Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with longdistance

Should I stay or should I go now?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 20:00:06 -0800

RelationshipFilter: Do I move out to a new city with my new boyfriend where the old boyfriend lives? Long back story inside. So, for two and a half years in college and a year after, I dated a guy. However, after a year of living together post-college, he got a long term job offer in Portland and I got a short term nursing gig in the middle of nowhere (the pay was good even if the area wasn't), and ex-bf decided he couldn't do long distance, so he broke things off. It wasn't exactly a clean cut, as I hooked up with him a couple of times afterwards in a barely veiled attempt to keep the relationship alive, but the distance effectively kept it from going back to any semblance of a relationship. In the meantime though, I managed to glorify the relationship and how great it had been (obviously there were more problems if he wasn't willing to wait 9 months for my nursing gig to be up).

Fast forward a year: even though I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm socializing and have made a fair number of friends when I meet a great guy here! He's a good fit for me in a lot of ways, but I find myself hesitant to let myself fall for him, as I am still hurt from before. We get along really well and he has a lot of characteristics I've been looking for (kind, funny, chivalrous, etc). We've been dating for about half a year now and yesterday he let me know that his job just offered him a significant promotion under the condition that he move to... you guessed it... Portland!

My current boyfriend says he will stay around here if I want, but I know he hates his job here and would really like to take the new job (plus, it's closer to his family and friends). So, no questions about it, I want him happy and will let him know he should take the job if he wants. The problem is, that although I really like my boyfriend and enjoy his company, I'm not head-over-heels in love yet and I'm also worried that although Portland is a big city, I'll eventually end up reconnecting with my ex... and, well, 'reconnecting.' (I wouldn't cheat, but I can see myself getting close to him and ending my current relationship to once again try to re-live the glorified relationship)

I just re-signed my nursing contract until April, so I'm here until at least then. At which point, I could a. move out to Portland. b. re-sign my contract to stick around here and keep racking up some savings. or c. move back to my home state (in the southwest... I'd only be able to visit Portland via plane) and sort my life out.

So, I guess I have a few questions:
1. Do I risk it and move out with the boyfriend in April? Or do I take one of my other options? I know April is a ways a way, but I have to decide relatively soon so I can get all of the logistics figured out.
2. Is it normal to not be completely in head-over-heels in love after 5 months? Any real life stories or anecdotes are appreciated. Besides a couple casual boyfriends in high school, I've only had the one serious relationship and I was head-over-heels for him in a couple months (I was a young and naive 20 year old... I'm 24 now), so I have nothing else to compare this to. Am I cruel for continuing to date someone even if I'm not sure I want to end up with them forever? And how can I make sure I'm over my ex?

Or am I just overthinking all this way too much?

Thanks in advance to everyone for your advice... no throwaway email account here, but if I need to add more info I'll contact jessamyn (my apologies in advance as well).

How close is too close before you meet someone IRL?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:35:11 -0800

Online dating issues. How close is too close *before* you meet someone in real life? So there's this guy, right. We met online, and we're definitely hitting it off on IM and on the phone. We intend to meet in person once he moves significantly closer to me, which he has been planning to do all along (before he met me). As soon as he locks down a job and a place to live he'll be moving, and to the best of our knowledge this will be by the end of the month, two tops. Until then, we're stuck with great IM and phone chemistry, and pictures of each other we drool over, and little else.

My fear is not that he's going to end up never moving - he just finished college and has been planning on doing so since he graduated. I certainly feel close enough to him already to trust him on this matter. Moreover, I worry about pouring so much of my time and energy into someone I still haven't met, even though we've been consistently hitting it off and I have yet to see or hear a single red flag. We talk online or on the phone usually for at least an hour or two every day and have been doing so for about a month now. We're both quite confident that even if we don't have physical chemistry, we'll still be friends. Yet I still worry, and more than he does.

Are my fears of possible rejection or time-wasting justified, or do I need to just unclench and enjoy the amazing connection we're already having?

Is our closeness unhealthy?

