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How to deal with homesickness while living abroad? (And when can I give in to it and go home?

inatizzy — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:32:54 -0800

I've been happily living abroad for three months, and all of a sudden I'm extremely homesick and I want to come home. I want to get past this, but how? (Apologies for the length. It's a complicated issue for me. The questions are at the end. Thanks. :)

I've been living in Buenos Aires for 3 months now, fulfilling a long-time dream to live abroad. I'm settled in with a small group of friends I see a few times a week (fellow swing dancers), moving to an apartment with two nice roommates this week, and I've pretty much moved past the just-moved-here distractions and into regular, mundane life.

So for the past week, I've been hit by intense, depression-level homesickness. I'm missing my family the most I have in many years, probably because I'm in the thick of spending my first Christmas ever away from my hometown and my family, which is very sad and a even a little scary for me. (It is too expensive to go back, and I knew that when I decided to come here.) Christmas is not religious for us, but it's a ritual that is the cornerstone of my year. We come together and it wraps up this year and starts off the next one. To stave off the loneliness, I've been good about making plans with friends for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and I will video Skype with my family.

Despite this, the homesickness persists. I cycle between feeling normal and feeling really down. The down time is usually in the afternoon, when I'm home alone and the long, lonely day is stretched out ahead of me. The up time is usually in the evening and night when I have plans. (Or even tonight, when I don't!) What I'm going through now reminds me of the way my mood cycled one summer, seven years ago, when I had major depression. Overall I feel more stable and happy now than then, during my "up" times, but the down times are similar. I'm sad, filled with hopelessness and grief, and I cry so hard that I practically burst out of my skin. My perspective gets skewed and I don't believe any of the logic behind my decision to live here. I get desperate and I just want to end the pain and be home with my family RIGHT NOW. (Even though Mom & I both agree that really, this should be a good experience for our family to go experience a Christmas when one of us isn't there.)

During the ups I feel pretty normal and in agreement with the logic that brought me here to live. But I do feel more tired, emotionally and physically, and I just don't have as much energy to be enthusiastic about things. (Usually I'm quite bubbly and smiley.) My friends notice and have been asking me if I'm OK, even when I'm in the best part of my day.

The whole thing is making me question how long I want to or should stay here. I came here to improve my Spanish and to live internationally for awhile. (So that I will have had that life experience.) When I'm feeling up, I have the strength to keep pushing on towards those goals but when I'm down, I don't care anymore. I just want to be home. I want to give up trying to stay strong. In both states of mind I am looking forward to settling into a community for the long term and working my way up in a new career path (community organizing or something similar). These are things I've been looking forward to since before I left and in fact they inspired me to live abroad because I wasn't ready to settle down until I did this first.

I'm sorry for writing so much here. I guess what I'm looking for here is some insight and guidance from people who've been through this before. Why did homesickness hit, what did you miss, and how did you cope with it? Do you have advice for me as I try to overcome it? Both during the holidays, and in general? And at what point is it OK to decide to go home? I don't want to give up too soon but I also don't want to be unnecessarily hard on myself and force myself to stay here unhappily. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Where should I live in Vancouver?

Alex404 — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:06:16 -0800

Where should I live in Vancouver? So, I've recently moved from Toronto to Vancouver, to do an 8 month stint at a lab at UBC. I'm currently staying at a friend's, but am planning on moving out in January.

Where should I live!? I'm a total west end, downtown, night life loving, pub crawling, cafe haunting, everywhere walking Torontonian, and I'm finding the transition to Van a little difficult. I can totally see why people love Van, and I'm trying to remain open minded, but I'm really not an outdoorsy type (I like parks, but have no urge to take off in the mountains for intensive recreation), and I crave some scene.

I've heard that I want to locate myself either in the downtown, or maybe commercial drive area. I just want an existence where groceries, coffee shops, bars, etc are within walking distance, and I'll bike to UBC when I need to head over there (proximity to UBC isn't important).

Thanks for your help! Canada rocks.

Cost of Living in South Africa

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:13:48 -0800

Is USD$1,800/month enough to live comfortably in South Africa? Sorry for the anonymous question, I do not want people connecting my name with this post.

I am relocating to South Africa for 18 months to fulfill a lifelong dream of mine of writing a novel. I have enough savings in the bank to spend $1,800 per month on living expenses while in South Africa, probably Cape Town.

