Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with life and social

How can I pass as a normal person?

Rosengeist — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 19:56:19 -0800

Pretending to be normal. I'll try to be brief, clear and concise, even if those particular traits are not my forte.

I'm in school to become an artist, but I am slowly, slowly becoming afraid that I lack some very essential components to thriving in that career, or heck, even functioning at life. There is just something wrong with me. I used to think it was just a quirkiness, a little something off that could be endearing. More and more, I am finding it is actually a huge problem. Most of the time, I don't feel human. It's like I'm an alien who crash landed on earth and can only survive by pretending to be human, Studying human beings and trying to emulate them, but never really getting it right.

Simply put, I have medically verifiable cognitive problems, amongst them depression, an increasingly worsening case of ADHD, and some problems with memory and information retention. As I'm getting older I'm finding it harder and harder to communicate with people. I'm doing all I can to address this, but I don't know what else I can do. I'm concise about taking my medication daily, in as much as I can I'm trying to take physical care of myself. School makes it hard to do that all the time, but I do my utmost.

I've tried very, very hard to hide the fact that something was wrong with me, it's only recently that I started talking about depression, adhd, etc. or even admitting to having it to anyone by my very closest friends and family. It used to be mild, it's getting worse. Increasingly I find I just can't articulate anything. Whats in my head doesn't get to my mouth. I've always been akward, but this is making it worse. Recently I had someone point blank tell me "sometimes you say things that are really smart, but most of the time, you just don't make any god-damned sense." It hurt, it really did, because I know that right there in that moment, that was how people had been seeing me for years. The person who said it wasn't the first to insinuate or even pointedly say something about this.

I can't tell you how often I've been talking recently and someone has to stop me and have me start over, or just stares awkwardly, or laughs, or blushes, or what have you when I say something stupid or nonsensical. I don't mean to do it. The absolute worst response, which I find is occurring more and more, is that people just flat out ignore me. I'm not someone who does well alone, I really, really need to have people around me at this point in my life, and I find I'm making them not even notice I am there. It's not like my friends are bad people...or mean...it's just that I...don't make it easy to like me when I can't even talk coherently to people. I feel like I'm just yapping at people, and no one likes that. I grew up in an environment that didn't give me the ability to make a lot of friends, so I don't always even know how to deal with people. There are some pretty key socialization skills I missed early on and have never been able to catch onto.

It makes me not want to talk at all. It makes me question how I can succeed not only in human interaction, but in the career I want as well. I'm trying to be in a field of visual communication, and yet...I can't talk, I can't be clear, I can't make sense at all. It's lonely as hell, it makes me feel like I'm a complete moron, but I don't know what else I can do to correct it, and I'm not sure who to turn to for help. This hurts. Bad.

My future career depends on me being able to communicate clearly, already, I've made gaffes in networking, and I know my artwork (I'm in Sequential Art) doesn't always make sense to people. For a while now I've been trying to learn storyboarding, where being clear is the absolute most important thing...and I can't make sense to anyone. I just want to work, but I find that despite my best efforts, my stuff is getting increasingly worse...it doesn't make sense, it's not very clear, and it's really bad as a result...I'm just kind of failing at everything I want to do, and that I need to do in order to have a career in art/storytelling. I'm scared, truly genuinely scared. I'd link examples of my work, but if anyone I knew from real life found this and knew it was me, I'd be so, so embarrassed.

I know that these symptoms I have have affected my jobs in the past. I've tried to compensate for them with other skills, such as trying to be dependable, covering for other people when they needed me to, being patient, gentle, and trying to work well with a variety of people, but I have a bad memory, a short attention span, and the ability to confuse information easily. Before I came to school I worked several 9 to 5 jobs, and while they all started out fine, most of them eventually became problematic because of my depression, adhd and socialization deficiencies. I have a hard time hiding these, and some situations really make them flare up. I can't necessarily blame people for getting frustrated with me on job sites for having these issues, and sadly I've found that it's hard to have enough positive traits to counter balance a lack of some essential communication, attention and memory skills.

