Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with loneliness

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

All the lonely people

Ziggy Zaga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:41:12 -0800

The world is full of lonely people. I'd like to bring some of them together... at least the ones in my general vicinity. But I need your help in finding the best ways to go about this. I was thinking about starting a meetup.com group or something for my local area catering specifically to the shy/socially anxious/avoidant demographic. I know there are lots of shy people out there but aside from the occasional support group, there's really not much bringing us all together. My hope is that a group targeting this demographic will help draw them out of the house and into an accommodating social environment.

I haven't quite settled on a particular "theme" or type of event that we'd do, but ideally the meetups would facilitate some degree of interaction between the participants without pushing anybody too far beyond their comfort zone.

So, I'm looking for games, activities or workshops a (presumed) group of 7 or 8 could do that are fun (no worksheets/self-assessments), social (no movies), and cheap (because I don't want money to be an excuse for someone to not attend). I can host in my own home if necessary. We could sit there and talk about our problems (which I'm not too keen on since I'm not a therapist) or we could play social games (Apples to Apples or Pictionary may be good for starters) but I need more ideas than that.

Thanks!

Serial monogamist goes solo...

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:54:57 -0800

How can I become ok - content, even - with being alone? About nine months ago, I broke off a serious relationship of several years. Before that one, I was with someone for four years. I've had a boyfriend for as long as I can remember, with very little in-between alone time. I have minimal contact with my exes and am generally quite happy to be out of those relationships. I like being single. I acknowledge that after years and years of being a devoted girlfriend and spending way too much time putting someone else's needs above my own, I need to be on my own for awhile.

I'm a single female in my 20s, living in a big city, a graduate student, working full time. I have some solid, close friendships, lots of acquaintances, and overall a good, stable life. My family is far away, so I rely a lot on my friends for companionship and socialization...but my friends also have their own lives - demanding jobs, busy schedules, boyfriends, husbands, etc. I see them pretty regularly on weekends, but I often find weeknights to be very lonely. I come home from work, make myself dinner, maybe have a glass of wine (depending on how stressful that day was), do some homework, sometimes go to the gym or a pilates class. Throw some tv/music into the mix and that's pretty much my night. And really, the evening I just described is perfectly relaxing and fine. But it's lonely. I often crave company, especially that of a male. It's not even a sexual thing (though, I could certainly use some of that...)

I've dated around a little bit, which was a nice distraction and kept me busy a couple of nights a week, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend and I certainly don't want to date someone just for the sake of having someone, anyone. I want to get comfortable focusing on me. I don't want to feel like I need someone else, because I really don't. I want to be content with just being me, myself, and I for awhile. How do you become ok with being alone?

I am living a wasted life. Tell me how to live.

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:56:01 -0800

I am living a wasted life. Depressed and stuck. I know this question has been asked a million times in a million different ways by a million different people. But I want to ask it myself, and hear what you say to me, because I am at the end of my rope. I am weeks away from my 33rd birthday. I am 200 lbs. overweight. I am separated from my husband of 5 years, and in the midst of getting a divorce. I never really was in love with him (he was a good friend, but not a person I ever was sexually attracted to. I am sure he was never attracted to me either). I think we married each other because we were both lost and didn't know what else to do.

I am sad over the end of the marriage, not because I fell out of love, but because it is a wake-up call that I wasted years of my life. I lived years of my life in a marraige, and now that it has ended, nothing has changed. I failed, and I am still the same paralyzed, reclusive, anxious, undependable, scared girl.

Earlier this year/late last year I was out of work for about 3 months due to depression, and luckily I still have a job. I just missed 4 more days of work. I don't know what happens to me. I am fine for months at a time, but then I wake up one morning and just. can't. get. in. the. shower. I sit in bed paralyzed with the thought of facing the day. That leads me to a downward spiral of missing days and days of work. I was suicidal late last year, I'm not now. I'm stuck.

I can't get myself to do even the most simple of things, like changing the cat litter, cleaning the apartment, answering the phone. I have mental blocks. If I have to pee, I will literally sit and debate with myself for an hour over whether to get up and go to the bathroom. I will sit for days knowing that I should get out and exercise, but instead I will watch tv, or lurk on mefi. I love food, and have an emotional relationship with food, but the thought of having to cook a healthy meal makes me tired before I even start.

While I'm at work or forced to be in a social environment, I am different. I am "on" - I talk and joke and do quality work. But it's just a shell that can be so easily broken, and has been.

I have friends but I loose them because I don't communicate with them because I can't bear the thought of leaving my home to meet with them or pick up the phone and call them.

Things you should know:

1. I am currently on anti-depressants, and see a psychiatrist about once a month for medication management. I have been on and off various anti-depressants for about 10 years and will continue to work with my current doctor to get the right combo of medication that works for me. But I also know that drugs can't solve everything.

2. I know I need to go to therapy. I KNOW this. I go, once, twice, then I stop. I think I found a good therapist, so how do I make myself go?

3. I know I need to go to bed earlier. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat less and eat healthier. I know I need to maintain relationships. I know I need to find activities. So far I haven't been able to do any of these things for extended periods of time.

I want your advice on how to live my life. I am like a 33 year old infant. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to function as a human being. I think I will die and I will still be the same stale, lifeless person. I will have lived a wasted life. I'm really am not living, I'm only breathing. Can you tell me anything to help me?

email: wastedlife1@gmail.com

Loneliness and location

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:26:09 -0800

I'm heading back to the work world after studying abroad, and want to overcome my long-standing social isolation. Where should I move to? I'm 27, and finishing a masters degree at a university in Sweden. Between this and my prior experience in the software industry, my career is in great shape. But my social life is not. I'm lucky enough to have kept close friends from high school, but have struggled to make new ones since then. This also carries over to dating: my only sexual experience was a fling with an old friend a couple years back. The thought of this continuing indefinitely is scary but all too realistic.

Soon I need to start applying for programming jobs, and I'd like to do it with the above in mind. I'm a U.S. citizen from the Northeast, but I also traveled around Northern Europe (Scandinavia, Holland, Ireland, …) during my studies and wouldn't mind living there either. (I'm aware of the issues with getting work permits.) But the couple friends I do have here are also foreign students, and even outgoing expats say Swedes are hard to get to know. I'm afraid that even in an English-speaking country this could be the case for a foreigner. Are there expat MeFites that have experience with this? I prefer some aspects of the culture here, but it's no fun to live anyplace as a perpetual outsider.

If I do go back to the U.S., are some cities friendlier than others? Of course I realize that solving my problems involves hard work, personal change, and probably some form of therapy. But I don't want to sabotage my efforts either. Cities with good food, public transit, a decent music scene, and not overly conservative would be nice too.

I was so horny it made me sad.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:38:03 -0800

Depressionfilter: Help me understand a sudden increase in libido and its emotional aftermath. Context: Male, British, 26, straight, depressed (but not too badly, but then again maybe terribly).