Is USD$1,800/month enough to live comfortably in South Africa?

sydney cost of living

neworder7 — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:24:25 -0800

CostOfLivingFilter in Sydney: I am 35 year old, professional in Sydney with a salary around AU$100K. I have no dependents, leading a normal modest life with no extravagant expenses. Why do I still feel the life is out of my reach? I am 35 and I think I am old enough to settle, stop living like a student. Maybe buy a property. I know mine is not a huge salary and I also think it is not very little either for a single person. I realized it seems that it does not look possible to buy a decent house/apartment closer to city without having to go "out west". Also, saving for a deposit is very hard while paying a rent even for an average place in the city.

I am not originally from Australia, been here for couple of years only, so please help me realize where I am placed financially in this society?

Thank you

Best European country to move to, for a software guy

raghuram — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:33:12 -0800

Which is the best European country to move to, for a software engineer? bit of background: born and studied in India, came to US for work. looking at options - Canada, Europe or going back to India.

I have some idea about Canada but no clue about Europe. The first problem that comes to mind, with European countries (other than UK) is language, which is not an issue with Canada. I'd like to stay in one country for at least 5-6 years. Anybody has experience living in any of the
European countries? Especially from software field?

Help! I have to move to Haarlem, Netherlands from the UK in 4 weeks.

gonzo_ID — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:02:47 -0800

Sudden move from the UK to Haarlem, Nederlands in 5 weeks. I have a couple of questions... (more inside) Hello. Mrs Gonzo_ID has jot a job in Amsterdam and so the family need to move over ASAP. We've decided on Haarlem as it should be cheaper than Amsterdam. I have some questions:

1. Can anybody Recommend a good housing rental agency for expats in Haarlem?

2. We have a kid (<12m) and so where do I start looking for Nursery / Nanny / Au Pair? Any recommendations?

2. Anybody been to Haarlem and can give recommendations for Dutch language classes, tai chi classes, rowing club, gym ikea, etc...

3. I'm a freelance designer and so will have to adjust to Dutch clients. Whats my status according to UK National Insurance and Dutch tax? Where do I initially search to find out about expat tax, running business in Holland, banking, etc... sorry it is vague but I'm not sure where to begin.

4. General advice on how an english person can survive in the Netherlands. I'm going to learn Dutch, buy a bicycle, and wet weather gear to walk the dog. Is there anything REALLY OBVIOUS that I am missing.

Many thanks. Apologies if it is a bit vague, but we only found out yesterday and so we're right in the beginning stages.

To squat or not?

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:09:06 -0800

I am considering renting out an artist's studio space and squatting in it temporarily, does anyone have any experience in this? Good idea, bad idea? So, I have been staying at a friends place in Chicago for the past few months and am ready to move out. Only problem is finding a good roommate/apartment combination hasn't quite happened yet. Because of this I am considering getting artist's studio space to move all of my stuff into and sleep in while I keep looking for a proper apartment. This could really be an ideal situation for me, because having studio space is really more of a concern to me than having a swanky apartment and most of the time I would actually use the space for art making etc. I figure in the future, if I find a better apartment situation I can just share my studio space with someone else to help offset the cost.

I have an older friend who has managed to squat in her studio in NYC for years and years, even after getting married for a while, so it seems like something I could manage. What I am more curious about are peoples experiences trying to do this in Chicago, and what the worst legal ramifications would be if I was found out. How do landlords even check for this or prove it if they are suspicious?

Thanks in advance.

Shenzhen cost of living

comatose — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 07:32:49 -0800

Shenzhen, China cost of living questions. I have been doing research on the possibility of accepting a job offer in Shenzhen, China and I am being asked by my potential employer what I think a fair salary would be for a college graduate in the architecture field.

I have read plenty of expat/travel forums on living expenses (people claim it to be a rather expensive city) in SZ but they are not very detailed, nor are they in agreement with each other. I read that for a furnished 2 bedroom place in a nice part of town can run from 1800 to 8000 rmb a month. By comparison to my current expenses in the USA this site makes SZ seem somewhat cheap. I've read that 15,000 rmb a month is a perfectly adequate, if not a good wage for a nice place and some decent pocket money. In another forum people agree that 30,000 rmb a month is a fairly good wage.

