Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with lonely

Breakup = :-(

mesha steele — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 13:44:07 -0800

Help me cope with my loneliness and pain a month after getting dumped. I'm really doing poorly a month after my last question about getting dumped:

Logically, I know the relationship is over (see my update at the bottom of the last thread), but really the slim chance that he'll sort out his confused feelings and come back to me is the only thing that keeps me hanging on through the pain. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about him, and how much I miss him. Seeing him last Sunday only made the feelings worse, as did hugging and kissing him. I know it's not healthy for me to dwell on this though, and he told me himself that I can't pin all my hopes on this one possibility, when even he doesn't know how he feels. So, I know I need to move on. But how?

In my last question, responses told me to focus on getting through finals. I did that, but now my life is back to horrible emptiness, plus my friends have left town for the break. I'm alone, with nothing to do but think about my ex and the girl he's going to date (and replace me with). I'm on the waiting list for therapy at school, but I won't get in for a month, at least. Lexapro has helped amazingly with my anxiety, but now I feel crippled by depression.

What are healthy ways to distract myself from the pain and loneliness? I could stand to lose a few pounds but the university gym is also closed for winter break, and the foot of snow outside makes exercise difficult. Watching funny TV shows like The Office makes me sad because I used to watch them with him. Ditto with most movies.

I've tried going on a few dates, but doing that just makes me miss my ex more. Plenty of guys are interested in me (in the world of online dating), but I'm having difficulty finding guys that I'm attracted to, physically or mentally. My ex was really the only guy I've ever gone out with that I found attractive.

What are some of the things MeFites have used to get through rough times in your lives? How can I break myself of the habit of wanting to talk to him constantly? How do stop being reminded of him by everything I see?

How do I not feel like a failure?

biochemist — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:38:15 -0800

I failed high school -and- college. How can I not feel like such a failure/cheer myself up? In High School, I had problems with procrastination and completing work, which I attributed to living in an abusive household. I also had social anxiety, so all of my friends were online. I had zero real-life friends.

I ended up not passing. I took a year off before college and did the therapy/self-help thing, in hopes that I would get good grades and make friends in college.

I got accepted into numerous colleges because of my high GED/SAT scores, and I got over my SA. I felt like my life would finally turn around. I chose a college in a small, scenic area just outside of a big city, in hopes that would satisfy my love of nature as well as my love of big cities.

I get to college and attend all the social events, try to get people to hang out and what-not, but my social skills are still too subpar and I end up with just one friend. To top it off, Small College is -way- too small for me and I end up going stir crazy, yet can't afford to travel to Big City most of the time.

Work-wise, I put all my effort in and still get poor grades. I realize it's because my school goes for "understanding" and not "blind memorization." I start doing well, but then when exams roll around I run out of time on all but one. I feel like crap, the procrastination and etc problems set in again, and I start failing... again.

I go to the doctor to see what's up, because I thought those issues would go away once I was away from home. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds, but too late. I'm not allowed to come back in the spring, and my final grades will all be failing, or if I can get a medical leave (not likely) I'll have no records at all.

Which means that I am officially two years behind where I should be, which sucks because the only reason I took a year off was to ensure this -wouldn't- happen. The only good thing, I guess, is that I can use the spring to get a technical degree I'd had my eye on for years.

I feel like a failure. An utterly lonely failure. I haven't felt this bad since my four-year relationship broke up some years ago. I hate that I put so much effort into making friends and still failed, and that the work thing was just de ja vu.

There's no way I'd get accepted into another college, so I'm stuck going stir-crazy for another year while I make up my grades or moving back home with all the stresses there and going to the local community college.

How do I not feel so hopeless, lost, depressed, terrible, etc? I feel like I'm nothing. I'm in the exact same position I was in high school - the girl who is alone all the time, with no friends, who gets terrible grades.

I know I should see a therapist, but I've been to numerous therapists over my lifetime and only one has helped, so I'm not too keen on that right now.

Be alone for the next six month, or...?

paulg — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:11:38 -0800

Do I bear-up being alone for the next six months to a year, or...? So, tonight I've just finished hosting a wine and cheese party for three couples. I am not part of a couple. I haven't had a significant long-term relationship since college (significant being longer lasting that two months). This is mostly due to the fact that I gained a lot of weight after college. I've lost about 40 lbs in the last year, but I need to lose another 40-50 lbs before I'm close to my ideal body weight.

I'm sick of being the single person in the group. What can I do? I'm now in my early 30's, and feel like I've reached the point where I'm ready for a long-term, mature relationship. However, realistically, I'm still fairly overweight.

