Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with libido

A sexual Catch-22.

Anonymous — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 11:10:45 -0800

Is there anything I can do to counteract the negative effect Yasmin is having on my libido? I've been taking Yasmin for about three weeks now, and I'm already noticing a worrisome decrease in my (usually extremely high) sex drive.

Normally, I'd go to my gynecologist and ask her to switch me to a different variety of hormonal birth control. Sadly, though, this isn't really an option because I'm leaving in a few days to visit my boyfriend, who lives in another state. There wouldn't be time for a different form of BC to take effect before then. Since we don't get to see each other often, we have a lot of "physical activity" planned, and I don't want to ruin that aspect of our visit by not having any interest in sex.

Basically, I'm looking for a way to stay on Yasmin (at least for a few more weeks) AND maintain my awesome libido. Does anyone have any tips for how I can increase my sexual appetite while on this drug? Or any (hopefully reassuring) anecdotes about how Yasmin affected your sex life?

Thanks!

29 and exhausted... what could be wrong?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:25:14 -0800

I'm an otherwise healthy 29 year old male who easily gets exhausted and mentally foggy on a regular basis, sometimes seemingly without cause. Not normal-tired, but feeling as if I were 80 years old. It's been like this for at least a year and a half. I have an appointment to see a doctor (endocrinologist) in two weeks, but now that I've finally admitted to myself that I've got a problem... I'm antsy to start figuring out what it might be. Any ideas, hive mind? More details inside... My symptoms are: slow, foggy thinking (almost like being drunk), low motivation, physical weakness/heaviness, emotional flatness, irritability, low interest in sex, low interest in much of anything, a general feeling of "drugginess"... feeling like an altered state.

Some days I have no symptoms at all. When I do have them, I usually start the day feeling fine, then the symptoms roll in all at once. Often around 3 or 4pm... lasting until the end of the day.

When I have my symptoms, caffeine seems to make them worse (especially mental fog). Alcohol, oddly, seems to make them better.

I took finasteride (Propecia) for 4 years (for hairloss), but quit 1 year ago, thinking it might be the cause of my problems. I initially felt better, but then went back to my symptoms, though only 1/2 as severe. This may be the cause or just made an existing problem worse. Either way, I'm more curious about what might have happened, rather than the reason.

Thanks, everybody.

Mid forties male, no libido. What now?

lndl — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:45:46 -0800

I seem to have lost all my libido (sex-drive). Mid-forties male, not health related. Advice? More details inside. OK, synopsis:
I'm 45 yo male. I just got engaged to my girlfriend of some years, who is absolutely the one for me.
The last 6 months have been rough though.
1st I had to take a work stress related break from work (never happened before). My mother is terminally ill. I've also now just been made redundant at work. I was also in a car crash, though not injured. As a consequence of these and other issues I'm seeing a therapist to try to see how to find my way forward and understand myself better.

On the positive side I have an understanding, supportive (sexy) partner, I'm exceptionally fit as I'm training 2/3 hours a day for a world class endurance sport event and look like a guy in his mid 30's. I eat well, sleep ok, don't drink or smoke, I'm well educated, read a lot and have a very inquiring mind.
(Sorry if all this sounds arrogant, it's not meant to be, just heading off possible discussion diversions).

But in the last 6 months my libido has completely disappeared. I'm not talking about erectile dysfunction but actual interest in sex (not even masturbation). I didn't worry about it for a while but I am starting to now.

Yes it seems it could all be explained by everything going on in my soap opera life at the moment but I haven't really discussed it with my therapist yet (not deliberately, just other things were even more important), but I'm worried that it might be "gone".
While this wouldn't be a problem for me if I was single if I didn't care , it will eventually become a problem for us a couple. Any advice?

My groin wants what my brain doesn't!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:12:20 -0800

The type of guy I like to spend time with isn't the type I like to have sex with. What now? Probably NSFW! I'm a good-looking, intelligent woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We're pretty much blissfully happy. He's gorgeous, I love him, he loves me, we're simpatico, we want to grow old together, we've weathered some rough stuff (rainclouds, not typhoons) and come out stronger, and neither of us has been unfaithful.

However, although I'm extremely turned on by his looks, I'm not sexually attracted to his personality. The type of guy I enjoy being with (sweet, funny, kind, gentle, cute, boyish) isn't the type that turns me on (rough, rude, cruel, bossy, arrogant, dominant, older ... basically Martin Amis). I *loathe* the people I find sexy.

