Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with jealousy

NOT the Maid of Honor disappointment--swallow or confess

lovingkindness — Mon, 13 May 2013 07:38:11 -0800

This seems petty, but I am sincerely and exorbitantly bummed out (with some jealousy and hurt feelings to boot) that MY best friend didn't choose me to be her maid of honor. I'm clearly the next-in-line bridesmaid, but I haven't as of yet achieved many positive feelings about the honor I've received, but would like to, and as quickly as possible. (Let me say first that she chose a longer-established childhood friend, not a sister, which I would have accepted very easily.) So what am I asking? I'm jealous; I'm hurt; I was a little surprised. I was even more hurt because she announced it in one of those cute "Will you be my bridesmaid?" letters in the mail rather than over the phone. Lastly, I should say that I'm going through a breakup of a 3 year relationship at present (it has only been a couple weeks) so I'm not emotionally at my best and this just makes me extra sad when I'm sitting here thinking about how it would have been a boost to be chosen. This sounds stupid, but this is another thing that is making me feel a bit alone and rejected just now, you know?

What I'm trying to ask is how to handle this as gracefully as possible. Part of me thinks I need to have a good cry and unload-my-feelings session with her (this is how I normally get over hurt feelings, by confessing them with total honesty. I almost never keep my feelings secret from people I'm close to, and everyone knows and seems to accept this about me. Do I tell her I'm sad and disappointed but I'm going to get over it asap and be an awesome bridesmaid? Or can I successfully swallow this and leave this an unstated disappointment between us (I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel, just because she would)? Advice? (There's almost a year to the wedding date so I have some time to address my feelings and I'm sure they'll be less fresh soon, etc.)

How do we deal with adults acting like teenagers?

Trexsock — Mon, 06 May 2013 05:33:48 -0800

How to deal with a snowball of special snowflake drama from supposed friends and set clear boundaries when they are being clearly unreasonable. Related to the last question I posted whereas slightly different. (Yes I took the advice and brought it up to her and we've discussed the issue... this kinda spawned from it whereas not from our side):

This question is for me and my girlfriend (Q - aged 26); she has a best friend (M - aged 21) who she's been friends with for a good few years now. They used to talk every single day online pretty constantly before we got together. They were a sort of support system for each other while going through some shitty times - both suffering from depression and M with severe anxiety to top it all off.

Myself and my gf made friends at the same time as myself and M, as well as a 4th person (C - aged 21). For a while, we were all good friends but then me and Q started getting closer and chatting on webcam every night for around 8 hours or so. This caused an issue with both M and C, as they said they could tell when we were chatting together as we both started ignoring them. Both M and C have an issue they've talked about before where they are afraid of people leaving them and being ignored, so myself and Q think this factors into their reaction quite a lot.

M and Q have been having a lot of issues because of all this; they've had lots of arguments where M makes Q feel like she's the one in the wrong all the time, and as if she's not considering M's feelings when I know that she has been doing quite intensely.

M claims that Q is ignoring her because she doesn't reply to messages straight away, and that she's been "dumped" for me because she now has everything she needs in her relationship with me.

Meanwhile, C and M have been getting closer and closer during this time. C makes passive aggressive posts on her blog, vague enough that people who don't know what's going on wouldn't think anything of it, but completely obvious to us that they're about me and Q. She took it upon herself to talk to Q online, getting really pissy and angry about how Q wasn't considering M's feelings and that she was "skirting around the issue", which Q quite rightly got pissed off at. She gave C a piece of her mind about not getting involved, since it wasn't anything to do with her, and then she seemed like she backed off.

On the same day, M and Q decided that they should have a "friendship break" for two weeks to see if they can take a step back and sort things out and then see if they can be friends again afterwards. All well and good, but still feeling super teenagey. So that was going well right up until last night, when Q got an anonymous message being rude about a hairstyle she's considering - it was quite obvious it was from one of the parties above, because the grammar and writing style was identical. Q responded in kind, leading to more anonymous messages getting pissed off at her reactions. In the end, M and C unfollowed both myself and Q on this blog, leading to myself unfollowing them too. I got a message from M afterwards explaining, and saying that she didn't want me to take it personally because it was only temporary and that it was weird for her to see my posts from Q. I replied fairly reasonably, but then M's housemate (L - aged 22) decided to get involved and send me messages too, saying that I was attacking M and that I should keep out of it.

Sounds somewhat hypocritical to me, and again, feeling a lot like being 15 and in high school. Messages went back and forth between me and L where she got really aggressive and said that Q should start thinking about how her actions are affecting M.

So I think that basically the point is: how the hell do we deal with all this drama? It's making me and Q really stressed out and increasing my own anxiety. I know Q doesn't want to cut contact forever with M considering how close they are, but the fact that she's just getting other people involved is really getting to Q.

I would, myself, prefer to cut contact but obviously that'd be a strain to the relationship and it's not something I can honestly demand out of anyone, least someone I care so much about. On the other hand, it's been so much stress and drama in such a short amount of time that I am at my wits end about all of this.

PS: Me and Q have been able to talk about all of this and can not figure out the best solution to take, hence this post. Things are great between us, but -- at least from to me -- this situation is really taking a toll, whereas not heavy, in the relationship.

Writers, how do you cope with being jealous of other writers?

angrycat — Thu, 02 May 2013 16:08:53 -0800

Folks I know get published! Yay them! Go them! But shamefully, it.. the ...the flames, flames...on the side of my face...breathing...heaving breaths. How do I tame my inner envy monster? So, once in a while I hear about a contemporary writer who got A Big Publishing Deal and because I know them via FB and twitter, I am carpetbombed with their understandable pushing of their book. I feel guilty even considering blocking them, because I want to be proud of them. But ZOMG the red mist after I get the fourth message about a different book signing or press clipping or whatever. Writers, you who are more sane than I, how do you deal with it?
p.s. I am in therapy, so, got that covered. Also, I am not jealous of any metafilter writers. Seriously. Just real-life people. Really.

So very jealous.

Trexsock — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:08:37 -0800

How do I deal with this jealousy? Let me preface this by saying that I've never been a particularly jealous person and that I've never had this problem with past relationships. Furthermore, my past long term relationship included my partner going out with friends often and I've never even felt slightly as I do now.

I'm a female (early-mid twenties) in a relationship with another (mid-late twenties) female. We haven't been together for very long (nearing a month now) and currently occupy the same space. Not to detract from the question being asked, but this has happened because my previous relationship turned abusive and well, one thing turned to another and I ended up here.

Now, I realize I have problems of the mental health kind (I've been diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, and suspect I have some form of anxiety disorder) and have started the process to look for help for these: have already registered with the nearest health center, etc. However, it may take a long time to actually be seen by a Doctor/Therapist at all and I have no means (or funds) to resort to the private health sector.

For my actual question: Right so, my partner has a very good friend (female) she's known for years. They talk on a daily bases and they're often seen texting each other to and fro.

