Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with longdistance

Help create more frequent long-distance communication

eleanna — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:29:20 -0800

How can I make it easier for my boyfriend to contact me more often while we are long-distance? So, for the next 6-8 months, boyfriend and I are long distance. He is very good at communicating in person, so I'm not worried about this continuing once we're back in the same area, and I have no doubt that he cares about me, etc., but in the past, when we've been away from each other, he has been less communicative than I would like.

We've talked about it, and it's pretty clearly not an issue of wanting to. Part of it is his living situation (he lives with some good male friends and they tend to get caught up playing video games; he also has very little privacy and problems with the Internet connection extending to his bedroom) and part of it is working situation (he's currently working 2 jobs; 16 hour days). Talking on the phone has been more difficult because he has some sort of horrendous prepaid phone plan that he frequently forgets to refill (or, towards the end of the month, can't afford to).

I would like to talk 2-3 times a week; I have a more flexible schedule so when is within his control. We have been talking more like once every 2 weeks.

We are both on a low budget, me due to being in school; him due to problems finding a job that pays enough to live on. What can I do to make it easier for us to talk?

It's pretty clear after talking with him that it's not a lack of wanting to nor a sign of relationship issues; just...something that is not as easy for him as it could be. I am willing to be creative/spend a limited amount of money (because I have a limited amount) to help.

Complication: It is very important to boyfriend that he be perceived as competent and capable and he typically likes to solve everything himself, so whatever I do needs to be in such a way that it helps, rather than hurts.

Suggestions?

Hitting on people in bars makes me want to blow my brains out.

milinar — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:17:44 -0800

Let's say you remove geography from the equation in finding a potential partner. How would you go about it? So I'm turning 28 in a few weeks. To a lot of people that seems relatively young, but I've lived an long, eventful, interesting life and had a lot of good, crazy times to look back on.

Long story short, I'm feeling ready to settle down a little, take some steps forward in my personal life.

My life is pretty great otherwise, and I'm really happy and grateful with where I am. My love life, however, sucks. And has for a long time. I've had a string of failed relationships, one after another, going back many years. At every step I imagine it will get easier, but it never does. Having money doesn't help, getting in shape, taking care of myself, trying to be happier, nothing helps. Dating still sucks, working at meeting people still sucks. For something so central, so intrinsic to a long, happy life, it's deeply frustrating to have so little success.

Obviously there's a lot of reasons for this, but the biggest one that I point to is geography. I live in Los Angeles. This is a well-documented issue and I won't rehash it now, but being a single dude here is less than ideal. Most everything else about the city I love, though, and I hate to leave just because of the crappy single life.

Fortunately, I'm in a somewhat unique position. The business I'm in allows me to a) take a lot of time off and b) work most anywhere in the world for short or long projects.

It makes me think - if dating here is so bad, why am I still looking here? I can go anywhere I want, for as long as I need to. I seems worthwhile to really put some time and effort into this aspect of life, doesn't it?

So what would you do in my place?

I'm a writer at heart (a better one than I've displayed here, I promise) so meeting someone on the net is probably the way to go, but I'm open to any suggestions, especially specific anecdotal suggestions.

Obviously I could just go somewhere and meet people, but I'm looking for more systematic kinds of solutions. I feel like the haphazard, serendipitous approach that romantic comedies tell us is the way people find someone hasn't really borne fruit, so maybe it's time to try something else.

How can I help my girlfriend who's coming out of depression, without going out of my mind? (sorry, long)

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:27:33 -0800

How can I help my girlfriend who's coming out of depression, without going out of my mind? My significant other is dealing with pretty serious depression, and is, by her account, slowly getting better.
We've been seeing each other for several years, starting as we both were finishing college. She moved home afterward to deal with other medical problems (exacerbated by the depression) and she is currently looking for jobs (kind of. See below).
We've been doing the long distance thing for about two years now, seeing each other for usually a week at a time, every month or month and a half. We've lived together overseas for a few months, about a year and a half ago. Currently, she's working part time at a retail job as part of her getting-better program to feel-like-a-real-person. (Overwork was a major factor in the depression)

Now, she's "looking for jobs", except, after several months, she hasn't really started. She gets panic attacks, anxiety, etc, and shuts down for a few days or a week.
She's seeing a few different doctors (psychologist/physiologist), but is very careful with medication after being put in the hospital with bad combos that exacerbated life-long nasty migraines.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting really frustrated.
She's told me that one of the things that frustrates/stresses her is that she feels that if she doesn't have "progress" to report, then she's failed me, and she's failed us. (on top of her own frustration with "failing" herself.)
Conversely, if I avoid asking how the job-hunt is going, she's pointed out that she's not stupid, knows it's foremost on my mind, and feels guilty for dancing around the subject... aaaand pressured for not achieving tangible progress.

I can't lie and say that being together is not important to me-- after two years of long-distance (the last year of which has been filled with "I'm ready to get my job and move to your city"), I want to be with her... and she's said, pretty constantly, that she wants to be with me. I want to reach a compromise, 'cause it's pretty painful to hear about bad days/setbacks... but be unable to do anything other than say "I'm sorry to hear that" over the phone.

She is unwilling to move here without having her Real job (the one she studied for, busted her ass at university to graduate top at one of the best schools in the country, the one that two years ago had companies lined up at her door... and the schooling for which drove her to work too hard, depression, etc).

On the one hand, I'm trying very hard to be supportive- to listen when she has a bad day, and not ask questions/point out the long-term ramifications for us about another day/week/month of no progress. I really do rejoice in the little things-- when she's had a good day at her retail-job, or worked in the garden, etc.

I love that we both keep coming back to "I want to be with you, I wish you could be here" and that doesn't die when we're around each other (even when we lived together before, or I was in her city for several months, etc).

On the other hand, all I have are words. I trust her-- implicitly, but at the same time, it's hard to ignore the logic of "Well, if you want to so much... just do it."

I don't understand what she means when she says "I wanted to do X today, but felt wimpy." or, "I wanted to do X today, but I couldn't get started."
... to my mind, it's a relatively simple issue-- if you want to do something (simple things, like write an email to a prospective job, check your voicemail, etc), you ... just do it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I realize that some of these issues are facets of depression. But it pretty well sucks to be a part of her life part-time.
How do I stay supportive-- and does anyone have any suggestions?

