Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with jerks

You ate ALL MY PIZZA!

contessa — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 11:58:49 -0800

Is there a mathematical, economic, logical or game-theory name/description for the following scenario? Let's say you have two pairs of people: Pair A and Pair B.

Both pairs are ordering pizza. Pair A will not eat meat toppings, whereas Pair B wants meat toppings. Collectively all four decide to order two pizzas: one with no meat toppings (pizza #1) and one with meat toppings (pizza #2).

When the pizzas arrive, Pair A of course will only eat pizza #1. But Pair B are not committed carnivores; in addition to pizza #2 (which only they prefer) they also want to eat slices from pizza #1.

At the end of the meal, Pair A have had to struggle to get a "fair" share of pizza #1, whereas Pair B have helped themselves to both pizzas.

What's this called? (Besides "being jerks"?)

Help me keep my cool.

photoslob — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:33:41 -0800

I yelled at someone tonight who deserved to be yelled at but I now really wish I could have kept my cool. How does one keep their cool while getting the point across to someone that they're incompetent? Here's the background: I've been doing preproduction for a job while juggling other jobs for the last week and a half. To say I've been stressed out is an understatement. I've dealt with so many people over the last few days that have been professional and in some cases not extremely easy to deal with but we've all worked together to get the job done. But one guy, just one guy, has been a total tool. He's a vendor that I was renting gear from and when I called him this week to talk he gave me the big blow off - he acted like a total jerk. This is not out of character for him. I decided I didn't need to deal with him since there was another rental house I could deal with.

Tonight he called and was pissed that I didn't call him back to secure the rental. I simply stated I didn't need his gear. He then decided to dress me down and I finally blew a gasket and told him he wasn't the only game in town and that he was a jerk. I was screaming at the guy. Kind of embarrassing now that I think about it.

So, my question is this - how does one suffer fools professionally without losing it? I'm a nice guy but I have a temper - not a short fuse but I will blow up when pushed. Doesn't happen often but when it does I always think later I should have handled the situation differently.

Any advice?

How do I placate neighbors irritated by noise?

HeroZero — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 13:09:46 -0800

How do I peacefully coexist with irritable, belligerent neighbors? Behold my tale of woe:

I'm an obsessive pacer, sometimes. In August I got a note on my door addressed to "Upstairs Neighbor" from "Downstairs Neighbor" asking me to stop the pacing because it was so loud. I was really embarassed. I bought slippers, became hyper-sensitive about my footfalls. The soundproofing in the apartment is exceptionally poor between floors -- I've heard the downstairs couple fight many times. But anyway, I became more aware of it and there were no more complaints.

Cut to September. I get a new roommate who waits tables. She comes in late at night, and though I'd warned her about the downstairs neighbors, we received another nasty note (nota bene: they know our names, we know theirs, yet the notes are always addressed to "upstairs neighbors" and signed "downstairs neighbors"). One time, when my roommate was walking around and apparently causing a ruckus, the husband came upstairs and knocked on the door. I opened it, and without so much as hello he started yelling at me. My roommate went down and clarified the situation for him a few minutes later.

Now, once every week or so, we get banging on the ceiling, usually around 9 pm (that's when the husband, who has to wake at 4:30 for work, goes to bed). We don't listen to loud music or TV -- at least, the complaints have never been for that. Once I was petting my dog and her tail was wagging against the floor, and the downstairs neighbors started banging on the ceiling for that. Last night, I can only assume that my roommate and her boyfriend were having sex -- I couldn't hear the sex, but I could hear the downstairs neighbor banging repeatedly (i.e. three separate instances of knocking).

I think people should be allowed to have sex. I think we've made reasonable accommodations to the folks downstairs. I am sure that the noises are loud and annoying for the people downstairs, but at the same time, we live in Chicago and I feel like noise is a fact of apartment living. The downstairs neighbors have treated us with nothing but contempt. The real problem seems to be the soundproofing, not my or my roomate's behavior. Every time the downstairs neighbors knock on the ceiling, I get all angry and riled up . What can we do? Am I being unreasonable? Are they being unreasonable? Should we make a peace offering by baking them cookies and inviting them to our Holiday party on Friday? Should we, as I adolescently fantasize, leave an elegantly wrapped box of earplugs on their doorstep?

broken jerk detector?

LN — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 07:17:20 -0800

Help me fix my jerk detector. Admins: if this is considered chatfilter, please feel free to delete.

I've been single for about six years. I've had two long-term relationships in my life, and a slew of first dates that never went further (I'm on OKCupid). In a fit of self-searching and review, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm unable to differentiate the decent guys from the jerks, or whether there is something inherently wrong with the way I'm doing things.

The guys I usually fall for (including both LTRs) seem like nice, decent guys when I meet them (I should mention that I'm usually attracted to geeks). Smart, funny, interested in similar things as me, holding down a good job, etc. To anybody looking in from the outside, they seem like a good choice. Behind closed doors, however, they turn into selfish, controlling arseholes who seem to want a girlfriend to satisfy whatever their wants might be whenever they want it, then remain silent and unobtrusive arm-candy the rest of the time. LTR #2 actually forbid me from showing any affection to him while his friends were around, and forbid me from talking to his friends.

