Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with manipulation

How do I deal with management manipulation?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 19:13:22 -0800

I'm in a crappy work situation and I know that the ultimate solution involves leaving my job, but how can I cope with this particular situation in the meantime? I am an in-house developer for a medium-sized company whose CEO hired his offspring in high-ranking management positions. They get their way via manipulation, boasting of "experience" (though they have no experience in my particular field - in fact, their suggestions have proven a huge hindrance in the past), scheming to get a person disliked/let go and ultimately complaining to dad.

One of the upper-management offspring has decided to meet with me, a low-ranking developer, about a time-sensitive project that does not involve or affect them whatsoever. Junior's input, however misguided, will inevitably disrupt my day-to-day work for a significant amount of time. I already know what will be suggested, believe that it's antithetical to the goals of our entire department, and fear that my efforts and completed work will be cast aside once more. Since my manager is completely ineffective, it's up to me to contend with Junior and tell them what they're not used to hearing: "no".

Caveat: I'm a wuss and seemingly unable to truly grok workplace politics. I know my place in the ranking, but I'm not stupid - I am a professional and want to make sure I'm well-represented. How do I best communicate my expertise in technology to someone painfully technologically-inept? How do I handle manipulation, condescension and veiled threats in this upcoming encounter? Maybe I need to cop a "bless your heart" attitude going in, otherwise I get scared or fooled and buckle. Additionally, helpful documents or articles on how to deal with workplace politics or toxic workplaces, especially for tech folks or introvert/geek types, are greatly appreciated. I want to learn something from this situation, rather than just run with my tail between my legs.

(I realize that I need to leave this job, but blah blah blah economy. I'm working on it. In the meantime, I need to make rent. This is anonymous because my employer is a fan of scouring their employees' social networks for incriminating evidence of "treason". I will read e-mail sent to qsvculngmjiaq@mailinator.com.)

Have Girlfriend, Will Travel (Too Much)

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:27:09 -0800

How do I express the need for more 'me time' with my girlfriend? I've been with my girlfriend for seven months, and I love her very much. I'm a recluse, and she is an outgoing opposite. While I need very little attention to feel loved, she drinks affection like water. (She has admitted to abandonment anxiety in her life, which may or may not be relevant.) The standard formula up to now has been any mutually free time that can be spent together, is. This has worked for me because she works two jobs, often requiring her to work nights. I secretly crave these nights, because time to myself always feels like it's at a premium. At the same time, this is a horrible, horrible feeling to have, because I am taking joy in a schedule that is killing her soul and destroying her sanity, and despite the tone of this question, I do enjoy the time I spend with her.

This month, she worked up the guts to negotiate a more sensible schedule with her boss, and to our surprise, got what she wanted. She now has all (or almost all) evenings free. We're still on the old modus operandi, so I've spent almost every minute after my work with her. I realise now I have no ability to express my need for nights alone, because her old hectic schedule made that unnecessary.

Also, I buckle under any perceived tension. I'm a total wet noodle. She employs a number of things, such as a pouty tone, Catholic Guilt(TM), and crying (over anything from 'you raised your voice' to 'I forgot milkshakes have lactose intolerant-unfriendly ingredients'). I try to avoid all that. Unfortunately, I do it to such an extreme that I can't say no to her, and I even propose spending time together when I don't want to, just so I don't look like I'm avoiding her. So in a sense, we're both responsible for my lack of personal time: she wants my time, and I give it unconditionally.

I'm not sure if this is personal selfishness, but from my perspective, if I don't get an evening or two to myself, I'll be the anxious, overworked one in the relationship, not she. This is a highly negative spin on what is otherwise a positive thing in my life, but it's how I feel. Am I wrong to think this way?

If I'm being reasonable, I know I need to say something to her. I don't know what, and I don't know how. How can I express this need for free time in an uninsulting way? And how do I not buckle?

As a mini-question, we would like to move in together when our leases expire in nine months. Hopefully at that time, this question will become moot, replaced with another. I swear I've seen Ask MeFi questions about managing 'me time' with a live-in, but I couldn't find any. Could someone point it/them out?

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

Reluctant Trustifarian

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 10:32:40 -0800

My parents have offered to *give* me between $100K and $120K to go in on a house with them. I will accept this gift, but I need some help figuring out how to handle the strings that are certainly attached. Long story. (Yes I'd get a lawyer. I just want to know what issues to consider once I consult one.)

