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Is this an illusion or a fairy tale (dating, relations)

yamamato — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:34:31 -0800

A woman i know through business network and common friends entered into my life after a series of events which seems like a fairy tale. However it might also be a a very bad cosmic joke. Now i am struggling to deal with the situation, help me to find my feet. Long version below. hi everybody,
first of all i am not a native English speaker so apologies in advance for any grammatical errors.

here goes my story,
Last year (March, 2012) i was at London on a business trip and i have met a woman who is from my hometown (some capital in Europe). She was also at London for business reasons. We have met very briefly and didn't have chance for a proper chat. Later on i returned back to my city and never seen this woman again but we have added each other over Facebook. However there wasn't any reason to chat or exchange messages or anything so we did not. Anyway this was 1,5 years ago and in the mean time i haven't seen or even think about this lady - well... until after last Sunday.
Last Sunday i had a dream where i was married to this person, we were happily married, and have a baby girl. It was a happy dream and when i woke up in the morning this romantic dream was still so strongly in my mind. I was kind of shaken and surprised and was struggling to make sense out of it.
Anyway, i made it to the office that day. I have created some free time for my self (i wasn't able to focus on work anyway) and googled her name, and checked her Facebook profile and her resume at LinkedIN. It was actually the first time in my life i was going through her pictures, etc. Then common sense and responsibility kicked in and i got back to my work... and i did it for good or at least i thought so :)
Next morning when i opened my computer i seen a friend request from her at LinkedIn. I thought, she should have seen that i have checked her profile there and sent her a very short message saying "hey, hope all is well. i was spying on you here just yesterday :)" . If this is sounding a bit weird to you, please note that i have said it in a more friendlier and cool way in my own language. She replied back in few minutes saying no she was not aware i checked her profile, she just felt like adding me. Anyway we end up chatting all day. First it was over LinkedIn then we started to exchange e-mails. It continued until i leave the office that day. Later on like 1am, i checked my mails once again before i go sleep and there was this mail from her saying that she has written an deleted a pretty long e-mail as she have realised that we have too much to share and talk.. so maybe we should meet ?? I have replied yes and this whole thing progressed in less than a day up to a point where we have our mobile numbers and a plan to meet next day.
Obviously i couldn't help but developed some expectations before meeting her. Seeing her in my dream and such fast pace of after events simply cross-wired my brain and really put this whole thing in a special category. I tried not to over-think before meeting her but it is arguable how much i succeed in doing so… :) we have texted each other on the day to reconfirm the meeting and met at 7pm last Thursday. Long story short it was exceptionally nice. We had dinner with almost 2 bottles of vine. The conversation was amazing or at least it felt that way to me. She was supposed to meet her friends after me but she kept postponing them and then she invited me as well. So like midnight we left the restaurant to meet her friends. By coincidence her i knew her friends (a couple) and actually the guy was my friend too. So this coincidence only added positive effects on top of the whole thing as i was integrated to this new world instantly thanks to my own history with her friends. We were with friends till like 2-2:30am. then we have left there and head to my place without too much discussion. It wasn't feeling like i am taking a girl whom i have just met to my place… the feeling was more like going back to home with someone you know well… and maybe you live together.
By the way i am a 37 years old male with quite an experience in the dating/relations end. I never got married and never had a relation longer than 2 years but i am experienced with women…. maybe because of my profession - let's say that i am heavily involved with touring cool bands, artists, festivals and such. I am also quite interested with human psychology and i am good at reading the body language of people. I know that i am not excerating if i say she was into me after first hour of our meeting. As time passed this became even more obvious and i was also showing my interest. After we got back to my place we haven't jumped on each other immediately but the tension and sparks were there. We have listened music and continue talking, it was such an amazing moment that i really couldn't bring my self to stop this and get into the sex phase. I have put a slower more ambient music (it was already almost 6am, i was going to go to work in only few hours). She was already sitting next to me on the sofa. I have pulled her next to me and we lied down together on the sofa, hugging each other. Then we have stayed there hugging each other till music/album stopped, once it finished i told her that we should go to bed for sleeping a bit. We slept (or tried to sleep) in spoon position. I was hugging her from behind, she wasn't trying to distant her body and she was holding my hand on her chest. There was a sexual tension for sure but i really couldn't let go that moment… it was so amazing and something which is much rarer and valuable for me. I can sleep with women almost anytime i like… again because of my work environment. (rock'n roll life style situation) So i haven't initiated a sexual intercourse… but i believe she was not going to resist if i did so. I know most men will think that i am a complete idiot and this was not how an alpha male supposed to behave and so… Well… maybe you are right, maybe not. What has happened has happened, i don't regret it because i felt that way. I also did not want rush things. In the morning we woke up still hugging each other, spent some time together in the bed. I was delaying to get up but then it was time and i had to wake up to start preparing for going to office. She got out of the bed maybe 5 minutes after me and told me that she is leaving. Now i am realising that she was a bit different already… but couldn't notice at that moment. I told her to wait in a nice way as we were going to go to same destination. She kindly asked me not to tell anyone about us. I said all right, i can keep secrets. She then apologised for asking it.

I was flying above clouds whole day, feeling like really a genuine relation might have started. It was not an easy day, It was excessively difficult to avoid texting her like crazy or going to her office to shout that i am in love with her…. i was feeling like i have already missed her terribbly… lol… :) Well thanks to my age and experience i managed to hold my self. Next tray it was Saturday, i texted her and invited her to an art exhibition. She said she can make it if 4pm is all right, i said yes why not - it s a deal. She later on texted me at 3:30pm saying she still couldn't finish her things and won't be able to make it. I was disappointed but remained cool. That day she sent me few more texts which i struggled to point out the real meaning behind it. Basically she was telling me what she will do all evening. She was going to go to a birthday and then she was going to go to a club/performance hall which i am involved with. She was not inviting me or anything as far as i can see but then why on earth she was telling me all these things… Later on when i read these texts to my female cousin, my cousin told me that she was inviting me indirectly but i haven't get the clue. We haven't seen each other till then. It has been exactly a week now. She was out of the city during the week so technically it wasn't possible to meet anyway. I have initiated text conversations 2 times during this time and they were ok. She was responding fast and it wasn't too difficult to continue conversations once i have started them… though she has started none. I know that she is back in town as of yesterday but she hasn't contacted me yet. I feel like if i initiate another conversation and it ends up with no meeting plan, i might loose my confidence to try again.

During the week i did some research and find out that she has finished a 2 years long relation early last year but they got back together again to split once more like August (2012). I have been told that they were going to marry but she finished the relation despite the fact that she was in love with this guy because the guy was too jealous and therefore have some insecurity issues and sometimes being very rude against her. However what crashed me most was this; she moved into a flat next to this guy's building 2 months after she has dumbed him. This final information has been a major turn off for me as i reading it as a strong obsession towards this other guy. I have been in a relation before where the girl was on the rebound and i burnt very badly at the end of that story… so i am very very cautious about not being in the same position again. This helped me to find my feet a bit, i improved from thinking her all the time to thinking her occasionally. It helped me to see the strong possibility that this story is not going anywhere. Though i am still pretty much sucked in to her, i can understand this because all other women i was seeing just dropped out of my radar.

what i am expecting from you dear Meta community
analysis of the situation, what are your thoughts ?
how do you see all of this ? Is this a pure illusion or is there something genuine worth chasing here ?
Do you think she is on rebound ? shall i wait for her to get in touch or shall i initiate the communication again ? As said earlier i am afraid i might loose my confidence if i get rejected upon inviting her to somewhere. It would be then the 3rd time i am starting a conversation and getting nowhere.

tell me anything you like. It is the first time i am posting anything here but this community helped me greatly in the past. I know that some very valuable comments will appear, so i am looking forward to it.