I mean, we've thought of her moving here. (That's what we both want. It's far and away the best city for both of us job-wise. She spent 4 years here at school. I just got an awesome job a few months ago after a year of looking. Her concerns: she must be self sufficient, and if she moved down here to do a part-time job, like she's doing now up there, she wouldn't actually ever pursue her Real Job... (she insists that moving to a new city requires adaptation, etc ... my argument that when I moved to hers, it wasn't a problem, and I'd never been there before. To my mind, "my" city isn't a new one for her. She's just been absent for two years.) To her, it's a "All I have to do is start looking for the job"... but she's scared stiff... and scared translates into stalled.

I move up there-- which she's told me would make things far worse (her living at home would become far more awkward, she'd feel, in her words, "responsible for forcing you away from my great new job, your school (I'm getting a second degree) and place that you live, and making you come live where all you have is me... which would put even more pressure on me and raise the stakes where I'm already failing to begin with!" (For the record, I love living in random new places. But can't argue with the logic that says quitting my new job and school is a bad idea. ... though it'd be, in my mind, absolutely worth it.)

We've thought of somewhere random. "We could move to Nome, Alaska..." ... both of us hated the idea. So there's a start.

I know that relationships are about compromise; I've tried to point out that I am willing, and very eager to compromise, but our latest read on the situation is that there's no middle-ground-- her coming soon would be against what she feels she needs for her-self/sanity, and my just sitting here waiting for her to wake up one morning and get something done... is asinine, and one of the few things I _really_ find difficult to keep doing-- watching her try the same thing of "Maybe it'll be better tomorrow" for months at a time goes against every fiber of my being. If it's not working try something different..
I know I can't help everything. I know I can't fix everything, and that a lot of this is stuff she needs to do for herself... but at the same time, I want to be an active, supportive part of her life... and not just... on hold.
Followup/further questions to throwaway11001001@gmail.com

Can this LDR work out?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 11:41:51 -0800

Do I end a great relationship because of possible future conflicts? I’m in quite the dilemma. Me and my boyfriend are both in our mid-20’s and have been dating for a little over two years. I recently moved long distance to start up grad school (PhD in Chem, so 4-7 years), while he is still finishing his post-bac, pre-med work where we met. I like where I’m at, as it is a good program and I have a good support system in the area. He is willing to move and would like to come live with me, but the med program here is extremely selective and takes in almost exclusively in-state residents. There are no other medical schools close by either. Also, he is not applying until next year, so it will be over a year from now when we will know where he got into school.

So... that leaves us wondering, what’s next? We could continue doing this relationship long distance hoping that some possible solution comes out of the blue, but should we? And for how long? We are both motivated and a bit stubborn, and neither of us wants to sacrifice our career dreams. However, neither of us wants to break up either. The more I think about it, the more hopeless the situation seems.

Our relationship was really good before realizing the future was a dilemma. We have a lot of love for each other and while I’m not sure it will last forever, I don’t want to have to end it now just because there is a high probability of future conflicts. I know love can’t solve everything, but I can’t stand to end the relationship because of distance. And this question (http://ask.metafilter.com/129042/Gradschool-relationships-and-geography-can-all-three-work) brought another possible dilemma of residency to my attention. Even if we somehow make the next few years work, what about after? I’m not exactly one to follow my significant other around.

Am I prolonging the inevitable? Should I just rip the life band-aid and try to move on? Or do I take a chance on love and do whatever it takes to make it work? Should I just relax and enjoy what we have going right now? Any advice or personal experiences with long distance relationships would be appreciated. I’ll follow up with a moderator if needed.

Happy Birthday! Love, Canada

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:32:57 -0800

Birthday surprise from far away - I need help with ideas for a friend in NZ. I've gone through tons of old posts about birthdays, surprises, gifts, and long distance gift ideas, but nothing really helped.

A good friend is going to school in New Zealand. Her core group of friends (4 others and myself) are in Canada. She won't be home for her birthday in November, and we would like to arrange a great surprise for her. Since none of us will be visiting her before her birthday, it might be difficult to set up a surprise from here. We might be able to enlist her housemate to help, but the less work needed to be done on that end, the better.

What we would like:
- have something "ready" on her birthday (i.e. call her to say happy birthday, then tell her to go look in her closet, or visit Restaurant X down the street - and voila, birthday surprise is waiting!)
- something that won't make her feel more lonely (someone suggested we have a party in her honour and take pictures, then send them to her, but I think this would make her feel lonesome)
- something that isn't too expensive - we're trying to brainstorm now in case we need to mail things or contact her housemate, but the cheaper the surprise the better because we're all close to broke

Factors to Consider:
- she is in Christchurch, and none of us has ever been there so we know nothing about what's around, what might be fun to do, etc.
- she is turning 24
- we have a birthday card that we will all sign, so if we need to use it to tell her something (i.e. "you're going bungee jumping!") we can write it in the card
- she finishes school a week and a half after her birthday, and so we don't want to send large gifts or things she'll have to pack up and take with her when she leaves (she'll be traveling for a month or two before coming home)
- she loves hockey, Canada, outdoorsy stuff, word games, and coffee
- we have sent care packages throughout her time away, so anything she has been missing from home, we've sent to her (she has been away since last November)

Any ideas, thoughts, or suggestions? We're a fairly creative bunch but this challenge has us pretty much stumped.

Thoughtful wedding gift ideas

alice ayres — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 07:09:16 -0800

What would make a good, thoughtful gift for this newlywed couple? My boyfriend's childhood friend decided to ditch the plans for a planned desitination wedding in favor of quickly getting married this past weekend in a very small ceremony (<30 people).

Because of the quick timing (think: hey, what are you doing tomorrow morning?), we were not able to get a gift. After having met the couple for the first time, we would like to get them something thoughtful. I know money could and would help out, but would prefer that be a last resort or an add-on.

About the couple:
Late 20's
He's an aspiring football coach.
She's in the first year of her residency. I think she will be an OB/GYN.
They were in a quasi long-distance relationship, and it will continue to be a long-distance marriage for at least the next 4 years. They will be in the same state (NY), but one will be in NYC, and the other in upstate NY.

I am open to any suggestions because I don't have much to go on either.

We Are The Very Expensive World

rokusan — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:13:47 -0800

Four iPhone users: USA, Canada, England, Mexico. All with different carriers. What free/cheap voice options are there? All right, we've got a little group of four friends. One in USA (AT&T, that's me), one in Canada (Rogers), one in England (O2), and one in Mexico (TelCel). All legit unbroken iPhones registered in their own countries and using the usual App Store(s).

Long distance is killing us all, and conference calls are worse.

With all the IP telephony out there, there must be a better way, so what are our best choices for at least one-to-one voice conversations (is iPhone Skype available in all these countries? Something else?) and ideally ad-hoc three- and fourway voice calls?

