Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with ldr

Can this LDR work out?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 11:41:51 -0800

Do I end a great relationship because of possible future conflicts? I’m in quite the dilemma. Me and my boyfriend are both in our mid-20’s and have been dating for a little over two years. I recently moved long distance to start up grad school (PhD in Chem, so 4-7 years), while he is still finishing his post-bac, pre-med work where we met. I like where I’m at, as it is a good program and I have a good support system in the area. He is willing to move and would like to come live with me, but the med program here is extremely selective and takes in almost exclusively in-state residents. There are no other medical schools close by either. Also, he is not applying until next year, so it will be over a year from now when we will know where he got into school.

So... that leaves us wondering, what’s next? We could continue doing this relationship long distance hoping that some possible solution comes out of the blue, but should we? And for how long? We are both motivated and a bit stubborn, and neither of us wants to sacrifice our career dreams. However, neither of us wants to break up either. The more I think about it, the more hopeless the situation seems.

Our relationship was really good before realizing the future was a dilemma. We have a lot of love for each other and while I’m not sure it will last forever, I don’t want to have to end it now just because there is a high probability of future conflicts. I know love can’t solve everything, but I can’t stand to end the relationship because of distance. And this question (http://ask.metafilter.com/129042/Gradschool-relationships-and-geography-can-all-three-work) brought another possible dilemma of residency to my attention. Even if we somehow make the next few years work, what about after? I’m not exactly one to follow my significant other around.

Am I prolonging the inevitable? Should I just rip the life band-aid and try to move on? Or do I take a chance on love and do whatever it takes to make it work? Should I just relax and enjoy what we have going right now? Any advice or personal experiences with long distance relationships would be appreciated. I’ll follow up with a moderator if needed.

I am madly in love and don't know what to do. Should I tell her?

Takeyourtime — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:20:29 -0800

I am madly in love and don't know what to do. Should I tell her? I(28) met K(21) about 4 months ago. I was browsing a couchsurfing website and I came across her profile. I thought she seemed like a cool person so I shot off an email. Nothing happened for about 3 weeks when all of sudden I get an email from her. My window of travel had ended so I was just looking for someone to talk to at the moment. She was very up for the idea as she and I both wanted to talk about our travels or lack thereof lol.

We continued talking for a month and quite shockingly had extremely similar interests. We both enjoyed the same type of music, we both have very similar personalities, we both wanted the same thing out of life, we both named our first cat frisky (crazy similar). About this time another window of travel came about and I asked her if it would be ok for me to visit her home town. She was very much up for the idea and would show me around the place.

I showed up 3 months ago and we immediately hit it off. Both the tour and in the romantic department. I found out we were even more similar then I initially thought. I even joked that we were the same soul just sent out at different times. Slowly but surely I was falling for her. In the span of a week we had dated, kissed, and beyond. But towards the end she told me she was not interested in a relationship. =(. She told me she wanted more time to be alone since she was still getting over her past boyfriend. Needless to say I was completely shocked. Here we have such a great connection and all I get is no sorry I don't want you.

The last day involved a bunch of kissing and touring the town. It seemed like what she said before didn't really mean anything. But that could be because I was so blinded by love that I couldn't see anything else. She only initiated a kiss once but was happy to receive. Did I mention she is insanely shy?

So I got back to town thinking well she may not want a relationship but maybe I can turn her around or maybe we can be friends or I don't know all I want to do is get to know her even more. The latter was what guided most of my thoughts. I figured if she didn't want me she would just never talk to me again (easy to do when the only the only contact you have is email and a phone). But she again surprised me! She initiated contact again. I was so happy.

We have been talking 2 times a week (deep conversations) for the last 3 months and I can feel my love for her deepening every time I spend time with her (even if it is only through text and computer). I get ecstatic whenever she texts me and find myself waiting impatiently for her to text back whenever I send a message. I could seriously talk with her forever and never ever be bored it seems.

