Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with lies

What to think of a person promoting their book in a dishonest way?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 18:09:25 -0800

I caught someone I knew promoting their book in a dishonest way. How to react? There is someone in my life who once did something sneaky and underhanded to me. I never forgot this, but I had learned a number of things about this person that made me think he might actually be a good person who had made a mistake. I had been wondering whether I should forgive him. Every good thing I learned about him made me feel a little less distrustful.

Well, this person has written a book, and I just caught him promoting his book in a sneaky way! He's going on message boards and pretending to be a reader who found this book helpful. I am 100% positive it's him; he has one username he uses for everything, it's very unusual, and he's using it to post these fake reader messages. Stupid of him.

There are just two of these, so I can hope that it was a momentary weakness. More probable is that he's done this hundreds of times but was only dumb enough to use his normal login twice.

Well, I am horrified. I guess sneakiness will out. Before this happened I had a long list of reasons why it would really be better if we made up. Now, I am very doubtful. How would you guys feel if someone you knew had done this?

(The messages are years old and he's not active on that board now, so I don't think I need to inform the message board operator that he's scamming them.)

my employer is fucking me over. what can i do?

windykites — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 14:46:06 -0800

Do I have any recourse against my employer, who misled me about the terms of my hire, and can you recommend some resources to quickly find work and make him my ex-employer? I'm in Ontario, I am already a recipient of assistance (because I) do not get enough work to be eligible for unemployment. When I was hired, I was told that I'd start part time as a trainee, and take over the fulltime position of an employee who was leaving for an extended (several month) vacation in a month. I asked for these terms in writing; it never happened.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

After a few conversations with my employer about my hours not being enough, I had a really frank discussion and told him that if I didn't start receiving at least 25 hours a week, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent and would have to find a new job and leave this one. My boss made a lot of sympathetic noises and pretended to care and that he'd work something out for me, saying there'd be a lot more hours available soon. This was a few days ago.

Now the next week's schedule has been posted, and it turns out employee who left is coming back at full time hours starting next week, and my hours have been reduced even further. They make the schedule in advance so there's no way he wasn't aware that this would be happening.

I feel like my manager is trying to get me to quit (he overhired in the first place). I believe he just wanted a temp to cover the busy holiday season and this employee's absence, but my 3-month probation is up so he can't just fire me. I am choosing to believe that the fact that I'm the only black cashier and the only cashier getting significantly reduced hours is a coincidence, but it is hard not to wonder if that's a factor.

I'm already looking for another job. I'm handing out resumes and i've signed up with two employment agencies and have told them I'm willing to do basically anything I am capable, office-csr-cashier-fastfood-waitress-warehouse-factory-shovelling pig poop-anything. They're useless and haven't found me anything.

My question's twofold: 1) is there anything I can do about my employer screwing me over like this?

2) are there any avenues to find work quickly? I remember ads for a temp agency that could get you work the next day, but that was years ago and I can't figure out which one it was or if anyone still offers that service.

How do I deal with the aftermath of this weird lie?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 14:29:00 -0800

My husband lied to me in a multi-part, well crafted way, about something stupid. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, and I don't know where to go from here. To get this out of the way up front, this isn't about infidelity.

Backstory: Joe and I have been married for 20 years & have a child. We have a great relationship, with the occasional difference of opinion and even a rare fight, but never bicker. We treat each other with kindness. We love each other.

When we met we were both very casual pot smokers but I quit many years ago. Joe kept smoking about 1x weekly. About two years, after I successfully quit cigarettes, he told me he'd like to quit smoking pot. I expressed my support. He did quit.

We have some good friends (Will & Kat) who recently moved almost an hour away. We helped them move, and their new house had a problem that Joe offered to help fix. One Saturday Joe got a call & took the call into our office. He came out & said it was Will and he really needed help with the aforementioned problem. Joe seemed slightly annoyed & told me he didn't really want to drive all the way over there right then, but he reluctantly left to help.

He texted me barely over an hour later to say he was leaving. I responded, "wow, you're fast!" He called & told me how he fixed the problem, with a good amount of detail.

About a week later, I was paying bills online out of our joint account and I noticed a $100 cash withdrawal from a city about 45 minutes away, that neither of us has been to recently. I freaked because we recently experienced identity theft & had finally gotten everything cleared up. Joe explained that he had been working in that city & had to purchase some items at a place that doesn't take credit cards (he has a company card). He said he forgot to tell me, but he had receipts and would get reimbursed.

The next weekend, Kat invited me for pedicures & she & I stopped by their house. The problem was not fixed. I mentioned it, and thank god I didn't humiliate myself further by saying "Joe told me he fixed that!" Kat said, "Oh, Will's been meaning to call Joe but hasn't gotten around to it!"

I drove home in a daze and confronted him, thinking the worst (affair, hookers.) Well, he told me everything. Instead of helping Will, he was buying pot. He showed me the pot, some texts, & other stuff as proof, since I thought he was cheating. Everything makes sense, except the fact that he lied in the first place! I do not care whatsoever if he smokes! Really! I do care about all those lies, though, & he can't explain to me why he lied. He keeps saying "I don't know."

He seems very dispassionate and robotic when he apologizes. He lied so easily. I'm shocked. I 100% believed in his "reluctance" to "go to Will's". He looked in my eyes, smiled, and lied about the cash withdrawal with total conviction. I never would have believed he was capable of this, and I'm crushed.

Where do I go from here? Divorce seems insane. Therapy seems like overkill for this one-time thing. I waver between thinking that I'm overreacting and thinking that it's a relationship deal breaker. I feel so utterly disrespected, betrayed, and disgusted. It's been a month and I'm as confused as ever. I just don't think, "I'm sorry, I don't know" is enough to fix this betrayal.

Am I overreacting? What should I do? What's the next step?

Does the US government do background checks on your education when issuing work visas?

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 08:33:00 -0800

I lied on my CV. Does the US government do background checks on your education when issuing work visas? Blah. Okay, so I was laid off from my job two years ago. I had quite a bit of trouble finding a new job and had a mounting pile of financial obligations, so out of desperation, I took some bad advice and exaggerated about my education on my CV (I said I graduated from a technical program, when in reality, I only finished one year of the three year program.). Then I got the job. Yay!

I don't have a job which requires any sort of professional designation. In fact, many people who do the same work as I do, don't have any formal training on the subject. In the two years that I've been here, I've received two promotions and am one of the highest performing employees. In other words, despite having lied about my education, I have the appropriate skills to do the job and I'm damn good. Not to mention the fact that I work in a niche sector and there just aren't very many of people like me to go around.

.... which had led me to this point, where I have an opportunity to help out other hubs in the USA (I am Canadian). This is great and all, but now I'm worried that the process of applying for a work visa might bring my exaggerated education to the surface.

I know, I know. I never should have said I finished that three year program to begin with, but I was in a bad place financially, and what's done is done. I realize now that they probably would have hired me if I hadn't lied at all. Despite the fact that my company adores me and I am excellent at my job, I don't think they would take it too kindly if I were to come clean now... so that option is off the table. My other option (and maybe only option?) is that I keep refusing to be sent out of the country. However, we have a lot of people charging to overhead right now and they want to shuffle around the talent within the company before they even consider laying people off. Another option, which would be much more feasible if my industry were booming right now, is to just find another job and this time be 100% honest. The job market, however, isn't too promising right now.

So I come to the hive mind. Does anyone know what the work visa process looks like from the government's perspective? Specifically the US government? I know that on our company's end, we provide CV's for the person traveling, as well as the person responsible for said person, at the destination office. Included is also a letter from the company outlining the work mandate. I am generally of the "don't fuck with the government" school of thought, but was wondering if anyone knew if they actually back checked your credentials to see if they check out, or if a letter of intent from the company and basic things like citizenship and criminal record are the only real important things. If they did a background check and saw that it didn't add up, would they just deny my visa (and potentially make it difficult if not impossible to enter the US in the future... for work? or in general?), or would they alert my company as well?