Any insight would be appreciated. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll respond via MeFi mail if you'd like. I'm posting anonymously in the hopes he won't see this. Gulp.

Relationship minefield

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 08:12:51 -0800

Yep, it's another sticky relationship question on AskMe. A recent divorce, a friend of a mother... Now that I have your attention (because let's face it, there's chum in the water)...

I was with the same woman for nearly seven years, married for one. During that time, she cheated on me three times -- once while we were engaged the first time, once later with one of my best friends, and once whilst married (which, naturally, resulted in the end of the marriage).

It was a long and rocky road, and I don't need reminding that I should never have stayed with her long enough to get married in the first place. Suffice to say, it's dead dead dead. She moved out and instantly went public with her relationship with her boy-toy, I filed divorce so fast it caused whiplash.

We tried counseling (at my behest... I'm pretty traditional, and feel like even a shitty sham of a marriage deserves an honest attempt at reconciliation) for a month, but she couldn't much be real about it (my ex is twice diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder). It was apparent at the start that we were pretty well doomed.

That was at the end of April. At the end of May, we moved apart and filed.

This is where this question comes in. At the end of June, I met a friend of my mother's. She's naturally much younger than my mother (she is 27, I am barely 33). We hit it off spectacularly, staying up late into the night talking, and ended up cuddling on the couch.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, a few dates, some makeout, and some rather amazing sex...

This woman and I seem to (too early to know for certain, naturally) click on a level that I never did with my ex-wife. My mother had been pulling for us to hook up for ages, but first she was married, and then I was. I am rather smitten with her, and she is with me. We're not claiming coupledom, or even official "dating" status... We're just sort of leaving things undefined and rolling with the punches. We seem pretty nuts for each other, but I feel awkward about my situation, and she feels a tad awkward about "vulturing" as she puts it.

Here are the problems. Now that we seem to be actually hooking up, my mother seems jealous. Like I'm taking her friend away.

My mother's being around makes things rather awkward for the both of us.

She lives about 3 hours away, in a different city (as does mom). This is good, I think, as it puts some necessary space, time, and distance there...but I feel guilty if I visit the city and don't talk to mom.

It's still so soon after the divorce... Is this a good idea? On the one hand, it's only about two months out since I filed. On the other hand, both through significant introspection and through attending counseling, I can see that the marriage ending was a very good thing, and I feel pretty okay about that.

I need some suggestions for navigating this minefield! (anon, because ex sometimes peruses MeFi)

Poems/songs about a geographically distant beloved?

bubukaba — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:34:26 -0800

What are some good poems (or songs) about a beloved person traveling very far away (from the speaker of the poem/song)? I'm trying to find appropriate things to read or listen to when I'm feeling all soppy about my boyfriend being in Syria for the next few months.

The only ones I've been able to think of are the words to Alasdair Roberts's rendition of the traditional song Lord Gregory and a song my mom used to sing, which is apparently taken from Tennyson. But it would be nice to find some others (and I'm sure there are many better ones out there!)

First roadtrip ever

oldtimey — Sun, 11 May 2008 08:31:00 -0800

In two months I'll be going to a conference in Denver, CO. I want to drive there. I am a new driver (at age 30, and have owned my car for six weeks). Really, I've been on a ton of long roadtrips before -- but never driving, and never by myself. Can I make the 18-hour trip?? Any tips? Google Maps says the total drive time is 18 hours, so I've planned on the drive taking 2 (or 3) days. I'll probably stay in hotels rather than camp. The previous AskMe threads about long-distance driving have been VERY helpful. So far my longest drive-time has been 1.5 hours, so I will need to practice -- if I learn to drive 6 hours at a time, will 9 feel about the same? Are there any scary stretches of road on I-80 W//I-76 between Michigan and Colorado? What else should I know to become an experienced driver who just happens to be new to all of this?