One problem is that she doesnt seem to initiate text anymore. I feel like I am always the one initiating contact (she does on occasion though but its mostly me). This isn't like 5 texts a day though its about one or two a week. Online conversations happen whenever we both happen to be online and usually go till 230 am. Phone talking completely stopped after the first week, because she stopped returning my calls. I told her to call me more but she never does. She seems happy with IM though. I am wondering if this is a sign of disinterest or pushing me away. But then again our online conversations go great. Another thing is that she she won't respond to my texts sometimes, like at all. She has told me she is pretty flakey.

Another problem is I told her I think about her all the time and really want to know her more. This feels to me what stopped the phone conversations. And as such I have felt to play things really sloowwwwllly for fear of scaring her away (my greatest fear).

So now I am at the point where she is seriously in my head every waking day. I think about her all the time (at least once a day). I picture our time together. I remember the funny quarks she has. I feel completely in bliss when I know she smiles or laughs. I would give her anything this world has to offer. I even (gasp) see being in the future together (how is yet to be determined). In other words I completely in love. And this love is something I have never in my life experienced. I have dated around but no one has ever made me feel "whole" like she does. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life infact. She lets me be everything I am and still be ok and I provide the same for her (at least I hope so!).

But again I am afraid. Afraid that if I tell her I love her and what I state above she will think me a nut and stop all contact together (remember, in my mind telling her I think about her stopped her calling me).

I really don't want to lose her but at the same time I feel like I am forcing myself to contain this super wave of love which she is probably not ready for (and quite frankly I am not sure I am ready for that either).

I took me 3 years to admit to my first girlfriend that I loved her. K has done this in a month and a half. Yes I know we moved wayy to fast but what can I say? the heart wants what the heart wants.

So what do I do? We will hopefully be meeting again in the future (I have yet to ask yet as I am scared of what the answer will be but she has hinted that she would like to see me again). Do I play it cool and causal like I have been for 3 months? Do I say I love her and put all my cards on the table? How can I fight this urge to tell her there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her? Should I just get over her? arrggh I am so confused.

Thoughtful wedding gift ideas

alice ayres — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 07:09:16 -0800

What would make a good, thoughtful gift for this newlywed couple? My boyfriend's childhood friend decided to ditch the plans for a planned desitination wedding in favor of quickly getting married this past weekend in a very small ceremony (<30 people).

Because of the quick timing (think: hey, what are you doing tomorrow morning?), we were not able to get a gift. After having met the couple for the first time, we would like to get them something thoughtful. I know money could and would help out, but would prefer that be a last resort or an add-on.

About the couple:
Late 20's
He's an aspiring football coach.
She's in the first year of her residency. I think she will be an OB/GYN.
They were in a quasi long-distance relationship, and it will continue to be a long-distance marriage for at least the next 4 years. They will be in the same state (NY), but one will be in NYC, and the other in upstate NY.

I am open to any suggestions because I don't have much to go on either.

I miss recess

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 14:29:08 -0800

I'm fresh out of college, I have a job I love, and everything's going great. But it would be awesome if I could have more time off, because of a few reasons, and I can afford it... but does anyone do that? I'm making 'A' a month and spending almost a thousand bucks less than that paycheck. As odd as it is, at this point I could afford to support myself for a few months, maybe a year even, with savings, since I rarely spend and always work.

Everything's great, except I'm in a long-distance relationship (about 100 mile distance, with bus/car/train transportation in between) with an amazing girl who is leaving the country for three months, and then going to be in school for a year. So, going down for weekends is great, and I will do that as much as humanly possible, but I'd like weeks. I get 15 days of vacation time (how does that compare to other jobs in the web-field?), which I'm going to split between a few days before and a week or two during her trip to the other side of the world, in which I'm going to fly there too.

So, my situation is: I'd like to just say, could I take, say, another 10 days off of work, unpaid? I know this is a personal thing, but I'm wondering if it's so nonstandard and possibly annoying for the company that I shouldn't even bring it up? Has anyone does this and how does it work out?

More time would be so great, if I could take off fall/spring break or something, that would be so incredibly golden, and seriously, I could do it financially.

I guess this is related to the question 'why don't people work less when they earn more?,' which I also wonder about...