Lower priority: text messaging is also stupidly expensive, ranging from the 20¢/msg I seem to be paying for "international texting" (AT&T = whores) to about fifty cents, which is what the UK person is being charged. So a cheaper way to do that would be nice too.

Free is best, but anything cheaper than traditional long-distance is worth considering. Onetime costs or subscriptions... something to stop us from spending an extra $100+ per month each on phone calls to the same three people every time.

Most of us are on the move too much for land-line options, unless they're very portable in an ad-hoc way that forwards.

I'm probably moving. Do I stay in this relationship or do I go?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:06:40 -0800

I'm in a relationship but unhappy where I live and planning to move. My boyfriend may not wind up joining me. Is it better to cut off the relationship or pursue a long distance relationship again for a little while? I'm twenty six and a girl; for the past eight or so years I've been dating this fella five years my senior. He is the only guy I have kissed/dated/etc so my viewpoint's pretty limited. We were for a long while a long distance relationship, and three years ago I moved 2000+ miles to the Southwest to be with him. The time spent with him has overall been a good one; he's one of my best friends and I am constantly laughing and feel more or less at ease with him. There are of course some issues like all relationships, but we've dealt with them as best we can.

The big issue at hand though is that I hate where I am. He keeps telling me it takes a few years to feel settled in, but the climate and the sprawl of the place make me miserable most of the time. Beyond that, apart from the very casual friendships I have made at a night-job, I really have no friends here and it's made things unbearably lonely. So I'm really restless and feeling like I need a major change in my life. We've discussed this big issue a lot and he admits it can be a boring place and he doesn't think I should spend my twenties in a place that makes me sad, so he agrees I should move. But at the same time he couldn't move right away and possibly might not at all. I know it causes him pain to know he's not enough for me so at the moment I've been keeping mum about moving talk until things are a little more concrete beyond the daydreaming and saving money phase.

Things are falling into place that would make it possible for me to move up to Portland, OR; I am self-employed in the creative industry, and I know a lot of creative friends up there and loved the place when I visited. I've found post-college that I need a circle of creative people, and I do need friends. The internet helps, but still it's not the same. I'm saving to make the plunge within the next year, but as I do so I realize that it might be the end of my relationship. And this makes me torn on how to proceed.

Some details/issues/mitigating factors-

-He is a gamer. Big-time. He plays computer games every night, and left to his devices he'd be totally addicted to them. It's practically his only hobby, so it's hard to really do much else together besides eating, talking, sleeping, and watching tv. I would mind this less if we lived someplace where I was more mobile or had other things to do. Right now I work while he games, basically. I work a lot.

-He tends to take me for granted, but at the same time is very thoughtful and helpful when it counts so it does make up for it.

- we own a dog we both love very much, but who is slightly more attached to me. Since I work at home and am her predominant caretaker, I'm pretty certain he'd want her to come with me, although if he really wanted her I would give her to him.

-He has a circle of friends that he's accumulated since grade school, which I would hate for him to lose touch with.

-He doesn't have a lot of ambitions beyond staying above the poverty line and he owns a house that he got when he was 20 and this is his main investment (though it has several big repairs it needs before it could even be sold)

-His job is very much a niche and he's in a job he really likes, although it doesn't sound like he wants to spend his whole career there. Most jobs I've found for him are contract work or else require more knowledge/classwork/a degree and understandably that's concerning to him.

-He is not very motivated these days. Before I met him apparently he was a very angry person and that anger motivated him to work out, do more. But he's more laid-back and forgetful, so things like staying fit or taking classes have been put off here and there. His lack of motivation makes him complacent and sometimes boring. I feel like he really needs something to set him off and start being more proactive in his life, though I'm not sure a breakup is the best way to do it!

-I know he considers me the love of his life; I am not entirely sure I feel the same way. I love him dearly but at the same time sometimes pine for someone creative like me, or to be alone. As is, we are pretty different people and while this is good sometimes I'm not sure he understands me. At the same time this is the only guy I've been with, so part of me wonders if I might be alone for the rest of my life if I break up with him. Not enough to be afraid to go through with it, but I do wonder a little.

I know that there's still time to work this out, but I don't know what to do yet and I will be thinking about this for a while until we start talking about it when it is a little closer to reality. I love him dearly and best case scenario he'd come out to live with me and try something new to shake himself up out of this complacent mood he's been in. But all discussions seem to lead to excuses why that couldn't happen in the short term (the house, job, big change-- valid, but excuses all the same). But I really don't know what he'll do until I do it-- when I go on trips he misses me greatly and feels bored and realizes he takes me for granted. Perhaps if I move on my own and keep in touch in a long-distance way again, he may realize that being without me isn't as good. Perhaps not; it's a gamble. If we are to ultimately break up, I want to do it as kindly and amicably as possible-- he is a good guy despite his flaws, and really this isn't as much about him as it is about me and my restless and lonesome nature. It's not a DTMFA situation or anything. Ideally I want to stay friends with him, but I think he said a long time ago he probably couldn't stay friends with me if we ever broke up, so that's a painful possibility I'm willing to deal with.

So I guess what I'm wondering is what would you do, would you tear the band-aid off, chop off the limb and move on (sort of a be cruel to be kind thing?) Or would you see how things would go for a while in a long-distance format and then decide a little later when we both know more about the situation? I've done the long-distance thing, and it sucks but I know I can do it (whether I want to again, I'm still deciding). I can't decide whether breaking up or staying together for long distance for a bit to see where we stand is kinder to both of us. Either way it'll end up with us both sad for a time, but I'm divided on what will hurt more. And if I do break up with him, I'm not sure how to do it in a way that will sting as little as possible. Making him sad makes me sad, so if you have any advice on that too I'd love to hear it.

I'm sorry that this is long, but I wanted to give details. If you have been in a similar situation, I've set up an email address at ldrtopdx@gmail.com and would love to hear what you experienced or what you might do if you were me. Thanks everyone in advance!

How to deal when there's been more time away than together

Anonymous — Fri, 29 May 2009 11:36:59 -0800

LongDistanceRelationship-Filter: Met, fell in love, knew she had to leave the whole time, now what to do? (long, complicated explanation to follow) I know this question has been asked a million times on here, but it's always nicer to get a little more personalized advice.

I'm a male in my mid-20's. I met a girl in her early-20's a couple of months ago. We pretty much instantly connected and soon found ourselves spending more and more time together. It went from a couple of dates the first week, to three or four the next week, to almost everyday with each other. About 4 weeks in, she professed that she was falling in love with me, and I knew that I felt the same.