The ideal situation would be if I could find a (female) partner who could see me through the next 6-12 months of weight loss (someone who might want to lose weight with me?). I'm not looking for an international supermodel. Is this realistic? Where could I find someone who can go through this with me, or do I just need to hang in until I reach a desirable BMI before I begin to look for a date?

I feel like there must be other lonely people struggling with the same issues. Where do I find them?

I'm a nice guy. I have a lot of interesting hobbies. I care about my friends, and I'm looking for a long-term commitment. Perhaps I'm just a little discouraged tonight. Hope me, Metafilter.

All the lonely people

Ziggy Zaga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:41:12 -0800

The world is full of lonely people. I'd like to bring some of them together... at least the ones in my general vicinity. But I need your help in finding the best ways to go about this. I was thinking about starting a meetup.com group or something for my local area catering specifically to the shy/socially anxious/avoidant demographic. I know there are lots of shy people out there but aside from the occasional support group, there's really not much bringing us all together. My hope is that a group targeting this demographic will help draw them out of the house and into an accommodating social environment.

I haven't quite settled on a particular "theme" or type of event that we'd do, but ideally the meetups would facilitate some degree of interaction between the participants without pushing anybody too far beyond their comfort zone.

So, I'm looking for games, activities or workshops a (presumed) group of 7 or 8 could do that are fun (no worksheets/self-assessments), social (no movies), and cheap (because I don't want money to be an excuse for someone to not attend). I can host in my own home if necessary. We could sit there and talk about our problems (which I'm not too keen on since I'm not a therapist) or we could play social games (Apples to Apples or Pictionary may be good for starters) but I need more ideas than that.

Thanks!

Lonliness and depression

loser8008 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:05:33 -0800

Lonely and depressed...need advice So i haven't been on here in writing about stuff in a while, which i guess is a good thing. I have been making progress on focusing on myself and stoped seeking a relationship, as if it were the only key to happiness. I have been doing better, i have established a pretty good amount of friends who i can trust and talk to and have grown a whole lot of confidence in just about everything i do. This happens to my toughest semester in college as an engineer, and i am effortlessly passsing (almost aceing) all my classes.

As much as things are better though i still feel like many times there is just me putting on a mask of a smiley face at times. I just feel like so much is missing. I have yet to establish a good exercise routine as i am very much out of shape and it is something i wish to work on...but things just haven't felt right lately, no matter what lately i have just been depressed waiting for what more is going to happen. It gets to the point where i just don't want to think, one thing i have found to ease the thought process is alcohol, as i am now 21. I don't drink alot or all the time, but lately i have just found that it makes it so much easier to forget everything by just having a beer or 2 at night.

Things haven't been bad, but then i did meet a girl i liked. and i am pretty sure i went about everything in the right way, but i still got turned down as things in her past that she is dealing with and is not ready for a relationship. I have no problem with it, never really expected to get that girl. But as someone has stated before it seems like i am a person "who feels to much". Things go from a great hope where things feel great and i feel optimistic, is there anything that i could of said different or that i could do different to change the future outcome. I went through one time where a girl told me she needs time before she would want to talk about things before, so i stepped back, within a few weeks she ends up with some other guy. I guess i don't have what it takes to change a girls perspective. I don't know how to explain but it just really hurts. it seems like i always end up in somewhat of the same situation. i again just find myself doing what ever i can to not think, to not think so i don't feel.

I don't really know where i am actually going with all this, i just kind of went on a rant. I would just like any input, opinions, to help get things better, advice.

Other sources for physical intimacy?

~Sushma~ — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:03:39 -0800

Lonely, hungry for intimacy, ravenous to be touched, coddled or stroked. I'm old, sick and unattractive, I used to be smoking hot but men don't look at me any more, nor do they even acknowledge my presence. The area I live in is sparse for dating, and I've even tried one night stands. I have given up. What are some other ways to get the physical needs I have for the human social intimate relationship I do not have? I've done the CL casual encounters, internet dating etc.... Going for a massage now to see if it helps, and yes I have a loving and much loved pet....but I need more. Any resources? I'm sure there are others like me out there.

My kitty is the center of the universe

reenum — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:50:20 -0800

My cat is used to getting a lot of attention, but is now left home alone for most of the day. How can I ensure she doesn't feel too lonely? My cat, Rani, is a tough old girl. She's 13 and for most of those years, my mom was home with her and lavished her with tons of attention.

