It's been 24 hours of despair. I need good, fast laughs. (So not a movie or tv episode.) Jokes, pics, awful puns, Vines, YouTube, whatever. I'm sure I'm not the only one who could use this right now. Whatcha got?
Help me remember all of the jokes I forgot after having a baby. [more inside]
What are some jokes I can make for a single serving website about whether Donald Trump has released his tax returns? The website just says "no", but I'm looking for jokes for the twitter feed. Examples: 1, 2, 3. Got anything good?
I need new jokes. Lots and lots of jokes. [more inside]
I remember when I was younger—probably late elementary through middle school but potentially a broader range—I used to hear and pass along tons of topical jokes. Jokes about Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Bob Dole, Jose Canseco and other athletes, Madonna, Kurt Cobain, and on and on. Whether it's because I'm now in the wrong age demographic or they're just not as much of a thing anymore (that's a whole other question), I just don't hear them now. Assuming they're out there, what have you got for me??? [more inside]
I am looking for jokes that will crack up a 5 year old. [more inside]
Please tell me the funniest statistics-related joke or jokes that you know. I give talks and run workshops about statistical concepts - broadly defined - to mixed audiences. Jokes will be used as ice-breakers. The ideal joke will be funny to everybody, and doubly funny to statisticians. [more inside]
Looking for resources of clever puns, one-liners and dad jokes that will make middle school students think and laugh. [more inside]
My son is 9 and one of my favorite things to do is gently aggravate him with dad-esque sayings. [more inside]
I'm writing a best man speech for a good friend and it really could do with a few more jokes to balance it out. I've had a search on the internet but the results are either unfunny, already been used far too many times or both. Have you got any good jokes I can borrow? [more inside]
Sometime in the last several months I found a post on a site I'd never been to before that shared a word made up by the author. [more inside]
Please hit me with your favorite dad joke. I'm looking for those extremely lame ones like when you say, "I'm tired." Dad says, "Hey Tired, it's nice to meet you. I'm Dad." If you can cite who originally made the joke that's great, but not really needed (I just like giving credit). I would prefer short jokes to long jokes. Thank you. I'll take my answer off the air.
It was said by Wittgenstein that a perfectly good work of philosophy could be written which was entirely composed of jokes. Has anyone done it, in analytical or continental philosophy? [more inside]
One of my friends who lives on the other coast is going through some serious medical stuff. I've been sending him cheesy postcards with stupid stuff written on them, just to let him know I'm thinking of him and to maybe give him a laugh. I'm out of ideas though. Give me your best jokes/puns/groaners that I can fit on a postcard! They can be off-color if they're sufficiently funny. Any topic welcome.
For something like the past four or five months, I've been in what I can only describe as a creative lull. I work as a comedy writer and have been doing this for roughly two years, but for whatever reason, I am not producing material that I'm happy with any more. I'm looking for advice from people who have climbed out of something similar, or any insight into why this is happening. I realize the awesome irony of asking this question in a very serious, unfunny way. [more inside]
I've looked for the answer to this for a couple of years with no success, so hopefully you all can help. This was from a comedy album of some sort (I think it was SCTV related) but person A is talking to Person B and sets up some story like "Hey B, do you remember the time...?" with some humorous one sentence scenario set up. [more inside]
I've always wanted to know how funny people became funny. What particular attributes, behavior, types of humor makes them so hilarious? Do some of them practice jokes in advance? Do they watch comedians and funny tv shows a lot? [more inside]
I've been tasked (by my wife) with coming up with a corporate, work-safe joke with a specific punchline. That punchline is 'change'. Help? I've got nothing.
I was recently in a situation where French jokes, French-and-English jokes, and French-and-English-and-Arabic jokes would have been handy. Just to be ready for the next time this happens, what are your favorite jokes that are in a language other than English or that combine two or more languages (one of which, ideally, is English)?
I'm looking for examples of jokes that just don't translate. [more inside]
When I was very young, I once heard my late father tell a friend a joke that was in the first person. Being an impressionable kid, I took it as a true story, to the point of retelling it at a family gathering only to have my father swoop in and scoop me up before I could finish the (presumably at least a little off-color) punchline. I remember his horror at seeing my repeat the joke, but I'm fuzzy on the setup and I have no recollection at all of the punchline. All I remember is that it involved a construction worker who steps on a nail that goes right through his foot and a cagey older worker who advises him to "fill the hole with diesel fuel." Does anyone know this joke?