I need to come back to him with a number that can cover a 1 bedroom furnished apartment in an undoubtedly nice part of town, $400 USD per month in loans, taxes, transportation, health care, living expenses, and entertainment, plus a fair amount of money for personal savings. This is an entry level position and I don't want to be unreasonably high and by no means am I going to leave everything here for a salary that is not going to give me at least the basics of a comfortable lifestyle. Comfortable = Adequately accommodating basic living needs in a nice safe area, basic food, basic entertainment, money to save and money to spend for a 25 year old guy. You know, a good 'entry level' position salary. For comparison sake: I would expect a salary of $44,000 in Boston or $39,000 in Cincinnati to cover my expenses/financial goals/personal needs... so what would be a comparable salary in Shenzhen?

Looking for something between assisted-living and a live-in-nurse. Help?

xotis — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:35:37 -0800

GrandmaHelp Filter: What's the name for a live-in assistant/nurse who visits the house of an elderly person 3-5 days a week, helps them with grocery shopping, etc? What's the best way to find referrals for quality people that perform this service in South Florida? My grandmother's health is failing. She's in her mid-90s and in Florida. My family and I are in the midwest. She'd prefer to not go into an assisted living facility. All of us have jobs that can afford us to visit every few months, but none of us can stay down there long term. She owns her condo on the 20th floor of a high-rise in North Miami Beach. She requires a walker to get around and her hearing is failing.

My family would like to hire someone like a nurse to visit her 3-5 times a week to help check up on her health, but to also spend a few hours with her. This person would potentially take her food shopping, or do her food shopping for her. Help her with laundry and putting the food away. Help with meal preperation. Etc.

1.) Is there name for this type of person?

2.) What's the best way to find this type of person?
- When she was in the hospital recently, an orderly stole cash out of her purse while she was using the bathroom. Trust levels are low right now so we're wary of just picking a random company name in the yellow pages without a referral. So, are there sites where there are ratings and reviews for people/services like this? Without knowing what they're called, or what to search for, I'm not sure where to begin.

3.) What should we expect to spend on services like this? We're not wealthy, so we need to be budget conscious.

4.) Is there anything else we should be thinking of?

When I say above that her health is failing. She's just getting more and more fragile given her age. Her vital organs will likely start to shut down in the near future according to a doctor. Mentally she's fairly sound with no signs of alzheimers or dementia.

This has been emotionaly trying for my mother so I'm trying to help her, and my grandmother, by asking this question.

Thank you for your help!

Covering the basics and some

booksandwine — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:29:21 -0800

How much do you have to make to in order to have a "basic" living? Secondary question if you don't mind sharing: Where do you live? Bonus question: How much do you feel like you have to make in order to have a "comfortable" living and wouldn't have to worry about personal finances? Average Household Income in California is $55K and $68K here in Los Angeles. As I do the math, it strikes me that that is probably just enough to cover basics* in LA ($1500-2000 per month easily just for rent, food is expensive, taxes are high and you pretty much have to have a car).

I recognize I can easily look up average cost of living and average income for pretty much anywhere in the world, but what I want to know is subjectively, at what level do you feel you would have the basics covered? I am a single person living in Los Angeles, no kids, and I think about $55K*

I know the answer to the bonus question will vary even more greatly (hence the quotation marks in the question) and any details you are willing to share would be appreciated! Just me: ideally, I would like to go to grad school, eventually own a house and have kids. Assuming I stagger these three big expenses somehow, I feel like doubling the $55K and making $110K a year would be enough so that one could cover basics as well as save toward these goals and have somewhat of a cushion. At $150K a year in Los Angeles, I would feel comfortable tackling two of these goals at once. If I added my significant other's income, we could probably handle all three at once (we're just talking money here, not sleep or sanity).

Not asking anyone to divulge salary / expense info, just want your opinion. If all you want to answer is $55K / Los Angeles / $110K, that would go a long way toward satisfying my curiosity. I am especially curious to see what the European mefites say -- this is a great point of debate between myself and my SO. Thanks!

*Assuming 30% tax, that's about $42K after tax. And assuming monthly rent $1500 + food/groceries $500 + utilities $200 + car/misc/other $500 = $2700 / mo x 12 = $42K / yr. Angelenos, please forgive my very rough estimate.

