Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with libido

Possible hormone deficiency?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:45:59 -0800

I think I may have a hormone deficiency. I plan to see a doctor. What should I expect? I (male, late twenties) have recently started to suspect I have a hormone deficiency. This is very unscientific, based on internet diagnosis, but the symptoms seem to fit: depression, fatigue, low sex drive, trouble building muscle/burning fat even when I work out regularly. I'm thinking of going to a doctor about it, but I don't know what to prepare for.

For one, I'm currently unemployed and without health insurance. There's a good chance that will be rectified within a week or two, but no guarantees so I'm anxious about anything that might lead to expensive tests or treatments or be considered a pre-existing condition.

As for the clinical stuff, I don't want to come off as a hypochondriac, or worse yet that I might be trying to finagle some legal steroids (thinking about Bigger, Stronger, Faster* here). What would be a good way to broach this issue with a doctor? Also, is this something I would just bring up with a GP or should I be making an appointment with a specialist?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

Can my libido recover from two months of Zoloft?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:54:12 -0800

Choosing my penis over the pills. How long will it take my libido to recover after a few months of Zoloft? First a bit of background: 26-year-old guy here, nonsmoker, fit as a fiddle, with no health issues whatsoever outside of an occasionally crippling mix of anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed seven years ago, but had always refused to go on anti-depressants. Instead, I've kept the mood monsters at bay with vigorous exercise, a decent diet, and regular talk therapy.

Which worked pretty well until this past winter.

I lost my job, then spent nine months unemployed, financially panicked, and generally terrified about the nosedive my life seemed to be taking. So after months of freaking out to my therapist, I finally took her advice, bit the bullet, and filled a prescription for Zoloft. Started out on 25mg for a week, then ramped up to 50mg. I had done enough research to know that the antidepressant was pretty much guaranteed to torpedo my sex drive. But I was desperate.

And the medication worked. I chilled out, managed to get my feet back under me, and even found some part-time work. Best of all, I met a beautiful girl, with whom I’m totally compatible, and we started dating—and making out, and getting naked together.

And that’s the problem. The Zoloft has snuffed out my libido, and my erection—once my most reliable companion—has grown a bit fickle. It isn’t a physical problem. I can still get it up. And I can even stroke myself to orgasm when alone (if I really concentrate and keep physical stimulation constant). But in the throes of some pretty heated foreplay, my mind seems to simply lose interest, and I can’t stay hard.

The thing is, even in my darkest periods before the Zoloft, my sex drive stayed constant. And voracious. Masturbating 4 to 6 times per week, morning wood, healthy erections. A few months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to jump the girl I’m with. Now I can’t make it to the condom phase.

And I can tell that my lack of sexual advances is starting to give my new girl pause.

So I’m getting off the Zoloft. I’m down to 12mg per day (cutting the 25mg pills in half). And I plan to be completely done with it another five days or so. I’d rather be a tad moody and getting laid than emotionally numb and celibate.

How long will it take for my libido to return? Has anyone out there quit an antidepressant to win their sex life back? How long until you felt confident again?

Also, what can I do in the meantime to facilitate stronger urges? I’ve started taking Korean red ginseng. I’m doing mad Keegles. And I’ve committed to not looking at porn for a week straight. Any other supplements I should be looking into? Ginko Biloba? Emergen-C?

And how can I bring this up with my gal?

I was so horny it made me sad.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:38:03 -0800

Depressionfilter: Help me understand a sudden increase in libido and its emotional aftermath. Context: Male, British, 26, straight, depressed (but not too badly, but then again maybe terribly).

I've been single for over three years. No sex, no kissing, nothing. No attempts made to be otherwise. No approaches from any women. Until recently, this hasn't been a problem. My sex drive has been easily managed, and my loneliness has been kept in check by my depressive thinking (women are beautiful magical wonderful creatures, but they'll never want you, ever, because you're awful, so go read a book or just die or something). This was all fine and well, or at least bearable, until a few weeks ago.

Then, out of nowhere, my sex drive exploded. It was like when you hear about a transgender person first being given testosterone - throbbing pulse, mind flooded with pornographic visuals, sexual desire like I've never felt before. Everything made me think of sex. I practically wanted to chase after women and start humping their legs in the street. It was absolutely horrendous. I could barely think. This lasted for about two weeks then finally abated.

Since then my sex drive has still been higher than it was before, but it's no longer driving me crazy. And, heartbreakingly, my perception of women (and myself) has changed slightly. Instead of seeing myself as fundamentally broken, awful, and disgusting, I've been thinking that, hey, I have a lot of good qualities and there must be a girl out there who'd think I'm okay. And instead of seeing desirable women as something completely alien, like a unicorn, I'm seeing them as real people who might, just might, maybe, one day, be interested in me. This is a big shift, and I suppose it's a good thing, but it brings into sharper focus how lonely I am and how much I crave sexual release, intimacy, and companionship. (Although, clearly, I'm not in the right place for a long-term-serious-relationship, and nor do I want one.) It's as if almost overnight I switched from being one of those sad, lonely guys to being one of those sad, desperate guys. And it hurts.

