Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with long

What to do in Montreal?

GlassHeart — Sun, 12 May 2013 23:36:32 -0800

I'll be in Montreal and Longueuil, Quebec, Canada for two weeks. What budget-friendly things should I do there? In a few days I'll be heading off, by train, to Montreal and Longueuil, Quebec, Canada and am not sure what, other than chill with my family, to do there.

I want to avoid doing costly activities and don't plan on spending more than $1000 CAD (I'll likely be spending much less than that).

I'll be spending most of my time in Longueuil, but should also be spending much time in Montreal.

Though I can speak French, I'm not fluent in it. But that shouldn't be much of a problem since I'll be with bilingual family members of mine who can act as translators for me when in very French places (supposedly most of Longueuil is very French) which means I can go pretty much anywhere without worrying much about language barriers. So please don't limit yourself to recommending very English places.

Questions regarding Montreal and Longueuil:

What are some good liquor stores there that sell beers such as Hoegaarden, Duvel and Holsten Festbock? Is Holsten Festbock, a great, cheap German beer (IMO; many beer connoisseurs would scoff at me for saying so), easily found in Montreal?

What are some good vegan restaurants there (I'm not vegan, but my partner, who'll be there with me, is)?

What are some interesting Quebec-exclusive products I should buy there?

What are some must-eat-at, budget-friendly, non-vegan restaurants there (anyone here been to Restaurant Lou Nissart? It's one restaurant I'm considering dining at)?

What are some must-see things there (I hope to snap lots of interesting photos there)?

What are some places that sell high-end colognes like Zino Davidoff or Rochas Man (I want to smell good while there)?

Questions regarding trains:

Do you handle your checked baggage yourself, or does someone else do it for you?

I'll be transferring trains on the way to and on the way back from Montreal . . . do you have to do much walking when transferring trains?

What's it like taking a train across Canada (the train ride will be extremely long and I don't really know what to expect on it. This is the first time I'll be traveling alone and am scared I'll lose my baggage—something which would be a huge bummer)?

Where exactly on the train does your checked baggage go?

Would it be stupid of me to bring expensive (closed) semi-portable headphones with me on the train (I've cheap, high-quality "beater" headphones that I could bring with me. But they're open, leak a ton of sound and I'm quite certain they'd annoy people on the train which would prevent me from getting use out of them)? Would there be much risk of them breaking on the train ride? I fear I'll be bored out of my mind if I don't bring headphones with me . . .

Seeking long lines...

Anonymous — Sun, 12 May 2013 19:44:10 -0800

Do you know some long-wait presents? I am planning an anniversary gift, and I would like to show that I want to be with this person for a long time. I am interested in signing up for some long wait tours, experiences or gifts. I am thinking of things like the Canadian flag at parliament hill - a 25 year wait list, but anything >1 year is good. Bonus points for NZ and Canadian things due to nationalities.

Where can I buy leatherworking supplies and leather in Long Island?

lettuchi — Wed, 01 May 2013 13:57:13 -0800

Where can I find leatherworking supplies and leather at a storefront on Long Island, preferably Suffolk County? All I've found are hat shops or defunct addresses. Hi all,

I am looking for a store front where I can buy leather working supplies and leather sides/hides on Long Island, really it should be Suffolk so I can drive there. Thanks for any help.

How to get to the same place in a medium distance relationship?

meb123 — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 22:32:14 -0800

I live in a major east coast city and my boyfriend of almost two years lives in a much smaller city 2.5 hours away in another state. We are both in our late 20s. We see each other almost every weekend - he has a car, and I take the bus. We have lived like this for the entirety of our relationship. Our relationship is great and we're very happy together - we agree we want to live together, get married and have kids. We've known this from pretty early on in the relationship, but have always struggled with figuring out how to close the distance gap. At the New Year, we agreed that by the end of this year we would have figured out how to be in the same place if we were not there already, but the same arguments are flaring back up. I have a great job which I love. I don't see myself in this city forever, but the places that I could move to and keep progressing in my career are limited to more urban areas. I don't feel that will be the case forever, but right now I'm in an important growing phase of my career and feel it's important that I take advantage of the opportunities and growth that come with big cities, especially since I've worked so hard to get where I am now.

My boyfriend has grown to hate his job/industry. Almost all of his work experience is in said industry, so getting a job in a new area is difficult and he feels that his options are extremely limited. Living in his town is not an option for me, personally or professionally. We had recently decided that grad school was the best option for him (the field he wants to go into is one of the few where jobs are growing and graduate is employment is very high), so I made a list of areas of the country I felt like I could get a good job in, and from there we made a list of schools. The plan was for him to enroll in Spring 2014 and for us to move to the same place.

About a week ago, one of his friends offered him a job at his company. He was super excited (and I was very happy for him) to have an out from his current job which has long hours and some weekend work for a less stressful job that would allow him to focus on getting into grad school. But this has quickly turned into 'maybe this job will let me build a career in this company and then I won't have to go back to school'. That would likely mean 2+ years where he is now - a year+ longer than we had planned. My boyfriend says that's not what he would want and of course he would try and transfer to be in my city, but that in the long run he feels like it would leave him in a better position and in turn is good for our relationship. He said he would do the weekends only thing for 15 years if it meant being together for the rest of our lives.