I've never reached orgasm with my bf; I can only orgasm when I masturbate to fantasies of being dragged around and degraded by the Type A douchebags of the world.

At first I thought I could be okay with having a mediocre sexual relationship with a guy I'm crazy about, but well ... now I'm here typing this.

I've already tried coaching my bf to be more sexually aggressive, but it's clear by now that it's just not in him. Is the relationship doomed? When I'm old, am I likely to feel like I wasted my 20s? Or should I just get over the whole sex thing? :-/

More than once every 52 seconds

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:44:48 -0800

I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it? I'm 22, and I've noticed my desire increasing very sharply over the past year or so. It's getting in the way of other activities I have and making it difficult to keep up with studying, as I'll frequently become distracted when even obliquely reminded of arousing things, even more than my high school years. I masturbate at least once daily, often more, but it doesn't satisfy, regardless of how long I take doing it, even extending beyond an hour. I've been on antidepressants, but I've found that sexual feelings remain, whether or not I get an erection.

I haven't done anything illegal or even particulary antisocial other than flirting with some women already in relationships, but I'm still a virgin and I think the way I approach women unconsciously as a result of this has actually cost me several opportunities for sex and sex play, among other things. I've been to multiple therapists, responses ranging from "just wait and it'll decrease naturally" to "It's perfectly normal" and that I probably should be happy my sexual stamina is so high. Other resources I've found include a Mormon pamphlet advising dunking the genitals in icewater, and some people with physical sex addiction problems that seem far distant from my experiences. Is that really all there is?

Is my biological clock attached to a sex bomb?

Ambrosia Voyeur — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:37:04 -0800

One often hears about the mid-thirties "sexual peak" for women. I have some questions about that. What is this change really like, from your experiences?

How much of this theory assumes a repressive attitude toward female sexual gratification or a delayed onset of it, and how much is actually a dependable increase or decrease in libido-related hormones? Which hormones are verifiably tied to female sex drive?

My libido is, in a word, unruly. Apart from the obvious upside, it's rather like PMS, f that helps clarify my difficulty: inconstant, hard to control, disorienting, distracting, inappropriate, irrational. I went off the pill and it skyrocketed. I am concerned about its likelihood to ride me off the rails over the next ten years. I don't relish the thought of becoming even more like an 18 year old boy, when I'm a sensible and satisfied 26 year old woman. Should I really expect my libido to increase in force, or does this theory merely intend to say that women get better at getting off, like, by learned behaviors, as they mature?

If you have experienced an excess of libido, advice thereto is also appreciated.

SNRIs vs. libido

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 19:18:04 -0800

Is there any way to stay on SNRIs but restore libido? Possibly TMI about sex life inside, quite possibly NSFW. My doctor started me on an SNRI and it's working great except for one thing: my libido has decreased drastically.

I frequently can't maintain an erection or, when I can, there's no guarantee even under direct stimulation of ever reaching an orgasm. After an hour or so it's more likely the skin will eventually tear, even with a lot of lube.

It's not necessarily a problem when single, but I haven't been dating throughout most of this depression and I'd like to start again. Ability to have a reciprocal sexual relationship would be a big plus.

I tried a couple of cock rings; one couldn't guarantee an erection; the other kept the blood inside but after about 45 minutes I got bored and gave up, wanting to avoid hurting myself again.

Yes, I have a doctor and no, you are not him, but I'd like to try to solve this somehow without telling him the details of my mostly nonexistent sex life.

Are there any over the counter treatments reliably good at increasing libido? Naturally I'll look them up first in PubMed, PDR, etc. to make sure they play well with my particular SNRI.

Excuse me sir, are you happy to see me?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 12:08:32 -0800

Why is it easier for me to achieve sexual arousal now rather than 10 years ago? This is something I've noticed over the last couple of years. I'm really not sure if this is a phenomenon that has been researched or not.

I'm currently 29. About 10 years ago, I remember that I would only be sexually aroused by the sight of nude or near nude women. Women wearing provocative clothing were nice to look at, but did nothing for me.

Now, I find myself aroused if a woman is showing even a hint of cleavage or wearing a tight fitting top. I find that I have sexual fantasies much more often about my girlfriend and other women than I did as a 19 year old.

According to my intuition, isn't this the opposite of how it should be? I thought that sexual arousal was easier to achieve at a younger age, and that when you got older, it waned.

Any thoughts or explanations would be appreciated.

