Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with lying

Should I provide a fabricated reference for a friend?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:44:12 -0800

Should I provide a fabricated reference for a friend? I have a friend who has had some hard times recently; major health issues, got fired from his job, moved across the country. He is now looking for a job and has asked me to say that I was his supervisor at a previous position.

We work in the same industry - biomedical research and development. I've known him for 10 years, since he was part of a team that hired me into my first real job. About 5 years ago, I recommended him to take over my industrial position, which I was leaving in order to return to school.

He was fired from that position earlier this year, for what I feel were bogus reasons FWIW. As such, I think he is hesitant to ask his supervisor for a reference.

He has asked me to say that I was his supervisor from 2003 to 2006. However, at that time, I was no longer at the company and was, in fact, across the country at graduate school.

My friend is very talented, and I have worked alongside him before, as well as trained him to take over my job. I have no problem speaking in glowing terms about these experiences.

Should I gild the lily, so to speak, and expand my references to cover his problem areas? What could be the possible repercussions in my professional life? Have you ever been the reference in a situation like this? Have you ever caught someone lying in a situation like this? If I really can't stomach lying to companies for him, how do I break it gently to my friend?

Ethics of a Pseudonym

Toto_tot — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:55:37 -0800

Up for serious discussion: What are the ethics of writing under a pseudonym? I am an established, mid-career writer who would like to begin writing in a different genre. In the age of Google, I am concerned about not being able to break out of the 'box of pre-judgment' that I currently work in.

I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm interested in your thoughts on the subject.

Here are some of my own thoughts/questions:
Is the issue simply about choosing/writing under another name?
OR
How far can one go in creating a persona for a pseudonym?
Could I create a fake webpage for my pseudonym?
Can I fake a resume based on my true level of expertise (meaning I wouldn't claim degrees that I don't have, for example)?
How about a composite photograph? Too far, right? Or not?
What about choosing a persona that is not my gender, age, or culture?
Would any of this be illegal? I mean, I am essentially lying, right?
Are people bound to find out anyway? My agent would have to know. Or what if I wanted to find a new agent or publisher? Does the publisher have to know that I'm not who I say I am?

Why are we even interested in what an author looks like?
Do we need to know that they have the life credentials to write about their subject--that is, do we need them to be mothers for us to appreciate their take on motherhood?

Know any stories/examples?
What do you think?

Is there a specific term to describe an advertising slogan that actually makes you less sure about that aspect of the product?

HeroZero — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:01:12 -0800

Is there a specific term to describe an advertising slogan that actually makes you less sure about that aspect of the product? Examples inside. - Vegan soy cheese often advertises that it has "excellent melting properties," when in fact that message is a guarantee that the cheese will not get gooey and delicious but just separate into a puddle of slime. At least, I assume that's the case; I've never bought the stuff.
- "Crush-proof boxes" for cigarettes are easily crushable.
- Classroom bulletin board paper is often advertised on the box as being "fade-proof" when in fact the brightly-colored paper is usually looking pasty by October.

I'm sure there are many other examples.

I'm not so concerned with the idea that the advertisers are lying -- I mean, we all know that -- but am more interested in the fact that advertising these elements actually draws the consumer's attention to the negative quality that the advertisers are trying to cover up. For instance, I would think I would be much more likely to try some vegan cheese if it didn't advertise its excellent melting properties.

Is there a term for this phenomenon? I'm looking for something more specific than "irony" or "lying" if it exists. Thanks!

Help me stop being a liar.

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 06:27:13 -0800

I don't want to be a liar anymore but I don't know how to stop. Unfortunately, I am really good at lying. I don't even think about it, it just comes out much more easily than truth-telling. I have told very elaborate lies but what really scares me are all the little lies I tell every day. I've been doing this since I was a very young child. I am good at acting and weaving fantasies.

I've never asked anyone but God for help with this. Because how can people trust you once you tell them something like this? I've discussed it with no one, not the closest friends I've ever had (I haven't had many friends though, and I've lied to all of the ones I have had). My family knows about it because I was always getting in trouble for it as a child but I still fool them a lot of the time. I'm in my late twenties now.