What can I do? Who can I go to? I'm already treating the problems I know I have, like ADHD and depression with medication, but this is a big problem, it feels like a cancer that has always been growing in me, and now it's been there so long it's a part of me. I don't feel normal, I know I never will. All I want is to be able to figure out how to pretend I'm not messed up and have people believe me. How do I keep this from continuing to cause problems in my life? Can anyone offer any advice? I don't know who to go to, and I don't know what I can do to help stop these problems. It's too intimate a problem to bring up with a lot of my friends...or anyone I know really.

Moving away to university in September. What can I do to meet people, and improve my abysmal social life, confidence, and interpersonal skills?

Snorlax — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 15:04:20 -0800

Moving away to university in September. What can I do to meet people, and improve my abysmal social life, confidence, and interpersonal skills? I have felt like a lone wolf for almost all of my teenage and young adult life. Although I’ve always had a small group of friends, I never really felt that they were that great or compelled to hang out with them. I had a long-term girlfriend for awhile which was a great confidence booster, and allowed me to focus on one person for companionship. But since that has ended, apart from reconnecting with my friends a bit, I have felt pretty much solitary.

I don’t think it’s because of any one reason, rather just a mix low self-esteem most my life, small group of friends without opportunity to network, and a bit of approach anxiety maybe. Up until now I have been pretty much fine with this. But since my last relationship ended I have felt my confidence improve, and a desire for better company and friends.

I’m moving to a new city for the first time in my life in September. I won’t know anyone, and I feel this would be a good opportunity for me to come out of my shell and try to meet new people. Since I will not be living in the dorms, I have planned a few things to do in my new city to help me: I have applied as a volunteer for a youth group in the area, hopefully to help me build confidence and network a bit. I have reluctantly bought ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, which I have heard recommended countless times. I am also ready to join a club and study groups to help me network at school. Also, I feel like I am confident enough to engage with the person next to me in class, when usually I would shut up and keep to myself.

Basically I don’t want to be a lone wolf anymore, I would like a group of good people to be around and have fun. I’m well dressed and friendly, just lack the confidence to get out there. So I’m curious if anyone else has experience moving to a new city, and how they managed to meet new people. What advice do you have for someone who has been a solitary person for most of their life?

how to form a group of girlfriends at age 30?

sunrisecoffee — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 19:49:58 -0800

How can I form a group of close, lifelong girlfriends when I'm almost 30? I'm pretty shy, but I love having close friends. I've gotten to a point where I have 5 or 6 close girlfriends, but they are dispersed around the world and most don't know each other. Worse, only two of them are in the state where I live now. One will be moving to Canada in April and the other is a busy new mom. I have a boyfriend I've been with for 7 months and a busy social calendar, but I really long for a group of close, lifelong girlfriends. I'm talking about the kind of girls who know each other inside out, will be at the hospital as soon as one of us has a baby, will throw wedding showers for each other, will plan girls nights weekly and go on vacation together once a year. I envy women with a big groups of girlfriends who have all known each other since high school or college and have been through everything together. Even though I have an active social life, I feel isolated. Is it possible to find a support system like this when I'm almost 30? How can I go about making friends like this? I find it's easy to make a new friend here and there or, conversely, to be part of a superficial social group. But I can't figure out how to form a tight-knit group of girlfriends at my age.
I know part of the problem is my shyness, but I really don't know where to even start. It takes me longer to make friends, but once a friendship forms I'm pretty loyal and a good friend. Does anyone have any strategies?

Do I lack social skills?

Lotsofcoffee — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:03:13 -0800

I think I'm doing fine, but my friends tell me I'm not. I am a lone child and perhaps that has something to do with how I am. But I have a problem. My friends think I'm acting overly non-social. For example, one friend wonders why I haven't got to be friends with all of his friends. Usually it's no problem and everyone gets along, but with me, nope. And I'm being defined as a person who doesn't open up to others, who isn't open for anything new, etc.

But when I'm by myself and not with my friends, I feel I'm an allright person socially; just a bit quiet among people I don't know well. Now I get this told often, and it's starting to piss me off, since I get sad and starting thinking there's something wrong with me or that I have to be overly conscious about "getting to know everyone" as if it's a goal that has to be achieved. Main reason is to be open and create unexpected situations in a normal day; instead I'm at home enjoyed myself 5 out of 7 days a week - the rest I'm out having fun with my selected friends on bars etc.