Final preparations for a first half-marathon

web-goddess — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 05:31:00 -0800

Final half-marathon preparations: I'm signed up for the Sydney Half-Marathon (my first ever!) on May 18th, and I've just got a couple questions as I enter these last few weeks of preparations. Do I need to start investigating energy gels or GUs or something? And is this a *really* bad time to get new shoes? I'm getting a bit jittery so I'd be grateful for any wisdom and advice from the MeFi running contingent... I did my longest run ever today - ten miles! But man, am I sore right now. I had plenty of Gatorade and water throughout the two hours (yes, I'm SLOW), but I've since been googling and it seems like ten miles is about the magic number when folks start taking energy supplements with them. I've read enough to know that I shouldn't take anything for the first time during the actual race. So should I try out some in these last three weeks? What kind of results can I actually expect from them? My legs were feeling pretty dead by the end of today's run, but I just chalked that up to the effort of going farther. Would sucking down a gel or two have made me feel noticeably more peppy?

The other culprit for my soreness could be my shoes. I've done 430km (about 270 miles) on this pair, which I bought last September. Most of the articles I can find online suggest replacing them between 300-500 miles. I'm a fairly big girl, so I'm sure I'm putting a bit more wear and tear on them than a lighter runner would. So should I get a new pair as soon as I can and start rotating them for my last few workouts? Or would it be better to stick with what my feet are used to until after the race?

I'm grateful for any additional advice you guys can offer! I'm actually kind of excited to "graduate" into longer distance running. I've tried several times in the past to become a runner but it never really stuck until this year. Wish me luck...

Apartment hunting is even worse from a distance

Listener — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:02:43 -0800

How to simplify relocation - renting an apartment in another city Situation: I'm selling my house and moving back to Vancouver. I need to rent a place for about 6-12 months. I was down there last week and looked at a bunch and applied and got approved for one. Now they want me back down there to sign and pay the deposit. Nonsense! There must be a better way. Looked into notarizing my signature, and there are some hitches in that, but it might work. I'm not rich, so I don't think a relocation agency is the way to go. I looked at some tips from past askmefi questions - I agree month to month would be nice, but that doesn't seem to exist in Van, especially not in towers. Work scheduling is not a factor, as I work from home on my own time.

Objective: I'm looking for a south-facing one-bedroom in a concrete tower, 6th floor or better. I need parking. Budget under $950 total. The one I found is quite a bit less, in New West. Not sure I'll take it due to the signature hassle, though.

Question: I need some tips to manage this situation and I hope to avoid making another expensive trip, staying in a hotel.

Helping a friend from a distance...

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:40:40 -0800

I’m worried about an old friend of mine who lives far away and has been going through some tough times. I want to be a good friend to her, but I fear that she might rely a little too much on my long-distance friendship. We’ve known each other since about elementary or middle school, and I’ve had some wonderful times with her. She’s fun, funny, and very sweet. We’ve kept in touch over the years through written letters, emails, and calls. I’ve moved away from the town where we grew up, but I hang out with her every time I visit.

The past several years have not been the best for her. Without going into too much detail, she still lives with her parents and has spent years in school working toward a degree that, I am beginning to suspect, might not be a good match for her. Most of the jobs she’s had over the years have been at places like coffee shops or mall stores. I’m not sure if she has much of a social life out of school or work; I haven’t heard her really talk much about other friends or outings.

I’ve sensed her wearing down gradually. I couldn’t say for sure whether she’s depressed, but she has definitely lost her spark. She seems overwhelmed, lost at sea, helpless to change things.

I believe in her. I believe that she has potential, and that she can be happy; and although I know the power and responsibility to change her life ultimately rest within her, I think she needs a big hand right now, some sort of outside help. I don’t know whether I can or should be that help.

There are two factors here that might complicate things, which I mentioned in the blurb up top:

1) The physical distance between us – hundreds of miles. I can keep up with her via mail and phone, but there’s only so much I can do from a distance. I can’t, say, take her out to a bar or introduce her to my other friends.

2) I’m worried I might be all she’s got. Last time I was in town, she wanted to spend time with me nearly every single day. It was several months ago, but she’s still mentioning how much fun she had with me in all of her letters. I want to be a friend, not a crutch. I think developing other friendships and activities would help her a lot more than I can at this point.