So I have two questions for you. One, what actually happened here? Two, what should I do next?

[And a few specifics about the depression: I think I've been suffering from a long-term non-crippling depression. I am functional, but self-esteem is an issue. I saw my GP a few months ago and he suggested computerised CBT, which I've singularly failed to engage with. I'm thinking of going back to see him soon.]

Disposable email at nonboinker3000000000@googlemail.com

[I asked this [http://ask.metafilter.com/134559/Too-horny-Cant-think-Need-sex] question previously, when I was in the grip of mind-warping hornyness. I'm quite ashamed of it now. I think this new question is more honest, but to me writing always feels like a kind of lying.]

Thank you.

Falling in love, with caveats.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:31:29 -0800

Falling in love pretty quickly. First time for a lot of things. Some issues are coming up. I'm mid 30s, male. About 5 weeks ago, I met a really lovely girl online. We've both done a lot of online dating and both are pretty sick of it. Things progressed quickly and many things are really wonderful.

Namely:
Awesome sense of humor overlap
Pretty low stress and high fun percentages
We're able to communicate openly serious stuff
We both find each other really attractive
Conversation is easy
We're both insanely affectionate people and whenever we're together, which is often, we're always touching

Basically in almost every sense I'm smitten with her.

But of course, there is the sex.

She's on anti-depressants which she says limits her libido. I'm kind of a horn-dog. But the thing is, there isn't a total lack of sex by any means. The first few times were really not so amazing, but it's been getting better little by little, to the point where it's bordering on pretty good. She's not prudish or hesitant about things once they get rolling.

But she rarely initiates things. I told her that I really don't want her to push herself into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and that I want to give her time to figure out herself in relation to the medications. But there is a hesitancy about what happens between us that frightens me a bit. On the bright side of things, sex between us is getting better and I think she's enjoying it more. On the dark side of things, it's still not something that I think she's super interested in, and I worry that after this honeymoon period is over, she might be even less interested, and at that point I might have even more intense feelings for her that would make it even more hard to make a decision about this.

The other hard factor to take into account is that neither of us have been in long term relationships very much. I'm not sure if my crazy desire would stand up in a long term relationship, and maybe I'd be happy with less. And I'm not sure that she wouldn't maybe get interested in sex more in a loving situation where she felt comfortable with someone. From knowing her a little bit, I think that may be quite possible but I'm not sure.

Basically I'm falling in love with this person, and I'm excited by her. Things are better between us than in any relationship I've ever been in, and I think she feels the same. But I'm terrified of being in a sexless, more or less friendship kind of marriage. I definitely want to give this more time, maybe a lot more, to figure out how things settle. We've talked this over quite a bit and I think she's very interested in having us both feel comfortable sexually and otherwise. As I understand it, before the meds, her libido was quite a bit stronger, but it's never been crazy strong.

My basic question is: My instinct is that this could be a really great thing, and I want to give it my all and hope that through communication and time, we'll figure out what works between us (because things are on the border of being ok already and we haven't really known each other that long). But I also wonder if I'm not setting us up for heart break down the line by letting my feelings progress while I feel there is this barrier between us.

I know this is overthinking, seriously. I know that. But it's on my mind a lot and I'm not sure how to think about it. I'd be happy to hear everyone say "things are ok, you haven't known her for very long, if they are improving keep communicating and hope for the best".

To fend off some clarifying questions:
Welbutrin is not an option. Other med changes might be. She might be interested in stopping the meds at some point, but she says they have helped her a lot to deal with some low-level depression and I don't really want to mess with that.

Dead libido at 24? What should I do about relationships?

anonymousme — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 13:07:18 -0800

Dead libido at 24? What should I do about relationships? I'm a 24 year old female in good physical and mental health. I exercise, eat well, have had blood work and a physical done recently; no problems and nothing irregular except a slightly higher-than-average testosterone level, actually.

I had a pretty high libido as a teenager, but that might just be because I usually wasn't getting regular sex. I was in a long distance relationship for most of my teens and half of college.

I started noticing my libido declining in my second long term relationship, when I was 21. I started noticing that I was annoyed rather than aroused when my boyfriend approached me and touched me sexually. Unfortunately, the more I drew back, the more grabby and gropey at all times he got. It became a cycle. (Groping had never bothered me before this. It used to turn me on.)

It ended quickly after that and I chalked it up to unhappiness with the relationship in general.

My next boyfriend wasn't a groper, so that annoyance factor wasn't there. And I wanted to have sex with him occasionally. But he wanted it more. Nothing excessive, just a few times a week. I did it with him when he wanted to, even though I would really have preferred to just cuddle.

Eventually, I just didn't want to do it at all anymore. We stopped having sex for about 4 months. I felt extremely guilty. I broke up with him because I didn't think the situation was fair to him, but I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore at all.

I chalked *that* up to that relationship just not working, as well. At the time, I thought I still might be having problems because of lack of compatibility, or attraction, or something like that.

