Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with joke

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before.

bunnytricks — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 08:59:02 -0800

"I'm not a vegetarian, I eat meat. It's not because I love the taste of meat, it's because I hate cows." Where have I heard this joke before? Dan Cummins was on Conan last night and the above is a paraphrase of one of "his" jokes. I'm absolutely certain that I've heard this joke in someone elses routine.. Who was Dan "influenced" by when he "wrote" this joke?

Searching for roast saint recipe

kenko — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:21:53 -0800

I once read an old cookbook that, at the end, had a recipe for saint. I want to find it again. Any clues? It was for the most part a serious cookbook, though either old or eccentric enough that its recipes included instructions like "shoot the pheasants and hang them for several days", but at the end it had several tongue-in-cheek recipes, one of which, as mentioned, was for saint; it advised the chef that, if the saint was genuine, he would advise the chef as to when he was done (like St. Lawrence). I haven't been able to google it up.

What movie am I thinking of?

oinopaponton — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 12:16:10 -0800

At the beginning of Bret Easton Ellis's Rules of Attraction, a townie makes a joke about a rat and an elephant having sex that I've heard in a movie before. What was that movie? Ellis's (NSFW?) version of the joke under cut. "The townie winked at her, didn't bother to introduce himself, and then told her this joke he had heard last night about this elephant who was wandering through the jungle and who stepped on a thorn and it hurt a lot and the elephant asked a rat who was passing by to 'Please pull the thorn out from my foot' and the rat made a request: 'Only if you let me fuck you.' Without hesitation the elephant said okay and the rat scrambled up behind the elephant and began fucking. A hunter passed by and shot the elephant, who then started to moan in pain. The rat, oblivious to the elephant's wounds, said, 'Suffer baby, suffer,' and kept on fucking."

As far as I can remember, only the end of the joke was told in the movie (maybe--MAYBE-- it was a book, but I don't think so). I think that instead of "Suffer baby, suffer," the joke-teller in this movie said "Take it all, bitch," and that it was at a bar or a party. It wasn't the movie adaptation of Rules of Attraction, because I haven't seen it. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Help Explain Total Eclipse's "Glee Club of the Damned" and Dr. Horrible's "Dead, Not Sleeping"?

WCityMike — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 18:47:12 -0800

Could someone explain to me two references I don't get? In Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, Billy receives a letter from "Dead, Not Sleeping" (clip). Is that a reference to something? Also, in the Total Eclipse of the Heart "literal" video I posted to Mefi, there's a lyric that says: "And I've joined the Glee Club of the Damned (reference joke!)" (clip). What's "Glee Club of the Damned" a reference to? I presume it's a reference to something since they outright say it is ...

Go home, bunny!

shesbookish — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:35:31 -0800

How do I send this bunny home? Long story short, a friend of mine and I have been passing a small stuffed bunny toy back and forth for a few years now. He often returns the bunny by hiding it somewhere in my apartment when he visits. I just found the bunny a few days ago and I think it might've been here for a few months this time.

Now it's time for me to return the bunny and I need to come up with a funny way of doing so. I've seen this question about the lobster, but there are a few restrictions that rule out most of the ideas listed there. First, I don't have access to my friend's apartment and we rarely go over there. So, my options for returning the bunny are either to come up with an elaborate way to put it on his doorstep or in the bed of his pick-up truck. Second, I don't want to escalate things so much the he retaliates by, say, leaving a bunny on fire on my doorstep.

So, any suggestions for how to best return this bunny?

Joke-Filter: What is the origin of the joke with the punch-line "rectum damn near killed him"?

xdeliriumx — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:09:56 -0800

Joke-Filter: What is the origin of the joke with the punch-line "rectum damn near killed him"? Bonus points if you actually have the set-up to the joke (if there is one). This has been referenced many times in movies/tv/etc. like Black Sheep when Chris Farley's character is talking to the Rasta dudes.

Text-Message-Sized Love Notes

chara — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 11:33:16 -0800

My SO and I have completely opposite work schedules, so often the only way we can communicate for days at a time is through notes and text messages. I'm looking for cute and unique little poems and phrases to send him throughout the day to send him. My favorite examples are inside: Por ejemplo, this Shel Silverstein poem:

I know you little, I love you lots,

my love for you could fill ten pots,

fifteen buckets, sixteen cans,

three teacups, and four dishpans.

I also enjoy sending him cute one-liner jokes and pick-up lines, anything beyond the usual "I love you! You're cute! I'm thinking of you!"