Why do I keep thinking my friends are actually right, and something's really wrong with me? It's always hard to see yourself from outside, so I really can't rely solely on my own self-perception - but it also seems like my friends want me to be like them or something. It's like they can't accept me as who I am. And even if they do, they will think that I'm wasting a positive side of life, by not being as social and open as they are.

Are they right?

Help an ENTP narrow down their career path choices....

sawyerrrr — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 01:43:43 -0800

In the last couple months I've come to realize that I am not alone. My personality is my problem and it is what has made this post-college thing so hard on me. ENTPs are sort of visionaries who can be the best and innovate and succeed at anything we put our heart to but we get bored very easily if we aren't socially, creatively satisfied and doing some "analysis" or "innovation" or "problem solving". We also don't take well to being "told what to do". (Sort of like a cross between Steve Jobs (visionary, creative, secretly self-obsessed) Calvin (from the comic), Jack Sparrow, The Joker, and Wile E. Coyote. ) All of these have their "downsides" or "impossibilities" associated with them but they are all things I can see myself being fairly happy doing...some more than others....

novelist
futures/equities(stock) trader
innovation/strategy consultant
venture capitalist
film editor
relationship/seduction coach
bounty hunter/surety recovery agent
also i want to learn sign language at some point
architect (designing cool houses)
semipro poker
overseas english teacher
publisher/editor/literary agent
entrepreneur
marketing/branding
bartending (good way to pass the time)
restaurant/bar/club owner
travel journalist
lawyer (don’t want to be a lawyer but i would kick ass at it)

Anyways, how do you go about narrowing this list down?

Relocating from NYC all by myself and scared. Anyone have any experience/advice?

brighteyes7 — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 11:06:56 -0800

Relocating from NYC all by myself and scared. Anyone have any experience/advice? I've passed the first two actuarial exams, and asking those in the business has lead me to believe that I probably will have a fairly easy time looking for an entry-level position, especially if I don't restrict myself geographically.

I'm from New York City, and while there certainly is a plethora of things I dislike about the city, there are things I think I'd miss (e.g. the vast profusion of stores and cafes, the subway).

I don't have any emotional ties to anyone here, so I'm starting to seriously contemplate whether I should/could move someplace else to start my career (e.g. Seattle, California, Colorado).

I'm into trying new things, but in this case I'm apprehensive and dare I say frightened of moving somewhere completely new, not knowing anyone. I don't want to move somewhere and be alone - I was fine with this my first few years in graduate school, but I realize now that socializing with people makes me really happy and fulfilled. Right now I have no one, really, but I want to build a strong social circle wherever I go.

Does anyone have any advice, comments, or relevant experience, general or particular, that could help?

Much obliged :).

I'm done with freezing up when I talk. Help me become a better conversationalist.

suburbs — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:30:00 -0800

I'm done with freezing up when I talk. Help me become a better conversationalist. I admit it. I stay quiet most of the time. I try to avoid one-on-one conversations because inevitably, I freeze up and don't know what to say and how to respond.

I've tried to read books and practice getting better. I try tricks like thinking "why?" to people's statements.

But it's hard, and I need to get better fast because avoiding the people I used to be great friends with just because there are awkward silences during our conversations is truly affecting my friendships, relationships, and life in general.

What are some suggestions on becoming better at having conversations? How do I avoid freezing up all the time? How do I become like some of my friends who jump into a conversation and have it flow perfectly?

Thank you so much.

Have I pruned my facebook friend list too much?

lankford — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 18:36:49 -0800

I've pruned my facebook friends list quite a bit. Am I going overboard or should I "refriend" some back? At this point, I mainly keep facebook active so that I can be somewhere accessable. I've defriended a sizable portion of my facebook friends as of late. The reasons include:

-General inactivity with said friend, unlikely to speak with/see on a regular basis again.
-Using feed to post things on religion/politics that I am uncomfortable with (I am fairly liberal)
-Bragging on much of their status updates
-(for some high school friends) Wasn't friends with all that closely IRL, or they were enablers/thought of me only as one-dimensional roles I long grew out of.
-People with "inflated" friend counts (kinda a tiebreaker if they have been inactive with me)

And probably others. Plus I have been into minimizing my belongings more than ever. I'm also at the point where I don't do status updates of my own.

