Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with love

Do partners still sleep in the same bed and why?

zaebiz — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:14:08 -0800

Sleeping together.... no I mean SLEEPING together ... is it still common among partners living together? I always found I got much better sleep alone in my own bed but when partners sleep in separate beds, others seem to think something is wrong with the relationship. What's the common practice/s around the world?

How to deal with someone so direct?

InterestedInKnowing — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:49:05 -0800

How do I deal with someone so verbal about his needs? I would like to know how to deal better with a person who is very verbal with his needs. My boyfriend is so communicative with his needs that he goes a bit beyond, I feel, and reminds me when he is not happy with the intimacy. Like, every month to 3 months he will say something if he feels there have been two weeks of blah effort. Lately it's been every week he has something to say even though most of the week we have a good time, I think, at least the vibe I get from him. He knows I have depression and OCD but granted I don't want to use it as an excuse to not put more effort but I do want to know how to deal with a person who will spell out bluntly what he wants and how he feels. Note: He does have consideration and always asks me what I feel but he will try or suggest what I can do to help. I don't know. It seems like his requests for more love is demanding and not in a rude way but in the way that if the vibe doesn't flow for a week, or if I am not excited to have sex more than twice a week, he feels unloved and then has to say something about it. I am having a hard time dealing with someone who insist on being so verbal consistently. Is there anything I can say to make him relax?

Should I stay or should I go, he says...

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:13:48 -0800

So we fell in love after seven years of friendship but the timing is a bit awkward. I had already decided to move back to my home country… My boyfriend and I have made the relationship "official" a few months ago and we are very much in love and have a great time together. He already has been to my home country on holidays and fell in love with my family, friends, culture, etc.

The trouble is, before we got together, I had already decided to go back home, as I have been away for many years and feel I need to "reconnect" with my culture and be closer to people I care about. He liked the country, found a sense of family he didn't have before. Plus he is currently considering the possibility of moving there with me. Because we already know each other, are more mature (at least we'd like to think that!) and are quite certain of what we want in the long-term, we were considering living together there and etc.

But at the same time he wants to take that step, he reckons the move would be a really big thing to do. He does not speak the language, (but is making impressive progress at learning it) and is scared of relying on me to get started and above all, start from scratch is what scares him.

In terms of professional opportunities though, there is a fair amount of opportunities in the new place, but it would mean that he would need to make an effort to go out, meet people, learn the social etiquette, etc. He is a sociable guy so he shouldn't have that much of an issue with that.

I had a bit of an outburst with him last night because when I asked about what his thoughts are, he said he just wanted to enjoy the time we have together. Which makes me think he may just want to enjoy it here and end it all when I leave, which sounds a bit unreasonable, but I am scared of giving the best of me and getting hurt later.

How can I deal with that uncertainty? I don't want to make plans for a life I am not certain that is going ahead or not. And how can I show him that I will be there for him because I love him? I also don't want to put him under a lot of pressure as I am aware this may push him away. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Are good conversations a necessity for a good relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:06:54 -0800

I was a late bloomer. I was painfully shy and didn't date until I was 24. I'm at a turning point of the longest relationship I've had (almost a year). I don't know if I'm in love or not. Or if that's even the right question. We dated for 6 months. She was the sweetest, most understanding, genuinely wonderful person I've been with. But our conversations never really went very far. We didn't make each other laugh. I think our brains just worked differently.

Another rough spot for us was sex. I had slept with a two people before I met her, and neither were serious relationships. I was irrationally afraid of having sex with someone I really cared about, and so we never got that physically intimate.

We broke up. I started it, but she also felt things weren't quite working. She suggested we could still be friends-with-benefits for awhile. She dated other people, but nothing stuck. We slowly continued our supposedly non-relationship. We started having sex. My feelings for her grew. Over the next 6 months, each time I saw her, she seemed prettier. I missed her when she wasn't around. I was insanely jealous when she dated other people. While our conversations didn't become much more interesting and we didn't magically start making each other laugh... I found myself wondering if those things were really important. I liked just being around her. Did I really need someone who could overthink a plate of beans like I did?

The more I've grown attached to her, the harder it becomes for me to answer that question. I go back and forth wondering if talking and joking is a means to an end (emotional closeness, which seems to be happening) or something that's intrinsically necessary for a long-term relationship, or even just a sign of two people who are right for each other. Am I right to be stuck on this? Or am I just using it as an excuse because I'm afraid of intimacy? Or am I being unrealistic about what relationships are?

She recently suggested only one-quarter-jokingly that we might be able to get back together. It's hard to say that we're not together already. In any case, I know we can't keep on pretending to have it both ways.

I can see answers coming that say "if you can't decide, she deserves someone who can". That may be true, but it doesn't help me. I'm truly torn up about this. So, I look to you guys for advice. Thanks, Mefi.