Like I said, I am not lying about having a professional degree or even having any special certification. My job does not require any specific type of training. The lie was that I completed a three year program of technical school, when I only did one year, and the program is only loosely related to my current field, anyway - and many of my peers have been hired without any such qualifications at all! As far as I know, my not having this diploma doesn't represent any liability for my company legally, only that they hired a "liar" (who has only ever lied about this!).

Does anyone have any insight? Please no lectures about lying, and I have already considered the possible consequences if my company finds out on their own, separate of a visa application gone bad, so we don't really need to discuss that either.

Thanks in advance!

How to stop my ex from breaking my fiance's heart?

corb — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 11:51:50 -0800

My ex-boyfriend is on a path to platonically breaking my fiance's heart similarly to the way he broke mine, possibly because of me. How can I stop this, mitigate it, or support him through it? Is there any way I can give insight from my previous relationship, or is that too weird? Some years ago, I had a mainly long-distance relationship with Ex, who was a decent friend but terrible boyfriend. The relationship broke up mainly over his inability to be responsible and to face hard choices and situations. Ex has severe PTSD: the last time he took responsibility, he made a bad choice and his men died. He copes by attempting to avoid all conflict.

After our breakup, we stayed long-distance friends, but his new girlfriend didn't want him seeing me or talking to me. Rather than face the conflict of either telling his new girlfriend he would still see me, or the conflict of telling me that he wouldn't see me because of his new girlfriend, he kept seeing me and talking to me, but lied to his girlfriend about it and also lied to me about the situation. He would go to great lengths to avoid these two clashing, including standing up both of us on occasions where he thought it was the only way to prevent us from finding out what was going on. I have vivid memories of being stranded at an airport, because (as I found out later) his master plan to sneak away from his girlfriend had bombed. (I should note, we were not having an affair in any way, though you would never know it from his crazy preparations.)

When his girlfriend and I both finally found out the extent of the deceptions, I stopped being friends with him. She kept dating him, but got significantly more paranoid on the subject of myself. She managed to justify it all by creating a narrative where he was the innocent party and I was all to blame.

Fastforward to now, where I am happily involved with Fiance. Fiance was "local guy friends" with Ex. When Fiance moved across the country to be with me, Fiance became long-distance friends with Ex. They talk on the phone, and when Fiance went back to Ex's location to deal with moving Fiance's stuff, Ex came over and hung out, helped him move, all kinds of jazz.

But now that we're living together and engaged, we spend a lot more time together. With limited vacation time, if we go out to Fiance's hometown/Ex's location, I'm coming with him, even if I don't go along on every outing. If Ex wanted to visit, he'd have to visit us as a couple.

Fiance and I are planning to visit that location again soon, and Fiance was really looking forward to seeing Ex. Ex assured him that he "might be out of town doing X thing" but would really, really try to find a way to see him. When Fiance called recently, Ex said that actually he'd "be out of town doing Y thing, just came up, what a surprise!" Fiance is disappointed at not seeing his friend.

Fiance also asked Ex to come to the wedding. Ex assured him that absolutely, he'd find a way to come, definitely! Fiance is completely convinced that Ex would never let him down by not coming. Fiance recently asked Ex to actually be one of his groomsmen (a step down from best man, which he had initially wanted) and Ex said he'd "try to make things work on his end." (For those who love backstory, this anonymous question was me.) Fiance was disappointed he didn't immediately agree, but remains confident that Ex will somehow work it all out and come and be his groomsman.

But I have a different perspective. All of this behavior seems really, really familiar to me from when he was hanging out with me on the sly and not telling his girlfriend about it, especially down to the excuses and the funny way of their timing. I know that Ex's Girlfriend doesn't want Ex ever hanging out with me again, and I'm wondering either if this still applies when I'm with Fiance (even getting married, weirdly) or if Ex's Girlfriend has asked Ex to cut off Fiance as well, due to the fact that he's marrying me. I'm pretty sure this is not about how Ex feels about me, I think he's actually put down the torch. Fiance and Ex talk frequently about me-related topics and it seems to be fine.

Fiance really platonically loves Ex, and has said so on multiple occasions. I don't want to see him go down the road I did, where Ex makes more and more promises, because he thinks he can keep a master plan going where everything's fine and no one ever finds out about other things and there is no conflict. Fiance has a really high standard for the few good friends he has, and I'm afraid that when Ex lets him down, as I think he will, it will really hurt Fiance.

What do I do? What can I do? Fiance already knows the broad scope of what Ex did in relation to me, but the way that Fiance has been able to still remain friends with Ex is by compartmentalizing "Ex as a Friend" and "Ex as a Boyfriend what hurt my Fiancee" Also, how to handle this in the long term? Fiance keeps thinking that Ex and his girlfriend will break up and that will be the magical solution, but Ex and his girlfriend have been together on and off for two years at this point.

My girlfriend has been having cyber sex as part of her role playing, which she keeps secret from me. What should I do?

the milky bar kid — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:27:27 -0800

My girlfriend role-plays on a popular RP client. It's one of her big hobbies, but whenever I am around, she refuses to do it. I recently found out why this may be the case and need some advice dealing with it. A bit of back story: Role-play has been a big part of her life for years now and it's actually how we met -- around ten years ago. Since then my interest in RP has pretty much bottomed out, but I know the terminology and the places and such.

Not long after we started dating, she began talking about how she still role-played. I was supportive as I don't think it's a dirty or bad thing to do, but mostly just stayed out of it since it doesn't really interest me and it's very much "her" thing.
I casually asked her whether there was ever any sexual element to it or whether she had cyber sex. She laughed it off and said that although plenty of people do engage in it, she didn't for whatever reason.

I moved in with her for a few months (I've had to travel for various reasons; I'll be gone again in April, but I should be back for good by May) and she told me that she's effectively put a moratorium on herself and refuses to RP. She told me that this is because she doesn't like having someone "read over her shoulder"; she also told me she wouldn't show me her character page because "[She]'d be embarrassed if [I] thought her writing was bad".

I thought this was pretty bizarre behavior considering it's an important hobby of hers, and I've been fully supportive and cool about it. I also thought it was pretty unhealthy because we're going to be living together and I don't want her to permanently give up a hobby, but I figured it wasn't a big deal and it'd work itself out eventually -- and since it was her thing, it was really none of my business.

Well, as it happens, I recently made a new acquaintance through a mutual friend of ours, both of whom RP with her. She told me that she's actually relatively frequently engaging in cybersex with people, and has been since we started dating. Not because she's putting herself out there, necessarily, but because this sort of thing just happens in the place where they RP.

I would probably never have known for sure without this person telling me, as although I have a very finely-tuned bullshit detector and can usually tell when someone's not telling me the whole truth or feeding me selective info, I have no real connection to this community besides these two people. I found her behavior suspicious, but couldn't really bring it up because she is not wholly secretive; she'll tell me about her character and about the people she talks to, and the stuff that's going on. When they have fights, or when an unusual situation occurs, she'll tell me how cool/interesting/close it was, etc., but never anything about cyber sex or relationships or whatever.

Now that I know, I don't really know what to do. There's two issues:

Firstly, and most importantly, she lied to me. When I asked her whether there was any sex involved (and note: this wasn't a pointed, accusative question, but we were talking and the RP community is sometimes a little raunchy, so it came up naturally in the course of the conversation), she said no. It's not a big lie, by any means, but it's a direct one. This isn't a huge thing in and of itself, but she has a tendency to tell white lies to couch the truth and make things (herself, I suppose?) seem better / "less bad" than they are [note: not my moral judgement, but hers, I assume], which means I tend to be left guessing some of the time, which makes me nervous (see question 2, further down).

Secondly, I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly how I feel about cyber in terms of boundaries. Having just found out, the shock is sort of filtering in, but does cyber cross the boundary from "OK" to "Unacceptable"?

In one sense, it's role-play; if you put yourself in an adult situation then these things might well happen. She isn't approaching it as "I'm gonna fuck this dude on the internet!", she's writing a storyline, and her character responds to the actions of others and for whatever reason ends up in bed with them.
...On the other hand, it's not really your character fucking another person's character, is it? It's you fucking someone else. Doesn't matter if you're writing from the perspective of an 18th century dwarf lord and they're a vampire queen, or whether you're a 9ft anthropomorphic lion and they're a fire-breathing dragon -- is there any difference between cyber and, say, phone sex, even if you are playing another character? It might not, physically, be cheating -- but how about emotionally? Hmm.

