Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with lesbian

I don't know how to be gay.

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:15:03 -0800

I'm a twenty year old gay woman. For 2010, I want to learn how to flirt with other women. The problems are...

- I fail at making friends with women, but I'm an expert at befriending and flirting with men. All of my friends are, and always have been, men.

- I feel like I'm "lesser" than other women. I feel like I'm this unclean, perverted person because I'm attracted to them - like I'm an impostor and if they knew I found them attractive they'd find me repulsive.

- I'm incredibly shy around women.

Yes, I'm single. I want to change that! I want to learn how to flirt with/attract/ask out other women. I've never been flirted with/asked out by a woman in my life. Help!

Engaging young gay adults in the criminal justice system.

The Straightener — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 14:32:31 -0800

How do I more effectively encourage gay young adults in the criminal justice system to engage with the larger gay community? (long question) As a social worker in the criminal justice system I am regularly in contact with young gay men and women who are entering the criminal justice system for the first time as felony drug offenders. Many of the offenders I work with have never encountered the city's larger gay community. They come from extremely small worlds; many have barely ever left their neighborhoods let alone hung out with groups of other young, gay adults. Picture Snoop from the Wire as a typical young lesbian I encounter; rough drug dealer girls who pride themselves on being hard like the corner boys. The young gay men more typically come from tough white working class neighborhoods but have a similarly limited amount of exposure to larger gay culture.

Both groups have limitations in terms of literacy, substance abuse problems, often co-occuring mental health disorders, often histories of sexual abuse. Breaching the subject of sexuality is something I've only done once with a client I was extremely close to, who I felt trusted me enough that I could suggest that she try to plug into the larger gay community by contacting the local gay and lesbian community center to see what kinds of services and programs they have for young black gay women.

She was totally cool with me bringing it up, but seemed...not disinterested, more like the suggestion just didn't make a lot of sense. She clearly didn't understand why she would want to plug in with the larger gay community, or what doing so would do for. I tried to explain what I felt would be the benefits of plugging in with some other young gay women, but wasn't really able to create a spark of interest. At that point I dropped it, because as a social worker I feel it's more important for me to focus on the things my clients feel are important, rather than what I think might be important for them.

The thing is that our program is constantly telling clients about the importance of changing people, places and things, which for many of our clients is next to impossible. They don't know anyone who isn't dealing or using drugs, and usually live on blocks where everyone is dealing and using drugs under their noses all the time. I feel like with my gay clients I have a chance to engage them in this other world of positive support they are completely unaware of if only I could plug them into the gay community. But I'm not sure how to best go about it consindering that my gay clients are often hardened street kids who distrust anyone who doesn't come from their neighborhood and have maybe never even been downtown except to go to court.

I'm hoping for some protips from the gay community here on AskMe. Thanks.

Lesbian assault help

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:00:09 -0800

My first lesbian experience quickly became assault. What do I do to take care of myself now? While I'm a queer female, I've never actually been with a woman before. I was at an event that promoted safe exploration of female sexuality. I'd sussed out the org for a while and did research before going in; they had a long list of rules and procedures and had a history of organising such events so I figured I'd be OK.

I spent most of the night observing what was going on before jumping in. Unfortunately I happened to get the one psycho of the group - a crazy hyperactive (later I found out she was drunk) girl who didn't know what she was going, was rough to the point of pain and bleeding, and was very insistent. Despite me begging her to stop and be gentle (she knew it was my first time), she kept going, or she'd change up and then go back to being rough and painful.

I was in near shock and it didn't hit me that it was assault until I got into the taxi home and started crying. Ever since then I've been having flashes of memories, the smell of people's bodies would set me off, and I just feel so lost.

I've been talking to some friends (esp those active with the queer community here) and they've been fantastic with support and resources. But I'm not sure where I can go for help. Looking up "lesbian assault" on Google gets me porn. A lot of the abuse/assault resources are for women attacked by men; not so much for women attacked by women.