How long to bounce back?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:34:19 -0800

Meltdownfilter: after some traumas I finally fell apart and I'm scared about what, and how long it will take to recover. I had a series of difficult life events happen over the last year including bereavement, stressful new job, and major (unexpected) surgery during my second year in a big new city with no support network. I've also been in an LDR but I got to the end of my tether and said I couldn't do the LDR thing anymore so SO got a job in my new city and is moving here in a month. He's really excited, but I worry how he'll cope with the city. We plan to get a place together at the end of my lease in November. I've also been studying part-time for a demanding subject, and trying to keep my grades up alongside full time work (I was 3/4 time before) is much harder than I'd anticipated.

I noticed myself becoming more withdrawn over the past six months but brushed it off as just needing lots of study time. However, things came to a head recently and I was signed off work for a while after falling apart in my boss's office. I've now been disgnosed with mild depression by my GP and I'm scared. So much needs to change, and I'm not sure how to get strong enough to do this. The doctor is very kind and understanding, she offered me anti-depressants but I'm not sure I want medication, I'm afraid of getting into a cycle of dependancy. I'm also worried for my SO - he's been very supportive, but he does have a fear of depression (a family member suffered very bad depression when he was younger and it has very negative connotations for him). I don't want to have to tell work about this either as they're experiencing a really tough time right now and need staff to be fully with it. Even though (up til now) I've been appreciated by my boss I know the job is a bad fit for me, but I don't feel strong enough to start a new one right now. I do have around 6-8 months of living expenses saved but the whole reason I took this job was to be able to get some funds together and I don't want to blow it all. If my SO wasn't coming here I would just quit my job and return to our former small city to live cheaply for three months whilst I sort myself out. But that's not really an option right now. I feel panicky and trapped and also that I've totally let both my boss and my SO down when they really need me. I'm scared to tell my friends/family what's going on. I don't really know why.

I have an appointment with a therapist this week, but I'm feeling slightly panicked about what to say. I'm really, really confused. Does anyone have any perspective? Thanks.

A question about d/s in a long distance relationship.

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:46:12 -0800

Long-time pervert, first-time top, in love with a wonderful submissive girl who lives halfway across the country. We're looking for ways to satisfy our particular combination of kinks when we can't be together in person. NSFW details inside. Yeah, I know, phone sex and video chat. We're up to speed there. But there's a particular combination of tastes that we can't figure out how to satisfy. See...

...what I enjoy about topping is getting a reaction that shows me what she's feeling. It's not the spanking I like, it's the yelp. So my first impulse, when it comes to phone or video sex, is to be all "talk to me, tell me how it feels, tell me what you're thinking, call me Sir, blah blah blah." But...

...the more submissive she's feeling, and the more she's turned on, the less verbal she gets. In person, that's fine, because I can still get the feedback I enjoy from her body language. Over the phone, it makes things pretty one-sided, and even by video I find her body language harder to read somehow. So, okay, that leaves me to talk dirty to her, or to give her orders. But...

...the other catch is, she's not at all into humiliation. All the dominant-sounding dirty talk I can think of is humiliating one way or another: bitch this and slut that and filthy whore and, you know, we really just don't want to go there.

So far, my repertoire as a phone sex top is pretty much limited to "good girl" — and she says she likes that a lot, and it really seems to capture the dynamic we're both looking for, but it sure does get repetitive.

So we've been talking about this. I'd like to have more I can say to her to put her in a submissive state of mind, but I'm not sure what. She says she'd like to have things she can do to show her submission that don't require her to talk, but she's not sure what.

Suggestions?

FWIW, here are some things we really like when we get to play in person: spanking and other kinds of impact play, bondage, obedience-type d/s — including a certain amount of the whole be-a-brat-and-get-punished thing. Things we really don't like at all: humiliation, "roleplaying" (I'm not Lord Zarquon of Gor, I'm not a Nazi pirate captain moonlighting as a boarding school headmaster, I'm her boyfriend), chastity/orgasm denial (why would I want her to get off less?), the usual scat-blood-and-animals trifecta.

Desire in a LDR

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:50:24 -0800

How do I not get mopey with no loving? My boyfriend and I have been together for 6-7 months. We're doing a ldr for a year starting this month. We do talk and I've seen all the threads on stuff to do while in a ldr. I've never been in an ldr in which my partner is across the country from me. Before I did ldr's where I got to see them on the weekends.