Two questions for you MeFi:

1. Is this acceptable behaviour? Is it acceptable for me to be upset about the fact that (a) she lied about it and (b) she's cybering with whoever in an RP situation? If not, how should I bring it up? Is it even a big deal?

2. She tends to, when discussing certain things, uncover the truth piece by piece over a period of time, as opposed to coming out and saying it. So she'll say something was X, then, a month later, revise it to being X, but also Y, and a month later, add that it happened with Z and A at B.
If she's willing to be secretive and vague and half-truthy about this and other things, then what other skeletons are hiding in the closet? This isn't a terribly big thing imo, but we are at a point where things are beginning to get serious, and if things are going to progress then I need to feel secure and not worry about skeletons popping out of the closet when we're living together and so on.
Just because this isn't a big skeleton doesn't mean there won't be one eventually?

Is it wise, acceptable even to say something like "look, if you've got secrets/skeletons/things you're hiding from me that I need to know, then tell me now, because if I find out after this, it's over"? Is there a better way to broach this, or should I just leave it/not bother to bring it up?

I don't think there is any malicious intent, FYI; everybody knows about me [i.e. that she has a boyfriend], but apparently cyber is just the done thing in that community or whatever. She's made it clear to me and all of her friends that she's head over heels for me and sees a future here. I love her, so help me deal.

PS. Please don't relate this back to previous questions. Thanks.

Living with yourself after doing a horrible and selfish thing

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:49:47 -0800

I need help in moving on with my life after telling a lie. Many lies. That hurt someone very badly. I did a very bad thing. Please don't berate me for doing this thing, I already know it was an awful thing to do, and I'm aware that I hurt people in the process of doing this.

I did this horrible thing because I am suffering from depression, social anxiety and low self esteem. Those are the reasons why I did it, but not excuses, I know. This whole situation really woke me up to the fact that I have some psychological and mental issues that I need to get help for. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist ongoing, and I am on meds.

This question also involves talk of a chat site. I am aware that I need to get out "in the real world"... I am trying to do this to the best of my ability. I am exercising and trying to be more active and attend meetups. I don't mean to sound flippant or casual about any of this. I really do understand that I did an appalling and dishonest thing.

The bad thing I did is this: I put up fake pictures and assumed a fake name and age on a chat site. I made some casual friends by doing this, and I made one extremely close friend. I fell for him completely, and he fell for me, but he fell for my fake pictures and fake persona. We talked for hours every day online and on the phone, for around 5 months. His personality clicked so well with mine, and mine with his. He told me secrets and things he has only told a few people. I made promises to him and we talked about the future. He invited me to go see him, and I said yes and even booked airline tickets to visit his home town. (He had air miles, so we used them to book the tickets.) I did this in full knowledge that I would not be getting on that plane, but I wanted to carry out this "fantasy" as long as I could. I waited until the very last second to tell him what I did, he even went to the airport to pick me up as I was sending him messages that I would not be on the plane.

I finally told him the truth that night, and he was understandably freaked out and hurt. He was in state of shock, and fluctuated between not wanting to talk to me ever again, and sending me texts and calling me every 20 minutes because he was confused and saddened by the whole thing. I think he was still in a state of denial about the whole situation, and he still wanted to meet me (we live about 2.5 hours apart). So we did meet, and hung out for a few days. The meeting went ok, and we remain in touch. Though he was hurt by what I did, he empathized with why I did it, and his forgiveness helped me realize that I need to just be honest about myself and I will find that I am an ok person, and that honesty really is the best policy no matter what.

I want to live honestly now. I am trying so hard to face my problems instead of running away from them and hiding from them under fake pictures and lies. I have a few questions about how to do this...

- Do I have to tell this to people in the future? Close friends? Future boyfriends? Family? What is my responsibility about being honest about my past to them?

- I am chatting with someone on the same website, under my REAL person. I am not pretending and I am being uber-honest. We click well as friends. The problem is, I talked to him under my fake persona once or twice previously. Do I have an obligation to come clean to him about what I did?

- How do I go on living with the knowledge of what I did? I really hurt the person I was involved with, I mean really hurt him. I also disappointed a lot of people who found out about what I did. I had low self esteem before I did this, it was the reason I did it... and now the knowledge that many people look down upon me for this is breaking my heart. It's like I dug myself deeper into this depressed self-hatred hole by doing this dishonest thing. I know I can take this situation and learn from it, and grow from it, and not repeat the same things I did. Can anyone give me hints to do this?

- What obligation do I have to this person I had the fake relationship with? He obviously would never view me in the same light that he did before, yet he still claims he wants to be friends. I however still have romantic feelings for him, and it is hard for me to talk to him. I am still half-living in that fantasy I had before, and him treating me like a friend versus him treating me like a person he cares deeply for romantically is killing me. Do I need to still talk to him? Part of me would feel better if I cut off contact with him all together. But the last thing I want to do is cause more drama in his life. Also I think it might be healthier if we stopped talking. Friendships that start off on lies are not the best thing. Is there a way to salvage this? Do I just put the ball in his court and let him make the decisions?

- I really feel like a bad person now. I feel unlovable and unloved. I know this is partially depression talking and partially guilt over what I did. How can I come to terms with the fact that I did this bad thing, but that I as a person can still have a good heart and still be an honest and caring individual? I want to change who I am, but I am stuck in this cycle of self hatred. Again I am in therapy and on meds, so please don't suggest that. I just want to hear what you all have to tell me right here, right now, from your life experiences.

throwaway email: livingafteralie@gmail.com

Thank you.

My ex-wife has started telling me things after our sons visitation with me that can't be true.

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:11:33 -0800

My ex-wife is making up lies to take away my visitation time with my son. Do I need to consult my lawyer right away? Our son is five years old. I just brought him home to his mom after his visitation with me over the Christmas vacation. His mom moved 800 miles away (to live with her parents) right before our divorce and took him with. This is his second visitation with me, the first being five weeks in the summer.

The day after my son got home with her, she started telling me things that can't be true. She has said that our son told her terrible things about his visit. That he was scared and unhappy, but couldn't tell me because he was afraid of upsetting me. That he didn't want to be at my parents house for Christmas because it scared him. That he likes my girlfriend but doesn't want her to touch him anymore. That he can do whatever he wants because I let him. That he can hit his mom or call her names.

She has threatened me that I am doing bad things to our son and that she is going to talk to her lawyer and attempt to reduce my visitations.

Our divorce cost me $10,000 (more than 25% of my annual income) and put me massively into debt and forced me to sell my car. My ex-wife's parents have tens of millions of dollars. They bought her a new car, new house and new furniture. They gave her a job at her father's business (she never worked when we were together). My ex-wife is emotionally unstable and an alcoholic, but they have so much money they can make everything look however they want.

I don't have any more money or credit and cannot afford to keep paying lawyers to fight her. I pay her child support out of every paycheck and live in a one bedroom apartment while she just got a three bedroom house in a high-end neighborhood.

I am obviously very concerned, but unsure what I can do at this point. Since it is just threats so far, do I wait until she takes it further or do I need to take defensive action now? I don't want to take on the cost to talk to my lawyer now if I just need to wait for her to take action, but if there might be something I can do pre-emptively I would.

I am overwhelmed and terrified of what she can do. Of what she might say to our son or how she might manipulate him. Of the power of her family money and what it can do. Any advice would be appreciated. Anonymous email: mefiask@gmail.com

My girlfriend lies about hanging out with her ex

dreamsofhorses — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 15:25:45 -0800

Is it okay for my girlfriend to hang out with her needy ex? Why she would hide their meetings if there's nothing to hide? Am I rational or am I the product of being cheated on several times in the past? I'm a lesbian and have been with my girlfriend for about a 11 months. We're both in our early 30's and this is not our first relationship. She's extremely loving and kind and we have had few problems or arguments.

My girlfriend has admitted to having trouble saying "no" to people in her life and often gives beyond her means. This is something we've talked about when it is related to us, but it has become difficult to discuss when it relates to her ex girlfriend who she is trying to rebuild a friendship with.