Help me show my wife just how much I love her.

stuboo — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:40:32 -0800

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and for the next few, she is giving me a gift that I fear I can never repay. I recently began medical school at the age of 32 and, as you might imagine, just getting to this point required several serious sacrifices on her part. I've just finished my first "block" and have a week of vacation before the next block begins. I'm at home all day while she's working and I want to spend my time showing her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her sacrifices, and how I realize that I couldn't do this without her. I'm doing the normal things like making nice dinners, cleaning the house, and tackling honey-do items. But what else can I do? I'm looking to the hive to help me be creative. Of course, it's her money I'd be spending, so spending lots of money isn't an option.

She doesn't have to work this Friday if that helps get your creative juices flowing.

Thanks in advance!

how do i dump the woman i slept with last night?

zingzangzung — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:36:21 -0800

how do i dump the woman i slept with last night? I met a woman, she seemed quite nice, and after three dates, we slept together. I didn't enjoy it. A combination of physical and behavioural factors really put me off her, and I'd rather not see her again. How do I tell her this without being a total bastard.
We are both in our forties, met online, have a lot in common, laughed a lot, and discussed the problems of relationships and sex a bit before taking the plunge. This wasn't about love we agreed, just two people who were kind of attracted, seeing if we could get along.
But after last night, I know I can't do this. I think I should tell her asap, so she and I can move on, but how can I do this without making her feel bad. Other than 'sex with you made me feel icky' what can I say?
She fell asleep immediately after the act last night and we didn't have time for any talk this morning before she left, but I think she knew I was a bit uncomfortable.

Can I win her back? Should I try?

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:44:54 -0800

Can I win her back? Should I try? I'm a 26 year-old man. A few months ago, I met a really great woman and we dated for the next 3-4 months. Our relationship was extremely open and honest, we talked about feelings and ambitions regularly, threw around vacation ideas, and really seemed to be settling in for a good run. About a month into the relationship, she warned me that her ex-boyfriend of about 4 years was coming into town for a little while, and would be staying with her, but assured me she wasn't pining for him and was very happy in our relationship. I took her at her word, and everything proceeded as it had been.

When he did show up, I could tell there was some tension, and when we were introduced at a party, I overheard that he had been living in the same house that she was (and was now staying with her), and had moved out a little over a year before. I also realized that her previous relationship had ended about the time that she took a long trip with this ex, though how exactly the two were related I never got the full details on. She has told me since that she feels like she 'sabotaged that relationship' because she hadn't dealt with her feelings toward this ex.

We started having small arguments after her ex came into town, though nothing major. Things really started to go sour when she asked me to go camping with her and her friends, and said he would be coming too. I didn't see any harm in going along, and actually thought it would be a good way to get to know her ex a little better and smooth out some of the tension.

Later that week, she told me that her ex was 'afraid of me' and didn't want to be around me. The same evening, she also told me that the camping trip changed to going to a beach house, and that there wasn't room for me to go anymore. She told me the reason was because there was limited space, and her friend had organized it. I asked if it was 'just the girls going' and she said yes, though I had suspicions the ex was going along as well. (I found out after we broke up that he had gone along, and that the reason I was disinvited is that he had said he wouldn't go if I was going, and was very good friends with the girl that had organized it for her birthday.)

After the trip was over, she said that her ex had decided not to stay in her house any more, and had gone to the beach house where they had been staying to stay with a mutual friend. I was relieved that he was gone, but my frustrations returned shortly when the following weekend she went back up to the house to stay with him and a few of her friends.

The following weekend, she and I had planned a camping trip with just the two of us. We argued a little when organizing it, but when we finally got out there, we were having a fantastic time. But the last night, she revealed to me that her ex still had feelings for her, and she still had feelings for him. She proposed the idea of an open relationship, and I refused, and after some discussion, told her I thought we should 'take a break'. She was very upset and wanted to convince me otherwise, but wouldn't budge on wanting to be intimate with her ex. We stayed out the rest of the trip, but once I dropped her off, I didn't speak to her for most of the following week.

When we finally did she told me her ex had left for good, but that she felt like she needed to be single. We decided to try being friends, though the one time we hung out, we ended up sleeping together. I didn't see her for another week after that, and then she ended up at the same party I was going to. We hung out there a lot, and at the end of it, fueled by overconsumption, I made a move on her and she turned me down. When I pushed her as to why, she said that the ex was on his way back and they were going to make a go of it. I was devastated, and we had a terrible argument. She told me she wanted to talk the next day after we cooled off. We had lunch the next day and smoothed things over, and she said that while she still had very strong feelings for me, she was very in love with this man and felt like it was very serious. But tension got the better of us, and we slept together again as kind of a 'last hurrah', and she asked me to be friends with her. I told her I didn't know if I could handle it, and we parted ways.

She attempted to contact me once about two weeks later, but the conversation devolved into an argument, and I said things I later regretted. As time went on, I got increasingly depressed about the situation, as I'd really had high hopes, but I tried to carry on, and even dated a little. Feeling guilty about the way I left things, I contacted her, just to say I hadn't wanted to leave things coldly or callously, and that I still cared for her. We exchanged a few emails, and she told me she was lonely. I asked why, and she didn't respond. The other night she tried to contact me again, and we exchanged some texts that she interpreted as curt, and started getting angry. I called her and asked what was going on and she revealed her ex had left, and she was distraught over it. We talked for quite a while.

