Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with kissing

Springsteen doesn't have any songs for problems like mine

Spock Puppet — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:16:19 -0800

I've been told by several people that I kiss "like a high schooler," and that this is a bad thing. I'm a straight male in my mid-20s and relatively a n00b, sexually. What are ways for me to become more mature in my physical intimacy? I feel like I "missed out" on the learning phase of high school relationships as well as participating in the sea of debauchery that college was supposed to been. I don't want it to become a fixation, or to get resentful, but am afraid that's what's happening. It seems to be very much a turn-off to girls, and is confounding my efforts to further explore my sexuality.

So, I guess I'm asking what things you mefites find have changed about your smoochin' and cuddlin' and medium-petting styles from your teen years to now.

Also, a corollary: Are there any common, "any moron should know this" signals that someone is not enjoying the way an encounter is going? I understand the rules of consent and asking if things are OK and that "no" means "no," but I'm talking more about the subtle signals for something like "change the way you're holding me," "use less/more pressure," etc.

lolz kizzsing onlinez?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 07:10:45 -0800

Is it wise to kiss at the end of the first internet date? Long discussion of my dating history redacted.

Basically I've thought about the first internet date as just getting to know someone in real life, and seeing if the interesting things about them online transfer into the possibility for romance. I think keeping things relatively cool gives the other person a chance to get to know me and vice versa. If things were truly sparking the entire evening I would definitely contemplate a kiss, but if the person seemed interested but cautious, I've always thought that it would be better to give a hug and say I had a nice time and then get in touch the next day.

But reading another question here, I'm re-evaluating. Maybe am I missing a chance to generate some excitement?

Let's say, for the purposes of the question, that I'm a reasonable to slightly above average kisser.

The reason I've developed this no kissing protocol was a date I went on a couple of years ago with a woman I really liked. She drove me home and we kissed in the car a bit. Later on she emailed me to say she didn't want to hang out again because she was uncomfortable with the fact that she'd kissed someone she'd only met a few hours before. I definitely handle non-internet first dates differently, but I sort of saw her point.

Am I really a good kisser?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 21:20:49 -0800

Almost every woman I've kissed has told me that I'm a “good kisser.” I've spoken to a couple of male friends about this and they've been told similar by the women they've been involved with, which makes me suspicious. How seriously should I take it when she tells me I'm a good kisser? Is this just something that people say to people they’re interested in regardless of accuracy?

I'm not supposed to kiss through Saran wrap, am I?

Anonymous — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:33:55 -0800

I'm about to enter the college dating scene - or sex scene, I guess. I know to always use condoms - but what about kissing? I know diseases can spread orally, but I never hear about anyone worrying about kissing. Is there something that I somehow have never realized? Lets just assume that I will be having at least one one night stand, or same-person-every-now-and-then in my life: do I kiss the other person? What do people generally do anyway - avoid deep kissing, and just do light pecking kisses?

In the past, I've only kissed and had sex with boyfriends. I am totally at a loss when it comes to the kissing protocol of casual dating.

FWIW, I'm a straight girl - though if the opportunity presented itself and was awesome enough, I wouldn't mind kissing another girl.

Throwaway email: tempmefimail@fastmail.fm

Killed with a kiss??

I, Slobot — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 18:32:32 -0800

My girlfriend claims to love peanuts and peanut butter more than anyone else on the planet. This poses a problem because I am allergic to peanuts. Anyway we can coexist without me dying or her giving up what she loves so dearly? We've both read the accounts of people who allegedly died after kissing their significant other who had eaten peanut products (sometimes as much as 24 hours prior to the kiss, and they had brushed their teeth!) They seem to offer scant evidence and feel a little hyped up, honestly. Right now we live in different states and see each other once or twice a month, so with a 48 hour ban on peanuts prior to seeing each other, we got it covered, but there's a chance she will be moving here within the next year. Does anyone have any personal experiences they can share from a similar situation? Does anyone know of anything she could do to avoid having to give up peanuts entirely without putting me at risk? Thanks!

Sulfa danger?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 09:15:38 -0800

I'm allergic to sulfa drugs (specifically known to be allergic to Septra). My boyfriend's taking Bactrim, a sulfa drug. Could I have an allergic reaction from kissing him or coming into contact with his sweat? Could sleeping next to him be dangerous?