Here is my backwards curse: Girls I might befriend platonically always end up wanting "something more," and it ends in disaster. How can I break this pattern of causing pain?

consilium — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 13:46:15 -0800

Girls I might want to befriend are romantically/sexually attracted to me...Are platonic relationships really possible? If so, how do I get out of this pattern of disastrous endings? Most specifically, how do I relate to a new "female friend" in my life without causing pain? I'm a heterosexual, 24 year-old, solitary type of guy...Let's put the tendencies towards social isolation aside because I have absolutely no problem with that right now. Fact is, I don't make friends easily and when I do make a connection, for whatever reason it tends to be with a girl...This next part is going to sound very backwards: the problem is that I am open to (not seeking, but certainly open to) platonic relationships, but 9/10 times they don't work out...it soon gets weird as I realize the girl is attracted to me and wants more than friendship. This pattern has played itself out to tragic ends one too many times. I want to learn how to deal with this without hurting anyone...myself included....

Put aside my current resistance to romance, because it is genuine and well-founded...I have no problem with it. I've experienced and ended two serious relationships in the past 18 months and realize now that I have some issues to work out before I can cause more good than harm to another person (and myself) in that role. I don't see anything lacking to be filled by a romance right now. My sex drive is nil, at absolute zero...has been for almost 6 months (sounds weird but it's happened before too). If I had a girlfriend or a wife, that would be pathology; being single, I consider it a blessing. It gives me time and energy for other things. My attention is elsewhere, and for me, at this moment in my life, that's just fine.

So I think I have great, healthy reasons for keeping things platonic...But is it really possible? I appear to be "making friends" with a girl from work. Am I being naive yet again? I think I am, though not as completely this time. What in the world do I do?

I asked elderwisdomcircle.org and my elder accused me of sending mixed signals to the girls I meet. In the past 6 or 7 cases that might have happened once, but except for the one case where I was admittedly confused, I think I have been very clear and careful about what I say and do. In the very last case I told the girl in txt messages and emails that I was not at all interested in romance. I guess it would've been more effective in person, and I could've sunk the point and added "with anyone, including you," but I am timid and don't want to be presumptuous or rude about these things. Anyway, it ended in disaster...

How can I explain where I'm coming from without causing pain, without making an ass out of myself, and hopefully without losing a friend? How can I prevent the pattern from playing out yet again? My new "platonic friend" is almost certainly attracted to me. Do I have any options that don't involve people getting hurt? What is the best one?

Should I just make it a point not to talk to girls? Be an asshole upfront to avoid being more of an asshole later? Should I lie and tell them I'm gay? (Someone here is probably going to suggest I actually *am* gay...but I have no romantic/sexual interest in guys whatsoever...I am a heterosexual, though during periods [like now] I guess asexual would be more accurate).

I guess my most pressing question is what in the world to do about the current situation and this girl who's already in my life? Thankfully I don't have a phone right now so it has taken off some of the pressure...I see her once a week at work and we sometimes exchange emails...we had lunch and went to the beach twice. I can sense she wants to spend more time together, and I suspect that it's likely to end in some kind of disaster yet again.

Please try to leave aside and accept as givens the solitary tendencies, the asexuality, the resistance to romance. You might think that these are issues but I don't see any of it as problematic at this moment in my life. I do accept that at some point I could probably benefit from some really good professional counseling, though it doesn't seem imperative (or affordable) right now...

If I could have a platonic friend, great, if not...fine, but I want to avoid or minimize this pattern of causing pain. MeFi, please share your thoughts and any relevant experience...thanks!

What to do about my marriage?

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 16:55:46 -0800

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary. In a week I turn 40, so I’m doing a little reflection on my life. I have two kids, one in the final year of high school, the other with two years to go. I’m halfway through a degree – I’ll be done in 18 months, and I work part time. I haven’t had sex in 4 years (and very intermittently in the previous 5) because my husband has absolutely no interest. What should I do? The doctor has told him he needs to lose weight (at least 60 pounds) in order to fix his libido. The doctor has told him that before. He has recently quit his gym membership in favour of playing World of Warcraft.

My husband often professes his deep love for me, and says there is nothing he would change about me. It seems to make my requests for him to be more financially responsible seem a little petty. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or watch porn, but he does impulse-buy, usually quite small amounts (junk food), but they add up when the family income is low. He is willing to perform any chore I ask him to, but doesn’t think to do it (mow the lawn, fix the fence) unless I ask. He procrastinates. The responsibility for all decision making rests with me. He says it’s because he has a history of making poor decisions.