Thank you, Hive Mind!

The guard yells "Twelve!" and the man responds...

specialagentwebb — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:35:13 -0800

A man wants to enter a city, but only knights can enter the city, so he decides to see how the knights do it. ...What's the punchline? A Stranger on Omegle was telling me this story/joke, but wouldn't tell me the punch line! I know I've heard the joke before, but I'm finding it nearly impossible to google for, since it's such a loose set-up. It's killing me! Here's the set-up:

A man from out in the country goes to a big city, but the city is closed, and is only allowing knights in through the gates. Undeterred, the man resolves to watch the knights and see how they're gaining entry.
Soon enough, a knight comes by. The guard on the wall yells down "Eight!" and the knight responds with "Four!" The guard opens the gate and the knight enters.
A second knight comes by, and the exchange is repeated, only thsi time, the guard yells "Six!" and the knight yells "Three!"
The man by this time figures that it's pretty easy, so he walks up to the gate, and the guard yells "Twelve!"

What does the man respond with? It wouldn't be "Six", because that would make the whole story a little pointless. "Six" has 3 letters, but "Eight" has 5, so that doesn't work either. Help me, Hivemind, before I go insane!

Who fell from the floor up to the balcony and broke the front side of their back?

mbatch — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:06:17 -0800

Can anyone remember a silly "poem" that has the line: "and then they fell from the floor up to the balcony and broke the front side of their back" When I was young, my grandfather had a number of nonsense rhymes and silly tongue-twisters. For example:

One bright day in the middle of the night
two dead boys got up to fight

back to back they faced eachother
drew their swords and shot one another

two deaf policemen heard the noise
and came and killed those two dead boys.

The poem I am asking about is, obviously, in a similar vein.

Need joke writing advice

atm — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:59:57 -0800

I need help figuring out how to write stand-up comedy style jokes. It may seem like a contradiction but the thing is that I understand the technical construction of existing jokes, it's just that I can't seem to figure out how to write one of my own. My specific problem is that I don't know how to extract a punch line out of an idea for a joke. How do you do that? I have a good sense of humor and I have an original way of thinking so I think I may have some potential to put something of some kind together. I hope someone(s) will understand what I mean and be able to help. Thanks!

The elusive joke. Help me remember!

routergirl — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:48:56 -0800

Help me find a joke I once heard. Apologies for the vague details. It is about a young kid who is going to be in a Shakespearean play for school. He studies his lines over and over, but worries he'll screw them up. He does, but in such a way that the rhyme and meter is not damaged, however, they contain sexual and crude references. In fact, his lines, as he says them, are close enough to the original lines that it impressed me with its cleverness.

Unfortunately all googling has failed me, so with this wealth of unasked mefi questions piling up on my account, I thought I would use one to ask all of you. Perhaps one of you has also heard it? The person who told me is someone I lost touch with some years ago, and since he told me the joke over 10 years ago, I imagine he won't remember it to repeat it for me on command.

You think puns in one language are bad...

[ixia] — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 01:24:57 -0800

Bahasa Indonesia speakers! My late, beloved grandmother was an expert in dreadful multi-lingual puns. Help me remember a silly joke she used to tell about roosters. This joke can only be told well by someone who speaks heavily accented English, and you need to know a little Indonesian to laugh at the punchline.

Here is what I remember of the joke:

One evening, a woman is hurrying along the street, carrying her shopping. A man is running towards her, not looking where he's going. He crashes into the woman and knocks all her groceries into the gutter.

"Oh!" says the man. "I am sorry, I am sorry!"

The woman looks afronted. "Ayam sore? AYAM SORE?!"
[English translation: A chicken in the evening? A CHICKEN in the EVENING?!]

The woman then yells something at the man which translates in English to: "A rooster in the morning!"

What is this punchline in Bahasa? And where is the pun, slang or implied insult which I remember made the joke so funny? It could easily have been something a bit risque - her English jokes were fairly ribald!

I'll probably never tell this joke as well as she did, but I will send an enormous plate of love and virtual tempeh goreng to anyone who can help me remember how it went.

How do I stop being the butt of all the jokes?

dragontail — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:08:08 -0800

Grr, how to stop being the butt of all the jokes and defend... it's getting annoying! To explain the situation: I've always been the one in a group to get the mickey taken out of.