It's pretty much never a nice day for a white wedding...why?

sondrialiac — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 02:01:35 -0800

Weddings freak me out, why? Other people's weddings make me feel icky. Deeply uncomfortable. Think 2 girls 1 cup. Or a really effective horror movie.

I have, in fact, been married myself (quite successfully so far) and it didn't bother me in the least. I did avoid 99% of wedding traditions.

I have only attended one wedding, but I needed to get good and drunk beforehand. (I was getting shaky, sweating, thought I was going to puke, basically going nuts).

Married people don't bother me. The mention of marriage itself, as an institution, doesn't bother me. But just the mention of a wedding sets me off. Writing this question is uncomfortable.

I also hate it when people kiss. Watching people kiss is, to me, like watching people get their fingers hacked off. I am cool with kissing others whom I know well, although it's not my favorite activity.

Any guesses about why I have these reactions? Think they're related? Any suggestions for a cure?

Swapping spit with strangers- is it fun?

bluekrauss — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 06:13:30 -0800

Something I've wondered about for many years: how do actors get through love scenes? How do they get so up close and personal with strangers? How can they even stand seriously making out with a stranger, especially if they're with someone else in real life? Don't the significant others get jealous? I understand that shooting a love scene is anything but a romantic experience, that it's all very dry and technical, but how on earth do you get through a scene in which a stranger's tongue is in your mouth while you're lying there practically naked in eachother's arms? It sounds like the most uncomfortable situation imaginable! Any actors out there who've gone through this and can share their experiences?

Smooch mechanics

prefpara — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:48:04 -0800

How do you kiss? I would be surprised to learn that any real study of this has ever been performed, so I resort to polling the MeFi population.

When two people kiss, generally, one person kisses the other one's bottom lip and the second person is kissing the first person's top lip. Sort of. If that doesn't make sense, here is a... diagram:

p1.top.lip
(p2.top.lip)
(p1.bottom.lip)
p2.bottom.lip

So, in my limited experience, the guy kisses the girl's bottom lip and the girl kisses the guy's top lip.

Heterosexual MeFites: does this comport with your experience?
Other MeFites: do you observe any relationship between who kisses which lip and who is more "butch"?
Or am I weird, and everyone else just switches a lot?

I apologize if this makes no sense.

Why isn't this working?

LoneWolfMcQuade — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 06:27:06 -0800

I've tied myself into a knot trying to date someone and need to undo it. A woman and I have been getting together, having dinners and such regularly for about two weeks. I really thought we had a lot of things going for each other. I'm rather shy and slow to initiate physical contact. Now, I can't tell if I just missed the boat (in which case maybe I should try to catch it at the next stop?), or if this just isn't supposed to happen.

Further information that would help in considering this situation: we have a lot of common interests and laugh a lot when we get together. Overall, she's been enthusiastic about hanging out. I look for flirtatious signs when I see her but don't see a lot. I probably fucked up on the first date by saying goodbye and turning around without so much as a hug. Now, I sometimes feel a tension in our conversations - she is a sparkplug type (which I like), and I fear my own directionlessness with this whole thing has even frustrated her a tad. I know that one answer is to just up and kiss her, but somehow I feel conflicted, as if she perhaps wouldn't appreciate it, and that to do so would be ignoring counter-signs worth listening to (periodic awkward pauses, odd disagreements over rather random mundane issues of politics and taste, sort of a staunch refusal on her part to send physical signals or even be up for something like a drink to loosen things up). So, maybe I can hit bottom at this by saying: I know the advice, at some level, is to get in touch with the gut and follow it. But how to step back and get in touch with the gut in a situation where I feel like I've tied it and a bunch of bullshit together into one big, gnarly knot?

Final tidbits before handing this over to the hive:
--She's from out of town and doesn't seem to be immediately loving the new environs...things are in general a little topsy-turvy for her
--I can be pretty cerebral but in general have a fairly healthy social life + other interests (music, biking, etc)
--Our conversations have been very wide-ranging but haven't stepped much at all into what our personal lives are like/have been like (though I am at least nearly 100% certain she is unattached)
--This has happened to me before, more than once. In the past, I've let this kind of thing go on for months until it drives me up the wall and I bring it up in a way that is way too little, too late, and very unproductive.
--I think overall I don't have 'attractiveness' issues and really want to get past this trend I perceive where my most successful relations with women rely on the woman for an uncommon proportion of the relationship-initiation work.

