Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with longdistancerelationship

How can I be thoughtful and nice from long-range?

Aizkolari — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 12:58:42 -0800

What are some nice things I can do for my long-distance SO? She's got one more year left at the college where we met. I'm on the other side of the country, soon to be moving to a city about 2 hours from campus. We're going to try the long-distance thing for a while to see how it goes, and I'm looking for some cool ideas of things I could have done for her that would brighten her day and remind her that I'm thinking of her. I have friends back at school who could help me with this from that end and am friends with her roommate and friends as well.

For example, I was thinking I could mail one of my buddies 20 bucks and ask him to go buy coffee, a muffin, and a newspaper and deliver them to her door on the morning of the first day of classes.

So, Hivemind, any other ideas in this vein? Things that you have done for your long-distance SO that s/he thought were cute? I'm trying to save money right now, so I'm looking for stuff that won't cost a lot but will still show her that I care.

Other miscellaneous advice on long-term relationships would also be welcome.

_{I may have missed some previously's on this topic, but searches for "long distance relationship" turned up a lot of EmoFilter and not much helpful advice.}

Really long distance anniversary gift?

zinge — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 21:33:26 -0800

What is a good, relatively cheap, long-distance anniversary gift to give to someone on the other side of the world? We talk on skype, but I think it'd be nice to actually get her something. My two-year anniversary of when my girlfriend and I started dating is coming up in a few weeks. Unfortunately, I'm in Florida, and she's in Australia at the moment. Background: We're both in college, she's doing a semester abroad in Townsville. I was actually able to go and visit back in February for about a week, so visiting again as a gift is not really feasible. She'll be back in the States in June, but I won't see her again till August, so I'd like to do something nice. For our 1st anniversary I was the one out of the country, but I had internet access and was able to send her some things through the internet (wrote a long letter, had it sent to her as a message in a bottle). I tried finding local gift shops in Townsville through the internet, but haven't had much luck. She's not much of a flower fan, and I've already gotten her a teddy bear. Actually mailing something from here gets expensive, and I toyed with the idea of making a digital mix tape or photo-collage with music and sending her the link, but she only has sporadic internet. Maybe I'm thinking along the wrong lines, but what kinds of things would I be able to find websites for, local to her area, that I could have shipped to her dorm? Also, I have someone (a mutual friend also studying abroad) that said she'd be willing to help out on the Australian end if I plan something. I've read through the other LDR threads, but most of the suggestions don't seem to apply very well to another continent, as opposed to another state. Thanks.

MixCD for an LDR

PhoBWanKenobi — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:37:38 -0800

What songs should I put on a long distance relationship themed mixed cd? I know, I know. Asking what to put on a mix is like asking what to write in a love letter. But I've been wanting to put together a long-distance relationship themed CD for my SO for a while, and (after searching and searching through my mp3 collection) have only come up with five tracks. They are:

The Beatles - Got to Get You Into My Life
The Hollies - Pay You Back With Interest
The Marvelettes - Please Mr. Postman
Built to Spill - The Weather
The Mountain Goats - Sax Rohmer #1

I've eliminated some options because I've used them on mixes before (Rilo Kiley's My Slumbering Heart, Songs: Ohia's Lioness, various other Beatles songs). It's been a few years and I guess I'm terribly rusty at this. The relationship is established and steady (6 years), which eliminates many "you live far away but we've just met and I think you're cute" songs. As you can see, my tastes run toward 60s rock and indie rock. The internet isn't offering up anything but that "Delilah" song by Plain White T's. So, mefites, any other (better) suggestions?

He may be moving away geographically, should I be moving away emotionally?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:33:22 -0800

Is my relationship going nowhere? And how might I go about asking him what his intentions are without freaking him out? Some background: I've been with my current boyfriend for over a year. It's been great, one of the most functional, loving, sexy relationships I've ever had, and I’m crazy about him. He is very responsible about a lot of things, and often acts like the perfect future husband/father figure I’ve always imagined myself being with. BUT-- when he drinks, especially when he’s with his immature college friends, he acts like a frat boy. He still lives in a frat-house like environment, his after-work activities are centered on drinking until wasted, and playing video games. Which I don’t have a real problem with because I’m hoping he’ll outgrow it in years to come, and because when he and I get together we do things that are interesting and adventurous—going on bike rides, hikes, weekend trips, etc. We have a blast together, 90% of the time sober.

Trouble is, he’s 25 and I’m 28, and I am pretty focused on the future. I’m financially independent, and not in any rush to have kids, but I’d like to not waste too many of my child-bearing years with someone who has no intention of long-term plans with me.