I've emailed the organiser (though I think she knew what happened already, just emphasising the gravity of the situation) and I have a doctor's appointment today to check that there hasn't been terrible damage. I did use to see a psychologist for other things, but I'm not sure if queer sexuality is an area she's experienced in. But where to now? I'm going to a big family event overseas in a couple of weeks and they're really conservative (even my very liberal sister was a little bit judgemental when I told her) and I don't want to start breaking down halfway through the event. My boyfriend has been really supportive of everything, but I don't want to rely on him alone for help.

What can I do to take care of myself? Where can I go? (I live in Brisbane) I seem to go from feeling OK to feeling like crap as a yoyo. I keep feeling like I should apologize to someone but I don't know who. I don't want to press charges - I don't want to go through that whole process and I hardly remember the other girl's name. I just want to be able to heal.

Emails can be sent into agirlinpain@care2.com

Sex toy reuse?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:03:39 -0800

Is it squicky to reuse sex toys with a new lover? Lesbianfilter (but others, please weigh in if this seems relevant). I'm at the butch end of things. I have some lovely toys (expensive ones) that have been used with a former lover. Must I buy new ones for romps with the new femme in my life? I believe that they can be sanitized in the dishwasher, so this is more about whether suggesting them would be impolite and/or yucky.

How can I explore and stay safe while doing it?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:53:49 -0800

As a woman, how can I have safe sex with another woman? I'm interested in having casual sex for the first time, ever. (I'm not a virgin, just one of those people that ended up in the same relationship during high school and college and... yeah.) I have an IUD left over from the LTR (was with a man), so it's incredibly important that I don't end up with an STD or STI.

I went the meet-women-online route in hopes I could ask for actual documentation that the woman is STD-free, but the mention of that tends to be looked down upon/laughed at. Dental dams also fall into that category, both by people in person and online. I'm not sure if this is relevant, but in case it is, I won't be having sex with men at all. Just not interested.

That being said... How the heck do I stay safe?

She likes me, but does she like me like me?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:32:50 -0800

Late start at dating, and I'm worried that I don't/can't express attraction on dates or around people I like. Halp! I've gotten a really late start into the dating world. I'm in my mid-20s and have basically only gone on a handful of first dates (all arranged online), mostly in the past year or so, none of which have involved more physical contact than a rather chaste goodbye hug. A few times I've developed friendships with (single) women I've been pretty attracted to, but those have not morphed into anything more. (I don't know how to! Literally, don't know how those things happen.) Even aside from the mechanics of it ("touch her arm X times!" "mention Y!"--not that I think you can go by some textbook here), I don't know what happens if the "move" (physical or verbal) is unwanted/unrequited. Seems like it would be extremely awkward, especially if we've already become "friends." And it seems like friends is what I know how to do - I meet someone I'm attracted to and then when we hang out, I don't act like it's a date (I guess - how do you act like it's a date other than paying for someone?)

Relevant background:
-I'm a woman, and I'm pretty much only interested in dating women.
-I grew up (through high school) in a religious environment where no one dated and there was pretty extreme separation of the sexes. (i.e. lack of dating/flirting experience or exposure at a "normal" age, combined with developing the tendency to censor attraction since liking women wasn't really okay in that environment.) (But I have been away from that for >6 years at this point.)

I guess it would be perfect if I ended up on a date with someone who takes the reins and I'm attracted to, but:
a) I don't feel like I can/should count on someone else like that (as someone said in another AskMe: man who wait for roast duck to fly into mouth wait long time.)
b) I worry that I give off "not interested" signals, which might be stopping many people from taking the reins. I'm not an extremely physical person (would love to be more so) and I have these internal filters that seem to stop me from being really obvious about my attraction to people.

To my knowledge, no one, male or female, has ever overtly hit on me or expressed interest (excepting maybe the very occasional sketchy street dude), which suggests I'm either oblivious to cues or giving off some sort of "don't go there" signal.

How can I seem more receptive to advances? How do I express this stuff other than "hey, I like you?"

What happens when you try kissing someone (a friend suggested I just take the plunge and kiss someone I'd been hanging out with) and it wasn't wanted/expected? Or even if you grab their hand and it wasn't wanted?