Mom has now moved overseas and I have Rani. I work all day, so Rani's always home alone. When I get home, she's very clingy and wants lots of petting.

Is there something I can do so she stays occupied during the day and doesn't feel so alone? I've tried getting her cat toys, but she doesn't like any of them.

Thanks for any and all suggestions.

Looking for a low-maintenance, but social, 'after work' place/thing/something to do while I try to get my health in order.

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:29:01 -0800

I need a temporary low-maintenance, but social, 'after work' place/thing/something to do while I try to get my health in order. Ok. First off: I know all the things you excellent MeFites suggest to stave off and/or work with/fix depression/health issues, like exercise and general activities to join, and classes and outdoorsiness and volunteering. I have read many of your threads and salute you for your suggestions. Here, then, is another one that perhaps you have the answer for.

I'm about to start being treated for depression/anxiety stuff again; whether the solution will be from adjusting my thryoid meds, or taking new anti-depressants, or both, remains to be seen.

Historically I have been a person who makes every effort to do all the things you guys suggest in that position, if you can; some kind of regular exercise, get outside, see people, do activities, try meditation. But due to the incredible fatigue that's been plaguing me more and more (anemia isn't helping, which is also getting treated), focusing on some of these things is getting hard if not impossible. I've had to drop some of the activities I used to do due to a problem with my stomach that nobody can figure out, as well. I've been going to beginner yoga classes when I feel up to it.

I can't get a dog right now, my closest friends are not in reasonable proximity to me, and I live by myself. I wish I had any friends in my apartment complex, but everyone mostly keeps to themselves, and it's not that easy to say to somebody I don't know "hey what's up, can I come hang at your place for a couple hours, I feel incredibly lonely from this health junk, not to mention [possibly some other weird feeling due to meds]."

So I've been hunting for something that I can do most weekdays after work that might not be something super physical, that would involve people socially and be low pressure, but not necessarily a class. Ideally I wish I had a roommate or significant other, because I think that would do the trick just fine, but I don't think I can instantly conjure one that's worth a darn. I've been considering trying to move out of my place in order to have someone around, but doing all this health fixing and moving simultaneously sounds like a bad idea.

I don't really want a 2nd job to go with my 40 hour a week one (which so far I've been able to handle, but I see some sick days coming). And calling people on the phone every day is not really doing it, although I've been less and less motivated to call people because I have nothing to report besides "yeah, I still feel like crap."

I've been looking at volunteer-type stuff, but nothing seems to jump out at me as the 'thing i can do that seems to fulfill all those requirements'.

Suggestions? Rent-a-buddy? My perspective might also be kinda screwed up here. Thanks again, hive mind.

Unable to connect with anyone

formaltide — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 18:28:05 -0800

I have a problem that has been stuck with me for as long as I can remember. I can't connect personally with anyone I meet at all -- I don't think it's a matter of bad social skills, but more of a matter of not really having any common interests...but I'm not sure about that either, which is why I'm here. After many years of making friends and losing them without ever really feeling like I connected with any throughout middle school to college, it began to occur to me that I may have a problem.

I've never had a problem with not being social -- I smile a lot, I genuinely care for others and even inconvenience myself for them often, and I always make it a point to greet people I meet and get to know them a bit. The main problem seems to come after I meet people -- I can't connect any further than the acquaintance level because of my lack of interests.

I'm not really into music...I barely know any artists or bands by name, or even any songs for that matter. I haven't watched TV since I started high school, and though I enjoy playing sports, I have no interest in watching them. I'm not interested in cars much, as long as it runs and allows me to move from one location to another, it's good enough for me. And to top it off, I'm gay, and pretty much every person I met has been straight.

This leaves me with little to no small-talk material, I can't talk about sports, cars, celebrities, not even about girls with other guys. I can't talk about my social life because I don't have one. After breaking out of a long depression that started with me discovering I was gay and losing some of my memory, I now find myself as 22 years old with no seeming direction, no interests or goals, no motivation, and no friends. It seems it's this lack of drive that's making me uninteresting to other people -- they can't talk to me about anything, and I don't seem to have opinions on almost anything. It's almost like I'm a blank sheet a paper. Normally, friends share parts of their lives with each other...if I have nothing to share, how can I be anyone's friend?

The question is: What's the real problem? Is my main problem:

1) Being a bad conversationalist?
or
2) Having an uninteresting personality/No drive?

If I'm a bad conversationalist, which I really don't think I am, then I could fix that with simple practice and continually being in social situations.

If the problem is my personality, then I have a lot to work on, and I don't know where or how to start. That's probably grounds for a different discussion for another time.