Lowering the rent for a roommate, but then deciding it wasn't a good idea.

wuMeFi — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:45:24 -0800

My roommate asked for me to lower his rent. I said OK. But now I'm not so sure I should have. What should I do? My friend and I are sharing a 1-br apartment in San Diego. He is living in the bedroom, I am living in the living room. The rent division has been 60 / 40, bedroom / living room (it used to be like 65/35, but he felt that was unreasonable, so after the first year I changed it to 60/40. I occupied the apartment first and I do the bills. Our current lease ends in November).

Recently his whole department at work got a pay cut of 8%. He asked me whether I could reduce his rent by 8%. I felt bad for him, and my first thoughts were that in difficult times, friends help each other. So I said yes, and that he'd see the adjustment in next month's bill. I asked him whether his work would undo the pay cut in the future, and he said that it wouldn't, as a cut happened before in the past and was not undone.

So that was a few days ago. But now that I've thought about it, I'm not sure I should've been so quick to say yes. I'm living in the living room, and I'd be paying almost as much as he is, since the rent division would be 52/48. I suppose in an absolute sense, the additional amount I'd be paying per month is not A LOT, but it's not insignificant in the long run. I basically just gave myself ~8% rent increase. It's kind of a lot for me to take on suddenly.

I do want to help him out since we are friends. What is the best way I can do that, while getting myself out of this situation I got myself into? I was thinking of talking to him and maybe saying that "8% is a lot for me to take on, on second thought.. how about 4%?" or something (would it be too late to do that?).

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!

Is Hugo Boss?

namewithhe1d — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 06:46:29 -0800

As an expat moving to Venezuela, what am I getting myself into? Sometimes it's difficult to slog through the volumes of negative press and propaganda about Venezuela and Chavez. (more inside) I'll be living and working in a suburb of Caracas and making semi-frequent trips to the international airport. I'll have a furnished apartment and in part, I will be paid in Venezuelan Bolivars (fuertes). Besides my legal questions (how much of my income will be taxable -- by the US and Venezuela?), what do I need to know about living and working for our socialist neighbor to the South?

Booty call..where/ how to

Anonymous — Thu, 28 May 2009 09:57:24 -0800

If I booty call/txt a guy (i'm a girl) should it be expected of me to show up to his place or should I ask him to pick me up? If I booty call/txt a guy (i'm female, in my 20s) should it be expected of me to show up to his place or should I ask him to pick me up? Background info... I live with my parents, so he can't come over and he lives 45 minutes away. I could drive out there at night, but i'm a bit chicken. Other question for females (ages 18-30) who live with your parents... how do get your casual sex in? Do you get picked up, do you go to the guy's place, where and how do you sneak off to at night when you want to get laid? Do you let friends know where you are?

Moving to the Canada's capital city.

tybeet — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 11:18:14 -0800

Moving to Ottawa in the Fall. Looking for some apartment/ neighborhood/ living-in-the-area advice - anecdotes welcome! I'm moving to Ottawa starting in August to attend school, and I'm looking to get a head start on an apartment hunt. I'm not sure what neighborhoods are nice/beautiful/fun in the area, or what to expect when looking for a "good deal". I'm coming from a small English area of Quebec where housing is ridiculously cheap (sometimes in the sub-$300 range), so I realize I have high (low?) standards for cost, and since I'm living on a student budget I'd like to bridge the gap between low-cost living, and nice-area living because I may be there for the next 2-7 years.

I've started my hunt online: (247apartments.com, ottawaliving.ca) and decided I'd build a map of apartments I'd like to check out with mapbuilder.net - this way when I drive down to look at them, I can organize things pretty well.

I realize however, that the best places are probably not advertised online, so this is where you come in Hive Mind: where should I look for off-the-book apartments in Ottawa? Also, if you've lived there before, I'd love to hear your experience with public transit. I have a car but I also have a green heart and would like to avoid using it: would it be worth it to live near a terminal and stash my car for emergencies/special trips, or should I live somewhere in an outskirt and drive to University?

Is the "experimental farm" as sketchy as it sounds to live near?

Also, what can I expect to pay for utilities in the city? I know some apartments include the utilities, so I'm trying to calculate what the cost would be if it's not included.

Thanks!

Yeah, great timing, I know.

divabat — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:11:45 -0800

I'm an artsworker trainee who's also in the early stages of starting a new small business. I've been jobhunting like crazy but nothing's happened yet. I need to cover my living expenses. What can I do? I graduated uni a couple of weeks ago (in the Creative Industries) and have just started a circus artsworker traineeship, with the goal of having enough skills & experience to train others by the end of the year. I've also been performing every so often, and training in performance, and I'm working on a small events/production assistance business.

