Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with judgement

How do I stop judging people?

abdulf — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 07:24:47 -0800

How do I stop judging people and relate to them as equals? I noticed the people I really admire are those who are respected by a diverse group of people.

I suppose they have charisma. They're usually confident, polite, good listeners. They make the people they talk to feel important. They give compliments that feel sincere. However, they also have an ability to relate to people I wouldn't imagine being in their social circles.

They aren't particularly wealthy, smart, beautiful or powerful. They seem to be comfortable with everyone. It's like they talk to a complete stranger and they've known them for years. Perhaps they would be great politicians but lack the interest for that kind of work.

Anyway, I would like to be this kind of person. I think it would make for a more interesting and fulfilling life, to be able to connect better with more people.

I've been able to do this when traveling. I think it's because I was an outsider and I didn't know the rules of the society and the usual cues were not there. I talked to everyone and everyone talked to me. I was also interested in people because it was another culture.

However, back at home, in the US, I have trouble continuing this.

I know I have this issue where I judge people and that subtly works into how I relate to people. For example, I have a graduate degree, and some part of my brain ranks me as being better than someone with less education. I have friends with just a high school education but even they admit that in first impressions, I gave off a vibe that I was better than them. (see what I did there? "just" a high school education. I gotta stop!) Another example is money. I claim that money doesn't matter, but I feel like I'm more interested in the person driving a Mercedes than someone who pulls up in a Honda. At the same time, I loathe the person in the Mercedes for conspicuous consumption while admiring the Honda driver for practicality. But why can't I seem to ignore the car they drive?

I know prejudice and stereotyping helps us survive, but I'm not sure these are the kinds of prejudices that are helpful.

So I need to work on these first impressions. I find people interesting, but these judgments are causing me to give off subtle cues that make people feel less trusting or less likely to reciprocate. In other words, when I talk to someone, I'm coming to them as someone above them or someone below them.

It's hard to say what I am specifically doing to convey this. I know I'm the kind of person that has to believe in something to portray it convincingly. So what can a relatively ambitious person read, think about or do on a daily basis to eliminate or better control these judging thoughts?

How do I combat these, materialistic (for the lack of a better word), prejudices that impair my current and potential relationships?

How do I stop thinking I'm better or worse than other people so that I can get along with different people?

(note: I'm not worried about people judging me. Well I am, sorta, but there are metafilter posts on that. I'm concerned with my judgment of others)

Who said you can tell how someone was loved by seeing someone them walk in the nuddy?

Rc — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 02:34:59 -0800

Quote filter: Who was it that said something to the effect of "you can tell by the way he walks that he was loved as a child" of a naked chap? I have a vague recollection of reading this some time ago. Possibly related to Ancient Rome; though I am not sure about that.

Not much to go on, but I've seen the hive mind succeed on less!

Oh, the dilemmas of youth!

liquorice — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 23:20:59 -0800

I’ve been asked to try out for a modelling agency, sounds pretty sweet, right? Unfortunately, the only person not supportive of the idea is me. How do I convince myself that this may be a good idea? One day, while waltzing along singing tra-la-la between classes at uni - that's college to some of you - I was approached by a woman bearing business cards for a modelling agency. She told me she was scouting for an agency that had recently moved to Melbourne, and that I was "just beautiful". After a five minute chat, she'd explained how it would work. If I was interested, she would set up a coffee or dinner meeting with the heads, who would basically look me up and down and ask me whatever questions they had, before moving to the next step.

Now, I've received compliments about my looks, and I've been told more than once - not just by family - that I should or could be a model. Caveat: I don’t actually believe these two things are related. I do not find models attractive but they are, on the whole, tall and skinny. I happen to be tall and skinny but I realise taking on something like this will impact on my esteem, anyway. So this does seem like an intriguing and possibly fun prospect, but it's about now that I should mention that I am deeply self-conscious and insecure about my looks. Being looked over by people who will no doubt nitpick every aspect of my appearance won't do me any wonders, and being in some kind of clothing catalogue where any person can look upon and judge me - in my mind, always harshly - certainly won't either.

At the same time, this could be an excellent opportunity to boost my self-esteem and overcome the issues that plague me on a daily basis. Maybe even become comfortable in my own skin and as a person. It may sound like I’m jumping the gun, they haven’t, after all, even said I’m suitable but I don’t even know if I could handle a meeting!

So I'm conflicted. Could this be a great opportunity I shouldn't ignore, or will it end up with me in the foetal position on the floor? Is there a good chance this could severely damage the level of self-esteem I already have? Do you know of anyone, perhaps a bit insecure, who has benefited from doing some modelling work? I've tried dealing with the identifiable aspects of my life that have caused these insecurity issues, but to little or no avail. Could this then be a healthy step for me, or should I just enjoy the fact that I was even asked and keep it as a story for when I’m old and grey?

I don’t wish for this to turn into a discussion about my lack of healthy self-esteem. I realise this is something I need to work on but it’s not something I wish to deal with in a public forum. I do want to emphasise, however, that this more than just a “I have the occasional bad hair day” thing. It has been suggested before that may I have BDD.

judge not, lest ye be denied credit

bingo — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 08:29:35 -0800

So, I have a 'judgement' on my credit report. In terms of my credit, does it even matter whether I pay, and is there any way to reverse/erase it? It's from back-rent allegedly owed to a landlord (in another state) from about four years ago. There was a court date and I didn't show up. I did receive a notice of the verdict later on, but there has been no further attempt to collect that I know of.

Everything I've read about judgements and credit reports basically says 'if you have a judgement, you're fucked whether you pay it or not.' Well, okay...if that's really the case, then my inclination is not to pay it.

Is there some way I could get a lawyer and make a deal to pay in exchange for having it removed from my record, or has that ship long since sailed?

Also, there doesn't seem to be a collection agency involved even now. The municipal court is listed as the 'creditor' on my credit report. If I contact them to make a deal, I'm not sure what approach to take, i.e. I assume there's a different set of rules than there is when dealing with collectors or debtors of other types.

Finally, to save some of you some time: morally speaking, I feel no obligation to pay. No remarks made below will change my attitude on that subject.

Judging people

timyang — Fri, 15 Apr 2005 02:48:31 -0800

I'm in position where every day I have to judge the character and abilities of people in order to do my job. I have to do it quickly and decisively. Although I have never doubted my ability to do so, in quiet moments, I wonder whether I've been right all along or whether I've just never been proven wrong. Can someone point me to studies of the validity of character judgements? What's the likelihood that I'm right when I judge people? In those quiet moments, sometimes I wonder whether it's my own prejudices or whether it's some intuition or innate ability that leads me to my conclusions about the characters of people.