In social group settings, I'm usually just "there", and I make a comment here and there, but I really add nothing to the conversation. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this -- no matter what group of friends it was, people would always forget to invite me to things all the time, which testifies to how much of a ghost I am. Nobody dislikes me, but...nobody really would care if I wasn't there, since I don't change anything.

If it's a more personal setting, like just hanging out one-on-one, I generally end up with a blank mind after the first few minutes of conversation and can only converse if people bring up topics to talk about.

Your input is appreciated. This is a situation I've been trying to get out of for years -- I get depressed when I'm alone because I have no goals or motivation, and I get depressed when I'm with my "friends" because I feel like an alien. After searching through other sites that offer advice and the like, I've found the discussion here at Meta seems deeper than at crap like Yahoo Answers, so I hope to have a good discussion with you all.

I'm probably moving. Do I stay in this relationship or do I go?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:06:40 -0800

I'm in a relationship but unhappy where I live and planning to move. My boyfriend may not wind up joining me. Is it better to cut off the relationship or pursue a long distance relationship again for a little while? I'm twenty six and a girl; for the past eight or so years I've been dating this fella five years my senior. He is the only guy I have kissed/dated/etc so my viewpoint's pretty limited. We were for a long while a long distance relationship, and three years ago I moved 2000+ miles to the Southwest to be with him. The time spent with him has overall been a good one; he's one of my best friends and I am constantly laughing and feel more or less at ease with him. There are of course some issues like all relationships, but we've dealt with them as best we can.

The big issue at hand though is that I hate where I am. He keeps telling me it takes a few years to feel settled in, but the climate and the sprawl of the place make me miserable most of the time. Beyond that, apart from the very casual friendships I have made at a night-job, I really have no friends here and it's made things unbearably lonely. So I'm really restless and feeling like I need a major change in my life. We've discussed this big issue a lot and he admits it can be a boring place and he doesn't think I should spend my twenties in a place that makes me sad, so he agrees I should move. But at the same time he couldn't move right away and possibly might not at all. I know it causes him pain to know he's not enough for me so at the moment I've been keeping mum about moving talk until things are a little more concrete beyond the daydreaming and saving money phase.

Things are falling into place that would make it possible for me to move up to Portland, OR; I am self-employed in the creative industry, and I know a lot of creative friends up there and loved the place when I visited. I've found post-college that I need a circle of creative people, and I do need friends. The internet helps, but still it's not the same. I'm saving to make the plunge within the next year, but as I do so I realize that it might be the end of my relationship. And this makes me torn on how to proceed.

Some details/issues/mitigating factors-

-He is a gamer. Big-time. He plays computer games every night, and left to his devices he'd be totally addicted to them. It's practically his only hobby, so it's hard to really do much else together besides eating, talking, sleeping, and watching tv. I would mind this less if we lived someplace where I was more mobile or had other things to do. Right now I work while he games, basically. I work a lot.

-He tends to take me for granted, but at the same time is very thoughtful and helpful when it counts so it does make up for it.

- we own a dog we both love very much, but who is slightly more attached to me. Since I work at home and am her predominant caretaker, I'm pretty certain he'd want her to come with me, although if he really wanted her I would give her to him.

-He has a circle of friends that he's accumulated since grade school, which I would hate for him to lose touch with.

-He doesn't have a lot of ambitions beyond staying above the poverty line and he owns a house that he got when he was 20 and this is his main investment (though it has several big repairs it needs before it could even be sold)

-His job is very much a niche and he's in a job he really likes, although it doesn't sound like he wants to spend his whole career there. Most jobs I've found for him are contract work or else require more knowledge/classwork/a degree and understandably that's concerning to him.

-He is not very motivated these days. Before I met him apparently he was a very angry person and that anger motivated him to work out, do more. But he's more laid-back and forgetful, so things like staying fit or taking classes have been put off here and there. His lack of motivation makes him complacent and sometimes boring. I feel like he really needs something to set him off and start being more proactive in his life, though I'm not sure a breakup is the best way to do it!

-I know he considers me the love of his life; I am not entirely sure I feel the same way. I love him dearly but at the same time sometimes pine for someone creative like me, or to be alone. As is, we are pretty different people and while this is good sometimes I'm not sure he understands me. At the same time this is the only guy I've been with, so part of me wonders if I might be alone for the rest of my life if I break up with him. Not enough to be afraid to go through with it, but I do wonder a little.