I look at it very differently. I am frustrated we are not in the same place already, it's been the cause of arguments and stress in our relationship many times prior to agreeing on this end date. I don't doubt my boyfriends intentions - truly - but I feel like there will always be some more ideal option, and that at the end of the day if we want to be together we need to make that happen, not expect everything to magically align. His view is that it's easier for me to say that since I'm happy and successful in my job, that he feels like a failure and wants to do the right thing for us in the long term and couldn't get this job where I live now. He then gets upset that I wouldn't move to where he is for two years and says it's unfair for me to get upset if I'm not willing to do anything. My response is that I'm very willing to do a lot of things, including moving across the country with him, but I'm not willing to move to where he lives (something I've said from the beginning of our relationship) and I'm not willing to do distance for another 2 years.

I completely empathize with his position, but feel strongly about my needs. I want to be supportive, but I'm finding it impossible to be supportive of a situation that I can't imagine working for our relationship. Then he gets defensive and just says he will stick to the plan and look for schools, but he doesn't think he should have to let this opportunity go by.

We're at an impasse, and I need some advice on what to do, even if it's that I'm wrong and selfish and should move! I don't want to break up with my boyfriend and I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm resented, but I'm beginning to think that those are my only two options. :(

Hey Zoltar, how will our house will apprase?

waterisfinite — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 10:03:51 -0800

How likely are these particular conditions of our home to affect an appraisal? Additionally, is there a significant benefit to addressing these condition concerns prior to appraisal for the purposes of a refi? Very long winded details inside… We own our home in Nassau county, New York and are looking to refinance or modify our mortgage. We have only owned the home for 2 years so have little equity in the home though we do not believe we are underwater.

We live in an area that’s slightly tough to get comps for. Our neighborhood is split between a few different school districts, so that our home is in an award winning district, while a block away, homes are in one of the worst districts in the county. This significantly impacts home prices.

We bought our 1930’s era home for $300k in 2010. The home appraised at $325k at that time, while it was in slightly poor condition. We would need our home to appraise for $290k in order to qualify for a decent refi without PMI. Zillow (who I don’t trust) estimates our home is worth $10k less than that. Our local tax assessment noted our “Fair Market Value” in 2009 at $370k, in 2010 at $305 k, and from 2011 through 2013 at $277k. I have no idea whatsoever how our county makes these assessments (they have certainly not been inside our home since we bought it in 2010), nor how they affect appraisals.

We have done some updates including:
• Refinishing or installing hardwood floors in every room but the kitchen & bath
• Updating & enlarging one bedroom so that there’s one clear “master” bedroom (it’s got a walk in closet, though it doesn’t have a bathroom!)
• Updating the boiler & furnace (but NOT the pipes)
• Converting from oil to gas
• Installing appliances where there were none (dishwasher, washer/dryer, etc) & updating old kitchen appliances
• Landscaping front & back the yard, installing privacy fence, repairing grading issue in the yard which mostly fixed the issue of water getting into the basement..
• Installing driveway (there is no garage)
• Replacing 1930’s era steep staircase. This issue is tough – the original stairs were not to code, but were grandfathered in. They were absolutely unworkable, so we replaced them with a lovely custom staircase which allowed us to create an upstairs hallway with a gorgeous banister. However, due to the extreme space limitations, the treads are about ¼” short of current code. We made the decision to do this without permits. We have a particular worry that an appraiser will notice this!

What we have NOT updated/ Condition concerns:
• The crappy aluminum siding (it got worse in the recent hurricanes)
• The only full bathroom got some paint and updated small fixtures but is essentially still a crappy 1970’s bathroom
• The kitchen got new appliances and fresh stick-tile flooring but still has crappy 1980’s cabinets and counters.
• The basement remains crappy and unfinished, but DRY! (It can never be legally finished due to height restrictions)
• In the unfinished basement, there is a half bath. When we took out the old oil tanks, we had to remove the walls of that bathroom. They have not been replaced – does this mean this bathroom is not considered a half bath any longer? We would be willing to spend a few bucks on sheetrock to rough in some walls if it will significantly improve the appraisal.
• Our chimney has a crack in it. We are not likely to repair it before our refi.

There are only 3 comps sold in the past 4 months in our area & school district:
• A home with a 1 car garage, central air and completely new Kit & Bath, plus 3700 sq ft more yard sold for $389k.
• A home with a 2.5 car garage, one more full bath than we have, a finished basement and 1,000 more sq feet of yard sold for $352k.
• A home with one less bedroom, a 1 car garage and a recently done Kitchen & bath sold for $375k.

TL;DR: What issues with our house might affect the appraisal enough to attempt addressing them before refinancing? For example, poor siding conditions, crack in chimney, and other seemingly unfinished aspects of the house. There are limited comps in our area to compare to, but I feel we may want to move quickly since a few good comps have sold recently. What level of renovation is required to have our creepy basement toilet area considered a half bath on the appraisal, or will it not be considered because it is an unfinished basement?

And if you have an instinct for these things, do any of the very long winded details I’ve provided make you think “Hell yeah, your home will appraise for $290!” Pretty please?

Can you help me, I'm loved up over someone Down Under?