So far I only have enough money to last me a month or so. I'm applying for permanent residency (I'm in Australia) and that eats up a LOT of money. I've been looking for jobs everywhere, in anything I could vaguely qualify for, but no luck - apparently in Australia every job has had 10 times more applicants than usual, so the job search has been more challenging for everybody.

The money I have is on loan from my parents, through a shared agreement (I didn't want to freeload off them but I do still want to eat). It's only enough for the next month because I'm going away from mid-May to end-July for my sister's wedding in Bristol. I was hoping to get a job that I could do now till May, take leave, and then start the job again when I return. I have casual jobs but they're infrequent and are hardly enough to let me do anything.

What can I do so that I can still afford rent, food, meds, sustenance? At least my creative training is free, but it's not earning me big bucks either. It kinda annoys me that the things that would let me have a better chance at jobhunting - such as getting RSA, RSG, First Aid, driving lessons - or things that improve my small business & arts skills, cost money...which requires getting a job!

I'm not eligible for Centrelink just yet. Once my PR app is lodged I can go on Medicare, which helps. Where else could I get some work to get money to live? (I did see an ad for a boarding school that provided rent & board in return for being an RA of sorts, but it was a Catholic one and they'd probably look down on my Pagan burlesque self).

Are there grants or sponsorships available for emerging artsworkers that don't require Aussie citizenship? Where can I get jobs that'll help me get some money? (I've looked at Seek, Careerone, Hippo, Artshub, Ployme - and some freelance sites like eLance and Guru which seem dodgy). What are some creative and effective ways of making enough to live on?

How can I find a job and place to live on a beautiful island?

austinlee — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:49:37 -0800

Me and my girlfriend were thinking about moving to an island. Does anyone have any tips? Perhaps a website that lists available jobs and places to live? Thanks! We are both U.S. citizens. Additional information on the process of living and working out of country would be helpful!

Car Jail

donguanella — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:44:39 -0800

The power went out at my apartment building, and I lost the use of my car for the day because the gate wouldn't open. What are my rights as a tenant? The power went out in my building for most of the day. The only gate allowing access to the garage does not have a manual override because it's old.

I couldn't open the gate, and couldn't access my car for the day. So I rented a car for the day.

What are my rights as a tenant for reimbursement of the "loss of use" of my car -- and the saftey issues of not having a manual release on the gate?

I'm in Los Angeles, CA.

Where to get local China news, in China

michswiss — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 09:05:23 -0800

I like keeping up with the local news and issues where ever I live. It's not been a problem in the US, Europe or A/NZ. Now that I'm close to moving to China after 18 months of business travel in the country, I'm looking for good local news sources and how best to view them. It's almost certain I'll be based in Shanghai. I'd like to learn and understand more about the dynamics of the city and what might be happening in the city that a proud Shanghaiese would care about.

I'm familiar with the local English language 'newspapers' and there's some info there, but with a fairly obvious slant. I don't want expat or business traveller news. Extra points for independent sources for Shanghai metro and China national news available in English or German.

Crunch time: planning time off to apartment hunt in DC or Boston.

fructose — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:42:32 -0800

Best time to visit to find a place to live for August in a) Boston or b) Washington, D.C. metro area/suburbs. I'm in the midst of hearing back from law schools for Fall '09, and I'm leaning toward schools in D.C. and Boston. I won't be deciding for sure until April, but I have to ask of time from my job right now to have a good chance of getting it off.
My window is May - July to visit to find and hopefully sign the lease to move in August into a place in:
a) Boston or most likely suburbs
b) D.C. or most likely suburbs in VA or MD.

I'm from Austin, TX, and even here in order to live remotely close to the center of town, you usually have to start looking months in advance because it's a competitive market (huge student pop.). I imagine it's MUCH harder to find a place in the Boston and D.C. areas.
I've found most of my rentals online in Austin, through Craigslist and MLS listing sites, but I know not every city is like that. I'll be looking for affordable 1 bedrooms for my boyfriend and I to share that are close to trains or buses. Being from Texas, our current finances aren't on par with the cost of living in the Northeastern cities. This is why we are thinking suburbs and commuting via public transit.