Last night my parents called me and told me that they had recently come into an unexpected and large lump sum of cash from a retirement settlement. They've been wanting me to get a house, and I have been wanting a house. I make a pretty paltry salary, however, and so my abilities to buy a house on my own are limited. They'd offered me money for a downpayment in the past, but I decided that it would still be too much of a financial stress. This offer changes things.

They discussed the best way give me this $100-120K for a house with their lawyer, and it seems that they have a trust that is set up to go to me and my sister upon their deaths. Their intent, however, is for me to get some of the money now, rather than in 20-30 years when they die. So the trust would own 2/3 of the house, and I would own 1/3.

There are a few conditions, however.
First, they want a house with at least 3BR and 2 baths, for them to stay in when visiting. They live 800 miles away, so it's not like they'd be dropping in often. Also, I asked them what amount of time they were expecting to spend there, and told them in no way would I want them to be there for weeks at a time. They don't want that, either. I'm OK with this string.

Second, they want veto power over the house I choose. This is to protect what they see as their investment, and their considerations would be neighborhood, condition of the house, age of the house, etc. We probably agree on these things with little concern, so I'm OK with that as well.

Other issues we discussed: I could have a housemate, as long as they could still stay there when visiting. I'd like to get a dog, and they're OK with that, too. I'd be responsible for property taxes, and we have not discussed who'd be responsible for maintenance and repairs. I'd assume that would be me. If I moved, they'd buy me out. The equity from their contribution would eventually go to me anyway, upon their death.

Overall, the preliminary discussion was reasonable. I was able to express my worries about it seeming like a business deal in the family. They understood. I asked if they'd freak if I got a lawyer for me. They were all for it--due diligence, they said.

My immediate concerns:

1) that my mother will nag me to death about house upkeep or any other things she doesn't like that I do. She does this. It's like she can't help it. I'm admittedly not very good at doing things quickly. I'm also very messy.

2) I have several step-siblings that my parents have broken all ties with.None of them did anything extremely horrible, by the way. It's been at least 8 years since my parents last had contact with these siblings. That means my full sibling and I are the only ones who are getting any of my parents money, and we're to split it 50/50. Deep in my heart, I wonder if I'd ever get the boot, too. I don't think so, but I want to protect myself just in case. It's a hot mess.

3) My mother has a history of manipulation through money. I went to an expensive private university far from home for undergrad, which they bankrolled entirely. After my first year, my mother tried to get me to move back to the area by offering to buy me a brand new luxury car if I'd transfer to the highly ranked state school nearish to them. I set my boundaries and gave a firm "No" to that suggestion. In addition, I went to grad school in a field that they did not like, and they didn't contribute. However, they repeatedly offered to pay for me to go to medical school, which I was never interested in. Final example: I have some issues with depression, and my mom is on my case at all times to exercise more. On my suggestion, she bought me a gym membership recently so that I'd do so. Money=love.

4) My sister (the only other still in good graces), has always called me the "favored child." This offer doesn't help that. My parents are aware of this problem, so the offer is a secret for now while they work out how to make this equitable. I don't want her to resent me. She lives a few blocks from them and has children. She benefits from that in many ways that aren't as tangible as a large sum of cash. Unlimited access to a beach house. Expensive dinners. Free babysitting. Spoiled grandchildren. I don't begrudge her those things at all, but it does rankle occasionally that she thinks I get everything and she gets nothing.

5. My mom is concerned that she'll die first, that my stepfather will get remarried (which she'd want) and that my sister and I will end up penniless (other than what we have from ourselves). I know that's in part her motivation to give me money now. My stepfather is 100% with her on this gift, however, as we had a conference call about it last night.

In sum, this is what advice I'm seeking:

What kinds of things should I include in a legal agreement? Is it appropriate to put limits on how often they visit, who's responsible for what, how to resolve conflicts, and such? What else should I consider that I haven't thought of? Also, what can I do to allay my fears of them rescinding in case I fall out of favor like my other siblings have? To be clear, they're saying this is a *gift* not a loan. Do I broach my mom's concern that stepfather will change his will if she dies first?

How do I navigate the interpersonal issues? I'm pretty good at setting boundaries, but I worry that such a big gift will make them think they have influence over the choices I make in life that are unrelated to the house. Or that they'd use the house as a way to try to control me.

