Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with lonliness

Isolation Fatigue

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:54:27 -0800

What happened to my ability to trust in and connect with people? How do I regain it? These anonymous questions regarding social malfunction tend to be oversized. I will be as brief as is possible, but here's what's going on:

A couple of years ago, there was a Great Disaster in my personal life. The person I thought to be the love of my life and the person I thought to be my best friend ran off together. Most of the time, I consider myself to be "over" that experience, good riddance to them both. But lately, I've come to suspect there may yet be some residue from this event still clogging up my processes.

A catastrophic depression marked the months that followed the Disaster, which I overcame through a course of therapy, exercise, medication and a rededication to that which had interested and moved me in times past. I endeavored to break my isolation by reestablishing contact with old friends and getting out of the house to meet new people whenever possible. I even resumed dating and have engaged in relationships both casual and serious.

However, there seems to be a remaining difficulty. The "inner sanctum" of my person is still largely unavailable, inaccessible. I have made a wealth of new acquaintances, but no new deep and lasting connections with anyone, including even those I've been intimate with. As for my old friends, it has been a joy to be in contact with them again, but aside from a couple who have demonstrated saintly patience, I've not shared my inner world with any of them nor heard tell of their own. I dread becoming a burden to anyone, both those who I've connected with in a genuine way in the past, and those I potentially could today. At some point, it seems as if I've just slipped into reruns - yes, you're lonely and anxious, what else is new? I cherish these people and I don't want to be a bother to them, I don't want to do anything that would risk our relationships. Adding to the difficulty is that all of my old friends are scattered throughout the country and many of them have quite different lives than they did when last we were in each other's company regularly.

In a former life, I was a rather open person. I made friends easily, had many visitors and went visiting often. I've lost this instinct so gradually and so completely that I scarcely recognize who I used to be. Today, I meet many interesting people that I suspect would be fun to spend time with, but I feel as though I've no way to suggest or initiate such a thing without being an obnoxious bother. Many of my local acquaintances have friendship potential, I feel, but I'm at a loss as to how I might cultivate these connections - once, it was easy and natural, today it seems impossible. I feel like opening up to them or trying to get them to open up to me would drive them off. Much is heavy on my heart these days, and people have a natural preference to spending time with cheerful people, I think. And again, I'm so grateful for the connections we do have that I am loathe to gamble with them. Also hobbling efforts to spend more time with the people I'm just getting to know are severe handicaps in terms of transportation, disposable income and scheduling - I work nights, typically six of them a week.

Have you ever been in such a predicament, or known someone who was? What did you try in order to break free? Did any of it work? I suspect another round of therapy will be a component in my eventual (one hopes) success in this area, but this is not possible for another month or so. In the meantime, there are an awful lot of crushingly quiet and lonely days and nights ahead. I would like to address this as soon as possible, need help to do it and am afraid to ask for that help.

So I put it to you anonymously, AskMe - How do I relearn the art of making and keeping friends? halfc0ckedj4ckshaftoe@gmail.com is the throwaway e-mail for questions, clarifications, replies you'd prefer to keep private and any other matters.

Thank you.

How do I not screw up the rest of my life?

matryoshka — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 04:54:32 -0800

How do I not screw up the rest of my life? I've just turned 24 and my life is a mess. OK, so this is going to be long...

To start at the beginning - I was raised in a very religious (almost cult-like) environment until the age of about 13. Then, due to my dad's alcoholism/affairs he was kicked out of the religion and my parents eventually divorced. I am now not religious at all, but my parents are still involved with that religion. Around age 14/15 I started having very bad anxiety attacks and ended up in hospital several times. I was put on anti-depressants just before I turned 16 which were supposedly non-addictive but had such bad side-effects that I didn't manage to stop taking them until last year, and that was after many months of self-weaning. I have never had therapy and it was never offered apart from a short period of family counselling around the time my parents split (it didn't help). I dropped out of school at 16 with hardly any qualifications and did mostly waitressing on and off until I was 19. By this time, my friends were going off to university and I was left behind, but I don't recall it bothering me too much at that point.

I had a particularly horrible period between age 20-21 - I was (physically) ill, had surgery, slipped into very deep depression and became pretty much a shut-in. I hardly left my house in those two years and made little attempt to stay in touch with anyone. I did write quite a lot though and had several close online friends, but they eventually got understandably exasperated that I constantly refused any real-world contact and I quit writing because I felt I would never be anything close to good at it. But it's still the one thing I wish I could do well.

Finally, when I turned 22, I realised I had to get off my ass and just do something. I got a tech support job with a broadband company which I really enjoyed and got to be quite competent at and went back to college. I had a manic year of working and studying full time, but managed to pull it off and got accepted into a top-10 university in England (I'm from the UK, but my home country is not England). Feeling pretty confident, unmedicated and relieved at getting a second chance (even when my old friends were finishing university), I went off to uni this September...and completely fell apart. I felt totally intimidated by everyone around me (smarter, prettier and four or five years younger) and every bit of self-esteem I'd built up over the previous two years was zapped in about two weeks. It got so bad I couldn't go to lectures and couldn't do simple things like food shopping (my mind would blank out and my hands would start shaking at the check-out...it was embarrassing). Obviously I made no friends, but this was almost entirely my fault.