I know that there's still time to work this out, but I don't know what to do yet and I will be thinking about this for a while until we start talking about it when it is a little closer to reality. I love him dearly and best case scenario he'd come out to live with me and try something new to shake himself up out of this complacent mood he's been in. But all discussions seem to lead to excuses why that couldn't happen in the short term (the house, job, big change-- valid, but excuses all the same). But I really don't know what he'll do until I do it-- when I go on trips he misses me greatly and feels bored and realizes he takes me for granted. Perhaps if I move on my own and keep in touch in a long-distance way again, he may realize that being without me isn't as good. Perhaps not; it's a gamble. If we are to ultimately break up, I want to do it as kindly and amicably as possible-- he is a good guy despite his flaws, and really this isn't as much about him as it is about me and my restless and lonesome nature. It's not a DTMFA situation or anything. Ideally I want to stay friends with him, but I think he said a long time ago he probably couldn't stay friends with me if we ever broke up, so that's a painful possibility I'm willing to deal with.

So I guess what I'm wondering is what would you do, would you tear the band-aid off, chop off the limb and move on (sort of a be cruel to be kind thing?) Or would you see how things would go for a while in a long-distance format and then decide a little later when we both know more about the situation? I've done the long-distance thing, and it sucks but I know I can do it (whether I want to again, I'm still deciding). I can't decide whether breaking up or staying together for long distance for a bit to see where we stand is kinder to both of us. Either way it'll end up with us both sad for a time, but I'm divided on what will hurt more. And if I do break up with him, I'm not sure how to do it in a way that will sting as little as possible. Making him sad makes me sad, so if you have any advice on that too I'd love to hear it.

I'm sorry that this is long, but I wanted to give details. If you have been in a similar situation, I've set up an email address at ldrtopdx@gmail.com and would love to hear what you experienced or what you might do if you were me. Thanks everyone in advance!

"Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely, I have nobody for my own..."

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:02:28 -0800

How can I make myself feel better when I'm feeling lonely and depressed? I feel lonely right now. Sometimes I feel like my friends don't really care about me. Looking at Facebook makes me sad. Everyone is busy and having fun, while I've been in my room for the past several days.

I've always had this problem in some way or another. I think I'm starting to become a bit depressed. I've been sleeping far more than I should be. Just forcing myself to go outside today was a chore. I'm trying to pay attention to getting fresh air, treating myself to hot showers, etc.

I think the root of the problem is that I feel as if my friends don't really want to be around me. I try to initiate things like going to see a movie or going shopping, but I usually get rebuffed. Even then, I don't ask that often. I don't want to seem pushy. If I don't get invited to things, I can't bring myself to invite myself along. It feels very rude. I overhear people talking about trips and parties, and I'm left out of the loop. They talk about movie festivals and cook-outs and concerts as if I'm not even there. The only invites I've had have been to get boozed up on cheap beer. I have gone to these sorts of events before, and I don't enjoy them.

I'm currently living in another country where I don't speak the language. My friends are all expats. I've been trying very, very hard to learn the language, but nothing is gelling. When I people ask me for directions, I freeze and they wander off. When people say hello, my face turns red and I can't seem to speak.

I am trying to be social. I tried to go to a meet-up recently. I figured that, even in another language, I could enjoy the activities. Even though it was something I'd normally like, I felt miserable. I stayed for an hour or so, then took the train back to my flat. The whole effort made me feel like a failure.

I feel very shy and unloved. I know it's my fault, but I can't seem to change. Every attempt I make ends in disaster. I put up a front for my friends. I'm not sure they even realize just how lonely I am. People are always shocked to hear that I shop and go to the movies and hang out at the library by myself.

Any advice on getting over this slump?

Texas To-Dos?

pjern — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:03:58 -0800

I'm stuck in Texas! Well, not stuck exactly, but I have some free time. I'm currently in Denton, TX and looking for cheap/free activities to get me though the rest of the weekend, within reasonable driving distance. Bonus for photogenic/neat/historical places. (Reasonable can be arbitrarily defined as, let's say, 50 miles.)

I definitely wouldn't rule out meeting other Mefites for coffee, as human companionship/conversation would be a plus. My cell phone # is in my profile, and I welcome calls.

How to curb the degree of loneliness?

LilSoulBrother85 — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 06:55:00 -0800

What to do when the degree of lonliness is too much? I am in a long distance relationship which is starting to get to me. I'm trying to make friends here but it's very hard to do in the DC metro area. Do you guys have any suggestion in keeping one occupied? I am gay male in a long distance relationship with a boyfriend. He lives in the west coast and I live in the east coast which makes calling each other a pain the behind.