And this... it really really really really really bothers me.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know they're irrational and I know that it's not that I don't trust her. I really just don't know how to fix this about myself. A glance at her when she's typing on her phone will send me to the verge of tears, which is pretty stupid (of myself). I'll, of course, mention this to the doctor/therapist/psychiatrist whenever I see them, but until them. How can I possibly help this?

Also, It's not that I feel uncomfortable talking to her about this as much as feeling that it really it has nothing to do with her, or at the very least, not directly. My problematic feelings are the issue here, not hers. I feel incredibly selfish and self-conscious to even feel like this, least bringing my feelings up.

Thanks in advance for the insight.

Dealing with a lack of jealousy

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 17:33:20 -0800

I seem to have a near-total lack of romantic jealousy. It's not that I've never experienced jealousy or can't relate to it, just that my dial seems to be turned down unusually low. This can be disruptive to dating and relationships, and I need some advice on how to deal with it. Details: I'm straight, male, early '30s, and this has been consistent and increasingly noticeable for at least ten years.

First, it obviously makes me less inclined to monogamy. Even if I'm very emotionally & physically intimate with someone, it wouldn't bother me if they were equally intimate with someone else. And it feels odd to agree to something myself that I don't even want from them.

That might sound like I'm "poly," but I can't relate to that either, even after talking with some smart friends who identify that way. It doesn't feel like part of my identity. And if I find someone to settle down with, I expect I'll wind up monogamous (at least on my end) and be perfectly happy that way.

Actually, my inclination is the opposite of the long-term couple who decides to "open" their relationship: I feel like once I moved in with someone, I'd probably rather be monogamous, but before that, I don't see much point to it. My reasoning is that it's hard enough to find someone who's a good match in other ways, so you should take the easiest and lowest-drama option as far as exclusivity. When you're living together, it feels easier to be exclusive; anytime before that, it seems easier not to be.

To state the obvious, most women I meet do not share this view, or even quite know what to make of it (even though I live in a big liberal cosmopolitan city). Whenever I get involved with someone, she picks up on this trait and is really bothered by it. Everyone knows the stereotype (true or not) of how men are more reluctant than women to be be faithful themselves, but the idea that I genuinely wouldn't care what she does . . . even in great relationships with real long-term potential where I've agreed to be monogamous, we're hanging out (and having sex) frequently and I'm generally very affectionate, it seems to be a nagging source of stress and insecurity. Among other things, partners will invariably give me little "tests" like "my ex is in town," "this guy at my office is so hot," etc. - and get very frustrated when I don't rise to the bait and make at least a playful show of concern.

I don't think they're being deliberately manipulative. I think it's just one of the little games that many of us play, often only semi-consciously, to solicit affection and affirmation. Most people are at least a bit jealous and possessive of a partner they care about, so it's natural to interpret a complete lack of those things as their partner not really being that into them. But I just don't seem to be wired that way. I can be completely into someone, and the idea of her having another lover still doesn't feel any different than if she had a close platonic friend.

Can anyone relate to this? Is it maybe more common than I think? Sometimes I think that what I've just described is just the near-universal battle of the sexes among urban singles -- but then when I talk to single male friends, they don't seem to get it. Most are willing to allow their partner to see other people in order to keep that privilege themselves (again, the standard male stereotype), but none are indifferent to the prospect. For them it's a tradeoff. And that's a big difference.

I've thought about some other potential explanations, such as:

- for whatever reason I'm attracting (or attracted to) particularly insecure women

- i'm really NOT that into any of the women I've dated, and when I meet my real soulmate I'll be jealous again

- this is a symptom of another problem, like depression, narcissism, aspergers, sociopathy :) . . .

Without boring you with the details, I'm pretty sure that none of these fit. And FWIW I seem to be more or less average in terms of envy, vanity, greed and other neighboring sins.

So: what kind of women, if any, am I likely to be compatible with, and how should I be trying to meet them? Or should I just resign myself to only having casual and FWB relationships, or illicit affairs, or not dating at all? And if I'm otherwise compatible with someone, to what degree should I be willing to fake some jealousy to try to make it work?

How do you deal with jealousy of your spouse/partner?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 08:46:54 -0800

My partner and I are currently at rather different points in our careers. I have struggled for years to make a living out of freelancing in one area. I'm told I'm good at it but have never made it into a company that can offer me long term work, career development or support. My partner has a stable job in a multinational company and has just been offered and started training in my area, with a probable supported move into my area in the next couple of years. I am not dealing with this very well. Have you dealt with something similar, can you offer advice? The training she is being provided is diploma level and would take me 1 year full time and about $4k to complete. I have looked at doing this in the past and while I could scrounge the money I cannot afford the time.

The crux of the issue is that I am seriously struggling career wise at the moment, which is already a self-esteem issue for me. Watching my partner, who is significantly younger than me, go from strength to strength in her career and then move, fully guided and supported, into an area I love is just crushing my self esteem and harming our relationship. I'm extremely jealous and it feels horrible.

I am in therapy and the issues are all acknowledged, I think, but I am not having much success accommodating this situation into a healthy outlook on life.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I don't want to be the jealous girl.

cucumber patch — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 01:52:33 -0800

How do you dust yourself off and carry on after shy and awkward days? And how can I stop fixating on, comparing myself to, and feeling envious of a social, extroverted classmate? I guess the best way to clarify is with an example.

Background 1: I was recently tasked to take some exchange students on a tour of our home city. This is part of a university exchange program where we entertain them for a few weeks, and later will get the chance to travel overseas and visit their city. I was asked directly by one of my professors to do this, because I'd expressed interest in an exchange last year, and I was really pleased that he'd remembered me.

Background 2: There's a girl in my year who's very chatty and sociable. She prides herself on knowing who everyone is and is able to strike up a conversation with almost anyone. She also likes to make sure she's involved in school events, especially the ones involving networking, and has an uncanny ability get insider info and pull strings to get what she wants. Now, I know these are all qualities of an excellent networker, and I fully admit that any negative connotations in this paragraph are due to my own issues. I think she mostly gets on my nerves because although we have many sociable people in our year, she's the only one who does it so ... loudly. And by loudly I mean:

-- Inserting herself into conversations (in big groups this is okay, but when I'm trying to talk one-on-one with someone? ugh.)
-- Inviting herself along to events (sometimes I've discussed plans with other people not realising she's within earshot, only to have her say, "what's this, what's this?" and -- because we're a tight-knit cohort -- we'll be unable to turn her down when she wants to come along.)
-- Name-dropping, though I think probably unintentionally ("oh Dave lives in that building! Don't you know Dave? From second year?")
-- Saying hi to everyone who passes within eyesight (this only bothers me when we're partnered up and supposed to be doing work)
-- Her modus operandi is flirting, especially with the guys. This point of irritation is probably just my self-esteem talking. Though I do think it's unfair that some girls can use their looks to get ahead, from what classmates have told me that's not what draws guys in - it's her incredible ability to make small talk and put people at ease. Hell, half the time even I light up when she talks to me.

She's tolerated in our year level because she's younger than most of us (she's 20). And I want to note that I try my damndest to keep all this bitterness inside my head, and stay away from gossiping or venting about her to other classmates (though I've slipped with close friends). I really do try not to let on how irrationally annoying I find her, because that would be unprofessional.