Now I have a third boyfriend. Of course, he has a higher sex drive than anyone who came before him and wants it at *least* once a day. And even if I do that, he will grope me constantly to push for two or more times a day. He's not a bad guy or a Neanderthal, he's great, he just has a really libido.

I really, really like him, love him, and think he's very good looking, and I think I was hoping that either my libido would come back or eventually I would get used to this high level of sex. We've been dating for 8 months and moved in together recently.

When he gropes me, my instinctual reaction is annoyance and anger. The last time he grabbed my chest, I instinctively slapped his hand away without thinking. I have taken to crossing my arms over my chest when I pass by him, and wrapping myself up in blankets when I sleep so I'm not jarred awake by hands. I feel like I'm under siege and it stresses me.

I have sex with him all the time because I know it's important to him. But it's a chore to me. I *never* want it of my own volition. Subconsciously I've developed all sorts of strategies to avoid him at certain times. He always wants to have sex in the morning and I hate that time the most, so I'm always trying to get out of the house without waking him up.

The other day I had a frightening thought.

I was thinking about the idea of getting married to him. I realized that for him to be happy in the marriage, we would have to have a lot of sex. Suddenly I visualized the idea of having to have that much sex, day in, and day out, for the next 50 years. It made me feel trapped, desperate, and gave me a feeling of dread and being overwhelmed.

Some of my partners have been good in bed, and some of them have been bad in bed. When I had a high libido, there were definitely things that I liked. And my boyfriend now does those things, so I know it's not just that. The problem isn't that he's doing the wrong things. The problem is that being touched sexually just does not appeal to me at all anymore.

The exception is that I still masturbate, always have, pretty frequently in fact, and still enjoyed it up until I moved in with my current boyfriend. Now we have so much sex that I don't even want to do that anymore. I feel like I would be happy never having sex again or masturbating again for the rest of my life. In fact that would be a relief to me.

I would love it if my boyfriend and I had sex NEVER and just cuddled and kissed. Obviously, I know that's not going to happen, nor would I ever ask it of him.

I'm loth to bring this up to my boyfriend because he is VERY VERY VERY sensitive about his sexual performance. Anything that could be construed as criticism, will send him into the blues for days. He knows I don't want as much sex as he does, but after I've already had sex once in a day, I try to alternate saying no to him with just avoiding him because I don't want him to take it personally and get into that mood.

Is there any hope for me? What do you think I should do? How will I ever get married or have a relationship in the future.

I don't really want to go on drugs. And I actually find the idea of somehow wringing more of a sex drive out of myself exhausting. It makes me feel used up.

Can I safely, healthily lower my libido?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:15:36 -0800

Can I safely, healthily lower my libido? I've had a very high libido since puberty. Although I've been pretty successful in attracting women all my life, I've always wanted more sex than any woman has been willing and/or able to have with me.

When I was younger, I lost girlfriends over this. As I grew older, I stopped asking for it as much, but I still want it constantly. I hold off from asking until I can barely stand it, and when I finally do ask, I feel desperate. It's still more than my girlfriend wants. And before we started dating, she told me she had a higher libido than any boyfriend she ever had.

I've had complete physical and psychological checkups, and I'm healthy.

Here's the kick- I've never enjoyed being this horny. It makes some men feel more vital, but it never has for me. And I also don't consider it a basic, essential part of who I am, my identity. I've put a lot of thought into it, and at this point in my life (I'm 33) what I really want is not, actually, to somehow find a partner with a libido as high as mine. I would prefer having a lower libido. I'd love to have the extra time to spend pursuing my other interests, rather than being distracted by this unwelcome physical sensation all the time.

So I ask: is there a way to safely, healthily lower my libido? I would love to reach a point where I desired sex anywhere from a few times a week to never.

When should I disclose my low sex drive to a potential partner?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:19:08 -0800

I have a low sex drive. When should I bring it up with someone I am dating? For the first time in almost 3 years, I have felt attracted to someone. This is rare for me. I’m a heterosexual woman in my early 30s. I have never felt strong sexual attraction. The first time I had sex I was in my mid-20s.

My low sex drive greatly affected my last relationship. I found intercourse painful and didn’t even like the feeling of oral sex. My partner used to say he would “do anything” for me and when I said I wanted to watch TV and cuddle, he would get upset. I’ve been single for almost 3 years and I rarely think about sex except to worry about it.

I am very fearful of being expected to have sex with someone. I do enjoy the emotional closeness from sex, but I don’t need sex very often. When starting a sexual relationship, the other person expects the sex will continue into the relationship. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex for months at a time. I’m not trying to hurt my partner, but I just have no desire.

I also have trouble handling someone being upset with me for saying, “no” to sex. My last boyfriend used to pout and I would instantly feel completely unloved – as though I was only good for sex and he didn’t love me unless I had sex with him. We once went on vacation in a militaristic country, where I wouldn’t have felt safe alone. He made it clear that if I didn’t have sex with him, that he would just leave me there by myself, so I consented and just covered my face, cringed and said “ow” a lot until it was over. Now, not only do I have a low sex drive, but I’m terrified of what a potential partner will do if I refuse to have sex.