PS:
i just received a whatsup message from her which reads like this: Hey, apologies for not being in touch earlier, i am back in the city. We should meet. I am going to organise something (a dinner?) and let you know.
me: hey, good to hear from you. So i am waiting to hear back from you, right ? C'mon let's meet :)
her: ha ha :) Let's talk over the weekend, i have a dinner plan ;)
me: looking forward to it ;)

ok. one more question to you guys; I should wait for her to get in touch, right ? Even if she doesn't get in touch over the weekend.

thank you all in advance. I will monitor this thread over the weekend and respond if you have any questions.
Also apologies again for my english, i got a bit exhausted over the last half and potentially did more mistakes.

cheers

Why am I overanalyzing my feelings for this guy?!

Anonymous — Sat, 11 May 2013 13:01:15 -0800

I have been dating someone for two weeks, a guy I had a crush on in my writing class. For some reason as I get to know him he's a bit different than I expected. I feel something for him, but it's not a mind-boggling attraction. Now I wonder if it's enough and if it will develop? I'm in my early twenties, and just started dating a fellow college student who is 22. I had always thought he had a cute smile, and I still do... we met in a writing class workshop. He eventually added me on facebook towards the end of the semester. I took this as an opening to say "hi." By the end of the instant message convo, he had asked me out and we exchanged numbers.

I was super excited... and I was looking at all of his photos. I was getting to know him a bit more though and it seemed we were a bit opposite in our likes and dislikes... although he was very big on writing, wants to go to grad school, very creative, wants a family, etc. These are all things I could say about myself. Well I focused on all of those little tidbits we didn't have in common... and thought "oh, maybe we are more different than I thought." The differences are ones like he hates to take naps, I love them, I like cake, he likes pie, he is an extrovert, I am an introvert, etc. So I wasn't sure if we were hitting it off.

When we had our first actual date, I noticed he was kind of shorter than I realized. Not a big thing, but I noticed. He is not conventionally attractive, but he does have a great smile, has great hygiene, smells awesome, etc. He also was very direct and a ball of energy. I was quite surprised. I am used to more reserved guys but found I feel much more loved by people who are extroverted in relationships... because they don't seem to have trouble with affection.

So I wasn't sure how I felt. We had a second date, and I was still feeling things out. Halfway through the date he asks me to be his girlfriend. I felt like I didn't know him nor have any feelings gained yet to build a relationship on. I used to just jump right in... but after two relationships with emotionally unavailable people who turned into different people as soon as we got into a relationship... I just wasn't trusting of people and now MUST feel them out. I didn't get a whole bunch of warm fuzzies around him and the first kiss was awkward... but the second time I really got into it. I slept with him on the third date (yikes!) And really enjoyed it. It was the best sex I had in a loooooong time. I didn't agree to be his gf at this point, because I didn't think I knew him well enough.

So I start doubting how I feel. I didn't know if his shortness would bug me, or his energy, or this or that. I didn't know if I felt strong enough to just be in a relationship with him. I don't feel starry-eyed, but I do feel something. Maybe this means I've grown up? He seems to be someone who still gets infatuated before truly knowing someone. I've made too many mistakes for that to be me.

I'm going back and forth about how I feel about him. It's crazy because I know he is into me, but I recognize I'm not there yet. I was thinking should we just be friends? Am I not attracted enough? Then I see him and I'm a ball of giggles, smiles, I'm kissing him and enjoying it. I slept with him twice in one night! I really liked it and couldn't keep my hands off of him... so why do I feel confused? I freaked out after sleeping with him the second time. I got so anxious about my uncertain feelings I contemplated stopping seeing him... but I don't want to! I love talking to him and being with him is fun, I don't feel crazy about him and I'm not used to not having to guess someone's feelings... I thought I wasn't into him, but when I'm with him it feels different. What's wrong with me?!

I loved him, he loved me, but it was complicated and now he's dead.

cardinality — Sun, 05 May 2013 10:31:59 -0800

I just ended a year-long relationship two months ago with the love of my life. He was a brilliant, creative, talented and generous man with Asperger's and a long, complicated history of severe mental illness. He was an Army vet and had lived an incredible life, full of adventures but also extreme trauma and heartbreak. He killed himself on Friday. How do I go on? I just ended a year-long relationship two months ago with the love of my life. He was a brilliant, creative, generous man with Asperger's and a long, complicated history of severe mental illness. He was an Army vet and had lived an incredible life, full of adventures but also extreme trauma and heartbreak.

I put his needs before mine this past year, many times, and being with him almost destroyed my life. I broke up with him because I had exhausted my every last mental and emotional resource. I was contemplating suicide and told him that I needed to take a break to get my own life back together, to get into therapy and see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life, and to try to find a path to recovery for myself. I told him that I didn't want to see or talk to him for two months. We were going to talk again after May 15th.

Our respective mental illnesses weren't the only reason I wanted to take a break. He has unresolved issues with his former spouse and had some...let's call them emotional fidelity issues, at times. He was always searching for someone to save him, I think, because he was so unbearably tired of everything and had given up on trying to save himself.

I found out through word-of-mouth and the Facebook rumor mill that he ended his life on Friday. He'd had two months of turmoil...he'd immediately taken up with someone else while we were breaking up, a friend in our social circle died unexpectedly a week later, he'd been kicked out of his shared house within a month, had to go home to live with his parent, etc. But he'd been making plans to find a new place and move back to our city just as of this week, when he got some devastating financial news on Friday, and it was just the last straw for him.

He died alone in hopelessness and desperation. I hadn't exchanged more than pleasantries with him these past two months because I was so deeply hurt and angry with him, because I wanted to punish him, because I needed time to think and clear my head, to focus on my own recovery. I've been off of work these past two months and have been slowly clawing my way back from the brink.

I had hoped that after some time had passed and we had time to cool down and think, to live separately and rebuild some stability, that we could have resumed a friendship, if nothing else. He knew I loved him and he knew why I had to leave. He knew I would have stayed until my dying breath if he'd truly wanted and needed me there. I think he'd reached a place where the depression had overtaken everything in his life, and even things like love and friendship, hope, etc. were just out-of-reach intangibles for him.

If any of you have been through this, would you please share with me what helped? Did anything help, other than the passage of time? My friends and family have been so wonderfully kind to me the past two days. I had people staying with me the first 24 hours so I wouldn't do anything stupid.

I've lost other loved ones over the years after desperate, hopeless illnesses. To lose this person is...too much for me.

A friend of his said to me last night, "He was so very tired and couldn't cope anymore. It was his choice and we have to respect that. He's not suffering anymore and he's at peace, now." Her words helped...it *was* his choice. I'm grateful that he's not suffering anymore, because I know he was, had been for many years, and terribly so. That thought is the only thing that's helping me to make peace with it, right now.

The last night we spent together, he told me, "You're what's kept me alive for the past year, and I'm grateful for that."

I feel like I've failed him and I was cruel when I should have been kind, despite that I had given him all of the kindness and understanding that I'd been capable of. When does one draw the line? When is it okay to say, "I don't have the strength to do this anymore? I love you and I'm so sorry, but I can't go on like this anymore?" I feel like I abnegated my responsibility to him, just as a fellow human being. He needed someone to take care of him and I couldn't do it anymore, and now he's dead.

How do I endure the viewing and the funeral? I am concerned that some of his friends or family will blame me for where he ended up, and how. I did the best I could but I had to save myself first. I couldn't save us both.

I am lost in the fog right now, and feeling that everyone I love suffers and dies, while I have to stoically continue on, hating and enduring my life until it finally ends, trying to chisel out small bits of contentment here and there until I'm finally free. Everyone that loves me has begged me not to end it over this. I promised them I wouldn't...I know it's wrong and I don't want to put anyone else through this. But I feel so lost and everything seems black to me, right now.

(I do have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday and I spoke to him yesterday.)