Callicvol — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 04:47:15 -0800

How to bring a Melbourne woman a little romance from half a world away? I live in the UK, my SO lives in Melbourne. Unfortunately we won't be together again until July. Suggestions for something I can do from ten thousand miles away to bring a little romance into her life come February 14th? Any Melbourne shops, businesses, experiences, clever ideas that might be a little bit special and arrangeable from here? Many thanks.

Finding out where a cell call is coming from

youdontmakefriendswithsalad — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 14:25:07 -0800

I have been getting annoying and possilby disturbing calls from an old friend. I looked up the number and it's registered as a cell phone with an out of state area code. However, since it is a cell, the person could still be placing those calls from the local area. I called my phone provider and unsuprisingly, they couldn't help. Is there another way to find out the physical location of the caller?

Possible long distance relationship with military man....advice

love2much — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 12:33:19 -0800

Hoping for advice, encouragement, discouragement, honesty, etc. I just ended a marriage (shy of one year) last year and am newly single as of four months, I was in a 6 year relationship which ended because I realized my ex was not faithful and continued to question our marriage. Being able to step back and analyze the marriage I am now able to see it wasn't what I thought it was ever. I am happier than I have ever been, in therapy still and re-building my life. I have been on a couple dates and have been keeping myself busy with sports, social events and getting out there with friends to meet people. A chance encounter a month ago with a stranger which has led to the possiblity of a long distance relationship is why I have come here for advice.

We had an instant connection, if I could write down everything I would want in someone he would be it. I know, nobody is perfect and I have only known him for a month, so there are flaws I am sure of it. Here is the problem, he has visited me once two weekends ago, and stayed extra after I met him in December- he is military and will be stationed 4.5 hours from me for 3 years. (I am 29, he is 34). Everything about our goals, aspirations, dreams, likes, wants, etc. mesh well, we feel like we have known eachother for years, talk every day, he is an amazing person and makes me feel like a princess- someone I know was put in my life for a reason. He is someone I would wait for. My question is, is this do-able? Will we fall out of love because of distance and then I have wasted more of my life... we are still new so we both want to see as much of each other as we can to get to know each other better, and we have talked about being faithful to one another while we are doing this, and have agreed to try to see one another every 2 weeks or close to it. If we continue on this path for a few months and feel closer than we do now, is this a bad idea to go from divorce to an LDR if you are sure this is the person for you? Anyones thoughts/experience. As backround, we have talked about the possiblity of a future, I know he is ready to settle and be committed with one woman, he is so open and honest with his feelings and how strong they are for me and his hope that we can continue to get to know each other.

My internal dilema is, how can I pass up someone that may be the one- but then I ask, do I need to be with someone who is physically near me at this moment. I am a very strong and independent woman and have called the distance (at the moment) a blessing because it has given us the opportunity to really talk and get to know one another, set boundries, talk about our feelings, and for me to continue to learn about myself on my own. I know I would be strong enough to handle a military relationship (ps- he retires in 3 years and will not be re-inlisting and there is always the chacne of deployment in those 3 years). Thanks for reading everyone.

Shipping a soundbar

dhens — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 16:02:35 -0800

How to pack a soundbar? I have become the owner of a hand-me-down Vizio VSB200 sound bar. I want to ship it (or check it as a bag) to move it from my mom's place to my own place, but she does not have the original box. Given the... unusual dimensions of the piece, can anyone recommend where I could pick up a box which would fit it?

39.63" wide
4.67" tall
4.26" deep

11.68 pounds.

(I will be packing the mounting brackets and such in my suitcase.)

I like him a lot, but I don't feel like I have much to give in a relationship. He wants to wait, I have PTSD and I'm not so sure.

proximacentauri — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 15:22:14 -0800

I like him a lot, but I have PTSD don't feel like I have much to give in a relationship. He wants to wait, but I'm not so sure.
So I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder in early july and I met this great guy little less than two weeks after that. It was a random encounter over the internet. We have been talking almost everyday since, but I don't feel ready to meet him at all. My plan was if we are still talking after a year, then we could meet. that's what I'm comfortable with.

The relationship has gone from fun and carefree to more serious lately. We both admitted to having feelings last month and its clear that this relationship has romantic potential. I like him, we relate to each other well, share values and laugh a lot. He's quite dreamy actually. But hes so much more open about himself and he talks much more about things than I do. I'm distant and it happened before that I made myself unavailable on purpose for a few days (kind of a lame move I know). He picked up on something being off, and he said he wanted to be there for me. I told him I liked him a lot and that I didn't intend to break things off but that I needed space and wanted to try a short break. He had an emotional reaction, I could see he was tearing up a little and that caught me off guard. I understand that caused a lot of uncertainty and came out of nowhere for him. Of course though he respected it and we took little more than a week apart.

He's understanding and he knows about where I am right now. I explained about my disorder when I couldn't go with "fake it till you make it" which was my choice of behavior at first when I though it wouldn't last. Let's be real, long distance we-met-on-the-internet stories don't have the highest odds of success.

Since we never met in person and live in different countries (I'm canadian, he's british) I want to keep things friendly and ease up on the emotion side of things, maybe focus on really getting to know the person more than making thinks fluffy and romantic. He dosen't seem to share those views. Also I don't mind being exclusive to him, but I mind the official label, so we discussed it and came to an understanding. He needs/wants me to open up and, well, I feel a bit smothered. He does caring things like phone on a regular basis, sent a christmas gift (so did I) he sent flowers on my birthday and once "just because". Its a really nice gesture :) He mentioned me to his friends and close family, I did too, but they are very protective of me and disapprove the whole thing. Which dosen't help the relationship at all.