I'd like to keep facebook and make it into a small, positive aspect of my life. And I'm in the quarterlife stage where I am having struggles with my social life (let's not focus on that, it's just a point). Should I just add/readd anyone who I like and am on decent terms with, even if the odds of reconnecting on a regular/IRL basis are slim (and do more news feed hiding)? Maybe there's a networking possibility or such out there. I almost wish I had a "fan page" and "personal page".

And if I do refriend, I'm tempted to do the "add a personal message" so that I'm not blindly readded just to build someone's count. Probably other layers to peel, but let's focus on the site.

Already changing my career!?

melizabeth — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 20:27:37 -0800

Interested in changing my career PT, Lawyer, Teacher? ..but what should I know before. I am now almost a year out of college and have given up trying to figure out what I want to pursue from what I majored in.

As background information, I graduated with Recreation Management as a major. While at the time I was day dreaming I would be working outside in the wilderness all day for the NPS or something similar, I have come to now find myself working in marketing/pr for a land advocacy org. Which is great, but I just don't seem to get the fulfillment I'd hope for out of the job. Much of it is sitting behind a computer, on the phone, inside...not much of what I imagined.

From the beginning I was on the fence about this major and now its been about 2 years and I'm just ready to give up and do something different.

I'm just unsure as to what that next thing will be and I'm looking to mefi's to help me identify and fine tune strengths, interests, etc.

I enjoy being outside, if not outside I love being around people. I am very personable and can relate easily to people. Many think of me as flexible, adaptable, friendly. I always like to help people in any way possible. A few things I do dislike are sitting behind the computer all day, not moving around, not feeling active, not feeling useful. A few of my interests are hiking, cycling, skiing..(saying this makes me interested in even doing adaptive skiing/cycling programs).

I enjoy computers for the most part though especially for personal use, it's more or less just the fact that I'm sitting behind it all day is what bugs me.

Looking into other careers I have always been fascinated with rec therapy which was the other area that my major could have led me provided I took health science courses and labs. I chose more the business route. With the downturn of the economy I feel like this sector just isn't doing well and most positions are part-time. I am considering physical therapy but the hang up on pursuing that is all of the science courses I would need to take. I am not very strong in science or math and I know as a PT its all the core requirements.

With that said are there any other careers or ideas I should maybe look into in the health field or elsewhere? Also maybe more information about being a physical therapist? It sounds like an amazing career, very rewarding, and most PTs are upbeat happy and content with their work. There's many paths you can take with it as well - opening your own practice, different settings, etc.

I have also considered being a lawyer, as some folks mention that it would be a great opportunity to help people, sociable job for the most part, and I don't mind reading/writing as I'm doing much of that now.

Being a teacher also seems like a great path although I don't know what subject I would even do well in teaching. I'd probably just work well with the students and inspiring them.

Then there is the possibility working in an outdoor camp with troubled youth or those with disabilities which eventually could lead me to a M.A. in social work? I just feel like that career path could be a bit rocky.

Any comments, suggestions, words of advice - I seem to just get stuck on this everyday and feel like I'm just treading water lately. :(

Doomed to play WoW for the rest of my nights??

astapasta24 — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:23:16 -0800

Am I being unreasonable or should I be looking for new friends? I've pretty much had no social life since all my friends have turned 21. They tend to stay out until 3-4 nightly now that school is out, come back home super drunk and super loud, then be too hungover for the rest of the morning, afternoon, and early evening to be functional to do anything. Once night rolls around, they just go out again and the cycle repeats.

Is it too much of me to ask them to be a bit more courteous? I understand that out of the 6 of us, I'm the only one who isn't 21 and that I shouldn't be expected to hang out with them as much since they're enjoying the Chicago nightlife now. I'm also afraid that once I do turn 21 in January, I still won't have a social life since my friends have told me outright that they will probably be too broke, too tired of going out, or both to do anything after I'm 21. Every time I suggest we do something in the daytime and nondrinking related, they've all been telling me to get a fake ID, but seeing how I want to work for the government and apply to military officer schools next year, getting caught with a fake would dash those plans.

Am I being too impatient and/or too needy here? Should I find new friends? Where would I even go to find new friends (I'm going to be a senior in college), especially during the summer?? I can't take advantage of all the fun summer things (running on Lake Shore, pick up ultimate frisbee, SummerDance, yoga in the park, etc) in Chicago either because I recently got put into a big clunky boot for a torn tendon.