I've been single for over three years. No sex, no kissing, nothing. No attempts made to be otherwise. No approaches from any women. Until recently, this hasn't been a problem. My sex drive has been easily managed, and my loneliness has been kept in check by my depressive thinking (women are beautiful magical wonderful creatures, but they'll never want you, ever, because you're awful, so go read a book or just die or something). This was all fine and well, or at least bearable, until a few weeks ago.

Then, out of nowhere, my sex drive exploded. It was like when you hear about a transgender person first being given testosterone - throbbing pulse, mind flooded with pornographic visuals, sexual desire like I've never felt before. Everything made me think of sex. I practically wanted to chase after women and start humping their legs in the street. It was absolutely horrendous. I could barely think. This lasted for about two weeks then finally abated.

Since then my sex drive has still been higher than it was before, but it's no longer driving me crazy. And, heartbreakingly, my perception of women (and myself) has changed slightly. Instead of seeing myself as fundamentally broken, awful, and disgusting, I've been thinking that, hey, I have a lot of good qualities and there must be a girl out there who'd think I'm okay. And instead of seeing desirable women as something completely alien, like a unicorn, I'm seeing them as real people who might, just might, maybe, one day, be interested in me. This is a big shift, and I suppose it's a good thing, but it brings into sharper focus how lonely I am and how much I crave sexual release, intimacy, and companionship. (Although, clearly, I'm not in the right place for a long-term-serious-relationship, and nor do I want one.) It's as if almost overnight I switched from being one of those sad, lonely guys to being one of those sad, desperate guys. And it hurts.

So I have two questions for you. One, what actually happened here? Two, what should I do next?

[And a few specifics about the depression: I think I've been suffering from a long-term non-crippling depression. I am functional, but self-esteem is an issue. I saw my GP a few months ago and he suggested computerised CBT, which I've singularly failed to engage with. I'm thinking of going back to see him soon.]

Disposable email at nonboinker3000000000@googlemail.com

[I asked this [http://ask.metafilter.com/134559/Too-horny-Cant-think-Need-sex] question previously, when I was in the grip of mind-warping hornyness. I'm quite ashamed of it now. I think this new question is more honest, but to me writing always feels like a kind of lying.]

Thank you.

You Are Trying To Break My Heart

Lipstick Thespian — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 08:10:39 -0800

What are your picks for melancholy, lonely, time-stopping and heartachingly beautiful songs? I'm looking for other songs that fit the same vibe as these:

Eddie Vedder - The Long Road
Neil Young - Helpless
Otis Redding - I've Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now)
Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up
Fleetwood Mac - Songbird
REM - Everybody Hurts or You Are The Everything or Me in Honey
My Morning Jacket - Golden or Gideon
Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark
The Decemberists - Eli The Barrow Boy
Eva Cassidy - Autumn Leaves

Basically any song that just makes you sit with it and take a musical time-out, and gets your chest a little tight in that good way.

All genres and styles welcome.

What's a kid to do?

ahrara_ — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:36:42 -0800

I have had self-esteem, confidence, and anxiety issues my entire life. Lately, my confidence has been getting much better, but it is still very unstable. More than anything else, I want to be able to feel good about myself consistently. Is this possible, given my background (see inside)? If so, please share your success stories or advice on what I can do to feel good. I came to America as an immigrant when I was 6 and had a rather hard time fitting in. To make it worse, I had a rather tumultuous family life and a slightly abusive father. As a result, I had little self esteem and no social skills -- until High School, I can positively say that I had never established any kind of close friendship.

Since I started college though, things have gotten much better. I've been involved in some extracurricular activities that I've been fairly successful in and that have helped develop my interpersonal confidence and leadership abilities considerably. In fact, there are days where I am positively charming, funny, outgoing, and "one hell of a guy". When I'm like this, I have no problem doing things like going to parties, initiating conversation with perfect strangers, dealing with confrontations, etc.

But underneath that glossy exterior is an absurd amount of insecurity. I am easily intimidated and I feel uncomfortable being around people who are as capable socially, because I feel like I have to keep up with them. If I approach somebody in anything short of my super-confident mode, I tend to be very hard on myself and feel like a social failure. When my self esteem fails, my anxiety climbs until it starts interfering with my ability to function. I have trouble speaking coherently sometimes, to the point that I can hardly carry on a conversation. The social anxiety tends to make me feel very lonely, even when I'm surrounded by friends and have people available to hang out with -- I just know I can't *function* with them.

Some nights I just feel hopeless. Every time I've felt like I've finally reached a point where I could feel good about myself consistently, it's all come crashing down again somehow. Usually it's because I'm not around people often enough -- for the reasons stated above, I only have a small circle of people to spend time with.

I know self esteem issues aren't exactly new to askmefi. There are many questions about social anxiety and a lot of good answers, but very few get to the heart of what I want to know -- is this something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, or is it possible for someone like me to find a consistent sense of confidence? I'll be frank with you -- I'm not posting so much for advice on what to do, but for encouragement that it can be done, not only for myself, but for the many people here I'm sure share the same experience. Please share your success stories. The more detail the better!

Self-destruction and the struggle against depression

Aleatoire — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:37:06 -0800

What are we fighting when we fight against depression? A psychologist recently offered the following comment that struck me as a potentially constructive (read: not self-destructive) way of conceptualizing the strong sense of sorrow, solitude and of depersonalization that have me dwelling on death with unnerving frequency and concreteness: namely, that I should take care to not think and treat depression as separate and distinct, as if this gnawing and piteous feeling were something that eroded and displaced the self, to be "struggled against" (as the common expression goes) and opposed.

After this suggestion, I have come to suspect that the analogy of antagonism has done a particular disservice in the domain of mental disorders, when both the adversaries and the arena are aspects of myself. Further reflection brings the realization that what language I have to understand and express emotions is not only limited but seems to be limiting my own ability to cope with negative feelings and beliefs.

What follows, then, is this question: what other analogies are available? what modes of relating could I draw from that are not antithetical, to stop this "struggle against" depression and put an end to self-sabotage?

(Although I recognize that there are physiological components to depression, the fact that at my lowest of lows I feel acutely disconnected from myself and from my surroundings tells me that I could benefit from some kind of perceptual shift, beginning at how I conceive depression as a problem. If you disagree, and think that this is fruitless whimsy, then I would be equally grateful for your thoughts.)

Ready to retake control of my life.

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:34:19 -0800

How can I retake control of my life and achieve my hopes and dreams with a clean slate? I'm not sure really where to start, but I thought this would be the best place to get some advice from people that seem to be in touch with issues of everyday people. Apologies for the length, I have a lot on my mind.

I guess my main issue is I feel like I'm on the verge of a total meltdown. I have been trying to resolve feeling this way for a while, but I'm afraid if I don't let someone know it will be much harder to fix this in the future.
I'm apart of an organization where therapy and things of that nature is frowned upon, so I'm going to try and avoid it entirely.

Lately I have been in sort of a emotional slump. To most people I'm a very happy, carefree person, but inside I just don't have the will to accomplish things anymore. It has reached a point where I'm thinking about just giving up and settling in the situation that I'm in. I have big hopes and dreams to be successful, but my peers and environment don't really give me the motivation I need to pursue these aspirations. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are wasting so much potential and I have started to adapt these habits. I don't want to be this way and I feel like there is nobody around me to turn to.