Am I crazy to consider an old 'marriage pact'?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 May 2013 19:31:49 -0800

I've been in a relationship for 3 years, waiting on a proposal. I don't know if it will materialize. Lately I've been fantasizing about an ex-boyfriend who I made a marriage pact with. I lost my virginity in college right before I turned 20. It was amazing and romantic. I was CRAZY for the guy, I'll call him B. We would spend all day and night in his dorm room and (whoops) miss class sometimes. There were sparks and lust and lots in common between us. We are passionate about old music and books, and introduced each other to a lot of things. We were playful and found the same things funny. I used to think 'this is the guy. The ONE'.
Of course, he broke my heart. After 6 months of dating he spent a semester abroad and decided that he needed to be free--this was before cell phones and skype were common. I can't say I blame him now, but at the time I was crushed and it took me at least a year to really move on. He ended up with a serious girlfriend in Paris and moved there after graduation, I got involved with another guy. When I was 23 he got back in touch with me, missing our friendship, so we became long-distance/long-term friends.

When I was 26, my sister and I traveled to Paris and B and I decided to meet up. It was a blast. He and his girlfriend were living together but he didn't introduce us because she was 'the jealous type'. We stayed up late talking in outdoor cafes and he told me that he was so thankful we were together again, and how he felt really bad about how he dumped me. He also said that he was young and dumb then, not fully realizing at the time how incredible I am. He confessed that things were shaky with his girlfriend, but nonetheless she was pushing for marriage, and he didn't see himself making that kind of commitment until his 30s. Me, being blissfully newly single (I had just ended a 4 year relationship) and slutting around Europe agreed marriage was something I don't want until later. (Btw, nothing romantic happened between B and I that night, at least physically, but just being with him in Paris was certainly romantic. I felt sparks but didn't act on them since he still had a girlfriend.)

Anyway, at some point we half-jokingly decided that WE should get married at 35 if nothing else has worked out.

I've only seen B once since that night in Paris. It was 3 years ago. He had broken up with the girlfriend and moved back to the states, a few hours from where I live. I went to visit him as well as another friend who lives there. B and I had a great day, laughing and hugging but just as friends, since I had just started dating the guy I now live with (I'll call him C). He said he was happy for me in my budding relationship, and we have kept in touch through text. There were a few Friday nights that I wasn't with C that I would text B to say hi, or vent about a recent fight I had had with C, or B would text to complain about his dating life. We jokingly called 'em "Friday night advice line" were we traded relationship tips and encouragement. Every once in awhile we'd quip about the pact.

Fast-forward to now. Last week I turned 34. I've been wanting C to propose for almost a year. He just isn't ready. Our first 2 years were great, and last summer I thought for sure we would get married, but now that feeling is fading. We are in a rut sexually and romantically. My birthday was pretty 'meh'. He got me flowers, but no card or heartfelt gift. We spent the weekend out of town but it was my idea / gift to myself and he didn't even try anything sexy.

That night I had a sexual dream about B.

It was hot, but when I woke up to C next to me I felt guilty and confused. C woke up and could tell I was shaken by something. I told him that I was bummed that he didn't put the moves on me last night. He said he was too tired from the drive. He hasn't done anything wrong per se and is really sweet and awesome and all that, I do love him, but I'm wondering if we are just dragging it out. I can go on about it but this post is so long already. Anyway, I was feeling pretty upset about it last night, and texted B. I didn't tell him about the sex dream, just the disappointment in C lately. B said he was sorry to say that it doesn't look good for C and I, and I should give him an ultimatum (propose by a set date or I'm gone). He ended with 'theres always the pact *wink*'.

I'm feeling crazy right now. For the first I'm considering this pact as more than a joke. B and I haven't even really been in an adult relationship, and I haven't even SEEN B in 3 years, but all day I've been caught up in this romantic fantasy that B and I SHOULD get married, that maybe he HAS been The One all along but our timing was all off, and I should go see him soon to see if its real.

Is that terrible of me? or totally naive? If I went to see B JUST TO TALK is that cheating on C? Should I just break up with C first or would I be throwing away years of investment in C on some ridiculous idea of someone I haven't even been physically intimate with in 14 years!?
Am I just starved for romance or could this actually be reasonable?

Has anyone been in a situation like this??? What did you do/any regrets???

Thanks!
--A

Losing relationship chances due to others' interference - help?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 May 2013 13:38:42 -0800

I was recently in the situation where I met a possible new love interest but, due to interference by a mutual social group, the relationship never had a chance to begin. How common is this and how can I protect myself? Snowflakes inside. I am a quiet, introverted person and someone who doesn't get the chance to meet many new men. Recently I met a new group of people, whom I hoped to be friends with, but whom I didn't really know very well. I was new in town and this was a more established group, but people who had themselves been new not long earlier.

The group included two men, A, who was taken, and B who became single within a few months of me meeting him. I liked B, and I think he liked me. A, acting as go-between asked me private questions about my relationship history on behalf of B, and, before and after, began to warn me away from B, (subtly of course, talking about "a friend" rather than naming names) as B and I would not be suited to one another, and B needed "a different type of girl" or something of that sort, and if the relationship were to proceed it would be unhappy for both B and I eventually. I heard little directly from B at this stage.

Other than this A and I seemed to get along well. A got married, and I was not invited to the wedding, and it was suggested this was so B could bring someone else as a date.

Finally B met someone else and is now in a relationship with her, so I missed the chance, if there ever was one, with B. I feel like I was never given the chance to show what I had to offer.

I want to know how I can protect myself from this happening again. How common is it to use a friend to suss out a new love interest anyhow? Wouldn't that look a bit weak or is this normal in Guess Culture?
How do I know if the intermediary (in this case: A) is trustworthy? What if I don't want them knowing my private business (e.g. relationship history)?
What did I do wrong here that I should not do again next time?

Please remember with your responses I'm still really sensitive about this - be gentle!

Still miss my ex and struggling to move on.

Anonymous — Wed, 01 May 2013 14:58:10 -0800

I’m a 31 year-old female. About 9 months ago, a 2-year relationship ended. I’m still struggling a lot with it. How abnormal is this, and what else can I do? I know breakups aren’t supposed to be easy, and I knew this one would be tough – I loved him deeply, and I had thought that we would be together for the long-haul. I know that he loved me as well. I think we were well-matched in a lot of ways and many aspects of our relationship were wonderful.

We did talk about marriage and children, but when things started to get serious (like when we started looking at apartments to live in together), he would pull back and talk about doubts he had about the relationship. This obviously caused me a lot of anxiety, and I think the way I reacted pushed him away further.

Looking back, I see more clearly why he wasn’t happy and realized that I wasn’t fully satisfied with the relationship either. We didn’t communicate well about difficult subjects, and there was sometimes and undercurrent of tension because of this. I think also after the first year or so we lost some of the joy of being in love and learning about each other. But I also think a lot of our problems were rooted or at least made more challenging by my long-term struggle with depression, and associated insecurities. So I can see now that our relationship couldn’t continue the way it was going, and I do think some positive things have come out of this breakup for me.

The problem is, I still miss him a ton. I think about him all the time, and find myself wishing things could have worked out differently. I cry not infrequently. It’s like every time I have a new revelation or reflection on “what went wrong” I also have strong feelings of regret for not doing things differently (although I do of course realize the failure of our relationship wasn’t 100% my responsibility). I’ve even considered contacting him to see if he would be open to the idea of attempting to reconcile, which I am 99% sure he wouldn’t be, and I have a hard time seeing how that could work even if he were interested.

I’ve followed most of the tried-and-true breakup advice. I cut off contact with the ex, re-connected with friends, gotten into new hobbies and social groups, and have focused more on my career. I’ve also been seeing a therapist (for depression as well as because of the breakup), and reading a lot of self-help and relationship books.

About 5 months post-breakup I put up an OkCupid profile and started dating again. At first I actually enjoyed getting back out there and meeting interesting guys, even though I knew I didn’t feel a strong connection or feel like things could go anywhere with any of them. I think it was nice to have the ego boost of realizing, “Hey there are still guys out there I can find attractive/ find me attractive, even though I’m (gasp!) in my 30’s!”

