Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with judging

Don't judge me, but....

thebazilist — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:11:51 -0800

I am the "judgmental friend." What does this mean? Should I change, and if so, how? My best friend just told me that she has been having completely unprotected sex with this guy "whose last name she doesn't know." She prefaced the confession with: "Promise you won't judge me." She then went on to ask "Ugh, am I bad?? Should I change my life??"

How am I supposed to go about "not judging" my friend in such an instance? Sometimes I feel like "not judging" and its close friend "being supportive" are euphemisms for "saying what they want to hear." Is it judgmental to tactfully bring up the morning-after pill? Not that I would ever say so in so many words, but I do in fact think she should "change her life," or at least this aspect of it.

I'm not talking about unsolicited advice. If I think something is a bad idea, but I haven't been asked my opinion, I keep quiet.

So do I lie? Part of me thinks (knows?) that she is just looking for comforting platitudes ("Sure, it'll be totally fine if he pulled out!") or to just gloss over the "confession" ("Omg was the sex amazing or what?!?"). It makes me really uncomfortable to do this and I don't feel like I should have to -- am I being arrogant? I've known this friend for 15 years, so I'd think by now that she knows what she's getting when she asks my opinion. I just feel like the "don't judge me" disclaimer means that there's something they're missing emotionally from the type of responses I usually give. What do people mean/want when they say this?

Re: being the "judgmental friend:" I'm not mean, I don't name call, and I never say "I told you so" (usually unnecessary anyway, since the person usually remembers full well what you told them). It's never been hurled at me as an insult, and usually it seems like people treat it as one of those things that make me imperfect but still lovable (am I delusional?). But it's a running joke among us -- a friend will do something "bad" (ie, something I'd advise against or disapprove of), and will tell the other friends but say "Don't tell thebazilist!" Then a short time later, they'll "confess" to me, usually when they're ready to hear what they already know I'm going to say. We'll laugh together about it, I'll reiterate my opinion, and they'll be like "Hahaha, I know, I totally shouldn't have made that fake Facebook account to stalk his fiancée!"

How do I stop judging people?

abdulf — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 07:24:47 -0800

How do I stop judging people and relate to them as equals? I noticed the people I really admire are those who are respected by a diverse group of people.

I suppose they have charisma. They're usually confident, polite, good listeners. They make the people they talk to feel important. They give compliments that feel sincere. However, they also have an ability to relate to people I wouldn't imagine being in their social circles.

They aren't particularly wealthy, smart, beautiful or powerful. They seem to be comfortable with everyone. It's like they talk to a complete stranger and they've known them for years. Perhaps they would be great politicians but lack the interest for that kind of work.

Anyway, I would like to be this kind of person. I think it would make for a more interesting and fulfilling life, to be able to connect better with more people.

I've been able to do this when traveling. I think it's because I was an outsider and I didn't know the rules of the society and the usual cues were not there. I talked to everyone and everyone talked to me. I was also interested in people because it was another culture.

However, back at home, in the US, I have trouble continuing this.

I know I have this issue where I judge people and that subtly works into how I relate to people. For example, I have a graduate degree, and some part of my brain ranks me as being better than someone with less education. I have friends with just a high school education but even they admit that in first impressions, I gave off a vibe that I was better than them. (see what I did there? "just" a high school education. I gotta stop!) Another example is money. I claim that money doesn't matter, but I feel like I'm more interested in the person driving a Mercedes than someone who pulls up in a Honda. At the same time, I loathe the person in the Mercedes for conspicuous consumption while admiring the Honda driver for practicality. But why can't I seem to ignore the car they drive?

I know prejudice and stereotyping helps us survive, but I'm not sure these are the kinds of prejudices that are helpful.

So I need to work on these first impressions. I find people interesting, but these judgments are causing me to give off subtle cues that make people feel less trusting or less likely to reciprocate. In other words, when I talk to someone, I'm coming to them as someone above them or someone below them.

It's hard to say what I am specifically doing to convey this. I know I'm the kind of person that has to believe in something to portray it convincingly. So what can a relatively ambitious person read, think about or do on a daily basis to eliminate or better control these judging thoughts?

How do I combat these, materialistic (for the lack of a better word), prejudices that impair my current and potential relationships?

How do I stop thinking I'm better or worse than other people so that I can get along with different people?

(note: I'm not worried about people judging me. Well I am, sorta, but there are metafilter posts on that. I'm concerned with my judgment of others)

Do you think it's likely that the unfair judging in Olympic gymnastics could be mafia related?

mintchip — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:29:06 -0800

How likely is it that the unfair judging in Olympic gymnastics is mafia related? It seems pretty clear to me (and many others) that certain athletes were favored in Beijing, even when they made clear mistakes.