Anyway, let's call her Olivia.

Last week while I was emailing a reply to my professor in the computer lab, she came up behind me, looked at my screen and said: "ooooh, what's that?" I explained about the exchange students and we chatted a bit, and then she cocked her head and went: "so.. how did you get into this?" And I knew something was brewing.

The tour was yesterday and I don't feel it went as well as I'd hoped. I consider myself a fairly social person too, but I was exhausted from morning class and found it a struggle to make small talk with the students and staff over the language barrier and my low energy. I'd brought a friend along and let him lead the tour, as it turned out he knew the city better than me. The students were all very nice, but afterwards I felt like I hadn't made any real connection and wondered whether it would've even made a difference if I hadn't come.

After the tour we were to hand them off to some older students for dinner, and the exchange students invited my friend and I along. When we got to the restaurant, lo and behold, there was Olivia sitting with the delegation of older students and waving at us. I actually felt my heart sink. For the rest of the dinner Olivia proceeded to charm the pants off the exchange staff and students while I sat there like my quiet high school self again.

Today there was supposed to be a welcome reception for the students, but I cited prior arrangements and went home instead. I know.. I gave up. I just couldn't face being there while Olivia was there. She's taking the students out clubbing tomorrow night as well, and I can't join because clubbing isn't my thing. I know I sound really bitter about all of this. I guess I just felt like I could have something for once that she wouldn't stick her nose into. I feel like I've just handed this whole opportunity over to her without a fight, and that I've let my professor down. I feel like I'm forcing myself to be someone I'm not -- a leader rather than a follower. I want to be able to do what she does, but I can't. :/

What can I do to save face, MeFites? How can I stop beating myself up over my insecurities?

Am I a bad person trying to control my partner?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 06:44:53 -0800

Am I a terrible person? My partner and I have been dating for 3.5 years, living together for one. In that time, he's cut off contact with two of his friends who were also significant exes. I know from AskMe and otherwise how much of a red flag it is when you stop talking to friends as a result of a relationship, and I'm concerned that I'm unintentionally being controlling.

The first ex was The One Who Got Away. They were never technically a couple in their 15 years of acquaintance, but always promised each other the future and shared closer intimacy than many of his actual relationships. They had a falling out a few years ago and broke up without explicitly saying so, and AFAIK continued to email and just ignored it. (They've never lived in the same place.)

For a long time I felt like I was secondary to her, and that he was just waiting around for her. This was exacerbated by the fact that we were long distance for some time, so how was emailing me different from emailing her? After a year of LDR it came out randomly that he never told her about being in a relationship because it "wasn't relevant" (although it turns out that she'd known all along via mutual friends). I let him know that was unacceptable, he admitted that I was right that he'd had her on a pedestal, and promised to do better.

Anyway, they continued talking by email and chat almost every day. It didn't help that she was "uninterested in relationships" and had few others in her life. Even after we moved in together, pretty much the only recurring fight we had was about her. I wasn't worried about an emotional affair at all, but he had a pretty severe case of mentionitis and hung on her word and approval in a way that made me really uncomfortable.

About six months ago, she said something that was a little too presumptuous in her right to comment on his life right after another big fight we'd had, and he decided harmony in our relationship was more important than continuing to talk to her, so they stopped communicating.

The other ex was his first significant girlfriend and the impetus for a decision that shaped much of his adult life. I have no problem with their friendship and like her a fair bit, and she's always been friendly to me and supportive of the relationship. They started IMing regularly again around the same time that he stopped talking to the first ex, and chat a fair bit during the work day and occasionally on the weekends.

Last week, I glanced at his laptop when I brought him a snack, and saw a message to her that was...not inappropriate as in cheating, but something you don't send another woman if you have a girlfriend. I called him out, he went from "what did I do?" to "holy shit what have I done" in about a half second, I left to clear my head, and when I got back he told me that they had mutually decided to stop talking for a while. He admitted that they had become more familiar than was appropriate, that he was absolutely in the wrong, and that he had blurred boundaries because he's known her for so long he thought of them more as two girlfriends. (She is apparently also furious at him, because she assumed that I'd been cleared about their kind of chatter.)

So now he's stopped talking to two of his best friends as a result of dating me, and I feel awful even though I also don't think I'm particularly in the wrong. I want him to have people he can confide in and I encourage him to reach out to friends, but I'd (selfishly) like those friendships to not come at the cost of my peace of mind. He's been closer with female friends (who are exes) than with male friends all his life, and I know one of the reasons he leans on far-away friends is because he doesn't have a great support network locally.

We've talked a lot about this, and he says that these are compromises that he is willing to make for the relationship and he doesn't expect to start resenting me for it. I've told him I would be okay if he wanted to keep talking to the second ex, but he says he doesn't want to deal with that. I know he hates making me upset, and I worry that my anxiety (which I am taking meds for and which he's been very supportive of) is making him suppress...something.

I'm the first girlfriend to move in with him, we love each other immensely, have fantastic chemistry, communicate well otherwise, laugh about everything, and spend 24/7 together without getting on each other's nerves. I want to think these two incidents are unique incidents that don't constitute a bigger problem pattern. I guess I'm asking for a sanity check that I'm not being super unreasonable or controlling. If I am, halp, how do I stop? Otherwise, how do I stop feeling guilty?

Am I wrong for getting a bad feeling about my boyfriend's dating coach?

ponytime — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 09:12:08 -0800

Started dating a great guy, he became my boyfriend probably a month and a half ago. A few weeks into the relationship we were talking and it turns out that he has a "dating coach" and he still meets with her in weekly phone calls because he enjoys her advice. This rubbed the wrong way and googling her, I found she's also totally hot. It just creeps me out that this totally hot woman has so much impact on my boyfriend's life. But my boyfriend pointed out that he also has lots of female friends and maybe he discusses our relationship with them too. To be honest that didn't make me feel any better, especially since I reduced the intimacy of a few male friendships when my boyfriend and I got more serious (I don't go out drinking with them at night alone or have long chats about relationship problems or whatever, though I still see them for sure and have great friendships with them....apparently things my boyfriend is doing with his female friends it turns out after the dating coach conversation). I'm just getting the impression that my boyfriend has a cadre of woman pulling the strings behind our relationship and it's not a positive feeling, but I also don't want to be a jealous creepster or anything like that. So I haven't really said anything about my negative feelings, but they keep nagging on me and I am feeling less attracted to him and stressed about us, which is worrying and unusual so early on in a relationship. I started worrying that maybe I'm the one who is insecure and I have no right to tell him about how to conduct his social life, and maybe I just need to bail and work on my own issues and then find someone who doesn't stress me out in this way :(

Friends, money and jealousy.

gadget_gal — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 09:48:03 -0800

I have a few new couple acquaintances that are on their way to becoming friends. Here's the trouble. As I get to know them more, i realize that there is a common thread about most of them. They are all quite pre-occupied with "how do i make more money" in life. I am ok with being driven etc. But the problem is with these friends there comes conversations that I don't like :Eg comparisons between friends, analysis on who is better off than them and who is not. I know they speculate about me as well (based on the - he gossips to you will gossip about you theory).