We have talked about all these issues, many times over the years. I have been patient and loving and suggested solutions and supported him. He often starts out well, but then forgets to continue. Sometimes he decides to fix an issue with an all or nothing solution, like a radical diet and exercise plan that’s hard to maintain, or refusing to carry any money at all. I’m sympathetic, but I’m tired.

I know the obvious answer is to DTMFA (MF doesn’t quite fit) but here’s the thing. I am not gorgeous, and I never was, but age is certainly not helping. (It’s possible my circumstances have influenced my self image negatively.) I’ve browsed the dating forums and the guys I might be interested in, would not be interested in me. So is it better to be alone, and sexless, than to be with a irresponsible but loving companion and sexless?

For those of you wishing to suggest therapy, can you suggest how it might actually help? We have no problem communicating, he is very aware of the issues I have and sympathetic to them, but he seems unable to follow through with change. For those suggesting depression, I would not think this is an issue. He says (and I believe him) that he is very happy with the way life is. He looks forward to when the kids are older and we have more freedom. He is content in his work in the best job he’s ever had. For those suggesting I get a bit on the side, thank you, but no. I’ve thought about it and I would not be happy with cheating, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

Lastly, if the only solution is to leave, I suspect I'll hold off until the youngest finishes high school in about 2.5 years - so tips for staying might be useful too.

My mind wants to but my body doesn't

missmagenta — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 13:17:48 -0800

I'm having some sexual problems, my mind wants to but my body doesn't. I love my boyfriend very much and I'm very attracted to him. I really enjoy having sex with him but lately my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my desires. I'm 24, I've been taking cerazette (mini pill) for about 4 months. Since I started taking it my libido has decreased but that hasn't really been a problem - its put me more in line with my fella - before I was a bit of a nymphomaniac.

In the last few weeks things have been difficult. I've been sort of tense down there and I've been having trouble getting lubed up through physical contact - but when he talks dirty to me I get hot and bothered in minutes. We've been together for 5 years so I cant imagine that I'm suddenly nervous or self concious.

Am I just getting old? Should I just buy some lube and forget about it?

Don't know if this is relevant but I've suffered from severe depression since I was 14, I've had therapy and anti-depressants but neither really ever helped. But I got older and things got better especially when I met my boyfriend. Just after I graduated I went through a bad patch , I was unemployed and feeling kinda worthless but I pulled myself out of it and found a job and got on with my life. A few weeks ago I had a bit of a relapse but I'm mostly OK now.
For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've been having muscle twitches - more than normal. It started 2 1/2 weeks ago just in my thighs but it spread to the rest of my legs, my neck, my arms and my abdomen. The frequency is less now - probably about 20 times a day down from about 100 (rough guess, I'm not counting) Its driving me nuts - they dont hurt but they're really annoying. I dont know if the two issues could be related.

Why doesn't my b/c love me back?

sunshinesky — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 11:29:45 -0800

Hormonal Birth Control woes... I'm going to try to keep this as coherent as possible:

22 years old and in a committed, loving relationship. On b/c for 5 years, NuvaRing for the last 9 months.

problem #1: No sex drive. Before birth control I was an uncontrollable 'nymphomaniac'. I rarely, if ever initiate sex anymore and it is not for lack of attraction or functionality of our relationship. I simply have no desire for sex until I'm actually doing it. Even then, I dry up easily despite plenty of desire to want sex.

problem #2: Onset of depression almost immediately after starting NuvaRing, with no other obvious trigger. Life was good, and since I became depressed I have felt basically disabled. My mood swings are awful. I scream and do things I would usually find completely unreasonable, torturing my boyfriend and roommates. Enough suicidal ideation often brought up by inconsequential difficulties and plenty of self destructive behaviour that leads to further depression.

problem #3: God-awful latex allergy, and a propensity to have an upset vaginal pH and subsequent infections.

So my question is: What are my options?!

I've skimmed through previous posts and found plenty of great advice, but none that really seemed to fit my needs.