Don't get me wrong though, it's still awesome and I feel really lucky, I've never had a guy pursue me like that before and I think he's great. the thing is, I don't know how to react, I'm extremely ambivalent towards relationships, I take a long time to get to know people, I really don't open up easily. I don't enjoy talking about myself really. I've had issues in relationships for that before; me being too laid-back, bit distant, even not jealous enough I've heard. I like things to be low drama. I may have intimacy issues. I've been through abuse before so I guess that has something to do with it all. I plan on going to therapy over the next months for the whole ptsd thing. We talked about this, he says he wants to wait for me to be ready. But me being ready wont magically mean it will all work out.

Basically I'm glad we're apart, he's not. I feel it's going a bit fast, he feels the opposite. So whats the deal? I worry about his feelings and I want to make it obvious that I do care and want him to feel special. But I already feel like I'm pushing my limits on opening up and being there.
Is this a recipe for disaster or making it up to him until I feel ready is worth a try?

Family vs. Career

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 13:47:27 -0800

Is it more important to be near family or to follow career developments? Snowflakey existential question that needs review. I am a 25 year old female - I've worked at my current job in my hometown for 2 years. Before that, I worked in two other major cities on the other coast of the US for one year each. Generally, I have a habit of moving around a lot.

I'm pretty dissatisfied with my current job, but there aren't many opportunities in my current town. I live about 20 minutes from my family, which makes living here a pleasant experience. I can definitely see myself putting down roots here, eventually.

However, I have a job opportunity that will take me across the country again. I'm having a hard time reconciling whether to accept the offer.

Although I love being close to my family, the thought of a stagnant career that I'm unhappy with is depressing, and there aren't many other opportunities where I'm currently located.

Can anyone relate stories of going through something similar? What tipped the scale for you one way or the other? I'm struggling with direction.

Best Long-Lasting Products Evar

captainawesome — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 21:16:09 -0800

I'm tired of buying cheap stuff that doesn't last. Instead, I'm trying to buy better, long-lasting products, even if they cost a bit more up-front. Since it's not always obvious where to find them, I'm querying the hive. What are your favorite well-made, long-lasting products, in any category? This particular question was brought on by a sweater (looking for one for my dad for Christmas) but I'm constantly facing this question with different products. I'm sure there's great, well-made stuff to be had at the mall at Target or whatever, but mostly I don't have any interest in digging through the huge piles of cheaply-made crap to find them. Instead I'd like instead to find the hidden jewels - places that make fantastic stuff, and sell mainly online or via word of mouth. Often the prices aren't even much higher!

My dad's sweater inspired this question, so if you can point me towards sweaters, that's great. But I'm looking for this kind of recommendation for any category of products. I've seen somewhat similar questions for bags and wool coats, for example, and a SFO company just got a nice profile in Slate making hoodies with this philosophy (and in the USA, too!). That's the kind of thing I'm looking for... with any great products you recommend. Thanks!

Our car is taking a nicer vacation than us

cakebatter — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 11:06:09 -0800

Where is the cheapest long term parking around the San Francisco Intl Airport? We will be flying out of the SFO airport on a 3 week trip soon, and would like to figure out where the car is going to go on its own budget vacation as right now its tastes are quite expensive.

The airport is about 3.5 hours away from our house in Sacramento, and since both the outbound and return flights are in the middle of work days, we can't really want to ask a friend to drive 7 hours round trip and take off two days of work to give us a ride.

Public transportation seems.. non-continuous, slow, and expensive, for this particular trip, especially since we will have bags for 3 weeks of travel and our first flight is at 11 am which means we have to be at the airport pretty early in the morning. I am open to other opinions though, from those who know Sac and SF public transportation well, as that would be the ideal solution! I miss living in New Jersey where the NJT would just pick me up a quarter mile from my house and barf me out right at the airport.

It looks like the flat rate for most parking lots around the airport are about 18$/day, so I'm looking for your tips and tricks in reducing costs for long term SFO parking and any personal experiences making it cheaper! We are also interested in staying at a hotel by the airport and parking our car there, so any advice on lowering those rates is much appreciated.

I get the feeling that non-standard airport parking may be very difficult around the holidays, but hey, worth a try! Thanks.

Can you really be addicted to a certain kind of sadness?

entropy33 — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 07:39:44 -0800

Can you really be addicted to a certain kind of sadness? Ugh...I hate that song. My boyfriend has serious intimacy issues but is trying to work on them. I feel intermittently insecure/frustrated/sad/angry and I don't know how much longer I can take it... Backstory: dated a guy from college through my mid-twenties. Great guy, though lots of trouble early on - first real relationship for both of us. Moved together to attend grad school but he was incredibly depressed and had been for years and we'd started drifting apart, not being physically intimate, etc. I broke up with him, had a rebound, which I'm not proud of as the guy was a really good guy and I hurt him a lot. Then I met someone I fell totally and completely in love with. He had...a lot of problems, though. Untreated bipolar, manipulative, not very nice to the point where he was certainly emotionally abusive. We lasted 2.5 years, much of it long distance and it really killed my self-esteem. He finally broke up with me (just as I was defending my dissertation proposal and moving to a new city to do my dissertation research, so that was rough) but we stayed in touch off and on for another 9 months because he wanted to be friends and I couldn't let go.