But lately I’ve felt bored by dating (and haven’t been getting very many messages anyway), and not hopeful about it. Even though it seems (relatively) easy as it to find someone for a date or 3, it feels nearly impossible to find a meaningful connection. Some of this might have to do with my lingering attachment to my ex, of course, but that seems like a Catch-22 since it seems hard to get over someone without someone new in the picture. I have a lot of “I will never love anyone again / grow old alone” anxiety when I think about my long-term romantic prospects, since the pool of potential partners does shrink as you get older (especially for women).

So I guess my questions are:
- I know there’s no hard-and-fast rule, but is the amount of time it’s taking me to get over this breakup in the ballpark of normal? I’ve heard the “half the time you were together” rule but that is coming up soon.
- Is there anything that I’m not doing that could help me move on?
- How do you deal with “I will never love anyone again / grow old alone” anxiety? Because, I mean, it’s totally possible that I really will never again have with someone else what I had (or could have had) with my ex.
- Are my instincts correct that reaching out to my ex would be a bad idea?

Thank you in advance everyone. There are a lot of wise/smart folks around here and I appreciate any insight, anecdata, advice you can provide.

Completely clueless (Sigh.)

strelitzia — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 13:44:33 -0800

What does the process of finding a life partner look like? How did you guys find a "right" person for romantic relationships and eventual (hopefully) life partnerships?

I have been "getting back on the dating horse" recently, trying to meet as many single men as I can, and am having a terrible time of it. For whatever reason(s), in 5 years of continuous effort I have not been able to meet a man...

a) my age (40s)
b) with whom mutual attraction exists
c) who wants more than just getting laid
d) is open to the possibility of a long-term relationship
e) is committed to personal, professional, and emotional growth
f) who has the desire for reciprocity
g) can see the awesome qualities I have and bring to the dating/relationship table
h) has a bunch of awesome stuff of his own to bring to said table

I just don't get it. How hard is this supposed to be? I apologize for being so morbid and pessimistic, but I am at the pinnacle of frustration.

Is it possible to meet a guy who meets the above description that I could love and who would love me back? Please be kind, folks. This stuff is kicking my ass bad. Thanks.

What really matters in a long term relationship?

meb123 — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 13:48:01 -0800

I love my boyfriend dearly but am starting to doubt our long term potential. I don't know if I'm asking smart questions, or letting my inner commitment phoebe dictate my thinking. Last week I asked this question about how my boyfriend and I can figure out how to move to the same place and take the next step in our relationship.
http://ask.metafilter.com/239367/How-to-get-to-the-same-place-in-a-medium-distance-relationship

We've had a few conversations about this since, and I've spent a good deal of time thinking about it. I'm beginning to worry that the real problem is not that the geographical distance between us, or the fact that we are in different stages in our lives, but that perhaps our life values and long term goals are less compatible than I had originally thought.

I have a job that I love - it stimulates me, challenges me, allows me to travel, and introduces me every day to smart and passionate people that I respect. I'm not sure exactly where I want to be in 5-10 years, and I'm sure my "plan" will change, but I know I am on the path I want to be on. Having a career, not just a job, that I am proud of and that enriches my life is a non-negotiable to me. This is a big part of who I am.

My boyfriend is in a field he is less than passionate about. He would like to change careers - but he isn't sure what his dream field would be - he says there are lots of jobs he could do and enjoy. I know he's frustrated by his search and that he's made decisions in his past that have left him in a less than desirable situation and is depressed about that. But he's been saying that while he wants a job that pays the bills and allows him to travel and live comfortably, he doesn't want his happiness to live or die with his job or career and would be plenty happy with a job that didn't stress him out. He says a job doesn't define who you are, and while he respects and admires my drive, he doesn't envy me and the way I feel.

I feel torn and confused. I have always know that he did not have the same level of ambition as I did - and actually appreciated the balance that brought to our relationship - but have felt for the past two years that he has been working to get to a job and a place in his life that he felt passionate about. I realize now that I was probably projection that onto him more than anything.

He now says he will come to where I am and look for a job, but wants to know that if it came down to it, I would choose him over my career. I have replied that I would always prioritize our relationship over my career, but that my career is also important to me and I would never give up my career for our relationship - because that is an essential part of who I am, and because it's a false choice and I wouldn't want to be with someone who would ask me to make it. No different than if he felt the same way about his job, I would never dream of asking him to give that up - I would find the way we could both do what we wanted, or as close to it as possible.

I am really torn as to whether this will work for us in the long term. On one hand, I understand where he is coming from and respect that it's his opinion. As I said before, our differences do balance our relationship in many ways. I know plenty of people live very happily like that and I don't think there is anything wrong with it - it's just not who I am.

At the same time, I find passion very attractive and important - it's a value I would want to instill in my children. I know that can take many forms and that not all of us are lucky enough to do what we are passionate about for work.

I find myself wondering what it would be like with someone who had a more similar drive to me - not in the same field necessarily, but just something, ANYTHING, that they really loved and were working at. I feel that really enriches a relationship. I worry that if my boyfriend came here one or both of us would grow to resent the other for a variety of reasons. He wants to live in the country, I want to live in the city - so we compromise on the suburbs, but then neither of us is truly happy. I have friends who have done that and it has never worked. At what point do you compromise away your entire relationship until you are left with a middle ground that leaves no one happy?

I know that if we are going to take the next step I need to be ready to accept the fact that this is who he is and be ok if he always just has a series of jobs he feels OK about. I should say that he is not the type to be jobless or try and mooch off of me - it's not that he doesn't have a good work ethic, more that is he less driven/ambitious than I am and that I thought he was.

I recently had dinner with an old boss who was telling me that when he met and fell for his wife part of what was so great about it was that he didn't only fall in love with her as a person but he really loved her life - the friends she had, the things she cared about, and the world that he was brought into. And it made me jealous because I don't feel that way. I can certainly see a happy home life with my boyfriend - aside from this we have an amazing and loving relationship. I know that no two relationships are alike, each requires compromise, and that I could be with someone who matched up on paper but with no spark. I know people dating someone who is "perfect" for them, but they cry themselves to bed every night.

I am really struggling with whether I am being unfair and simply terrified of making a commitment or if I could be very happy in this situation, or if the truth is that this is not going to work out because we have different values. I would love any advice and input - especially from people who are in similar situations on either side of them.

A few good men (and women)

sockomatic — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 22:52:11 -0800

I'm looking for stories, personal and otherwise, about men and women showing extraordinary devotion, faithfulness, honesty, and integrity in relationships. About a week ago, I listened to a story by the late comedian Mike DeStefano about how he took care of his wife while she was dying of AIDS. The top-to-bottom love he expressed for her in it just destroyed me. I was bawling. It made me feel good and optimistic about relationships in a way that I hadn't felt in years.

In light of recent depressing news about philandering alt rock gods, I'm looking for more stories like this. Stories where people are the best version of themselves in their relationships, rather than the worst.

How to date someone who is new to dating

tulip-socks — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 06:17:53 -0800

I'm seeing a guy who hasn't done much dating. I can't tell how much of our dynamic is his lack of familiarity with dating, how much is just differences in our relationship preferences, and how much might be differences in upbringing. So what I need are some tools for figuring that out. Without using the phrase "Love Languages." I'm specifically asking how to approach this. Sample script, book suggestions, podcast recommendations, offers to help me practice via Skype* would be much appreciated.

I know to avoid the generalizations of "you always" or "you never." I know to be specific instead of vague. So I think I'm looking for 102 level lessons instead of introductory material.

First, the things I want to talk about are minor. He meets all the requirements for decent human being. I just have some preferences for what makes me feel appreciated in certain circumstances that he doesn't know about because he's not a mind reader. One example conversation would be that he still doesn't keep a hand towel in his only bathroom and it is weird to me that I keep needing to dry my hands on my pants even though I've asked if he has one each of the four times I've been over. Buying one myself feels too damn domestic/like a weird passive agressive gift. Surely there is a middle way. This is actually the thing that is prompting this question. (If you guessed acts of service, you'd be correct! If you guessed that his mother stayed home for years and did everything in the home, you're psychic, I guess. Mine did not.)