Ideally I'd like to be off hormonal b/c as soon as possible. The implications of that move are a bit bothersome though:

- Non-latex condoms are awesome, but they are also relatively expensive. A pack of 5 runs about $18 at my local pharmacy. $15/mo for b/c is already stretching the budget, so I can't see me with increased libido buying all those condoms.
- Given my tendancy toward infection, I'm extremely wary about a copper IUD. I seriously don't want PID.
I also get enough cramps already, thanks.
- BBT charting was suggested in another thread, but while I'm in a stable relationship, we are by no means ready for an accident. I am thoroughly pro-choice, but have recently questioned my own ability to have an abortion. I'd rather not put us in that position.

So MeFites, is there any hope for me? Is there some miracle out there?

For the record, I have my annual exam with my GYN coming up, and I fully intend on bringing this up. I was just hoping I could get some anecdotal info before I go in. Thanks so much, and sorry for the length!

Low Libido Causes

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 07:07:38 -0800

What is a good starting point for rectifying a low libido? How can one determine if it is physical or mental? I am a 32 yr-old female. I have MS. I am on birth control and Prozac as well as an interferon. I did not have sex until I was in college, and it began as an alcohol related event. My poor self-image was not helped by that. I frequently get UTIs. I am not sure where to seek help to get this issue resolved before it destroys the best relationship I have ever had. Any suggestions?

libido odds

Anonymous — Wed, 23 May 2007 07:48:45 -0800

What is the likelihood my girlfriend will ever get any sort of horny? I am a late 20s involuntary virgin male. I've been very sexually frustrated (and therefore depressed) since high school, never being able to convince any girls to like me, though Lord did I try. (I'm maybe average looking - I've at least worked out and stayed fit since I was 13, solely to try and impress females - but sort of low status and introverted, both in high school/college and post-college). Finally a year ago I did successfully court a pretty girl and had my first kiss. She was 20 and also never kissed anyone. (which is a good thing, because I felt really off schedule) We had some eager make out sessions in the early days and we steadily progressed through the bases, and she went on the pill. Many downsides followed:

- Every time I tried to sexually penetrate her, she says it hurts, (or makes an intense grimace) and so I stop. My penis is not big and we've tried plenty of lube.

- Despite giving her oral sex every week, she said she found the idea of giving me oral sex reflexively upsetting. She associates it with rape and male oppression. *shrug* (no, she has never been sexually abused. Certain.)

- Every time I give her oral sex or kiss her, she lays there bored, completely motionless, and tired. Many times she does fall asleep.

None of this is because she is conservative or 'not ready' for sex. This is obvious for a number of reasons, including her say so and her opinions. About 6 months in she cries and says she lost her libido entirely. She strongly suspects the pill and says she needs to get off of it. She does. 6 months later her libido has not returned (it's disappeared) and we still have not had sex due to her lack of desire and pain. No sort of kissing or anything interests her or turns her on anymore either. Recently she cried again, she finds this very upsetting. She wants to be horny, and finds horny and sex to be desirable and valuable things. She is certain something biological is going on - and is convinced it was the pill, because she was incredibly horny before that.

But I think there is a confounding factor - she went on the pill shortly after she met me - it seems just as likely I slowly killed her libido by being unattractive (in status, awesomeness, appearance, personality) and a lousy lover. Obviously nothing I do is pleasing to her body, and she never seems smitten at all with me (she says 'sometimes' she feels attracted to me, if I ask)

I have never been a pig about her lack of desire or anything else, nor have I ever displayed any "self-pity" in front of her. Though I have always encouraged her to be open about what I can or shouldn't do to help her. (She doesn't know)

She's got her womanly checkup in a couple of weeks, and she will inquire.

I really like my girlfriend - we are best friends, each other's only friends, in fact- but honestly I've been ready to have a sexual relationship for what seems like forever, and it sucks being a statistical outlier on such an important part of being a human being. My best years are almost gone and I want a healthy sexual relationship. My Internet research is not encouraging that her problem has an obvious source or will ever go away. Scientists seem to know nothing about the mysterious female libido. I'm not optimistic about her clinic visit.

My question for the crowd is what are the odds things will ever change? What are the odds that I am really the problem? How long should I wait? Should I breakup with her for both our sakes? (yes I'll wait until after the clinic's opinion - she might have a tumor or something. Probably not.) I've spent so long with such pitiful luck trying to win female affection that it really seems like I'll never be able to get what I've got now (however incomplete), but I honestly feel like I'm standing in her way of getting the sexuality she wants too. Meanwhile I invest a lot of money, emotions, and energy into this relationship, and yet she doesn't seem to feel much for me emotionally either. Never bought me a present, paid me compliment, and hints that I almost certainly have an assigned expiration date. Meanwhile when I give her presents, compliments, etc, she doesn't respond with much emotion. She hints that it upsets her how little she is able to feel for me emotionally as well. (she doesn't have any other friends, and hasn't really since grade school, and it doesn't seem like she feels many good emotions for anybody outside her small nuclear family.) She agrees I make her happy, if I ask.