I know that I can’t be responsible for anyone’s happiness, that she has to see herself out of this, that the best I can do is be there… but I wonder if I’m missing something that I could be doing.

Thanks in advance; I really appreciate it.

How to "keep in shape" between infrequent romantic visits?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:27:43 -0800

i'm in a long distance relationship, so my sex life goes something like this: five or six-week dry spell, intense weekend of sexytime, wash, repeat. i need help physically adapting. previously, we (me the girl, he the boy) were at college together and got to have sex all the time, with no problems. now that we don't see each other as often, the sex has hit some road bumps. due to the previous lack of sex, i feel pretty tight and need a lot of lube for our first "reunion." this is often slow going and somewhat painful for me. sometimes i bleed a little and get what feel like small internal tears. this of course puts a damper on the next time we have sex, since i'm uncomfortable. usually it's only by the end of the visit (three or four days) that i'm "back in the saddle." this is very frustrating since we get to see each other so little as it is, and we want to make the most of our time together. we'd like to get back to the comfort level i had when we had sex more frequently.

how can i "keep in shape" so we can avoid the reconditioning period every time we see each other? should i just practice with a vibrator (i.e. insertion)? time our visits with the "horny" week of my cycle? take some kind of hippie herbal supplement to relax? should we just get liquored up?

advice from others in long-distance relationships would be especially appreciated.

Best rates / strategies for calling a mobile in Portugal from the US

pandaharma — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 15:39:42 -0800

Best rates / strategies for calling a mobile in Portugal from the US I have a very good friend in Portugal and we talk very regularly. Right now we're splitting the cost of the calls, by taking turns on who initiates the call, but its pretty expensive for both of us.

When he's at a computer, he uses Skype. But a lot of our conversations are directly over the phone.

My cell phone company is charging me around $0.40 per minute and the best rate I've found is around 0.21. I know there's a premium for calling a European mobile because the caller pays for the recipient's minutes.

But it seems like there should be a better way. For example, is there a way I could get a local number in Portugal that would forward to my American number at the usual landline long distance rate of around .06? I could text him, he could call me back, and we'd both save a considerable amount of money.

Are there any other options I haven't thought of? I've looked into Jajah and similar phone-to-net-to-phone services but can't get better than the 0.21 rate for either of us.

How can I moderate my behavior so I don't ruin my relationship?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:40:36 -0800

I need help with my behavior regarding my boyfriend. He's absolutely great, but when he's not around I worry myself sick, to the point of incapacitation. What can I do to stop this? He travels a lot, and when I don't hear from him I start feeling sick. For example, not long ago he went off to a meet. An ex of his would be present and I didn't even want him going in the first place, but I realized this was crazy. We discussed how anxious I was feeling about this trip, and he offered not to go if it bothered me so much, but I told him it was okay. After he left, I didn't hear from him for over two days. I was okay the first day, and okay for most of the second, but by the third day I couldn't get out of bed. I just lied there, feeling sick and unable to make myself get up and do anything (no eating, nothing). The entire time I wondered about him, if something bad happened to him, what he was doing and why he hadn't contacted me, while the same song played over and over in my head. In the late afternoon I was able to get up and forced myself to send him a text, to which he responded immediately. Instantly I felt better, and after a couple more texts was able to get up and move on with the day. I had resisted contacting him because I felt that I was being very needy or insecure, so I didn't want to act on that impulse.

I've had episodes like this before. Sometimes when I think about his exes or other women being with him, I feel so sick that I vomit. He does nothing to make me feel like this. I know he's crazy about me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. I've never been sure about wanting to be with someone before this, yet sometimes when I am upset I will make little snide remarks or quips that I know really bother him. I'm getting better at controlling these, but sometimes one will slip out and I feel absolutely horribly because I do not want to hurt him.

I have talked with my boyfriend about this, and he's very understanding. I'm only sometimes in the crazy-depressed-obsessive state described above, but when it comes on I feel like I have very little control over it. I understand I'm being irrational, so how do I overcome this? Not only am I giving myself an ulcer and being generally unproductive, but if I keep this behavior up, it is going to ruin the relationship. I do think that when this isn't long-distance I won't act so crazy, but what to do in the interim?