A few years ago, I had friends very similar to those that are popping back into my life now that talk about money so much. I have had these thoughts and conversations before. But since then, I changed my life dramatically, have since given myself freedom from being addicted to the goals of making money etc. I have transformed my life, lead a minimalistic life style. Have chosen to have fewer high quality friends than a large circle of friends i can't get to know as much as I'd like. I am now very happy than that former self. It feels like a deja vu. There is a real feeling of claustrophobia in me when people touch the money topic. Most of the times I feel like they are curious about me and my situation. How did i get to where I am. These are all nice people but very hungry for money, power, property etc. I am uncomfortable with those that spend so much time thinking about others rather than being pre-occupied with themselves. I am looking to add a few more meaningful local friends that I can hang with and be myself.

Q : Should I just keep on the path that works for me and accept that I cannot be comfortable and safe in forming a deep rooted friendship with these people. Or is this a practical thing that I just need to learn to ignore and continue getting to know them otherwise.

Friend has a new boyfriend - am I overreacting? Am I too jealous?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 09:26:59 -0800

I am jealous of the fact that my good friend is hardly around because she's got a new boyfriend. Very happy for her, but am very uncomfortable with my jealousy. Need some perspective and help dealing. I have a jealousy problem. I would like some idea of where on the normal spectrum I fall and also some of your lifehacks regarding how to deal with friend jealousy, in particular.

Generally I don't have many friends (which really doesn't bother me) and I have a few very good, very reliable friends with whom I am in sporadic contact with. I would say for each good friend, contact occurs with a maximum frequency of once in two days. Most times it's a text/IM interaction of around ten minutes, or half an hour if on the phone. Sometimes long emails. Phonecalls are very, very rare -- maybe once in two months max. So in my opinion I am pretty independent, and really not that clingy.

I am female, and I have a female friend (a good one, who follows the above "definition") who was single for a while. We are both students. She's a really sweet, wonderful and patient person, and we're good friends. She confided in me quite a bit, we go out for lunch maybe around once or twice per month. We used to check in with each other at least once a week. She got into a relationship with someone really awesome a few months ago. Our contact has dropped quite dramatically -- to around once a month.

Let me just put it out here that I am very very happy for her. She is a very good person and I really like her.

On an intellectual level, I accept that it's par for the course that a good friend, once in a relationship, would generally disappear. But my feelings in response to certain events seem to suggest that I'm exhibiting really abnormal reactions, ones that a mature adult should not be having.

1) She said she would come over one night. Waited for her the whole night, she never came and no explanation. I was hurt but never said a peep and let it go.

2) She hardly ever initiates contact these days. I do the initiating, and maybe once in a while to check in on her. Although she does tag me on Facebook once in a while. Not really a big deal I suppose.

3) In a moment of emotional weakness (I was undergoing a very stressful period and needed to simply get out of my mind for a little while, after a few weeks of trying to do it on my own) I asked her out to dinner, but she postponed the time.

The last one is where I started to get worried with my response. All she did was postpone the time! In response to her postponement, I texted her saying that we'll just do it after my busy period is over. I felt hurt after I thought, "Hmm, why do I have to compromise on anything, and her boyfriend and his friends get her 100% of the time?" (which I know, is really silly and kinda possessive) I thought of being gracious but I just couldn't arrange dinner because I thought I'd be too hurt to see her again. She texted back saying dinner was okay after all. After some thought and calming down, I agreed to it to (came up with the excuse that dinner was a superb time after all).

Is this normal? Am I hypersensitive/somewhere off the normal spectrum? What can I do to mentally bring myself back onto higher ground/into a better place? Specifically one where I can deal with her postponing without having a crazy overreaction?

Kindle self-help book recommendations

f3l1x — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 13:49:25 -0800

Looking for recommendations of effective books/workbooks/web resources on emotional intelligence, abandonment issues, anger, fear, jealousy, trust issues and self-compassion. Bonus points for including all of the above and being available on Kindle. I know you're supposed to catch onto a lot of this before you are 30, but I didn't, for one reason and another (see below). Result: general low-self-worth with frequent angry outbursts and patches of very controlling/mean/weird behaviour related to romantic jealousy. Oh and major co-dependent streaks.

I don't know whether my current relationship will weather the storm that's currently raging within (mostly within), but I do know that I need to do some serious work on me, NOW, and I would really love recommendations of effective books that will help me understand how to navigate my emotions like a grown-up and be nice to myself in the process. I'm ideally looking for stuff that has really helped clever people to get where they need to be, which is why I'm here rather than the google search box.

I am about to start seeing a CBT-based therapist for twelve weeks and thinking about looking at different kinds of therapy in the future (perhaps talking about issues from my past etc.), but in the meantime I just want to be reading as much good stuff as possible on my Kindle to make sense of some of this!

I would also love to hear of books that are about developing independence (or healthy interdependence, or whatevs) as a grown up, not feeling the need for a relationship and how to be nice to people without constantly people-pleasing and having no boundaries.

If there are books particularly about abandonment issues stemming from dads leaving and single mothers drinking, struggling financially, being scared of everything, and viewing romantic relationships as lifeboats for most of your childhood/adolescence, leading to anger, fear and jealousy in later life, then double triple bonus points.

Thanks in advance, folks.

How to deal with jealousy in a productive manner

sock puppetron on wheels — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 19:29:32 -0800

How to deal with jealousy in a productive manner? My boyfriend seems to like spending time out drinking with his friends more than he likes spending time with me. Wondering whether it's all in my head. I am in a happy six-year relationship with a great guy, let's call him Tom. Tom is handsome, witty (very!), intelligent, fun to be around, and a great friend. I love him very, very much and I have never been in a relationship anywhere near this good. We have been living together for four years (he moved to be with me when he finished college). He is 32, I am 40. Things have been going great, though I tended to get absorbed in my things and not focus on doing stuff with him, but we had A Talk about that and I have been focusing on some fun things to do with him, and just generally making better choices that show him that I do very much value spending time with him.

At Tom's job there are some fun young people who do similar work to what he does, and he started going out to bars & such with them maybe about six months ago. At first it was every six weeks, then every four weeks, then every week, then they went on a big four-day trip together, and then after that it's even mid-week sometimes (including coming home at 3 on a work night and calling in sick the next day), in addition to every weekend. He went from having zero social life to having a very lively one.

He just got back into town today (we went on separate Christmas trips). We haven't seen each other for a full week, and he just... didn't seem that excited to see me, I guess. I may be reading too much into things, but he had his hands in his pockets and wouldn't even hug me until I was like "hey c'mon I want a hug" after hugging him first. This was at lunch, and he told me he was going out with the gang before I came home from work. Okay, I guess. I mean, I know I *shouldn't* be bothered, right? But since I came home I am a bit bothered. It feels like he's more excited to see them than me.