Stellaaaa!

stellaluna — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 16:09:30 -0800

In balancing my budget, I found that I have, while not champagne tastes, microbrew tastes on a PBR budget. Help me brainstorm ways to drink on the cheap! The closest previous post I could find was this, in which a hip flask is suggested. While I do quite enjoy a good bourbon, I find myself drinking beer these days. Expensive, delicious, small-batch craft beer.

Can anyone think of ways to reduce these costs? I live in a very, very small town, and already cook 99% of my meals, make my own coffee, and frequently have people over for potlucks, game nights, etc., yet my discretionary income is being frittered away on...craft beer. Doh!

I am not all that interested in brainstorming other ways to reduce the number of nights going out, because frankly, that and the TiVo are the only things that keep me going in this place some days. Rather, I'm interested in ways to still be social with my friends, join in for happy hours, but either reconcile my tastes (I know, I'm a terrible snob) with my budget or adjust the amount I'm drinking. I never seem to have more than one or two at a time, but looking at my bank statements, boy does it add up.

Avoiding undergraduate regret

LSK — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 22:18:54 -0800

Looking for advice on avoiding undergraduate regret... After not getting into a high-end private school and failing to transfer to one, it's looking like I'm going to end up spending two or three more years at a state school most people attend for its football team than for academics. While I'm not bothered by a sports presence, and I'm definitely getting a lot out of college academically, I worry perpetually that I'm not getting the social experience I would get at a school like Harvard or Yale; conversations are more likely to be about the big game than academic jokes or philosophy. I've found friends in varying capacities, but I still feel like I'm missing a critical component of undergraduate life, and I'm worried that I'm going to be screwed out of that experience for my entire lifetime. I really feel passionately about this; I'm crying as I write these words. I'm just very concerned that I'm missing out on something precious and valuable that's worth more than I can imagine.

How to respond to deceit/lying in a professional setting?

Doggiebreath — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:44:08 -0800

How to respond to deceit/lying in a professional setting? - Professionals lying in order to save face after unprofessional behavior. After moving to NYC from Scandinavia, my (American) wife and I have repeatedly faced situations in which clever, well-educated, and succesful people try to make me (or her) responsible for their own mistakes by lying or being deceitful. Most of the time, people either forget to do something they promised, they think they are too busy/important to listen to me (her) and thus misinterpret something, or are simply lazy. One example of many:

Job application:

An HR-person has suggested a date for my job interview. I reply and ask for a more precise time and location. She never gets back to me. The date of the scheduled interview comes, and I assume she has blown me off and does not want me to show up at all. She then emails me, asking why I did not show up. I respond kindly that she has not confirmed with me, and I do not even know the address, precise time, location or anything.

She claims to have sent a confirmation email with details, and states that it must have ended up in my junk mail. I have added her to my preferred sender list, and my junk mail is empty. It does not auto-delete. So, I know she is lying.

We have been thinking how to respond to these incidents. We talked about this issue, and realized that

a) accepting this kind of behavior by personally accepting blame and (saying that I missed the email, when I did not) is degrading and mentally unhealthy in the long run. If I do this, I essentially let people treat me as their personal dumping ground. Still, this is an easy way out, but may also cause professional problems later on.

b) stating explicitly that I have taken care of my part flawlessly, and that the person in question is lying, always makes people furious. They really get mad, and many times start yelling and freaking out. Still, it is personally tempting, as it is inherently wrong to even implicitly blame other people for your own mistakes. Further, confronting the liar openly is psychologically sound, as it is likely to lessen lying and I don’t let him/her to push me. However, it can really burn bridges.

c) There is a middle ground by responding that my email works fine (she is white listed, and my junk mail is empty). Then, the problem must be in her email system. This is a softer approach to confront the liar. Still, we both felt a little bit shitty afterwords, as this approach is essentially playing the liar’s game, and the liars have a tendency to be crabby about this response.

* * *

Q1: What kind of strategies do you use to mitigate these kinds of issues in your everyday life?

Q2: What is the socially ”correct way” (according to good manners) to behave in this situation? Especially if it is a job/professionally related situation.

Q3: What is the logic of the liar? From our standpoint, it is more respectable to admit one’s mistake, as it is simply human and everybody makes mistakes, than lose trust and seem like a total jerk by lying and getting caught immediately. For example, how come a Harvard etc. grad (or someone with extremely high qualifications in their field) can be so naive that he/she believes he/she can get away with that?