Then I finally decided I couldn't handle it anymore and went no contact for real. I didn't tell him, I just did it. Since the breakup I'd dated a little, but nothing could stick. Right before I finally ended contact, I started hanging out with this guy I liked quite a bit. He was fun and funny and personable but he had this air of sadness and, imo, hidden depths. Turns out he'd been recently dumped by a women who'd strung him a long for over a year, including periods of actually being together. I know this woman and she's actually pretty cool...just emotionally unavailable. So the guy and I started hanging out, having deep, emotional conversations about our pasts and our issues. Admittedly, mostly we talked about him.

Eventually we hooked up and it was pretty good. Then he went cold and distant. For a month. Then we hooked up again and the deep conversations ramped up and we started doing really fun things together. It's been on and off for a year now, even though we currently live in different cities. And it's been pretty bad. He's a borderline alcoholic, clinically depressed (though treating it), hates his job and his life though actually his life is really pretty good. He makes a lot of money, he's in good shape, he has great friends though he keeps them at a distance and has a tendency to lash out at the closest ones whenever he's drunk. I've been the recipient of the worst of the lashing out. He's gotten black-out drunk and called me names, he's lied to me and lied to his friends about me and probably worst of all, we had somewhat unprotected sex for many months before he told me he had herpes (I didn't get it, though that doesn't really make it any better).

All along he's said he's not ready for a relationship, he can't handle a relationship, he's not sure he loves me, as he's never been able to love anyone, he's not yet over his divorce of 7 years ago, he has abandonment issues because he's adopted, etc. Listen to people when they tell you who they are/what they want. I know. Of course, whenever I'd back off, he'd chase me, hard, sucking me back in with some weird combination of his pain and misery and ability to make me laugh.

He has strung me along, no question. He wants me and loves being with me but he's so messed up (he says) and isn't sure he'll ever be capable of a real relationship. Yet things have gotten much better recently. He's much more open about the fact that we're seeing each other (he used to hide a lot of our interactions from his friends), he always responds to texts/emails/chats/calls (though he still doesn't initiate all that much), he's generous and sweet when I visit him, and, most importantly, I think, he says he really wants to work on his intimacy and communication issues. He says it. But I'm not sure he's really doing it. It's still excruciatingly hard to have any conversation that touches on emotions with him. He just gets defensive and withdraws.

He depends on me very much for emotional support and I depend on him for...I don't know. I don't know what I get out of this or why I've stuck with it for so long. He's funny and can be sweet and he's good in bed and a great cook. He obviously does care about me when he's not being incredibly selfish and self-centered. He tells me I'm one of the smartest, most interesting people he's ever met, which has been really nice to hear, given the way my emotionally abusive ex would constantly put me down (he was a a professor, I'm still a lowly phd student...but mostly he was just an unkind, unhappy person). But current ex is not intellectually curious, he refuses to ever initiate plans (though he'll latch onto other people's), he's lived in one place his whole life, has never gone on a trip alone, he says he wants to do more than exercise and get drunk most nights with his friends...but he doesn't.

So what's my problem? Why is it so hard to let go of an alcoholic 38-year old who's caused me so much pain? Am I just emotionally unavailable myself? My 3 most significant relationships have all been with people with serious problems being emotionally open and generally a tendency towards serious depression, which should perhaps tell me something. But I love him, I really do. Maybe I'm addicted to the intermittent positive responses or to the signs of progress, tiny and incremental as they are. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm really frustrated with him and with myself and I need to do something about it.

Thank you.

Long term memory loss, not sure what to do and need help

johnx — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 17:36:37 -0800

For a while now, maybe several months or so (this only proves further how terrible my memory is) I have been experiencing long term memory loss. I have great trouble remembering my childhood, places I've been to, anything at all that i learned in school a year or two ago. I always forget what I say to people even a few weeks ago. They will talk about something I said or something I did and I won't remember. When I go to bed, the hours just before become unknown to me. When I try to remember what happened in the last hours of the night it is all foggy and fragmented. This is not something I normally experience, especially all the things I've done with family and friends, I can barely remember anything and it makes me very sad. I have become extremely frustrated about this and contemplated suicide to escape my shitty brain (no, I'm not a suicidal person so no one need freakout, I don't plan on doing it or anything). I WANT TO REMEMBER! But I just fucking can't and it makes me want to punch a wall in. I can't remember fun times with my father or mother or my grandfather who passed away.

Could it be the alcohol? I am not an an alcoholic, I never really get very drunk, and I usually only drink 1 or twice a week maximum, normally once every two weeks or so. Could it be the small number of times I took valium or oxycodone, the 5 or 6 times I smoked pot? I don't know.

To make matters worse I can't exactly approach my doctor or a therapist (which I've only seen twice months ago but I stopped going) about this because then I'd have to admit to prescription drug abuse (stolen from my family) and also stealing alcohol from my family to drink alone in my room. I don't exactly think my drinking is a problem. I never feel like I need a drink or anything like that and I really don't drink huge amounts when I drink either.

I don't know what to do but I need help, I feel like my brain is melting away like melted cheese and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't go to anyone. I'm trapped in my own head. I thought I may be depressed but I have no fucking clue what that means, how am I supposed to know? Someone please help me I just want to remember it all.