I quit before even completing the first semester. Although I'm relieved, I regret not trying harder. Now I'm at home again, jobless and about to go through the process of applying to university for next year closer to home. I can still go to a very good university in my home city and come out with a decent degree, but by that point I'll be 27. I have friends around that age now either working and earning £30K+ or about to finish PhDs. It's so disheartening because I know I can be smart and capable, I just can't be consistent about it. I hear pretty often that I have "potential" at various things. But when I look at my peers, I see them actually doing stuff rather than just having the potential to do stuff. I've coasted on "potential" for way too long - there has to be a point where I start delivering, and I'm not. I should be at the same level as them, but instead I'm five years behind thinking I'll never catch up. I am paranoid about getting older and can't help feeling that I'm not youthful anymore and that the things I should have been doing - living my life, travelling, having relationships (I'm still a virgin and have only been intimately involved with one person...several men have wanted to sleep with me, but they never fall in love with me) - have passed me by and that window of opportunity to just be young and carefree is rapidly closing.

My relationship with my parents is complicated. I'm very close to my mother (who I live with) and when my dad isn't drinking too much we can have an OK, though not close, relationship. They are always encouraging and financially more supportive than they probably ought to be given that I'm an adult, but they don't exactly push me to succeed, and never have. I guess the fact they believe the world is close to ending means they don't put too much of an emphasis on getting a solid education and I resent the fact that they allowed me to drop out of the education system at such a young age. I'm sure I was a brat at that time, but I was, socially at least, a very naive kid and it was their responsibility to maintain some sort of structure in my life and they didn't do that. I also resent that my mother allowed me to be medicated at such an early age and did not insist on my doctor addressing the real problem. To have spent such important years feeling alternately crazy and numb was, I believe, very damaging and I'm still trying to figure out things about myself I should have been learning years ago. But I'm not blaming them for everything or for the decisions I have made as an adult. I know they love me and just want me to be happy, but they are not good mentors and I feel like I'm having to figure out all this stuff on my own with no one to help guide me or even just give me something to do and let me get on with it.

Right now, I am very close to being depressed and shutting myself away from the world again. I am struggling to sleep and eat properly, I waste days in front of the computer doing nothing, I'm avoiding people and I'm panicking at the thought of going outside. I don't want this to be happening again, because I'm not sure I could make it through twice. I don't really remember not feeling depressed, but at least when I had a job and college I had a certain amount of obligations which forced me out into the world and gave me the motivation I needed to get things done. I'm looking for a new job but I am still quite devastated by my university failure - it has hit me hard because I genuinely wasn't expecting it and my mother simply can't understand why I'm upset about it. If it had happened when I was younger it would bother me less, but with the sense of urgency and the fear of "running out of time" I already have, it's very hard to accept that I have failed yet again.

I realise my issues are not solvable by just posting this question. I feel guilty for even writing all of this because I know that compared to many people I haven't had a hard a time at all, so maybe I'm just spoiled and lazy and have no one to blame but myself. I'm considering therapy, but I'm worried about approaching my doctor because I absolutely will not go on medication again (and I know that's what will be suggested because this is the NHS and it's cheaper/easier to drug someone than it is to fix them).

In short, I am lost and alone and terrified. I guess I just want advice, hope, reassurance that it's not too late for me to be OK. I'm tired of being miserable and scared of the whole world. It's exhausting and I want to live and not feel this damn old when I'm only in my mid-twenties.

(I'm sorry about the length, and for being whiny.)

Harry Potter is heavy reading!

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 07:44:44 -0800

Should I finish off the Harry Potter series of books even though I get totally depressed after reading them? So I was reading this post

and really identified with the question. I have read the first three Harry Potter novels 3 times each and each time I read them, I get way too obsessed about the characters, and way too depressed when I finish reading the books. Then I start to think about my life and how my childhood and present day life (I am 36) is so lonesome and I get even more depressed!

So the question is: do I continue with the other 4 books?

Pros: I really like the stories, and really want to know what happens to the characters before I accidentaly hear any spoiler material!

Cons: I am worried that although these books are enjoyable, they are actually doing me more harm than good (kinda like a drug, I guess) since all I end up doing is thinking about how "terrible" my life is and fantasizing way too much about an imaginary world and imaginary characters.

I guess what I really want to know is - will continued pursuit of books that illustrate themes of friendship make me stronger or make we worse?

What am I getting myself into?

vitrum — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 00:27:09 -0800

The Seattle Freeze: What am I getting myself into? I'm moving to Seattle in a few months from the Los Angeles area to accept a job offer, and hardly know a soul other than one or two acquaintances there.

Frankly I haven't been too incredibly worried about meeting people - which is somewhat surprising considering I'm a pretty introverted - but I think it partially originated from being so taken back by how nice everyone was while I was visiting last to check things out.

Now I'm hearing thats what they all say - before the end!

I just ran across a very interesting article that I think has been mentioned here a few times - but just in passing - regarding the "Seattle Freeze" in the Seattle Times, which I had never really heard of until now.

So hive mind, I'm curious to hear your own perceptions of this phenomenon... fact or fiction? Am I in for some rough times, or is this just like any other big city. If it is true, is there a hidden secret for winning over the locals? haha

I'm still excited about the move, and not rethinking my decision based on reading an article in a newspaper, but I am thinking of if and how I should prepare myself for a potentially very different culture...

Saturn in Virgo, UGH!

Carnage Asada — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 15:21:06 -0800

Saturn in Virgo. I'm a Virgo. Everything out there says this is going to SUUUCK. What can I expect? What can I look forward to? Thanks in advance :).