I do make a good target though: being quite ditzy, slow, and lacking wittiness to respond to jokes directed at me. The group clown as you will. Pretty sure you all know what I'm on about :) Also, in group conversations, I tend not to say much, usually letting the rest of the group do the talking. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite comfortable with speaking - this is not about confidence. It's just since I can't "control" the conversation as well, the jokes tend to targeted more towards me. Lastly, I'm Asian, so usual racist "token" banter is present on top of everything. lol.

This usually doesn't really bother me too much, but I'm not spending the rest of my life being steamrollered by everyone else. Also, ever noticed that generally, the alpha(s) (fe)male(s) [aka the leader] in the group don't get any of this crap? They somehow turn the few they do get thrown at them against the guy who pitched the joke, usually with style to boot. I want to know how they do that.

So to sum it up:

1. How to stop being the clown? How do the alphas deal with it? What's the secret here?

2. Okay, everyone is going to get the mickey taken out of them at some point. How do I say: "Enough crap. Cut it out!" in a friendly manner? Key word here being friendly. I mean, being aggressive results in profanity, which alienates people. So how do you do it?

3. BONUS: How do you learn to be more witty so that you can turn the tables?

"Guess what?" "What?" "THAT'S what!"

grumblebee — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 07:22:55 -0800

When I was a kid (in the early 70s), this baffling "riddle" was all the rage in the schoolyard: A: "Guess what?" B: "What?" A: "THAT'S what!" I thought this was a quirky but of Southern Indiana nonsense, but my wife -- who hails from Alabama -- also remembers it from her youth. What does it mean? What's its origin? Just to be clear: one kid walks up to another and says, "Guess what?"

"What?" asks the second kid (the straight man).

"THAT'S what!" says the first.

The last line was always said in a "gotcha" voice, is if the second kid was a moron and should have known the answer all along.

So I get that it's a weird sort of schoolyard insult/trick. And I can appreciate the absurdity of it (the nonsense quality). But I still feel like I'm missing something. And I'm sure that I -- and most of the kids who engaged in this ritual -- had no idea what it meant. We just did it like we recited certain nursery rhymes without knowing what they meant.

Does anyone know the origin? I'm surprised it co-existed in both Indiana and Alabama. Presumably, it existed it other places, too. I'm wondering if (maybe in some altered form) it comes from some pop-culture comedy show from the time -- maybe something like "Laugh-in."

Do-My-Kid's-Homework-Filter

LoraxGuy — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:37:58 -0800

There is one sure way to keep water from comng into your home. What is it? So that's my blow-the-weekly-question this time 'round. It's 6th grade homework time, and I've helped the kid with all the other stupid "logic" puzzles. This one I can't remember.

It's in a league with other zingers like:

Q. What animal can jump as high as a house?
A. Any animal - houses don't jump

Q. What can you put in a bucket to make it weigh less?
A. A hole.

I AM THE VINDOW VASHER

xorry — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 02:10:23 -0800

Quick! What is the joke about the vindow vasher? My friends and I are going nuts! ..and looking up salmon PR)N.

Not so itsy bitsy.

thisisnotkatrina — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 17:21:47 -0800

Where (online) can I find a toy camel spider or something that looks remotely similar? Can't believe I'm wasting a question on this.

A friend is currently stationed in Afghanistan. He's expressed the desire for me to find a big plastic spider (as big as a baseball, he specified) to send to him to play jokes on people with. He said if I can't help him scare people over there I'm going to have 4 months of being scared to put up with when he gets home. Eek!

I have looked everywhere imaginable and googled every possible string of words I could think of and I'm coming up empty handed.

The best I can find is this. It's about the right size but a little too dark, (I'm guessing), I'm afraid to look at more pictures of camel spiders to check their colors though, haha, so I'm not sure if they vary.

Any leads would be greatly appreciated!
Just think, by helping you are really and truly supporting the troops. Haha, well, one of them, not the unlucky victims of his jokes.

If I'm late, think what her husband's saying.

lorimer — Sat, 24 May 2008 07:14:47 -0800

explain-this-joke filter? "Hey, if *I'm* late, think what her husband's saying." (from The Talented Mr. Ripley) That's a throwaway one-liner early in the movie, one of the first lines we hear from the callous playboy Freddy; he says it when he's showing up late for meeting an equally callous-playboy-type friend.

Is there a joke to get? Is it just "I had sex with a married woman and now she and I are both late to our next appointments, so her lateness will make her husband wonder where she was"? The only clue (or not) is that later in the movie, Tom Ripley, after shouting to someone else that Freddy's drunk, mutters to himself: "Hey, if *I'm* drunk, think what her husband's saying."