But I didn't see anything about... suppressing one's desire for sex with the SO for the time being... I'm worried that I'm getting mopey/depressed without any time of sensual/sexual stimulation from him. Even with masturbation, it's not really him. He doesn't seem to be into phone sex, or dirty emails or texts. So how do I squelch this urge? It's most bothersome at night, right before bed. I got so used to sleeping next to him, it's now a let down goind to bed without him. Is this normal for the first few weeks?

I do plan on seeing him around May/June, but I didn't know exactly what to do until then. I don't want to sit and mope every night without him, but some days that's all I want to do. I love him dearly and I want this to work. We can't shorten the time because I need a year to get done the things I want to do.

How do I not want sex for a year? And so it's clear, I'm not worried about cheating, I want to be intimate with my SO, not some random guy.

My precious girlfriend is too exquisite for words.

johannahdeschanel — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 08:51:11 -0800

If actions are doubtlessly mightier than words, would this person be considered trustworthy? I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship for about a year while her boyfriend is working abroad and waiting for her to go to school where he is. Boyfriend has come home to visit her many times, and visa versa. They are definitley an exclusive couple but they appear to be cut from different cloths. She grew up around all sorts of social butterflies who understand certain types of obligation in relationships, while his behavior in relationships is not always conventional. Recently, she found his address book on his computer. Entries consisted of mostly women, and notes about them containing details of how 'amazing' or 'exquisite' they are. When she saw her name, there were no descriptions or words describing her beauty. He is a decent and somewhat nerdy person who treats her like gold, and he has regularly told her how beautiful, smart, amazing, exquisite, funny, talented, etc. she is in real life (same list of adjectives)...in addition to going out of his way to do nice/cute things for her and spending lots of money on her. But if he really has such strong feelings for her&only her, why wouldn't he write it down, the way he wrote about the other 'friends'? If he thought she was so mysterious and intriguing and dear to his heart, why wouldn't he think of her when he was writing about other people? Is this normal behavior for couples to not acknowledge each other in addressbooks? Since they are already so familiar with each other do they not need to 'remember' each others' qualities in notes (the way one would need to remember friends from foreign countries)? She believes he would never physically cheat on her, but is this 'emotional cheating'? As long as they both know in their minds that they are the Only Ones for each other, should she let actions always speak louder than words and forget about it or should she talk about it with him? What is a reasonable response to this?

How do I balance my career and my relationship?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:53:54 -0800

My romantic partner and I are looking at a potential separation about half a year from now, when I may need to move away for professional school. Help us (me, really) cope! tl;dr version: tips and suggestions for a couple, potentially headed for a potential long distance relationship thanks to career pressures? We are in the lower 48 states of the USA, and in our late 20s. I think the world of my partner, who is really the perfect fit for me in many ways. Fortunately, these feelings are reciprocated (yay!), and we’ll have been dating exclusively for about a year and a half come the potential separation. We are “serious,” and in this for the long haul. Half a year from now, I hope to be holding acceptances from half a dozen programs for professional school. Training is three or more years in length, and this field is strictly hierarchical: higher ranking means unequivocally better career prospects.
Right now, we’re both in $metropolis, and while there are a few local schools, I’ll be accepted at only a fraction. Based on results thus far, I expect to choose between staying and attending middling programs, or potentially moving far away for one of the top programs.

My partner has been incredibly supportive, and tells me to do what’s best for my career. Furthermore, he/she volunteered to move to be with me, after tidying things up here. It would be about a two year lag, to tend to relatives’ health conditions, and save up some money. Despite this, I’m very loathe to put geographical distance between us, even temporarily. Even aside from suddenly getting into a long distance relationship, I worry about my partner relocating to be with me: he/she has a support network of friends and family here in $metropolis, and I worry about my partner’s well-being should that network suddenly disappear. Joining this profession, and attending one of the top programs to do so, has been a dream since childhood. While I realize that only I with my partner, can answer the question of which is more important to me and how to balance the two, does the Hive Mind have any general suggestions for what factors and strategies I should be considering?