Throwaway email since this is anon: askme.dating@gmail.com.

Previously straight-acting queer girl needs the dating 411!

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:16:38 -0800

I have a first date with a girl coming up, which is awesome and I'm psyched. Only... I've never dated girls before! Help! I realize that I should just "be myself" and such, but I'm nervous. I've always identified as queer and have kissed a few ladies in my time, but I've never dated another girl before and I'm kind of terrified that I'll make an ass out of myself.

I've had a series of long term relationships in the past, all with men. Should I mention that at the get go? The girl that I'm meeting identifies as gay (we met online) and I fear the stigma that can come with not having been a 'serious' lesbian, whatever that means. Also: are there signals that are commonly accepted among women as far as flirting and such? I feel like I'm sixteen again!

(Yes, I realize I'm probably overthinking this, I just really want this to go well!)

Who are our Pansexual Icons?

divabat — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:23:57 -0800

There are gay icons and lesbian icons - are there people who are bisexual/pansexual icons? I don't necessarily mean icons who are bisexual/pansexual (though they can be), but people who particularly appeal to bi/pan people the same way gay icons are, well, icons. How would you define such a person anyway?

I asked this on a LJ community for pansexuals and the only answer I got was the lead character of Torchwood, who's bisexual. Are there any others that would qualify? I'm thinking Lady Gaga or Angelina Jolie, but that's more "appeals to both sexes" rather than "appeals to bisexuals".

Can I complain about a doctor online?

arcticwoman — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 06:45:12 -0800

I had an absolutely terrible incident with a homophobic doctor. I have taken all the steps to report him to the local College of Physicians and Surgeons, and I hope he gets disciplined, but that doesn't address the systemic problem of homophobia in family physicians in my area (and it doesn't help me find a less homophobic doctor to switch to). I would like to blog about the incident, contact gay and lesbian associations, etc, but I am worried about being sued for libel/slander/I don't know. Will I get in trouble if I write publicly about this incident? Can I use the Dr's name? I'm in Alberta, Canada.

Welcome in Timonium?

lodie6 — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 07:41:46 -0800

I am one half of a lesbian couple with small children thinking of moving out of Baltimore and out to the suburbs. So far Timonium looks like the best bet. Will we be welcome there? We have located some neighborhoods in Lutherville-Timonium that meet our requirements of nice yards and great public schools, but are unsure about the political climate. We don't need for there to be tons (or even any) other non-traditional families in the immediate area, we just need people to be generally accepting and friendly. I know people in the suburbs tend to be more conservative than in the city, but are they so conservative that they're likely to be hostile to us living next door? Or to not want to babysit? Or to not let their kids come over for dinner? Or to stare rudely as we walk around the block? I'm sure there are some problem individuals anywhere we might go, but we're looking for a decent general climate.

Any insights welcome!

Who's my lover?

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 07:09:35 -0800

So, women-who-have-sex-with-women, what do you consider having had sex? I know that there is a school of thought that defines any significant sexual acts as having had sex. I also know that I wouldn't count just oral or manual sex with men in my list of men with whom I'd "had sex." Sexual activity? Yes, absolutely. Sexual activity that requires attention to STD details? Yes. But did I fuck X? No, I didn't fuck him, just a handjob. (If you have a huge problem with this definition, you may not need to answer this question.)

As a bisexual woman, I've drawn the line between messed around/foreplay/sexual activity/made out-with and "had sex with" in wholly subjective ways. Seems that we (me and other woman with whom i did...something) pretty much agree on the line, generally.

In heterosexual sex, one can quibble about the definition of "had sex" all one likes, but once penis is in vagina, no-one is disputing that this means that you've been lovers. In gay relationships, it seems to be a fuzzier line.

Sure, there's stuff between women that it is acknowledged that you'd only do with a more serious lover within the context of a relationship (i.e. we not usually fisting on the first date), but queer girls, where do you draw the line between making out and fucking?

Not gay, or at least, probably not.