I told her I would be open to rekindling our relationship, but she said that she doesn't see any way that's possible, as she's still hung up on this other man. We agreed to keep in touch, and she says she wants to be friends, but I really care for her, and I still want it to be more than that. At this point I've stopped being angry, and I feel kind of sorry for her because it seems to me like her jealous ex kind of manipulated her feelings after he saw her with me, and basically sabotaged the relationship. I know she bears some responsibility, but given that kind of history, I can see how that might happen. Despite that she says she doesn't see a relationship between us working, I also know she still has feelings for me, and this was the first conversation we'd had in a while without arguing due to the frustrations of the ordeal, so it seems like her hesitation could wane.

Is there any hope here? Could I win her over? How might I do that? Should I even want to?

Should I stay or should I go?

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 10:19:56 -0800

Two people like each other, but never at the same time. Is it worth waiting for her? I'm from South Asia, as is the girl I'm interested in.

We first met in 2004. After that, we IM'ed and talked on the phone quite a bit. She was really into me, but I was dealing with major depression at the time and didn't feel like I would be a good husband to her.

In 2006, she got engaged to another guy, and they got married in July 2007. Her ex-husband was abusive and a cheater, and they separated in August 2007. I had a fiancee at that time too, but that relationship broke up in February of 2008.

After my breakup, I called this girl and we picked up right where we left off. We'd talk on the phone for hours. I broached marriage to her (we're both Muslims and can't culturally date). She says she's not ready to be married again (understandable), but that when she is ready, I'm her first choice.

So, my question is: Should I wait?

I'm going to be 30 this year and feel like time is slipping away. She's only 25, so she has a while. I really like this girl. We're compatible. We have great conversation. My mom loves her. I just don't want to end up sitting around for 10 years waiting for her to get ready. It's a real dilemma.

I'm confused

hadjiboy — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 07:12:43 -0800

Is it possible for friends to develop a relationship that's more than friendship even if one of them is happy with the way things are right now? She: Knows how I feel, is flattered, and would still like to be friends but isn't quite ready for a relationship yet.

Me: Have been secretly in love with her for the past 2 years, and would definitely like to take the relationship forward.

Only problem is, I don't want to jeopardize the friendship that we have... how do I go about doing this? Is it possible to still be friends with her and let her know that I still desire her in this way. Will she be put off by this (she told me that she doesn't like me talking about falling in love with her--but she doesn't mind me expressing my feelings for her in this way: I usually make sure that she knows how much I care for her and how concerned I am that nothing happens to off-shoot the bond that we've shared). I really do care for her, and I would like nothing more than to show her how much, but I don't want to risk losing her.

Is there any chance that I could win her over yet?

i feel like a teenager :\

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:37:48 -0800

If I know I wont be happy with him in the long term, why is it so hard to break up with him now? 28 year old female, been with my boyfriend for just over two years. he's cute, smart, creative and funny. i love the good times with him - cuddling and watching movies and being silly. i guess you could say on a small scale, he's great. on a larger scale, we totally dont match up in several areas i understand to be "key" to a lasting relationship, mostly surrounding the ideas of stability, support and growth.

having a certain (not insane) level of stability is really, really important to me. i had a strange childhood and have problems now with anxiety. he's comfortable wherever and doesnt understand why i "worry" all the time. money is not important to him at all - he's a musician and an artist and works menial jobs. support is important to me in that i want a relationship with someone who feels like my (sexy) tag-team partner. i will always have their back and i want to feel like they've got mine too. there have been at least 3 cases in our relationship where ive felt like i got no support from him when i desperately needed it. when i was upset that i wasnt getting the support, he didnt understand at all. in terms of growth, love love LOVE my super awesome job and work very hard at it. im very involved socially and professionally and see it going somewhere. i want to maybe start putting money away for important things soon and get a better place to live. i dont have his support in this, financially or emotionally. we never talk about my job, except that he thinks that i work too much. its just not important to him and he doesnt understand having a job that you love.

on all these cases, i dont want to force him to do anything, much less fake caring about something. im not his mom, and im not a demanding bitchy girlfriend. i feel like supporting me and understanding what i need should come from the heart, not me directing him how, when and why to do something.

so, it comes to us talking about breaking up. he is unhappy because im too dedicated to my job (that's not going to change), we dont have sex enough (i think we do...) and he just feels me being distant. i have gotten distant. i've told him that i just dont think we have a future together. it all makes sense that we should break up, because as i feel in my head but cant express to him, every day that i'm with him means im not meeting the guy who will fulfill all these desires.

so why is this so hard? its breaking my heart to think of not being with him cuddling at night or just hanging out. i feel like i cant get any hold on my emotions or express myself logically to him, and its not only making this harder for me, its making it way harder for him.

Does fear of intimacy require therapy?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:45:08 -0800

Is it possible to overcome a fear of intimacy without therapy? My best friend and I recently slept together. We've been friends for 10 years and he has always had feelings for me, but I never felt them in return until now. He's been there for me through everything and we have an amazingly open relationship.