The options that I see are:
a) Stay in $metropolis, attend a middling program and continue to see my partner regularly
b) Attend a regional program, potentially much better ranked, which is close enough to $metropolis to be drivable on a fairly frequent basis, and have a semi-long distance relationship, with or without expecting my partner to move
c) Attend a top program far away, getting into a real LDR where I’d only see my partner a few times a year, until they eventually move to be with me

How should we decide which of (a), (b), and (c) are best for us? Is there (d) or (e)? Have any of you been working on teleportation equipment?
I want to be fair to my partner, who has invested a great deal in this relationship, while also making the most of this opportunity to enter a new career, and potentially with a bang at that. If you would suggest that we go long distance after a relationship where we’ve been seeing each other in person very frequently, how do we adjust?

Throwaway email: MeFiLDRquestion@gmail.com

MixCD for an LDR

PhoBWanKenobi — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:37:38 -0800

What songs should I put on a long distance relationship themed mixed cd? I know, I know. Asking what to put on a mix is like asking what to write in a love letter. But I've been wanting to put together a long-distance relationship themed CD for my SO for a while, and (after searching and searching through my mp3 collection) have only come up with five tracks. They are:

The Beatles - Got to Get You Into My Life
The Hollies - Pay You Back With Interest
The Marvelettes - Please Mr. Postman
Built to Spill - The Weather
The Mountain Goats - Sax Rohmer #1

I've eliminated some options because I've used them on mixes before (Rilo Kiley's My Slumbering Heart, Songs: Ohia's Lioness, various other Beatles songs). It's been a few years and I guess I'm terribly rusty at this. The relationship is established and steady (6 years), which eliminates many "you live far away but we've just met and I think you're cute" songs. As you can see, my tastes run toward 60s rock and indie rock. The internet isn't offering up anything but that "Delilah" song by Plain White T's. So, mefites, any other (better) suggestions?

Big-city livin'

showbiz_liz — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 10:03:31 -0800

My boyfriend is moving to Chicago from NC. I want to put together a kickass care package for him. We both go to school in Chapel Hill, and have lived in North Carolina our whole lives. He's moving to Chicago at the end of July to pursue improv, and I plan to move up there as well when I finish school in a year and a half.

I want to put together an awesome gift box for him, which would ideally include things that:

Would be useful in a big city (we've both only lived in semi-small cities)
Would be useful in a northern winter (it rarely gets below 40 degrees here)
Would be generally useful for starting 'real life' after college
Would remind him of NC
Would remind him of me (obviously this is more personal)

Some ideas so far:

Really nice gloves/scarf
T-shirts from our favorite places around Chapel Hill
Framed photo of us (obv)
Possibly two sets of the first season of a TV show we haven't seen, so that we can watch it 'together'- this is probably too expensive though
In the same vein, two copies of Guide to Getting It On
Nice pillows for his bed
Gift card for some neat Chicago/Midwest-only chain store

So, that's a start, but I could use more ideas, especially in the big-city and northern-winter areas.

I was thinking of spending $75-$125 on this. Gotta save up for plane tickets to visit him...

Additional stuff about him- he'll be living with two female friends (so he won't need dishes or throw pillows or things like that), and he's very into video games, comic books, and of course improv. And he'll be living in Wrigleyville.

How do I act right and show him he was wrong?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 09:36:31 -0800

How do I maintain my dignity and my sanity while my ex-lover is in town (and living with me)? Earlier this year, I met a a boy at a house party. He is 20 (I'm 24) and the chemistry was instant. He left town the next day, but a couple weeks later he was back and we ended up hooking up.

The house we met in is important to this story: Its a large old house with a bunch of young twenty something boys and girls living there. It's known as a place where bands play and there's usually a couch people can crash on for the night. The boy I met lives there for a week once every two weeks. (He works out of state for two weeks at a time and then commutes back here since all of hi family and friends are here).

Independent of my growing relationship with this boy, I ended up really hitting it off with all the people who lived in the house and moved in about two months ago after my old lease was up. Everything was peachy and good....

...Until the last time he was in town. Long story short, things were about to get more intense physically between us so I knew I needed to talk with him and see where we stood in terms of commitment. Five hours of discussion later, he told me that he just didn't want a long distance relationship but he didn't want to see anybody out of state either. I was so heartbroken I spent the rest of the week sleeping at my sister's house because I couldnt bear to see him.