Some details: We're both in our late twenties. Our relationship is long-distance (one of us on each side of the Atlantic). We've spent over two of our eight months together in one another's constant company. When we aren't together, he's usually "around" me by both of us keeping a chat program on, usually with webcam. We aren't always directly interacting during that time, but it's like we're in proximity and the option for communication is there. We probably talk for at least a couple hours every night, usually more. The only time this varies is when he leaves on short trips for various reasons (which he often does, and even then he brings his laptop along and usually talks to me before he goes to bed).

I've been in several relationships, a few of them long-term (the last ended in divorce) but I have never behaved like this, aside from the quips. In the past this was usually done out of resentment. I know it's a problem, and it's gotten better. My ex-husband was secretive, cheated on me, and was physically and emotionally abusive. I'm sure this contributes to my actions, but I was never like this with him. I have far more relationship and sexual experience than my current bf, so that shouldn't be a source of insecurity for me, but I think it might be anyway. Any suggestions are so appreciated. I'm getting a little desperate.

Good book(s) about randonneuring?

everichon — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 09:33:26 -0800

I'm looking for a good read about bicycle randonneuring, in English or French. I know there are a ton of memoirs/bios available about racing and racers, especially the Tour--I am more interested in peoples experiences on brevets, audaxes, and fleches, Paris-Brest-Paris, and so forth.

What to buy my valentine while she's far away?

autojack — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 11:07:43 -0800

I need some long-distance-specific suggestions for a Valentine's day gift. I'm in San Francisco; she's in Australia. My Aussie girlfriend had to move back to Melbourne in December because her work visa in the US was up. We have to deal with the long distance while we work out a plan for ourselves. I was just there for a visit over New Year's, we talk on the phone more or less daily, and already have some other visits planned for the upcoming year, so it all feels manageable. That said, I do miss her like mad, and I'd like to do something nice for her on the 14th.

I'm open to all kinds of suggestions, but I'm trying to think of something more clever than jewelry (got her something as a going-away present), flowers (just sent her some because she was having a shitty week), or chocolate (cliche). If it was something San Francisco or Melbourne/Australia specific, that could be a plus.

The bottom line is that I'm crazy about this woman and I'm a hopeless (but apparently not very creative?) romantic. Even just a nudge in the right direction would be incredibly helpful!

Birthday gift from college

martinX's bellbottoms — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:58:54 -0800

My brother is turning 10 next week and I'm at a loss for what to get him. He got all the stuff he wanted for Christmas and I want to give him some sort of experience. In the past I took him out to lunch and to the German import store to buy candy and just hung out with him for an afternoon. Problem is, this year I'm off at college in another state. What's something we can do together without actually being together? My budget is about $20.

We've only dated a few months, and now I have to leave for a bit

Anonymous — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 17:46:39 -0800

I met a great guy two months ago. We've been going out a few times a week. I think it's fair to say we're both having a blast. Now I'm leaving the country for 6 to 9 months. How can I help keep this alive on some level while I'm away? We can't really have any kind of serious long-distance relationship because, hey, we've only been dating for two months. We've talked about that and we're on the same page. At the same time, I'd really, really like to continue dating him when I get back. And I can't stand the idea that leaving for these six months or so might kill something with a lot of potential.

We'll certainly keep in touch by email but I already know that he's one of those people who aren't the best at keeping up with their email, in part because he has no computer at home. We'll both have a phone, so there's no problem there.

Honestly, the thing gnawing at me is this: He's dated a lot of guys and I really haven't. So there's a good chance he'll be dating other guys in the next six months and a very good chance I won't (if the last ten years are any guide). Some part of me acknowledges that it's not the end of the world if he dates other guys, but I'd like to least give myself the best shot of staying in the running, you know?

Yes, we've talked about the possibility of his visiting me and he would like to -- he's wanted to go since long before he met me. But it's far from a sure thing. And I can't take it personally if he doesn't come. It's $1000 plane ticket and he doesn't have a lot of cash sitting around.