Here's the hard part: I knew when I met her that she was leaving soon. She was just finishing up college and was planning to move back to her home state on the other side of the country. Also, she would be starting a new job a few months after that would be placing her in a different location, which she would only find out in a month or two before beginning work.

After we realized that we wanted to stay together, it was concluded that I'd come visit her sometime in the next two months, and then see if we could survive the long distance thing. When she found out where exactly she'll be placed, I'd see when I could maybe come and join her in her new location. It's going to be mostly a "let's see if this can work" type of situation.

I know that both of us didn't plan on this (falling in love) happening. She was looking for some simple companionship when we met, and I was looking for about the same. We each think that the other is worth the hardships that we know come with long distance relationships, and are willing to try as hard as we can to make it work.

There are some things that worry me about this situation. First, it's weird to have this strong love feeling after such a short time. It'll be even stranger when we'll have been apart from each other for longer than we've spent together. I hope neither of us gets too frightened by this fact in the coming months. Second, I've learned that she had just gotten out of a two-year LDR only a month before meeting me. I've told her it concerned me that I was just a rebound relationship for her, but she adamantly says she was completely over that relationship when it ended and that she'd have fallen in love with me no matter when we met. Third, I hope that neither of us felt pressured to act drastically because we knew of the impending separation, that we aren't forcing the LDR or the commitment to each other (or the profession of love) because of a heavy attraction and an upcoming terminal point.

She left today. I, of course, am incredibly saddened by this, but am hopeful that we can keep this going. She's extremely special to me even after only a short time, and we both have very similar lifelong goals and outlooks. I can see myself with her for a long time, which is strange because I've been more or less a commitment-phobe all of my adult life. Point blank, I want to make this work.

What I'm looking for is advice about these concerns, and also on ways I can improve the chances of this lasting. I know most of the things I'm worried about are things that can't be helped (changes in mentalities, her being young and on the cusp of fairly radical life changes, etc.). I know with these things that they'll either work out or won't, but it still isn't comforting me at all. How can I deal with my worries, and how can I help the LDR work so I can eventually get back to this amazing girl? Thank you so much for your advice.

Throwaway email: mefi.questions@gmail.com

Help me find wifi networks. I'm desperate.

pilibeen — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 09:51:33 -0800

Is it possible to connect to a wifi network several miles away from my PC? I recently moved to a street which seems to be an internet dead-zone. The cable company only services people on the main road, and we're just outside of the range for Verizon DSL. The only high-speed option seems to be satellite or Verizon wireless broadband....both too pricy.

There is a library and public wifi networks within 3-4 miles of the house....and possibly some open networks even closer. Is there any way to connect to these? Do I need a direct line of sight to use a directional antennae? Are there any commercial solutions to this problem? Homebrew solutions?

Thanks for the help

We weren't monogamous, but I feel led on and lied to. He's acting like I'm off base. What do you think?

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:44:15 -0800

We weren't monogamous, but I feel led on and lied to. He's acting like I'm off base. What do you think? Last fall, I began a long distance, flirty friendship with a guy who was clear, initially, that he didn't want a long distance relationship.

We started talking for hours a day, for months. He began to tell me he was infatuated with me. After three months of that, he took a week-long trip here in December. We were intimate. He told me he was crazy about me. While he was here, he said again that he wasn't ready for an LDR/to be monogamous, but that if we lived in the same city, he'd want to be together. We agreed, then, that I'd come spend the summer with him.

He went home, and everything continued as before. Two weeks later, after he had gone home, he started talking about his feelings more directly than he had before. He asked me if I knew how badly he was into me, and said that, really, it was "a lot more." He asked me if I was "for real" and when I said I was, he said it made him extremely happy. He asked me what I was looking for in a relationship, and said that I could imagine why he was asking. He said he was obsessed with me and couldn't stop thinking about me. He said that what he wanted in life was to love, and be loved. He said he wanted to be exactly who he was with me and not hide anything. And then he asked me, if he were to move to my city, if it would be "too much, too soon." I said it wouldn't be. He went on to talk about the process he'd have to go through to move, and the timetable it would be on. We planned to see each other again in March.

Exactly a week after this conversation, apparently, he flew cross country to meet/"assess chemistry" with another girl, with whom he was having a similar kind of "relationship," unbeknownst to me. He told me an imaginative and detailed lie about what he was doing that weekend.

Everything continued as before, for the rest of January and February. We had many more conversations about the details of his moving to my city- when he would start a serious job search, where he would apply, where in the city he'd want to live. And we talked almost daily about how crazy we were about each other, how much we missed each other, and how excited we were for his March visit and for the summer. Early in February, he started telling people that he was falling in love with me. Soon after, he wrote me a letter saying again that he wanted to become more serious with me, and expressing hope that we could find a way to make it work.

About two weeks after that, apparently, he told the other girl, while he was drunk, that she should "give serious thought to being in a relationship with him." Later, she asked him if he had meant it, and he confirmed that he did in the days and weeks afterwards.

He continued everything as before, with me. Soon afterwards, a week and a half before he was set to come here for his March visit, he suggested to the other girl that the two of them should move to be together, and that he was start looking for jobs in *her* city.

*FOUR DAYS* after he suggested that to her, he told me directly that he was falling in love with me for the first time. I said it was mutual, and that I couldn't wait for us to be able to start something in my city. He said, "Let's do it. I'm ready to step up." He started talking about how it was only a week until his trip to me, only a month until we could be together, in the summer, and after that, hopefully very little time until we could live in the same city and be together for good. He said I was his primary focus from then out.

The next week, he came for his trip to me. (He told the other girl that he was "going underground" to study for exams.)

A few days after he left, I discovered the situation with the other girl. I found out that she was flying out to visit him two weeks later. And I was scheduled for arrive for the summer about a week after she was scheduled to leave.

When I found out, he canceled her trip, refunded her ticket money, asked me to be monogamous with him starting from then, and told her things were over between them. He apologized to both of us. The next day, he told her he couldn't talk to her anymore at all. He's been swearing up and down that I'm the one he wants to be with, he's sure of it, and he never had "chemistry" with her.

------
I'd like your opinions. I obviously have my own opinions on this, but I'm conflicted. A big part of me is clinging on to this thing I had for all these months, that was such a huge part of my life and so important to me. I had allowed myself to become extremely, extremely attached to him.

To be honest, what I want the most is to somehow feel completely okay about this, so that maybe I won't have to give this up. If that's not possible, I want to be so, so convinced that it was so messed up that I just want out. That's why I'm seeking our your perspectives.

This is the first question.