I was pretty devastated, but I found out later from a mutual friend that he said I was "perfect" for him (in terms of looks and compatibility) but that he just really hated long distance relationships. The mutual friend said he also ignored the blatant advances of more than one female who had heard that he was no longer seeing me.

Anyway, I'm trying not to hold out any hope for us because I know its not healthy. He's coming back into town for a week in a few days and I'm worried about my ability to handle it all gracefully since he'll be around so much. Leaving again for a week isn't an option.

1) How do i maintain myself around him? The thought of it all still brings me to tears sometimes and I doubt my ability to act like I don't care. How do you force yourself to act gracefully?

2)Is it really possible that he could mean what he said about thinking I'm awesome/perfect/whatever and still not want to be committed to me just because of distance? I'm inclined to think he made those comments to our gossipy yet reliable mutual friend, knowing they would filter back to me and soften the blow. If he really meant that, wouldn't he want me at almost any cost?

3) I'm interested in any anecdotes anyone has where you were the one who dumped someone and yet subsequent things your ex did convinced you you had made a very wrong decision.

Thank you for your responses!

Space sucks.

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 23:23:48 -0800

Relationshipfilter: My 5month girlfriend suddenly realized she needs space to grow on her own, outside of a serious relationship. How the hell do I do it? [Trying to cut out the unnecessary details but its tough]

We've been dating for 5 months but are 2 hours apart. She's 23, I'm 24. We had a great relationship but the only problem was she's always been hesitant to get into anything serious because she's never been outside of a relationship in almost 8 years. She was 4 months out of a 6 year relationship (spanning from highschool all the way through college) when we met. Neither of us knows where we will be a year from now (me with my job and her with grad school). We hit it off perfectly and started spending more and more time together and eventually dropped the 'ILY' bomb on each other after 5 months. I was incredibly happy, things were going well. We saw each other at least 2 days every week and had tons more fun with each other than anyone else in our lives. Everything was going great...

Saturday she had a crisis on conscience and realized she had ended up right back where she started-- in a committed relationship. She had wanted to take time off from relationships so she could pursue her own goals, and grow as her own person. She wasn't expecting to fall in love with someone so soon, and she suddenly finds herself wanting to change her life to be with me. She knows her personal growth has to be the most important thing to her right now, and she can't grow as a person if her happiness is entirely dependent on someone else.

This summer she is going out of the country on her own for 3 months, and i know that when she gets back we may destined to move to opposite sides of the country. I am going to be promoted to manage a branch office somewhere in the South East, She is going to grad school somewhere in the South East. I would never ask her to give up those plans for me. But after the summer, theres still a good chance that we'll remain only 2 hours away from each other for the 2007/2008 school year. 2 hours doesnt bother me at all, and I think after being together for 1.5 years we'd have a much better perspective on the future of our relationship. Why throw something great away simply because you dont know what the future will bring? Part of her reasoning for trying to stay 'unattached' is that it will hurt worse if we spend the next 5 months getting even closer and have to break up because our futures are taking us to different places.

So Saturday she ended the 'serious' part of the relationship. She still wants to talk often and see each other when possible (without necessarily making the sacrifices that twice-weekly contact required). She accidentally says 'i love you' to me still but is trying to stop doing that. I completely appreciate where she's coming from but i don't want to see such a great thing end simply due to bad timing.

How do I give her space? I am bad at staying in control in relationships. I can easily see letting her have her cake and eat it too (always being the one to drive to see her, always being the one to call first etc)-- but i'd grow to resent it and she'd subconsciously lose respect for me.

The rational part of me says "just explain to her that since she needs space, yall need to cease contact for a time so you can see what life is like without the other person in it. This way yall can either get back together after the space, or you can move on". I want her back because she's just such a great part of my life.

The emotional part of me says "take the relationship she can give you because its all you'll get", "you'll lose her if you make it seem like you just want to move on", and "dont risk it!". I miss her terribly when we dont talk, and I tried the space thing earlier this week but caved in after 12 hours (pathetic).