I've dealt with my own intimacy issues for years and I feel I am finally in a place where I can have a healthy loving relationship. I've always felt that he would be the right guy for me, but I've now learned that he has an intense fear of intimacy. He is freaking out at the prospect of us being together right now. It's as if a switch was flipped and our roles have reversed.

He still loves me, but is incapable of having a relationship, it seems with anyone. We are both in our late 20's and I don't want to get to the point in our lives where it is too late. I'm more experienced than he is, he's really only dated a few girls. My question is, do you think it is possible for someone to overcome these types of fears without therapy and simply through personal experience? Do you think him dating other people and learning how to deal with his issue with them, not me, will help ready him for me?

Love handles be gone

chickaboo — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:50:35 -0800

Help me get rid of my love handles My weight is fine. I'm at or even below my goal weight. But I have a definite roll around the middle. It's just where my body stores fat. And when I lose weight it comes off my butt where I would rather have it.
Anyway! Need ideas for exercises to help target this. Especially the back side of my waist.

Would also be willing to make some diet changes but like I said, I don't want to lose more weight unless it's gonna come off the right places.

What to do when you have left someone shortly before an anniversary and birthday....?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:45:55 -0800

Two weeks after my girlfriend treated me to the most thoughtfully-indulgent birthday weekend imaginable, I broke up with her. Just a week has passed since we went our separate ways, but that means two weeks until what would have been our three-year anniversary and three weeks until her birthday, upon which I would otherwise be reciprocating her generosity. Is there anything I can do or say or give to mark the occasion appropriately? We were together almost three years, but in my heart there were obstacles preventing me from seeing her as the person with whom I might spend the rest of my life. As she is twelve years my senior at nearly 42, one of my worries was that the longer I stayed with her, the more I was forcing her to sacrifice aspects of life such as having children that I suspect, deep down, she would like to explore. I refused to co-habit with her and latterly found myself treating her with less than the respect she deserves, while hating myself for doing so.

She spoiled me rotten on my birthday, not just in terms of extravagant generosity but also in terms of lovingly-planned, meaningful gestures. To some degree I think this may have been a catalyst in my decision to end it with her. It was clear to me then that I owed it to her to set her free to find someone who will care for her and commit to her as deeply as she did to me. She railed against me for making an executive decision, but this was my choice. A choice made partly from selfishness and partly from love and a desire to see her have and be everything she wants.

Ending it with her and seeing her in pain was the most gruesome experience of my life. The past seven days have been the longest, most agonising and empty I can remember. I worry about how she is coping, how she is doing at work, whether she is being looked after and whether, like me, she is mentally looking ahead towards our anniversary that was not to be. Staying away from her, and not making contact, has been excruciatingly hard, though I am just about achieving that.

My previous long term relationship ended with me being the dumpee after eight and a half years. That was painful but in retrospect nowhere near as hard to bear as this breakup, of which I am the architect. I guess the mixture of love, loss, guilt and anxiety that I am feeling now is less palatable than the fragrance of fresh possibilities I could sense last time round. It's admittedly only been a week but I haven't been able to think of moving on or being with anyone else, even though two women have thrown themselves at me in the meantime.

Time and space will heal us, I am sure. But in the meantime, how do I address her impending birthday? I would feel it uncaring if a good friend or long term partner failed to acknowledge my birthday at all. And as I sit here amidst the many wonderful gifts she lavished on me so recently, it would seem preposterous not to offer something in return.

Is a simple card the best way to deal with this? A heartfelt letter? Do I approach offering my company, or continue to keep my distance, as she does from me? Do I avoid things I know she would like, because they are things that would be associated with "us"? Do I avoid offering my company and my presence? Will a useful, practical or fun gift entirely lose its charm because of the context in which it is received?

I don't want to intervene in a way that will cause her anguish. And I worry about offering her something that could be interpreted as symbolic, or that will later be looked upon as an icon of pain rather than beauty.

WTF does "Space" Mean?

chara — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 19:52:18 -0800

Relationship Filter: My boyfriend needs "space". Now what? I'm in my early twenties, my boyfriend is in his late twenties. He is my first boyfriend, but he has much more dating experience and was married for a few years, then divorced.

We've been dating for four months. Almost a month ago, I moved about 2 hours away from him for my new job. He's still in the town where we met, finishing his degree. We see each other almost every weekend.

Our relationship, so far, has been amazing. We care for each other deeply and support each other. We've been casually discussing long term plans. On Monday, he sent me a text saying that I was a good fit for him and that he wanted me to stay in his life.

On Friday, I get a whole slew of back-dated texts from him in a row; apparently, I hadn't been receiving texts from anyone since Wednesday. I text him quickly to tell him what happens. No response.

Friday night, I call and email him. No response.

Sunday, I found out he broke up with me, via facebook. I send him a 'WTF' text, he calls me.

Basically, he says that he needs "space". He wants to be sure that I'm The One and not just The One by Default. I personally think we have enough space: we only see each other on the weekends, we're separated by 200+ miles, we only talk about 1/2 hour a day.