Most of my "friends" are mainly focused on just partying and having a good time. Nobody wants to do anything and I feel like there is nobody to relate to. I currently live by myself and it doesn't help that I rarely hear from my parents like I used to. They used to be my main source of inspiration and motivation, but now it seems like they don't care. It feels like I don't have anyone to talk to, so I spend countless hours in my room doing absolutely nothing. I think I'm a very intelligent person, but lately I have just been procrastinating on everything that I know I need to accomplish, but I will find every excuse to avoid it. Especially if it involves my personal goals.

Deep down I want to be more productive and I want to be more content with my environment, but it is hard. I'm not happy with my current job, but the organization I'm apart of is vital to achieving these goals I have. Mainly, completing my degree, so I can't leave and do something else. Once I earn my degree I can move on to bigger and better things.

I just want to have some people in my life that can motivate me and just be there when I need someone to depend on. I'm the type of person that people come to when they need help, but when I need someone, there is nobody to be found. I can't keep pretending like everything is alright when I feel like my world is in shambles. I just want someone to genuinely care and not focus on my shortcomings. I don't think that is so much to ask for.

I just want some advice on ways I can get back to my normal self and take charge of my life and accomplish the things I set out to do. I know it may seem like I'm being lazy or complaining. I'm sorry, but I guess I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm trapped in a place where I barely know anyone and I have had issues of abandonment in my past and it feels like history is repeating once more. Please, anyone just whatever advice or anything that can benefit me, I'm all ears.

I created an e-mail account for anyone that wants to discuss further. AskMeFi687 at Gmail.com. Thanks

Attachment Issues

alice_curiouse — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 10:16:52 -0800

I am looking for ideas on how to make progress on my attachment issues. Any suggestions? I was wondering if anyone else has had experience with forming attachments too quickly and how they have made progress?

I have been a "loner" and separated from my peers every since I can remember -- since I was five I taken in and out of different schools and was never one place for more than two years. I've never really struggled with being unattactive to the opposite sex, so I've always been able to form fast attachments to male peers based on being the "new girl" and fairly attractive. The closest attachment I've ever formed to a man (my father) ended with his death when I was 18.

At this point in my life (I'm 30) I am having attachment problems.

I tend to be scared of being too attached to people and yet I form attachments very quickly. For example, if I go on a date with someone that I'm super-interested in -- I almost immediately"attach" to them emotionally -- meaning I will begin to imagine/plan the logistics of moving in together, all that "crazy shit" etc. I've compensated for this by having sex with other people in order to keep myself detached and "stay cool".

Also, I have a crazy difficult time in getting to know women. They scare me, I feel that I don't know how to understand them or make conversation with them, so I don't have any female friends and the last friendship I tried to make with a women I screwed up within a week.

What irritates me is that these problems affects so many other areas of my life as well, such as my ability to live alone, work alone, etc. I DO see a therapist and the issue is regularly discussed, so that advice is not necessary in this situation. I was just wondering if anyone has made progress on this sort of issue in their own life. Thanks!

pre-commencement blues

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:22:32 -0800

How should I cope, not with graduation, but the loneliness that will come with it? (A couple of things that I think might be relevant first:

1. I don't know if it's like this at other colleges/universities, but at my school we have activities based on our class (by that, I mean graduation year), and in some sense it is kind of like an extracurricular organization. This means we fundraise and have all sorts of events. It also means that there's a lot of stuff that's very class-oriented. Included in this is senior week, which is basically a week before graduation when the seniors do various activities together, such as go to Six Flags or wine-tasting--the activities change each year. There is actually a gap between finals and graduation, so we are able to pull this off. In addition, in the few days before graduation, there's a senior luncheon, a farewell ceremony, BBQ dinners, and countless other things that aren't part of senior week, but are still very class-oriented.

2. I go to a small four-year liberal arts college less than an hour away from a metropolis on the Eastern Seaboard. Vague, I know, but I do want to be anonymous.)

So I'm a senior. In my past four years here, my interactions with the other people in my class have not been very successful. My first year I got into a few complicated situations with quite a few people, including the people I spent much of freshman year with, and encounters between myself and them have been awkward and strained ever since. I've befriended a few people from classes, only to wind up not speaking to them again when they went abroad or after the class ended. And due to some social/mood issues that I'm currently grappling with (social anxiety disorder, among loads of other things that I'll gladly elaborate on via e-mail), I had a lot of trouble with making and keeping friends. The one person in my year with whom I was even remotely close inexplicably stopped talking to me this semester after returning from academic leave. (That alone did damage to my psyche, simply because we were kind of close and I liked her a lot and will probably never see her again after June, but that's a whole other post...)

The point is, I'm so out of touch with my class that it's not even funny. And it doesn't help that the senior week activities and graduation stuff have recently been announced and the time is nearing. You see, whenever I've gone to events that our class has had in the past, I'd usually not be close enough with most of the people there, so I'd latch on to a group whom I kind of half knew until they ditched me for some other people, and then I'd spend the rest of the night standing around awkwardly until I left on the verge of tears. Every event has been like this, including a beer appreciation class that was primarily made up of seniors. But now I have to face a whole bunch of events throughout my last two weeks here. There's a senior week event that I really want to go to, but the awkwardness is making me have second thoughts. And there are senior lunches, brunches, etc. that are not related to senior week at all, and some of which are mandatory. And then there's graduation itself, which will most likely consist of me introducing my mom to my profs and me chasing said profs down while my mom asks me if I'm going to introduce her to my friends, who are more or less nonexistent. And in the few days after, I'll see further proof that I don't exist to the rest of my class on Facebook and other fora, when everyone will be taking pictures of everyone else and putting them up on Facebook albums. While I don't mean to be shallow, I would like some pictorial proof that I had friends at college, admittedly for other people in addition to myself. (I am aware that that is a huge insecurity thing, and I'm working on it. I know my logic is flawed, but I can't seem to get over it.)

I have a feeling that that's pretty much how it will pan out. And it hurts me to no end. Whenever my profs talk about their college days and how important college friends are, I almost cry because virtually none of the few friends I have are in my own year. And I have a feeling that once I leave, I'm not going to talk much to the underclasspeople I know, some of whom will be seniors themselves. Sometimes I wonder if, when I get married or something and I put it in the alumni bulletin/e-mail newsletter thing, if anyone will care and say "Congratulations on your marriage/baby/promotion/etc.!" I don't think anyone will. I mean, does anyone in my class care now?

There are very few seniors in the classes I'm taking now, and even less in the extracurriculars I'm in, so I've pretty much given up hope of finding an '09 social circle that I can call my own before June. But I want to have some fun. I want to go to these events and not get nervous, but I'm not sure if I can because I'll just be standing around awkwardly while everyone else is talking to everyone else. Meanwhile, I want to prove to people--mostly family, since I did have problems with social stuff in high school, also--that I did indeed talk to people at college.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I guess maybe a sounding board or something, since I know you guys on AskMe are incredibly blunt, yet oddly comforting. Did anyone here not make friends in college? Or was in the same boat as me? How did you handle it? What should I do?