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:24:46 -0800

I'm straight, but I've been seeing this girl. She's beautiful and a socialite and I've been feeling conflicted about being seen in public together. More inside... A month or so ago I broke up with my boyfriend of a year. As I began once again to enjoy the untethered life I started to go out with my friends, and I met some really interesting people. You see, this is the first time I've really ever gone out while single, and I didn't expect it to be as easy as it was to meet people. One of these new friends is a girl who I find amazing. She's smart, multilingual, funny, easy going, absolutely freaking gorgeous and for whatever reason she is interested in me.

We have a lot of fun together, enjoy a lot of the same things, even think things at the same time pretty frequently. We've even been romantic together, and it went pretty well as far as those things go. But, after a few nights out with her friends (who I love) in local bars word has spread that I am *gasp* playing for the other team. Exes have called me, my coworkers somehow found out, even my boss. It's not that I even mind that much, I know for me that this is just a phase, a time for me to experiment with a different kind of relationship with a different kind of person.

So here's my question-- is publicly experimenting as I am ill-advised? Has anyone else ever had any experiences like this, gay or straight?

How do I tell a guy I'm dating that I'm really a lesbian?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 May 2009 09:43:54 -0800

Lesbian-dating-a-man-filter. When should I tell a guy that I'm dating that I've only ever dated girls before? And how? And does it even matter? We've been on a couple of dates, and there has been some - but not much - physical activity. We've basically held hands and kissed. We have great conversations and share a lot of interests, we always have a great time hanging out.

I want to sleep with him but I can't help feeling like there's no future in it because he's not a girl, and while I find him attractive, it's not as intense as my girl-crushes. I guess I'm kind of worried it'll come to crunch-time and I will not be able to go through with it.

And I haven't told him that I've only ever dated girls before (though I did sleep with a boy a couple of times in high school). I don't know how to do it, or when or even if it's a good idea to tell him.

He also split up with his long-term girlfriend (4 years) about four months ago, so I don't want his first "next girl" to be ... um... a dud.

If ages are relevant, I'm 26, he's 32. Any ideas?

"Mother dearest"

Anonymous — Fri, 29 May 2009 05:48:20 -0800

What is a lesbian daughter to do, when the mode and extent of her mother's display of affection becomes "too much"? My mother and I have an unconventionally close relationship, more akin to an idealized sisterhood or friendship than one of child and parent. We are greatly at ease and open with each other, not only intellectually (no subject, it seems, is beyond the reach of possible discussion) but also physically: along with the occasional peck on the cheek (she is French), we frequently exchange hugs and publicly walk arm-in-arm, happily chattering away.

My concerns begin here: though, previously, this intimacy had never appeared as anything more than "Platonic", presently, I am troubled, particularly when reflecting on the physical expressions of affection which she gives and solicits. And, when she gives me her hand when we are outside, walking alone, or hugs me particularly deeply; when she says things like, "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense"; or (more recently) becomes exasperated at my refraining from total emotional disclosure and request for distance, I feel slightly uneasy.

I think that this might have something, or all, to do with a very recent realization that I am a lesbian (an insight catalyzed through a sudden awareness of the fact I struggle to keep close friendships with other females without struggling with some degree of sexual attraction and, in some cases, falling in love with them).

Other details that might be relevant: Though they still live together, over the course of the last several years, my mother has progressively become estranged from my father (in part of the latter's depression) and, I feel, has increasingly come to rely on our relation for the affection she no longer receives as a result of her spousal alienation. She prefers to spend whatever time she has available visiting me (I am a ways away, at college) rather than with him, all the while admitting that "she should" and that "it would do him some good". She explicitly identifies as a heterosexual woman and, though I have been intimating (through tactful phrasing) at the possibility of my being a lesbian, I have not yet disclosed my orientation in fear of the awkwardness ruining our relationship, which I do cherish.

How can I approach this, delicately? I am failing to find any resources (helpful books or websites) from which I might draw from, that would shed light on the complexity of the undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers. Thank you so much, in advance, for your advice.

Dyke seeks suit.