I have never brought up the subject of us getting married one day, (two years from now sounds about right) but I have broached the subject of us moving in together, to which he’s replied “it’s too soon.” I also know he broke up with his last serious girlfriend (when he was 22) because she brought up marriage after a year. He never ever mentions our future in terms of more than a few months ahead, but he’s gone to great lengths to introduce me to all his relatives and childhood friends, who love me (and the feeling is reciprocated,) and in every other way treats me like a serious potential mate. He’s told me ours is the most adult relationship he’s ever been in, and I’m the girl he’s been the most invested in.

Here’s the wrench in the cogs—a few weeks ago he found out his roommates are all moving far away, for various reasons, by summer’s end. And rather than moving closer to me (he’s currently a 15 minute drive away) he is considering moving essentially next-door to his office (about an hour drive from me.) The only reason for him to move that far away is because it’s less of a commute to work.

We currently see each other about 4 nights a week, and at least one weekend day. His moving to that location will have a HUGE impact on our relationship, cutting down our time spent together drastically. He says he’s not certain he’ll move away, he’s merely considering it, but he hasn’t looked anywhere in my part of town and has been looking solely at places in the other city. I can’t help thinking that this is a giant step backwards from what I thought laid in store for our future.

Am I overreacting, or should I read into this that he has no plans for us to move forward in our relationship anytime in the next couple years? I asked him how serious he was about me, and he responded by saying I was the best, most important thing in his life, and that I made him extremely happy. But why would you move an hour away from that person? And treat the subject of our future as a complete taboo subject, to be avoided at all costs?

Some perspective would be helpful, or tips on how to talk to him about the long-term stuff without sounding any alarm bells of “RUN, OR SHE’S GOING TO DEMAND A RING ANY DAY NOW!”
Thanks in advance.

Help me be with my EU girl

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 07:12:40 -0800

I'm American, my girlfriend's from the EU. We're both graduating soon. How can we be together? Background:
My girlfriend's from Sweden. We met a year ago while studying in China for the summer. We parted at the end of summer(we're both in college), but stayed in touch online and managed to visit each other a couple times for about 1-2 weeks each. Things went well last year, and we were together again this summer(again in China) for three months.

We're both in our last year of undergrad now(she studies in the UK) and want to be together after school ends. However, we're not too sure how to go about doing this with immigration laws and so on. The ideal situation would be for us to both attend grad school, but she tells me her chances of getting into a US economics PhD program w/ funding are very slim, and she doesn't have the money to fund a master's. I don't know enough about econ grad programs to tell if she's just being (typically) pessimistic or if she really has no chances; she's at the top of her econ program at a well-regarded UK university, but says she lacks the math background US programs require.

As for me, I'll (hopefully) be attending a ~1 year master's program that will end up being very expensive, so I'll have enough trouble providing for myself as it is.

Assuming she can't get into grad school, what other options do we have for living together? I love her, but don't feel quite ready to get married - she's my first girlfriend, and the longest time I've actually been with her is just three months!

I know nothing about US immigration laws - would she be able to stay here for a year or more without us being married? Would she be allowed to work? Working is important - she'd be bored hanging around at home all day, and it'd be a pretty big gap on her resume as well. Not to mention helping us support ourselves...

Throwaway e-mail: helpusout1@gmail.com

Lady / Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady / Dear mama / Place no one above ya, sweet lady / You are appreciated / Don't cha know we love ya?

mdonley — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 00:23:17 -0800

What's the best way for a tech-impaired, budget-conscious mom in the US to talk to her son while he's living in Indonesia? My mom's in Orange County, California; I'm in Bandung, Indonesia.

Mom's got an ancient *eMac* running a version of OSX which is incompatible with Skype, a Verizon cell phone, a Cox landline/cable internet bundle, and a Yahoo account. The eMac has a microphone integrated into its monitor and, presumably, some USB ports for a headset.

However, the computer is in my (16-year-old) brother's room, and the time difference (14 hours, yo!) makes using the computer at night difficult if she wants to have a private and/or hilarious conversation with me. Getting her own computer is a big priority but not in the financial cards right now.

I've got an Indonesian PAYG mobile phone (Simpati), no landline or internet at home, and a Gmail account. I use internet cafes, so I'm paying for my time and I can't install any new software - though I do have a 512mb USB flash drive I could (maybe?) install something on. Most of the time I can stick something into a USB drive (headset?), but I've never used one of them, so I don't know how that'd go on a computer not my own.

Calling cards are possible, but I'd love to be able to get us into the free/extremely cheap territory of Google Talk or Skype - money's tight for both of us and we are really, really chatty. Is there some obvious option I'm not seeing here? Thanks!