He's apologized to both of us, for hurting us. But I still have the sense that he doesn't think anything he did was really wrong. His justification seems to be that both she and I knew that we weren't monogamous. And that the two of us were misinterpreting him/misunderstanding the situation, making assumptions, and making more out of it than it was.

I find it insane for him to think either she or I were delusional/off-base in expecting that he was going to move to be with us; that we were headed for a serious relationship and in the process of making that happen. But what do you think? Did he lead us on?

Second question:

After I found out about everything, I told him one of the scariest things for me was that he had told her he'd move to be with her *so* recently. He said his feelings for me had changed/grown immensely in the past month. Looking at the timeline, and how nothing he had *said* to me had changed immensely in the past month, how likely do you think that really is?

My biggest worry there is that, really, he was hoping to create a bigger spark with her, and that he wanted her to visit him before I came to see if that would happen (apparently he knew she wasn't quite as into him as I was).

I feel like I still don't know what he was really hoping/planning.

Third question:

Can I ever trust him?

He says being in a monogamous relationship with me will be different. That he'll be completely transparent, open, etc.

But first of all, I think I have no idea what his definition of honesty is. I worry he's operating under some bizarre definition of honesty that allows him to lie frequently and feel justified and okay about it, and like he's still completely honest. That scares me.

All of his arguments about "technicalities" make me wonder if I can trust him at all, if he'll always be able to rationalize away everything he does.

I worry that like every time I ask him something, or he and I agree to something, I'll have to agonize over semantics and whether there were any loopholes in what we said.

Also, even while we were having that conversation, he was still stretching the truth. I had asked him if what the other girl told me was true, that he asked her to think about being in a serious relationship. He told me he said it once, while he was really drunk, and any talk of it after that was generated by her. Then I found out the truth, that weeks after that, while he was sober, he suggested moving to her city. When I asked him about it again, he said he couldn't remember what he said.
----

I talked to him about this for a really long time, over the course of a few days, and at the end, I felt that I had said my piece and was satisfied by what he said, and was ready to put the issue to rest.

But I'm finding it's hard to do that completely, in just a few days. The issues kept popping up in my head all last night. I hate to start rehashing the topic with him yet again, after I already said I was ready to put it to rest.

I've tried to be completely earnest and sincere here, so while I appreciate the effort of anyone who takes the time to read and reply, please go easy on snarkiness.

helping relieve stress and overwork from afar

kalapierson — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:45:24 -0800

Someone I love is very burned out and is still facing another month of overwork before he gets any real break. Thinking about ways I can help. We live far enough apart that I can't travel to where he is this month, so the obvious material help-around-the-house is out. I'm on a tight budget this spring, so buying anything is pretty much out. The best thing I can think of is making it clear that I'm both listening whenever he wants to talk and not expecting any particular level of contact from him when he doesn't have the time. He knows me as a completely non-judgmental and loving ear, so that's one kind of help.

He doesn't have any way to postpone, lighten or delegate his responsibilities; it just happens to be a month where intense work deadlines and family commitments are intersecting. He doesn't have specific ideas about how I can help at such times.

I know it's hard for strangers to guess from outside, but I'm just looking for any random ideas you have, however small or simple. :)

What does committment mean to you?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:18:52 -0800

How do you define commitment in practical terms in your long-term relationship? Simple question, long-winded backstory... My SO and I are in a committed relationship. We just passed our two year anniversary. SO is currently going to grad school about and hour and a half's drive from where I live. We see each other every couple of weeks or so but mainly communicate through txt messages/quick calls during the day and video skype at night. SO graduates in 2 years, and we will hopefully reunite in the same city at that point. It's very difficult for us sometimes doing the long-distance thing. It's stressful enough sometimes that we don't even want to talk to each other.

SO and I are very different. I always feel like I'm trying to pull any expression out of SO, and SO is often-times backing away. It's very difficult for SO to express feelings and can be very withdrawn at times. I find that when we discuss things involving our relationship, it's often me talking on end for ten minutes and SO going "ok." It's enormously frustrating, and I start to ramble and sometimes say things are off-topic, or are unhelpful.

I often feel that I care more about the relationship and spending time together than SO does, even though my brain knows that SO loves me and just has a very different (if non-existent) vocabulary for expressing love, endearment, etc.

I may be taking a job which will require me to commute, leaving me with about little time to myself: 4 hours a day, in the evening to go to the gym, take care of personal things, and spend time on Skype with SO. I will also have extremely limited to no time during the day to chat/txt/call. In addition, my commute will be in the other direction from where she lives.

This all leads me to have concern for the next couple of years of our relationship. SO is extremely busy with school. Long-distance is difficult enough, but now our schedules will be opposing, and communication is going to be so limited that I worry about how we will keep it up. SO, on the other hand, has absolutely no concern at all whatsoever, to the point where I am thinking, what does this relationship even mean to him/her? (There are other things that make me feel this way, but this post is already longer than it should be.) SO thinks (rightly so, I think) that we need to put our careers before our relationship and we'll just "figure it out." But shouldn't two committed 30-ish adults have a discussion about such things before a decision is made?

I am worried that we are on two separate paths, and have different definitions of "committed." We love each other completely, and do not want to be with anyone else, but what does that even mean? To me, it means we make decisions together; do things together; live together. Put each other first? I don't even know really.

What do you all think? How do you define, in practical or theoretical terms, being committed to your SO? Are there any of you who feel your definition is different from your SO's definition? How does that work?

Throw-away email: committedquestion@gmail.com

Thank you, as always.

How do I balance my career and my relationship?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:53:54 -0800

My romantic partner and I are looking at a potential separation about half a year from now, when I may need to move away for professional school. Help us (me, really) cope! tl;dr version: tips and suggestions for a couple, potentially headed for a potential long distance relationship thanks to career pressures? We are in the lower 48 states of the USA, and in our late 20s. I think the world of my partner, who is really the perfect fit for me in many ways. Fortunately, these feelings are reciprocated (yay!), and we’ll have been dating exclusively for about a year and a half come the potential separation. We are “serious,” and in this for the long haul. Half a year from now, I hope to be holding acceptances from half a dozen programs for professional school. Training is three or more years in length, and this field is strictly hierarchical: higher ranking means unequivocally better career prospects.
Right now, we’re both in $metropolis, and while there are a few local schools, I’ll be accepted at only a fraction. Based on results thus far, I expect to choose between staying and attending middling programs, or potentially moving far away for one of the top programs.