So… hive mind, when do you think I should tell this new person that I am not interested in sex? I think I could handle once a week at the very most, but would highly prefer every other week. As an alternative, should I start looking for older men? How old were you when your interest in sex declined? Finally, does my ex’s behavior regarding sex sound normal? Should I expect that type of behavior from most men?

Sublimation—does it work?

Busoni — Sun, 10 May 2009 11:17:02 -0800

Is the theory of sublimation—the idea of channeling sexual energy into creative or physical output—still considered valid? Is there evidence that it "works"? I was reading a biography of Leonardo da Vinci, written fairly recently, as I recall, by a surgeon and science writer (Sherwin Nuland). In it, he states somewhat matter-of-factly the likelihood of Leonardo having channeled his homosexual desires into his art, such that expressions of his libido were nonexistent. This is paraphrasing, but that was the essential message. Now, I'm not an expert in psychology, but I thought such reliance on Freudian terms was odd. But since it was from an actual medical doctor, not a literature professor (which would have been less surprising), I began to wonder if there was something to it.

So, my question: is there evidence that this concept of sublimation is valid? Can a person make better art and be more productive by curtailing sexual activity? And conversely, can a person diminish or eliminate sexual desire by committing himself to his art or profession? I'll take personal anecdotes as well as second-hand ones.

Late 20's, sudden drop in libido

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 08:32:28 -0800

I'm a healthy 27 year old guy, but my libido has plummeted just in the past 7 months. No other relevant changes that could explain why, and I feel totally fine otherwise. Any explanations? And how do I fix this? The timeline corresponded roughly with my breaking up with my girlfriend and also moving to a new city to begin law school. I might attribute the drop in sex drive to stress from my first year of law school, but I'm actually having a great time. I'm working hard, but I feel no more stressed or anxious than usual (I'm generally a pretty relaxed person). Other than this one change, everything else is totally normal. I'm in great shape, I've been able to work out and add some muscle, my moods and happiness are not noticeably different than they've ever been before, and I have no other complicating health factors that could explain things. No medications or drugs of any sort.

I still have a very strong desire to meet women, date them, etc. Hell, now more than ever, since I'm finally single. But my desire has morphed into an almost abstract, Platonic one, without any strong urge for the physical act of sex, at least when I'm there with a woman. My masturbation frequency has gone for 4-6 times a week down to once or twice a week at most, and it often seems like a bit of a chore. My last four sexual encounters during this time period have ended somewhat embarrassingly, as I've either been unable to achieve and sustain an erection when I needed to (strangely, it would often occur spontaneously after the initial flurry of activity had died down), or been unable to orgasm. Each time was preceded by pretty major alcohol intake, which is certainly a confounding and possibly aggravating factor. Although these women were all very beautiful, I didn't know any of them very well, or have any strong connection to them. I felt somewhat detached and removed during each encounter, mostly marveling at my lack of responsiveness and visceral enthusiasm while tangled up with a young, pretty girl. It makes me wonder if my sex drive has just become more psychological and less physical in nature, since I never had this problem with my last steady girlfriend.

Anyway, psychological probing aside, I'd mostly just like to fix this so that the next time I'm with a new girl, I'll be able to perform as usual. I've already decided that I need to 1). not masturbate at least a few days before going on a date, and 2). not drink as much alcohol. Any other suggestions? Any diagnoses? Is this just what happens as you age -- your desire for just any pretty female body becomes less overwhelming, in favor of a more mental sort of attraction to people you've "bonded" with already?

how to boost libido in a long-term relationship

monkeygenius — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:09:54 -0800

Help us (straight couple in our late twenties) fix our sex life so we can stay together. I'm a woman in a two year relationship with a man also in his late twenties. We've been together for two years. We've lived together for a year, but as he puts it, "we've basically been living together since the beginning." He has never lived with anyone before, but I have. We've had our share of problems, but both of us think we have a really good thing going. The major exception right now is the sex.

We both enjoy sex when we have it, but that's rarely more than once a month. I'm not particularly turned on because I don't feel very desired. He says he just doesn't feel the urge as often as he used to. This has been going on for over a year, but first was attributed to depression/anxiety (he's now on Wellbutrin), then to a need for some personal space, an issue which is now much better.

Typically he has a higher libido, and while neither one of us thinks we're doing it often enough, he just doesn't feel like having sex very often. Me coming on to him doesn't work either. (I've also tried not changing clothes in front of him, wearing nice things to bed, and leaving him alone about it).

The main problem, he says, is that sex is not related to emotions for him; it's more about the thrill of the chase. I realize that this is true of a lot of people, but here it's true to the point of causing problems.

As far as I can tell, emotional intimacy and sexual desire are inversely correlated for him. One idea I had was to try to shift something in the bedroom, not necessarily for further excitement, but just to break us out of habit (sort of like switching which side of the bed you sleep on).