Most of my lies have to do with not disappointing others and simply not trusting them with the truth. I think other people's opinions mean a lot to me so I say whatever I have to say in order to look good in their eyes. On the other hand, I am very independent and spend a lot of time in solitude, at least partly because I do not feel like myself around others. I mean, duh, I lie to them so I'm not myself. I feel especially perverse because sometimes through my lies I get sympathy, but most of the time I just try to achieve invisibility. Like, I am able to shift their focus.

I really scared myself this past Monday. My family expected me to attend a function and I decided that I wasn't going to go. I'd begged off from too many other things by simply lying "I have a headache" so this time I went further, so no one could question me or give me that disappointed look. So I said I'd been vomiting blood and had them take me to the hospital. I ended up with tubes down my throat, anally probed and going through a lot of pain, but I still didn't feel how crazy it was. And that's why I'm scared. I'm just way too comfortable with all this.

I've been in and out of therapy for years and I have a therapist I think I can trust, although I can't remember if I've told her any lies. I'm going to be seeing her for my regular appointment in the next few days, and I just can't go on lying like this. I know it's not going to be an easy habit to break but I don't even know where to begin. I don't feel like a whole person and strangely enough I am really dedicated to integrity. Can anyone help me? No need to be gentle.

I have a gmail at needyouradviceplease@gmail.com (I've used it for an anonymous question before but I don't mind the connection).

I can handle the truth.

By The Grace of God — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:16:50 -0800

How can I deal with the dishonesty of the world? I find myself lying to protect myself and often find people lying to me. For example, not telling a line manager of problems at my job because the director would just lash out at me. And an example of lies being told to me - people saying they are busy when they don't want to see me.

This situation is a major cause of my depression and anxiety. I hate living in a world where people are dishonest to each other - under the guise of manners or whatever - and I think that this dishonesty just increases the world's alienation.

I think this especially bothers me because I feel like I am acting all day - hiding my anxiety symptoms in order to function. Unfortunately my husband seems to want me to hide my symptoms too. Is there a way I can create a space for honesty in my life?

And all the people in my life seem to think I am doing so well. Sigh.

When I unburden the honest truth onto my therapist I just feel worse walking out of there because I know I am going back into a world full of lies.

Another thing making it worse is I seem to have absorbed my husbands bad habit of not sharing anything with friends. I've basically stopped making what I consider real friends - I just have social partners now.

Do people really have real friends who they are honest with anymore?

Douche-Baggery at Work: How do we protect ourselves from future slander?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 17:51:29 -0800

There's some serious douche-baggery going on at my job that cost one of my colleagues his job today. How do I protect myself? I teach at a University somewhere in America. At the beginning of this year, I took this job, and at the same time that they hired a new director. The director brought a couple of people with him (lower level staff members) who interact with students, and are generally bad medicine. Today, one of my colleagues got fired by the Provost because of lies and scandal that the Director of the program started about my colleague. He's lawyering up, and has been given until the end of today to either quit or be fired. He's obviously going to fight - but if he wins and gets to keep his job, he doesn't really "win," you know, without the support of the administration.

The level of scandal here goes deep. He's got budgets screwed up, our division is in shambles, and he shows favoritism and negative empowerment to both students and staff that are "on his side." Most of us have never been disrespected as badly as we have by this man and the people who he has wrangled up. He preys on the weak, undecided students and faculty/staff by giving them very positive praise and rewards, and then putting them together in situations where they are empowered to slander and trash-talk the rest of the people involved. It's a "Divide-and-Conquer" situation that is unacceptable in this environment, and especially in the educational arena.

Several of us have caught the Director in lies. He's very good at treating people below him like shit, and lying to upper administration to make himself look like the champ. Around Christmas of 2007, several of us were slandered by this guy at a public venue in front of students, staff, and other faculty - he has even gone so far as to scream "FUCK 'so-and-so'" in a crowded venue in an argument in front of students' parents and other patrons at an event. Our work environment has gotten very very bad, and it looks as though this guy might get to keep his job due to his manipulation of upper-level administrators, including the VP.