He's sick, I'm scared, and I'm 3000 miles away. Help!

fuzzbean — Sat, 08 Oct 2005 08:19:15 -0800

On Tuesday, my boyfriend is having an anterior cervical fusion of C5 and C6 as a result of being on the weak end of a car-bicycle collision. He's in Los Angeles. I'm in Boston. I'm worried, and I have lots of questions. How can I help? He was hit by the car two Thursdays ago, finally made it in to see a doctor (long story) last Monday, and in the intervening week has had four separate and unrelated doctors, including two non-surgeons with no interest in unnecessary surgery, look at him and go, "Oh, shit, it's a good thing you're not paralyzed." So we're pretty sure this is the right thing to do.

Flying out isn't really an option, due to the expense and my job, etc., nor is it particularly necessary; he has family and friends in the area who will be around to help. It's rational for me to stay in Boston and go about my life; it doesn't mean it's what I want to do. I've basically been put on internet research detail, but I feel so very helpless and useless at this. I've offered several times to come out (and have a packed duffel in the hallway by the door), but he is also being rational about this and discouraging it, on the grounds that there will already be lots of people there and I won't be able to help that much; it would be better for me to save the time and money and see him when he's recovered.

Complicating the issue (for me, anyway, although I'm not mentioning this to him as it's one more thing he doesn't need to worry about) is my crippling, bowel-clenching phobia (self link) of doctors, medicine, hospitals, needles, etc.etc.etc. that puts me nearly into a crying, shaking panic attack when I think about all of this too hard.

So now for the questions:

Medical:
- What can he expect in terms of aftermath and recovery time? He's 37 and in good overall health, non-smoker, slender build, very healthy diet.

- Has anyone here had this procedure done? What were your experiences (good and bad)?

- What's the best way to treat a surgical wound so it heals quickly and with minimal scarring? What's the best way to prevent infection? He's considering using something like this, on the grounds that it will seal out everything nasty and won't need to be fussed with for a week. Thoughts? Why would this be a bad idea?

- His doctor has had a single malpractice arbitration judgment against him, for $1.2 million in October of 2004, but says that he hasn't had any deaths. Is this a large enough settlement to be concerned about? I'm taking it with a grain of salt, as I know perfectly well that very good doctors often settle malpractice disputes just to settle without going to court, but I'll admit that the size concerns me.

Legal:
- Is there a maximum inheritable value above which point the estate goes to probate court regardless of the existance of a will, or as long as it's under the $1.5 million mark (for the estate tax) does the will take precedence? (No, I'm not this ghoulish, but he wants to be prepared for the worst.)

- He hasn't contacted a lawyer and is unwilling to sue (variety of reasons). He has health insurance that should be covering all of this, so will they just go after the car insurance and leave him out of it?

Personal:
- What concrete steps can I take to help him from all the way across the continent? As I said, I'm on internet research detail, as he has limited time he can sit/stand upright, so I'm answering and trying to anticipate his questions, but it's so...little.

- How do I get control of my head? I'm keeping busy, knitting him a scarf, cooking, going out with friends, not letting myself be too alone, but often when I am, bad scary things start going on inside my cranium. I want them to stop; they're not helping him and they're not helping me, but I can't. I know some fear is rational, but I know this isn't.

Random:
- He has an returning residency visa for New Zealand, and was planning to move there (permanently) before all this happened. Will this affect his application for an indefinite returning residency visa?

it's over, it's over, it's over... is it?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 May 2005 06:16:28 -0800

How do you know your relationship is worth fighting for? Or, how do you know when to call it quits? We've been dating a year. He's there, I'm here, about 1/2 of it has been long distance. We'd both been having thoughts that the relationship wasn't working that well, but with the distance and stress of finals, I just figured we'd work it out this summer when we'd be together, working in another city.

Then one night a few weeks ago, he pounced and said that we need to talk about our relationship before the summer. It was horrible timing: my own finals had just started, his were a few weeks away, and we had agreed that no relationship talks would happen over the phone. That night we broke up, but we've kind of peeled back to say that "we'll talk about it when I get up there." I'm going to see him soon. The shock of it all has settled down a bit, but I have been crying for most of the past two weeks, and I don't really want that to happen the entire time I'm with him.

I have a feeling that if one of us says that we want to work it out for the summer, the other will go for it, at least to see how it goes. I have no idea if he's going to say that, but I'm trying to figure out what I personally want to happen. So my question to you, dear MeFites, is: how do you know that it's over? If you have to ask that question, does that give you the answer? Or, is the first breakup of a long distance relationship something to work through, if a summer together might help things? This was my first serious relationship - the first one that I really cared deeply about and whether or not it ends. What advice can you give me? We both still really care about each other, but I'm unclear how to go from here. This is absolutely wrenching my heart around, and I think my finals have suffered already - if the relationship can be patched up, maybe it will be worth it. What do you ask yourself to figure out what you really want? I usually have a sense of intuition stronger than magnetic north, but this time I feel like I'm totally floundering.