He left November 2008 and I was strong until late January 2009. His absent started to get to me and made the weekends frustratingly lonely.

I've met one person online as friends but it did not work out because of conflicting world views. I met another person recently through CL and he seems like a nice person. However, he has lived here all his life and has more friends and obligations.

Also, I've befriended my roommate (I live with three other people) and his girlfriend, but I tread carefully not to be their third wheel.

Basically, I'm at the point of frustration of the rut I'm in. I don't want to appear desperate, but at the same time I don't want act like I don't need company. My boyfriend is constantly worried about me which I wish he wouldn't because he has a tough work schedule.

ideas for a retiree

beccyjoe — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 20:33:33 -0800

My mum has just retired at 61. She has four kids who all live in different cities, each over 5 hours away. My dad still works full time, and I don't think my mum knows what to do with herself. Ideas and suggestions for fulfilling ways to pass the time, plans to make, etc from other retirees greatly appreciated! My mum raised 4 kids and worked as a speech therapist for many years. She loves her children and is sad that we all moved away (we know it is hard for her and make sure to be in regular contact with phone calls and emails and chats etc, visits when possible). There are no grand children yet. I think she's a bit lost. I feel bad for her and want to suggest some ideas...

She likes being around people but is quite shy and reserved. Not at all outgoing, though very loving.

She does a lot of stuff on weekends and evenings with my dad, like play bridge and dance classes and things.

She is interested in volunteering but not sure where to go...

She has dabbled in crafts in the past but seems to have lost interest in all of those - knitting, sewing, quilting. I think she needs to do things with other people.

I'm wondering if you, or anyone you know, is a fairly reserved older retired woman who's children have all moved away and you have found fun, satisfying, even challenging ways to fill your days involving other people.

THanks!

Filling up with warm fuzzies before relationship hibernation

itesser — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 03:14:54 -0800

Ideas for things to do with my husband before he goes off for three months of job training? He's leaving in two weeks. Besides lots of quality time, does the hivemind have suggestions for things I/we can do to prepare for the long quality time drought? We'll only be able to write (paper and stamps) letters, and have never been apart for more than three nights, much less out of phone/email/im/texting contact that long.

We're both artists in our mid-twenties, together for 2.5 years. I'm not big on scrapping types of crafts

Current plans:
- Taking lots of pictures with my film camera... enough so I can develop a roll each week he's gone.
- zipping up a couple shirts of his in plastic bags to preserve "husband smell"
- try to record the sound of his heartbeat/breathing while he's asleep for my mp3 player

Restrictions:
- We're being extra frugal to save up for the move we'll be doing after he's done with training
- I'm flying cross-country to spend the 3 months with friends, so nothing to "create together" that might be bulky or difficult to transport
- I don't want to put a lot of pressure on him to do things for me, so suggestions of things I can do the heavy lifting on would be best.

Advance thanks!

Evidence to support feeling hopeful about finding someone?

Ringo — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 06:00:49 -0800

I need evidence! I want to change two of my core beliefs about myself: (1) I will not find someone I love as much as the last girl and (2) I will not be truly happy until I find someone else. If you are single and do not believe these things about yourself, what evidence would you say backs up those beliefs for you? I used to do cognitive behavioural therapy for depression/anxiety, and eventually was able to work my way out of a funk and became significantly happier for awhile. I’m now slipping into a depressive episode after a breakup (due to diverging life paths and locations that couldn’t be reconciled), and I think that this depression was triggered by the fact that a couple of my core beliefs are causing me fundamental vulnerability to events like this. I need to change these or else I will continue to slip into depression at times of adversity when I should merely be sad. By depressed I mean I am picturing the worst possible outcome (I will never again share mutual love with a female that I am mentally and physically attracted to) and I picture that outcome lasting forever, or lasting for so long that I eventually find it intolerable to continue. In any case, the future right now looks very, very bleak to me and I feel like my thoughts about the future are unhealthy. My justification for these beliefs goes like this:

Belief #1 – I will not find someone I love as much as the last girl

1) I’ve only met four girls I’ve felt this way about – two when I was a teen, one at 25, and one at 29 (this last one)
2) I guess I’m picky, but I know what I like, which means I have fewer relationships but the bonds I form are generally stronger – I don’t fall often but when I do I fall hard
3) I have a very hard time meeting girls I click with (see #1)
4) I felt like this girl was a better match for me than any previous, which makes the task seem all the more daunting