The major downfall of this situation is that this director is also a "professional" in the same line of business that many of us also work in. He's in the same professional union as some of us, so perhaps there is an avenue for protection there as well. The major problem is that, since this guy is a pathological liar and manipulator, he's gonna talk some shit to people we might both know, and spread more bullshit and lies about our work and our personalities. None of us are terribly worried about the damage that he's gonna try to perform, but it is a major pain in the ass (and potentially harmful to future contracts and work) if we have to explain the situation about this guy to people all of the time. He is an expert manipulator - and our colleagues, the heads of our division, and many other people directly and indirectly involved are shocked and awed at how successful he has been at getting what he wants via lies, slander, and manipulative tactics.

I have resigned my position, effective at the end of this school term. My question is about preemptive legal attack; does the Hive Mind see it beneficial for us, one by one, to contact our lawyers and have some kind of "If-I-Hear-That-You-Said-Shit-About-Me, I'll-Sue-Your-Ass-For-Slander" letters drafted? Is there such a thing, and are they effective? Is there anything else we can do to make sure that this guy keeps his lying mouth shut?

There's a chance that he will ALSO be terminated, but at this point, all bets are off. We never expected this guy's lies and manipulation of students to actually trick an administrator into firing one of the best and most influential professors/recruiters the division has ever seen. As you can imagine, this bullshit is all very, very political.

My spoof email for this question is bossdouche@gmail.com. Please drop me a line and post here if you have something that might help. Every day is another wonderfully effed up adventure.

Help me identify a book about honesty.

spacewaitress — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 09:42:03 -0800

Help me identify a book about honesty I skimmed a book a couple years ago about honesty that I'm keen to locate again. I can't remember the title, but I believe it would be similar in content with Sissela Bok's Lying or Brad Blanton's Radical Honesty. It was about telling the truth in various contexts.

Of particular interest was a chapter on using honesty with oneself as a way of dealing with the torrent of media most of us are confronted with in our day-to-day lives. I think it discussed ways to winnow through books, music, etc. to find what's really meaningful to you and not waste time on things that aren't.

I had to return the book to the libarary before I got a chance to finish reading it. I would very much like to find again. I believe it was written by a woman, but there's a 50% chance I'm wrong.

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

Do not seem to be able to walk away

spotty_dog — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 11:42:01 -0800

Relationship filter - Help me be a stronger person... After having my trust broken for like the hundreth time in my present relationship, i am starting to wonder why i stay in it.

Here is what usually happens - He betrays me by lying about things eg other women (though nothing physical has ever happened the intention was there). I find out - he says sorry - i say i need more than sorry as i have heard it all before - he says he will try harder etc etc - he never does - i end up just accepting it.

What makes it worse is i know i accept it because of my insecurities of being by myself (i am 39 weeks pregnant), and will try anything to make it work. The more he treats me like crap though the more shit i take!

It also seems that he manages to make me feel like the one in the wrong... for example when he fucks up, naturally i get upset and might shout down the phone, or call more than maybe what is normal due to my insecurities. He then says i am in the one in the wrong and starts calling me names or tells me i am metally screwed and should get more help from my therapy.

I guess i am wondering how i can go about what i already know. I know i need to walk away. I know i need to stop obsessing and letting him treat me like this. Problem is, it has gone on for so long, it is hard to break the cycle.

Have started therapy, but am still having problems...

Is compulsive lying linked with any recognised mental disorders?

UbuRoivas — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 18:27:47 -0800

Is compulsive lying linked with any recognised mental disorders? Over the years, I've known at least half a dozen people who seemed to be 'compulsive liars'. The flavour of lying that I am talking about is not exactly the kind of compulsive lying that I've been finding described on the internet, where people lie constantly about minor things like what they had for lunch. I'm talking about big-ticket & usually self-aggrandising personal histories.

Some examples, culled from various people:

I used to own a card trading shop in Tokyo.

I used to work in a motorcycle repair shop at age 14 & was so good that I was recruited into a pro racing team.

I was brought up in a lesbian squatter commune in East LA.

I was picked for the Australian rock climbing team. It was supposed to be for a pro competition, but they wanted me so much they overlooked by amateur status.

I travelled around the country for years as part of a youth circus.

I grew up in a mission in West Africa.

I used to run international kite-flying competitions.