Anonymous — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:34:30 -0800

Lesbian seeks men's (or men's-like) suit in Montréal ASAP. Other non-location-specific genderqueer shopping advice appreciated. I need a suit by the weekend and am a terrible shopper. Where can I get something that will fit nicely and not make me look like a kid playing dressup in her father's closet? Can I get something tailored that fast? What (preferably) Canadian retailers are good for androgynous but sexy women?

(Anon because I'm pretty out, but not entirely out.)

Eastern Shore destinations?

Morrigan — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:51:52 -0800

Can you recommend a nice/interesting place for a weekend away on Maryland's Eastern Shore or thereabouts? Especially interested in gay-friendly accommodations.

Should I not be a serial monogamist with the one waiting in the wings?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:05:15 -0800

Lesbian monogamy filter: I am really just a hopeless romantic no matter how hard I try not to be? Should I not move right on to the one waiting in the wings? I am a 30 year old lesbian (if that matters, but please, I'm interested in all perspectives) who just ended a 3 year long monogamous relationship. My former partner and I ended on largely good terms. We experienced "lesbian bed death" and it sort of devolved into a friendship.

Because we got together when I was relatively young, I sort of feel like i missed out on a lot of the fun of being young and single. Since always, I've pretty much gone from serious long term relationship to serious long term relationship. Being able to be single was a big part of wanting to end things for me. Also exploring relationships with men, possibly.

The thing is, I've also gotten involved with a good friend of mine. She's someone that I've known since college, and though I've always had something of a crush, I never knew it was reciprocated. Anyway, we were never single at the same time so it didn't really matter. She became single about a year ago and had been dating around, nothing too serious, and as my relationship with my ex wound to a close, we wound up becoming physically involved and this has continued on and off since the breakup, which occured about 3 months ago. FWIW, she is not a close friend of my ex.

We have both said that this is not a thing with relationship potential, just a fun physical thing to fill the gap. But because of our years of intense friendship, the sex and the relationship itself has become more and more intimate. We both say that we're dating other people and even talk women we both know as potential dates for each other, but this never seems to happen and when we do actually express real interest, we both feel jealous and sad, though controllably so.

I am becoming more and more passionate about this person, and I think she feels the same way about me. We're definitely experience pair-bonding. I keep thinking about our future together, about how maybe this was meant to be all along, about how I might be "in love" with her. The only stopping me from pursuing a relationship with her is my promise to myself NOT be a serial monogamous, to have fun, to date. Right now, though, I feel like any dating I did would just be perfunctory with the hopes of coming back to her. That being said, I do think that if I decided to let go of this thing that I could commit to it, get over her, and really start having fun, I could do it.

That being said, I am not totally aware of how she feels. Because of the way our sexual relationship started, we are both very guarded about our feelings, even though we say how much we love each other "as friends" all the time. I can't help but think that she, like me, is feeling ambivalent and also trying to protect herself from getting hurt. She is younger than me and seems just as invested in playing the field before getting into something serious. I also think that she is still getting over her last relationship.

We've both express interest, in the abstract sense, in the prospect of having an open relationship. But we also both recognize that even if we *said* we'd have an open relationship, it would probably not really be in practice.

If I "follow my heart" and we wind up together, am I going to regret it? Is it bad to lillypad like this? Should I make an effort to make single happen? How can I find out what she is thinking without making myself vulnerable?

What should I do about being involuntarily outed at work?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 07:18:34 -0800

I'm about to be involuntarily outed as a bisexual at work. What should I expect? I am a bisexual man in my late 30's. I work for a Fortune 500 company in a conservative state in the US. Although I have a college education, I was demoted last year from a highly skilled hourly position to a position as a factory worker to avoid layoff. I still make an acceptable wage for now and I have no intention of voluntarily leaving the company yet, especially in this economic climate.

After I transferred to my new position, I was assigned to work for and be trained by a man I will call "Bob". He and I work for an actual supervisor I will call "Jim". I'm pretty sure that Bob has unnaturally good gaydar, because he started to ask questions that were geared toward identifying my sexual orientation soon after we met. I never identified myself as a bisexual to him or anyone else.