She started seeing me 7 months after her break up with this ex. She and her ex were together for a little over 3 years. They lived together, fought a lot, and had a very unhealthy dynamic. My girlfriend told me that she's finished with dating her ex, but wants to remain friends with her. She says that she gave her ex too much and neglected her own career and needs.

10 months ago when we started dating, little to my knowledge, my girlfriend still had a very emotionally dependent friendship with her ex, who she'd been broken up with for 7 months. As early love goes, I found it easy to "let live and let be". I was happy to take things slow and only knew that she was still friends with her ex.

After two months, my girlfriend and I started seeing each other more than once a week. Her ex realized she was getting more serious about me and as she became less available to her needs. She confronted her. At this point I learned that they'd been talking on the phone every day since their break up. While my girlfriend swore it was all business and catching up and that there was no romance to their friendship, I did find it a little odd to have that much contact, especially since my girlfriend complained that she hated talking on the phone (we mainly communicated on email and text).

After their blow up over email, my girlfriend went in person to talk (read: "process") with her ex, told her that she is not interested in getting back together and that she could only offer friendship. Her ex accused her of "misleading her" by being too available to hang out and not telling her every detail about her relationship with me. I was fine with her not sharing more-- my girlfriend is very PDA with me and introduced me to all of her other friends. I don't think it's the ex's business to know the details of our relationship as long as she knows that we are dating.

Her ex didn't speak to her much for two months after that. Our summer was calm. At the end of this summer she came back into the picture and they talked about rebuilding a friendship. She started meeting up with my girlfriend once a week or so for dinner on a week night.

I was uncomfortable and felt slightly threatened when she mentioned these hang outs and as they became more frequent. I didn't say anything to her right away, did a lot of introspection. After reading a message on this board, I suggested to my girlfriend that the three of us (she, her ex, and I) hang out. I figured part of it is that their friendship was so abstract to me and this would make it "okay", even if it would be a little awkward at first. My girlfriend was on board.

The next day, she called her ex, who right away adamantly refused to hang out in an intimate setting with me. My girlfriend told me that she pleaded, but her ex wouldn't budge because she has "social issues" and thinks it would be awkward. My girlfriend told me that she would hang out with her ex less and make boundaries with her from then on, but clearly stated that she would not stop being friends with her ex.

Since then, I've noticed that my girlfriend does hang out with her ex less (once every two weeks, from what I gather), but often tries to obscure when they do hang out, mainly by omitting information. Sometimes she tells me they hang out, sometimes she'll act as if she went to see a movie alone (and I'll later discover she went with the ex by overhearing her talking to a friend). I've told her that I'm uncomfortable with this, she says she understands and isn't hiding anything.

I've already made it very clear that I'm hurt by her ex's refusal to hang out with me, and she responded that she wished it were different and would continue to hang out with her less. I know that part of this is her being a people pleaser and not wanting to hurt my feelings. But at the same time, she's mentioned her ex as one of her closest friends and hand-made her a stuffed animal for a birthday gift this year (which she happened to mention after the fact). I don't see myself as a jealous person and have not had this issue in past relationships, but I find jealousy tearing me up.

Last night, we met up at a cafe and she was on the phone when I arrived. She got off quickly and was upset. She told me that her "friend" had just hung up on her when she said I arrived. I asked who her friend was and she changed the subject and didn't answer. I asked again, she somehow found a way to divert the conversation. I was very uncomfortable.

Today, at perhaps my worst moment, I did something I've said I'd never do and looked at her phone while she was in the shower. Confirmed--the the person she'd hurried to get off the phone with was indeed her ex.

I know I'm at fault for snooping. Some important background on me is that my last relationship of 8 years ended with my girlfriend cheating on me, and this kind of thing (lying, omitting information) makes it hard for me to trust someone. I also have a lot of doubt about my own instincts, versus "am I being paranoid", so confirming this was somewhat comforting. But now the question is, what do i do? My girlfriend went home for christmas so I have a full week to ruminate and perhaps drive myself crazy over this ;)

I'm afraid that what I thought to be very careful and conscientious efforts to ask for what I need and voice my hurt feelings have caused her to be less honest with me, although I'm not sure this is rational since she seems like she was doing this to "protect" my feelings from the time we started dating.

I feel that my only option is to stay and try not to be bothered, or leave. Aside from this lingering situation with her ex which at times wracks my mind, things with us are great. We communicate well, want the same things for the future, and have a great time together. On the other hand, I don't want to sign on to anything and ignore signs of on-going dishonesty.

I ask why she would hide information if there's nothing to hide? Am I being rational or am I just a little crazy myself, the product of being cheated on several times in the past? Would it be more ethical for her to stop hanging out with her ex and is that something I can even ask for?

I feel good and she won't like it.

buck:fuller — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 16:10:07 -0800

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and some traits of borderline disorder. She prescribed meds that have me bouncing off the walls, even with a mood stabilizer. I feel great but I know she won't like it. When I'm in a manic phase, which lasts days or sometimes hours, I feel good. I do things, I finish things. I can be productive. It's true that I sleep very little, but I don't mind, as long as I am able to function, to do things like take showers, clean my house, play with my kids, etc.

On our next appointment I would like to pretend that I'm ok without showing her that I'm all excited and chipper because I fear that she'd take these magic pills away and I'll fall into depressive blob state.

(I take Depakine, Elavil and Abilify)

My question is:
Is it unethical to lie and pretend that one is not feeling so good? Is it going to be bad for me in the long run? Should I tell her the truth?

If you're going through hell, keep going

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 08:36:13 -0800

How much to tell a potential new love about past infidelity After ending a several year marriage over six months ago, I've decided to stick my toe in the dating pool. During my previous marriage, my ex and I engaged in a multi-year tit-for-tat that began with flirtation with other people and resulted in both of us having extramarital affairs (meaning, we each had an affair with more than one person). It was an awful war of attrition and I hate how cowardly and abysmally I acted. I have worked with a counselor for a few years to attempt to understand my behavior and have striven to act in a way more consonant with who I want to be. I continue to try and be truthful in all respects even if it pains me to do so. Now I'm faced with the question of what to tell someone I am (seriously) dating about my past infidelity. How do I do this and how much do I tell? I think I should tell someone who wants to get serious with me that I was unfaithful in my marriage but should I give dates and names? I'm incredibly ashamed of some of my actions and, at this point, they are nearly four years in my past and I don't feel as if I'm that person anymore. But, would it be a lie of omission if I didn't reveal the extent of my dishonesty in my marriage to someone who is considering whether to pursue a committed and exclusive relationship with me?

Good lies for my suicide scars.

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 20:57:24 -0800

What are some good excuses for suicide attempt scars on the inner wrist? Particularly keen to hear plausible explanations that fit with the appearance of the scar. Yeah, it would be nice if I could be honest or say 'none of your business', but I can't do either. So, looking for some plausible explanations. The less out there the better. "I was hangliding and got them snagged on an eagle's claws" is not so good.

I have about 6 inch scar on my left wrist, and one 3 inch and one 1 1/2 inch scar on my right wrist close together on the inner forearm close to the wrist. The scars were made with nail scissors, and neatly stitched in a hospital so have healed well and are irregular, curving pale lines about 1/4 inch thick with obvious stitch marks. There are a couple of thin white lines to the outside of the scars where additional cuts were.

Should I call out a friend on gossip-mongering on the number of sexual partner's I've had?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:44:20 -0800

Should I confront a friend about blabbing the number of sexual partner's I've had? I made some foolish errors in telling a particular friend about my sex life. It was a few years ago, and to add to my stupid mistake, what I told her contained elaborated lies about myself.

Since then it's been realized (by me and by our other mutual friends in other circumstances) that she is incredibly big-mouthed and loves to spread gossip about a lot of people. She knows an incredible amount of people to begin with, and she is frequently telling very personal details about all of the friends, colleagues and acquaintances she deals with on regular basis.