...and so on. After some time listening to these colourful histories, it eventually becomes clear that there are significant conflicts between the stories, such that the person in question could not possibly have done all those things in their time so far on earth. In some cases, there are a number of totally different stories that account for childhood & teenage years. There are also other apparent contradictions, such that if they had the resources, discipline or skills required to pull off the described feats, then they probably wouldn't be in the somewhat lowly position that they find themselves today.

My working theory is that these things are said in order to cover up a history of abuse, and that the people involved might even have swayed into pathological lying, in which they actually believe their own stories to be true. However, I've been unable so far to find much written about this kind of link (there's a lot of noise out there).

It seems that compulsive/pathological lying is not itself in the DSM-IV, but does anybody know if it is linked with any recognised disorders, or if the child abuse angle is recognised anywhere in the psychiatric / psychological literature?

when is a relationship worth salvaging

rndm — Thu, 10 May 2007 19:03:38 -0800

CrappyRelationshipFilter: How do you know if a relationship is worth salvaging after your partner majorly fucks up? I need some perspective on this whole ugly, messy situation. (warning: very long! of course!) My boyfriend of two years left to visit his family in Mexico last week. A couple days after he left, I was talking to my friend and she mentioned seeing him in Good Vibrations. Buying condoms. On the day his flight left. We certainly don't use condoms anymore, and I spent the next few days freaking out until he called me (phone use is limited in the tiny town he's at). I asked up straight up what the condoms were all about, and he didn't say anything for a bit, then made a few weird little sounds, then mumbled something about "just in case"... I freaked out and hung up the phone. He called me about 30 mins later, crying and telling me he loves me, he hasn't done anything, he's not gonna cheat on me, blah blah blah. Apparently, he was at some club and dancing with some chick who invited him back to her place, and then he oh-so-suddenly realized that he couldn't actually go through with it because he just looooves me so much. He's a really, really bad liar, so I'm pretty sure that's what actually happened, but I still call bullshit because, oddly enough, I've never needed to almost have sex with some stranger to know that I love him and don't want to hurt him. We talked for a few more minutes (mostly me agreeing that, yes, he's an idiot, yes, it was huge mistake, yes, I pretty much hate him right now), but I was at work and couldn't deal with it, so I hung up again.

He doesn't get back from Mexico until the 19th and I know I won't speak with him at least until then (probably even later), but I really have no idea what to do at this point... and it doesn't help that I'm ridiculously indecisive about everything, ever.

On the one hand, we've certainly defined what is and what is not allowed in this relationship, re: other people. He's the one who insisted we were completely monogomous (i've been know to rock the polyamorous relationship in the past), and I've had no problem adhering to that. I was feeling insecure before he left on his trip, and asked him if he was suuure nothing would happen. And he held me and promissed me that he wouldn't so much as kiss another woman, that he would never do anything to hurt me like that. (In retrospect, I'm about 90% sure the condoms in question were actually in his pocket as he was saying that, so I feel like the biggest idiot ever. ) He knew what he was doing (or planning to do...), and he knew how much it would hurt me, and I'm not sure I can ever really get over that. If one of my friends were in my situation, I would unequivocally tell them to dump the motherfucker already.

On the other hand, god knows in the two years we've been together, I've longingly thought about fucking someone else occasionally. I get that it's normal to sometimes be attracted to other people, to sometimes crave something more new, more exciting. The important thing is that I've never acted on those desires. So I feel like, as long as he didn't (and doesn't) actually fuck anyone else, the only thing he really did wrong was get caught. If one of my friends were in his situation, I would say that their actions were what mattered, and if they didn't go through with anything and actually came out with a deeper understanding about how they feel in their relationship, then they did nothing wrong.

So, "take him back and make it work" and "fuck the cheating bastard" are battling it out in my brain nonstop and I'm going crazy. Two years is a long time (for me) and I would hate to throw everything away because of his stupid mistake. He's the first guy I've ever met who made think maybe growing old with someone wouldn't be so bad after all. I love him like crazy, and I know he loves me, and this is just killing me. But then again, I'd hate to go through a divorce in 10 years when I catch him cheating on me with my best friend and kids and money and all sorts of ugly things get involved.