Q4: Other thoughts? Do we just have to learn to suck it up? Or, how do we get past other people trying to dump the responsibility of the mess they have created/their own faults or lack of organization into our laps?

We saw this already.

Thanks.

DB

How do I meet female friends who're like me?

TochterAusElysium — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:50:27 -0800

Where's a good place to meet women like me, in my area, online or in real life? As I get older, I find that I have fewer female friends who are similar to myself in age and interests. Most of my peers are busy with children or high-stress careers, while I keep occupied with a job that's pretty much just a job, a dog, and an interest in the fine arts. I'd like to meet women more like myself, but so far have hit a lot of dead ends. I even placed a "w4w platonic" ad on Craigslist, but had few responses, and none of those really worked out. I hung out on the artists' site WetCanvas for a while, but the women I encountered there were either too religious or too busy with family.

Ideally, I'd like to meet liberal women in their 40s and up, involved in the arts, whose lives don't revolve around their offspring (certainly no disparagement intended to the childed, but I'm not into kids and am not comfortable with friends who can't leave the house without theirs). I'd like them to be dog-friendly, if possible, for occasional dog park visits and that sort of thing. Married or not isn't important, as long as they'd have time to hang out without the husbands now and then.

Since I'm interested in "real-life" friends and not just internet buddies, I thought there might be some local groups or events that I hadn't thought about trying (I'm in the Seattle area). I'm taking an evening class, but most of the other women are a lot younger than I am. I'm not opposed to having friends younger than myself, but I feel like I would benefit from the kind of relationship you have with someone who is almost as much a mentor as a friend, if that makes sense.

I don't want this to come across as judgmental or too particular, so if it does, maybe I need a wake-up call to open my mind to more different kinds of people. And I do have friends who are none of the things I've listed above: younger, with kids, conservative, etc. But I would like it if I had some leads on where I could go or what I could do to narrow down my choices and meet women more like me. It seems like there should be some kind of eHarmony or Match.com for friends!

Help me build a better social real-life network in 2009 !

Baud — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 05:30:22 -0800

My new year resolution is to do more/better real-life networking : more/better acquaintances, more/better friends, more/better relationships. I need tips and tricks on how to get a generous-sized addres book and an improved social life and what to do once I meet these potential new friends. I'm not a social magnet but I'm no shrinking violet either. I think I am good at empathy and listening. The better people know me the better they like me but I protect my soft/generous inside with a protective shell. The thickness of this shell depends on the circumstances with a maximum around first contact and lowering when I feel I can trust the person. Because I tend to trust 100% and don't like to be disappointed in that department.

My ADHD and creative personality sometimes makes me look or sound like someone from another planet because I saw, thought or said something off the beaten path. Socially, this curse/blessing of having creativity is a powerful potential-new-friends repellent.

The join a club, get involved in a charity previous advices are partially irrelevant : I need to know what to do in the step of the process where I actually meet people. How can I stay my creative, lateral-thinking self and not drive people i just met to the other end of the room as fast as socially acceptable ?

So... I want a better professional and personal network. What do I do ?

Are there any really useful books or web sites ? Things to always carry in my pocket ?

I have a free highrise account that runs the pro network side. My fixed-line phone plan allows me to call any number in my country for a fixed amount so I can call around a lot. I usually carry business cards with me. I will attend for the first time an adult ADHD support group in the first half of january.

I'm all doom and gloom

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:48:46 -0800

Help me with my negativity! I came to the US several years ago from a different country. Where I grew up it is culturally accepted to complain about pretty much anything. A lot of conversations revolve around complaining about your job, taxes, or anything else. The more I think about it, it seems that this is a way which allows people to connect immediately. Anybody has something to complain about and misery loves company! It's actually "known" in my country that people in the US are always overly positive and it's viewed as being superficial.

However, I live in the US now and from my observations it seems as if negativity and complaining is frowned upon. Is this correct? I'm just not sure how strongly many Americans feel about this.