I know that's a lot of information. I hope it's enough. If anyone wants clarification, you can contact me at reluctant.trustifarian@gmail.com

Also, I know that I'm extremely privileged, and I hope I am sufficiently humble about it. This level of privilege embarrasses me, actually, but that's another question for later, maybe.

Help me play with my image collection!

apetpsychic — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 17:30:08 -0800

I have a large image collection that I use for illustration reference. Are there any programs (I have a mac, but could get access to a PC if there's something cool) that can play with large collections of images in unexpected ways? Here are two examples of something I'd like to play with. Since the collection is so large that I can never get an overview, one thing that I could use is something that can pull "X" number of images from a folder, and I can just hit refresh, pulling up unexpected combinations for inspiration. Another thing is something that uses math to maybe pull images and slice or rearrange, flip, make a rorsach, a mandala, etc. Basically I'm not looking for something to make art (I don't really have an interest on sorting things by dominant colors or anything like that) so much as something to use to view my images in new ways with very little manual input from me. Just slamming them together. The more random and simpler to modify variables, the better. Maybe I need to learn to make something myself?

Thanks!

Help Me Restore The Past

thanotopsis — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 08:30:10 -0800

How do I go about retouching this photo? I've used Photoshop as an amateur for over a decade now, but I've never really gotten into the finer points of photo retouching.

For this particular photograph, I scanned it in at maximum resolution, and ran it through Auto Level, Auto Contrast and Auto Color. I'd saved it as a JPG, but this was problematic for a few reasons: 1) There was some severe horizontal banding across the image that was the result of the image's physical warping and my inability to flatten it any further than I already had, and 2) The Flickr uploader didn't believe me when I tried to tell it that it was a valid JPG.

I saved it as a PNG, and amazingly, most of the banding just went away. I was able to upload it to Flickr, but what you're seeing there is about 1/10th the total image size.

Now, I realize I could use the rubber stamp and try and brush out the individual imperfections, creases and tears, but what I'm really hoping for here is a suggestion regarding adjustments and filters that would bring some more life to the image. I don't know if I can trust the "Auto" adjustments to really do what they need to do.

(For the curious: That's my grandfather in the back, with 2 of his brothers and his sister. Based on his age in the photo, I'm guessing this was taken 1926-1927 in Superior, Wisconsin)

What can I do about an older father's change in behavior?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2007 21:16:56 -0800

A 60-something father has begun lying to me, in manipulative ways. My mom blows it off as not a big deal, as do my siblings. Is there anything I can do? Is everyone in denial? Long story short: dad suffers a stroke with some paralysis on the left side of the body a few years ago. Some searching reveals I should expect a changes in empathy, sense of humor, and language skills. I've seen changes in all three.

I interact with parents about once every 6 months when I visit, and in the last year I've noticed things take a turn for the worse. I get calls from dad saying mom is crying because we're leaving soon and we must come over for a last minute visit, but follow-up discussions with mom reveal that dad made it up to get us to come over. This happens several times before I confront my father, where I hang up on him when he tries it a third time during the last trip, and I haven't spoken with him since. I tell mom the whole story, she says she wasn't crying and he's lying again. I say I have no tolerance for manipulation by guilt and lying.

Fast forward two months to today, when my dad calls, apologizes for being a jerk the last time we spoke, and promptly asks for $500 to cover a medical bill. He's never asked me for money in my entire life, and my parents don't have money troubles at the moment. I call mom, who is out running errands and she says there are no outstanding bills (she handles all the finances post-stroke) and to not send the money.

I'm concerned that my last 3 or 4 interactions with my father have centered around his lies in order to get something out of me. Ever since his stroke, I've told my wife that talking to him feels like talking to a 12 year old as he seems to have little understanding for others and acts in childish, selfish ways, but the last few events really concern me.

Could it be that his mental health is slipping? If everyone that is around him 24/7 denies any major new problems, are they not seeing it? Is there anything I can do to get him helped beyond weird whole family intervention? Is there a term for this kind of odd mental decline in older and/or stroke affected adults so I can search for more info on it?

Manipulation of Data

informity — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 01:09:07 -0800

Your told you have a test in Excel regarding Data Manipulation, what do you revise? On Thursday I have an interview, as a part of the interview. I have been told that I will have a test in Excel to test my ability to Manipulate data, because there is an amount of data reporting within the role.

Now I am pretty good in Excel, but I am used to programming in VB, and I think they are looking for something a bit more basic.

I have had a look on Google and everything I can find looks a bit basic - just looking at pivot tables and basic formula (or maybe I am thinking it is going to be harder than it actually is).