So, two parts to the question, I guess. 1) what are some general things we can do to boost his libido? and 2) what are some things we can try to break out of our routine, that don't involve costumes or toys? (neither of us is prudish, we just don't get into that).

We agree that we're at the point of progressing to marriage, but neither of us wants to do so unless this issue is resolved. Please help us.

How do I get my libido back?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:40:04 -0800

How do I get my libido back? I'm an early-thirties woman and I've lost my mojo. I'm on one specific hormonal birth control pill, and I take it continuously. I take this pill due to a hormonal imbalance. This is currently the only hbc option I have for my condition. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I've got to work around the birth control and that changing it is not an option.

That out of the way, the pill kills my libido. My partner, bless his heart, has tried many a trick to help me get back into the mood. When we have sex I do enjoy it. It's just that most of the time I'm... meh.

Possibly relevant factors: I am not depressed, nor am I under an undue amount of stress. In fact, my mental state is better than it has been in the past. I get a fair amount of exercise. I could stand to get more sleep but my problem extends to the weekend. I've talked to my doctor but she didn't have much to offer. This problem started when I started this pill.

So what can I do?

Help my kill my sex drive and save my relationship.

anonymous account — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:17:35 -0800

I am a 30 year old male who wants more sex than my partner, which causes all kinds of frustration and resentment on both sides. What can I do to lower my libido? I want to have sex way more often than my partner does. This leads to immense frustration on my part, and irritation/sadness on hers. I know this is the biggest relationship cliche out there, but this time, I'm the one who is going to change. I honestly don't think that there's any possible way to get her more interested in fucking me.

When we do have sex it is usually pretty amazing for both of us (she certainly isn't motivated enough to fake her orgasms, so that part is legit), it's just that it doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to (I'd consider once a week or 6 times a month to be a very good stretch). I'll ask her for a handjob or blowjob and you'd think I just asked if I could shit in her mouth (literal disgusted reaction).

I am very open with her in describing my sexual desires. I am not asking for anything crazy at all, I just don't want her to have to guess at what I want. Usually this leads to her calling me a "jerk" and falling asleep.

It's getting to the point where I'm completely over it. I don't want to cheat on her, and I'm happy with all other aspects of the relationship. We own a house together, we will likely be married in the next few years, have plans for the future, etc.

We have been together for about 8 years. The sex thing has been an issue for us for about the last 5-6 years (basically ever since she started her career). She knows how I feel (a couple months ago after a bit of a dry spell, I had a crying breakdown and told her that I felt trapped in the relationship due to her lack of sexual interest) but seems unwilling/unable to change.

I want to do something (other than masturbate 3 or 4 times a day) that will greatly lower or even eliminate my sex drive. I want to avoid masturbation as well as that turns into a huge time waster for me, and sometimes starts to escalate into areas that I'm not really comfortable with anyway.

We will eventually want to have kids, so whatever I try shouldn't be permanent.

Post-partum libido, where are you?

otherwordlyglow — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:29:43 -0800

How long did it take for your libido to return to normal after giving birth? I'm 5 months post-partum and am breastfeeding. My heretofore normal and, I thought, regular sex drive disappeared while I was pregnant and is still on the lam. I miss it. I know there are biological reasons that I'm not feeling the urge like I once did but when will my long-lost and beloved sex drive come back? Do I have to quit breastfeeding? I'm 40 and am not on any birth control. I haven't really menstruated yet though I had a little bit of something last month. I am not pregnant again. My husband is extremely supportive and is not pressuring me in any way but I no longer get all that aroused and have trouble orgasming and these things were never a problem before. Currently, my little girl is sleeping 12 hours a night so we have plenty of time to do it, I just never want to. At what point should I be checking in with my doctor to see what I can do? Does the libido return at some point? Please say yes!!!!

A sexual Catch-22.

Anonymous — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 11:10:45 -0800

Is there anything I can do to counteract the negative effect Yasmin is having on my libido? I've been taking Yasmin for about three weeks now, and I'm already noticing a worrisome decrease in my (usually extremely high) sex drive.

Normally, I'd go to my gynecologist and ask her to switch me to a different variety of hormonal birth control. Sadly, though, this isn't really an option because I'm leaving in a few days to visit my boyfriend, who lives in another state. There wouldn't be time for a different form of BC to take effect before then. Since we don't get to see each other often, we have a lot of "physical activity" planned, and I don't want to ruin that aspect of our visit by not having any interest in sex.

Basically, I'm looking for a way to stay on Yasmin (at least for a few more weeks) AND maintain my awesome libido. Does anyone have any tips for how I can increase my sexual appetite while on this drug? Or any (hopefully reassuring) anecdotes about how Yasmin affected your sex life?

Thanks!