I think I have trouble adjusting to this and it's hurting my social life. I meet people and we start of great but eventually they start avoiding me. Maybe avoiding is too extreme, they just don't seek out my company anymore. I have tried to change different behaviors that I think might put people off and I now think that it is due to my negativity. How can I be more positive? I sometimes consciously try to be more upbeat and positive in a conversation but the temptation is great and eventually I start complaining about something. It has been so ingrained in me in my home country that it's something hard to change, even though I really would like to. Any advice on improving my American social skills?

work cliques

SMP — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 16:47:44 -0800

Social situation at work is making feel like I'm in junior high again. What is the appropriate response? I was invited to colleague A's home along with a few other colleagues for drinks after work on a Friday. It was good fun. A couple weeks later that same colleague A indicated that she planned to see me at colleague B's home after work, and I indicated that I didn't get that invitation. Colleague A is a little embarrassed and insists that it was just an oversight. Not so. This group has continued to meet without including me, which is fine, until colleague A invites me back to her house with the same group of people.

Most of my social life is centered around work, which is not a good thing, but it's what I have right now. I really like colleague A (in fact I really like the other folks who apparently don't like hanging with me), appreciate the invitation, and would like to spend some down time with her, but how do I handle the other part of the problem?

How to balance social life with full load of college studies?

Snoogylips — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 19:59:04 -0800

Little Sister advice for balancing new social life and college My baby sister just started her first year of college. She graduated in may as salutatorian from a very small school. She is very intelligent and is studying to become a registered nurse. In a recent telephone conversation she mentioned to me that she is struggling to balance her very new social life with studies. She is from a small town and an equally small school. There she had a very limited social life. In her new town there is a big university, friends, activities like football games, and BOYS! I want to help her learn how to balance these activities but I have never been in that position. Do you have any helpful advice? What helped you to balance studying and having a social life in school? I think she needs to have fun but not loose any grade points over it! Thank you for any help!

Things to do in central New Jersey when you are on your own.

TheyCallItPeace — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 15:52:49 -0800

I am in New Jersey (living in New Brunswick/ working closer to Princeton) for a another month (for work), without a car, and don't really know anyone in the area. How do I keep my sanity? I have been in the area for a month, and will be staying for another month. I have been basically going from home to work and back, and I think I had about enough. My mobility is severely limited for the lack of car, but I imagine there should still be options -- I just can't figure out what.

I am basically looking for suggestions of what I can do to meet people without having a friend/acquaintance to give me an "in", or to just have some fun, keep my mind busy in a non-work sorta way. I tried looking for a pick-up game of ultimate frisbee, but the online searches turn up nothing. Meetup is not very helpful either -- it seems like all the groups are based in NYC, but if you can prove me wrong, I more than welcome it. I am considering going to yoga, because I need to improve my flexibility, but I kinda doubt yoga is a place to make friends. I am willing to rent a car once a week maybe, but I'd need other things to do without a car as well.

I am 30, finishing my PhD, if that helps.

If you have specific suggestion about the area, that would be really great, but if you general suggestions that would be cool too.

Need Ideas for a Romantic/Fun Cleveland, Ohio Date

mi6op — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 21:08:46 -0800

My significant other is coming to Cleveland, OH to visit. What should we do/eat to woo her to my city. She is coming the weekend of the 20th and I actually live 1.5 hours south of Cleveland but it is the biggest city in my area. I've been to a few downtown bars which I liked (Flannerys) but I'd like to get some tips from the locals. One of my ideas was to go to Pickwick and frollick but they have no acts that weekend.

I am planning on going to Marbella Friday night. I see it is in the warehouse district, I've heard about it, but is there anyting to do there for fun?

Your help is much appreciated.

No kids at 40

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 05:15:40 -0800

I'm a 40-ish woman, intelligent, fun, interesting, married, a home owner, have a lot in common with women I meet. You like me when you meet me...why do you turn off when you learn I have no children? I chose long ago for my own personal reasons not to have children or even to adopt. I've always had very solid reasons for this and still feel strongly that, for better or worse, I've made the right decision. But now I find that my peers are very put off when they learn I don't have chlildren. (I moved here from another state, if that helps...). It seems like they are making some automatic assumptions about me, and don't have the nerve or gumption or (expletive deleted) to ask me about it...they'd rather just exlude me from their social lives, while giving me the goold ol' superfical air kisses when they see me. I'm starting to feel resentful of them, but would rather have some insight into their thinking. So, what are they thinking about me, the childless one? Anyone?