What functions would you suggest that I look at for a bit of revision, and what kind of scenarios are they likely to give me to solve?

Is this photo manipulated?

shoos — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 02:40:25 -0800

Scientificfraudfilter. Does this photo look like it's been fabricated or at least significantly manipulated? It's of a nucleic acid blot, which is the end result of an experimental method used in molecular biology. I have reason to believe the results suggested by this blot are misleading, and after fooling around with the photo in Photoshop I've started to suspect that it may have been manipulated/altered/fabricated.

What do you think?

A short course in guilt.

the giant pill — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 09:47:33 -0800

What are some easy/common ways to make a stranger feel guilty? Have researchers studied what things make people feel guilty? Apart from an emotional relationship with another person, what specific sorts of stimuli are most effective at making people feel guilt? I've tried searching the scholarly journal databases on "guilt," but all I seem to turn up is either guilt in a personal relationship context, guilt in the eyes of the law, and self guilt. And those things tend to be extremely dense and not written for a guy like me What I am trying to find are social mechanisms could produce guilt in strangers during the natural progression of a "get to know each other" conversation. I'm not really interested in the "I have cancer / my dog just died" types of ruses.

No responses addressing any applicable ethical issues, please; I have considered those already and they are not part of the problem I seek to solve.

How to control a human

JokingClown — Sat, 13 May 2006 02:49:55 -0800

I'm looking for a book on how to manipulate and control a group of humans, non-physically. Governments use manipulation to convince it's citizens to agree with them. Companies invest billions of dollars into researching how to convince a consumer to buy a product. The way I see it, if you wish to control a person's actions, you must start with why a person acts to begin with. "Nature" and "nurture" are the main causes. Nature is what is in humans from birth - emotions, sexual desires, instinct. Nurture is everything that is learned through a human's surroundings.

So using that information to manipulate someone. Let's say convince them to buy a car. If you place a scantily clad woman next to the car, it appeals to most men's sexual desires. That is manipulating a man's natural instincts to make him buy something completely unrelated to the instinct.

-------------------------------------------

Ideally I would like a book approached in a scientific manner describing the methods and tools that can be used to control a human, or group of humans. I'm not sure if a book like that exists, I will settle for what I can get, perhaps psychology of philosphy books dealing with human nature, or a book on marketing techniques. Thank you all in advance for any help given.

Converting A Plain Text List Of URLs Into An HTML List of Clickable Links

jack_mo — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 10:11:24 -0800

What's the easiest way to convert a plain text list of URLs with descriptions into an HTML page of clickable links? I have a long list of URLs and descriptions in a plain text file, formatted like so

### This is a page about monkeys
http://www.monkeypage.com
### This is a page about weasels
http://www.weaselpage.com

and would like to convert them into an XHTML list formatted like so

This is a page about monkeys


This is a page about weasels

What would be the best way to do a conversion like this? I'm running OS 10.4.5, and I'm guessing a good method would involve command line stuff I'm aware of but don't really understand - regular expressions, grep, and the like. Alternatively, since the resulting page is destined for the web, I suppose another option would be a PHP or Perl script to convert the text file on the fly (I only mention PHP and Perl because I have some, very limited, experience with them, and would be lost if someone suggested, eg., a Python solution). I also assume some of the more advanced text editors would be up to the job (though from what I've seen of them, I'm a bit intimidated by the likes of vim or emacs!)

If this is a simple proposition, I'd be very grateful if someone could give examples of commands/possible scripts, if not, pointers to resources about manipulating text files in this way would be great too (I keep everything in plain text files, so am keen to learn about manipulating and repurposing them in general).

How to convert photographs into famous paintings

turbanhead — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 10:17:03 -0800

What is the website that one can upload a photograph and convert that image into what looks like a famous painting (Modigliani , van Gogh etc). I recall it used some type of face recognition software algorithms.

Program that will batch adjust light levels on (ZIP and RAR) compressed CBZ and CBR files of scanned JPEGs?

signal — Fri, 02 Jul 2004 10:47:39 -0800

I have a large amount of CBZ and CBR files that are ZIP and RAR files respectively with scanned JPEGs of comic books inside them. Thing is, the levels on the scans are sometimes too dark or too bright. Is there a windows program that would batch fix the levels (like photoshop's Automatic Levels command) on the compressed archives without having to unzip pr unrar them first?