Throwaway e-mail: lonelyatgraduation@gmail.com

Dealing with sleeping alone.

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:47:25 -0800

I'm having trouble going to bed alone. It's wrecking me. I don't want to be alone. Help? Hi,

I'm a pretty independent guy in college who, by choice, doesn't count a single person as his closest friend—male or female. After some experiences with friendship in high school, I decided that I would work a lot with myself on being alone.

So far, I love it. When I walk around, I love the fact that I don't have to call a person up to go to a movie; that I can sit wherever I want at meals; that I've stopped caring about what other people think of me. That being said, I have a lot of company, but only when I want it. Normally I walk alone. I am very happy.

But often lately, when I go to bed, it's physically painful to grab at the sheets and realize that there's no one there. I've never felt this kind of loneliness before, and what I find myself wanting is someone to hold at night. But I have no idea how I might go about finding someone to sleep with, but not have sex with, not have a relationship with, not be best friends with.

Is this what a relationship is for? What I want is a warm body to hold at night and wake up with. This might sound jerkish, but that's all I want; I don't want to woo someone, or take him or her out to dinner.

Currently, it's not helping that the fantasy of someone there has been manifesting itself as various crushes I've had recently, on guys that I've been friends with or associate with. But for reasons of my crush, have had to slowly back away from them. (They're straight; I'm bi.) It's kind of killing me.

I don't think I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, insofar as I value my own agency. That is, I like being singular.

So my question is this: How do I cope with a loneliness that manifests itself only when I'm trying to go to bed, when the one thing I want at that moment is another person? I wake up the next morning largely okay, but in truth, I want someone there.

I realize that I might be really looking for a roommate, as I now live in a single dorm room. But I go to a school that's composed largely of single rooms, and procuring a roommate would be cumbersome/awkward. (And in reality, the only roommate I would want would be a crush of mine. And I'm not sure that's a great idea.) Plus, a roommate by definition doesn't sleep with you.

Gah. I'm stuck. Help.

Help: My life is a rut but I feel too sad to get out

Hina — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 07:30:33 -0800

Lost my current life and all of my friends: how can I let go and move forward? It all started last autumn, when my best friend returned from taking a break from school. I didn't mind much that she was spending less time with me. She was simply making new friends. Then she told me that she had abruptly broken up with her boyfriend to start dating... my long-time secret infatuation. Because I had never revealed this directly to anyone, I could not express the grief that I felt. They broke up abruptly though, concluding with my friend quitting school entirely. I was left very upset by this and have not seen both of them since.

I am 23; I recently changed my major so my school friends are all graduating this Spring, and are all currently in love, too busy with degree projects or their greater social lives to make time for hanging out.

Most recently, I found someone that I really wanted to get to know but he disappeared before I got up the courage to make the first conversation.

I try to think clearly and realize that I haven't one person I can confide with or spend time with regularly. People don't usually warm up to me, and because I had almost no friends for 5 years up until college, I am socially out-of-practice. These recent losses feel that much more momentous for me.

I was advised into take a semester off and quite frankly, it isn't relaxing at all, since I spend more time alone than ever. I'm compensating by taking extracurricular classes and attending public gatherings, but I pretty much encounter the same group of people from school or those outside of my age group. The experience of trying to find a job was a dismal one.

So recently, I have been taking bus trips out of town just to walk around and to think, or not think, because I end up crying sometimes. I feel unmotivated and I know that next semester will be challenging with me moving into a difficult living situation in a city I dislike, in a school I am taking forever graduating in with much younger peers. In the back of my mind, I feel inclined to take off and start my life over somewhere far away, so that I won't be constantly reminded of this place and the people I loved and have lost.

What should I do?

You only have yourself to blame.

Point n Click — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 09:14:06 -0800

On the Fox Reality Channel, how much time passes between "tests and treatments" on the reality show Solitary v3.0? Watching episodes of Solitary v3.0 makes it seems as though the tests and treatments are on "back to back" days. Is this correct?

Since there are 9 contestants, with one being eliminated each episode, and the final two facing off, that would 8 days total solitary confinement for the winner and the first place runner-up, hypothetically. Can just two or three days of solitary confinement for the non-winning contestants (while doing tests and treatments) really make the contestants act so emotionally fragile and on edge? Are there really several days between tests and treatments to draw out the effects of the solitary confinement and loneliness and push the contestants to the breaking point? How long does it normally take for someone in solitary confinement to start to show signs of mental and emotional distress? Are the tests and treatments really that brutal (as to overshadow the solitary confinement and be the real cause of the contestants loosening grip on reality)?

I feel used. I want a close friendship.

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:30:01 -0800

How do I get over the feeling that I need to be useful in order for people to like/tolerate me? [anon due to the people in my metafilter contacts list]

I like to help people. I really do. I get good grades, so that's how I help people. How to do X. Essay look-overs. How to do research at the university level. I'm in university and I'm good at this.

Any close friendship I've had have disintegrated. Unless high school and university friendships really do degrade often, I think it's fair to assume that I consistently do something wrong.

I think the thing I did wrong that I talked/talk about myself too much. I really like knowledge for knowledge's sake, but I've learned to avoid discussing any of that except to let people laugh at how much 'weird' stuff I enjoy knowing. (Generic example of 'weird': I like learning Latin for fun. Latin is useful for my vocabulary, dangit!)

I don't go whining/venting to everyone, just close friends, and I've TRIED to stop whining, full-stop. I fail a lot, and it makes me feel guilty. People don't really need to know if I'm tired, or hungry, or whatever, even if I only mention it briefly. I try to only mention those things if I thing it'll work as a gambit for them to vent and take over the conversation, which, for me, is great. Being in control of a conversation makes me anxious, because I worry I'll whine too much. I tend to repeat questions when this happens because I get so nervous about being in control of the conversation.

Having a friend get too close (on an emotional level, where they expect me to talk about my feelings) makes me anxious. I don't want to talk about any of that. Bottling things up works for me, works for them, everyone's happy.

Combined with a few people who really DID use me, you can see where this is going.

I don't trust people. I'll hang out with them, and have fun with them, but I won't discuss things that interest me or how I feel. To this day, most conversations I have with people start because they need something from me. I certainly won't ask them for much beyond eating lunch with me.

Even asking a VERY nice, open, local religious figure (think "clergy" of a legitimate religion, not cult) a simple question makes me anxious. I don't want to take up someone's time, because I worry it'll alienate them. I think I should be useful instead.

I really want to feel comfortable around people without worrying about whether I'm being useful enough to keep them satisfied. Any ideas?

Should a reclusive borderline try to meet people or find intimacy? If so, how?

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 08:34:32 -0800

Long post about my struggle with friendlessness, shyness and borderline personality disorder inside. Short form: how does a shy, sensitive, friendless guy meet kind, like-minded people and build up a social support network, and should a borderline avoid seeking a partner altogether? My apologies for the long post.