29 and exhausted... what could be wrong?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:25:14 -0800

I'm an otherwise healthy 29 year old male who easily gets exhausted and mentally foggy on a regular basis, sometimes seemingly without cause. Not normal-tired, but feeling as if I were 80 years old. It's been like this for at least a year and a half. I have an appointment to see a doctor (endocrinologist) in two weeks, but now that I've finally admitted to myself that I've got a problem... I'm antsy to start figuring out what it might be. Any ideas, hive mind? More details inside... My symptoms are: slow, foggy thinking (almost like being drunk), low motivation, physical weakness/heaviness, emotional flatness, irritability, low interest in sex, low interest in much of anything, a general feeling of "drugginess"... feeling like an altered state.

Some days I have no symptoms at all. When I do have them, I usually start the day feeling fine, then the symptoms roll in all at once. Often around 3 or 4pm... lasting until the end of the day.

When I have my symptoms, caffeine seems to make them worse (especially mental fog). Alcohol, oddly, seems to make them better.

I took finasteride (Propecia) for 4 years (for hairloss), but quit 1 year ago, thinking it might be the cause of my problems. I initially felt better, but then went back to my symptoms, though only 1/2 as severe. This may be the cause or just made an existing problem worse. Either way, I'm more curious about what might have happened, rather than the reason.

Thanks, everybody.

Mid forties male, no libido. What now?

lndl — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:45:46 -0800

I seem to have lost all my libido (sex-drive). Mid-forties male, not health related. Advice? More details inside. OK, synopsis:
I'm 45 yo male. I just got engaged to my girlfriend of some years, who is absolutely the one for me.
The last 6 months have been rough though.
1st I had to take a work stress related break from work (never happened before). My mother is terminally ill. I've also now just been made redundant at work. I was also in a car crash, though not injured. As a consequence of these and other issues I'm seeing a therapist to try to see how to find my way forward and understand myself better.

On the positive side I have an understanding, supportive (sexy) partner, I'm exceptionally fit as I'm training 2/3 hours a day for a world class endurance sport event and look like a guy in his mid 30's. I eat well, sleep ok, don't drink or smoke, I'm well educated, read a lot and have a very inquiring mind.
(Sorry if all this sounds arrogant, it's not meant to be, just heading off possible discussion diversions).

But in the last 6 months my libido has completely disappeared. I'm not talking about erectile dysfunction but actual interest in sex (not even masturbation). I didn't worry about it for a while but I am starting to now.

Yes it seems it could all be explained by everything going on in my soap opera life at the moment but I haven't really discussed it with my therapist yet (not deliberately, just other things were even more important), but I'm worried that it might be "gone".
While this wouldn't be a problem for me if I was single if I didn't care , it will eventually become a problem for us a couple. Any advice?

My groin wants what my brain doesn't!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:12:20 -0800

The type of guy I like to spend time with isn't the type I like to have sex with. What now? Probably NSFW! I'm a good-looking, intelligent woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We're pretty much blissfully happy. He's gorgeous, I love him, he loves me, we're simpatico, we want to grow old together, we've weathered some rough stuff (rainclouds, not typhoons) and come out stronger, and neither of us has been unfaithful.

However, although I'm extremely turned on by his looks, I'm not sexually attracted to his personality. The type of guy I enjoy being with (sweet, funny, kind, gentle, cute, boyish) isn't the type that turns me on (rough, rude, cruel, bossy, arrogant, dominant, older ... basically Martin Amis). I *loathe* the people I find sexy.

I've never reached orgasm with my bf; I can only orgasm when I masturbate to fantasies of being dragged around and degraded by the Type A douchebags of the world.

At first I thought I could be okay with having a mediocre sexual relationship with a guy I'm crazy about, but well ... now I'm here typing this.

I've already tried coaching my bf to be more sexually aggressive, but it's clear by now that it's just not in him. Is the relationship doomed? When I'm old, am I likely to feel like I wasted my 20s? Or should I just get over the whole sex thing? :-/

More than once every 52 seconds

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:44:48 -0800

I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it? I'm 22, and I've noticed my desire increasing very sharply over the past year or so. It's getting in the way of other activities I have and making it difficult to keep up with studying, as I'll frequently become distracted when even obliquely reminded of arousing things, even more than my high school years. I masturbate at least once daily, often more, but it doesn't satisfy, regardless of how long I take doing it, even extending beyond an hour. I've been on antidepressants, but I've found that sexual feelings remain, whether or not I get an erection.

I haven't done anything illegal or even particulary antisocial other than flirting with some women already in relationships, but I'm still a virgin and I think the way I approach women unconsciously as a result of this has actually cost me several opportunities for sex and sex play, among other things. I've been to multiple therapists, responses ranging from "just wait and it'll decrease naturally" to "It's perfectly normal" and that I probably should be happy my sexual stamina is so high. Other resources I've found include a Mormon pamphlet advising dunking the genitals in icewater, and some people with physical sex addiction problems that seem far distant from my experiences. Is that really all there is?

Is my biological clock attached to a sex bomb?

Ambrosia Voyeur — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:37:04 -0800

One often hears about the mid-thirties "sexual peak" for women. I have some questions about that. What is this change really like, from your experiences?