So, I guess my main questions are, for those who are familiar with D.C. or Boston areas:

1) How early should I start looking for a place in either city?
2) Is the internet used much to find listings in D.C and/or Boston?
3) If the internet is not the best way to find rentals, how early would I need to physically go out there to find a place?

I just realized that I have to ask for the time off by tomorrow afternoon, so I really appreciate all your advice.

Thanks, all you current/former Washingtonians and Bostonians!

Is anyone familiar with Tecnológico de Monterrey in Chihuahua?

KTrujillo — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:05:41 -0800

Is anyone familiar with Tecnológico de Monterrey in Chihuahua? I was thinking of attending a program there and although it looks like a great school I'm wondering if anyone has firsthand knowledge of the school or the area. I know that things have been tumultuous in Mexico. I have a friend who has lived in Oaxaca for eleven years and she says that times are very tough...worse that she's ever seen. Is it the same in Chihuahua once you get away from the border towns? Is it a safe place to live and go to school? Thanks.

How do you DTMFA when you're the one who got dumped?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 06:44:44 -0800

He broke up with me eight months ago. We are still living together. Although he initiated the breakup, he isn't initiating anything else... like, say, moving out and moving on with his life. We've been living together for the duration of our relationship; we met when he moved to my city and into my flatshare. We subsequently moved into our own place several months later. It's been two years in total.

The relationship always had its ups and downs. We are both late-20s, though he's a bit younger than me. During the time we've been together, my guy has always struggled with stress, uncertainty and unhappiness about his job. While fundamentally he likes what he does, he hates living in The Big City. He had never lived away from his teensy little hometown before he moved here, so it was quite an adjustment for him. Oh, and he also came straight out of university and this was his first "real job".

He met me straight away after moving to The Big City, and in some ways I think that was the worst thing that could have happened to him; we fell into together and I became his built-in best friend, social network, entertainment, sole source of emotional support, etc. He never really bothered to try and create his own independent life here, never really made any friends or ventured out on him own. It put a lot of pressure on me and the relationship to be "everything" to him, and of course I failed to live up to that standard time and time again. And because of his job, he must stay here for at least four more years.

I did my best to be supportive of my guy, but I also often got frustrated at what I saw as his lack of initiative, his tendency to "shut down", and his unwillingness to really engage with me or anyone (or anything) else. What probably in any other situation would have been easily surmountable differences ("what do you mean, you don't want to go to the museum with me?!") in our case started to seem like dealbreakers. Looking back on it now, I can see quite clearly that much of what I was frustrated about with him were possibly classic signs of depression. He has since sort of admitted to being depressed, but refuses to seek treatment.

Despite our arguments, I loved him and was fiercely committed to him. I believed he was committed to me, too, and he always talked about our long-term future together. But he also kept saying the fighting was taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically, and finally said he wanted "time off" from the relationship. Two weeks later, we got into another blazing row, and he finally threw in the towel altogether, saying he couldn't take the fighting anymore and didn't see any sort of long-term potential for us because we were “too incompatible”.

That was eight months ago. Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term. Obviously, this has not been a particularly easy situation, but somehow we've made it work. In fact, it's worked so well that there's been almost no fighting since the breakup; we've had some conversations about the relationship, it’s been made clear there are still feelings there on both sides. We have had fun together. We’re close. BUT, he has held fast to the line that "we're just not meant for each other" and that he "just wants to be on his own".

But so here’s the thing. NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING has changed since we broke up. He still wants to share a bed, to cuddle, to do things together. But no, he doesn’t want to “be together”. I keep asking him when he’s going to move out; he keeps dragging his feet and making excuses.

I originally thought maybe he was keeping me on a short leash while he checked out his options, or that he even had somebody else waiting in the wings But he has said he’s not seeing anyone else and doesn’t want to see anyone else; I know for a fact that he is not seeing anyone. For awhile I kept him at arm’s length, not wanting to let him get the advantages of having me without being committed to me, but over the course of eight months that is exactly what I have allowed him to do. For somebody who “just wants to be alone”, he hasn’t taken any steps to actually BE ALONE.

He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, yet he IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP for all intents and purposes. He clearly still cares about me, or at least says he does, and doesn’t seem motivated to change anything about the situation.

I know I am an idiot for having let him get away with this for as long as I have, but I love him and I guess I just deluded myself into thinking that somehow we were going to get back together.