I believe that relationships are supposed to be two way streets. I offer to either "go dutch" or alternate picking up the tab when I go out with someone, I make an effort to find out what the guy is interested in so I can have a conversation with him about it, I make an almighty effort to switch off my judgement of a person based on looks alone. I've never considered myself to be a shrinking violet, but maybe I am?

Hive Mind, what are some good strategies for weeding out these wolves in sheep's clothing? Or alternately, what are some things I could do differently to prevent this kind of thing from happening?

Self-disclosure: I don't consider myself arm-candy, either. I'm certainly not what you'd call a "conventional" arm-candy girl; I'm serious, shy in crowds, way too smart for my own good, not afraid to plunge headlong into a serious discussion about something. Friends tell me I come across as "dignified".

How do you tell creepy jerks to bugger off NOW?

wonderwisdom — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 12:28:04 -0800

CreepyGuyFilter -- my lovely wife is getting harassed and hit on (mainly at the grocery store) by different creepy guys. It is making her *very* unhappy, freaked out, and feeling dirty. What is the best approach for her to deal with this in an assertive and satisfactory way? There is... Here is what just happened an hour ago -- she called me and told me about it:

Produce Aisle:
(After seeing this guy several times, creepily, around the grocery store, not *quite* following her, this is what happens:)

Wife: (looking at carrots, minding her business)
Creepy Old Guy: "I wonder if your husband would mind if I took *you* home with me."
Wife: "Uhhh, yeah, he would." (walks away quickly)

She is quite attractive, and dresses very modestly. She is shy, she does *not* smile/talk to strangers, especially men. (It took me months to even get her attention - lol) I love her very much for just this - her beauty, her modesty, and her stubborn streak. She just asked me "What do I say in response to these jerks at the grocery store? I want them to feel 3 inches tall!"

I (jokingly) said to go ahead and pepper spray them in the face, but that wouldn't be constructive. I don't want her to piss anybody off so she might be in danger, but this happens almost *every time* she goes to the store. It makes me very angry and worried for her. I am a dude with training in the deadly arts, but I'm at work when she goes to the store -- I feel powerless. She left the store today without all her produce because she was so freaked out. Help!

How do you deal with a jerk among friends?

Anonymous — Sat, 27 May 2006 11:31:26 -0800

How do we deal with the “cool guy” who has decided we are beneath him? Background:
My husband and I are friends with a wonderful group of people, with ages ranging from early 20’s to mid 30’s. We get together at least twice a month for game night, movies, and dinners. One of the other friends in this circle is a male, early twenties, and in college. He was introduced to us about a year ago, and he frequently hangs out with various members of the group on his own time (as do we).

The issue:

When we were first introduced to him I thought it was a little odd that he made no attempt to speak with us, or even say hello or goodbye to either of us. Once in a while he will include my husband in the conversation, but it is usually to prove his point in some way. To my husband in particular he is arrogant, rude, and always asks my husband to justify things or decisions to him when there is no reason to at all. To sum it up, he always needs to argue, come across as the smartest one, and he downplays any input or opinions my husband or I have every time we say anything.

It has gotten to the point that we don’t like to speak when he is around. We have asked the other friends about him and we get replies such as, “He likes to test people,” and, “He likes to argue.” We aren’t overly sensitive people- it is just that I feel that debate has a time and a place, and my husband and I don’t know him well enough to feel like he is someone we can trade barbs with, debate, and be scathing with. He has made no attempt to get to know us at all, despite us asking questions about him and trying to show an interest. The most basic comments my husband makes (even a simple thing as saying that he doesn't like salt on his popcorn) are swung back in a dergading fashion and it is exhausting. We don't want to have to break out a text book for every conversation for fear of being ridiculed.

To everyone else this guy is considerate, intelligent, witty, friendly, and fun. To my husband he is a complete jerk, and treats both us like we have no place being in the same room with him. The rest of the group is very nonconfrontational and treats his behaviour like he is just being sarcastic, witty guy. I guess they don't see that he doesn't treat us in any other way than that.

Is there anything we can do besides find a new circle of friends?

Obnoxious friends

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:37:41 -0800

How do I deal with my boyfriend's obnoxious and embarrassing friends? I like (love...?) my boyfriend. He is cute, funny, sexy, sweet, and kind.

Unfortunately, I don't like some of his friends very much. While a some of them are very nice, there are a couple of them who I absolutely cannot stand.

One friend "Joe" is particularly noxious. He is loud, bigoted, ugly, and crude. To give you some idea of what he is like, I haven't seen a photo of him without a rebel flag being used as a backdrop. He has a disdain for "faggots" and yeah you get the picture...

My boyfriend has known these white trash pals since childhood and highly values their friendship. Next tuesday I'm going up to his place and I have to spend the whole day with these chumps tagging along.

What should I do? Is the relationship doomed to failure if I can't stand his mates?