How much of this theory assumes a repressive attitude toward female sexual gratification or a delayed onset of it, and how much is actually a dependable increase or decrease in libido-related hormones? Which hormones are verifiably tied to female sex drive?

My libido is, in a word, unruly. Apart from the obvious upside, it's rather like PMS, f that helps clarify my difficulty: inconstant, hard to control, disorienting, distracting, inappropriate, irrational. I went off the pill and it skyrocketed. I am concerned about its likelihood to ride me off the rails over the next ten years. I don't relish the thought of becoming even more like an 18 year old boy, when I'm a sensible and satisfied 26 year old woman. Should I really expect my libido to increase in force, or does this theory merely intend to say that women get better at getting off, like, by learned behaviors, as they mature?

If you have experienced an excess of libido, advice thereto is also appreciated.

SNRIs vs. libido

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 19:18:04 -0800

Is there any way to stay on SNRIs but restore libido? Possibly TMI about sex life inside, quite possibly NSFW. My doctor started me on an SNRI and it's working great except for one thing: my libido has decreased drastically.

I frequently can't maintain an erection or, when I can, there's no guarantee even under direct stimulation of ever reaching an orgasm. After an hour or so it's more likely the skin will eventually tear, even with a lot of lube.

It's not necessarily a problem when single, but I haven't been dating throughout most of this depression and I'd like to start again. Ability to have a reciprocal sexual relationship would be a big plus.

I tried a couple of cock rings; one couldn't guarantee an erection; the other kept the blood inside but after about 45 minutes I got bored and gave up, wanting to avoid hurting myself again.

Yes, I have a doctor and no, you are not him, but I'd like to try to solve this somehow without telling him the details of my mostly nonexistent sex life.

Are there any over the counter treatments reliably good at increasing libido? Naturally I'll look them up first in PubMed, PDR, etc. to make sure they play well with my particular SNRI.

Excuse me sir, are you happy to see me?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 12:08:32 -0800

Why is it easier for me to achieve sexual arousal now rather than 10 years ago? This is something I've noticed over the last couple of years. I'm really not sure if this is a phenomenon that has been researched or not.

I'm currently 29. About 10 years ago, I remember that I would only be sexually aroused by the sight of nude or near nude women. Women wearing provocative clothing were nice to look at, but did nothing for me.

Now, I find myself aroused if a woman is showing even a hint of cleavage or wearing a tight fitting top. I find that I have sexual fantasies much more often about my girlfriend and other women than I did as a 19 year old.

According to my intuition, isn't this the opposite of how it should be? I thought that sexual arousal was easier to achieve at a younger age, and that when you got older, it waned.

Any thoughts or explanations would be appreciated.

Here is my backwards curse: Girls I might befriend platonically always end up wanting "something more," and it ends in disaster. How can I break this pattern of causing pain?

consilium — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 13:46:15 -0800

Girls I might want to befriend are romantically/sexually attracted to me...Are platonic relationships really possible? If so, how do I get out of this pattern of disastrous endings? Most specifically, how do I relate to a new "female friend" in my life without causing pain? I'm a heterosexual, 24 year-old, solitary type of guy...Let's put the tendencies towards social isolation aside because I have absolutely no problem with that right now. Fact is, I don't make friends easily and when I do make a connection, for whatever reason it tends to be with a girl...This next part is going to sound very backwards: the problem is that I am open to (not seeking, but certainly open to) platonic relationships, but 9/10 times they don't work out...it soon gets weird as I realize the girl is attracted to me and wants more than friendship. This pattern has played itself out to tragic ends one too many times. I want to learn how to deal with this without hurting anyone...myself included....

Put aside my current resistance to romance, because it is genuine and well-founded...I have no problem with it. I've experienced and ended two serious relationships in the past 18 months and realize now that I have some issues to work out before I can cause more good than harm to another person (and myself) in that role. I don't see anything lacking to be filled by a romance right now. My sex drive is nil, at absolute zero...has been for almost 6 months (sounds weird but it's happened before too). If I had a girlfriend or a wife, that would be pathology; being single, I consider it a blessing. It gives me time and energy for other things. My attention is elsewhere, and for me, at this moment in my life, that's just fine.

So I think I have great, healthy reasons for keeping things platonic...But is it really possible? I appear to be "making friends" with a girl from work. Am I being naive yet again? I think I am, though not as completely this time. What in the world do I do?

I asked elderwisdomcircle.org and my elder accused me of sending mixed signals to the girls I meet. In the past 6 or 7 cases that might have happened once, but except for the one case where I was admittedly confused, I think I have been very clear and careful about what I say and do. In the very last case I told the girl in txt messages and emails that I was not at all interested in romance. I guess it would've been more effective in person, and I could've sunk the point and added "with anyone, including you," but I am timid and don't want to be presumptuous or rude about these things. Anyway, it ended in disaster...

How can I explain where I'm coming from without causing pain, without making an ass out of myself, and hopefully without losing a friend? How can I prevent the pattern from playing out yet again? My new "platonic friend" is almost certainly attracted to me. Do I have any options that don't involve people getting hurt? What is the best one?