I told her a fake number of the amount of people I've slept with. I gave her the real number + 8. I also lie-bragged to her that I "dabbled" in meeting a few men off of craigslist and having sex with them for money. A pretty stupid move, and hopefully it will read as a lie since the majority of real sex workers do not out themselves. This was about 3 years ago when I was 22 and going through a "I want to be a tough slut" phase. It would seem a bit silly to come out and say "HEY I WAS LYING". That would look like I'm trying to desperately cover my ass, which I want to do, but I'd rather do it cool and discreetly.

Now I am dealing with the embarrassing mistake of telling her this stupid lie. I went to a party about two months ago and ran into a guy who is kind of in our social circle who also happens to be an old friend of hers. He used to (maybe still does) like me, a lot, and has a history of being an emotional drunk. At said party, he confessed he really really liked me, and then proceeded to ask me how many people I've slept with. I said I wouldn't tell him. He then went ahead and guessed the exact number I had told my friend 3 years prior. I was also a little drunk at the time and didn't think to defend myself or react in a tactful way. I kind of just said "yeah, well, whatever" and the subject changed.

Now, I know I am entirely to blame for sharing such a self-destructive lie about myself. I've had some issues in the past with mental illness and attention seeking behavior, and have since made a big turn around in my life and behavior. I've really settled down and chilled out. I don't scream for attention in really stupid ways the way I used to in my early twenties. I now want to walk away and wash my hands clean of this mess, but find it difficult to do so since the friend in question knows almost everyone I know, as we work in the art scene in my city as do most of our friends.

Basically, I want to know how I should approach this friend without any real proof. What should I do?

Fresh servings of pain on the hour

Anonymous — Fri, 27 May 2011 08:48:53 -0800

I've been lied to by someone I love and trusted, and it's causing me chest pains and way too many tears. What can I do to cope or process it healthily and get over it as quickly as possible? My sister and I live together, and are very close in age (our late twenties). I assumed she and I were very close. She's always been my best friend, my supporter and champion, and I her supporter and champion. I found out that she's been lying to me about things that don't matter and things that do, and I can't understand why she would. I feel really bad about it, like it's my fault somehow.

I don't understand why I'm feeling so terrible about it, why I can't just forgive her and move on this time. I love her so much, and I've done everything I can to be the best sister and friend possible, because we never could rely on our parents.

We've had virtually no friction in our relationship. We've had the same crowd of friends, we've seen each other through so much (especially in our twenties---our parents were pretty unreliable folks and so she grew up with my maternal grandparents and I lived with my dad and stepmother), so we never really even got to grow up together in a traditional way but we really connected while at college.

I'm in a postbac premed program right now, and she works. I can't go out much right now, but she still does when she feels like it.

The last few weeks, she came home pretty late at night and, the first time, I said something like, "Did they make you stay super late again at work, or did you go do something fun?" I love hearing about her escapades since I have to be chained to my desk. And she said something like, "No, I went to the gym, and then Kristin and I went to XYZ bar."

Last week, I got an FB message from Kristin that asked if my sister was mad at her, because they hadn't talked in months and my sister had ignored her emails. Apparently she and Kristin haven't spoken in months, and she hadn't gone to a bar with Kristin all those times she said she had.

I gently asked my sister about this just out of curiosity---she's not someone I thought lies, because I don't tell lies, and because I was really confused. But when I asked her about it, she said she'd been going to a meditation class, something she'd mentioned to me wanting to do several times in the past and I had even emailed her some websites and links for drop in classes in our area months ago when I went to meditation. She said she lied because was embarrassed about going, then she said she thought I would discourage her (which is bizarre because I encouraged her and sent her links many months back). I told her I thought it was great and that it hurt that she thought I would discourage her (I didn't have a very supportive parent and want to be someone she knows she can rely on for emotional support). I said I was sorry for whatever impression I might have given to her that made her think she'd have to hide it from me. I told her she didn't have to share everything, but I felt like telling me a lie made me wonder if she was hiding something more than just going to a meditation class. She said she was sorry, that she didn't know why she didn't feel like telling me, and that she really wanted to be open and honest with me and loved that about our relationship, that I was a great sister and her best friend, and she was genuinely sorry.

Over the weekend, a girl I don't know posted on her Facebook wall and said "Hey, Bridget wants to know if you're still interested in the room in her apartment or if you already found a new place."

I didn't know she'd been looking at apartments or for new roommates.

For that, she says she can't explain herself, that she's sorry about lying to me....I was okay at first and asked her if she wanted to move out, that she could if that's what she wanted, that I loved her and would always be there for her, I told her I understood if she wanted to have more "emotional space" (maybe we're too close, I thought, and she needs room to breathe---Lord knows I do at times). She said she didn't want to, she didn't know why (she's been looking at apartments since April, apparently), she couldn't explain it. She said she's so sorry.

I feel like it's all my fault. Obviously I've done something to make her think she can't come to me. She's a loving and caring and warm person on the inside. She's always given me the impression that she's really warm and open and charismatic. She's a great listener and a role model to me in many ways. She doesn't feel the same way about herself, and I've always been there knowing it was my job to be on her side. I'm scared she hates me, feels burdened by me, doesn't get that I just want us to be the family we didn't have, that we could trust each other.

I've loved her more than anybody in the whole world for so long, and I think I've lost her. I realize that she might not value honesty as much as I do.

Yesterday, I found an invitation to a wedding from my college friend in a discarded grocery bag thrown into our hall closet and only found it because I was putting all my winter coats in storage. It was a huge silver envelope that was postmarked from three weeks ago (my sister has our mail key and gets the mail which she puts on the counter). It was addressed to me and a guest, and the RSVP date is this week. I called my sister with the intention of asking if she wanted to go, because it was in our favorite beach town, and while I was explaining why we had to answer by the rapidly approaching RSVP date, she immediately became very defensive, saying she'd never seen the envelope, that it came from our mail slot with a lot of other mail and she never saw it. I lost my temper and said, "This is so fucking stupid. I was trying to ask you if you wanted to go with me and you want to turn it into a fucking defense plea." Then I hung up on her, turned off my phone, and cried and felt bad for losing my temper with her. I apologized on chat and told her I would see her later, and that I loved her and that she should know that I'd always be there for her no matter what and I was trying really hard to get over this.

The thing is is that the envelope was a third of the size of the bag and heavy, and hard to miss. When she came home and examined it, she said, "Geez, how could I have missed this? Weird." I don't really think she would have hidden it on purpose, because that would be crazy. She's met this friend a handful of times and we both love weddings (for the free booze, dancing, and dinner). But she seems really preoccupied and disinterested. She doesn't even seem to want to regain my trust, which is what I would have tried to do if I had been her.

She says she doesn't want to move out, but she might just do it secretly because I don't feel like I know what she's thinking anymore. I'm tired. I want to act like the gracious, loving refuge for her that she knows she can be honest with, but I'm so angry and scared and sad and have this newfound sense of loneliness from being so stupidly unaware of what was going on that it will probably take some time, and I don't want her to hate me, no matter what happens.

I can't tell our friends what's going on (though some of them knew she'd been thinking of moving out and thought I'd been aware of it and actually thought we were both moving together) because that would hurt her and hurt our relationship.

I just need to feel better so I can concentrate, and stop tearing up and wanting to cry. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can help her be more honest with me or accept that she doesn't want to be. I'm scared she'll leave without saying (her name is on the lease) and I'll come home to a half empty apt and a notice that I should leave (I'd have to move in with my mother who is deeply depressed and extremely needy). I don't even know what my sister is capable of now (I didn't really think she would lie to me or be defensive about lying to me) but I want to believe that she cares how I feel (which I'm not certain she does anymore, judging from the way she's been ignoring me and carrying on as normal, like I'm a wacko having a disproportionate reaction and boring---this was not the way things were between us a few weeks ago when I was unaware of everything).

I've been lied to in the past by bad ex-boyfriends and stuff, but this feels like an earthquake with aftershocks. I feel so much more heartbroken by this than anything else, and I was once very much in love with a guy who cheated on me. Even that didn't feel as horrible and painful as this.