I'm not much better than her socially, and in fact her companionship kept me from what was a near-suicidal loneliness and emptiness. So this is tough. But I certainly do not want to keep putting a draining investment into a relationship that will likely never have any sort of normal sexual desire and behavior. On the other hand I do not want to break up with her if there is a chance I am overlooking a problem with a likelihood of a cure. My ignorance is calculating this likelihood.

How can I get my doctor to take me seriously about my libido problems?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 09:26:36 -0800

How can I get my doctor to take me seriously about my libido problems? I'm 21, a woman, and engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I have always been overweight (yet confident, healthy and body positive!) and I have been using oral contraceptives for three years. I have not made any drastic changes to warrant my problem.

About a year ago, my sex drive just... disappeared. I went from thinking and breathing sex most of the day, masturbating often and initiating most sexual encounters to barely wanting to undress, play or do anything sexual whatsoever. The change wasn't really noticeable until I realized that my partner and I weren't having sex very often and that I consistently had to turn him down for one reason or another. We are definitely attracted to each other and have no relationship problems that would cause sexual dysfunction. This, to me, feels more than just the "honeymoon phase" ending. He and I have wonderful communication and openness--it is not a relationship problem. I have always thought that if both parties are comfortable with the rate of sexual activity, even if it's low, then there's no problem---but I'm not comfortable with it! I want more sex and I want my sex drive back!

It feels like a physical thing, so I want to see my doctor about it. I've talked to my NP, who shot me down completely: I'm not horny because I'm fat ("by the way, consider Weight Watchers"), and besides, I shouldn't worry about it because I'm so young; since I depend on the state to fulfill my meager health needs, I can usually only see pissy nurses who aren't getting paid enough and have some kind of vendetta against sexually-active young women. Back when I was on my parent's insurance, I mentioned it to my family doctor, who laughed and said that I don't need to worry about it because I am not married (!).

Perhaps it's just been a string of bad experiences that makes me so unconfident with talking to doctors about my sexual problems, but I want to know how to get a doctor to take me seriously. I wish I could say, "Humor me, doc. Give me a barrage of hormonal tests, thyroid tests, what have you until everything comes out fine--maybe then I'll be satisfied with 'lose weight, hurf durf butter eater'." This is a pretty ...conservative region, so it's not easy to find a sex-positive doctor. It seems my age, my size and my gender have just been a joke and frankly, I'm sick of it. What do I do? What are the magic words?

anonymous because the last thing i need is my employer googling my screenname and reading about my sex life

What happened to my libido?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 09:28:27 -0800

I'm a recently out, gay 21 year-old college student. I recently met someone and things are starting to get serious. Last night he came over and I couldn't get aroused. I've never had a problem with that before. What's going on? At 21, I have finally come to terms with my sexuality and have begun to seek out relationships. Recently, I started dating someone and last night was our first attempt at any kind of sex (my first gay experience, as well). He had no problem with anything, but even after extended play, I could not maintain an erection.

Clearly, this was quite disconcerting to me as I am quite attracted to this boy and was very excited and into the experience. I usually have a large amount of sexual energy and have no problem getting it up, so I have no idea why I couldn't maintain an erection this time (when it would have been very handy, for once). At 21, I really doubt it's ED. I also work out regularly and am generally in good health.

Mefites: What could be going on here?

Please send additional questions to mybrothercharles@gmail.com.

Low libido

Anonymous — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 07:03:05 -0800

The girlfriend has lost her sex drive, and mine is higher than ever. Help! Shes 21 and im 23 and been together 4 months now. We had a little issue when the condom broke, and she is extremely paranoid about that (went and got the emergency pill straight away) and as a result we havent had sex in over a month (used to be several times a week). Ive tried talking to her about it, and suggesting things we could try. But whatever I say she just gets depressed and doesnt want to talk.

But now i'm getting depressed as im constantly feeling rejected and ignored. Whenever I hint at some bedroom activities its met with outright rejection or a "yeah right" sarcastic comment. The other night we fooled around a bit, but she wouldnt let me do anything to her, and after i felt terrible because i felt like she caved in to my nagging and that she didnt really want to do it.

