Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with longdistancerelationships

Would my roommate's boyfriend's surprise appearance be unwanted?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 08:20:37 -0800

My roommate's long-distance boyfriend asked me to help him surprise her. But I'm afraid he might be the one who gets surprised, if she's sleeping with someone else (I'm not sure). What do I do? My roommate and I have been living together since September. We were assigned randomly (last year of college) and did not know each other before then. We get along well and are friendly, but we aren't friends.

She is from the opposite coast, and is in a long-distance relationship with a guy who still lives there. In October, he came to visit for about five days. I met him briefly and said hi, but we didn't talk. He stayed in her room (we have separate bedrooms). Everything seemed to be going well: they went out every night, she put tons of pictures of them together on Facebook, and they had loud (although brief) sex every night.

Earlier this week, he called me out of the blue and asked for my help. He wants to surprise my roommate by appearing one morning, but because the apartment we share is in a college dorm, he will need me to go downstairs, sign him in with security, and bring him up to the apartment we share. He will be flying in early Saturday morning and flying out late Saturday night (his family has a ton of money, much more than either she or I do). I thought this was an awesome, romantic idea and he was amazingly sweet and dedicated to think of it and to be willing to give up so much (not just money, but a lot of time and effort) to make it happen, so I agreed without a second thought.

Tonight my roommate brought another guy into the apartment late at night, made dinner for him, and hung out with him for hours, talking/joking about a lot of things, including explicit sex talk. Their conversation didn't include any obvious reasons for his presence (e.g. both foodies, or he wanted to learn how to make this meal, etc.). I thought I heard a few sounds of kisses, but they were cooking, so it could have been something else? This was all in the shared area, where I couldn't help overhearing. They also spent some time inside her room. At one point when they were in the kitchen, I went in pretending to get something. Nothing obvious was going on, but they were clearly physically comfortable with each other (touching, standing against each other when I tried to get by in a crowded space).

I have really good guy friends of my own, so I know that could be all he is, but among other things, we live so far away that friends don't want to come over -- they'll ask to meet at their places, or somewhere in between. Literally, in 3.5 months, neither of us has ever had anyone but sex partners visit the apartment. Between that, the late-night circumstances, the possible kissing . . . it seems to add up. But one thing against that interpretation is that when she was having sex with her boyfriend, she was very loud, but when she and this guy were alone in her room, I didn't hear anything, so that argues they were watching a movie or something not sexual. Still, if she was single, I would definitely assume that this was a date.

As it is, I have no idea what's going on. Maybe she's just realized she likes this guy better, and she's waiting to break up with the boyfriend in person when she goes back home for winter break. Maybe she's getting a little on the side and not planning on telling her boyfriend. Maybe she's sleeping with other guys so she can call her boyfriend and tell him every last detail while he jerks off. Maybe she's not even sleeping with this guy! Whatever it is, it's none of my business, and I wouldn't care at all if I hadn't agreed to help her boyfriend go to such great lengths to surprise her.

So what do I do? Call the boyfriend back and be like "You may want to reconsider"? Ask the roommate if she's interested in the new guy, and look incredibly offensively snoopy if they're just friends? Keep my mouth shut, go along with the plan, and have them both absolutely furious with me if she's done with him? The boyfriend is coming this Saturday, the 15th, and I'm sure he already has the plane tickets -- I have to decide fast!

I'm a dick - now what?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 21:57:24 -0800

So, I moved halfway across the country to be with a guy who subsequently decided I'm too irritating to be around. Help me make the best of a shitty, shitty situation. We'd been in a long-distance relationship for a few months, and last week, after two months of mutual planning, I quit my job and moved from California to Chicago so we could really give it a go. I've just dropped $1400 on a two-month sublet by my old university (he lives about a half-hour away, but works near where I'm staying.). Even though I went to school here, none of my old friends are still around. I have no car, no job, no life, really - these were all things I was going to take care of upon arriving here, but in the meantime, I thought I'd be able to rely on him.

But he's apparently not as in love with me as he claimed to be, or as he thought he was. He finds my neediness repulsive. He suddenly isn't sure about any of this. So while I wait for him to figure it out, I need to figure out how to fill my days so that I'm not obsessing all the time. (Frankly, I find my neediness repulsive, too.)

I have some savings but they won't last forever. I could go back home, but I figure I'm already here, and maybe I can use the time to my benefit somehow. I wasn't planning on staying here more than six months anyway, but I haven't decided if I'll leave in two months when my sublet lease is up - if I do, it seems pointless to start looking for a job now.