A colleague of mine brought some candy back from France, and there are silly jokes written on the inside of the wrappers. Most of them are cute enough, but there's one that uses a word that I don't know and can't find a definition for. Is it just a nonsense word? [more inside]
Calling all the comedy writers of MetaFilter! Mr. BlahLaLa have a low-key but long-running marital dispute. I've decided that I need some snappy one-liners to throw at him the next time this happens. Give them to me? [more inside]
I'm looking for jokes, usually bad jokes, that work as a series of short jokes where the punchline is in the final joke of the series. Example inside. [more inside]
Cyclists say, "What goes down must come up," meaning if you have a nice long downhill going out, you'll have to climb the same height to get back home. Contra dancers say, "Better never than late," meaning if you don't have enough time to do a figure properly then just skip it and make sure you're ready for the next. What other subcultures or fields have domain-specific inversions of common sayings?
My friend and I are stumped: we have the punchline for a joke he liked in highschool. However, we can't for the life of us come up with joke. Google hasn't helped, neither text nor image searches. So we turn to you fond MeFites, for your good knowledge: what joke ends with the punchline, "I must be a past participle." [more inside]
A friend of mine is moving from Southwestern Ontario to Winnipeg next month. We're throwing a going-away party and I'd like to give a speech and tell a few jokes. What are some good jokes I can tell about Winnipeg or Manitoba or the Canadian prairies? Thanks!
I keep finding myself in a peculiar and incredibly disheartening group social dynamic. I need practical guidance on how to "fix" the latest one, and maybe some suggestions on how to head these things off before we get to Suicidal Ideation pass. [more inside]
"What do you call a pissed off baby vampire with the potential for centuries of memory?" "A 'Tara bite'." I'm looking for some good pop culture puns related to the past few years. [more inside]
Groucho Marx made a joke in his Memoirs of a Mangy Lover that I just don't get. PLZ HOPE ME. [more inside]
Help us avoid the tidal wave of bad jokes about our unique wedding venue. [more inside]
Is there a joke wiki or humor wiki database? I'm looking for a professional level no-nonsense jokes database. [more inside]
My father passed away this morning. I'm going through his file, and I came across JOKES.TXT ... which contains only the punchlines. Can the Mind please tell me the jokes? [more inside]
"Some people, when confronted with a problem, think 'I know, I'll use %s' Now they have %d problems." How many variations on this joke do you know?
Every time I go to my boyfriend's parents place for dinner, his dad teases me about how much (or how little) I eat. He likes me and he's just joking around....so help me come up with some good comebacks! [more inside]
Please to give me your best dog jokes. Thanks!
Please share your short, text-message-friendly, jokes. [more inside]
I need suggestions of fictional or non-fictional books or films that deal with illness or dying in relation to humor/the absurd. [more inside]
Sometimes I can't tell if my boyfriend likes me. [more inside]
Please give me lots of word-play and puns that are associated with bells. [more inside]
What jokes do you know that absolutely depend on telling a good story? [more inside]
Give me your best ______ do it ______ jokes. [more inside]
Attention pun lovers! Plant related v-day punchline needed! [more inside]
How do I deal with jokes that are not funny (particularly pertaining to OWS) that I see on social network sites without getting too heavily involved? [more inside]
I heard something like this. Abraham Lincoln said he wanted to paint the bathroom green and his wife wanted to paint it yellow "so we compromised and painted it yellow". Did anything like this ever happen? Who? Where? When? I have a friend who would like to use this in a wedding speech. My google fu fails me.
Looking for insults and jokes for my husbands 40th birthday party. It is a roast. He is a metrosexual, known for wearing pink. He plays golf and is known to get a little angry if he doesn't play well. He also loves poker and again gets angry if he loses. He thinks he has a big head, not conceited, but a physically big head. He comes across as arrogant but he really isn't if you get to know him. Jokes need to be relatively clean ie pg-13. Thanks [more inside]
He's got so many qualities I like...except for one. And it might be a dealbreaker. Am I being ridiculous? Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about this? [more inside]
It's my grandmother's birthday next week, and I'd like to give her some sort of book with cute and funny short stories/jokes, a la Reader's Digest. It should also be clean humor only. Any suggestions? [more inside]
Does anyone know any dirty jokes that are related to the weather? Bonus points if the punchline, if said alone, indicates that it's a weather-related dirty joke. Actually, if you have a punchline that would indicate that, but no actual joke, that would be fine too.
Jokes. We all know one, maybe even two or three, and there's a good chance they're slightly or completely off-color. But let's say you need to entertain a room of five- to eight-year-olds, and they're expecting a non-stop barrage of hilarity. Anyone have any favorite kids' jokes they'd like to share?