Seeking a fresh new 'do!

sundaydriver — Sat, 20 Oct 2012 12:42:03 -0800

What kind of haircut or style might breathe new life into my boring old curly hair? Pics inside! I've been growing it out for years, but it just hasn't fanned out into the lush mane I'd imagined :( I love the curls, and it's super healthy, but something's gotta go: either the length, style, colour or all.

Snowflakes: I've done bobs to death, as it was my go-to haircut for years. Anything new I should consider?
-I'm a teacher in my 30s, so I'm not inclined to do anything crazy, but I'm so so bored with my hair, and I'm ready to experiment a bit.
-I lean toward low-maintenance: I wash and diffuse a few days a week, and pin it back or bun it other days. I know--boring! But I'm willing to put more effort into a good, flattering style.
-My hair is actually very thin and fine despite the curls, and doesn't hold volume, especially at the top. This limits what I've been able to do with it, long or short.

I've included some pics to show that everloving bob I had for years, and my hair in it's current state and usual style. Any ideas for a fresh and flattering change?

Thanks very much in advance!

How to resolve rational/emotional conflict over temporary LDR?

supernaturelle — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 18:50:23 -0800

My serious partner and I are not going to see each other for about two months, and its causing intense depression for me. Is this period of long distance in my serious relationship an opportunity to work on improving myself and fixing the mental health issues it triggers? Or is the difficulty I'm having a sign that I'm not cut out for this kind of relationship? Help me think this through and make the right decisions! Here are the details:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I am in my mid-twenties, he is in his early thirties. We are both musicians and both have moved about once a year for most of our adult life. Our lifestyle is alternative enough that marriage and having a family are not active concerns for us at all.

We've lived together for about a year and a half of our relationship. During this time, we've had our struggles and most of them were because of cohabitation: we both do creative work for most of the day, everyday and neither of us work regular jobs, so living together meant that we were literally in each other's presence all day, everyday. We get along extremely well, but this close proximity started eating away at our individual pursuits, especially in the form of our large-scale creative projects. We both started feeling very restless and depressed, confused about how we could be so in love and be so compatible but still feel a constant undercurrent of resentment that would manifest in bad moods and occasional fights. Luckily, we've figured all of this out and are consciously making sure that we both get the space we need to do the things we need to do.

Boyfriend has about 3 full-length records waiting to be produced that he's kept on the back burner since we started dating that he is now turning his attention towards. He has found an absolutely perfect living situation that is cheap, flexible and also involves access to recording/production resources that he otherwise would not have. I have taken a job for the fall semester that I have always wanted and am enjoying it immensely. It pays well, but it is only part-time so I have a lot of free time still. I also have a recording project that I've been putting off for about a year that I'd like to complete. Our individual living situations for the next 3 months place us about 12 hours of driving apart. After the semester is over, we have plans to live in the same city again and maybe live together if all of his work is complete. We'll visit each other in late October.

When I am feeling relaxed and secure, I feel good about what we are doing. I am happy that our relationship is built of respect for each other's needs and I am proud of what we are doing individually. There is some quote by Rainer Maria Rilke that suggests the ultimate goal of marriage is to become the protector of each other's solitude (sorry for butchering that quote, can't find my book at the moment). I find this sentiment to be so beautiful and inspiring that it makes me shed a tear! In other words, I like this situation. Rationally.

Here's the problem:

No amount of rational Rilke-reading can keep me from becoming a sobbing mess about 2 or 3 times a week. I am not good at being alone. I'm having deep, deep trouble with this separation and I can't think my way out of it. When I feel upset, it doesn't even come from anywhere in particular - it starts as a physical feeling in my chest and I spend the next half an hour trying *everything* to keep it away, but eventually I break down in tears for anywhere from 20 minutes to a couple hours of on and off crying. Even when I'm not acutely upset, I'm having a lot of trouble focusing. I had to drop an online class I was taking and have barely touched my music gear. I go on trips to visit friends every weekend to try to keep myself busy.

What is confusing and distressing to me is that when I am depressed and upset, I feel like I can't handle this situation for another minute. I often feel like I should bail on the relationship because I am not strong enough to endure the separation and it is distracting me from my own goals. I KNOW these are extreme negative thoughts, but the pain I'm feeling is real and the thoughts do sort of make sense on a rational level: if I'm suffering so much, I should change something I can control to make me suffer less. I don't feel particularly nervous that my boyfriend is going to leave me, I don't worry AT ALL that he going to cheat on me. There isn't anything in our relationship that I can blame this on. He texts me throughout the day and we talk on the phone every couple of days, which is fine with me.

I realize I'm anxious and depressed. I wasn't like this before my boyfriend left (he's been gone two weeks), but I have been like this on other occasions when he's gone on trips for more than 4-5 days, so its not a huge surprise. I have contacted a therapist, but it looks like I won't be able to talk to anyone for a couple of weeks. I feel like all of my energy is going towards keeping myself on an even keel. I'm dissatisfied with what I'm accomplishing right now. I feel so confused.

---Am I going to feel better, or am I a person who just can't be alone for extended periods of time? If its the latter, do I do my best to take life day by day until we get back together, or do I bail on this relationship so that I don't waste three months of my life getting nothing done?