So I guess what it comes down to is: How do you know when a relationship is worth trying to save? Or when you should just cut your losses and move on? And if I do stay with him, how do I keep myself from become an angry, bitter, insecure, jealous shrew?

Seasons change, but people don't??

srrh — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 19:26:17 -0800

How can a compulsive liar change their ways? Someone very dear to me is, and has been as long as I have known him, a chronic compulsive liar. He has a good heart, and doesn't usually ever set out to hurt anyone. However, he has, literally, a compulsion to lie. Even simple questions, like who he has gone to lunch with, are often met with fabrications, and he can't articulate the reasons he does this.

A lot of the things he lies about do make more sense though -- rather than ever risk any discomfort or worrying anyone or hurting their feelings, he will make up something, even to those he loves and cares about the most.

However, he is committed to changing. He has been in counseling since February, which seemed to help temporarily, but he has fallen back into old habits. Things have come to a head for him recently because of his lying problem, and he knows he really does have to change now. He is struggling though. How can someone change a habit like this that is so ingrained, and also so hurtful to those around them? Any MeFites with advice?

Can I patronize a business I'm 99.9% sure is lying/cheating?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 05:58:07 -0800

Moral dilemma. Can I patronize a business I'm 99.9% sure is lying/cheating, when it's the only business that fits what I need? (Posting anonymously since I want to talk about the issue rather than outing the business.)

There's a yoga studio very close to my new building. They're the only walkable yoga studio from the building, and it's really important to me to walk home from yoga class in the open air rather than taking the subway (to maintain that sense of peace & relaxation).

The problem is that this studio has very obviously, very clumsily faked all of its reviews (more than 10 reviews, left over the course of several months) on Citysearch. The reviews all contain the same writing quirks, hit all the same selling points with barely changed words (some entire sentences are repeated verbatim in 3+ reviews, and many individual phrases are repeated verbatim in 2+ reviews), are all of almost the same length (one paragraph with a consistent sales-pitchy structure), and are each written by a newly registered user who has not written any other reviews before or since. The first two reviews were even left on the same day and are comically similar. Of course they all give it the highest rating too.

I feel pretty strongly about not rewarding public lying and stupidity. And I don't like not trusting a place where I do something that's meaningful to me (paying for yoga class is different than paying for a can of beans at the corner store). I know that whoever wrote all those reviews is probably not going to be teaching my classes, but it also feels weird not knowing who that was, and therefore not trusting the studio as a whole. It makes me sick to look at that Citysearch page.

I've thought about sending the studio an anonymous email talking about this situation, and seeing how they respond. If they own up to it and take down the reviews, I think I will have helped them not drive away other people (the faked-ness was also totally obvious to my friends when I emailed them the link in a neutral way), and I think I would also feel okay about going there. I can understand some business owners might get panicked enough to do this if their whole lives are invested in their business and they feel lying is the only way to get customers (...orrrrr maybe I shouldn't rationalize 10+ individual acts, over several months, as "panicked" :)). I've also considered emailing Citysearch to see if they want to look into this (I bet this place was also careless enough to post at least some of the reviews, if not all of them, from the same IP address).

What a stupid, sad situation! I was so excited about this place until I saw their Citysearch page.

Does he deserve another chance?

rainbow_2006 — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 11:31:41 -0800

My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Alone this is something to come to terms with but on top of this i have just found out he has been lying to me, which has made me question my whole relationship and the very foundations it has been built on. I have no idea what i should do... I apologize if this goes on for a bit, there is alot to be said though for situation to be completely clear.

I posted on here summer of last year with the question "Is it possible to love two people at the same time?". Within that post i explained about how i had fallen in love with a married man who claimed to love both myself and his wife. After many answers to my question the general outcome seemed to be that i was silly for deluding myself about this mans intentions and how he would never leave his wife. Shortly after this i left the city where we were both living and returned home to my parents believing that this would be the last time i saw this man.

It came as a very big surprise then when he told me he was leaving his wife and he wanted to make a real go of things with me. He told me he no longer loved his wife and that sexually there was nothing going on between them. His wife left and i moved back into the city to start my future with him.