And there was another aspect to this. He told me that one of the girls of the group, Sally, wants to get pretty drunk tonight and she asked him to drive her. So that's what he's doing tonight. He's said other things about Sally before, like how one night she had an emotional outpouring about Stuff and he and she were there alone after everyone else had left, and... I guess I had a weird feeling about it then and I have a weird feeling about it tonight, too. I would not be surprised if he ends up spending the night at her place, frankly. I hope I'm wrong, but ... I dunno, I guess this is the jealousy rearing its ugly head.

I had a minor freakout a few weeks ago, and he was like "Well, I don't know what sort of reaction you want from me", and I was like "I'm sorry for being so irrational, I'll get over it, don't worry about it, sorry I bugged you". But it's bugging me again tonight.

This is really messing with my head. I'm starting to have doubts about whether he really wants to be with me, or is just kind of going along with things. I start to see things in a new (bad) light, reassessing everything about our relationship until it looks not so great, and him like not such a great guy. I have been really happy until this recent stuff, and am still quite happy overall, but, well... I'm a heavily-medicated bipolar person and I honestly wonder if that's what's been keeping me so content all this time.

But then things run through my mind like the fact that he doesn't want to get married (and I don't push this since things are good between us), he's so much younger than me, he likes to drink a LOT (it is a very important priority for him, and he drove home drunk about two weeks ago despite repeated OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE GET A CAB I MEAN IT texts), untreated (and unwilling to treat) depression, and on and on. (And for the record, I do drink too, but much less, and at home only, and never drive after).

And I view myself in a terrible light, too, as part of this. I'm fat & ugly & don't want to have sex much (we do it about once a week), I'm *old*, I don't take an interest in his videogames, I tend to do my own thing at home a lot, I have a clutter problem, etc. It's all a big spiral of suck.

I need some help figuring out how to have a productive conversation with him about this. How do I indicate that I feel I was passed over and really wanted to spend time with him TODAY, so I'm hurt that he didn't even consider doing so with me? I mean, how do I do this without coming across as clingy, needy, jealous, insecure, bitchy? I keep catastrophizing about this in my head, thinking that I will drive him away forever if I even say anything. Maybe I just need a sense of perspective - can you help me with that?

Jealous, Possessive FWB

sucky_poppet — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 09:33:16 -0800

My FWB is Jekyll and Hyde, acting like a jealous boyfriend, then rationalizing it. When I try to talk to him about it he goes into denial. Help? We've been sleeping together for about a year and a half. At first, I was hoping to have a real relationship with him, but he kept insisting that he didn't want that, in a general sense. He has not had a girlfriend in 12 years, but has had a lot of undefined partnerships, some monogamous and some not. He says he is simply not wired for long-term relationships.

I accepted this reluctantly but eventually I got used to it and now it's pretty much what I want from him. We both saw other people along the way and had many talks about how neither of us are the jealous type. I tend to be poly-ish anyway.

Along the way, we drifted into a noncommittal monogamy. We both seemed to be on the same page with our attitude: we enjoy each other's company and sex together, but we're not restricting each other from other partners. But right now, neither of us want to bother with looking for anyone else.

We have both said we love each other. We haven't really said "in" love, and we both tell other friends we love them too. For me, it's a bit of a gray area and I don't see love as only for someone you'd want to marry or whatever.

However, here's the Jekyll and Hyde part: he has insisted at times that he doesn't love me, because he "doesn't do that anymore with anyone." When he says he loves me, he just blurts it out like he can't help it. When he says he doesn't, he's in one of his rationalizing moods. He will say things like "looks like I have a girlfriend even though I don't really want one." I have never referred to myself as his GF and I don't pressure him. In fact, I need a lot more alone time than he does and I am far from clingy or demanding.

He has told me he "knows I am in love with him." I have felt that way at times, especially early on. He's known all along that he could make it official so it's not like he's resisting because of me.

Twice now, he has acted jealous despite his self-image that he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body. When I tell other people about this behavior, they say he acts like he owns me, and I feel that way too. I really hate it.

Both times were times when we didn't have plans for the evening and I had plans with a male platonic friend (different guys) instead. FWB called me and I told him I couldn't talk because I was hanging out with the other person.

The first time he sent a snarky email, to which I replied with kindness because I thought he was hurt. It seemed to smooth things over. However, he bent over backwards to assure me it "wasn't about jealousy" and to tell me he didn't care if I hung out with or slept with other guys.

Operating on that assumption, I made plans with this other fellow a couple of nights ago (again, purely platonic). FWB called late, sounding drunk, and when I told him I couldn't talk because I was hanging out with Guy Pal, he hung up on me. Shortly thereafter, he texted me to say he was never going to speak to me again.

I was very angry and didn't reply. He texted me an apology yesterday morning, and then called and left a message. Both times he was very conciliatory, and claimed to be in a bad mood that had nothing to do with me. Finally I sent him a text back saying I would talk to him after I had calmed down. I really don't want to say anything I'll regret, because we are friends, but I think that's a really shitty way to treat someone.

He set up these rules for our relationship, but when I follow them, he gets pissed off. I'm expecting him to keep giving lip service to the whole non-jealousy thing, but I really don't believe it.

I don't know what to do. I don't expect him to be honest with himself. I expect more of the same "setting me up to fail" crap. What he has told me about his relationship history makes me think I'm one in a long line of non-girlfriends he developed feelings for and then got angry at them for it.

At one time I would have simply been his GF, had he wanted that. But now I'm so sick of his crap that I'm thinking of breaking it off. Even if he were my BF he wouldn't have the right to be so jealous of my friendships.

How do I have this conversation with him when he won't even acknowledge his behavior for what it is? And if it's DTMFA time, it's a bit too LTR-ish for the Miko script, so what are some things I can say to end this gracefully?

Three cats, two sisters and one stray, one new home: questions about best practice

Mrs Mutant — Sat, 08 Dec 2012 12:15:16 -0800

Mr Mutant & I are moving home soon, decamping to a larger home in the suburbs. We have what appears to us to be a complicated cat family strategy and need advice as follows. Suzi and Banshee, fixed sisters, about five years old, have lived with us since they were kittens. They have only known one home, our current flat.

Tom Tom, a fixed stray that adopted us last winter when Mutant saw him in the snow and started feeding the cat, has lived with us full time since June 2012. He'll be moving too.

Complications? The two sisters have been acting aggressive towards Tom Tom ever since he adopted us. He is the largest cat in the household but rather runs under the sink than fight. They appear to have developed an upstairs / downstairs tense peace, where Tom Tom rules the lower floors of our existing flat and the two sisters stay upstairs as often as possible although we do try to feed all cats in the same room.

We are hoping to move them all in one go and we are looking for advice on how to get maximum kitty bonding in the new house and hopefully resolve the tension/agression we assume is territorial. Options under discussion include:

1) Putting all three cats in one room and letting them bond over a common problem (new digs); this is Mr Mutant's favourite but may end in tears if not implemented right?

2) Re-establishing the upstairs / downstairs division and hoping they bond over the common problem. That would not be preferable

3) Just dropping them off in the lobby of new home and letting them find their own peace but it is probably better to gradually extend their territory.