Belief #2 – I will not be truly happy until I find someone else

1) I have been somewhat content when not seeing anyone, even experiencing rare moments of joy, but I’m by far happiest when I’m in a relationship
2) I crave physical affection, and intimacy, and I actually feel like I need to have this at least weekly to be happy, and meaningless sex doesn’t do it for me

Some info about me:

I turned 30 recently, which is likely magnifying these feelings. However, I genuinely think I’m a catch: good-looking, professional job that I find pretty interesting, funny, artistic pursuits I am passionate about, plenty of friends (the last girl was the best match they had lined up for me…I may have exhausted that avenue for meeting people for now). I’m living in a smallish, isolated city in Canada (200,000 people), which is another concern because the dating pool is smaller. It’s a college town with an economy that isn’t the best so most intelligent, bright girls leave here for opportunities elsewhere, which was why the last relationship ended. However, I’m here for at least a couple of years pursuing a unique career opportunity and I think it would be a bad idea to move to a bigger city solely because it has a potentially larger dating pool.

So, any evidence that my beliefs are unfounded? Thanks very much.

How to overcome loneliness?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:53:15 -0800

How do I deal with loneliness? How do I accept being single? I'm a 31 year old female, a decent looking and pretty nice human being. I have never been in a relationship. (I'm that girl who people point at and exclaim, "Why is she single? I don't understand it!) This used to really, really bother me. There have been attempts that always lasted 3 weeks or less, generally with me getting dumped. I fell for one of these guys and was pretty devastated when it ended. A friend said to me: the best way to get over this, to feel good about yourself and to find someone else is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF. (And having read all the singledom threads on Metafilter many times, the most common advice does seem to be: when you stop looking, someone will find you. It just happens.)

So this is what I did. I stopped putting myself out there and focused on me. I went back to school and got a graduate degree in a field I love. I went on several traveling adventures through Asia, Europe, the Middle East and Africa. I made good friends. I took up photography. I joined a wine club and a book club and had a grand ole time.

And then recently I woke up one morning and found myself a hundred times lonelier than I was before. The strategy hasn't worked and I don't know what to do.

How do I deal with this loneliness that is, frankly, ruining my life? How do I accept being single and most likely not having a child?

Note: I am not depressed. I have been in the past, and medicated. This feels entirely different. I also already have a therapist.

Anonymous simply because a couple of these 3 week disasters have been with people on Metafilter and, well, I'm embarrassed. Thanks.

I have no life...during the day.

sixcolors — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:24:32 -0800

I get bored and lonely on weekdays. What can I do? There seems to be a lot of "what can I do?" and "how do I meet people?" here on metafilter and other forums. I notice that a lot of answers tend to be night or weekend oriented, such as taking a class, going to a pub trivia night, playing team sports, or doing community service.

I have a part-time job, do community service, and have a pretty active social life. However, those activities tend to take place at night and/or the weekends. When I was in school (just finished), I only had class at night or the weekends. So, on my weekdays, I just surf the net. Every now and then, I watch TV, or go to Borders/library. Most of my friends and relatives have day jobs or day classes.

I get bored and VERY lonely. I even get depressed on occasion. Summertime is coming up and I don't want to go through another dull summer.

Turn my sad into awesome.

youcancallmeal — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 19:28:25 -0800

How do I stop spending energy on being sad and be productive instead? I recently moved back to Baltimore for school where I don't really know anyone and in between visits back to NYC, find myself getting mopey when I'm not in class. There are plenty of projects I could be working on instead of sitting here f5ing Scrabulous. How do I redirect this morose energy into something useful?

can you save my roomies puppy from being strangled?

krautland — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:29:12 -0800

can you save my roomies puppy from being strangled? hivemind, I need your help. I'm positively becoming homicidal thanks to my roomies new pup.

the roomie works the early shift and locks the puppy in his room when he leaves the house at six a.m. not ten minutes later the puppy will begin to bark, yelp, whine and begin tearing the place up. he does not like to be alone.

I tried letting him into the garden, I tried letting him run around the house, nothing helped. he wants to be around people. but this is not my dog and I don't want to snuggle with it in the early morning hours. (besides ... he isn't completely house-trained, even though the roomie can't believe his dog created the nuclear waste site below the coffee table). the pup does not calm down. not after one hour, not after three.

this is your chance to save this cute little puppie from a very violent death. how do I calm him down? how do I get him to relax?

anyone suggesting earplugs clearly underestimates the vocal chords of the dog in question.