How do I cope? How do I just get through this in a way that normalizes everything? Is that even possible? I can be okay for longer periods of time but then my heart just feels like it's being squeezed and I start to weep. I feel like I don't even have the brainpower to figure out what's going on in my head or what I'm thinking or feeling other than a lot of pain. I so desperately want to fix everything. I really wish I knew how, but I'll settle for tips on how to stop feeling awful. I'm trying to pretend it didn't happen, that my sister never lied to me, that I imagined the whole thing, but everything still feels really off.

Help please. I apologize if I come off as emotionally immature and incredibly naive. I know sisters do terrible things to each other all the time and they just forgive and forget. I really want to. I don't know how and I feel like a horrible bitch.

Help clue me in on what to expect in spending time with a man who has had dom-fem experience but wants to leave that in the past.

Anonymous — Wed, 18 May 2011 10:29:54 -0800

A friend of mine has had Dom-Fem experience and wants to leave it in the past. He believes it ruined his marriage of many years (she wasn't into it), but also got addicted to internet sex sites and liaisons. He's asked me out....what do I need to know? Dear Me-Fites,
Things are heating up with a friend of mine who has had past experience with Dom-Fem relationships. He is just fresh out of a long marriage in which he tried to bring his wife on board with these desires, but it resulted in the ultimate demise of his marriage. His interest was there and to satisfy his wishes, he got pretty entrenched in porn and online liaisons.

Ultimately, the trust went out the window with his wife.

He's informed me of his past experiences, but doesn't want this in his present.

I'm a pretty open person, but have not explored this culture and am not sure about the idea. I have other ideas about keeping the sexual relationship spicy.

Because of his use of porn and online dating sites, etc, he developed a pattern of keeping secrets from his ex-wife. That, of course, is a slippery slope, with little white lies becoming "okay" and really easy to tell. We all know about this.

I'm not sure if he's really progressed to the place of rigorous honesty in his life. How that ties into his sexual needs is pretty critical...I suppose we hide things and lie when we fear our needs won't be met in legit ways...or at least agreed up on ways.

Anyway, I'm not judgmental of his past...just unaware...but the pattern of hiding things does send up some red flags for me. I'm not big on being lied to, as it hurts. I can keep this relationship a friendship.

Some insights, perspectives, understandings of where he's coming from.....even some suggestions on questions I might ask and information I might need to get from him....all this would be really helpful. I've done a bit of online reading, but Me-Fites always bring a good collection of wisdom together.

I Never Said That, What Do You Mean We're At War? My Account Must Have Been Hacked.?

Ookseer — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:07:01 -0800

Have there been any high-profile examples where "My account was hacked" was the actual reason for an inflammatory/embarrassing/compromising message, email, or AskMe post, rather than just a lame excuse? It's always seemed like a really thin excuse and it would take a subtle hacker to violate an account but only leave a few inflammatory comments. In my experience assholes outnumber subtle hackers about 1000 to 1.

The article that triggered this question is here. In general I'm not looking for stories about how someone left their Facebook account logged in and a friend 'liked' every Justin Beiber fan group, but more targeted where someone had an account compromised and left a strategically damaging message.

I think I saw this exact scenario on As the World Turns once...

iLoveTheRain — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:56:59 -0800

How do I deal with a treacherous friend in a way that is ultimately kind? A few months ago I posted a question regarding whether or not I could retrain myself to be comfortable around a S.O. who truly honestly cares and respects me. As it turns out, it is possible, and I am on a slow road to getting myself to a new state of being, and the S.O. in question is patiently and kindly supporting me in all of this in all the best ways possible. We are both seeing other people in addition to each other, and so far, so good. I don't know where we'll end up romantically, but I know one thing for sure: I have gained an incredible, wonderful friend who is honorable and kind, and I cannot tell you how big a deal it is for me to be with someone like that now that I've moved past some of my old relationships.

Recently the sort-of-S.O. and I attended a party together and I had the chance to introduce him to some of my friends, all of whom found him to be charming, awesome, etc. One friend took a particular liking to him and took the time to help me help him feel super welcome. She ended up friending him on Facebook and the S.O, being the gentleman that he is, politely thanked her for the warm welcome and expressed a desire to see her and my other friends again as a unit since we all seemed to get along together.

Two days ago the S.O. calls me and tells me that this Friend has been texting him every day, leaving him messages and inviting him out, and that she had gone so far as to invite herself to a party that he was attending at a very fancy club in the Metro area when she learned that I was unavailable to attend the event with my S.O. as his (rightful) date. My S.O. is extremely upset and uncomfortable because while they were at this club, my Friend made very forward advances towards him and made it very clear that she was interested in dating him. She knows full well that he and I are in a casual but solid relationship, and he in turn reminded her of this multiple times throughout the night, but she has yet to get the hint. He is categorically not interested in this girl and told her so to her face, and at this time, this friend has no idea that I know about her treachery.

I am not sure how to proceed. After doing some gentle reconnaissance I have been able to determine that this is something that my Friend has been planning and that she enlisted other members of our friends group to help her achieve this.... Goal... by telling them that I had given her the "OK". (Never did I ever.) The thing is that this is not normal behavior on her part. Of all the people I know, I have always found her to be the most trustworthy, and this is absolutely outrageous.

What can I do here that will satisfy my desire to both smack her upside the head for being so incredibly gauche (and for embarrassing both me and my S.O in front of our friends), and hug her for being so desperate?

Rat out a plagerist?

mizrachi — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 11:36:03 -0800

A grad school friend of mine submitted a short story for a major literary magazine competition and won. It also seems she plagiarized the work. I'm not sure how to handle this or her subsequent behavior. A week after winning the award she called in a panic to tell me she thought she'd unconsciously borrowed from an already published piece. She sent me both pieces and, except for the character names and the exact wording, the stories were very, very similar...similar in shape, concept, story arc, narrative, beats, etc. In fact, a handful of lines were directly lifted. It was basically the same story. And entirely the same idea.

Since my friend is fragile who easily turns hostile, and since I avoid conflict with her as much as possible, I agreed when she suggested that she notify the editor of the journal. I even helped her write the letter to the editor. The story was revoked, the winner now the second place entry.

Obviously, my friend did not want word of this to spread. She kept mentioning her integrity, how this could jeopardize her academic or creative career, how embarrassed she was, and how big of a deal the department had made about this award. She assured me that she was unaware she had "borrowed" from the previously published work. And, for the most part, I believed her.

A few days later she mentioned that she was also up for a major prize at the university. The prize is based on one's publication record, among other things, and she was afraid that if they found out she hadn't won the lit award she wouldn't win the university prize. She approached the dept head - who, herself, is unprofessional and often entangled in drama -- and was assured that everything was fine. In describing the interaction, she told me the department head "had her back." The only other professor she told promised "not to mention it to anyone."

Needless to say, she won the University Prize.

All of this is lousy but today I was told by a former close friend of hers that she'd admitted to "rewriting" a story from an obscure journal for a writing workshop about a year ago. She told her friend that the journal was so obscure no one would recognize the original piece. She said she changed enough of the story to make it less obvious. And she later went on to say the work was well received by the class and the professor.

So, my friend has either plagiarized twice or once and lied to me, an editor, two professors, and, possibly, herself. I feel taken advantage of but I'm not sure if raising this to her would be productive. In the end, she did sort of come clean to the editor, a few friends,and the professors, regardless of how she sold it, and the story will not be published,. But, am I obliged to alert the university? And, how, if at all, would you handle this with her?

How can people listen in to conversations in a room via a plugged in telephone?

LillyBird — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 21:42:40 -0800

How can people listen in to conversations in a room via a plugged in telephone? I was reading Body of Lies by David Ignatius, and twice within the book, Ferris unplugs the telephone from the wall and removes the handset from the base in order to keep his conversation between himself and another person in the room confidential. It is not stated whether the phone was corded or cordless. But both individuals are having a conversation in the same room and the phone is unplugged and taken from the base as a precaution. This doesn't seem to be a case of a "phone tap" or bug placed inside the phone, though he never specifically says there is no bug within the telephone. (I think a "bug" would not need a phone unplugged and taken from its base to be deactivated anyway.)

I am wondering by just what mechanism this would work. I can understand that the entire phone itself could somehow work as a "microphone" and someone could listen in while it is plugged in provided they have some device to intercept the conversation. But removing the handset from the base would then seem to make it easier to listen in (because that's one the of steps you take to "activate" a phone--you take it from its base--barring speaker phone) or else superfluous once the phone is unplugged.