---If things are going to get better, how do I deal with these urges to give up that I'm having now? I already rationally support this situation, but the feelings I have are so intense that I can't think my way out of them. Should I contact my G.P. and try to get a script for Xanax or something?

I want to be OK with these next three months so bad, and my rational-brain is. My rational-brain is thrilled, actually. But I'm worried about myself. I don't know how to evaluate this situation! Give me your experiences and advice.

Proposed a long-distance "meeting" trip with someone I've been interested in dating for several months. I agreed to pay for everything but now I'm feeling awkward about the entire thing. Details inside.

audio — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 12:35:52 -0800

Proposed a long-distance "meeting" trip with someone I've been interested in dating for several months. I agreed to pay for everything but now I'm feeling awkward about the entire thing. Details inside. Metafilter,

I'm at a impasse yet again in my dating life and would appreciate your opinion on the situation.

(TD;LR my "dating help history" on Metafilter - It seems that I tend to prefer boys that live long-distances from me. I've dated locally and have really "put myself out there" but never experienced any positive result from that ever.)

I met someone from New York. We've been getting to know each other for several months and things have been progressing from friends to maybe something more. A month ago I purposed the idea of meeting and I would pay for the trip - because of his current financial situation. At the time this seemed like a good idea.

Flash forward to the present day - I constantly feel overwhelmed and stressed about this and here is why.

- 20 days ago I purchased a large house. I'm renting out part of it but till I get tenants I'm paying all the bills and its cutting into a significant source of my income. So money is more tight now. I anticipated the costs associated with all this however, cheques I was expecting to come in are taking longer then normal.

- A little about his situation: he recently moved from another state for school - he found out when he got to New York that his school applications where denied (applied too late). Hes optimistic he will be accepted towards December but between that time he doesn't want to get a job as he thinks it would be pointless with this "two week trip to Canada" and his struggles with a social anxiety disorder.

- His personality has kind of gone downhill. Since he moved he's sunken into a depression state. He's only ever seems to stepped outside his house a handful of times in the past month and never has anything interesting to talk about. In addition to this hes currently living off his mom. She isn't working so they are collecting money from the state and don't really ever have anything left over financially speaking. Hes also had to stop taking his regular dose of medication (for social anxiety) for a smaller dose because of financial reasons. This has made him even more lazy and depressed.

- I have had two long distance relationships and one local one. In all of them I put forth a majority of the money in the relationship because I was always the "responsible one" that had my shit together. No one in my age bracket that I'm interested in ever seems to be at the same stage as me - or have the same drive and ambition. I always ended up feeling stress because I was always expected to "take care of things" and well - its not always easy and it kind of made me feel not valued and crummy. So I fear that's going to happen again in this situation -- although he has explicitly said if we where to "get together" he would want to contribute somehow. I still wish there was a way he could pay half.

- I saved for 4 years for a downpayment so I could buy a house I liked. Lived at my parents during that time. I find now, living by myself - incredibly lonely. It really sucks and I do think it would help me feel better if he where here. In addition to that I have been kind of depressed myself because I've been reflecting on my past relationship with my ex from the UK and how much I miss him and can't ever get "in touch" again.

Anyway, I like him. We get along well as friends and have decent sexual chemistry and similar values - I don't know if I should change my mind now about the financial part of our plan. It's all hes had to look forward to for the past month - so it will crush him to find out my hypothetical change to this plan and put him into a position that he can't manage.

TD;LR - Long distance hypothetical meet, noticed personality changes, conflictions with money. Should I still offer to pay for the trip although it will add more stress on my end and potentially start things off on the wrong foot.

(PSPS: I'm 24, he's 20. We're gay. I live in Canada. I'm posting here because I seemed to get gay bashed over on Reddit :/ and my friends / family are way too biased).

How can I, a dropout, get academic counseling at CSULB?

snoe — Wed, 23 May 2012 16:43:00 -0800

CSULB insiders - help this dropout get academic counseling at CSU Long Beach... This is a shout-out to anyone familiar with CSULB's bureaucracy - I've googled, tried CSUmentor.edu, and called all kinds of numbers to no avail. I need some insider stuff, if anyone's got experience.

I dropped out of the art department's BA program 10 years ago. I'd like to finish up my degree - I'm probably only a few credits short, but that's hard to figure out without some help from an academic counselor. The bureaucracy runaround's result is: reapply, and then you can get counseling. Reapplying seems like an iffy proposition if I don't know what I need to do to graduate, though!

I would think the university would be happy to see someone graduate after taking just a class or two, but I can't figure out who to talk to. I've dealt with phone-lackeys (no judgment, I've been a phone-lackey) at the art department, the admissions office, and the enrollment office so far, but none of them will pass me on to someone higher.

Any insiders want to help?

I keep having bouts of self destructive behaviour in a relationship. 23/M Best ways to stop it?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 May 2012 12:19:27 -0800

I keep having bouts of self destructive behaviour in a relationship. 23/M Best ways to stop it? I having been seeing a girl for 6-7 months, sometimes being long distance and sometimes not. Whenever we get really close something triggers me to freak out. I get scared and inevitably have a day where I just try to do things wrong subconsciously to fuck things up because I am so terrified of being that vulnerable again. I had a bit of a fucked up childhood and I'm trying my best to learn all the rules of a relationship. I seem to be able to hold it together in person but when we're this far away, it can be hard to not accidently fuck up. How can I stop these subconscious fears?