I'd also like to really talk about the things I really enjoy about him - there are lots.

I don't want to use the phrase "love languages" because I don't want to be thinking about "love" yet. I'm still getting to know him. Slowly, which is very new to me.

Also, more importantly, I think it's all subject to Forer effect. I want to set about creating a safe space for ongoing dialogue about what actually matters to us, rather than erecting a scaffolding that encourages us to make more assumptions about each other. (Some acts of service are very annoying to me. For instance, there is no need to pull my chair out for me each time I sit down to a meal, though I would love to marry a guy who always pumps my gas because I just don't want to have to think about it.)

So I need some tools to initiate healthy conversations that will help me (and him!) learn about each other. So, while this previous ask.me was helpful, it's not quite what I'm looking for.

*only half joking.

I love my girlfriend, but cannot shake this feeling.

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:56:07 -0800

I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years and am very much in love. She is bipolar and it is affecting my emotional and mental health. I cannot shake these feelings of leaving her but I know love is hard to come by. What should I do? I am having trouble shaking these feelings, so I wanted to throw it up here to get more advice.

I am in my mid twenties and have been dating someone for about 2 years. I love her so much and she loves me. We recently found out that she is bipolar. This actually explains a lot of the issues that have come up in the relationship and we have been working on getting her help.

For the past couple of months I have not been able to shake the feeling of wanting to break free from the relationship. It has caused me a lot of confusion because I have never been so in love with anybody before. This relationship has been the most rewarding and most trying relationship of my life.

My emotional and mental health have really been neglected because most of my time is spent helping her with her issues. When I am the happiest is when she is doing well and feeling loved. A lot of effort is put into helping her get here.

As you may know, you always need to be alert while dating a bipolar person. It's not their fault, but any little thing can push them over the edge. I am someone who loves to help people and get a lot of my fulfillment in "fixing" issues.

While my SO is as giving as she can be, my needs and desires are always pushed to the side and I don't usually get to be a focus in the relationship. While this is ok and sometimes necessary in this type of relationship, I can't help but desire a more fulfilling relationship.

As I said, I love this girl so much and know no matter what relationship she is in, her SO will have to work more than in other relationships. I am very happy to be that for her. I suppose I chose this life by being with her. This is my issue in my head.

My issue is that I know things will not get better. She will always be bipolar and, although the relationship will always have great points (when they are great, they are GREAT), I know I will have to forfeit some of my desires.

I know the grass is not greener on the other side, believe me. I went through a very hard breakup years ago the left me realizing that it's not better, just different outside of a relationship.

The thought of breaking up with her breaks my heart. I know that eventually, I will be ok. I suppose I am wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation. Love is a hard thing to find. If you have it, should you hold onto it until your dying breath? Have you ever broke up with someone you really loved and regretted it years later? Are my concerns a result of being young and immature? I don't want to make a decision I will really regret later.

How can I inspire my partner to be a healthy, fit person with me?

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 10:20:11 -0800

I want to be a healthy, fit person, and I want my partner to want that, too. What's the selling point? How can I convince my SO to make this change with me and notice how our generally very sedentary life is sucking the life out of our relationship? Help! My partner and I have been together for years. We have occasionally been active together, but it's few and far between. I would love for us to be more active, but I have significantly less time than my partner, whose behavior is impeding my ability to make time for this personally. I work full time and I am also completing some necessary schoolwork that takes up a lot of my time. My partner doesn't have this additional responsibility, but I still find that we are contributing unequally around the house (I contribute more). This is obviously frustrating for me, but even more so when it causes me to have less time to take care of myself (and it's showing, which makes me feel even worse). I frequently work 10-12 hour days and come home to find that my partner has been home for hours and hasn't done anything, when I was planning to workout. Of couse, I don't have time for that because if I don't clean or make dinner, it won't happen. This is is definitely a separate but similar problem re: energy and commitment levels, which is why I'm including it here.

So my goal is to get us both working out, but not necessarily together. We in our early thirties and although we are within normal weight range, we are really "fat skinny". We pass for thin but would not consider myself or my partner as physically fit (highly sedentary at this point). I think many aspects of our lives, mostly our energy levels and hopefully our sex life, could be improved by being fit and feeling well. I am definitely doing my best to keep up with my health despite my time limitations, but my partner is really "no thanks" on the whole idea of being fit and exercising. How do I make it clear that this is important to me (you know, other than saying this, which is definitely something I've done)? We have no plans for a family (this would be very difficult for us anyway) so "being healthy for a family" isn't really a good place to start. We do have a gym membership; my partner just never goes. And I don't want the "start small" stuff like taking walks... We have pets and are (short-distance) velo commuters, so that stuff's already happening.

Also, I realize that I sound very negative, but I love my partner and don't want to be overly pushy about this. This isn't a matter of "you are really unhealthy and this is a dealbreaker" either; I just think we could both be in way better shape and be much happier for it. Thoughts?

How to bring up attitude and exes without causing another argument?

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 06:30:09 -0800

The boyfriend will take things I say in totally the wrong way, how do I explain this to him without starting another argument? And he compares me to his ex when doing this stuff...long-winded details inside. I've been seeing my boyfriend for quite a while now, and we have a great, loving relationship. However, lately he has taken things I've said to him in the wrong fashion.
For example the most recent issue: I was on the phone, trying to tell him something somewhat funny and very minor about work (we work for the same company) and at one point he asked me a question/clarification about something I'd said. I began to explain and he suddenly started yelling at me and telling me "I'm not fucking stupid, I know what you're saying. What I'M SAYING IS [proceeds to explain his statement via yelling]...*insert me asking him to please not curse or yell at me*...I wasn't trying to cuss and yell at you, I was explaining my point and couldn't get it done because you keep talking over me! I had this happen in my last goddamn relationship and I'll be damned if it happens in this one!"
I wasn't raising my voice towards him, I wasn't using a condescending tone towards him, I wasn't even trying to talk over him. I had no idea he felt like I was talking over him...to be honest, there wasn't but one point in the conversation that I interrupted him and I apologized and told him to go on. This wasn't anything that should have resulted in an argument, there was nothing there I was trying to argue...I was simply telling him something kind of funny that had happened on my shift and giving him a head's up in case he encountered the same problem.
Similar things have happened a few times in the past month or two. It's very unlike him. My previous relationship was one where I was berated constantly because I was very negative about life...which, after many doctor visits, ended up being because of hormonal imbalances and major depression to boot. I have all of that fixed, and I feel wonderful. I make a point to make sure I'm not negative towards my boyfriend, and that I don't use a condescending or otherwise negative tone towards him...

At the beginning of our relationship, he told me a lot about his ex...namely, he was verbally abused by her. I've been in one of those relationships, and I understood completely. He was also used, cheated on, had the police called on him for made-up 'domestic violence' situations, and a host of other things. This woman has repeatedly stalked and harassed him until recent months when he finally got the message through to her by threatening police/legal interference if it didn't stop.
I've been told several times during these recent and ridiculous non-issue arguments that "I was done this way by [insert ex's name] and you won't do that to me!" or "She did that to me and I'll be damned if you do me that way!" and so on.

I understand that we all probably compare a new relationship to the last one we had...I certainly did at the beginning of this one, and he admitted he was doing so as well. He even stated once, "You'll have to give me a little bit of time with some things...I'm not used to being treated this way/having this done/not having to argue about this/etc." We both have laughed at how unbelievably opposite he is to my ex, and I to his. We really do have a great relationship, and have had up until these few spats started.

How do I bring up the fact that how he is talking to me hurts me? And how do I bring up the fact that comparing me to his ex during these problems is making things worse? I don't want to irritate him further by bringing this up, but at the same time I feel like he has taken things completely the wrong way on these few occasions...is there a tactful way to explain all that without starting yet another senseless argument? Or how do I ask him if there is something bothering him or something wrong that is causing this stuff to happen? I'm worried about him...it's a very sudden and random change and I don't know if there is something wrong, something I did, or something else going on outside of our relationship that is causing all of this to happen. I'd just like to sit down one day and explain all this to him...but I'm not sure how to go about it without causing further issues.
Any input is appreciated. Anon for obvious reasons. Sorry for the lengthy post...just wanted to make sure I covered everything.