I'm 30 and a guy. He's 29 and also a guy. Part of me knows "que será, será", but another part of me would like to give this budding relationship the best chance of survival possible. I'm at 6000milesaway@gmail.com

Give me a voip voip!

prophetsearcher — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 08:09:10 -0800

What's the best way to make calls from Israel to North America, and to let others from North America call me at little or no expense? I'm moving to Israel. I'm going to be keeping in touch with friends, family, and clients in the U.S. and Canada. There are many ways to do this, but none seem perfect.

Vonage? Has the advantage of being established, pretty straight-forward, and I can use my current number. Downsides: Going under? Quality? Expense?

SkypeIn/Out. I admit it. I just don't get it. I've been through the site and it doesn't seem to be very clear. Is it only for softphone usage?

Unlocked Nokia e61 (for example) with Gizmo Project . In theory, I can have call-in numbers in USA and Israel, which would mean 1 phone for everything. Right? That would be pretty sweet. Though, even if that part doesn't work out, it might be a good deal. But there's a high up front cost, and it's still kinda confusing. Does it really work?

Others : Ooma seems cool, but who knows if I would get my hands on it; Local VOIP providers; Figure it out when I get there. I also just got my GrandCentral account. Don't know if that can figure in somehow.

I'm leaving pretty soon, so if I need hardware, I'd need to order it now. But I'm worried about committing, especially if it means porting a number and then losing it.

Any advice, anecdotes, assurances, or alliterations would be most welcome. I'm a generally bright guy, but this has got me at a total loss.

Calling the whambulance. Whine-One-One.

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 21:49:40 -0800

For the next seven weeks or so, I'm a tour widow. Yes, my boyfriend is going on tour for the first time since we've been dating. How do I stop being such a whiny baby about it? Ever since I found out about the tour a month or so ago, any time the topic has been breached, it's thrown me into an "all consuming sadness" (his words. his ANNOYED words.). Well, dammit, I'm sad about it. My boyfriend's my partner, my companion, my lover, my all around favorite guy. And yes, maybe I'm a little jealous that he gets to go all around the country and not work for a several weeks, but for the most part I'm just - plain - sad. Worried too. About the normal stuff: car crashes, flash floods, alien abduction, accordion-player groupies. Well the groupies part, not so much. I trust him. But still, I guess I'd be a fool not to wonder.

This is his favorite thing to do on earth, and I feel as if I'm bringing him down about it. And he's pretty much told me so. Apparently his former girlfriends didn't care as much as I do, but I still feel like I have a right to be sad at SOME level.

Its not as if he's going to war, gone for a year hiking the Amazon or anything remotely so serious. I have friends, it's a really busy time at work, and even have a little vacation soon. But still, I'm pretty dang depressed. Showing how depressed I am to him is just making him annoyed. And then I get more depressed. Am I overreacting? Should I just act like nothing's wrong so I don’t piss him off more? Any fellow tour widows/widowers with any tips?

Long distance telephone/VOIP options (USAustria)

sdis — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 09:30:51 -0800

Long distance options between USA and Austria (VOIP preferred on Austria end) I'm moving to Vienna and need some (cheap!) means of staying in touch at home.

Current plans:

USA:
-Family mostly uses cell phones (T-Mobile and Cingular), but has landlines. Looking for three options from the US end:
1. Cheap way to chat computer to computer (probably iChat or Skype, I'd guess, but would like input on those options, particularly Skype, with which I have little experience and don't know the reasons to choose it over iChat)
2. Cheap way to call austrian mobile and landlines from the states (via landline or mobile phones in the States)
3. Cheap way to call austrian mobile and landlines from the States (via computer)

Austria
-Will have cable internet and cell phones. No landline. Cell phones plans there seem to have all sorts of configurations, but we will probably end up with a T-Mobile plan that provides unlimited calls to landlines and other cell phones in the same network, and fairly expensive (€0.20/minute) to cell phones outside the network. Looking for three options:
1. Cheap way to internet chat with the states (again iChat or Skype)
2. Cheap way to call the states via computer
3. Cheap way to call Austrian cell phones that aren't T-Mobile by computer

I'm living a Meg Ryan film. Kill me.