I feel completely lost, lonely, and devastated, not to mention somewhat betrayed. I know this may not be the most lucid post, so I've set up a throwaway account to answer any questions. Thanks in advance.

How to confront a cheating, abroad girlfriend?

GilloD — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 10:17:03 -0800

How to confront an abroad girlfriend about cheating. Alright. Grab a drink or a cup of coffee because this one is a little long. I'll shorten it to the essentials, but it's still a tale. And I've got a hangover, so excuse any run ons enetnces and misspellings and what have yous.

I met this girl around St. Patrick's Day. We hit it off incredibly well, foolowed around a lot and spent plenty of time together. I graduated college in May, we decided to stick it out and then she went to India for the month of June. When she got back, I went to visit her for the 4th of July, we spent a few days together, it was great, perfect, whatever. The two of us had a really busy month (She worked everyday 8-4, I worked 9-5) so we kept in touch, but I didn't see her in person again.

At the end of July, she left for Ecuador. She won't be back until December. We had a state of the union chat and decided, again, to stick it out. There was a general agreement there that if one of us got drunk and made out with somebody or took someone home, whatever. It wouldn't be the situation you'd lay awake at night hoping for but, hey, it happens. So, she left. We e-mail back and forth every 2 or 3 days (Usually Mon, Weds, Fri, her internet access is sporadic) and I call her once a week.

Maybe about a month into the trip she sent an e-mail to some mutual friends of ours detailing the fact that she'd met 2 guys, one of whom she referred to as "aminovio", which comes close to meaning "engaged" or "serious boyfriend", but later revealed itself to be a typo. Don't worry. We'll get there. The word she meant was, "amigovio" which is loosely a contraction of friend-lover, or friends with benefits. We went to a small school, so of course the text of the e-mail found it's way to me within days. Secrets are, more or less, the coin of the realm.

I sort didn't know what to do about it. I felt terrible, I feel terrible and before I could really confront her about it, she told me all about the one guy and how he was a jerk and she wasn't seeing him anymore. She didn't detail any romantic encounters they may have had, she made it out to be a kind of friendship gone bad. So, fine. I figured I could lie to myself and put it to bed as long as she came home. At this point, she doesn't know that I know about the second guy. I get drunk one night and send her a real guilt trip of an e-mail, something about "Look, I love that I can trust you and that I don't have to worry about you running around on me", she replies "I'd never hurt you, but I do have my moments". Which, yeah, sucks, but again, a moment or two never killed anybody.

So, the month of September moves by somewhat uneventfully. I still kinda feel like hell about it, but in general our conversations are pleasent and she genuinely seems to miss me and so whatever and ever, amen. But then a few days ago she sent another e-mail to the same group of mutual friends referring to this second boy as "amigovio". She's mentioned this boy offhand to me before, as a friend, but never as a lover, obviously.

Now, I'm okay with a drunk hookup here and there, but this sounds less like a "moment" and more like a sort of casual relationship. It's becoming clear to me that this isn't something I can bury my head in the sand over. I need to talk to her about it. But I'm typically bad in confrontations. What I want to say is two-fold. One, borrowing from Luna: "Tell me, do you miss me?" and the other is: "Do whatever, come home to me, but come home 100%". I've made tentative plans to visit her at the end of October, but I don't wanna spend 600$ to board a sinking ship so to speak.

I guess what I'm looking towards Ask MeFi for is advice. Tips on how to confront the situation, anecdotes about similar situations etc.

Just for background: I'm usually REALLY bad at long distance relationships, but I buckled down for this one. I haven't even so much as touched another woman since she left, but I've been having a really hard time adjusting to "the real world". I went from being fairly popular to being incredibly lonely. I get out a lot, but I end up doing it alone. Things could be worse, but they could be better. And so I think I've sort of projected some of that onto our relationship and I'm letting it kick me around more than I usually would.

Anyway. Thanks for the, erm, tips.

What are your experiences and advice with an open relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Oct 2004 18:08:14 -0800

My long-distance relationship is disintegrating, basically because it is now totally open-ended, and the visa situation is such that only a marriage will keep us physically together.

Our current idea is an open relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Does anyone have any experience? I can't help but think if I wanted to be with the new person I wouldn't be with the old, and it seems somehow wrong to use new people just for sex or short-termism...

long distance relationship songs

Raze2k — Mon, 05 Jan 2004 14:52:27 -0800

Any suggestions for songs about long distance relationships?