I'm male, approaching my mid-twenties, living in Brisbane, Australia. I lost my parents to a car accident when I was in my early teens. I lived with my grandmother until I was 17, and then moved out on my own. She has since developed Alzheimer's and now has a full-time carer. I see her far less often than I should.

I didn't enjoy school, I had few close friends and was generally unliked. I felt very strong negative emotions whenever I was teased or criticised, and my only external reaction to being hurt was to become completely silent. I had always been very shy, but became much more so after I entered boarding school. I had one intense relationship from about age 14 to 17, which ended with me being dumped. I realise that's not atypical, but I mention it because it's the only emotionally intimate relationship I've ever had.

Not long after this relationship ended and I left school I became totally reclusive, leaving my apartment only to go grocery shopping and for haircuts and dental appointments and little else, really. There's a multitude of reasons for it. First and foremost though, I feel incredibly uncomfortable around people; I hate being judged or rejected and I'm terrified of the powerful negative emotions that being emotionally close to someone can stir up. Sometimes I feel as though simple financial opportunity also keeps me here - if I had to go out and work, I probably would. Other times though I feel completely helpless, as though if it weren't for the inheritance I'd be homeless and utterly unable to function. I feel very ashamed of myself for achieving so little in life.

My days have consisted of little more than reading, watching television and browsing the web. After a while I got sick of fiction and started to only watch the news and documentaries on television, read news websites and expose myself to a wide variety of opinions on various political topics and educate myself on the various things that interested me; liberal political ideologies, economics, technology and science, chemistry, physics, programming, electronics, business, sociology, history, religion, that sort of thing. I feel like I have a fully-fledged personality, but it hasn't ever really been exposed to anyone.

For a while I maintained some friendships over the internet. However when my ex-girlfriend reached out to me a couple of years ago as a friend, I became far too enamoured far too quickly, experienced rapid mood swings and overwhelmingly powerful emotions (positive and negative), I started blaming her for everything, experienced rages and then one evening a suicide attempt and hospitalisation. After that I cut off all ties with everyone, both out of shame for what I had done and fear of feeling those emotions again. I visited a psychiatrist again and received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, the description of which really rang true for me, aptly describing my emotions and post-predicting much of my behaviour in relationships through most of my teens and beyond, as well as my personality when dealing with people I'm forced to deal with (like the barber and dentist and so on), which is always incredibly friendly and deeply interested in whatever they have to say, regardless of whether i really care or agree.

I've tried therapy and medication, on and off for years, with a few different professionals. There's some comfort in knowing there's an explanation for my shyness, rapidly changing moods and intensely overpowering emotions, but ultimately I found therapy and medication to be ineffective, even though I tried it with hope and an open mind. I remained terribly lonely and unable to meet people.

However after this most recent lonely new year's eve I decided to finally stop feeling so sorry for myself and try to turn things around and get out and meet people. I stopped blaming my past for all my problems and finally accepted that I did most of this to myself. There's also a creeping sense of desperation that my life is slipping away from me, that before I know it I'll have missed my entire youth. 23 is still early enough for me to turn things around and have some semblance of a normal life. I'm sick of being a loner.

Since starting to entertain the notion of going out or even *gasp* finding a girlfriend a whole new raft of insecurities have cropped up. I worry people will find me terribly boring, who could ever be attracted to someone so insecure and needy, someone who can't even sort out his own life, i have serious body-image issues, lack of sexual experience (I'm a virgin), i'm too self-centred, what if people find out i'm crazy (do i even tell them?), men are supposed to be assertive and secure, blah blah, the list goes on and on and on. I'm fairly confident most of these insecurities will go away over time, I just have to push through them and force myself to try.

But more importantly, I don't want to hurt anyone like I have in the past with stupid shit like suicide attempts and terrible rages and blaming people for all my problems. There are some who view borderline personality disorder as an uncontrollable and endless series of manipulations, and while I disagree and find that opinion deeply damaging and hurtful, there's no denying that my actions and inability to cope with powerful emotions have caused deep pain to people, for which I've only recently been able to apologise.

After the new year began I asked an old school friend to meet up some time. Just this week he and his girlfriend came over for dinner. There were a few moments where we all seemed to enjoy ourselves. I forced myself to turn off my default "I'm fascinated by everything you're interested in" personality but I had difficulty connecting since I don't have many experiences to draw conversation from and neither of them are into politics or follow the news or have much interest in science or anything I had to say, really. After I had mentioned off-hand that I "hadn't been out in years", they invited me to go out clubbing with them the rest of the evening. I turned it down, thinking it'd be far too much far too soon, and then they left. I felt good about the evening for a while but soon after I felt quite apprehensive that they may have found me quite boring or weird.

I don't really know what to do next. My other few friends from school have left the country.

So, given all of this;

How does an almost completely friendless person find friends? How do I meet people? I would find it easier to relate to people who have similar interests to mine; so, current events, politics (more socially left-wing than not, but totally open-minded and not blindly aligning to either side), science, skepticism in general (including atheism but not preachy about it), economics, media, society in general. Preferably quite intelligent people. All of this with the caveat that I'm extremely shy and fragile, and that's not likely to go away until I get a lot of practise socialising. I don't think I'd ever enjoy the bar scene or music festivals or anything like that, which is unfortunately what my old school friend seems to enjoy the most.

What am I going to do if I do actually find someone with whom I can be close? Should I explain how insecure I am, how easy it is to set off mood swings? Should I just avoid seeking a partner entirely, for now?

How do I explain locking myself away for the last 5 years without totally creeping people out?

Fellow recluses, shybies or borderlines, I'm also interested in your anecdotes of recovery or coping.

Thanks.

Spending a long weekend alone.

inatizzy — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 07:25:50 -0800

I'm off work the next four days over the New Year's holiday & weekend. I am usually a very social person, but I live alone and I don't have much of anything planned this weekend. And I'm worried about spending the whole weekend alone, because I think I will get really lonely and unhappy. How can I enjoy myself? I've reached out to a few friends to hang out, but have no commitments yet and may get none. I usually go out swing dancing on the weekend, which gives me lots of social interaction, but there's nothing this weekend. I live alone in a 2-room studio that can sometimes feel a little claustrophobic/isolating and I get cabin fever if I spend too much time alone there, especially if I don't have something social to look forward to.

So I'm worried about getting bored and depressed and feeling lonely the whole time this weekend, which would be pretty awful and unbearable. I usually keep myself pretty busy outside the house, probably in order to avoid this type of discomfort, so with this weekend not having much in the way of busy-ness, I'm at a loss for what to do with myself and how to cope.

I have the option to spend a few hundred dollars and go away to a dance conference at a hotel for these days, which would surround me with people and activities. (Mostly people I don't know, but there’d be a couple of friends.) But I am afraid I'd just be running away from a problem that I would benefit from solving.