My partner has been incredibly supportive, and tells me to do what’s best for my career. Furthermore, he/she volunteered to move to be with me, after tidying things up here. It would be about a two year lag, to tend to relatives’ health conditions, and save up some money. Despite this, I’m very loathe to put geographical distance between us, even temporarily. Even aside from suddenly getting into a long distance relationship, I worry about my partner relocating to be with me: he/she has a support network of friends and family here in $metropolis, and I worry about my partner’s well-being should that network suddenly disappear. Joining this profession, and attending one of the top programs to do so, has been a dream since childhood. While I realize that only I with my partner, can answer the question of which is more important to me and how to balance the two, does the Hive Mind have any general suggestions for what factors and strategies I should be considering?

The options that I see are:
a) Stay in $metropolis, attend a middling program and continue to see my partner regularly
b) Attend a regional program, potentially much better ranked, which is close enough to $metropolis to be drivable on a fairly frequent basis, and have a semi-long distance relationship, with or without expecting my partner to move
c) Attend a top program far away, getting into a real LDR where I’d only see my partner a few times a year, until they eventually move to be with me

How should we decide which of (a), (b), and (c) are best for us? Is there (d) or (e)? Have any of you been working on teleportation equipment?
I want to be fair to my partner, who has invested a great deal in this relationship, while also making the most of this opportunity to enter a new career, and potentially with a bang at that. If you would suggest that we go long distance after a relationship where we’ve been seeing each other in person very frequently, how do we adjust?

Throwaway email: MeFiLDRquestion@gmail.com

So long, farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye…

inatizzy — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 08:27:10 -0800

When moving away, how do you say goodbye? (And how do you keep up friendships after you're gone?) After living in the Boston area for more than 4.5 years, I’ve decided it's time to leave and travel the world, which I've wanted to do since I was young. I will probably settle in a different city when I return to the US.

I'm going to miss a lot of people here, including a few who I'm somewhat close to. It takes me awhile to get close to people, so I really value these friendships (even the moderately-close or acquaintances, of which there are a lot.) So I don't want to just brush these friendships aside when I leave. I want to maintain a lot of them once I'm back in the US as well as during my trip, if possible. Keeping up email exchanges, or even better, real letters/packages or phone conversations. I just am not sure how to go about instigating that, and then maintaining it when I'm living across the country.

I'm also struggling with how to wrap things up in my last weeks here. This is my first time moving away from a place when everyone else is staying. (My other two moves were at the end of high school and college.) I want to make sure everyone knows how much they mean to me, especially my closer friends, that I'm quite bummed to leave them, that I really value them and our friendship, and that I hope we'll keep up our friendship across the distance.

How is this done? What should I make sure to do, or to not do? Any fun ideas for how to put a nice ending on my time here? I don't want to just slip away quietly and disappear. I want to stay connected to my friends.

Thanks for your advice. :)

How can I make this relationship "healthy?"

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:53:46 -0800

Things with my parents are not good right now due to what I (thought) was a reasonable (although mishandled) decision. I knew it would be hard but wasn't expecting this; how do we deal? I'll try to condense this as much as possible. Basically, I've recently told my parents that I am marrying my long-distance boyfriend of two years and moving to his home, which is an 18 hour plane ride away. They are livid. I am in my late twenties, have already been divorced, and live a good 7-8 hour drive away from them as it is. When I got divorced three years ago they were also angry with me for not quitting my job and moving back near them (as they put it, there is "nothing there" for me where I had been living for the past two years, despite the fact that they live in an area with one of the highest unemployment rates in the US and that I had a good job where I was). The arguments and back and forth got so bad at that time that it really killed any desire I had to move back near them; I felt like they were being incredibly selfish and unsupportive of my divorce and only cared about having me within eyesight, rest of my life be damned.

A couple months ago I told them that I planned to quit my job at the end of the year and move (rather than sign another year-long lease where I am) but that I wasn't sure what would result, but that I was moving back near them for the interim. I was making plans at the same time with my bf, but because of his unstable job situation we didn't know when things would exactly work out, and I figured that I would be with him eventually and that I wanted to spend time with my family before that happened. I did not want to tell my family anything about my bf and I until it was all finalized, though, because of how they react whenever I tell them something I know they don't want to hear. I don't feel like I actually have a very good relationship with my parents because I do not feel like I can tell them anything personal; decisions I make are recieved with criticisms and negativity. I've grown to keep most things from them, and I really think my mom has a better relationship with my cousins (they chat on the phone about just daily life and things like that. My mom and I do not really have that). For pretty much the last year my parents had constantly been making comments about how I wasn't "allowed" to move abroad, and that I needed a local bf. They've met my bf and say they like him a lot, but that he isn't for me. These criticisms have been annoying to listen to, but I mostly ignored them. Rather than deal with them I just kept things to myself.

I realize now that I should have kept my parents in the loop with all this, because they now claim I "tricked" them. It was never my intention, but I can see how they feel decieved. Nothing I say to them now changes this. I have tried to explain to them that I didn't want to say anything until things were finalized, but they insist that I have no regard for anyone but myself and that the only reason I am marrying my bf is to get away from my family. They actually said that I was doing this to get away from them, and they both meant it. I have explained that I love my bf and want to be with him, I have explained that I love them very much too but that kids grow up and start their own families, but they either don't care, don't believe it or aren't listening. The only thing I have done that would make my parents think I wanted to get away from them was that I didn't move back home after my divorce (they cited this reasoning to me). I visit them often enough that co-workers have commented on the frequency of my visits (with the increase in gas it had dropped to about one weekend every month, but it was slightly more often prior to that). The arguments have been awful, the guilt has been worse. My mother claims she will never visit me and made a nasty comment about how now she has yet another way that someone else will dictate the way she has to spend her vacation time. She said she hates my bf's parents and never wants to meet them. My father asked me to really reconsider what I was doing to my mother. And so on and so on--the last few days visiting them have been a cycle of this and it was not a nice experience. I am no longer looking forward to the time I will be spending at home before I move. On the one hand I feel horrible about this--I really don't want to leave my family and it's not my intention to abandon them; however, at the same time I am also getting extremely angry about how they are acting. They say I'm selfish for leaving; I think they're selfish for thinking that they should expect to determine where I live. It's true that I've always wanted to live abroad, but it has nothing to do with them. If I say that, they get more upset. But the main reason that my fiance and I are living near his family rather than mine is that he is much, much closer to his family than I am to mine and they depend on him for a lot more. There is no way I can say that to my parents, though.

To be fair, my mother is going through a lot right now in taking care of her bed-ridden father and a lot of other family issues. I know this is not good timing for her, but I also know that she would act pretty much the same way regardless, but it does make things more stressful for her.