Help me keep my hands off him!

shiny blue object — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:47:46 -0800

We had our first date last week and the chemistry was incredible (as was the kissing). However, I want to find out if there's more than just the physical here. Our second date is Thursday evening - how do I keep myself under control? Physically, I'm ready to pull him into an alley and rip his clothes off. Mentally, I want to hold back - I get the impression he wants to take things slowly, but I'm not good at that! I'm a 39-year-old woman, just getting back into dating after a long post-divorce hibernation, who is thoroughly smitten with this guy. Short of not seeing him at all, how do I keep my hands off him? I need strategies! Tricks! Distractions! HELP!!!

A kiss is just a kiss

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:05:14 -0800

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? I'm ~3 months into a relationship with a girl I'm smitten over. Unfortunately, it's the most G-rated, nonphysical relationship I've ever been in. The same for her, probably, as she's had lots of sex before me. Our relationship has evolved very little since the first date. I'm worried I'm more the problem than she is.

Both of us have executed few acts of entering the other's personal space. Very little hand-holding: her hands are always somewhere that I can't reach them without a little force, like the purse strap. Kissing happens only at the end of dates, and they're split-second short. (The exception is last Sunday, when I couldn't take it anymore and asked her outright for a nice kiss. 'Sure,' she said, and it was so.) No making out and sex, by corollary.

For someone who's had way more experience than I've had, I'm stumped why this relationship has basically stalled. I'm more than happy to wait indefinitely for sex, but no other forms of affection have come to fill the void. I'm the source of most of it, and I don't even do that much because I stress out about what she'd think. In a theatre I managed to reach over and give her a quick body squeeze before bailing out. She's been to my apartment once (it was early on and she knew I wouldn't pull any moves; we talked the entire time), but I don't know if I could ask her over again. I feel like she'd interpret it as a push for sex, which may or may not be the case, who knows. (Which is an interesting side question: how does one pose this invitation?) I used to be the exact opposite: with past GFs, I wouldn't shut up about how much I 'loved' them. In hindsight it was totally creepy.

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? What can I do to improve myself or get her to understand how I feel about her lack of response? Bringing up the desire for a good kiss is one thing, but I can't keep doing it for squeezing, hand-holding, first base, etc.

(Please don't suggest that I DTMFA. I know it sounds like she's cold and uninterested in me. I'm sure she enjoys my company very much. What we lack in physicality we make up verbally: we spend six hour stretches just talking and having fun.)

Excuse me, ladies, how long is your kissing window?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 07:57:21 -0800

So there's this beautiful woman that I'm finding myself overwhelmingly attracted to. We have a great time, seem to have some chemistry, some central common interests. There's been a couple of moments when I thought that she wanted me to kiss her. But they don't last long. Oh yeah, she's a biter. So there's this woman that I know. I like her a lot. A lot a lot. I think I might like her a lot a lot a lot a lot.

I know her from a class. She was (I think) dating someone from the class. I believe she is not dating him any longer. He seemed sort of lame. But it made me very sad, as I was trying to take things pretty slow with her.

Recently she came over my house for dinner. To talk about a mutual interest/hobby/passion we have. It was pretty awesome.

So here's the meat of the question. I was really unsure of where I stood at the time, because of the other dude. Not sure if this was a date or what. I think it was not a date. I believe we've yet to have been on a real date. So I was showing her something on my computer, and she was sitting in my chair and I reached across her to grab the mouse, and she leans over and bites me. On my arm. Really, really hard. I thought it was going to be black and blue, but was dissapointed when it wasn't.

It took me a second to figure out what just happened, and then, not so smoothly, I was like "why did you bite me?" and she said "I couldn't resist".

And she looked at me for like a millisecond, and I was thinking, ok, I kiss her now? And then, just as quickly, she turned her head and said she had to go...put on her coat and said goodnite, gave me a hug and left.

Saw her again this weekend, spent a couple of hours with her. Had an equally nice time. Lots of joking. That could be flirting? It was flirtateous. But I believe she's the type of person who is generally charming and flirtateous and maybe really hard to read. So when I was leaving, I looked at her and she was looking at me, and there was this second where I thought I could kiss her and then just as fast as the last time, she turns her head and gives me a big hug, and then I leave.

Ok so I'm confused. Am I expected to jump in, real quick, when I have the chance? I'm used to kissing where there is a sort of long look. I'm generally more comfortable with women letting me know they want to be kissed, where it's pretty clear what's going on. But after both these occassions, I felt like kissing might have been appropriate...maybe even wanted by the other side. And if she'd kept my gaze like 2 more beats, I would have gone for it.

I'm wondering if I'm a) being a panzy for not going in quickly when the moment presents itself or b) being smart and taking some time and sucking up the way this makes me totally bonkers and how I just want to kiss her the whole time I'm around her. Additionally there's c) wondering if she's wanting me to make a move and may get bored if I don't and d) wondering if she wants this all to take a really long time and I need to plan on being cool and waiting till it really feels comfortable. Oh yeah and there's e) that in the end she's just going to want to be friends and I'm going to have wasted all this high end worrying for nothing. I've had E happen a few times and it's my backup anxiety.

So, ladies of Askmefi, if you are letting a guy know that you want to be kissed, how long do you let him know for, and how fast do you turn away?

If it matters, she's an early 30s, super hot geeky type, a touch of sexy librarian, with an excellent sense of humor.

Dating for Dummies, Chapter 73: Getting Physical

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 19:08:23 -0800

Dating for Dummies, Chapter 73: Getting Physical. Through a series of life choices and unfortunate circumstances, I'm an adult on the young end of my thirties who has had very little dating experience and almost no experience with the physical aspects of affection.

But I've begun dating a woman. It is in the very early stages, and we're not dating exclusively yet. Because I've had so little physical experience, were I to rely solely on what "feels right," I'd be moving far too quickly, and this means I can't rely solely on my physical instincts right now.

When do people, on the average, begin doing various physical things in their relationship? On what date do people first kiss? On what date do people first French-kiss? On what date do people make out on the couch? On what date do people actually have sex?

I know that the answers to these questions will vary widely, but I imagine there are rough averages one can eke out.

Why am I asking? Aside from just wanting to know, I don't want to make her feel as if there's no chemistry because I'm failing to make physical gestures at the usual points in a relationship at which people do such things, and I think because of my desire (and my fear of the unknown), I'm more likely to be overly restraining myself, instead of going too fast.

Also, I'm highly embarrassed to even be asking these next two questions, but:

(a) I've not even really kissed much. I think I'll be kissing her goodnight on our upcoming date. I'd like not to resemble a dead fish. Are there Mefi questions, webpages, YouTube videos, or anything on which I can get a quick primer?

(b) A sixth-season episode of Sex and the City featured Kim Cattrall's character balking when her beau tried to hold her hand, her objection being that it was a more intimate, serious gesture than kissing and such. Was this just a dumb Sex and the City plot, or does such a statement actually reflect modern sensibilities? I would have thought holding hands to be a small, harmless thing.

Spin the Bottle or Similar Games

amyms — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 20:30:56 -0800

Do most cultures have some version of "Spin the Bottle" or other kissing games? What kinds of similar games does the coming-of-age crowd play in other cultures? Did you play these kinds of games when you were growing up (and where are you from)?

When you can take the pebble from my lips, Grasshopper, I will have taught you well.

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 07:42:36 -0800

How do you teach someone to be a better kisser? Can you? Ok, so kissing is one of those things that I enjoy and that I've been told I'm really really good at (by guys who I felt like could win a gold medal for kissing if such a thing existed). The problem is that in my last two-year relationship the guy wasn't a very good kisser. He kind of had that fish-lips thing going on. And, while I loved him in many other ways, the lack of passion I felt when we locked lips ended up being one of several things on the side of ending the relationship. Now I'm just starting to date a new guy and... the first kiss didn't wow me. It was a lot of pecking, with the same move repeated over and over again, instead of relaxing and varying the intensity and shape of his mouth. So if you've ever had success with teaching someone to kiss differently I need to know how. (Without being all, "Stop! You're doing that wrong!") I really like this guy otherwise, but I also know what a big libido-killer boring or bad kissing can be over time. Help!

How do we avoid kissing at our wedding reception?

ODiV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:12:51 -0800

How do my wife and I avoid kissing at our wedding reception? We're really not big on the idea of kissing in public, especially with all eyes on us. How can we avoid kissing during the reception? It seems to be universally expected and people do that annoying glass clinking thing at EVERY wedding I've been to.

Working against us is that the reception is falling into a very standard format: dinner/speeches/dancing. I have a feeling that if we had a "different" all around wedding reception, we might be able to avoid the kissing thing entirely. For reference, we're in Canada.

I've been looking around online, but only really finding alternatives to the way in which our guests can prod us into kissing. Google strategies would be appreciated as well if no solid ideas come up.

Has anyone here pulled this off or been to a wedding that managed it?

We do plan on kissing for the ceremony, though. Still not sure about tongue.

Her face is fine; it doesn't need sandpapering.

synecdoche — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 22:54:29 -0800

Well, this might be an odd one. The girl I am seeing has very delicate skin. I have stubble and it does quite a number on the skin on her chin. Is there anything we can do? It isn't as though I intentionally have stubble; I shave before we see each other. But, after we've been kissing for a bit, it's obviously doing some damage to her skin. She's being very good-natured about it, but I wish there was a way that this could be avoided. Is there anything I can do? I mean, I shave right before I see her, but by the end of the night, there's a bit of sandpaper-y coarseness going on.

Making Out and Still Being A Virgin

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 22:23:52 -0800

Making out with our clothes on. Ideas? My boyfriend and I (I'm a girl) are both virgins, and we'd pretty much like to stay that way (for personal reasons). That said, we both enjoy being physical, and we've been making out quite a bit. Mainly kissing and cuddling.

We're starting to run out of ideas for what to do that doesn't involve genitals nor being naked. (We're both not very experienced either when it comes to relationships - he's had a couple, this is my first) Any ideas?

What's the correct protocol for the French double-kiss?

bonecrusher — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:33:01 -0800

[French-kissing filter (not that kind)] When doing that little double kiss the French do, should I go right then left, left than right, or is there some subtle clue that the French give off to let you know which direction you should be moving your head? 'Cause if you go left when she goes right, it's not office appropriate and seems to upset her...

How can I get my ears kissed without getting them infected?

rwatson — Sun, 21 May 2006 13:31:06 -0800

I love having my ears kissed/licked, but this seems to cause ear infections sometimes. Is there a way to avoid the infections?

Tips for a new relationship

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2005 22:23:28 -0800

Got myself a brand new boyfriend! I'm 22, female, straight and recently started dating another 22 year old. He is my very first boyfriend (well, since Kindergarden...). He is only the second guy I have ever kissed. He is also more experienced dating-wise than I am...but I am trying not to let on about my own inexperience.

My parents are religious fundamentalists, and due to their restrictions and my own insecurities, I never really got involved in the dating scene very much until recently. Being someone's girlfriend for the first time has been an interesting experience...sometimes hard but new, beautiful, and profoundly rewarding as well.

I feel like I should have had these experiences at 16 instead of now, but I'm determined to make the most out of this...

Couple questions...
1)What makes a "good" girlfriend?
2)What are tell-tale signs of relationship inexperience that I can avoid showing?
3)What do you think makes a good kisser versus a bad one?
4)Any other advice for me?

Thanks!!!

Am I the only one who doesn't enjoy kissing?

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:08:13 -0800

Awkwardfilter: I got my first kiss this year, and after more practice, I still am not really enjoying it. Is that weird? I'm a 19 year old, straight female. I've kissed a couple different guys, but overall, I'm still not really enjoying the experience as a whole. My mind starts to wander, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I would rather be watching a movie or some other activity. In all, the physical contact I like, but the kissing itself is nothing special for me.
Is this something that will change over time, or am I alone in feeling this way?

How do you tell a man that you don't like the way he kisses?

Juicylicious — Sat, 27 Nov 2004 16:11:35 -0800

How do you tell a man that you don't like the way he kisses? Is it even possible to do without irrevocable damage to his ego?

How do I turn cheerful bar conversation into cheerful bar smooching?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Nov 2004 19:55:42 -0800

Pulling girls in bars: how do you do it? I don't think I know how. The two or three times I have they've kissed me first. I'm more used to getting into relationships - sometimes even just asking "can I kiss you? I think you're lovely" after a date - but want some of the late-night stranger-kissing that all the bar guys get. How do you turn cheery bar conversation into cheery bar smooching?