Has anyone been in this situation before and/or have advice on what works?

One kicker-- in early january (no set date) we have already planned to meet up and exchange gifts. It was my idea and backing out of it isn't an option.

Am I being fair?

coreb — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 00:03:13 -0800

Is this long distance relationship fair to her? ** Sorry for all of the backstory, but I feel it's necessary to understand the situation. **

I've been dating this great girl for the past 6 months. We are both 22, and started dating back in early April during college. Come mid May, I graduated from the college that she and I go to. We both knew this when we got into the relationship, but I don't think that both of us fully understood what that meant.

I was on an out of state internship, then started graduate school 200 miles away. So for the past 5 months, we've been in a long distance relationship.

Over the summer, she had some trouble with her "girly parts" and was prescribed birth control pills. It's caused her a slight weight gain (causing her to feel self conscience), and made her more emotional than normal.

The friends she hangs around with all have boyfriends, and are always around them. She pretends like it doesn't affect her, but it does. She lets it show through during some of her more emotional times.

This is the first serious relationship she's been in. I don't think she realized how hard this would be on her/us. I love her dearly, and I want her to be happy. I can accept it if that means she doesn't need to be with me. I do ask her if she's still happy, and she says yes, but I don't think she has the confidence to say otherwise, if it were the case.

I've read alot of the other similar posts on LDRs on AskMeFi, but I felt this unique enough to ask a seperate question. We do not, currently have a "way-out" or date upon which the long distance will end, and I no that's the big "no-no" of LDRs.

Am I being unfair by keeping her in this relationship? I'm not forcing her to stay with me, but she doesn't know anything else. This is college, and I'm worried about holding her back from other experiences with a 200 mile leash on her.

I've seen how quickly the "dump her" option is given as the solution in a thread like this, so please provide a little more explantion on why, if that is your answer. (I apologize if that's an outlandish request to you.)

My life is in shambles and I feel lost and helpless.

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 06:19:54 -0800

Recently I broke up with my girl of 10 years....my best friend. I'm entierly shattered and heartbroken. I wanted her to be the mother of my children when the time came, and now she's gone. Is there anyway to make this work? Warning: LONG post inside **Note: This post turned out WAY longer than I had thought it would be….but since I’m posting anonymously I thought I would present as much info up front as possible. I'll break it up into two sections for those who like to skim. I thank you for your time and comments.

I very recently ended a long distance relationship (LDR) with the girl I basically grew up with. I fell in love with her in the 11th grade, and have loved her since, and will continue to do so forever.

## HISTORY ##
The long distance part began when we separated to go to college, but I made the 150mi trip every weekend just for her, so it was never really that bad. The only real problem we ever had was that her parents were un-accepting of me. Her father was of the mind that she needs to "date" a handful of guys before she decides what she wants. Needless to say we kept our relationship alive in secret from her family. This of course presented its own challenges to our relationship. Little things like a night at the movies, dinner, etc. became VERY difficult. We were constantly running into her family friends at the most random places, and then there was a constant worry of that person mentioning to her parents that they had seen her at so-and-so place with so-and-so (not to be mean, just in passing conversation).

College ended and I moved back home. We were together for the summer, and then she had to leave to attend a masters program, followed by Medical School, across the country. We still stuck it out though. I tired to visit as often as I could...again, behind her parents back.

Things were Ok...we always discussed eventually being married and having a life together. And that was what we both wanted, and always, the shadow of her parent’s disapproval hung over us. Culturally having her parent’s approval is VERY, VERY important. For her, even more so, because she is the type of person who lives to make everyone around her happy (no matter how often I try and tell her that you can't always make everyone happy). I got to a point where I didn't care anymore. Her mother sort of knew what was up, and would outright ignore me in social situations where we would both be. The father would speak to me, but he really didn't know what was going on.

All the while she was in school meeting new people and doing her thing. I never "restricted" her activities and was always supportive of her school. She started studying with someone that made me slightly uncomfortable. Every time it would come up I would get a funny feeling and I tried explaining to her that this guy is only studying with her to get into her pants. She would tell me things like, "he isn't like that", "you don't know him", etc. Till one day she calls me almost in tears, telling me how he tried to kiss her and she felt guilty about it. I was livid and felt betrayed by her. This is where shit got bad, I think.