He said that he's realized that I'm "too busy" for him (I have a full time job, and two part-time jobs, but I pick my schedule for my part-time jobs and I've significantly reduced my weekend hours to make time for him). I guess he thought that I was too busy to return his texts. I explained what happened, but the issue seemed to be deeper than that.

I understand that he's afraid of making the same mistake that he did with his ex-wife (namely, marrying her in the first place), but I just don't know what to do. Do I just sit and wait for him? Do I date other people? (I really don't want to. The reason he's my first boyfriend is because I'm very jaded about relationships; before I met him, I had tried and failed so many times that I'd given up, but he won my heart.)

He says that he wants to see other people to make sure that I'm the one. I think that's bullshit. We've been crazy about each other since we first met. We've worked through each of our issues and have come out stronger.

I want to give him his space because I want him to be sure about our relationship, but I also want to let him know that I'm willing to fight for him, without being a creepy, clingy ex.

So...how do I let my boyfriend know that I support his decision to take a break while letting him know that I'm the girl for him?

(Self-disclosure: I had a good cry, a good talk, and a good bottle of wine with a friend after all this happened today. I'm still feeling the effects of the wine, so I apologize for any semantic chaos or grammatical disarray.)

NotOKCupid

spamguy — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:06:50 -0800

Does dating through craigslist actually work? I hate to say it, but OKCupid has failed me, a 24 year-old SWM of Texas. I had three very brief relationships, all called off on the girl's part, one absolutely heartbreaking for me. (Match made in heaven, except, wait, I was her rebound. She's since run back to her old trashy BF.) Since the last breakup, message response rates and girl quality on OKC have tanked.

I would like to give craigslist a try, but I have a morbid fear that every single girl I see is a spambot. (Epic ad line: 'I am a TRAIT1, self-driven, TRAIT2 girl.' No joke.) Is there any way to pick out who's real and who's fake?

Girls: how many legit, non-trashy messages from a craigslist personal did you receive?
Guys: is there any hope posting on MseekingW? The most disheartening part of OKC was the knowledge that all the guys were basically e-fistfighting to get a word in edgewise to a girl. It reminds me of the Hare Krishna scene from Airplane!.

Summary question: is there a snow cone's chance in hell using craigslist as a dating service? What's the best strategy: posting to MseekingW or hoping I don't meet a spambot on WseekingM?

What books would you recommend for a David Schickler fan?

cowbellemoo — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:44:15 -0800

I'm looking for book recommendations along the lines of David Schickler's literary fiction. Fresh, tender, sweet, sexy, steamy, intimate, unabashedly earnest, contemporary literary romance. What has all that and more? I love Schickler's novels/stories for their tenderness, sincerity, and intimate approach to romantic love in the midst of a jaded/postmodern/disaffected world. But I don't really keep up with contemporary fiction, so I don't know where to look for likewise books. (Here's where you come in!)

Contemporary fiction only, please. Newer the better!

Can you recommend some Good Books for my dad?

Metroid Baby — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:02:56 -0800

My dad recently read The Shack and really liked it. Can you recommend other books with a spiritual leaning (not necessarily Christian) that he might also like? A bit of background: Metroid Dad lost both his father and his younger brother earlier in the year, and for the past several months he's been fighting an uphill battle with cancer. We're not sure how much time he's got left, but he's been in remarkably good spirits.

As might be expected in this situation, Dad's been waxing a bit ontological lately. Give him a free ear and he'll talk to you about his thoughts on God and the afterlife, on relationships and love and how we'll all meet again. He prefaces a lot of this with "I'm not sure how, but I believe…" or "Now, I don't go to church that much…" or "I know this might sound kinda flaky, but…" In other words, he's not dogmatic or judgmental, but appears to be approaching these questions with gentleness and an open mind. He was raised Protestant, but believes that all religions are really working towards the same thing and concedes that religion doesn't have to be a central part of anyone's life.

He read The Shack a month or two ago and, though he thought parts were kind of lame, on the whole it really spoke to him. Really, a whole lot. (I read it at his urging, and my reaction was more "hmm, okay.")

Given all of the above, I'd really like to find more reading material in a similar vein – stuff that might also speak to him, comfort him, or get him thinking. Fiction, nonfiction, religious texts, any or all of the above. Doesn't have to be Christian, doesn't necessarily have to have religion or God or spirituality as the main focus. I'd like stuff that’s intelligent but accessible (and readable while in the hospital and woozy), so nothing too dry or too schlocky. And I'd like to avoid proselytizing, Kool-Aid, and scary REPENT SINNERS!!!1! type stuff.

He loved the history books I got him for Christmas at your recommendations, and I'm hoping you guys will have some good ideas yet again.

(I doubt it'll be an issue, but just in case: please, no hurf durf Shack reader or hurf durf God believer here. Dad's not reading this thread, and I'm not going to engage him in any metaphysical arguments, so there's not really any point in it. He'd respect your beliefs, so please respect his.)

Thank you in advance, as always.

Here we go again, I love my best friend!