If anyone could shed light on this, I'd be very grateful. David Ignatius writes very credibly with realistic tradecraft, but I have never heard of this means of spying before.

Help disabuse me of some historical falsehoods.

albrecht — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 19:05:39 -0800

What are some false historical "facts" that everyone "knows"? I recently learned that George Washington didn't actually chop down a cherry tree as a kid [link], Napoleon wasn't actually short [link], John Hancock didn't actually sign the Declaration of Independence extra-large to send a message [link], and Michael Jackson never actually bought Joseph Merrick's remains [link]. I feel like I've been lied to for years, and I'm wondering what other urban legends I may have been taught as facts.

I'm only interested in historical examples of the kind I gave above: particularly well-known stories about a famous person or event that might be commonly believed by a large number of people, specifically Americans, but are unambiguously and provably false. So no "The average person doesn't actually swallow eight spiders a year," and also no "Ben Franklin was actually an asshole."

Double bonus points for stories that might be presented in history classrooms or textbooks.

If possible, please include references for any claims made.

lies and lying liars

gerryblog — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 05:50:00 -0800

The marketplace of ideas and bad-faith arguments. I'm looking for instances in which liberal thinkers like Mill, Hayek, Habermas, and Rawls deal with the problem of bad-faith arguments. When these people talk about a "marketplace of ideas," what allowances do they make for lies, propaganda, intellectual dishonesty, denialism, and so on? How do they explain (or explain away) the crushing efficiency of rhetorical tactics that refuse reality or just plain muddy the waters?

I'm talking less about cognitive biases and more about deliberate bad faith, though both are interesting to me.

Please also note that I'm using "liberal" in the academic, political science sense. That is, I'm not talking about American Democrats, even if the sorts of bad-faith arguments that most easily come to my mind are from Fox News. I'm interested in the way liberal theorists of democracy, across the left-right spectrum, have addressed the problem of lying, denialism, trolling, etc.; it's not about "liberals" in the sense of party politics.

Drowning in politics and lies at work

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:30:55 -0800

How do I navigate this increasingly complicated and uncomfortable situation at work which involves lying on other people's part, future fibbing on my part, being angry at my bosses, and potentially following them out the door? Urgh, I don't even know where to begin, so I apologize if this is longer than necessary.

I work for a company that hasn't been doing so well in the last year. Due to hour and salary reductions, a lot of people have been leaving the company. At the beginning of the summer, they offered a 3-month unpaid sabbatical to any employee that was interested. I had very little work at the time, so I took the sabbatical and got involved with some contract work which was lucrative, enjoyable, and filled with contact-making opportunities. My plan was to see where the company stood at the end of the three months and see what other options were out there.

Two months into my sabbatical, my boss called and asked me to come back early. He said my hours and salary would be returned to full, and that they were very busy and needed my help desperately. My boss and the second-in-command (we'll call Boss 2) both told me how great everything was going and that everyone in the company had a great outlook on the future. I agreed to cut my contract work short and come back, mainly because I like my boss and figured he must really need my help.

The day I got back, I find out from my coworkers that not only is the company in worse shape than when I left, but that Boss1 and Boss2 are on their way out the door. I confronted them both, who claimed they had no idea what I was talking about. I felt betrayed and very angry - not because they might be leaving, but that they purposely deceived me in order to get my assistance on a project that they were woefully behind on. Fast forward a few weeks - we finish the project last Friday. Yesterday they both resigned, leaving my very small office (<10 people) with NO senior staff at all. Obviously this potentially has major implications for our office (we are connected to a nation-wide company) and for my job. When telling me the news, they both maintained that they had "just made the decision" and that "I would have options".

Well, to throw an extra kink into things, last week I got a call from a company that I have never heard of wanting to talk to me about taking a position with them. I put two and two together and figured out that this is where my bosses are going (although they have both been very careful to not tell me officially where they are going or that they are leaving together). I have a meeting with this company tomorrow at lunch.

SO...all that being said. I don't even know how to navigate this mess. I have to speak with this new company tomorrow and I have no idea what I am 'supposed' to know or not know. I don't even know that I'm interested in this company, especially since I'm not too happy with the way I was treated by my bosses. Add to that the fact that at least for a little while, I'll still be at my current company, where I'm sure to get questions about where the bosses were going. Telling could seriously get them in trouble, and while I'm pissed as hell at them, I don't intend on getting them into any kind of professional trouble.

I guess my questions are:

1) Should I say anything to my bosses about how I feel about their actions? I feel like they were willing to sacrifice my job security and take away my options just to finish a project so they could save face before quitting. Had I known the truth about the situation, I would have continued my sabbatical and had a lot more information before deciding whether or not to return to my now-small office or pursue other options.

2) What do I do about this other company? They also have a small office, so chances are I would be directly working for Boss1 and Boss2 again. Job prospects in my field/city are not great, but there are some out there.

3) How do I handle any questions from higher-ups in my current company about where the bosses went? I really don't want to lie to them, but I also have no desire to completely burn bridges with the bosses in the event that I need the job with their new company.

4) Bonus question - has anyone ever had all of their senior staff quit? What happened to the office? I am guessing that they won't want to shut our location down, but rebuilding may take some time, and I have no idea what may happen to those of us left in the meantime.

Ungrateful entitled prick with his head in the clouds? Or exploited lab rat with legitimate concerns? You make the call!

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 08:26:26 -0800

I'm having trouble dealing with dissatisfaction with my first post-college job, which makes me feel more than a little over-entitled. My frank impression is that the workplace is in shambles and that I'd been lied to in the interview process; more charitably, I'm wondering if perhaps this particular posting just isn't for me. Given the details, what's the best way for me to go about readjusting my mind for the position, readjusting the position for my mind (i.e. closer to what I was told it would be), or giving up the ghost and going for something different? I am a recent college graduate with background in a clinically-relevant field, and have been working as a research assistant in a lab at a prestigious academic institution (not my alma mater). Thus far, I've really hated my work. I feel like a bratty, snotty prick for feeling this way; at the same time, I feel like I've been had by the higher-ups in the lab.

Even though it's somewhat possible I could have gone straight to graduate school given my undergraduate experience, I didn't do as such. I wanted some time away from thesis/manuscript writing and the pressures of graduation to discover whether the academic life was truly for me, to hone better what precisely I wanted to specialize in, and to get some additional professional experience that would be valuable for both my personal growth and for graduate school admissions. I focussed on getting my current job as it (allegedly) entailed working with a disease in which I have significant personal and professional interest. In all four interviews I did for the position, I was promised the same set of things, which included particular responsibilities and tasks that genuinely excited me, and particular hours to go with those responsibilities.

After accepting the job (in the process turning down two others, which I feel ridiculously stupid for doing now, even though I made the right decision at the time), I get a call from the PI asking me if I would be OK with having some weird hours for a month because he wanted to "train me" on a particular project in the short-term. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I agreed, because, hey, I don't have any reason to distrust the person who just gave me my first post-college job, which seems so wonderful and awesome and, wow, golly gee, life is just beginning!

Except: the job, as practiced, is almost entirely different! The disconnect between the prospectus and the actuality seems almost dream-like in its illogic. The hours are unrelenting and irregular, leaving me feeling drained/unhappy, and unable to plan the rest of my life in a coherent manner. The project, bizarrely, has little-to-nothing to do with the subject matter/disease I was hired to help investigate (which, more perplexingly, is the signature disease of the laboratory, highly regarded in its study). It's severely understaffed, which seems to explain why they've thrown me on it, but this seems in many ways to be not my problem... chief of which being that I wasn't hired (on my end, at least) to do this project.The significantly clinical portions of my job description are almost entirely absent. At first, I chalked it up to being a greenhorn and not getting assigned certain things as I needed to grow into the position. As time progresses, it seems more and more that this is the order of things around these parts, rather than a temporary situation accompanying my being a new hire.