At the time, unknown to me, a search on Google for my real name brought up my preferred internet handle, which was and is unique to me. A subsequent search for that handle brought up all the blog and usenet posts that I've made about my sexuality, my atheism, and a lot of other stuff that isn't anyone's business at work.

Bob started to blackmail me. He would make homophobic remarks to me,make thinly-veiled threats like, "people should be careful about what they say on the internet", and started a campaign to ruin my name as a worker with my coworkers and supervision. Last night, I heard him talking to our supervisor, Jim, about getting me fired for something that he had framed me for. I decided enough was enough.

Sexual orientation is a protected status in our company, so tomorrow I am going to file a sexual harassment case against Bob with the company. I've been told that Bob was written up a few years back for calling a lesbian at work a "stupid dyke". Hopefully, he'll be fired for this, though I have my doubts. Of course as soon as I do this, everyone I work with will find out that I'm bi.

As far as my bisexuality goes, I've been happily married to a woman for 15 years, have kids, don't flirt with guys or girls and basically live the life of a straight man (who really likes gay porn :). I decided a long time ago to stay in the closet. My wife and I are the only ones who know right now. She's totally cool with it.

So, my question (finally!): How should I deal with being forcefully outed at work when I am quite content (at this point) to stay in the closet? What can I expect from my mostly conservative coworkers?

Sorry for the long story, I just wanted to cover everything, since I can't respond to questions. TIA for your answers!

Where can I have a threesome in LA?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:51:59 -0800

How can I safely experiment sexually, like in a club or other group setting? I'm an attractive female in my twenties. I've never experimented sexually beyond regular male/female sex. I'm very interested in being with another woman, having a threesome, being watched, watching, etc.

I live in Los Angeles, so I feel like there must be a lot of opportunity around me, but I'm very cautious and don't want to end up being killed by some wacko I met on craigslist.

Are there settings, like bars or clubs, where people are partying in a more sexual manner? I once saw an episode of Nip/Tuck where Christian went to a party where people were having sex out in the open, and others would just join in. Does this exist?

If you have an experience similar, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks!

Notable Gay Women in the LGBT Rights Movement?

crossoverman — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 16:45:18 -0800

Where are the lesbians in the history of the Gay Rights Movement? After seeing Milk over the weekend, I realised that my knowledge of gay women in the Gay Rights Movement is very poor. Much of the well-known notable points in gay history are male-oriented - Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Matthew Sheppard. Even the AIDS crisis devastated the gay male community more than the gay female community.

Who is the gay female equivalent of Harvey Milk? Regarding his position in government, not his assassination.

The film itself almost entirely excludes women, except for one notable lesbian character - Anne Kronenberg. Was this really representative of that era? Or of Castro Street in particular?

Educate me on the more notable names of gay women in the history of the LGBT Rights Movement.

A Relationship Is Secret?

DU — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:30:33 -0800

Were Miss Hinchcliffe and Miss Murgatroyd perceived as lesbians? (Warning: Contains SPOILER for book that is almost 60 years old.) I have read Agatha Christie's A Murder is Announced a number of times. One thing that comes through loud and clear is that Miss Hinchcliffe and Miss Murgatroyd seem like stereotypical lesbians. "Hinch" is described in mannish terms and is dominant while Murgatroyd is described in stereotypically feminine terms (flighty, subservient, etc). They live together and when Murgatroyd is murdered Hinch is inconsolable and filled with a desire for revenge, which seems a little over-the-top even for a long-time roommate.

Google indicates a lot of people have picked up on this (not that it takes any particular perspicacity to do so), however my question is NOT whether Hinch and Murgatroyd are "really" lesbians, because what would that even mean?

My questions are:

What would the contemporary readers have perceived them as? (aMiA was published in 1950, in both the UK and US)

What would the characters in the book have perceived them as? (They mention "post-war" several times, so I guess it must be set in the latter half of the 40s. Rural England, but one of the themes is that city dwellers and even foreigners are moving in, so more cosmopolitan viewpoints are available.)