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:32:21 -0800

I'm in love with my best friend and she loves me too, but doesn't want to sleep with me. Has this any hope of working? About 4 years I met a girl through work who we'll call Miss X, I was in a long term relationship at the time and she was in and out of a thing with a guy which didn't last much longer than after I met her. We clicked from day 1 and we soon became close friends. Within a few months I began realising that I didn't actually love (and never had) the girl I was with and after a few months more left her. Miss X never once told me to leave the gf but it was largely through talking with her that I realised I wasn't in the right place and getting out was exactly the right thing to do.

Trouble is, I felt the right place was with Miss X. We have very different sexual backgrounds, I'm on the inexperienced side and she's done a lot of things with a lot of guys. I spent a long time after my breakup, trying to pretend that I was more experienced than I was (to "impress" her), something she saw through straight away and which seriously pissed her off. About a year ago I told her I loved her, to which she just told me I was overwhelmed by her and that nothing was ever going to happen like that, she just didn't feel that way about me.

Throughout this time however our friendship carried on growing (about 6 months after I left my gf Miss X moved to another country with work) and we spend hours on the phone every night and I saw this (because I wanted to) as a sign that eventually we would get together, couldn't see any other way of it working out. Every so often the "issue" of me wanting to sleep with her would come up and usually the conversation would end very badly and we wouldn't talk for a few days, both saying we needed space if the friendship had any chance of working (which is something we both want), but after a few days or a week or so the radio silence would end and we would be back to chatting away again as if nothing had happened.

I've known for a few months that eventually other people would come into the equation on both sides, but she's always said that it wouldn't change the way she feels about me (she now says she loves me too). Basically, her family background is pretty horrific, which has always stopped her getting close to people, until I came along, and she believes that you can't truly be friends with the person you're sleeping with, ie the idea of "the one" doesn't exist. I don't agree with her, despite my lack of experience here, and for me, undoubtedly she feels like "the one", beautiful, sexy and my best friend. I think a part of her not wanting to sleep with me is that she doesn't want it to change and ultimately kill our friendship.

Within the last week or so, we've both had meaningless (but fun) casual sex (not with each other). I told her about mine last week and she was delighted as she feels it's exactly what I need to get me out of my shell and back on the market so to speak. Hers happened over the weekend and she told me about it tonight. The guy is "a bit annoying", but they were partying in a party town, and hey, a girl has needs right? She made it clear to him that she's not into a long-term thing (she's moving countries again in 6 weeks) but they both live in the same town and she will no doubt see him again for more of the same before she leaves.

Recently I've been a lot more relaxed around her and by and large have stopped trying to impress her as I've realised that the real me impresses her, not the macho sleep-around guy I wanted to come over as, and as a result we've grown even closer. I've known her sleeping with somebody else has been on the cards for a while (she's a very attractive girl who enjoys sex, it was bound to happen) but naturally it's hit me hard. She says she needs the physical contact, as do I (I'm seeing the girl from last week again tomorrow, and it's certainly good for my confidence, it's been a while). However, we both need our friendship (more than casual sex) and have tried to walk away from it on several occasions, each time always coming back to each other. She's never led me on, or directly made me believe that a sexual relationship was on the cards (believing that possiblilty has always been pretty much all my doing) so I don't feel manipulated in any way.

So, the question is, what do I do? The relationship we have, which will last if I can adapt to it, is (and has been for a couple of years) the most important thing in both our lives. I can't expect her to not see other people just because she doesn't want to sleep with me. I know the "run away" answer is what you want to tell me and I've answered similar questions on here with exactly that answer, but it simply doesn't seem like a valid option (I know, I know, it never does right?). I'm moving to a different continent for a few months in 2 months time, which will give me much needed space, but am I going to be able to move on whilst keeping the friendship going? Should I want to? She truly is the most amazing (and drop-dead gorgeous) person I have ever met and I know she needs me as much as I need her, but am I kidding myself that this can work? I'm probably not going to like the answers, but some new perspective on this would help.

breaking up is hard to do

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:51:30 -0800

How do you break up with someone you love, for purely selfish reasons? My boyfriend and I (late-20s, fwiw) have been together for four years, living together for two. We have a mostly good relationship and love each other very much, but staying with him has meant that I have had to to sacrifice a lot of things I wanted in life. I knew this going into the relationship and I thought I would be okay with it, but I have realized over the past few months that I'm not okay with it anymore and I feel like I'm being held back from the kind of life I want to lead.

I can barely imagine life without him, but I think life with him is going to end with lots of regret and resentment on my side and that's not good for anyone, so I think it's time for us to move on, but... how?

Just thinking about it makes it difficult for me to breathe. We nearly broke up a couple years ago after some near-infidelity on his part, but I quickly took him back because I couldn't stand seeing him (or me, for that matter) in such pain... I can't imagine I'll be able to be any stronger when I don't even have any justifiable reasons for wanting to end the relationship, and now that we live together it seems impossibly harder.

How do I break up with him without hurting him (more than necessary, at least), taking him back, or going crazy myself?

Should i give him one more chance?