QuotationFilter: love unlike taxes and either like sustainability?

Prince_of_Cups — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 11:02:07 -0800

I'm searching for a quotation that was paraphrased to me as

Talking about sustainability should not be like doing taxes, it must be like writing a love letter.

The person (architect, with interest in sustainable design) who paraphrased this to me is certain this is not the actual quotation and citation, and believes it came to her attention within the past seven years.

Why am I doubting my relationship all of a sudden?

Chelsaroo650 — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:37:38 -0800

I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. At 9 months he finally said he loved me, but I don't know if I really feel the love from him. Out of nowhere I'm having strong doubts. What should I do about them? Is this normal? I'm 21, he's 25 and things have been kind of questionable from his side the whole time we have been dating. He was the guy I posted about who told me to go home once when we initially started dating. He doesn't act like that anymore, things have changed considerably, but some things remain about the same.

It took 4 months before he started to want to see me more, and I didn't know if it was truly a viable relationship with how he was acting. He did change some, invited me over, we started to have a lot more fun together. Yet he didn't always contact me much besides two or three texts or a late phone call every now and then.

In fact, once we reached the 6 month mark and beyond up until the 9 month love confession, I couldn't tell if he was in love. My thought process went like this "I love him, does he love me? Are we in love with each other?" I didn't know if I felt it from him.

He told me on Valentine's Day, which was sweet but I was upset he wasn't compelled to tell me a couple months before. He then seemed to treat saying "I love you" like something you say and then get over with. He wasn't saying it when we left each other, after we slept together, just not much at all. The day after he said it I said I loved him in a text and he said "lubb you." Now we can be silly, but it just didn't seem right.

He does show his love in other ways; practical ways. Getting me something useful around the house, cleaning things for me, cooking for me, giving me gas money if he worries I might not have enough. He's like that because of caring for his mother and sister, I'm quite sure. There is no father figure in his family.

I do remember one night when we left his sister's and he said goodnight, and that he loved her... And i was overwhelmed with... Why can't you say that to me?!

We do get along well, laugh a lot, like a lot of the same things. Yet I have doubts about the validity of it all. I haven't wanted sex, partially because it's routine and partially because I don't feel loved in the end. The words don't come.

I also have another issue, and maybe I'm just crazy, but our relationship is not on facebook. Not even that we are in one. My friends have pictures, they're getting married, moving in together... And I can't even get my boyfriend to post our status. He says he wants his privacy and that everyone already knows we're together. Yet it still bugs me. Like it will be easy for him to walk away because I haven't left my mark.

He also has trouble with making me a priority or including me. I work a lot, but when I had three evenings off in a row... He went to see his mom the one night, his friends the next, and promised me he would drive out to my parents' house to see me. He always has an excuse, and this time was no different; "I'm kinda tired, think I might need to stay home and relax today." I was miffed. He ended up coming out, but purely out of guilt. Granted we do see each other 3 to 4 times a week, I always pack up and come over. But don't feel the same desire from him.

I told him I felt like the last person on the list and that he doesn't come through for me. I know he cares for his mother and everything... But I can still make time to see him with my crazy schedule. I do love him, but don't always feel loved. I don't know what the future holds. I did have a talk with him about needing him to say i love you more, making me a priority, and about the future. He said he hadn't thought very far, that he's not ready to be on his own with someone, and that marriage wasn't an option yet. I am not wanting to be married, but i would at least have liked to speak of moving in or getting engaged... Which he hasn't.

He's been trying to get me to move in with his sister who lives alone. She's kind of difficult and selfish to live with from what I gather. I got a vibe from him about our relationship when he mentioned the moving in with his sister thing would be temporary. I felt like I was temporary.

I had been silencing these doubts for awhile when I started investigating why I wasn't interested in sex, which triggered anxiety because everything I read said my relationship was over. I panicked. I ran away with the idea it was over and started doubting everything at once. Like a switch turned my doubts on full blast. I started thinking I love him, no you don't, yes I do! The anxiety escalated one night about a week ago to the point where I was in tears. I was with my boyfriend that night but suddenly found myself in the bathroom crying to my mom on the floor. My mind was telling me "you should just end it" but my heart was saying no.

I started thinking intensely about why the doubts exploded. Whether that was what I wanted. I don't know the future, which does bother me. I don't know if I feel in love, because his love is not like other loves,I've experienced. I'm not sure about it. I started seeing guys at college wondering is that what i want? Would he be more romantic? Enthusiastic? I was so upset I landed in the counselor's office at school.

That same day a guy who had struck up a conversation with me a week before saw me and waited to talk to me after class. I didn't know what to think about the contact but felt special from it. It ended with him asking for my phone number. I was testing myself to see if I wanted to date others so I gave him it. He texted me right away and asked me what I was doing the next day. I said working and eventually said I was in a relationship.

I stopped talking to him because i wanted to work things out with my boyfriend. He says he will talk to me more, tell me he loves me more, and wants me to be happy. I just feel like we never had this bond other couples have, where they are stuck on each other. They're in love, they are there for each other. He's been saying it more and texting me a little bit more, and driving to me more... But I wish he was in love with me enough to want to do those things. Yet I want to be with him... I still love him. But I wish he was proud of our relationship and showed it off. I'm at a loss. My anxiety is through the roof.

My friend is in love with another friend's sister?

JYuanZ — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 09:57:42 -0800

tl;dr: Friend likes friend's sister. Friend is very socially awkward and sister is very scared of him for his "creepy" demeanor (according to her words) and the sister needs to know how to make him stop liking her. Ideas discussed include outright rejection, fake boyfriend, fake pictures, which I had mostly disagreed with, and need advice to sort this out. Regarding the guy and the sister, they've known each other for a few years (I'm guessing 2 or 3?) but around five months ago, my "friend" (let's call him David) started to act in a way that very very strongly insinuated that she was in love with my friend's sister.
Before I continue let me explain who he is. In the past he's said several things that have offended me (aka personal stuff). He is very socially inept and struggles to have conversations with many people besides his circle of 5 friends. He also doesn't understand social cues and is very oblivious to simple things, and he has a very... awkward demeanor, to be honest. I can't say I'm the biggest fan of his character but he tries to invite himself to things that my friends and I plan - I don't know how he finds out about them but when he's there he generally sits alone without saying many words at all. Because of this I tried to let him off with the stupid things he says but... he's said so much offensive things (because he doesn't understand that they are offensive) that makes it hard for me to keep forgiving him.
tl;dr for above paragraph. friend is very socially awkward with an equally awkward demeanor, has said many offensive things to me but doesn't know it because he doesn't understand social cues
Back to the story; the sister finds out that David is in love with her and she is very weirded out. They used to be decent friends but when she found out it became very awkward and she became scared of her. Oh, and for the record, sometime very shortly after she finds out, the relationship between the brother and David had become much, much more strained.
An important point that I should note is that the brother,sister, another friend (call him John) and I drove up to the university where my other friends attended. We walked around together as a group - me, John, the siblings, David, and other friends from university for a group of 8. While we hung out together several of us talked to the sister, not about David's love for her but just as friends, making dumb jokes and pointing out random things - you know, what friends do. BUT.
When I get back, John received a three paragraph letter from David saying how he was troubled that he couldn't talk to the girl because he was so awkward and didn't know what he could say, and that he often lagged behind the group because he was crying and didn't want anyone to see. He said that he was in love with the sister and that he wants to know how she thought of him. Overall, it was a letter of jealousy and, to be honest, a hint of hatred towards us.
tl;dr for above paragraphs. We (me, friend, the brother and sister) go up to uni to see the rest of our friends that inclues David When we get home there is a letter from David that says he was crying that he didn't have the social ability to talk to the sister and that he was in love
We (sans David) had a conversation on Skype about it, some suggested that she just reject him the next time they see each other so that this can be dealt with, but I feel that's too harsh. Any advice?