It soon became apparent my boyfriend was suffering from depression, something he said he been suffering from for almost ten years. As i have suffered depression myself and have been witness to it in friends and family, i urged him to go to the doctors where he was diagnosed with a form of bipolar and was told to await an appointment to see a mental health specialist.

I will be the first to admit that whilst this was happening our relationship was not great and we were under alot of strain. This aside though it hurt me alot to find out he had been emailing his wife, who was thousands of miles away in another country, telling her how he had made a mistake and still loved her etc. There was even an incident involving sexual acts over a webcam. I confronted him about this and he told me he was saying this to his wife to make her feel better as this is what she wanted to hear.

He promised me this would not happen again and found it in myself to believe him and move on. We were trying for a child and four weeks ago i found out i was pregnant, (i am now around 13 weeks). Two weeks ago i vistied my family and before i left i begged him not to speak to her as i knew this would be an ideal time for him to do so without my presence in the house. He swore blind he wouldn't do so.

A week ago today we had a huge row about moving to our new house we have just bought. His wifes belongings are still here and i asked him to email her to sort out getting the items back to her. I emailed her myself, something he was happy for me to do, and explained the situation including my pregnancy. On this night i also found out they had once again been emailing eachother, my partner telling her he loved her and was missing her, the same gist as last time. Much arguing persued but he promised me he had not been in touch with since learning of my pregnancy and would not do so in the future. I again took him back.

On Saturday night she phoned me and i found out the true extent on my boyfriends deception. The weekend i had gone home they were on the phone and using instant messenger to communicate. He had not told her i was pregnant and went on to say the only reason he was still with me was that i was 'mentally unstable' and that leaving me would 'kill' me. What is ironic is that this is exactly what he use to tell me about his wife.

Myself and his wife had a long conversation, and even though it was surreal, we came to an understanding.
My boyfriend insists he is going to keep to his promise of not getting in touch with her as he wants to concerntrate on our future with the baby. I have taken him back.... again. This time though i feel different. I no longer trust him, i hate him for what he has done and i feel so guilty about all the hurt i have played part in towards his wife. Worse, i feel guilty for his actions too and i don't know why. I am staying, but i do not know how to move on or if i am doing the right thing at all.

As far as the NPD is concerned, i know that lying, being able to show no empathy and in somecases being a general wanker all comes with the diagnosis, but i don't know if i should stay with this man because of this. If this is someting he can't help how the hell am i suppose to take anything he says or does seriously?

I am not sure what i want in response to this, just some general feedback. I would apprieciate no-one saying i have brought this on myself though by getting involved with a married man. Trust me i feel bad enough about that as it is and i wish i never had.

work related abuse

cvoixjames — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 12:31:27 -0800

work related question. A co-worker I work with very closely threatened my verbally and physically, claiming I was doing a poor job. I reported to my supervisor, and said co-worker denies it. What should I do (other than quitting, but I like the job) I have been there 3 years and this came out of the blue. I feel now I have to resign. Suggestions?

My friend says on his resume that he has MY JOB!

soulbarn — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 14:45:46 -0800

Ethics and friendship: I lost touch with a fairly close friend about six or seven years ago; he'd gotten married, had a kid, moved, etc. We recently reconnected and have been hanging out. My girlfriend likes his wife, I like his kids, so all this is good. BUT...also about ten years ago, he and I happened to be competing for a pretty prestigious job at a major corporation - one people have heard of. I got the job, he didn't. There didn't seem to be any hard feelings; I gave him some (lucrative) freelance work, maybe a little out of guilt, but mostly because he was really good. He did great work, and continued to do so on freelance projects until I left the job a couple of years later... ...After my friend and I reconnected, he was telling me about his new consulting business, and it sounded pretty cool. He even showed me his website. So I was looking around his site, and saw his resume - and he claims to have had the job that I actually had, the exact same position, time-frame (there's no gray area here. He says it was his job.)

I'm not mad, just a little weirded out.. So, what do I do? It would be upsetting for me to bust him - he's got a family to support, and I like him, and I'm no longer even in the same industry - but it does color the way I feel about him (though I could probably maintain the friendship and let the resume issue go.) But I do feel like he's being foolish, because the chances are good that he'll get caught by somebody else. Still, I now understand how disappointed he must have been not to get that job, and I don't want to hurt him.