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 09:54:32 -0800

I like him. I think he likes me. How do I find out for sure? I'm female, and we're both in our mid- to late twenties. We met over a social networking site a few years back, in a friendship context - it's not a dedicated dating site and I was in a relationship at the time. We bonded over some common interests and as time has gone by, we have become very close.

As the title of the post says, I like him. A lot. We talk very frequently and know all about each other, and I feel we're generally very compatible. We live quite far apart right now but we are both in times of transition and could end up any number of places in the future because of school, work, etc. We've even discussed before how we might end up in the same place at the same time, either to hang out, or even permanently. Because we both have hectic lives, this has been more of an idle discussion rather than a planned event.

Sometimes it feels like there's a distance we purposely keep between us, due to the fear of the dreaded long distance relationship - we stay friends rather than be "together" but apart. I've never been in an LDR, but I tend to be pragmatic when it comes to relationships - he is the same and has remained single the entire time I've known him. But I think I might be getting to the point where the LDR is preferable to the non-relationship. I would like to talk to him about this, as I find myself avoiding even casual dating because I want to be with him. Before I put open up and put myself "out there" - how can I tell if it's the right decision? I know a few people who have met their partners online but usually in a dating context or else it seems like they became a couple nearly instantly after meeting.

If you've met someone online, were you ever in that "non-relationship" gray area? How did you realize you liked each other? What did you do to show them or tell them how you felt? I don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship if my feelings aren't returned. Sorry for the neurotic "does he like me" question, but I would appreciate some advice, particularly from those who've lived it.

MovingFilter

Alterscape — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 12:59:19 -0800

Tips and advice for a long-distance move by car? In about two weeks, I'm moving from suburban Maryland to Phoenix, Arizona for grad school. After looking into the prices for moving truck rentals and professional moving, I've decided that I'll load all my heavy/high-value items (computers, cameras, books, personal papers, etc) into my car, ship light stuff (clothing, mainly) via fedex freight and abandon the bulky stuff (mattress, office chair, ridiculously large CRT monitor, etc) in my father's basement to be yardsaled in the future. Buying new furniture of the low-end student-grade seems more cost-effective than paying to move my current posessions.

My car is old and somewhat beat-up looking -- a 1990 Camry with some visible rust damage, even though the internals are in remarkably good condition -- but I worry that a car packed to the brim with stuff, even stuff covered with blankets and other cheap-looking stuff, still screams 'break a window and take me!' when parked in a cheap motel parking lot somewhere in middle America. Also, I'm a bit worried about the health of electronics left in a hot car. My really valuable gear (laptop, DSLR, etc) will live in my backpack and stay in the hotel/motel with me overnight but I'm worried about heat damage to what's left in my car. I'm also not sure where I should hide/store my personal documents (passport, etc) -- in a firesafe in the trunk or in my backpack, etc?

Beyond that, any other tips for long-distance driving would be appreciated. I've done plenty of one-day long-haul trips, but this'll be my first solo multi-day cross-country adventure.

Can I resell unlimited long distance minutes?

Go, now. Go! — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 17:45:01 -0800

Telecommunications question: Do any laws or regulations prevent me from getting a license to operate as a telecom carrier, buying a few consumer long distance accounts for unlimited minutes of long distance service over land lines, and then using all those minutes to serve multiple residential customers who purchase long distance coverage from me? Assume I have figured out a way that makes this technologically feasible and that I have the local portion of the call worked out and handled separately. Would it against FCC policies or federal/state law? Would I be avoiding access fees that I'd otherwise be obligated to pay for long distance services? I know you are not a lawyer, and specifically you are not my lawyer, and that I should consult a lawyer. But any ideas you have on the question are helpful.

Head games! Not the mean kind.