Friendship non-romance dating question

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 06:13:33 -0800

I met this guy who approached me on an internet dating site (I am guy as well). I didn't find him physically attractive, but he seemed nice, we had a lot in common, and go to the same college, so I met up (I told him I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time and just wanted to be friend). We met twice, and had a good time (as friends). He was cool, although we really didn't click like soul mates. I'm pretty sure he's interested in something more, but I'm definitely not. He wants to get together again, but I'm really conflicted about what to do. On the one hand, I do like him as a friend. But at the same time, I just can't help feeling like I'm leading him on. I am pretty sure he at least hopes that I will fall for him (like he hasn't come onto me yet, but he texts just that little bit too much and is always the one to initiate things).

I blew him off for our last meet up (as I was genuinely extremely busy that week), and I told him I'd arrange something for this week. Except now I'm finding I'm dreading getting in touch with him. I just don't want to get in this situation (which I've been in like a several times in the past) where some guy or girls falls for me and I can't like them back. I've had a really quite dramatic experience recently where a pretty good friend came onto me, I rejected, and he and both thought it'd be cool. However, he didn't really get over it, and it deteriorated to the point where we can no longer talk. I feel like I really ended up hurting his feelings, and possibly his belief in his own attractiveness (I tried to be extremely nice, but he was really sensitive). I really don't want to do that again. Internet guy is also really shy and sensitive, so it seems like it could be another disaster in the making.

So, I'm not sure what to do. Should I get over my own fears about people falling for me and be friends. Or should I save us both the trouble and heartbreak and not call back? I feel like it's a bit of a crap thing to not call back, but I'm thinking it may be the easier route for all concerned.

I dated a bad boy and now I don't know how to get over him.

Likeashadow — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 18:24:44 -0800

I recently dated this guy whom I have to admit I liked him a lot for the sex in spite of everything else I hated about him. He is your definition of a player, he is hot and cold, talks to you one weekend, and not talk to you the next. After three months of hot and cold behaviors, I have finally decided to let him go but inside I am still hurting. Any heart to heart advice? I fell for the sweet words at the beginning, things like "I have never met a girl like you," "I want you to my future wife," "I am falling in love with you," etc and etc, and his extreme good looks. That was over 3 months ago. Now it seems like he only contacts me for booty calls. I cut off the interaction as soon as I realized that was all he wanted.

Admittedly, I am a little heart broken. I want to move on but I see him a lot at work. I know I fell in love with his d*ck (I just got out of a relationship and I was looking for a little bit of fun)... He is still nice to me at work. He won't talk to me much outside of work these days but he still stops by my office to say hi. It is hard for me to not feel anything when I see him.

if you have been through similar situations where you fell for the wrong person (guy or girl), what do you do to wean yourself off of them? What kind of thoughts do you tell yourself in order to move on?

Advice for the anxiously attached.

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 12:16:26 -0800

I'm in a great new relationship, yay! It's been about 4 months. I like her. She likes me. But I am a classic anxiously attached type, and I would like your advice on how to cope with the "omg what will I do when she figures out I'm a loser and she dumps me and why didn't she call last night and she seemed annoyed when I said that and omg what if she doesn't like me anymore" feeling. I know that I'm experiencing a cognitive/emotional glitch, and I don't act out by asking for lots of reassurance. Been there done that in other relationships, and I have a better handle on it now. However, when these thoughts and feelings arise, it's very uncomfortable, and I would like to enjoy myself more as I get to know her better. What are your tips/reading recommendations/mantras etc.? Let's leave therapy off the table for now.

Foolish Comment Ruins Chance With Amazing Woman

Anonymous — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 17:15:15 -0800

I recently met an amazing, smart woman. On our third date, I made a stupid comment that offended her. I made it worse by trying to cover myself. I really want to salvage this situation and see this woman again. Sorry, long story. I am a male in my mid 30s. I recently met an amazing woman and over the space of 5 days, we had 3 incredible dates. I could write volumes on her virtues and my desire to see her again. To be clear, while it seems that I am acting desperately, I usually have no problems dating and my personal and social skills are usually good. This woman is properly special.

On our third date, she came to my place. I was in the midst of packing my house to move and it was in a chaotic state. I was greeted with a kiss and an embrace. I made her a late breakfast and coffee and we chatted and fooled around a little for about an hour. Then, in a rush of reckless passion, I foolishly said "Crazy idea, just putting it out there, if you want, we could get a hotel over the weekend. I bet we could get a really good deal this weekend". Obviously she said no and I made things worse by saying something like "Thats cool. That was a test". I could see myself saying these things in an out-of-body kind of way but even though I know it was a supremely idiotic thing to say, I couldn't stop myself. The date continued for about 5 more hours in exactly the same vein as it had before the comment such that I thought that we had moved on from this faux pas. We fooled around a little, talked about deep ideas and future activities. I had all indications that things were rosy.

Before she left, I said that I would give her space and not make first contact. I know that I was coming on strongly and I didn't want to scare her aware. She said that she didn't want me to scare her away either and once I had her, she'd be completely mine. Again, a strong indication that all was well.

She called me the next day. I was having lunch with a friend and we had a quick banter and I said I'd call her back. I did about an hour later, but no answer and I left no message. I called again about 3 hours later and left a message and got an SMS shortly afterwards explaining that she was on the phone to a friend and that she'd be a while but would call me back.

So yesterday, she calls back and we have a chat for about 10 minutes about all sorts of things. After this normal conversation she says "Hey, I don't think this is going to work. I can't say how deeply offended I was by your hotel comment yesterday. I don't think that it was a test and that is a really shitty thing to so". I agreed as it was. I apologised and said that even as I was saying it I knew it was the wrong thing. I was in complete shock as I had no indication that this was going to happen. I then said that I was really disappointed in myself and sad that she felt that way. I said that I really liked her, wished her good luck and that she should get in touch if she changed her mind.

I've had the stuffing completely knocked out of me. I am in shock, so I write down a list of things that I am thinking and try and get on with the stuff I need to do. But I keep stewing on it and I felt it was important that I told her that I thought she was not the kind of person to treat that way (in fact, who is? - another error!) and that I hoped that we had spent enough time together for her to know that I am not the kind of person to take advantage of others. I tried to explain that due to recent events in my life, I am struggling with appropriate immediacy for fear of losing an excellent opportunity and inappropriate recklessness. About 45 minutes after the original call, I called her back and left her a message telling her all of this and added that I probably shouldn't be calling her, but I was deeply sorry and that wouldn't contact her again.

The hotel comment was out of character and inappropriate, I get that. My feeble attempt to cover it up made it worse. My final call made things even worse still. The mere fact that she was offended by my comment actually makes me respect her more. I actually want to be with someone with those kind of morals, not the ones I asked for.

There is something really special about this woman and I felt a depth of feeling I have never felt before. Except for the silly remark, I thought, based on her actions, she felt the same way. I honestly feel that she is worth working really hard for. I am a romantic person, so if there is some gesture or action that I can take, I don't think it would be inauthentic. I realise I messed up and I am willing to risk my pride and ego to do whatever it takes. Being authentic and honest is really important to me. Even if this doesn't work out, I like her to know that I understand why she has rejected me and that I think that she is right to have done so.

If I am uncomfortably immodest for a moment, I have had no troubles finding and dating attractive women. I have met a few recently, but I really like this one. And I want a second chance.

Can I save this? On the slim chance that I can, how do I save this?

How to avoid communication with the girl before the first date?

Atlantic — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 01:36:46 -0800

I met a girl at a bar and I want to know how to avoid chatting with her all week before our first date. Long story short, a friend of mine who bar-tends at a local university bar where I usually hang out, sneaks us into a private function the night of a hockey game we wanted to watch.