Any other ideas/advice? They do not seem to respond to Feliway but I will have a go with that in the new house anyway. All of the cats are indoor only. Thanks in advance.

Need non-therapy therapies.

TheManChild2000 — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:25:06 -0800

I need therapy for really bad and unwarranted relationship jealousy and insecurity but I wouldn't be able to get started until sometime late January. What would be some alternatives I could pursue in the meantime? Short Version:
I have a great gf that I should have no issues with, but yet my head causes me all kinds of crazy issues anyway and I am suffering quite a bit. Talking to her, journaling, and exercise isn't enough. Need other ideas until I can get into therapy.

Sorry This Got Long version:
I'm out of a marriage that featured significant neglect: a decade of celibacy, zero intimacy of any sort, and awful loneliness and isolation. I'm a 41yo male if it matters. I have a great gf now but I'm all nutty and I kinda feel like it's my first relationship ever; I've completely lost any sort of instinctive comfort level for how things work normally and so anything less than us lying alone and wrapped around each other in bed with her whispering her love to me seems to just pump me full of neediness and insecurities. I've got jealousy issues too. It's so bad that I have crazy physical symptoms; my head tingles, my chest hurts, sometimes I stay awake all night, weight loss, etc. Of course I can't keep my head straight during these bad times either.

Some of things that add to the difficulty I'm having:
* Our lives are very busy, and so often we can't get quality alone time for weeks at a time.
* She's recently divorced too and so we're hiding our relationship for a while.
* Originally needy and insecure with me too, she's become secure enough that I now take up a healthy place in her life, meaning the crazy intense attention she paid me at the beginning has tapered off.
* She's ultra-social and also generally prefers being friends with men. So she goes out a fair bit, talks to everyone, texts her guy friends all day, parties with them, will let them crash with her if they're too drunk, etc.
* She's unusually attractive and has a wild, open, and magnetic personality, so she is hit on constantly.
* I have crushing self confidence and self loathing problems. Oh, and sporadic ED to boot.

On an intellectual level I truly trust her, have no problem with all of the above (although I recognize that they're challenges for someone in my state), feel she loves me and likes me, feel secure that she wants our relationship to continue and grow, recognize that she makes considerable effort to find ways for us to be in contact or together, appreciate that she is okay with me and my problems, and believe I'm the only one she wants to be with. I really have it so damn good. Intellectually I accept that I'm the best bf I can be, work hard to get better, give her the benefit of the doubt always, and accept that if shit goes south then it was always going to happen no matter what I did.

But I can't seem to get my emotional understanding to conform to the same things, and can't control the amplitude. I get wigged out often, in awful mentally and physically uncomfortable ways, and I really need to get control of it. I'm doing a pretty good job not inflicting this stuff on my gf, that's not the problem, it's just the getting control of myself that's my problem.

She understands and listens, but I can't dump everything on her always everytime. I journal. I repeat the serenity prayer as a mantra. I exercise. I get down the road. I take things day by day.

This stuff all helps in tiny ways, and I'm getting better, but I need to step it up because I am suffering quite a bit and for really no good reason and would like to be healthier sooner rather than later. What other things could I try?

Jealousy from the other side.

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 16:23:34 -0800

How to deal with jealousy from other men in my open relationship? My husband and I have an open relationship. I enjoy seeing other men but I've started to become weary of a pattern that I'm not sure how to deal with. The men I see will, more often than not, end up falling in love with me and want me for themselves. They know I'm married and happily so. I've done nothing to lead them on to think that I would run off with them. Some of the time they will just tell me their feelings and we can still carry on with a physical and friendly relationship. More recently, though, I've been dealing with some unhealthy jealousy on the man's part that has been extremely frustrating and has brought me to the point of taking a break from seeing other men for the time being.

It's like every so often I'll meet someone who is very into me but seems to be angered by the fact that I see other men and am happily married. For example there is one man who I'm good friends with and get on with very well. He's a well-adjusted kind man but sometimes he will express jealousy over my husband and tell me things like he wishes I would divorce my husband and be with him. Just the other day, a man I've been good friends with pretty much went off the rails and treated me awfully, then later texted me apologies and confessions that he is in love with me and just wants me for himself. That scared me and since I know others have these feelings for me, now I'm hesitant to carry on with those people in case they go nuts like the last guy did.

As for myself and my husband, we work so well together because we have incredible trust and zero jealousy. I'm just confused as to what to do with the jealousy I experience from other men and whether or not this is a common occurrence for people in open relationships.

Thanks in advance.

Email: openjealousy@gmail.com

I have a new friend, she has a giant Despair Squid.

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 06:44:12 -0800

"Emotional affairs" and being a good partner to someone with severe depression: I need a friend, but this new friendship is moving fast and I'm about 99% sure that my partner will be massively upset if she finds out. What do I do? I'm a lesbian in my early 30s, my partner is about the same age. We don't currently live together because she is having such a phenomenally hard time with... well, life, really. When we got together about five years ago, she was on antidepressants. They stopped working very well about two years ago, and it has been a rollercoaster ever since. Every now and then she finds something that seems to help... a little... for awhile. Diet, exercise, I think about a half dozen different medications now at different dosages.

But now she's just tanking so badly that we're having serious discussions about whether she needs to apply for disability. There are whole days where she basically can't stop crying, and she can't seem to construe anything anybody says in anything but the most negative manner. Someone asking her to hang out is making fun of her. If I don't text her back for an hour, I'm ignoring her; if I try to talk to her, I'm either criticizing if I say anything that implies her life could be better (even though she's openly miserable) or I'm showing off if I say anything about how my life is good. She's not suicidal that I can tell; she's had some self-harm issues on and off, but nothing that poses a long-term threat to her health. It's mostly a huge weight of sadness and hopelessness; she struggles with just getting out of bed many days.

It's a really rough time, but DTMFA is not on the table; this is an illness and I'm sticking around no matter what. But it could be, well, who knows how long until I'm able to just have a nice time with her again.

The thing is--I have a couple male friends who she considers non-threatening for the most part, but I'm not comfortable talking to them about a lot of things. I haven't had many close female friends for awhile. I've started talking to a girl now online who's on the other side of the planet and neither of us is talking about anything even close to sexual, but we have a ton in common and we chat, well, a lot. It's been great for me because I so desperately needed someone positive to talk to. I think she did, too. I feel like I finally have something to look forward to. But it is happening pretty fast, compared to any friendship I've had before.

I feel markedly better now about my ability to weather this, but there's a problem: If my girlfriend finds out, I'm pretty sure there are going to be hysterics about how she feels like I'm going to leave her for this new friend. And I can't figure out the ethical/"right" thing to do, here. Is it okay to conceal this if she's not likely to find out anytime soon, or at least minimize it and act like this is something that's sort of growing over months rather than a couple weeks from meeting to hours-long late night conversations? Or is this a sign that I really need to just step away from this new person because I'm getting overly invested?

Any other good resources for coping with this sort of problem long-term would be much appreciated, too, or for that matter thoughts on how to deal with treatment-resistant depression.