And I know what I need to do to stop the insanity: I have to move out and get on with my own life. I guess it would just be easier to leave what still appears to be a perfectly good relationship if I had some perspective on why this is happening.

Why would you say you wanted to get out of an “incompatible” relationship, then not do it? Fear of change? Fear of being alone? He says he wants to be alone but I’m not really certain that he knows what that actually means. And I think he’s too depressed and confused to know what he really wants anyway.

Is there any way to salvage what we have, or do I just need to do the needful already and DTMF who dumped me?

Email me: doidumpmydumper@googlemail.com

It's...ALIVE! (?)

TochterAusElysium — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:55:03 -0800

How can I bring life to my cubicle at work? I will soon be moving my desk at work to a new area, and it’s the typical cube-farm setup. However, being in a somewhat more creative group, we’re being given some freedom to decorate our new areas however we choose (within the rules set up by Facilities, of course). In thinking about what I’d like to have at my desk, I’ve decided I want some kind of life form that isn’t a plant. I won’t have any sunlight, and no one will be able to care for it over the weekend, so it would have to be pretty low-maintenance. And ideally, not more than $50 or so. My first thought was an ant farm (and depending on answers here, that might be what I have to settle for).

Here are some I’ve considered and eliminated: Hamster or other small mammal – would love one, but might get smelly and may not be happy over the weekend. Praying Mantis – so cool, but will only live 8 to 9 months. Leech – looks great swimming in water but how do I feed it? Where would I even get one? Eco-Sphere – cool, but very expensive at a size large enough to be interesting.

Some others I am thinking about: Fish – will it live over the weekend without food? Spider in a tank – cool, but can I feed it reliably? Sea Monkeys – failed at these as a kid, can I do better now?

Your opinion, Hive Mind? Help me liven up my boring work area!

My apartment needs a tune-up.

backseatpilot — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:23:27 -0800

What makes a living space go from good to great? As the days get shorter and darker, I tend to take a little bit of time about this point in the year to try to improve my indoor life. Last year I took up a hobby, this year I think I need to concentrate on the living space.

I like my apartment. It's a good apartment, but I want it to scream "This apartment is awesome!" I'm not really sure how to do that. The furniture generally follows a theme, there are pictures on the walls, and it's kept in a reasonably clean state. I think there's enough lighting, but even if there wasn't I don't have anywhere else to plug in more lamps.

So, I guess the question is - what are some small, subtle things that one can do to/add to/subtract from a living space to give it just that extra, undefinable zing that makes living there extraordinarily satisfying and has guests wondering who your decorator is?

Fresh Ideas For Living Well In a Recession?

toomuchkatherine — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 08:14:28 -0800

Who has interesting ideas about how to live, travel, dress, and eat frugally during a recession? I've become quite obsessed lately with the recession and the things people are doing to weather it. I'm working freelance and, for now, close to my own subsistence level, so it's timely that the rest of the country is starting to wonder how to live well on less, too.

The other day, I began looking around for blogs that are specifically dedicated to cooking for the recession/new-great-depression/financial downturn we're in, and was surprised not to find much.

I *know* there have to be people and websites out there that have innovative lifestyle ideas for these troubled times. But what are they?

putting everything together

streetdreams — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 11:23:30 -0800

Moving out of my own apartment into a communal house (again). Best practices? I can't afford this place anymore, and I'm tired of living by myself, so after a decade or so of living alone with (now-ex) partner and our kids, I'm moving back into the kind of big lefty communal housing situation I lived in before. I'm thrilled about the house, about the people I'll be living with, and about living communally again in general. That said, it's been a while.

Specific things I'm wondering about:

1) I've accumulated a lot of stuff in the intervening years. Much of it is just random junk I'm planning to get rid of outright, but I also have some stuff - furniture, books, etc. - that I'd like to keep. I don't know if there will be room for it all in the house, though - in fact, it seems unlikely. Would getting a storage space be the way to go?

2) What can I do to make this transition the best it can be for everyone? My kids are fabulously social and are excited about living with housemates, who are all childless friends of ours, but how do we deal with discipline and other such issues when it comes to them? My future housemates also have animals (cats and a dog), and my kids have never lived with any before - should we be doing anything in particular to help prepare them? As for me, what can I be doing to relearn how to be a good roommate, since it's been a long time in which I haven't had to be?

Any tips or ideas, especially from those who have been in similar situations, would be great!