Waterbear — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:00:22 -0800

To get back together or not to get back together....that is the question....(of course it's a lot messier than that.........) Was with my bf for 4 years (i'm 31 now and he is 32). Most of that time, besides maybe the first 6-months of honeymoon period, were not good. We fought all the time, mostly about the fact that he was completely and utterly emotionally unavailable. He would go days without calling or talking to me, then be angry and distant when i got upset about it, and/or call me 'needy' (which i know now i most definetely am not). He rarely showed me any type of love (asides from sex, which was always fantastic), and never wanted to talk about anything. In fact, whenever I tried to bring up the fact that I was really miserable and we needed to do something about it he would get angry and a fight would start. After much convincing, he came to a couples therapist with me and sat like a stone through the 3 sessions we went to. After a while I got sick of trying to convince him to go and we stopped. The therapist told me that basically i would be miserable with him b/c he was not willing to change, and had a lot of work to do and a lot to face up to, and to leave him.

We spent 4 years together (including 1 year living together in Japan during which time we were VERY isolated from family, friends, etc), and although we were close for a time, i never felt emotionally intimate with him, I always felt that if i left him he wouldn't care at all. We broke up briefly in 2006, but he begged me back, saying he had changed, and I gave him a 2nd chance only to have him act even worse. Finally i ended things with him last May (2007). He was devastated (but he acted that way everytime I attempted to end things with him).

I met someone else really quickly because, to me, the relationship had already been over for a long time and i'd been waiting for the right time to end it, where i felt strong enough that i could resist his repeated attempts to get me back.

The new guy is one of the nicest, best guys i've ever met, we have fun together, good sex, laugh and laugh, AND I feel so close to him.

THe problem is that lately i started talking to my ex again (he got a job at teh large company where i work after we broke up...i run into him now and then). He says he's been in counselling for the past year to work on all of his issues, and I even went to the therapist that he's been seeing with him, I know for sure he's been going and he seems to have made a lot of progress. I have such a strong attraction to him, and all of our history together...i find myself wondering if I should give him a (third) chance since he really seems like he's changed this time. He says he loves me and i'm the one for him and he will never hurt me again and all the rest. And i'm actually considering it. I've told my current bf that i'm having feelings for my ex, but he doesn't know to what extent i've been considering getting back with him. Now I feel like a total horrible witch for what i'm doing to my current bf. and I feel so torn and confused about whether to get back with the ex, has he *really* changed, etc. I know people say "follow your heart" but my heart doesn't seem to know what the eff it wants!

Has anyone ever been in a similiar situation? Do you think people can really, truly change? I'm so torn right now, not eating or sleeping, any advice would really help.....

Thanks.....

Is it possible to really fall in love after knowing someone for only 5 days?

chrisinseoul — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:47:09 -0800

Is it possible to really fall in love after knowing someone for only 5 days? Cute, slightly sappy, and true story to follow. I'll start with the basics - me: 26, male, American teaching English in Seoul, South Korea, been in Korea for 5 months. She (I'll call her J): 22, female, American teaching English in Seoul (perhaps 10-15 minutes away by bus), been in Korea for under a month.

So a little over a week ago, I put a craigslist ad on the Seoul site seeking a NON-Korean lady. Nothing personal, nothing racist, but just not my cup of tea. J responded with a wonderful, long e-mail about herself and her life. After the obligatory e-mails to ensure the other wasn't a serial killer or a creep, we met, walked around, sat by the local river (the Han, for those of you familiar with Seoul), and before long I held her close. She's naturally shy / reserved, but over dates #2 and #3, she began to open up. I saw a side of her - a weird, slightly dorky side that I have so much in common with - that almost instantly took her from a 'possibility' to 'OMG I'm falling in love'. Date #4 (making dinner and hanging out at my apartment) confirmed things. I feel it important to note that I can read her like a book - and after sharing quite a bit, I feel more comfortable with her than anyone else I've ever dated (which is about two handfuls with a couple of fingers left over, for the record).

From the first meet / date #1 to today, it has been exactly 5 days - and I'm falling in love. We haven't gotten to the 'I love you' stage, but the 'I really really like you's' have been said. We're both on the shy side of the spectrum, so opening up has taken some effort for both of us. We've both been in relationships, had our heart broken (in amazingly similar ways), and moved on. We have all the usual stuff in common (age, relationship past, interests, life stories, personalities)...

The big question: is it too soon? We've got time, and we're not going anywhere. I'll be seeing her around and spending time with her - hopefully for a long time to come. We're also in no hurry... but damn it feels good to be around someone that understands me in a deep way. Here in Seoul, the foreigners are scattered far and wide - we're 50,000 out of 10,000,000 - and it's so nice to be with someone that gets me.

I'm in love with my roommate

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 08:02:25 -0800

Study abroad roommate-love 101! Help me detach! Right now we are living alone together, but with separate rooms. There are more roommates, but they are on vacation. Two weeks ago when I moved in we became fast friends. We spend hours and hours talking together, cooking, gardening, and sharing drinks. I told myself that it would be bad to fall for him, given that he doesn't speak my language natively and well...because my mother always warned me about men who look like models. Last night we were hanging out together, but later he went to a bar that requires a membership (long story, but it's like an American frat) and this morning I found new women's shoes by the doorway.