Should I just make it a point not to talk to girls? Be an asshole upfront to avoid being more of an asshole later? Should I lie and tell them I'm gay? (Someone here is probably going to suggest I actually *am* gay...but I have no romantic/sexual interest in guys whatsoever...I am a heterosexual, though during periods [like now] I guess asexual would be more accurate).

I guess my most pressing question is what in the world to do about the current situation and this girl who's already in my life? Thankfully I don't have a phone right now so it has taken off some of the pressure...I see her once a week at work and we sometimes exchange emails...we had lunch and went to the beach twice. I can sense she wants to spend more time together, and I suspect that it's likely to end in some kind of disaster yet again.

Please try to leave aside and accept as givens the solitary tendencies, the asexuality, the resistance to romance. You might think that these are issues but I don't see any of it as problematic at this moment in my life. I do accept that at some point I could probably benefit from some really good professional counseling, though it doesn't seem imperative (or affordable) right now...

If I could have a platonic friend, great, if not...fine, but I want to avoid or minimize this pattern of causing pain. MeFi, please share your thoughts and any relevant experience...thanks!

What to do about my marriage?

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 16:55:46 -0800

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary. In a week I turn 40, so I’m doing a little reflection on my life. I have two kids, one in the final year of high school, the other with two years to go. I’m halfway through a degree – I’ll be done in 18 months, and I work part time. I haven’t had sex in 4 years (and very intermittently in the previous 5) because my husband has absolutely no interest. What should I do? The doctor has told him he needs to lose weight (at least 60 pounds) in order to fix his libido. The doctor has told him that before. He has recently quit his gym membership in favour of playing World of Warcraft.

My husband often professes his deep love for me, and says there is nothing he would change about me. It seems to make my requests for him to be more financially responsible seem a little petty. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or watch porn, but he does impulse-buy, usually quite small amounts (junk food), but they add up when the family income is low. He is willing to perform any chore I ask him to, but doesn’t think to do it (mow the lawn, fix the fence) unless I ask. He procrastinates. The responsibility for all decision making rests with me. He says it’s because he has a history of making poor decisions.

We have talked about all these issues, many times over the years. I have been patient and loving and suggested solutions and supported him. He often starts out well, but then forgets to continue. Sometimes he decides to fix an issue with an all or nothing solution, like a radical diet and exercise plan that’s hard to maintain, or refusing to carry any money at all. I’m sympathetic, but I’m tired.

I know the obvious answer is to DTMFA (MF doesn’t quite fit) but here’s the thing. I am not gorgeous, and I never was, but age is certainly not helping. (It’s possible my circumstances have influenced my self image negatively.) I’ve browsed the dating forums and the guys I might be interested in, would not be interested in me. So is it better to be alone, and sexless, than to be with a irresponsible but loving companion and sexless?

For those of you wishing to suggest therapy, can you suggest how it might actually help? We have no problem communicating, he is very aware of the issues I have and sympathetic to them, but he seems unable to follow through with change. For those suggesting depression, I would not think this is an issue. He says (and I believe him) that he is very happy with the way life is. He looks forward to when the kids are older and we have more freedom. He is content in his work in the best job he’s ever had. For those suggesting I get a bit on the side, thank you, but no. I’ve thought about it and I would not be happy with cheating, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

Lastly, if the only solution is to leave, I suspect I'll hold off until the youngest finishes high school in about 2.5 years - so tips for staying might be useful too.

My mind wants to but my body doesn't

missmagenta — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 13:17:48 -0800

I'm having some sexual problems, my mind wants to but my body doesn't. I love my boyfriend very much and I'm very attracted to him. I really enjoy having sex with him but lately my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my desires. I'm 24, I've been taking cerazette (mini pill) for about 4 months. Since I started taking it my libido has decreased but that hasn't really been a problem - its put me more in line with my fella - before I was a bit of a nymphomaniac.

In the last few weeks things have been difficult. I've been sort of tense down there and I've been having trouble getting lubed up through physical contact - but when he talks dirty to me I get hot and bothered in minutes. We've been together for 5 years so I cant imagine that I'm suddenly nervous or self concious.

Am I just getting old? Should I just buy some lube and forget about it?

Don't know if this is relevant but I've suffered from severe depression since I was 14, I've had therapy and anti-depressants but neither really ever helped. But I got older and things got better especially when I met my boyfriend. Just after I graduated I went through a bad patch , I was unemployed and feeling kinda worthless but I pulled myself out of it and found a job and got on with my life. A few weeks ago I had a bit of a relapse but I'm mostly OK now.
For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've been having muscle twitches - more than normal. It started 2 1/2 weeks ago just in my thighs but it spread to the rest of my legs, my neck, my arms and my abdomen. The frequency is less now - probably about 20 times a day down from about 100 (rough guess, I'm not counting) Its driving me nuts - they dont hurt but they're really annoying. I dont know if the two issues could be related.