It can get pretty bad with long times alone at home without plans. Feeling very sorry for myself, like no one loves me, like I am all alone and no one cares, like I am wasting my time, like I am trapped there alone and unhappy. To alleviate this on normal weekends, I often go to a cafe with my laptop just so I can be around people. But I can only do that for so long (not for 4 days!) and we're looking at bad weather this weekend (snow and extreme cold) so it won't be easy to go out of the house. Plus, most public places will be closed tomorrow for New Year’s holiday.

So I guess my question is, is there a way that I can overcome this loneliness/sadness/worry this weekend and really enjoy all this unstructured responsibility-free alone time? How would I spend the time? It sounds like it should be a wonderful thing but it is just making me really anxious, as you can tell.

Or would it just be better for me to give in to my need to be around people and go to this dance conference? Sorry for the length; I appreciate your advice!

How to build a new social circle?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:14:14 -0800

How do I build myself a new social circle from scratch? Long story, I'll try to make it short.

In my childhood, my family moved a lot around the country, so I don't have any friends in any of those cities. When my father finally settled down, I moved out to go to college 1500 miles away, so no friends there either.

In the six years I spent in this city, I made some real good friends, just to move to another city (about 300 miles away) because of work. A couple of friends there, 18 months later, guess what? Moved to the other extreme of the country for a nice job opportunity, and nine months in I got transferred to the city in which I live today, since 2005.

In this job I travel a lot, and because of that I don't keep in touch with people from the office; also, the work environment is quite harsh and people aren't usually friends with each other. I brought my girlfriend to live with me, but she couldn't get a job, so we didn't have many friends from her side either. We broke up, she left, and I briefly dated another girl (whom I had known in the "other extreme of the country" and moved here), just to break up a couple of weeks ago.

I still travel a lot, don't have any friends from the work and is hard to keep in touch with friends from the previous cities, as they go on with their lives and we usually end up losing contact.

Now I have this big challenge: I am not leaving this city anytime soon, as I'm making good money, the company is nice and I have a decent living standard. I just need to make new friends, meet new people, perhaps a new girlfriend, I don't know. I am a shy person and have been in therapy for 12 months treating what? Social phobia :)

With that (awful lot) said, what are your suggestions for me to make new friends and start a new personal life?

"Embrace your code with the elegant grip of Python...-" Wait, what?

curagea — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:45:34 -0800

An overly romantic person in a non-romantic world... help! Let's start with some background:

I am SERIOUSLY romantic. I think in romantic terms and sometimes want to do something purely through intuition and emotion. It's not like "Oh, thine eyes shine with the stars", nothing overly cheesy, but I'm one of those people who stares at the night sky and dream of the beyond, the city lights, the freeways, and how everything comes together, who's watching from that building across the street. Then I stare down at a stray cat on the sidewalk and think "Where are you going, kitty in the streetlight? Were you searching for the meal that never came?" Or I could go on a journey and never come home, finding enlightenment along the way. Stuff like that. It doesn't help that this romanticism seeps into my daily life so that I view even the most casual banal things in a romantic light ("the car blinkers throb in impatience...").

Which leads to me feeling alienated. Growing up with a huge imagination and no one to share it with, I always felt like the odd one out. I rather stare at the city lights and compose the next poem in my head, but this may happen at a CompSci get-together, the most recent case being a rooftop party for Microsoft recruiting candiates. Since I'm a CompSci major, I encounter a lot of techies, but true to stereotypes, they are mostly "hurhur, GTA!" or discussing tech-related jobs and code. And I honestly can't relate to them, I can't think like them, leading to me drifting off to the side and sitting alone.

Don't get me wrong: I like technology. I can code well and learn programming languages; currently I'm fairly fluent in Java, C/++, Python, and hopefully Ruby on Rails soon. I like following the latest tech trends. But I'm also a very artsy person, in fact more creative than technical, and love to talk about philosophy and other similar subjects like how the human mind works, even if I barely know enough about these things. I want to talk in my "natural" language - full of imagery and description, rather than "That was AWESOME" (which I feel is terribly overused). And I have a head full of ideas that aren't remotely CompSci-related.

Sad thing is, even the more "artistic" people - poets, artists, and writers - that I've met so far don't have that romantic edge that I have. Their world is full of postmodernism (highly unromantic IMO) and increasingly, digital media (by the way, I'm talking about Berkeley). It's like human romance/true love is a dying art or something. So I'm left feeling like I don't belong to ANY group at all, and no one can love as I can. There's a few people that I find solace in, but I'm emphasizing "few".

Am I overthinking? Am I just old-fashioned, a modern Thoreau or Robert Frost or Shakespeare? Am I putting a romantic or philosophical spin in the wrong places? I've long accepted that it's not necessary to fit in a group, that I could even form my own niche and be the sole member, but sometimes.... it gets lonely.

Unhappy Birthday

Ash3000 — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 20:16:19 -0800

I had a shitty birthday today that seemed to confirm all my suspicions about my friendships, and my life in general, and now I'm not sure how to rebound. Here's the deal - as my questions in the past would seem to indicate, it's been a long, hard journey for me to get past the emotionally abusive household I grew up in, and the number of terrible incidents I dealt with in my adolescent and teen years, to become a person who does not consider himself depressed, or socially awkward. In the past two years, I feel like I've started to have friends, to really like myself as a person, to like the direction my life was going in personally and professionally - and, despite some awful relationship experiences, things've seemed to be continuing in that fashion.

But then, I turned 24 today, and for some reason the way that my friends treated it has me questioning all of that.

I sent an online invite a week ago to all my friends - instead of having it for a big party, it was for a bunch of small things I'd be doing in the NYC area, where I live, on Saturday and Sunday - going to improv shows, having dinner together, etc. Only a few friends RSVPed, but that was fine. Then, of the three things I had penciled in for today (Coney Island, movie, dinner), the first two had to be canceled for weather and reservations respectively - fine, no one was going with me to either anyway. Despite sending it out to 100 friends, just one good friend said she'd go to dinner with me tonight. I was really looking forward to it, even if it was just me and one other person, partially b/c the only proper celebration of my birthday had been going to the movies on Saturday evening with two old friends. Before dinner at 9pm, I spent most of the day sleeping off the fact I spent all night alone, watching a local improv marathon at a favorite spot.

I got an e-mail from her at 6pm, saying she was hung over from seeing an old college friend the previous night, and couldn't make it out, but maybe we could hang out in a week or two.

For some reason, I got so depressed that I just stayed inside. I literally did nothing during my birthday.

It was really just a visceral emotional punch, but the more I think about it the more I feel like I understand why it was so potent for me: the fear that I might have no real friends. About 30 people said "Happy Birthday!" on my facebook wall. By contrast, six people bothered to let me know if they wanted to spend time, yes or no, on my birthday weekend, four people total spent any time with me on Friday or Saturday, even if just 15 minutes in their neighborhood, and this one friend I really considered close decided to let me know off-minute that our birthday dinner was off b/c she got drunk the previous night.

I feel off-keel somehow. Has anyone dealt with something like this? Like they fundamentally question not just their friendships, but any so-called progress they've made as a person?

Hung up and perplexed.