Blot, Please

InterestedInKnowing — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 07:53:42 -0800

Are there any good online police blotters for Long Island, NY that comes complete with accident photos?

Dating dilemma - The type of people I want to date always seem to live in New York. I'm happy in my small town and don't want to move. How do I best approach this?

audio — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:34:40 -0800

Dating dilemma - The type of people I want to date always seem to live in New York. I'm happy in my small town and don't want to move. How do I best approach this? I am very picky when it comes to dating. Physically and personality wise.

I setup multiple OkCupid profiles in 8 major cities around the world and where I live (locally). After a few months I started to notice a trend. The guys I was interested in getting to know all seemed to come from the New York area. Probably 90% more then any other city.

I don't live in New York however, I live in a small town in Canada that I adore. I can't see myself moving unless I had met the right person and we had a long-term relationship.

Of course the majority of the people I'm interested in - once they find out that I don't live in proximity - their interest seems to vaporize. Which I can understand, most people are not interested in long distance at the start of a dating relationship.

I have New York listed on my profile currently so "my type" of guys can find me. However I don't know if this is ethical and I should make note at the top of my profile my real location or rather discuss it once I get to know someone?

If I set my location to where I live in Canada, I get hardly any messages because location-based seems to be key.

Unsure how to proceed to still get the results I want while being honest.

Long lasting photos and frames

DrumsIntheDeep — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 14:47:50 -0800

I'm looking for recommendations on long lasting photo prints and frames. My father passed away recently. We are arranging for him to be cremated, and the ashes will be stored in an urn in a glass fronted niche in an indoor space.

They allow a framed photo to be in the niche, but the frame cannot be wood nor plastic since they degrade over time. I am looking for advice on how to get a picture and frame that will last as long as possible.

My questions are:

1. How can I get a high quality print the photo that will last the longest? Any recommendations for which company or technology to use?

2. Where can I get a picture frame that's made to last? The niche is in a room with a skylight, so UV damage is going to be a problem over time. I understand that some frames come with UV protecting glass. Picture frames come with some cardboard to keep the picture pressed against the glass. Does this need to be acid free? Is there a better alternative?

If there are companies that will print the photo and mount it in the right kind of frame, that would be great.

Thanks!

Help my SO and I solve this intricate PhD two-body problem.

kuju — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 19:46:08 -0800

Help my SO and I solve this intricate PhD two-body problem. Options galore! Alright. First off, apologies for the loaded question, but I really, really can use some help thinking out loud. I am a senior in college going for a Phd in Electrical Engineering in 2013. I am in at a few places, and I am trying to decide between two of these options. The locations of the grad schools are: College Park, MD and Ithaca, NY. I have fellowships at both of these schools, so that is not a deciding factor.

Now, here's the complication. I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 3.5 years, and I am very happy. He's awesome, and I really see us marrying one day (we have talked about it). He's even becoming pretty competent at my native language (I am not from the US). My main worry is that he will be working in NYC for at least a year, living in probably Hoboken, NJ (or around the area). He's willing to move out to where I am going to grad school at, but obviously he'd have to get a new job. This is where the problem starts. My top choice currently (I haven't visited the school in College Park yet) is the school in Ithaca. Honestly, I am worried if we will be able to make our relationship work. It would be about a 4 hour drive, and we would be seeing each other either every weekend, or every other weekend. Since we have been practically living together for the past 3.5 years, this has hit us both pretty hard. The problem with Ithaca is that he wouldn't really be able to get a job there (he's a Mechanical Eng. Econ double major), so we'd be "long distance" for 4-5 years (however long it takes me to finish a PhD). If I were to move to College Park instead, he could move there with me in about a year.

So given this background info, my question is twofold:
1. During all my visits the grad students that I have been talking to have been telling me how it's a bad idea not to go to your top choice because of a relationship. They say while the relationship is not guaranteed, the school is and one should not sacrifice one's career for relationships. I feel as if I am willing to make to sacrifice (and go to the school in College Park), but everybody keeps telling me how bad of an idea it is. Keep in mind I have not visited yet, so I don't really know how good of a fit it is. This school however, it less "awesome" compared to the school in Ithaca. Is it as bad as they make it out to be? Would I be a stupid person if I choose a slightly worse fit to keep my relationship?

2. The Ithaca schools offers many benefits. It's superb in the field, it has an amazing Hotel Management/Food Science program (a true dream of mine, I can minor in it because there are no course requirements), I can see myself working with 4-5 professors. It is however, in a tiny, tiny town. Do you think the 4 hour drive 3-4 times a month is doable? (I would be on a 38K fellowship on top of tuition coverage, and he would be making a pretty decent amount too - this figure is to account for driving costs.) Is this realistic? Will it result in a burn-out in the future? Am I insane in thinking that 5 years like this will kill us?

Please help me. My friends are not really giving me much hope either way. I really want to make this work.

Where to find cheap Long Island Iced Tea in NYC?

delasoull — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:56:08 -0800

Where can I find Long Island Iced Teas for cheap prices in NYC? Especially during happy hours? I'm trying to find a spot with Long Island Iced Teas for cheap prices in the Chelsea or Midtown area. I strongly prefer one with a nice happy hour deal. Thanks in advance.