I swear I'm not anti-social.

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 09:48:38 -0800

Is moving in with a friend always a bad idea? Are some people just better suited to live by themselves? A friend asked to be roommates for the coming school year. This is a person I get along with rather well and share the same interests in. If I had to have a roommate, this is probably the ideal person to go with. I currently live by myself in a one-bedroom apartment. Rent is $1200 in a college community, so splitting this half ways would be a real financial benefit to me.

The issue is whether or not this is a good idea for the friendship and for my living preferences. The first year I went off to school, I did the residence hall thing and ended up with a dud of a roommate which soured me on the idea of living with someone else when I did get an apartment. Also, as with most people, I like having my own space when I come home and just want to relax after work/school.

As for the friendship, I've heard quite a few horror stories about friends who become anything but once they live together. Am I making this out to be a bigger deal than it should be? I'd really hate to lose a friend over something like this that is purely voluntary. Again, I'm not terribly particular about my living situation, but I can't decide whether the giving up some space and freedom is outweighed by halving my expense (which again, would be really really great).

Like most major life decisions, I think it's best to outsource it to the brain-ey MeFites. Past experiences and general advice for both outcomes are welcome.

I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation.

ranglin — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:48:22 -0800

I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation. Details inside (apologies for the length). Here's the story:

Back in June, my wife and I were living in Sydney, but not enjoying it very much. We thought about packing our bags and going back to the Gold Coast, but we didn't have anything to go back to. However, through discussions with my parents, we found out that they'd put us up if we wanted to come back, and that my Dad would give me some casual work at his company to tide me over. This was really helpful and I really appreciated the offer from my parents, which was very generous.

So, we took the plunge and moved back to the Gold Coast and in with my parents. I took the work with Dad, but we were lucky to pretty quickly get back on our feet, with my wife finding a full-time job and with me finding some teaching work at my old place of employment. Since the teaching was casual, I kept on working for Dad and fit the teaching work around the Dad work, doing both. We also decided to stay with Mum & Dad for a few more months to try and pay off some debt, which they said they were okay with (but maybe not... see below).

Anyway, this went along okay for a while, and then Mum & Dad decided to move house. In the meantime, my sister (M; 22 years old and working full-time but having trouble with her boyfriend) had moved back home and my other sister (K; 21 years old, still studying) had always been there, so their were six of us in the house ready to move (I'm the oldest son, with two younger sisters and a younger brother out of home). Mum & Dad had found a nice big house with six bedroom/studies further up the coast and started planning the move.

This is where the feud begins. We had a look at the house and found that it had 3 bedrooms upstairs, as well as a study-type room and a master bedroom. One of the bedrooms (apart from the master) had an ensuite, with the other two sharing a communal bathroom (with two doors). The house also had a smaller bedroom downstairs near the front door intended as a guest room, and also a single bathroom downstairs. After some consideration, Mum & Dad decided to put my two sisters in two of the bedrooms upstairs (M in one of the rooms with the communal bathroom, K in the room with the ensuite), and put myself and my wife in the small guest room downstairs, rather than the much larger bedroom upstairs. When my wife and I pointed out that the two of us would struggle to fit in such a small room, especially with our king size bed (we'd have to have had our bedside tables in the dining room!), they consulted some more, but ultimately decided that we should still have the room downstairs, because M didn't want to share her bathroom and because K thought we'd be too noisy in the room next to hers.

It should be noted that this decision was made literally at the last minute. My parents were moving out of the old house on a Saturday and (after our initial objection) we were told Friday morning that we were still going to be given the room downstairs. When we decided that this meant we didn't want to move, this led to us being left behind in the original house as the rest of the family moved out around us. We had NO time to organise anything else and eventually moved in with my father-in-law for a week before we could organise a rental property.

Since the move, I've spoken to my parents, but they can't really see my point-of-view. I'm feeling really hurt by the decision because it feels like they put my sisters silly whims (noise and a bathroom) above my ability to actually live in the house successfully. I wasn't asking them to move my sisters around at all, just suggesting that the room downstairs was too small and would it be possible to have the extra (available) bedroom upstairs. I've said this to them, but they just keep on saying that "this is the decision we made" and I get the impression that they think I'm being ungrateful for not taking whatever was offered, rather than seeing that the problem is in the equality of treatment between myself and my other siblings. My mum has preached to all of us kids about "treating you all equally" ever since I can remember, but I don't feel like the decision they made was very equitable at all. On the other hand, they seem to think that my circumstances (older, married, staying for a shorter period of time) gave them the right to offer us the smaller room, regardless of whether it was equitable.

Because of the move, and also because my parents seem unwilling to see my point-of-view, I've now decided not to go visit them at the new house. This has caused some tension, but I don't really feel like celebrating with them in the six-bedroom mansion that was too small for me to live in.

Am I being petty here, and should I just suck it up? I keep on telling myself that it's not about the rooms. If there had only been one room available, I would have gladly taken it. It's really about the fact that these silly whims of my sisters were given such precedence over what I needed. It would have been nigh-on-impossible for my wife and I to live comfortably in that room downstairs, but would it have been so bad for my sisters to share a bathroom and put up with a little extra noise if my wife and I had taken the extra room upstairs? If my parents truly believed that I was only going to stay for a short time, then why not give me the middle upstairs room and tell my sisters to "suck it up"? Instead, I feel like I was told to "love it or lump it", and now that I've chosen to lump it and gotten frustrated with them as a result, they think I'm the one being self-centred.

So, what do I do? I don't really want to be in a feud with my parents forever, but I'm also not willing to capitulate entirely to their suggestion that I just "get over it". I feel like they've done me wrong and I would like to hear them say that before I can move on. Am I dreaming? Is it unreasonable? What do you all think?

Thanks all!

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I swear I'm not anti-social.

I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation.