Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with kink

Catsuit: how/where to buy?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 18:03:15 -0800

Catsuit: how/where to buy? I'm looking to buy a latex or pvc catsuit for my wife. It'll be a surprise (sort of), but I'm pretty sure she'll be into it. I found at least one website that purports to sell such items, but how do I size such a thing? Is this the sort of garment that has to be tried on to find a good fit, or is it a one-size-fits-many sort of thing (and honestly, I can't tell). Which material is best? Other accoutrements I should get?

Also, any fun things to do with it? Mostly I plan to admire her beauty and take photos for our sekrit album, but I confess I'm not really a fetishist and naïve about these types of things, so, suggestions welcome.

Is it safe/practical/advisable to spank someone who's wearing a butt plug?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:01:58 -0800

Kinky folks: is it safe/practical/advisable to spank someone who's wearing a butt plug? What should I keep in mind while doing it? My girlfriend's an enthusiastic fan of getting spanked. I'm an enthusiastic fan of anal play. (Neither of us is new to it. She enjoys it too, and we wouldn't do it if she didn't. It's just higher on my list than it is on hers.) It would make us both very happy campers if we could combine the two. But I'm worried it wouldn't be safe — mostly, I think, because I've always been told to be OMG BEYOND GENTLE anytime anyone's asshole is involved. I wouldn't want to hit the plug itself — just to hit her ass while she's wearing it — but even still I'm worried that it's a bad idea.

Google is useless on this. It's not just that it gives you porn. It also gives "instructions" and "personal experiences" that might be genuine or, ...okay, yeah, are probably porn. The books I've read don't say anything either way. I mean, granted, they also don't answer questions about other combinations. ("Is it okay to pinch her left nipple while biting her ear? How about the right nipple?") But like I said, the anal/roughness combo has me nervous.

Talk to me, hive pervs. What do I need to know here?

Chasing down some hot European sex

Anonymous — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:39:31 -0800

American male/female swinger couple stranded in London next month. Where's the best fun? We're a mid-twenties married couple seeking straight and queer-friendly sexy fun while in London on business. He is bi-curious and to even suggest that in most swing clubs will get you beaten up or kicked out (male homophobic behavior and chauvinism abounds). As much as they proclaim otherwise, most swing clubs are all about being thin and fake-looking and fucking like a porn star for the benefit of the men present.

Lifestyle and kinky folks, where can we find the hottest and least prudish sexual shenanigans in London? Ideas for anything from sex shops (there's so many; where to start?) to burlesque joints to sex clubs are welcome.

Throwaway e-mail: londonhumping@gmail.com

day to day workings of a commercial dungeon

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:56:50 -0800

Kink day-by-day? Where can I read about the workings of a commercial dungeon? I'm very familiar with recreational kink (where no money is exchanged) -- what I want to learn about are the practical daily workings of a high-end dungeon where men are paying for sessions with female mistresses. I'm interviewing this week for some part-time work as a phone coordinator and shift manager for a high-end dungeon with a staff of several dozen mistresses.

I'm a longtime member of the kink community, have worked as a peer sex educator, and am a switch (play both as a top and as a bottom), so I have no doubt I'm a great candidate in terms of relating to the clients on the phone, hearing what they need and pairing them up with the right mistress in a given timeslot (that is the main part of the job). But I know less about the day to day mechanics of this kind of workplace. So what would help me are any blogs or articles about working in a dungeon.

In other words, I don't need writing about sex/kink/techniques as much as I need writing about the mechanics of the writer's worklife as a pro mistress, a dungeon owner or worker, etc. (And I need online rather than print resources -- can't get to a bookstore before interview time.)

I've been very open with the dungeon owner that I'm a lifestyle switch with no commercial dungeon experience, so it's not that I'm trying to pretend any expertise I don't have during the interview. I just want to research well beforehand. I've read everything on the dungeon's own site and a few of their competitors' sites.

Yar! Bare yer booty, wench!

Anonymous — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:59:46 -0800

Sexyfilter: Lesbian role-play ideas, bonus points for kinky. Yes, really. I'm in a long-term lesbian relationship with a lagging sex life. I know, I know, you've all heard this before. We have both recently realized we are slightly kinky (meaning: soft bondage, spanking, light whipping, hair pulling, scratching - so far) but can't seem to work that into sex. We think that role-playing might be fun, but don't really know where to start. Most suggestions online are pretty dependent either on heterosexual naughty bits, or at the least on male/female power dynamics. Most are also so cliche (headmistress/student) that we would just feel silly doing them. We have a strap-on, so gender play is a possibility, I'd need ideas/tips though.

So, a few questions then:
What are some tips for role-play beginners?
What are some tips for D/s or s/m beginners? Any websites to recommend that will teach us how to tie each other up?
What are some fun scenarios, which may or may not incorporate kink, that don't necessarily rely on full sets of male and female bits?

lesbianroleplay@gmail.com

Kinky Couture

Ambrosia Voyeur — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 12:56:18 -0800

Where are the good, exciting online fetishwear sites? *shrug*

I guess if I'm looking for any particular thing, it's just the unusual and the versatile. From lingerie to outerwear to accessories - what's striking, creative, and hip?

How do I find my match?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 07:31:44 -0800

I'm a straight guy and I have several kinks which drive me wild in bed. I'd like to date a straight girl who has similar kinks which drive her wild in bed. But I don't want to get into fetish lifestyles or anything extreme (unfortunately kink owners tend to get polarized into one big group of "alternative people" who dress in rubber and go to subterranean bondage clubs every week) - I just want a regularish relationship with some special orders in the bedroom. How do I do this? I can't find out during dating - hey what's your favorite movie, author, sexual deviation? I don't want to wait until I end up in the bedroom to find out that they're into R&B and I'm into Death Metal, so to speak. And I know I could join a club - let's say an S&M club - but I did that once (well, I went to the orientation meeting) but I got the impression that it was more of a place for couples to do their thing in front of other people (and that ain't my thing). The members were also of a significantly different age group and it just didn't seem a viable place to meet a potential partner. Finally, yes I know there's a bunch of sites online relating to kinks, but... are attractive girls in the personals of BDSM sites for real? I'm guessing not so much. Also, a lot of personals on BDSM sites come over as a bit extreme - there are people looking for Masters, Mistresses, 24/7 BDSM lifestyles etc - and I'm not looking for that. I don't want to dress in black and own custom equipment and essentially take it all too seriously (not that there's anything wrong with that!) - I just want a regular go for hikes/ dinner/ vacation together relationship with some particular flavors thrown in in the bedroom.

Is kink curable?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 10:59:08 -0800

SexFilter - is kink curable? Long story short - Ever since puberty, all of my fantasies have revolved around fetishism and various forms of humiliation. In these fantasies, I am always the one being humiliated. Although my fantasies nearly always involve physical contact, very rarely do they involve actual intercourse. In the past two years, I've only attempted to have sex twice. Both times, I have failed to maintain an erection, even though I never have trouble being erect when I am masturbating by myself. You could say that I suffer from extreme performance anxiety. These experiences have been absolutely devastating, to the point where my social life and performance at work were affected.

I have tried viagra, but unfortunately, I have chronic pelvic pain syndrome, and the viagra caused a very painful flare-up. I've been seeing an outragously expensive therapist for the past month or so to help me with my impotence problem. He believes that one of my problems is the fact that my fantasies are all about humiliation and don't involve intercourse. He suggests that I change my fantasies and masturbation material; that I no longer fantasize about humiliation, but instead fantasize about more "vanilla" sex. Here's the problem, though - sexual humiliation is all that really turns me on. Although I fantasize about a number of scenarios, they are all based around some sort of humiliation or fetishism. The idea of "vanilla" sex doesn't really turn me on.

I have had girlfriends before - my last girlfriend was awesome, she was totally accepting of my sexuality. We started out having "vanilla" sex, with me thinking about my fantasies in order to maintain an erection. However, as time went on, I shared some of my fantasies with her, and we even worked one or two of them into our sex life. The weird thing was that after a while, I actually started to enjoy the vanilla sex, and began to think about her and not my fantasies during sex. I even indulged her in some of *her* submissive fantasies, and actually enjoyed it. To be honest I think that what allowed me to enjoy sex with her was the very fact that she accepted my weird, embarrassing sexuality - she didn't even really need to indulge my fantasies. Needless to say, she was the first woman I actually enjoyed having sex with.

I've thought about seeking out the BDSM community here in NYC, but I'm afraid that doing so will only make me more depressed; I'm aware that there is a grossly imbalanced ratio of submissive men to dominant women. I've also considered trying one of the BDSM dating services, however I'm deathly afraid that people I know will somehow find out that I'm on there.

Anyhow, my question is this - is it even possible for me to do what my therapist wants me to do, and exchange my submissive fantasies for normal ones? I don't even know where to begin. I like my submissive fantasies, but I really want to have a sex again. I'm sick of being lonely, and I'm sick of masturbating by myself in my room.

Coming to terms with weird sexual fantasies

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 15:31:36 -0800

How does one come to peace with unfulfillable sexual fantasies? I've been blessed with a number of sexual fantasies involving loss of control that are either impossible to fulfill (that is, they involve things that don't, in fact, exist in real life, such as tentacles and mythical creatures and the like), or immoral (rape, slavery, bestiality, etc).

The question of why these things are in my head may only be addressed with a hefty amount of money and time spent at a good psychologist's office, but I'm not all that interested in the why of it all. I'm fairly convinced that these fantasies aren't likely to go away, and so I'm more concerned with what I should do about them now.

Without further ado: Have you managed to come to peace with sexual fantasies you either can't or won't act out? If so, how? If you are in a serious long-term relationship, how have you worked it all out with your SO? (By 'peace', I mean comfortable and confident with yourself and your sexuality)

Background: Male, engaged to fantastic girl, sex is excellent & fairly kink-free. We're starting to talk more about all of this, but are at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed [For example, dressing up in costumes to have sex seems kind of silly to me at this point]. I've stopped masturbating to porn online, as I was fairly addicted to it, and it was very emotionally draining.

Email at anonmefi10@gmail.com

What's my kink?

Ethereal Bligh — Thu, 31 May 2007 01:34:27 -0800

Do I have a (sexual) kink? Should I have a kink? If I do have a kink, how do I discover it? My sex life has always been pretty straightforward. I'm very open-minded and have tried the usual variety of relatively conventional stuff. What I haven't done, though, is any sort of play-acting, or BDSM, or even dressing up (me or my partner). I like and enjoy sex but, on the other hand, other than during my adolescence sex has never seemed to be nearly as important to me as it seems to be for many other people. It's not, for example, the most fun thing I can think of doing. I can get by without it for long stretches of time. And so sometimes I wonder if there's not some kind of sex out there waiting for me to discover that would be sort of like a revelation: "Oh, this is why so many peoples' lives revolve around sex!"

In my masturbatory fantasy life there's not really anything that I have thought of that has an unusually powerful stimulating effect on me. There's maybe one pretty common activity that I do quite like and the idea of which is moderately arousing to me—but not unusually so.

Do most people have little sexual kinks that powerfully turn them on and reliably get them off? If you have something like this, did you always have it and, if not, when and how did you become aware of it? For example, not ever having done any play-acting or even mild dominance/submissive stuff, I'm only able to "test" whether anything like that might be a particular turn-on to me by trying it out through my imagination. And nothing I've imagined seems to have any special appeal. But is that predictive? Would I only know if I actually tried it?

Also, I'm sex-positive and don't have, as far as I can tell, any sex-negative hang-ups. However, one reason I'm asking this question may be that I do have a bit of a hang-up about anything I think might be sort of silly. For example, role-playing. I think that maybe role-playing something might be a turn-on and fun, but I'm inhibited by a self-consciousness related to what seems silly about play-acting.

Finally, it's also the case that I've seen lots of porn and there's not been any particular kinky activity that really gets my blood pumping.

I'm not dating anyone now, but assuming I were dating someone, how could I explore new sexual territory, looking for something that really turns me on, without having any idea of what that might be?

Choking - yea or neah

serazin — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 11:06:06 -0800

Kinkfilter: I know there’s a big campaign to discourage kids from playing the choking game, and I know people die from autoerotic asphyxiation all the time, but I also know that lots of people like to get choked for fun while having sex. It seems that most accidental asphyxiation deaths happen when someone actually has a rope or belt tied around their necks and usually only when no one is there to rescue them if things go bad. From the little I could dig up on medline, there’s no conclusive evidence that choking for fun is actually dangerous to a healthy person. But do you have any information that would make you believe otherwise? I’m especially interested to hear from health workers and people who have direct experience with this sort of thing. And of course I’m only asking for my, uh, cousin.

Help us get our freak on!

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 05:43:18 -0800

Help my partner and I find a place to do BDSM play where we'll fit in. My girlfriend and I have been engaging in BDSM play in the bedroom for almost as long as we've been together. Both of us are very interested in playing semipublically, i.e. at a fetish club, BDSM orgazization or the like. We're in our thirties, attractive, live near Los Angeles, and generally play with me as the dom and she as the sub.

So far, we haven't been successful in our efforts to find a place to do this. We've visited public events held by two of LA's BDSM organizations, but most of the attendees were significantly older, and neither of us felt any sexual energy with the people there. Granted, we weren't at a play party, and those events might have a younger crowd than the more social gatherings, but we have no way of knowing if this is really the case... and neither of us feel enthusiastic playing in front of people for whom we feel no sexual attraction, which is the case with the older crowd at the events we've been to. So, the local organizations might not be an option.

We have gone to fetish nights at bars, but an opposite problem comes up... the crowd skews much younger and mostly Goth, and we feel a little bit out of place there. Plus, at a bar there are, um, limits to what one can do, and for us BDSM is primarily about sex and not always an end unto itself, so we can't scene in that environment to the extent that we would like.

I'm not sure what other options there are... I mean, swinger's clubs occasionally have a small play area for BDSM stuff and we'd be willing to try that, but I don't know the extent to which that community is accepting of the S&M crowd (plus, I'm a bisexual guy and my girlfriend is bicurious but more or less straight, which is pretty much the opposite dynamic of what is considered the norm in swinger land).

So, how do you find cool places to play? We'd like to find a place with other people who are around our age, and where we feel enough chemistry with those people that we're comfortable playing with/in front of them. Any suggestions are welcome... if you'd like to respond by email, you can reach us at hot.nsfw at gmail.

More male bottoms then female tops?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 11:01:10 -0800

BSDMFilter : Is it true that there are far more male bottoms then there are female tops? If not, why are men willing to pay so much money to see a domme?

If so, how did it get this way? What is a sub male to do?

Where can I find kinky like minded people in Portland online?

Dean Keaton — Thu, 03 Nov 2005 22:32:40 -0800

Where can I find kinky like minded people in Portland online? mi All the personals i've tried are advertising ads. I tried the mercury personals online and that is really good, but what else is out there?

Theoretical explanation for kinkyness.

kavasa — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:25:09 -0800

So has anyone tried to explain sexual kinks and fetishes? I don't mean in a cataloguing sense, but in the same sense that an evolutionary biologist explains a fish's tail shape. Where it came from, what purposes it serves, that sort of thing.