For example, the bronze medalist on women's vault only landed one out of two of her vaults--and she still medaled! This bias seemed to apply across all events. However, if I understand correctly the same teams of judges don't judge the same events, i.e. the vault judge and beam events will have different judging teams. Furthermore, a judging panel cannot included judges from the same country as an athlete...so it would seem that the judges wouldn't have a lot of political incentive to favor one athlete over another.

This had me imaging some Tony Soprano-like scenarios. What do you think the chances might be that some threats were communicated, i.e. "She scores well...or you're toast"? What are some other scenarios to explain the blatant bias?

Start judging me -- I need a free/cheap online photo-multimedia contest judging software

jkl345 — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 13:40:41 -0800

Is there any decent free or cheap online contest judging software out there? I'm looking for a tool to help people submit and judge media contests (specifically photo and multimedia contests) for a non-profit organization. The closest thing I've seen for this is this Omni Contest site: http://www.omnicontests3.com/ (But it costs money, is hosted elsewhere, isn't as flexible as I'd like, etc.)

Ideally, it'd be able to:
- Allow entrants to upload their entry directly online
- Allow judges to view, comment on and rate entries directly online
- Allow user classes (so judges and entrants have different permissions)

Would be cool stuff:
- Free or cheap cost
- Allow integration with Wordpress blog software

I know this might be kind of a pie in the sky fantasy because I've never heard of anything like this for free/cheap, but if there's anything that might be hackable or modified to work with this, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps some sort of photo gallery system that allows multiple media formats and raitings? I'd like to hear all ideas. :)

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer!

If I tell myself I'm ok, am I ok (or will I be)?

segatakai — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 08:38:24 -0800

My question is not "do self-affirmations work?," but rather "have they worked for you?" I would appreciate hearing from people who have used self-affirmations to bring about (significant?) change in their lives. I hate myself. I constantly judge myself and tell myself ('selftalk,' I've heard it called) I'm lousy, lazy, a loser, etc. I also judge others, though this is also almost exclusively by interior monologue. The selftalk, especially, gets worse when I go through a period of low motivation or mild depression (as I am right now ... though, the fact that I am finally making the effort to post my first question on AskMe is a sign I may be moving out of it). I know this way of thinking/acting is debilitating and self-destructive, and the words may not even be true, but I suppose it's a habit now, that I need to break. My wife suggests self-affirmations. At least I think that's what they're called: I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! But I guess I'm no Stewart Smalley. I think I understand the idea that what you're trying to do is replace the destructive habit with a constructive one, but I can't get my head around the idea of telling myself what feels like a lie over and over again with the aim of it eventually (miraculously) coming true. Still, I know I need to try something to break out of this rut, and so I'd like to hear from any others who have tried this and seen positive results. Bonus points for those who found (or can suggest) a way to suspend the disbelief, IOW feel that it's ridiculous but somehow believe in it anyway. Also helpful would be exmaples that are not too ridiculous or over-the-top.

I found this previous question, and I have to say that suggestions like "Practice loving yourself" or "Quit worrying about anything that doesn't bring you joy" are maddeningly frustrating for me. "Stop judging yourself" isn't going to help me much, I'm afraid.

I feel I could go on (and on), but unless there are comments that I've been unclear or incomplete in my question, I guess I'll leave it at that...

Thanks in advance for any/all answers.

Pie-Off

Miko — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 12:12:44 -0800

Help! I'm running a pie contest Sunday. I need pointers on how to set it up. It's part of this event. I don't yet know how many pies will be submitted. Here are the specs:

There will be two categories: Best Traditional Pie and Best Original Pie. We will also award a People's Choice to the crowd favorite (though the two top award winners will not be eligible for that).

We'll take 1/3 of each pie for judge testing, and 2/3s will be cut into small shares for People's Choice evalution.

This needs to be blind - the pies will have just the name of a pie and an identifying number or letter. But we need to keep track of which number was whose pie.

I'd like your pointers on setting this up from the moment of pie drop off to the awarding of prizes. I've never done a contest like this and I know people are taking it seriously, so I want to make sure it's for real. Should my judges have a score sheet? On what criteria should they judge? Should I make up entry blanks? How should I assign numbers to the pies and to the people while keeping it anonymous? And for people's choice, should be it be "Just write the number of your favorite?" or should there be some sort of ranking?

Any wisdom at all from past bake-off or other contest organizers most welcome!