I am beginning to think there is nothing I can do to placate them (short of cancelling my plans, which is not happening) but I am getting to the point where I cannot deal with them not dealing, so what can I do?

Slowing Down a New Long Distance Relationship

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:54:04 -0800

How can I keep a budding long-distance relationship from becoming too serious too quickly? I'm a woman in my late 20s who has recently begun dating a man in his mid 30s who lives in a city about 3 hours away. We'd been acquaintances for a couple of years, and we recently got back in touch. It seems likely that if things go well, we'll be able to see quite a bit of one another; it's an easy trip, and we each travel to the other's city often for work. And I really like this guy.

But we've only been involved romantically for a couple of weeks. And we've already spent two full weekends together. There's not really a way for us to "date" without having these extended sleepovers. We've also been emailing and talking on the phone quite a bit. So it's been several weeks of intense conversations and languishing in bed. It feels as though he's already a significant part of my life, even though we've only been seeing each other for a short time.

Additionally, since when we do see each other, there's a bit of urgency to it, we've both been a little clingier than we might otherwise be. I think that our mutual friends have picked up on it, and so they're treating it as a serious relationship rather than as us dating and getting to know one another.

Again, I really like this guy. But I also don't want to rush into anything and end up moving too fast or getting either one of us hurt. Is there any way to slow down a relationship that necessarily begins with long romantic weekends rather than casual dates?

Dear Grandma!

nomnomnom — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:17:26 -0800

A list of ways to show Nanna she is loved? My Nanna lives on a farm several hours away from me and I am unable to visit very often due to study, work and inability to drive.

I'm after some ways to regularly remind her she is loved and an awesome person. The rest of her family is useless (!) and she has been lonely since her husband died.

What, apart from letters with updates about my life, can I do to show her I care?

I always think of sending her presents, but my grandparents have always been the type of people to accumulate so much crap that they will actually not open a Christmas present for years.

Nonetheless, ideas for gifts are welcome.

I'm looking to compile the Ultimate Nanna Loving Compendium here! My aim is to have enough surprises for the rest of her life. She is so wonderful and funny.

Make new friends, but keep the old

nat — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:05:06 -0800

I've recently moved across the US, away from a group of friends I was close with. How do I keep the group friendship alive? During the last few years I lived on the west coast, I became close with a group of friends. They were at the core of my social life; I saw them 2-4 times a week. However I never developed correspondence with any of them outside of these group meetings.

Now that I have moved to the east coast, I'm not sure how to keep up these friendships. I still listen in on group email lists, but as they are mostly about planning activities that I now can't attend, I don't really feel like I have a place in the conversation.

I don't have any history of emailing or instant messaging with anyone in the group personally (aside from business-y requests such as "can I get a ride with you"). I don't have a phone history with anyone either, but I hate the phone so that's peachy by me.

Any ideas about the best way to keep in touch with a sizeable group when almost all former interaction was in person? Or any ideas about turning a group friendship into a set of individual friendships, if the group one is unmaintainable? I'd feel awkward contacting any one person in the group, but also spammish emailing the lists (and less likely to get a response as it's less personal).

Along those lines, I don't know what protocol is for visiting a group; it's easy to go back when there are large events happening (weddings or whatnot) but I don't foresee any of those soon. Suggestions?

Note: I feel like I'm doing fairly well at meeting new friends in my new location, but I don't want to abandon my old social network. They are all really fantastic people and I'd like to keep up with them, even if I should never be so lucky as to move back out west.

How to prepare to live together again after 3 months apart?

marginaliana — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:08:48 -0800

What should I do in advance to prepare for the end of a short long-distance relationship stint? She's spending 3 months away, and I want the transition back to go as smoothly as possible. My partner will be taking a research trip abroad in the spring and spending 3 months away. I am excited that she's got the opportunity and very supportive of the decision to go. I'm not worried about the time apart (well, okay, I am, but I've read through a bunch of LDR posts here and I have lots of good friends around and projects to keep me busy and letters to write her and so on), but I'm a little worried about how to best reestablish our lives together when she gets back.

We have lived together for over 4 years and been together over 7. We own a home, but have no pets or children. We are both female, if that matters. I will be going over to visit briefly towards the end of her stay, but the rest of the time she will be living alone (in a student-housing type situation). We did long distance for a similarly brief time at the beginning of the relationship, but not having lived together first.

Things I've already thought of:
--I want to try to keep to our existing regular evening schedule as much as possible, with the addition of the daily phone call
--I should remember to dust regularly and I plan to do a thorough house clean the day before she comes back
--I should not get into the habit of going to the bathroom with the door open. :)

What else should I be doing now and while she's gone to help us with the return transition, both emotionally and practically?

long distance car buying -- slightly paranoid and overeager buyer

TayBridge — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 23:47:09 -0800

After months and months of looking, I've finally found my dream car. The problem is, it's a few hundred miles away from me... and my trusted mechanic. Help me make this happen! I'm in Orange County. My dream car is in San Francisco. I really don't mind having an excuse to fly up there; in fact, I'm looking forward to making a weekend of it. The prospect of finally ending my search for a new car and getting a little vacation out of it to boot is proving irresistible. However, I want to make sure that in my excitement I don't end up buying a lemon.

I've talked to the seller (a private seller, not a dealer) and received satisfying answers to all my concerns. I've checked the carfax report, and it's clean. It's been smogged and is registered until next year. If it was in Southern CA, the next step would be to have my mechanic check it out. Since it isn't, is it ridiculous to imagine I'll be able to find a trustworthy mechanic in San Francisco who'll be able to check it out on a weekend on short notice? (Unfortunately, the weekend is the only time I'd be able to get away from work.) Is it better to try to inspect it myself? I'm no expert on cars, but would it be possible to learn enough in a week to be able to determine for myself whether it's fundamentally sound? If it is, I'd appreciate any books or websites you could recommend.

To those who've bought a car long distance-- are there any particular pitfalls you can think of? Am I crazy to go to all this trouble for this car, or should I wait (probably a few months, at least) until one pops up closer to where I live? The car itself isn't rare, but the particular combination of options the SF car has is.

This is my first time buying a car without a parent's help, so I apologize for being so naive / overeager / particular / paranoid, etc. Thank you, Ask MeFi.