Dishearteningly, everyone I've spoken with at the lab seems to dislike it as well to varying degrees, informing me that my sense of the situation is both legitimate and not especially unique. They are more-or-less resigned to do whatever is asked of them with the hopes of getting a pay-off of a high-impact recommendation at the end. I haven't seen any evidence that this actually takes place (even if I wanted to switch to this cynical-but-pragmatic mindset) and, given my feelings of having been deceived, I don't have any reason to trust that this would occur.

It's not that I can't do grunt-work—I did grunt work as an undergraduate in a research lab—it's just that it's both unexpected in its exclusivity (e.g. lacking in the clinical portions) and devoid of any connection to the larger picture of the lab. As an undergraduate, even when I was super-low on the totem pole and just doing basic data collection, I would go to weekly meetings where the PI would let us know how the project was doing, what the interesting data trends were, why they mattered, why our work mattered, et cetera. In comparison, if I hadn't sought out the material by my own prerogative on my own time, I wouldn't have the fucking faintest clue of what this lab is even doing. If I had any connection to my work, or if it was what I was told I would be doing, I could probably bear the weird hours. As it stands, it's uninteresting to me, and seems set to get me nowhere either intellectually or professionally.

Environmentally, another major thing that's been getting to me is that I've discovered that few members of the lab know why they're doing why they're doing certain things or even what they are doing, which horrifies me, as we're dealing with human subjects in research that sometimes involves pharmacology. If you're giving someone a drug, even if you know many professionals were involved in developing the protocol for giving this drug, I think you should at least have a basic idea of what the fuck it does, no? But, that's the environment that this place inculcates—do your micro-task, and don't ask any questions.

Do you think it would be worthwhile to pursue my concerns with my supervisors? (That's an issue in itself. I don't know if I'm asking for too much, but I've barely spoken twenty words to my PI, and he's been physically around. Just... extremely unavailable, which I'm told is typical. Any report to him seems invariably like it must be A Big Thing, as the norm is no communication between him and his laboratory staff.) It seems manifest that there's a lab-culture that I alone can't change (i.e. intellectual detachment of non-PIs from the work being done), but maybe I can get something done for myself? I'm considering: (a) faux-innocently pressing the claim that I'm "training on a project" even though it seems I'm really on it for the long haul and asking when I'll get involved on the projects I was sold during the hiring process, (b) making inquiries as to whether my hours will change, and (c) asking whether any of the clinical connections in the job posting and from our interviews will actually come to fruition. Is any of this worth it, do you think? Any tips for going about this in a way that's the least likely to trigger a catastrophic response? (I suppose I must accept the possibility that This Will Not Go Well, regardless.) How do I make requests or inquiries of an employer like this? I'm worried about damaging my reputation here (even by doing things that are to all appearances reasonable), and thus hurting myself for future jobs/graduate school. (I've never had a worse sense of a boss, even on jobs I disliked.) If I end up having to stay with this position, what can I do to best keep my sanity and sense of self-worth? How can I make the best of this job?

(Part of me is considering quitting if it doesn't get better, but the option terrifies me for a host of reasons... one of which being that the only other subject-relevant jobs in the area I've moved to and can't move away from for the short-term are probably also in this same academic institution. That seems like it'd be awkward to fly and manage, heh.)

I apologize if I seem whiny or ungrateful, or if the question seems all-over-the-place... it's entirely possible that I am indeed being whiny or ungrateful. (I mean, hello, record-high unemployment rates for my age range!) I figure, though, that if I want to get as honest and accurate an appraisal of my situation as I can, that in turn I should be as honest and accurate about how I feel. I feel like a bit of a failure for finding myself in this situation, and I'm not sure what the proper channels are for dealing with these concerns. In the past, I've been the type to get steamrolled and martyr myself as needed. Instead, I'd like in this present situation to do right by my own self, for once.

Concise critique of Fox News?

4midori — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 21:36:13 -0800

Concise explanation of what is wrong with Fox News? I need a concise and fair explanation of just what is wrong with Fox News. Yes, I know what is wrong with it: they misrepresent people and information, cover news in a very biased manner while not admitting their biases, etc. I can talk about this all day, and Jon Stewart does a good job of taking the wind out of their sails. But I need a very concise argument that relies less on video clips and more on the core of what is wrong with the network. Ideally, this explanation will also address the biases of NBC, CNN, etc. while explaining why they are not as egregious in their offenses as Fox.

I've seen the Media Matters site, but I need something summarized, not a long list of Fox's errors.

I am making this argument to a conservative friend who relies on nearly exclusively on network as a 'news' source.

Thanks!

I think my fear of fake relationships might be stopping me from having real relationships - help?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 08:41:50 -0800

Why am I so scared that people are trying to trick me/use me? Is this something you really need to be on guard against all the time or is it irrational thinking? I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember, I've had this fear that people might just be tricking me into thinking they're my friend/they care about me. As a teenager I used to worry that maybe one of my friends would go "pffft I was just kidding... did you seriously think I liked you and was your friend? hahahahhahaha". Like their being nice to me would turn out to be this big prank that everyone would laugh about later. This made me anxious to get close to people. I'm female and I've always had a lot of male friends and when one of them would hit on me, I'd always feel like they'd faked our friendship just to get sex, even as an adult although I've tried to tell myself that maybe they liked my personality AND found me attractive, but it's still made me second guess things. I still find myself worrying that guys just want to f*ck me so they craft these elaborate friendships/fake relationships with me but are really thinking I'm an idiot getting sucked into their scam, and are laughing about it with their male friends behind my back. Even just writing it out, it sounds kind of ridiculous, I mean, it's a lot of trouble to go to just to sleep with someone who's not bad looking but no supermodel, but I do worry. It makes me a bit on edge with my male friends and very distrustful of anyone I become romantically or sexually involved with. I even get put off one night stands when someone starts talking to me cos I don't want them to think they've tricked me into it. And if I actually do have feelings for someone, I shut them off quick smart if they actually become a viable option, cos I don't want to be an idiot. I tend to assume that anyone I'm dating or who fancies me is only interested in sleeping with me and the rest is a scam to make that happen and that they don't like or respect me as a person, and that if they really respected me they'd just say "I want to f*** you and that's it". This seems silly when I consider that I've had friends I've had a crush on and I still wanted to be their friend even if they didn't feel the same. I enjoy sex a lot so it's not something I need to be tricked into but I hate the feeling of someone thinking they're tricking me more than I hate missing out. To make things worse, I once decided to just "let go" and fell in love with someone, but after a year I discovered that he'd cheated on me. Due to my prior beliefs, this confirmed my fears as I chalked it up to "I got tricked and used and he didn't love me or even like me at all, it was all 100% lies and he basically only asked me to live with him for easily accessible sex" - despite the fact that he spent the next year begging me to give him another chance. Rationally I can tell myself I'm not THAT good looking or amazing in bed that people would go to such elaborate lengths to trick me, but I find it hard to trust that people want anything more than that from me, and I flip out at the first "sign" that they don't care. It feels like as soon as someone is physically attracted to me, it must mean they just see me as a piece of meat. I am trying to tell myself that liking someone as a person and liking someone sexually don't have to be mutually exclusive (as they're not for me!), but kind of failing.

To a smaller extent, I sometimes worry that even platonic friendships might be motivated by someone just wanting to get something from me (besides my friendship) and that the person doesn't really care for me.

I also sometimes think maybe everyone is just doing that to eachother and there's something wrong with me that I can't bring myself to use people at all, even people who aren't nice to me.

When people ask me out I immediately think "oh, so THAT'S why they were being nice to me" and then I feel like they probably aren't really my friend, even if they keep hanging out with me (I tell myself this is so they can maybe try again later). This is hard because I've been asked out by a lot of the guys who go to the same activities I go to and it's always nice at the start making new friends but then I get disappointed when I realise they weren't really my friends after all.

Please help me rationally think my way out of this before I ruin all my friendships and future relationships (unless you really need to tell me that most people are just out to scam people for what they can get). I would actually like a relationship with someone who likes me physically and for my personality but I can't get myself to believe it's possible which makes me act cold and disinterested and like *I'm* only after sex when I'm dating - catch 22.

After writing all this down I guess it might be a self-esteem problem?

Throwaway email: thisone6@gmail.com