Random question but I just love that movie and want to understand all of it. (Links to discussion or other good stuff about that movie are also welcome!)

(PLEASE AVOID SPOILERS in case people reading haven't seen this awesome movie yet :))

Who came up with this joke?

Kevin A — Fri, 16 May 2008 08:55:21 -0800

People often say: "The best way to make a small fortune in [insert industry here] is to start with a large one" Who first came up with this joke, and what industry was the joke originally about?

Why can't Turner be pink?

reflecked — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:43:04 -0800

I want to explain clearly and simply why a joke I was told is racist. Embarrasingly, all I can come up with right away is: If the joke needs to perpetuate racial stereotypes in order to be funny, then it's not funny. I was told this joke:

"A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

When I said it was racist, I got poopoo'd. I said "Tell it again, and don't specify the men's skin colours... is it stiil funny? If it is, then why does skin colour come into it?".. and dropped it for the moment.

Is there a compelling phrase that I can use that will be more convincing? Am I overthinking this?

The joke was told to me by my daughter. Several people overheard our discussion and disagreed with me (yes, I am re-evaluating some friends). I could pull rank on her, but I'd prefer to educate her. I did a search on the joke. I didn't find much.

Also, I'm sure I have heard this stinker in the past, with another man's name being part of the punchline.

What is this sort of joke called?

coizero — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 16:06:12 -0800

Is there a name for this style of joking? Set-up: Person A asks a question. Punchline: Person B -- by pretending to misunderstand the question -- gives an unexpected response. The Marx Bros used this style a lot, and I see it over and over on "Flight of the Conchords. " ALSO: Can anyone offer further examples of this? Thank you so much! :-)

Good Car Practical Joke

fieldtrip — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:36:50 -0800

Our friend left her car in front of my house for the weekend. What are some awesome, cheap, reversible, pranks and/or decorations to welcome her home? Originally, I wanted to make a paper mache stegosaurus but we are lazy and cheap. So far we have come up with writing For Sale and her phone number on the windows, adding offensive bumper stickers, or high school class of 2008—Seniors Rule! But, surely, mefites know best. Details: Car is a silver Saturn Ion, 4 door sedan. Car is parked on not busy street. We don’t have the keys. This is in Denver so all manner of supplies should be readily available if sold on the weekend.

Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke

limeonaire — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:38:33 -0800

Where/when did the phrase "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" originate? I've seen/heard it in a lot of different places, and associate it with the Church of the SubGenius. The guy in the cubicle next to mine says it originated with Bette Midler. A quick Google finds evidence that she said that 1979ish—but does anyone have an earlier Bette Midler reference for the phrase? Or, alternately, know whether this phrase gained currency anywhere else before that?

There's a joke in this negative space, I just know it...

mysterious1der — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 10:02:08 -0800

I'm looking for fun things to do with a soda machine sized nook. Our office had, until recently, a soda vending machine (the wide, squattyish kind). The machine is now gone, and I've heard that we'll be getting a new one (switching from a good-ol'-boy-friend-of-a-friend deal to a real Coke distributor). Until then, there's a "hole" in the side of the hallway that my whole workplace walks past every day. It's probably 5 feet wide, maybe 6 or 7 deep. I've made a few wisecracks since the machine left ("I heard the next new hire has to use this as his office") but I'm looking for weird stuff to do with/put in this space. I'm willing to put in a fair amount of elbow grease into a worthy project.

I've thought of hanging a random human skeleton model (like jr high science class had) behind some cardboard "bars" to make the whole thing look like a jail cell with a sign on it ("The last one who griped about the AC"). Too bad we're so far from halloween.

Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

Kidding the living tripe out of all such collections

calico — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:55:00 -0800

What was the joke that Ring Lardner contributed to 'Favorite Jokes of Famous People' that was too exquisite for Dorothy Parker to reproduce? In one of her 'Constant Reader' columns, Dorothy Parker writes:

Out of Favorite Jokes of Famous People comes one ray of light, one breath of strange, new fragrance, one cool and silver star. That is the selection given by Mr. Ring Lardner. It is too frail, too exquisite to reproduce here, though I can scarcely tear myself away from quoting it.

I've been able to find Ellis Parker Butler's joke, seemingly from the same book, but sadly I have no idea who Mr Butler was (and if you've followed the link you'll see that his joke hasn't dated that well.) Can you help me with Ring Lardner's joke? And is it as funny as Mrs Parker suggests?