For either of the questions above where the answer is "lesbians, you idiot" then what would those readers or characters have thought of that? It's completely non-risque and unremarkable in the book. Hinch and Murgatroyd are on good terms with all classes, including the clergy. They are not shunned or gossiped about in the book, despite the fact that Miss Marple is notorious for obtaining intelligence from local gossip and so gossip itself is a big topic in the book. Is that realistic?

Could there be anything to theory that Christie herself didn't know what was going on? I.e., she'd be describing real people (either specifically or in general) without realizing what lay behind the utter devotion of two women living together?

Personally, I doubt #4. From her books, it's clear Christie was a close observer of human nature and the subtleties of relationships. In fact, in this same book she has two other women who are longtime friends and companions in the same house, but there's zero undercurrent as in the H/M case. Also, ISTR that later in the book Miss Marple is very understanding of Hinch's grief, which would only make sense if both Christie and Marple (and probably the reader) were In The Know. But my memory is foggy and may be contaminated by the movie.

(Incidentally, while thinking about this case, I realized that almost every possible non-polygamous relationship exists among the main characters in this one book, from single to married to widowed to trophy wife to lesbians to friends. It's to the point that I'm trying to find some possible gay couple to make a complete set.)

Straight chicks digging lesbian erotica?

teg4rvn — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:18:50 -0800

Do straight chicks dig lesbian erotica? My wife trolls the net for stories of girl on girl sex. No pics. No videos. Oh, and by the way, our sex life is not so good. Might she be gay? curious? or do straight girls dig lesbian sex stories?

How to get over my lesbian crush

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:40:11 -0800

I'm a married woman and I developed a maddening crush on another woman. Now I can't figure out how to get on with my otherwise really happy life and wonderful husband. Help me sort this out! I met this woman 18 years ago in college and she was never more than an acquaintance really. She tried hard to make friends with me but we never really hit it off or spent time together.

Fast forward 12 years and she and I ended up working together and starting a business. At this point in my life I found her to be funnier and more exciting than in college but really didn't spend time together outside of work.

I was already married at this point and she proceeded over the next four years to go through 3 terrible relationships with guys. The first guy cheated on her, second guy beat her up and the third guy actually was indited on child abuse charges.

After the third break up is when we started to really spend time together. TONS of really fun time together. Imagine any 80's movie montage of two people having the time of their lives together. One night I admitted to her that I had a crush on her and she accepted it very well. She didn't say she had similar feelings that night but a few weeks later told me she felt the same way I did. We didn't pursue anything physically but I always felt like we both had wanted to.

4 months later she found a great new guy and a few months after that they got engaged. Now I want to just move on and feel happy for her and get on with my husband but I can't stop obsessing about what might have been.

I am having the hardest time acting normal around her and the feelings and awkwardness only subside when she's not around but we still work together and I don't really have the ability to switch my place of business. How do I get over this while still maintaining a working relationship and should I ever talk to her about it and what might have been?

How do married same-sex couples hold title?

Graygorey — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:42:24 -0800

How do married same-sex couples hold title? Any recommendations or resources for California same-sex unions wanting to change title to their property? Today, at the counter at a California county recorder's office, a woman asked me how she could add her wife to the title of her property. While same-sex marriage was legal in California (don't get me started on prop. 8), what was the common language for married couples?

Why do straights use the word "partner"?

iliketolaughalot — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:33:48 -0800

I want to know more about the use of the word "partner," especially for straight couples... ...because we really just want to know if you're gay!

I was at a meeting of my (social work) school's gender and sexuality group, and a guy mentioned talking to a woman who mentioned her partner. Then she referred to said partner as "he," making it obvious that they were a straight couple. Usually, when someone talks about a partner, that's because that partner is the same gender. We talked about it for a minute, guessing that the woman just wanted to be sensitive after the (gay) guy talked about his partner. But I'm not satiated!

I realized I've heard this before. Do people do this for political correctness? What about the fact that the word "partner" exists because of the lack of legal recognition (save for CA and MA, fingers crossed for the prop in CA) of marriage? Isn't it a little bit awkward for straights? Is he/she your boyfriend or your husband? Sure, that's a privileged distinction, but still one that is accurate.

We queers want to know if you're on our team, and that's not helping! Can you explain?