I would hate to end this relationship due to sex. But im going crazy and we're both getting depressed. Im angry that sex has become this important to me and that ive let it become an issue.

What can i do to rescue us?

Help me cure lesbian bed-death!

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 15:53:02 -0800

Help me cure lesbian bed-death. Lesbians and non-lesbians alike are welcome to reply. It's a not-so-funny joke in the gay community that a few months into a serious relationship. lesbians stop having sex. My partner and I have been together for six years now, and, although we talk about sex (especially how much we miss it!) we don't have sex. Maybe once a month, possibly less often than that. We are young (20's) and although we have both struggled with weight and body issues we are currently getting fit and feeling awesome about our bodies. We used to think that it was that we felt fat and not at all sexy, but with the fat part disappearing, we still don't feel sexy.

Last year we had a threesome, with a man. For my partner it confirmed that she was definitely a lesbian. For me it was like having a hands-free dildo. Neither of us got our rocks off that night, but for a couple of weeks afterward we had the best sex of our lives. This, however, is not a solution to the problem. I don't want to have to bring another person into the relationship periodically just so that the two of us can have good sex later.

Other than that experience, we are each other's only sexual partner. We were each other's first. We are open and experimentative, we talk about everything, and we are open to trying just about anything - that is, if we haven't already. When we do have sex it is very enjoyable, but for the most part (and we have discussed this) we would both rather, ahem, take care of it ourselves.

So my question is: how can we get interested in sex again? How can we get interested in each other? We cuddle, we chat, we do all those love-dovey things every single day (what can I say, we are affectionate), we just don't have sex. And yes, it is a problem, because we both miss it very much.

Help me wake up my libido!

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 23:15:48 -0800

Help me wake up my libido! I am a 24 year old female with a very low sex drive. I have a great boyfriend of 4 years, and when we do get physical, it's always wonderful, but often leading up to it I am just not interested at all. I think about sex almost never. I am rarely horny and I am almost never the initiator. I could probably go for months without ever thinking about it or feeling unsatisfied. Once we get going, of course I enjoy myself, but I just have no motivation when it comes to it.

I think a major reason for this is a mental hang-up, thanks to my parents drilling it into me that "sex before marriage is WRONG." Could this be the sole reason for my low sex drive?

I want to want to have sex. I don't want to be a lazy lay, and I want to satisfy my boyfriend. Anyone have any advice on "waking up" my libido?

For the record, I'm not on any medication (I actually went off the pill, hoping it might help with my sex drive--although it was low before I ever got on the pill,) and yes, I have orgasms--though it takes me a long time to get "there."

Hope this wasn't TMI. Any advice is appreciated.

Low Libido

rhapsodie — Tue, 28 Jun 2005 13:59:27 -0800

Have any of you experienced (or noticed in your male partner) an extremely low libido for long periods of time? How did you and your partner get through it? What did you do to combat it? My husband and I are both 24 and were virgins on our wedding night. Before we got married he couldn't keep his hands off of me. After marriage we discovered that I have a form of vulvodynia (vulvar pain) that makes intercourse painful. Because of this, it took us a year to be able to successfully have intercourse, but making sure to be extremely loving and sensual to each others bodies during that time. Intercourse still hurts me a bit, but it hurts less the more frequently we do it: practice makes perfect. And I'm no longer crying from the pain.

He was on anti-depressants for a while (which may have caused his sex drive to drop) and switched to Wellbutrin to have a lesser effect on his sex drive. I didn't notice any change. He has been off all medication for over a year and things are not getting better.

And yet, he is just not interested in any sexual intimacy. We consistently go a month between any sort of sexual activity, including make-out sessions. We have gone without for two months a few times before. We do cuddle frequently, and feel very close to each other emotionally. We went through a cycle where he would tell me that yes, he is interested, but not right now, and then I would beg and he would be even more turned off. Thankfully I stopped all the begging, but his desire did not change. This has been going on for almost three years now, and I am tired of waiting to see when he might be in the mood.

We tried herbal supplements, Horny Goat Weed and another I cannot remember, but they didn't do anything for him. I am confident he is not cheating on me, and he has no problem being aroused or ejaculating. And here I thought all men were ruled by their penis.

I had been considering posting this anonymously, but then made a comment in another thread along these lines. Is this possibly a medical problem? What do you do to help yourself or your partner get back the desire you used to have?