Desperately seeking my intelligent other half

zaebiz — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 20:40:09 -0800

WANTED : Laptop for a gorilla. What is wrong with me? Why do they all keep leaving me like this. Yes ok so I punched this wimpy little Thinkpad and now it just refuses to boot. But it deserved it - believe me. Why do they have to be so precious about a bit of enthusiastic handling?

I need a laptop who loves for me who I am. Who loves me when I shake it around a bit, that forgives me when I roll on top of it in my sleep, that doesn't get all hurt when I drop it on the carpet every now and then, and that will forgive my questionable personable habits.

Im really not asking for much. I just need a 2Ghz CPU - doesn't have to do ultra-sexy graphics for me and I definitely wont play games with it. A sturdy proven work-horse that enjoys it a bit rough and that won't abandon me in times of need. Is there any one out there?

Delayed delivery for daily doses of ... uh ... me?

yellowbinder — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 19:38:01 -0800

I'm out of the country with my family for the next few weeks, and don't want my boyfriend to get too lonely back home. How can I schedule pre-written emails to be automatically sent to him? I don't think I will have regular internet access while I am away, so I want to write a bunch of emails and schedule them to be sent on specific days.

I don't have a dedicated email program, but I have Hotmail, Gmail and Yahoo! Small Business email accounts. I could sign up for another free web based service that offers this feature if none of those do.

Giving homesickness the boot

Meifa — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 07:46:33 -0800

How to alleviate homesickness? Extra difficulty: first time out, alone. I'm not looking for a cure, just something to comfort me a little. Here's the background. I'm 22 and I've just made a move to the Chicagoland area from South Florida to finish my BA (I'm a junior). I did my first two years of school locally, took a break for various reasons after graduation a year and a half ago, and for the past year have been working a full-time job that I love with people I adore. I've lived at home throughout.

I'm still working for the company at our second location in Chicago. I'm constantly in contact with the people from my old location (we're a small company, we do much interoffice).

But I miss work. I miss my co-workers. I do miss my family and having a house with people in it too (I'm living in a one bedroom apt alone).

Still, everything's great and coming together in terms of logistics... I have a wonderful place to live and all the things I could need, but I get very sad thinking about my friends/co-workers and my family. I don't like that my thoughts are traveling often to how soon I'll see certain people again or how this is "only temporary."

I know it'll get easier with time. It's just tough. What can I do to comfort myself during the transition?

Why does eHarmony think I am destined for a life of loneliness?

thebrokenmuse — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 22:01:26 -0800

Why does eHarmony think I am destined for a life of loneliness? I saw the ad for the free personality test on eHarmony, and as a complete addict of internet personality quizzes I just couldn't resist. At the end, along with my results, they told me that they thought it was only fair to let me know early that I was part of the 3% of the population that they couldn't help with their dating services.

What!? Does anyone who works for eHarmony (or just happens to know) have any idea what I could have said during this quiz that would put me in this category? Why do they think I am destined for loneliness?

Spring Restlessness: Not Sure How to Follow Through

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:39:38 -0800

Where -- in South Central Wisconsin -- are the best places to hang out, if you are a divorced, middle age, overweight, woman who recently decided to proactively search for short term companionship? My last long term relationship ended ten years ago. The last time I had sex was probably over five years ago. I know that looking for causal sex is a high risk activity. But there has got to be a strategy for increasing the odds of at least being presented with the opportunity.

Over the last several years it is becoming more and more difficult for me to ignore my desire for sex (with a partner). As Spring approaches this year, I am feeling very restless. I am wondering if getting some would at least remove my ever growing fear that I may never have sex again. I spend a lot of time wondering about my human touch deficiency, and what that means in relation to wholelistic health.

I am 44 years old and I have no real social life. I spend all my free time playing on my computer or watching TV and movies. Although, I do occasionally attend workshops, lectures, or classes; and I work out at a health club several times a week. I recently started attending church again. The problem is that none of the places that I frequent, offer the opportunity to find casual friends. Yet, in truth, I really don't want to find casual friends in the places I currently go. I suppose a big problem is that I hate bars and hate smoke… and avoiding bars severely reduces the chance of meeting men, who, uh, would consider me attractive.

I have a profile on Yahoo! Personals. I read craigslist. But that's not exactly what I want. It's way too much work, and scary, to post or answer ads. I'd like to skip all the emailing and exchanging photos. I want to be somewhere to meet people in person.

What I'd like to know is where are the safe places to go that I might get "hit on." Or, how does a woman -- who is clueless about such worldly matters -- research the process of hiring a professional? Is ignoring my fears and desires perhaps the better course of action?