Should I stay or should I go now?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 20:00:06 -0800

RelationshipFilter: Do I move out to a new city with my new boyfriend where the old boyfriend lives? Long back story inside. So, for two and a half years in college and a year after, I dated a guy. However, after a year of living together post-college, he got a long term job offer in Portland and I got a short term nursing gig in the middle of nowhere (the pay was good even if the area wasn't), and ex-bf decided he couldn't do long distance, so he broke things off. It wasn't exactly a clean cut, as I hooked up with him a couple of times afterwards in a barely veiled attempt to keep the relationship alive, but the distance effectively kept it from going back to any semblance of a relationship. In the meantime though, I managed to glorify the relationship and how great it had been (obviously there were more problems if he wasn't willing to wait 9 months for my nursing gig to be up).

Fast forward a year: even though I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm socializing and have made a fair number of friends when I meet a great guy here! He's a good fit for me in a lot of ways, but I find myself hesitant to let myself fall for him, as I am still hurt from before. We get along really well and he has a lot of characteristics I've been looking for (kind, funny, chivalrous, etc). We've been dating for about half a year now and yesterday he let me know that his job just offered him a significant promotion under the condition that he move to... you guessed it... Portland!

My current boyfriend says he will stay around here if I want, but I know he hates his job here and would really like to take the new job (plus, it's closer to his family and friends). So, no questions about it, I want him happy and will let him know he should take the job if he wants. The problem is, that although I really like my boyfriend and enjoy his company, I'm not head-over-heels in love yet and I'm also worried that although Portland is a big city, I'll eventually end up reconnecting with my ex... and, well, 'reconnecting.' (I wouldn't cheat, but I can see myself getting close to him and ending my current relationship to once again try to re-live the glorified relationship)

I just re-signed my nursing contract until April, so I'm here until at least then. At which point, I could a. move out to Portland. b. re-sign my contract to stick around here and keep racking up some savings. or c. move back to my home state (in the southwest... I'd only be able to visit Portland via plane) and sort my life out.

So, I guess I have a few questions:
1. Do I risk it and move out with the boyfriend in April? Or do I take one of my other options? I know April is a ways a way, but I have to decide relatively soon so I can get all of the logistics figured out.
2. Is it normal to not be completely in head-over-heels in love after 5 months? Any real life stories or anecdotes are appreciated. Besides a couple casual boyfriends in high school, I've only had the one serious relationship and I was head-over-heels for him in a couple months (I was a young and naive 20 year old... I'm 24 now), so I have nothing else to compare this to. Am I cruel for continuing to date someone even if I'm not sure I want to end up with them forever? And how can I make sure I'm over my ex?

Or am I just overthinking all this way too much?

Thanks in advance to everyone for your advice... no throwaway email account here, but if I need to add more info I'll contact jessamyn (my apologies in advance as well).

How close is too close before you meet someone IRL?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:35:11 -0800

Online dating issues. How close is too close *before* you meet someone in real life? So there's this guy, right. We met online, and we're definitely hitting it off on IM and on the phone. We intend to meet in person once he moves significantly closer to me, which he has been planning to do all along (before he met me). As soon as he locks down a job and a place to live he'll be moving, and to the best of our knowledge this will be by the end of the month, two tops. Until then, we're stuck with great IM and phone chemistry, and pictures of each other we drool over, and little else.

My fear is not that he's going to end up never moving - he just finished college and has been planning on doing so since he graduated. I certainly feel close enough to him already to trust him on this matter. Moreover, I worry about pouring so much of my time and energy into someone I still haven't met, even though we've been consistently hitting it off and I have yet to see or hear a single red flag. We talk online or on the phone usually for at least an hour or two every day and have been doing so for about a month now. We're both quite confident that even if we don't have physical chemistry, we'll still be friends. Yet I still worry, and more than he does.

Are my fears of possible rejection or time-wasting justified, or do I need to just unclench and enjoy the amazing connection we're already having?

Is our closeness unhealthy?

Any insight would be appreciated. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll respond via MeFi mail if you'd like. I'm posting anonymously in the hopes he won't see this. Gulp.

Relationship minefield

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 08:12:51 -0800

Yep, it's another sticky relationship question on AskMe. A recent divorce, a friend of a mother... Now that I have your attention (because let's face it, there's chum in the water)...

I was with the same woman for nearly seven years, married for one. During that time, she cheated on me three times -- once while we were engaged the first time, once later with one of my best friends, and once whilst married (which, naturally, resulted in the end of the marriage).

It was a long and rocky road, and I don't need reminding that I should never have stayed with her long enough to get married in the first place. Suffice to say, it's dead dead dead. She moved out and instantly went public with her relationship with her boy-toy, I filed divorce so fast it caused whiplash.

We tried counseling (at my behest... I'm pretty traditional, and feel like even a shitty sham of a marriage deserves an honest attempt at reconciliation) for a month, but she couldn't much be real about it (my ex is twice diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder). It was apparent at the start that we were pretty well doomed.

That was at the end of April. At the end of May, we moved apart and filed.

This is where this question comes in. At the end of June, I met a friend of my mother's. She's naturally much younger than my mother (she is 27, I am barely 33). We hit it off spectacularly, staying up late into the night talking, and ended up cuddling on the couch.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, a few dates, some makeout, and some rather amazing sex...

This woman and I seem to (too early to know for certain, naturally) click on a level that I never did with my ex-wife. My mother had been pulling for us to hook up for ages, but first she was married, and then I was. I am rather smitten with her, and she is with me. We're not claiming coupledom, or even official "dating" status... We're just sort of leaving things undefined and rolling with the punches. We seem pretty nuts for each other, but I feel awkward about my situation, and she feels a tad awkward about "vulturing" as she puts it.

Here are the problems. Now that we seem to be actually hooking up, my mother seems jealous. Like I'm taking her friend away.

My mother's being around makes things rather awkward for the both of us.

She lives about 3 hours away, in a different city (as does mom). This is good, I think, as it puts some necessary space, time, and distance there...but I feel guilty if I visit the city and don't talk to mom.

It's still so soon after the divorce... Is this a good idea? On the one hand, it's only about two months out since I filed. On the other hand, both through significant introspection and through attending counseling, I can see that the marriage ending was a very good thing, and I feel pretty okay about that.

I need some suggestions for navigating this minefield! (anon, because ex sometimes peruses MeFi)

Poems/songs about a geographically distant beloved?

bubukaba — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:34:26 -0800

What are some good poems (or songs) about a beloved person traveling very far away (from the speaker of the poem/song)? I'm trying to find appropriate things to read or listen to when I'm feeling all soppy about my boyfriend being in Syria for the next few months.

The only ones I've been able to think of are the words to Alasdair Roberts's rendition of the traditional song Lord Gregory and a song my mom used to sing, which is apparently taken from Tennyson. But it would be nice to find some others (and I'm sure there are many better ones out there!)