Dealing with insecurity in the BDSM/poly life

RockPuppet — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 10:15:42 -0800

BDSMfilter: Newbie male bottom + experienced poly top = insecurity vortex! Help! I'm a newcomer to the BDSM community in my city, and recently I met a woman who is very experienced in the local scene. We've gone to some events together and played in the bedroom a couple of times. This is the closest I've ever come to having a real "play partner", after many years of being alone with my kink.

I'm now starting to have strong feelings for her, complicated by the fact that she's polyamorous, something which is a totally new thing for me. I don't have a philosophical problem with the poly life, but experiencing it first-hand is making me aware of some of the emotional pitfalls that can come with it. I'm pretty insecure about dating at the best of times, and this takes it to a whole new level. She seems to enjoy my company enough to make time for me once a week or so, but she's not terribly demonstrative verbally — I truly don't know what, if anything, she thinks of me. We've never discussed the details of how she structures her relationships, and I have no idea how many partners she has. But just knowing that she has other, more experienced people to play with leaves me wondering what I could possibly have to offer her that she's not already getting elsewhere. I want to be able to relate to her as equals, but I feel like that's not possible when I'm in the dark as to what her expectations are, and whether playing with me is even meeting any of her needs.

I know that this is not a healthy dynamic, and I really, really want to communicate with her about this. I care a lot about her, and I'm excited about exploring this world together. But I'm wondering whether maybe the excitement is all on my end. It would be so great to know where we both stand, but I don't know how to broach the subject without sounding needy and insecure — or presumptuous, for that matter. Is there a good way to bring this up?

You're Too Sexy for This Party. GTFO.

scaryblackdeath — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 18:06:11 -0800

Ladies: have you ever been targeted/harassed/insulted by others, particularly women, for being too sexy or attractive? Have you witnessed such a thing? Naive as I feel for asking this... does that sort of thing actually happen in the real world and not just on TV? More inside, forgive me if I'm being horribly inarticulate... I'm thinking about situations where one would understandably want to look good -- parties, dates, dancing, etc -- and less about when "sexy" is inappropriate (clubwear at grampa's funeral). I also presume that such attacks are generally veiled, but having never been raged on for my own awesome sexiness, I don't want to presume. :P

I don't go out clubbing. I don't hit bars. My social circles are heavily populated by geeks & nerds... several of whom are very attractive women, to be sure, but I've just plain never seen cattiness about appearance among said female friends. We have LOTS of discussion about the ridiculous appearance of women in comics, video games, etc... but amongst themselves and in relation to real people, they're all generally appalled when anyone mocks someone else's appearance.

Thing is, lately I've been around women outside that social circle who seem quick to mock -- and often it's more about body shape or voice than it is about style of dress, but there's that, too. It's always behind the other woman's back. And it almost always questions the target's level of intelligence, or the company she keeps.

I guess what I'm asking is, does that sort cattiness and envy ever come out into the open? Do the insults and mockery ever get made to the target's face? I've never seen it, but I'm a guy and I wonder if the lens of my own subculture has anything to do with my lack of knowledge here.

Why am I jealous of everyone else's drama?

A Special Kind of Weird — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 16:40:27 -0800

I have a happy, stable, and supportive marriage. Why am I jealous of everyone else's relationship drama and general craziness/fun? I'm a male, 28, happily married for 3 years (together for 6). My wife is the same age. We were best friends in college, hooked up at the right time, happy as clams, got married, and we're still awesome together. The sex life is good to great (depending on my depression/anxiety levels), and we have a good, supportive relationship.

If I have all of this stability, happiness, and support, why am I jealous of other people's drama/crazy?

We have a few friends who are going through some epic upheavals in their lives right now, and I get to hear about it. One woman was in my graduate program, our age, and married to an older man. She moved away right as she began her dissertation because her husband got a new job. A few months later, she was cheating on him with another girl, ready to divorce, running around in hotel rooms, and, outwardly, brimming with happiness. She's now got a happy new girlfriend and is planning to ditch her career to open a bakery in Portland (or something like that).

I was jealous. Of what, I'm not sure. Jealous of the newness? Jealous of changes when my life has a rut to it?

I have another friend (new to my program) that my wife and I have been hanging out with. She's sexually open and fun; she talks openly (to us) about her craigslist hookups with older doms, her kinky past, and a lot of the stuff she does. It's fun, and it's nice to talk to someone about that, because my wife and I are in a conservative area. Even though we're only slightly kinky, we do enjoy chatting about sex, and she's a great outlet.

Again, I'm jealous. I'm not sure of what. Jealous of doing all of those things, or jealous that I'm not doing all of them right now.

So here's my question - I'm having jealousy pangs through all of this. I can't tell if I'm jealous of people who have relationship conflict in their lives (when I have so little), or if it's because they're getting to have new sex with new people in new situations. Or maybe I'm just jealous of things I don't have. I've always been a person that wants more, and a person that never seems to be content with what's in front of him. I want more, better, other, etc. I've talked to my wife about this, and she's completely understanding; she tends to be the type of person that is content with what she has.

What can I do to get over this, or at least deal with this more positively than jealousy? Is this a case of "the grass is always greener," or am I going nuts because I'm missing something? I don't think I want the relationship drama or other stuff, but hearing about them just hits that jealousy bit, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

why aren't porn stars enough?

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 18:25:40 -0800

I need some intelligent perspectives on why I am so sensitive to my husband looking at women on facebook, and whether this is an issue that can't be solved. Background: We do porn, sometimes together, sometimes alone. I don't mind it at all. But, I have in the past found him obsessively checking out the profile of this one girl, and other distant acquaintances, including both locals and people who live in his former city. This was a problem for me and after talking he agreed that obsessing over another woman's pictures isn't OK, and he said doing porn instead of checking out people we actually know made sense.

The situation: He is still looking at women on facebook. Some he knows, some he doesn't.

I would like to hear your opinions on why you think this happens, is it unavoidable? Is this a men thing? Why does it bother me so much? Our relationship is awesome otherwise...is it unrealistic to ask him to stop? Should it even bother me?

Should I also then modify our rules to do things I would like to do but he does not approve of, like keep in touch with an ex boyfriend in a totally platonic way? I feel I have limited myself to make him happy, but he does not, and even though I trust him with everything else, I think that he will never stop looking at these women even though I hate it. Should I just get used to it? Learn to live with it? To be fair, he really tried not to do it for a while, I just think he can't.

* we share a computer. We don't snoop.

'cause i'm mr brightside

swimmingly — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 22:34:52 -0800

I like my friend but it's not mutual and I'm still working on getting over it. Recently she picked up someone at a club while I was getting us drinks, and I'm burning up with jealousy. How to deal? I already know she tends to sleep around, so the jealousy isn't from the fact that she picks up people at clubs. She's perfectly entitled to and it's not my place to say anything. And honestly, I know it's not even my place to feel jealous, but I can't help myself. I guess the difficulty I'm facing is that I feel personally spurned this time because although she knows I like her, she picked up the other person while I was off buying us drinks.