AthenaPolias — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:19:47 -0800

Point me towards some online games that allow players to link up and play a game together by remote access. Bonus points for things not too mentally taxing, for times when one wants to just veg. I have a very good friend who is very long distance. We talk a lot and keep each other company a lot, but there are times when we may not feel like talking, but still want company. Sometimes a game is a good substitute for conversation. Part of the problem is that we come from different countries, so our knowledge bases are a bit different, which causes an issue with, say, trivia games - anything pop culture is inevitably biased towards one of our home countries, leaving the other person a bit frustrated after saying, "pass" for the eightieth time. Ditto for one of the only online games I know that allow player links: the History Channel's PastMaster, which is an excellent game, but only if you a) like and know some history, b) have the mental energy for such an academic game, and c) can overcome the wealth of British history in the UK edition, or American history in the US edition (much easier when both players come from the same educational system!). Yahoo! games also has other things like chess and checkers, which are great options if one is in a board-game mood. I've got these bookmarked. But what am I missing? And, in particular, what games am I missing that can be kind of mindless (quite unlike chess!)?

Friends to more than friends

slyboots421 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 11:33:08 -0800

I have one of those "movie" situations: A really good friend of mine and I finally realized that we "like-like" each other. When I told my good friend (a mutual friend of us both) she said "Finally!! Everyone has seen it all along except for you two!!" I'm really happy with how everything's happened. But now I don't know how to proceed! Long story short: I met this guy about 4.5 years ago while in college. We worked together at our part-time job and then wound up having the same major and classes together. We're extremely alike, have tons in common, a great relationship all around. We even grew up about 30 minutes away from each other. Well, after we graduated he stuck around here for a while and then moved out of state for a job. He's been back to visit a few times and I've gotten to see him every time. We've already crossed the intimacy threshold a couple years ago, so that part's really not an awkward transition. (Please refrain from commenting on that part of it, it's not what I'm asking about)
So finally it's out there, it's open, when we said goodbye the next day he said "I meant everything I said last night." I said "OK!" and we parted ways.
So my question is - now what!?! I'm a little gun-shy about long-distance relationships, having just been in one that did not end well (even though it was a much different situation). I know I want to go visit him but am a little afraid it would be kind of like overload - just the two of us, instead of dozens of our friends around, in this new "situation" - but then, I know that's an important step to take.
Has anyone made the transition from practically best friends to something more? Everything I found when I searched was about all these extenuating circumstances - "We're roommates" "We don't like each other, we just like sex with each other" "He has a girlfriend" - and we don't have any of those. Things would be terrific if we were still in the same state, that's about the only crazy condition we've got!
I'm interested in peoples' experiences with this transition, and any advice on how to proceed would be welcome!
I'm really not as stressed about it as I may seem, he and I are both really laid back and I know things will be great. I'm just wondering about the success rate of these situations more than anything.

Long distance engagement?

yellowbkpk — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 16:47:33 -0800

She said yes (yay!), but we're 300 miles apart still. What now? So my new fiance (I proposed after reading your comments) and I are engaged but are living yet another long distance relationship. Earlier in our life together she spent a year in Germany and then a year apart while at different colleges, so we're pretty good at living with the distance. We've had a good solid 3 years of together time recently, but once again though, we're apart because she's going to grad school in Minnesota and I'm working in Milwaukee.

She is very reluctant to move to Milwaukee because there are no decent grad programs here in her field. I'm reluctant to move anywhere because my employer is extremely generous both in terms of working hours flexibility and money. Also, I've only been there since we graduated in June, so I'm worried about what such a short stint would look like on my resume.

I feel like I really need to be with her in order to continue on with my life and our relationship, and that I'm willing to get a new job in a new city if I need to, but can the hive mind see any other options that I'm not seeing? Anyone going in between MSP and MKE and want to share gas? Can anyone with a similar experience share their thoughts for a distressed 20-something?

Phone home from Ethiopia

metaname — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 12:45:16 -0800

How much does it cost to phone Canada from Ethiopia? Is it possible to buy a long distance calling card in Ethiopia for calling Canada?