I guess my question has multiple levels: do I remain friends with him, and if yes, how? Do I tell him that I know? Any other comments are welcome.

Til Death Do Us Part..maybe...

CwgrlUp — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 15:25:54 -0800

Why are people today so lacking in morals? I have a good friend at work who I think a lot of. Last week I overheard her (we sit pretty close and she talks fairly loudly so I hear more usually than I want to) talking to her mother about lying to her husband about her whereabouts on a Friday night. Later she told me the story, she is going out with friends her hubby doesn't like and she plans to tell him she's at her mother's.

Since this has happened I hear her on the phone all the time with these girl friends obviously that her husband doesn't like, laughing about how she was 'good' for a while, but now she just feels like being 'bad.'

I feel different towards her. I thought I knew her fairly well. Now I have trouble even meeting eyes with her. I know her husband. He's an alright guy. Am I being too judgmental? Should I just ignore it all? Is this kind of deception (white lies?) truly that common between spouses?

How do I help a delusional/pathologically lying friend?

cilantro — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 10:26:18 -0800

Should we confront a good friend who is either completely delusional or a pathological liar? In my circle of friends, there's one guy, we'll call him Will, who is CONSTANTLY making up completely insane stories. He'll tell anyone who asks or doesn't ask that he's a freelance illustrator/cartoonist who has had work published in everything from Playboy to Fangoria. He doesn't keep the magazines he's been published in because he doesn't want his "commercial" work to influence his "artistic" work- an animated series that he's shopping around to HBO, the Sci-Fi network, and The Cartoon Network. He's constantly talking about flying to New York to "take meetings". When I pointed out that The Cartoon Network is headquartered in Atlanta, he told me that the head of programming flies to meet him in New York. He had a fiancee in New York when he lived there a few years back (a young Japanese woman who loved comics, of course) who either died in a car wreck or 9-11, the story changes pretty often. No one believes any of this, obviously, but my friends and I love him anyway and have overlooked this insanity for a while. The problem now is that the lies are getting much more frequent and more disturbing. What started as delusions of success and fame and tragic love have turned into "my (made-up) animation partner committed suicide two days ago" and "my mom has cancer" and that kind of thing. I guess my question really isn't DO we confront him, but HOW? In a group? Get one person to do it? Does anyone have experience with a situation like this? He's a really emotional, sensitive guy and I guess the biggest fear is that he'll flip out and try to hurt himself. What's the best way to keep that from happening? (I know his mom, his only family, and while she doesn't appear to have cancer, she IS crazy as crap and will be no help at all in this situation)

Personal involvement with someone possibly psychotic?

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Mar 2006 06:38:18 -0800

I've recently found out a person I know could truly be psychotic. So my question is what are the general guidelines for psychosis and when does personal involvement with someone suspected of being psychotic become dangerous? As more background, this person I know is a compulsive liar. But the lies are getting more hurtful and what I mean by this, is that the person actually will start yelling at me and screaming they can't talk because they're at work where cell phones are prohibited. I've found out later this person was not at work but sitting at a coffee shop at the time of the call. I know compulsive lying is unfortunately common, but when mixed with a short tempers and outbursts, is it verging onto dangerous psychosis where personal safety is called into question?

Compulsive lying questions

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Mar 2006 03:40:29 -0800

Some questions about infrequent compulsive lying - how common is this? What is your reaction to it? More questions inside. A person close to me has a problem where, once or twice a year she seriously embellishes a personal story. This almost inevitably leads to more questions and the lie gets bigger. Afterwards she feels horrible, and more than once she has had to get in touch with the person she was talking to and explain that the story wasn't true in order to feel better.

It's quite clear why she feels motivated to tell these lies: in another time and place (before moving and changing careers) she used to be a big shot, and she really misses that feeling. It is less clear why the compulsion is too strong to resist. When this happens, she feels like she must be crazy.

Does anyone have any information on this problem? Do you do this or know someone who does? If someone you know were to admit that they made up a story to impress you, would you lose all respect for them or would you laugh it off? Any other advice appreciated. You can also email anonaskmeanswers@fastmail.fm if you don't want to post here.