A year or so later we were really having problems with the LDR. Phone conversations were very superficial, and the time-zone difference wasn't helping things much. She started stressing about school and us, and soon it took its toll on us. She called one day saying she "needs a break" and "time to figure things out". I was angry and hurt and basically walked away...no phone contact, no email, nothing. It killed me to do it, but she hurt me, and maybe that was my way of hurting her back?

6 months or so went by, and I saw her at a mutual friends graduation. We started talking and soon we were back together again. It was like we hadn't even skipped a beat. Another 4 or 5 months went by with her back across the country and a few days before he xmas break I made a terrible discovery. It was long ago, so I'm not entirely sure what prompted me to do it, but I read her email and saw a disturbing message from that other guy....when I confronted her about it she told me that she had planned on telling me everything when she was going to be home for 3 weeks over xmas break. And that for the 6 months we weren't talking, she had a relationship with this guy (the original "study buddy" i had issues with) ... this is where my heart was ripped from my chest. She was the first and only person I had been with, we lost our virginities to each other, and it really bothered me that she would sleep with this other guy, and get back together with me, let me sleep with her, and then tell me about it (or let me find out about it) later.

So another break-up ensued for a few weeks till we started talking again...a few months went by and I started to realize my trust in her was shot. Then I broke it off again thinking that without trust there cannot be a relationship (which I'm probably right about). Until of course we got back together again.

## CURRENT ##
Fast-forward to the beginning of this year. Her sibling was going to marry, and we decided to confront her parents after the wedding. And my plan was if all went well with that I would propose late this year, move to be with her, and we would marry 3 years later (when her school was done).

Around April I started getting that uncomfortable feeling again...checked her email, and saw a letter to her friends with a picture of her and some guy, and a blurb about "here is the picture I promised" and one friends reply struck me VERY hard. "i hope he deserves you" .... I kind of bring up the fact that I think something is going on with this new guy, and she reassures me that nothing is happening. A day or so later I decide to re-read the email just to see if I can put it into another context. Her password is changed. Red flags shoot up and another discussion ensues. I tell her I checked her email before and that she must be hiding something if she has changed her password now. She claims it was preemptive because she knew I would take it out of context, and that her friends comment was just a joke, and the guy is just a friend who is "cute" and her friends wanted to see a picture.

Believe me, I see the manipulative nature of doing something she knows I won't approve of, and hiding it from me.

She was currently in some tests so I backed off to give her time to study, but this was eating away at me daily. Until we finally had the time to talk about things face-to-face.

Long story even longer, I broke up with her again...for what I think is the last time, because my mind can fabricate stories that my imagination runs with because I lost trust in her when she kept from me the fact that she had slept with that other guy.

Now I am miserable....I grew up with this girl...10 years together...she has had a tremendous influence in the person I've become. I finally (at age 26) had seen a future with her, a house, kids, family...now that is all gone, and it's killing me. I used to wake up every morning with a phone call from her, now I can't get out of bed till I know I'm going to be late for work.

Life sucks...it's just a lame 9-5, I make about 55K a year which I guess is decent. But with cc debt and student loans (about 30K in total) it doesn't get me very far. I'm living at home and I hate being there, but I can't afford to move out....and will do so as soon as I can afford it.

Writing this all out is semi-therapeutic in a way, so sorry for the length...it's been about a week without her and I still think about her daily, constantly. I miss my best friend.

I've been trying to come up with solutions to my problem, but would like to hear what others have to say. In your experiences; Is this a lost cause? Should I continue to pursue it at all costs?

The solution I've come up with for the time being is to really sit and talk to her again. Make sure she understands I love her, and care for her, and I want to be with her, but that the LDR isn't working for me, or for her. What I'm thinking of proposing to her is to put our relationship on hiatus for a few years, and then when she returns, assuming neither of us has found someone serious, we can pick-up where we left off....Anyone accomplish something like this in their lives? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment three years down the line?

thanks for reading through this mess of emotions, and I look forward to any insights the MeFi community can provide.