That hurts, even though rationally I know I can't really blame her because I did place myself in that position by going out to a club with her in the first place. And today she was more detached than usual and posted on Facebook that she was at this new person's place. Which also hurts because I've personally seen the other person who is being chosen over me, rather than it being some unknown nameless entity.

Thing is, it's not as though she's deliberately mean to me or anything, just kinda indifferent about it. So the problem really lies with what's going on inside my head. I don't like it because it's making me act all stupid and insecure, and I'm feeling a strong urge to cut off all contact, but it's not her fault so I feel that would be unwarranted.

It doesn't help that I'm currently visiting the city she's staying in right now, and my social support network isn't here. I can't just go off and ignore her for a bit until I calm down. I'm hanging out with a few other friends, but there's a short period of time when the rest of them won't be around and she'll be the only friend I know here for those two days. That introduces an extra element of insecurity. I'm also kind of too depressed to go out and explore by myself. So I really do want to hang out with her for those two days, but at the same time the thought makes me sick.

So my question is: What can I tell myself, or do, to help me get over this? In a way that doesn't end up with me making a royal mess out of things?

I'm fully aware that my thought processes aren't that far away from functionally retarded right now, because of all the awful emotions, so I'm counting on you to help me think clearly! :( If it makes any difference (though probably not), all the people involved in this sorry episode are girls, including me.

Thanks in advance!

Do I let my wife's baseless jealousy interfere with my career?

Arandia — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 17:23:02 -0800

Setting: My wife is (IMO irrationally) jealous, and thinks that a co-worker of mine likes me. There is nothing there, and I have told her she is worrying needlessly, but she is still suspicious. Complication: A position recently came up at work, in an area I prefer over my current job and with better job security. BUT, this co-worker is on the team. Resolution: ??? As stated my wife is worrying needlessly; I have zero interest in this other woman (or, for that matter, any woman but my wife!) She brought up her jealousy on this topic to me a few times, and I have reassured her (extensively) that there was nothing to worry about. She (says she) trusts me when I say that I have no feelings for this co-worker; my wife's go-to line is that she doesn't trust her (the co-worker). This makes no sense to me. Clearly anything that could possibly threaten my wife would require my involvement too, wouldn't it?

Conversations with my wife on this topic have become rather heated, largely because I don't know what else to say; I have no feelings for this woman, and my wife says she accepts and believes that! She has in fact repeated this several times, and I believe that she does trust me on this. There is also only tenuous evidence at the best that this coworker even has feelings for me. The only conclusion I can come to is that my wife is being unreasonable, but clearly she hasn't changed her mind on this topic.

Resolution:
Ultimately convincing my wife that there is nothing to be worried about is the long-term goal. I'm working on that.

But, in the short term I have this complication: what should I do about this job opportunity? I feel that this would only be adding fuel to an already simmering fire, no matter how illogical this fire's origin may be. At the same time, I am frustrated that my wife's (irrational) jealousy is interfering with my career. Is it foolish to even think about exploring this job opportunity given my personal circumstances? Or should I expect my wife to be more reasonable about this topic, and trust that she'll get more comfortable with time?

How to preserve my friendship with an ex now that I'm involved with a new person?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:30:12 -0800

We dated for quite a while, but it didn't work out and we've ended up as good friends. But now I'm entering a serious relationship for the first time since it ended, and the shift in my attention seems to be rattling her. How can I handle this gracefully? Sorry, this is going to be long. But because I'm submitting anonymously and can't clarify things later, I'm trying to be complete up front.

I was emerging from the shadow of a painful divorce when I met A(nn). It was far enough behind me that I felt past the rebound stage and ready for a real relationship, but I hadn't been in one yet. We started dating and I liked Ann. I enjoyed her company, we shared interests, we had a good time together, and we were affectionate and supportive of each other. But my feelings never developed into real love. Nonetheless, we dated for almost a year.

I stayed that long because I wasn't sure I trusted that lack of stronger feeling given what I'd been through. I liked her. She was good to me and I needed that in my life. And I thought my feelings might grow if I was patient with my rebooting heart. Eventually I realized that it wasn't happening. I also knew her feelings for me were stronger, and I wasn't doing her any favors by letting her get more deeply involved when I knew it wasn't going further. So I broke up with her, saying that I thought we had a really good friendship and we should keep that even if that was all it was. This would be a little over a year ago.

And we have become really good friends since then. We talk often, do things together, grab dinner, and so on. It does sound kind of like dating, actually, but has stayed purely platonic. I'd estimate we see each other two, maybe three times a month. I value her friendship for myself, but I think part of it for me is also guilt about effectively stringing her along for a year. She's also in a sort of chronic career/financial crisis, perpetually a couple months from finally finishing a doctoral thesis that's always stressing her out, has faced family medical crises, and lives in a city where she doesn't really have that much of a support network. Basically, she needs a good friend and I want to be there for her. It's not like I can't use a good friend too.

About six months after we broke up, I dipped my toe in the dating pool again. What's followed has been a lot of first dates, and a few subsequent ones, but nothing's gotten serious. Ann is aware of this, and has been quite supportive, even taking it upon herself to overhaul my wardrobe. She herself has not been dating, though she keeps saying she's going to as soon as the thesis is done, and occasionally mentions that some guy flirted with her.

So that was the status quo, until B(eth) came along. Beth and I have been seeing each other for about a month now. Other people I was in that first date stage with sort of faded away and I haven't looked for others. It's still a new thing and I don't know where it will go, but I've hidden my online profile and we've started talking exclusivity. Basically, this looks like my first real relationship since Ann.

Ann's been generally aware of this dating ebb and flow, mainly in a "what'd you do this weekend?" "went to a show," "oh, with X?" "yeah," kind of way. I don't specifically inform her of my dating schedule. But as she's noticed that X increasingly equals Beth, she seems to be a bit rattled. She's mentioned a couple times that what I ought to be doing is keeping three dating partners in rotation. I ignored that, but then came something that was harder to ignore.

Ann called to ask if I was free for an outing on Saturday. I wouldn't mind doing something with her, but I wanted to check with Beth first and see what our weekend plans were, so my answer was that I didn't know yet. She asked if I actually had something on the calendar and I admitted I didn't. She was definitely put out by this. Her response was along the lines of "so some temporary woman is more important than me." Where we left it was that I'd get back to her within a day and let her know. But the exchange has me worried.

I'm getting the sense that Ann still has proprietary feelings toward me. She could play along with me dating other people as long as it was casual, and didn't threaten her share of my attention. But now that Beth has come along, with whom my goal is to not be "temporary," she's having issues. I'm moving into a place where I feel Beth has first claim on my time now, and that hasn't happened before.

I don't want to hurt Ann, and I do value her friendship and want to maintain it. But part of me worries that, by sticking around and being such a close friend, by effectively maintaining pretty much everything about our relationship except the romantic and physical parts, I've sort of enabled her to never quite completely break it off with me.

So my basic question is how do I handle this transition with some modicum of grace? And I guess the deeper one is, by trying to be a good friend to Ann, am I actually keeping her from moving on and ultimately hurting her more than I'm helping?