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:09:09 -0800

How do I get over my hang ups and start to live? I'm a strange guy, mid-twenties, smart and socially awkward. Here's where I diverge from the half the people here that describes: I was 'home-schooled,' which in my case meant being left to my own devices, often isolated from peers, for many of my formative years. No prom, no wedgies, no Lookout Point. My adolescence helplessly spent under what some would call neglect or abuse, as I tried not to go completely mad. For reasons of parental health, I'm living under the same roof; but I'm rarely ever home, and only to tend to what must be tended to (I'll leave it at that).

I busy myself working for a decent wage, volunteering loads of time in the community, meeting lots of new people, and using whatever's left to fix what's wrong with me. I've got a newish car, I started dressing metro (shut up), eating better, working out a bit, at parties I try to drink until I'm interesting (I tend to be more random when I'm halfway sloshed).

But I'm still an outsider; I can feel it. I'll be invited to a BBQ, a house party, a show, but I've never been invited to a bachelor party. Something about me screams to them I would not be fun in this situation, and it's probably right. My social abilities are inconsistent, at the least. Sometimes things just flow, and I can walk about a crowded room, and make the rounds with everyone; and other times, I'll stop at the door, and this brutal thought just hits me that I'm a weirdo, will always be a weirdo, and will never fit in. All the worse, I'm a total introvert, so just convincing myself to make the effort is often a small battle in itself.

So because the general tone of my self-regard is that I'm this oddball, I'm very passive rather than proactive with and within social gatherings. That is, I've never arranged a party, and only arranged a few meet ups (mainly because I'm afraid to cross the line on inviting casual acquaintances, and of the dejection of people not showing up). Now, most of my friends have huge networks they've relied on since school for most of their social and professional lives -- I don't have that. I think I want something like that, but first I have to figure out how, if possible, to transcend, overcome, or work around either the perception that I'm too weird for the inner circle, or the burdensome fear of the same. I think the main thing is I feel like I'm walking around with something to hide: a shameful past, and unglamorous present. I think it makes me guarded.

There's no question mark in the bulk there because I'm not sure what the question ought to be. I've hit all the standard self-improvement marks I've been capable of so far, but there's something in the way of my taking full advantage of what's in front of me.

Help me get the hell out of Dodge (or rather, Arizona) and on track to feeling good again!

actionpact — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 11:10:22 -0800

My life is stuck and it's making me feel incredibly depressed. Help me see the light and get on track for getting out of here. This is long and a mess, and if you read it all the way through you're a champ because I feel like there's no simple catch-all answer to my problem. (I thank you in advance!)

I'm feeling this huge weight on myself that I just can't figure out how to shake. I'm relatively young (25 on Tuesday!) and a girl, and I moved cross country from CT to AZ two years ago to shorten up a long-distance relationship. Stupidly though, I really wanted to be carless, due to environmental and financial concerns. Since then I've spent most of my time being self-employed as an illustrator-- I love what I do, but so far I'm not being successful enough to stand on my own two feet. Jobs come sporadically, and checks come even more so. This is a huge point of stress for me, but I've always been told it takes a lot of time and effort to get off the ground, so I've been mostly okay with that. But the financial concerns are big. The mister has been really supportive and pays most of the expenses, but I'm still struggling over student loans and some small credit card debt. I bought myself a tricycle a year ago (didn't know how to ride a real bike, still don't yet) and it helped with my sanity level. I figured I could get around a little more and get a part time job to supplement things. But it got stolen a month and a half ago and I'm once again effectively a shut-in. Except for mister actionpact's friends, I really haven't met anyone here (despite some small efforts of trying), and certainly no one I feel close to, and no one I can be creative with. My close friends are scattered across the country now, and I miss them constantly.

Since I moved out here, I held two part time jobs-- each lasted slightly under a month and then I just quit, not showing up to work again. To be fair the reasons weren't totally offbase-- one I quit because my dad was in the hospital and I thought I'd need to go home, and the other I quit because it was too far for me to bike (nearly passed out in the process) in the dead of summer. But still, I'm embarrassed at the way I just ditched those jobs. Very unprofessional. I tried to apply to some more jobs around here since then but so far have found nothing. The jobs I've applied to never phone back. I figured that owning my own business and being self-employed would be a plus, but I'm afraid I'm unemployable. I can't seem to figure out what kind of useful skills I do have, so it makes the job hunt hard. I'm nice and friendly, though I'm not especially pretty, so I have been turned down from waitressing jobs, for example. I'm also afraid to look for a full time job because I know myself and I would probably slack on my creative efforts if I put my whole time into another job. Plus, I don't like it here, and I'm afraid to settle into a job and get stuck here. (Irrational? Sure!) I know I'm depressed about this all, and could use some therapy, but to make matters worse I'm uninsured, and the only therapist I could get to currently I can't really afford.

I know I'm young, and I know that things aren't entirely hopeless; fortunately I've been blessed with supportive family and my boyfriend, and I have an unsinkable optimism that things will eventually turn around. But I still feel pretty darn trapped right now. It's causing mild strain to my relationship which could further escalate, and I really don't want that. I started seriously exercising last week to help with the depression levels and feel more energetic. I just don't know what else I should do. A friend offered to teach me how to drive, and I believe we have a spare car I could use. But I've been so reluctant to do so. I don't know if it's the fact I'm already broke so the cost of gas seems impossible, or my own strong feelings on the subject of car use. Maybe there's something I could donate to in order to offset the emissions once I had more money. I've tried really hard to be carfree, but maybe I can't win this fight. This is a car place, so maybe I just have to live with the guilt for now.

Well, anyway I know this is long and I must apologize in advance (but it does feel good to vent). I know there are lots of people who have it much worse, so this kind of feeling mostly just makes me want to kick my own ass. But I know I'm not living up to my potential and it's making me sad, because I know there's a lot of good I could do if I were less afraid and more in control of my life. Mister actionpact and I both agree this is not the place for me; I hate it here really. I keep wanting to make a change (like move to someplace like Portland OR, or go to grad school at the School of Visual Arts in NYC) but I just don't know how to get there at this point. Any suggestions of what I should do? I know people say 'if you have an idea, make the leap! It can't hurt' or something like that--but it's really hard when I'm clouded by depression and loneliness and financial strains.

And maybe on a more specific note, could you answer this question? When I apply to jobs I don't know how to bring up the subject of those two jobs from the past. A friend of mine told me that these are crap jobs and you don't have to write these down, but more and more places have background checks so I don't know. Sometimes I don't write them down as part of my job history, sometimes I do. Either way I haven't gotten any work out of it-- not sure whether it's due to a lie of omission or the bad portrait it paints of me. I am a good worker, I just can't figure out how to show them this.

Thanks in advance. I've read a lot of helpful questions already but I still feel incredibly stuck, so I hope I can make 25 a better year than 23 and 24 have been!