Turns out the private function was a speed dating/singles meet-up thing. Essentially my friends and I are sitting their without name tags watching the game and I decide to start chatting with one of the speed dating patrons standing next to me, inquiring about the whole process. We talk for a solid few hours, share some fries, a few drinks and exchange numbers. She texts me later that night, we have some small talk and I say good night. I then set up a date with her the next afternoon for the upcoming week. Unfortunately, both of us couldn't get together until this coming thursday for scheduling reasons.

Basically my question is: I feel like I really connected with this girl and I can tell she feels similar. However, I don't want to spend the week talking via text etc. because I want to save something for our first date. I also don't want either party to build any preconceived notions about each other before we've formally gone out to get to know each other.

How do I politely go about this when she continually tries to make conversation over text. Don't get me wrong, I like it but I just think it's a bad idea. We still have until thursday before going out...

When is relocation a good idea?

winterportage — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:43:40 -0800

I know where I want to live. I'm trying to decide what career I want to pursue. And I want to bring my boyfriend along with me. Nothing is certain and I want to know whether I should be taking big risks at this point. And I need to pick a focus. I turned 25 a couple weeks ago. I can’t decide whether I’m in a panic over my future, or not taking it seriously enough. I have a few ideas of what I’d like to do, but I can’t help but feel like I might be floundering in delusions. I have a bachelor’s degree in classical piano and liberal arts. I am teaching lessons part time while I look for another temp job ( my last one ended two weeks ago, on my birthday actually). I have been working since the age of 16 in different places like retail, a museum and an arts theatre (ticket sales and usher), a summer program for youth, a national sports competition, canvasser for a human rights org., and a trade association related to the arts (admin assistant). I feel as though I’ve had many interesting job experiences but no focus or goal to work toward. It's probably better not to continue in such a fashion, right?

I’m currently living with my boyfriend in a city nearby to my hometown. I have a fondness for this city, but don’t see it as my final destination, and have had my eyes on a bigger city 2 hours away for a while now. The city I want to live in has great culture, affordable apartments, a really good transit system, and is big enough to be considered as a world class city. If I have a child, I would want to raise them in that city. My boyfriend knows that my dream is to live there, and he says he is willing to move with me. He is from another part of the country though ( we're in Canada), and doesn’t have any connections in this other city. I don't know if it would be a wise move for him, professionally, but he doesn't seem to really know what he wants at the moment besides being involved in his political party.

The problem with me figuring this move out is that I haven’t figured my career out either. I miss school a lot, and since I don’t have a lot of debt, I think going back to school is a good option for me. My grades are above average but not top notch. While I think grad school is an invaluable experience for many people, I don’t really think it’s a good idea for me unless it serves a particular professional goal.

Here are the options I am currently considering.

• Pursue writing/communications/journalism. Something I’ve only begun to think about recently, despite being a liberal arts major. At my last job, I got to do promotional articles for the website and really enjoyed it. I relished in the opportunity to make a mark. My plan in this case would be to get a day job to pay the rent while I pursue (unpaid or paid) writing opportunities in my off time. ( I realize that even getting a day job is hard nowadays).

• Focus on Piano: Get a day job and use that money to pay for weekly lessons. Begin practicing seriously once again instead of 2-3 times a week. Leave other musical projects behind. Continue teaching part-time and plan performances. I wouldn’t have any end goal here except that I feel complete when I study piano seriously.

• Nurse: go back to college and begin studying to become a nurse. Complete change of direction, but one that would train me for meaningful work in a field where jobs are available ( I live in Canada). I would have to prepare myself for long hours and emotionally difficult work. However, I would feel like a useful member of society and would know that I was doing important work. I have a tiny bit of experience in home care for a physically disabled person and I think Caring for Others is something I would be good at. Possibly do another university degree in this once I finish the college one.

• Aim to find work in non-profits. Either hone my skills as an administrative assistant and get in that way, or go back to school to study accounting or something useful that would make them want to hire me. Then I would get to work in an organization with idealistic goals.

So basically, what I want to know is:
Is it a bad idea to move to another city before I figure out my career?
Or, will it be easier to make a career decision once I am living where I want to be?
Second, how do I go about moving to another city? Do I find an apartment first, or a job?

Third, : Should my boyfriend have to do this? Is this asking too much of him? He is 30 now, highly educated but underemployed. He says that if I can help him find a job there, he will move with me. I don't know exactly how i would do that, but I'm sure it's not impossible.

Breaking up with him doesn’t seem like an option right now. He makes me happy and treats me like a queen, and I love him. It seems like it would be better to stick together and support each other while we both figure out our goals. However, I know that my eventual destination is not in this city. So I have to make a decision, the sooner the better.

Will love tear us apart?

Anonymous — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 17:38:50 -0800

I'm experiencing a very tumultuous time in my relationship with my partner of 4 years. I don't know what part of our relationship problems are due to his ADHD, general depression on both our parts or incompatibility. Where can I go from here? What questions can I ask myself and him to get a clearer idea of the origin of our problem? We have a history of being very loving and kind to eachother, but over the last 6 or so months our relationship has changed. Things that were once positive progressions towards marriage have now become burdens on him and he's expressing that he is giving up too much. I love him very much and he says he loves me, but I cannot tell if his lack of doing what he says and his hot and cold attitude towards me is him pulling away or a sign for me to break things off with him because he doesn't want to crush me. He and I are both in therapy now, although not couples therapy. Since he started he seems even more depressed, uncertain and not the person he was even 3 months ago. I haven't been in therapy as long as he, but I already feel more optimistic and know what I need to work on and working towards it daily. We talk about these things and the conclusion is generally unresolved and thrown back to perhaps we are just very damaged creatures. I want to get out of this pattern and support him while taking care of me. He seems to want to be alone to seethe in his sorrow.

Where can I go from here? What questions can I ask myself and him to get a clearer idea of the origin of our problem?

Name this Bath and BodyWorks CD please

TRUELOTUS — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:59:12 -0800

OK, so this was, I think, 7-8 years ago. I believe that is was around Christmas time but that could be totally wrong. I bought a CD at Bath and BodyWorks and it was a deep discount like 60% off? And, the topic was Love. It was awesome, real jazzy and there were some french songs on it too.Do you know what this cd was? Or the playlist? this came up bc there is a famous french jazzy love song and i can';t remember what is was so recommendations on that would be great too.

What is right and what is wrong?

Strangepassenger — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 05:16:56 -0800

Should I try fixing it, or just leave the man alone? For a long time I was going to post a question about weither or not I should stay with my fiance. My life felt like it was falling apart, but I suddenly realized I didn't need to ask the question anymore because I refuse to deny my hearts true doubts and we left eachother.

After 6 years of being faithful to my partner, and 6 months of being scared to death of what was going to happen if I lost him it felt like I was loosing myself. I involved myself with another man only days after we broke it off. This is still quite fresh as it is only maybe 4 weeks now since this happened. But my confidence and self respect have taken a gigantic blow. I don't feel like I can trust myself to make the right decisions, and it is killing me and making it hard for me to keep up with my studies.

The other man confessed to me after only a week that he would require some time to fall in love, and asked me to respect this and give him time. What happened next is indescribable to me, because I told him I was not prepared to wait in the hopes that one day he would "like me back". He cried and asked if we then could be friends, wich I refused. The next morning I realized what a complete idiot I had been and asked for forgiveness and understanding that, considering I havent been single for 6 years, I just really didn't want to be alone. But he never replied. Now it has gone over one week since the insident and I am terrifyed to my core of bumping into him. I am afraid of what I will say, I am afraid of what he will say, i am afraid of what I will feel, and what he will think of me for trying to push him into something serious so early on.

I beg of you not to judge me to hard for diving head first into a new "relationship" so soon, I have been trying so hard to respect my former partner and everything has been so difficult. But if I cant get some thoughts on what I am going to do with this new guy that may or may not like me at all anymore, I will go crazy. Truly I really wish I could take it all back and start over with him with a clear head, but I cant. I feel like I need some time to sort it all out, but I am still afraid of how I am going to deal with this situation when I eventually bump into him! Should I ask for another chance? Should I leave him to his thoughts? He may not even wish to talk to me! Please, help! :(