Isn't there a law against this?

sandra_s — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 17:54:13 -0800

Truth in advertising filter. How can Jeep claim "0% APR financing for 60 Months"? ...when the fine print says " *Financing for 60 months=$16.67 per month per $1,000 financed. Financing for Qualified buyers with 10% down. " (Source: jeep.com)

Lets assume you put down the 10%(30000 - 10% = 27000 financed)
, and lets ignore taxes and registraions for sake of discussion.

16.67 per month (16.67x60=1000.20), per $1000 financed (1000.20x27=27045.40 Finance charge over the course of 60 months)

27045.40 / 5 (years) = 5401.08 effective annual financing charge, which is effectively a 22.5045% APR!!!!!

If there is even one penny financing charge, isnt there technically a SOMETHING % APR? So how is this possibly 0%?

(FYI, have owned 3 jeeps in my life, Loved em all. But I dont take kindly to being lied to by those that I am about to write a BIG check to :-)

What are the legalities of taking an oath?

odinsdream — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 14:20:13 -0800

Why was Alberto Gonzales not under oath before the Senate Judiciary Committee? Specific legal nuances are what I'm looking for. On Monday, Attorney General Gonzales appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee to be questioned about the NSA wiretapping program. (Video available on c-span*)

Chairman Arlen Specter decided that he would not be sworn in, or given an oath.

What are the legal differences between being under oath or not in this circumstance? Why would Specter have even considered the question before coming to the hearing? Obviously, this was done for a specific reason - what is it?

I don't buy the "let's not insult Gonzales' honor" defense provided by Jeff Sessions.

I might buy the "it's perjury anyway" defense, if the oath didn't even exist.

* The debate over whether he would be sworn in or not begins during the Morning Session clip at 7:20, when it was announced that he wouldn't be sworn in, and continues at 12:00 when that decision is challenged by Patrick Leahy.

Liver enzymes

skjønn — Tue, 20 Dec 2005 11:25:52 -0800

My friend Mary was an alcoholic. She told me that she hasn't taken a sip of alcohol for a year. On December 9th, she had her liver enzymes tested. The GGT enzyme was out of range. It showed up as "165 H." A followup test on December sixteenth showed that the GGT enzyme was still out of range at "118 H."

On both tests, all the other parameters (AST, ALT, LDH, etc) are showing up normal. I showed a doctor the test results and he said that this meant in his opinion that she was drinking again.

However, after a bit of googling I found that there are many other things that can elevate liver enzymes.

Is Mary lying to me? Are there other things that would specifically elevate GGT or do these test results indicate that she is probably drinking again?

I cheated on my girlfriend, should I tell her?

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Oct 2005 05:34:36 -0800

I just cheated on my girlfriend and have no idea what I should do. My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. I've had plenty of relationships since my divorce and know, without a doubt, that my girlfriend is the woman for me. She feels just as strongly about me.

I was visiting another city on business and an ex-girlfriend that lived a few hours away drove down to visit me. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I knew my girlfriend would be devastated, and I knew that if she found out it would mean the end of our relationship.

Please... please! I know I'm a jerk, an asshole, and several (many) other horrible things. I know if I tell her, it would mean the end of our relationship -- and frankly, I believe I would deserve that. I'm wracked with guilt. I would never do this again. But I know that those words would likely be meaningless to her (like me, her ex- had cheated on her.)

I'm absolutely torn about what to do. Should I tell her about this? I feel like it's the right thing to do: tell her, and deal with the consequences of my actions. Or should I just focus on making our budding relationship the best that it possibly can be? The idea of hurting her has me in tears... not because she'd leave me (she would), but because I can't bear the thought of how much I would hurt her.

lying to your girlfriend's parents?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 19:12:54 -0800

Lying to your girlfriend's parents...yay or nay? The time is fast approaching where I will have to attend a dinner with my girlfriend's parents and be grilled with questions with unpleasant answers, such as religion (I'm an atheist, they most certainly are not), age (there is some considerable difference between us), and my home life (NOT GOIN' THERE) and who knows what else.

My question is, would it be best to just tell them what they want to hear now, until such time where my answers won't matter, or just come clean now and risk making the relationship, and our own personal lives, all the more difficult to maintain?