How to overcome loneliness?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:53:15 -0800

How do I deal with loneliness? How do I accept being single? I'm a 31 year old female, a decent looking and pretty nice human being. I have never been in a relationship. (I'm that girl who people point at and exclaim, "Why is she single? I don't understand it!) This used to really, really bother me. There have been attempts that always lasted 3 weeks or less, generally with me getting dumped. I fell for one of these guys and was pretty devastated when it ended. A friend said to me: the best way to get over this, to feel good about yourself and to find someone else is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF. (And having read all the singledom threads on Metafilter many times, the most common advice does seem to be: when you stop looking, someone will find you. It just happens.)

So this is what I did. I stopped putting myself out there and focused on me. I went back to school and got a graduate degree in a field I love. I went on several traveling adventures through Asia, Europe, the Middle East and Africa. I made good friends. I took up photography. I joined a wine club and a book club and had a grand ole time.

And then recently I woke up one morning and found myself a hundred times lonelier than I was before. The strategy hasn't worked and I don't know what to do.

How do I deal with this loneliness that is, frankly, ruining my life? How do I accept being single and most likely not having a child?

Note: I am not depressed. I have been in the past, and medicated. This feels entirely different. I also already have a therapist.

Anonymous simply because a couple of these 3 week disasters have been with people on Metafilter and, well, I'm embarrassed. Thanks.

Now what?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:31:32 -0800

Should-we-break-up-filter. My romantic partner and I have been together for nearly six years. We have long considered ourselves to be pretty much perfect for each other. We share a sense of humor, we like the same books, we have great, stimulating intellectual conversations. For the first few years of our relationship we were the disgusting always-together couple. We joked that we accumulated more time spent together in 3 years than most couples do in 10.
We started dating during college, during which time we both gradually lost all contact with our friends from high school. Neither of us made many lasting friends during college. I made one good friend, though, and got in tight with his friend group. She likes them, and they like her, but the group has always been a little more my friends than hers, leaving her without a strong set of her own friends that she could see regularly. She did repeatedly make different friends, but they all tended to flake out sooner or later.
Last summer she met a friend through work, met his friends, and over the course of a few months developed a nice, strong friend group of her own. Over the past year she has spent increasingly greater amounts of time with that friend group. Since my friends were busy getting regular jobs, while I still had a very variable schedule, I ended up not getting to see my friends much, and also not getting to see her much, because she was out with her new people. At the height of this, she was out with her friends four nights a week every week, and I had night classes two of the nights she wasn't out. Her days off and my days off didn't coincide, so we only had one night per week actually spent with each other, besides a few hours here and there. During those "unscheduled" times together, she wouldn't really be on. She'd just want to watch tv and chat with her friends online.
I asked to be more involved in her life, both when she's with her friends and when she's not. She obliged me, but only to a very limited extent. Even when her friends were doing things that I enjoy doing with them (and that, as far as I can tell, they like having me along for) I still was invited along less than half the time. She still was out without me 3 or 4 nights per week. The times that she did schedule to be in with me, neither of us would have any fun. She'd sit on the couch, watch tv and chat. I'd sit in the bedroom and get drunk.
During the past few months she has also been undergoing what she has referred to as "a crisis of responsibility." She had to work much more than I did during college, and was just burned out from working hard for several years on end. She decided she needed a working vacation. She reduced her course load at her graduate program, and then withdrew altogether. She quit her (low supervisory position) job to take a lower-paying job with fewer responsibilities at a store where all her friends hang out. As has been mentioned, she spent a ton of time hanging out with friends. She'd been working harder and more than me for quite some time, and so while I was a little hesitant at some of these decisions, I respected them. She wanted to take a break from life for six months or a year, work someplace fun, reduce her stress level, and be happy. We're at a rare time in our lives where she can actually do that, so I thought ok, this is her chance to get it out of her system.
About 3 months ago, she told me that she'd been having romantic feelings toward one of her friends. That many nights when she said she was out with the whole gang, it was really just him. Nothing had happened between them, but she still felt guilty. Well, this wasn't that big an issue. We had played around with other people in the bedroom in the past, and had also experimented with the poly thing. She had tried having a girlfriend in the past, but it hadn't worked. I told her to go ahead and date this guy on the side, but I laid some ground rules. I told her I wanted to know when anything in their relationship progressed beyond casual dating and makeouts on the couch. I told her that there was one particular relationship dynamic that she was not allowed to enter into with him. She agreed, life went on. She continued with the relaxin' life style. Our relationship did not improve. Occasionally I got specific updates on what their relationship was like. None of it particularly concerned me. The entire time I felt a little bit jealous, but nothing overwhelming, and I was still trying to let her have space, let her have her own stuff, and above all do what made her happy.
Last night I was reading an online journal of hers and it finally clicked with me that I was being played. She and her boyfriend had entered into the dynamic which I had specifically nixed, and she had not told me about it, despite the fact that this dynamic had been going on for a month or two, and we had talked about their relationship a few times during that period.
I talked to her about it this morning. She admitted that it was occurring, that she knew it was not supposed to be. She did not immediately say she would stop, which stung a bit. We talked for awhile and what came out was: 1) going with the flow, doing the stuff she wanted with him, and not telling me had been easier and more fun than either not doing it or else asking me again if she could. 2) she's really been all about what's easy and fun lately. 3) She has felt like I haven't been pursuing her, I haven't been interested/wanted her. 4) She knows I'm the right person for her, long term, but right now there's just nothing there. What would be easy and fun right now would be to keep doing what she's doing (dating him and having effectively no relationship with me) or to break up with me for a few months until she's done with her vacation and ready to come back. Eventually she said that what she thought would be best would be to break it off with him and for both of us to re-invest ourselves in our relationship, even if that wasn't the fun and easy thing to do.

Further complicating factors:
When she dropped out of school, I was also feeling the burnout, and had lined up a sweet job interview. We decided that if I got the job, I would put my graduate education on hold, too, we would both work for awhile, and we would get married (we had already been engaged for some time, but the wedding date had been "when we're done with school.") If I didn't get the job, I would find another and still do the same. Well, I didn't get the job, and I couldn't find another good one. I decided that continuing my degree, at least until something came up, was the best decision. Meanwhile, she had dropped out, and suddenly felt like we had agreed to jump off a cliff together, only when she jumped I didn't. After explaining my reasoning, she agreed it was sound. We decided to go ahead and get married anyway. In hindsight, I think maybe the decision was made as a way of shoring up the relationship and convincing each other that we were both still serious. Obviously, this is not a good reason to get married. By the time the latest shit hit the proverbial fan, we had already told several friends and family members of our wedding plans, and invested some money. Not much, but we're poor, so abandoning it would hurt.
Now we're left with a few possible choices. Do we re-invest ourselves in this relationship, make it work, and get married as planned?
Do we do as above, but cancel the wedding plans until things have become more stable?
Do we have her go take off and sow her wild oats for a couple months, then come back for fast-track rehabilitation and marriage?
Do we send her off for a couple months while canceling the marriage?
Or do we break up more or less for realsies, in which case I go be single for a year and then see whether I want her back in my life with that perspective?

Please send serious questions, private advice, requests for continued correspondence, whatever, to breakupfilter at gmail dot com