Wow, I just became totally distraught when I saw them and realized how far I've fallen for this guy. I'm in a strange country where I don't know too many people and before I left my boyfriend and I broke up... so I'm pretty vulnerable. I guess this guy never made it seem like we were more than friends and he is great, so I want to stay friends. But right now I'm miserable and I literally feel sick. How can I stay sane with this sort of thing?

Yummy Birdy Puke

veryhappyheidi — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:17:18 -0800

Birdy love: regurgitation question inside (yummy!) I have an over-affectionate peach face love bird who is about 8 years old. He's always been a happy bird who loves his toys, but for the past three years or so he's really been loving his toys. (We're talking massive amounts of birdy masturbation and regurgitation here.) It wasn't a big deal-- when a toy got too nasty, I would just replace it and his affection would go to the new toy.

Here's the problem: he's now in love with the bottom of his cage. The sexual behavior's stopped, but the regurgitation has gotten a lot worse. (A pile three inches wide by two inches high in a day.) He easily eats his weight in food everyday only to puke it back up. (If I give him small amounts of food, he still pukes and I worry that he's not keeping any food in him.) He drinks MASSIVE amounts of water which makes the regurgitation extremely watery (and a pain to change the cage!!!) I've tried changing his surroundings, which has worked in the past, but nothing... I know you're not my vet, but the vet just says that regurgitation is normal. I guess I'm just looking for tips on how to make this more manageable?

Mysterious new relationship sadness and uncertainty

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:26:12 -0800

I'm having trouble understanding and dealing with a sudden wave of sadness which came over me while leaving a new romantic partner's house. (Overly long relationshipfilter details follow.) I have been seeing X (who is a woman, I'm a man, we're in our early 30s) on and off for a month and a half or so, and overall things have been going well. We've spent a lot of time with each other, and have talked in great detail about our lives and past relationships, and had lots of good sex. But a few days ago when I was leaving her house I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and ever since then I've been feeling really depressed and obsessing about our relationship. I need help understanding where the feeling comes from and getting some perspective on the relationship.

I've heard of people getting sad after sex, but it's never really happened to me before. The thing that is most puzzling to me is that I can't tell what the cause of the sadness is. I definitely feel that it's about X, but I can't tell what the actual cause of it is. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of her before we've actually broken up. Directly before that we'd been talking about her past sexual experiences and my previous long-term relationship.

As a little background, we've been seeing each other a lot but we haven't really had the talk about whether we're dating other people and if we want to be monogamous. I feel like we're going to need to have the talk pretty soon for my own comfort, but I've been a little put off because I'm having a hard time reading her and what her romantic feelings towards me are. I've occasionally felt that when I've made overtures to her that hinted at deeper feelings, she didn't quite reciprocate. She does seem to enjoy hanging out with me, but in moments of doubt I wonder if it's a sexual thing. And I always seem to be the one who initiates contact with her.

X is extremely independent, and that's something that really attracts me to her and also something I value highly in myself. It really bothers me that my own emotional state suddenly seems to be so affected by her in such a negative way - it makes me feel vulnerable and needy. My last relationship was kind of unhealthy that way and I hoped I had outgrown that.

So here are the things I need help with:

1. How can I get a gauge on her feelings towards me without seeming clingy or desperate? In particular, I'm worried that if I bring up the whole monogamy / relationship talk at this point, I'll be rushing things.

2. How can I disengage a little and not be so worried about (1)? I need some practical techniques to obsess over her and the whole situation less, or at least to become more at ease with things being sort of up in the air right now.

3. The sadness I was talking about is still with me several days later and I'm having trouble understanding what its source is and getting over it. Right now I can't really talk to my good friends who I'd ordinarily consult about this (logistical reasons) and I would appreciate any advice about it.

(Private advice is also welcome at omne.animal.triste.est at gmail.)

Logistics?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:27:43 -0800

SexEd-filter: Need some physical advice to help out a great relationship otherwise... My new girlfriend and I are hitting it off on many levels - intellectual, emotional, "same point in life", etc... We're also ( as far as I know and from what she tells me....) doing ok on the sexual aspect thus far. Here's where it gets a little weird in terms of mechanics:

She's quite a bit heavier than I am physically, and I'm not as well endowed ( 5.5" long if it matters ). Right now we're still in the missionary and related positions, and I love cunnilingus so that's always on board. Previous experience leaves me wondering though.

My question is: What other positions and techniques or maneuvers are there that will allow me to spice up our sex life should this relationship continue on into the long term?

As an example: doggy-style does not work for both of us. The stimulation is there for me, but unfortunately not for her. ( Yes, I could finish and then finish her, but that gets sort of old. Per my ex-gf ).

I know I might be putting the cart before the horse here, but still - I'm crazy about this woman. I've tried finding porn to help out, but truth be told, it all seems exploitative regarding the women and never seems to focus on satisfying them. ( even with the more endowed males ).

Help!