Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with jealousy

I am jealous of my boyfriend's past interest in other women. Please give me new perspective.

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 10:35:13 -0800

I am jealous of my boyfriend's past interest in other women. Please give me new perspective. I would like to know why I should not be jealous of my boyfriend's past interest in other women (besides the fact that it is emotionally taxing, destructive, and painful.)

On a logical level, I just don't see why I shouldn't be. I feel as if they are my competition, that they will take him away from me, that they are better than me in some way or another, that really, he should be with them because I can't compare. All of those things, I think, make jealousy a reasonable, rational response. If I were not jealous, that would mean I don't care if they are better than me and that they are going to take my boyfriend away from me. Of course I care!

As a sidenote, my boyfriend is a very decent person and that he loves me so so much. He has spent hours reassuring me and hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. I know nothing would happen. He doesn't even talk to these women anymore...but when he does run into them IRL or online through a random facebook comment here and there I go in crazypanicmode and I feel like throwing up and have the whole butterflies-can't-sleep-thing that I really really thought would go away with age. I am in my mid 20s if that is relevant.

Has anyone else dealt with this and gotten past it? Please convince me that I shouldn't be feeling like this.

Thank you :)

And yeah, I know I probably need therapy.

How do I cope with jealousy of other peoples' intimacy?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:02:45 -0800

I am a straight 29-year old male who has never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience. When I find out that other people I know are entering into relationships or getting frisky, I get slammed by a whole cluster of negative emotions, and I need help coping. These negative feelings include pain, like I got the wind knocked out of me and my chest is collapsing, extreme jealousy, anger, misogynistic thoughts like "all women are bitches because they'll hook up with that kind of guy but not me," and thoughts that I maybe my life isn't worth living anymore. (To be clear, I have zero desire to act on that thought, and I find it terrifying when it comes up. If I ever started planning ways to commit suicide, I would immediately seek in-person professional help.)

As I've gotten older and still been without any intimate relationships, these feelings have gotten worse. I used to only experience this when a girl I had a crush on would choose someone else, but it's getting to the point where finding out that anyone I know is sexually involved with someone or is in a relationship with another person can bring up these feelings.

I'm not asking for strategies to find a girlfriend or get laid, and so I'm leaving out the background of why my dating history has been non-existent. What I really need are some ways to keep these feelings from overwhelming me and to deal with the fact that other people get into relationships and have sex.

Looking for attention in all the wrong places

dentro — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:36:34 -0800

Why would a woman be jealous of the attention her girlfriends receive from their significant others? There is an answer, but the issue has formed a pattern in my life that I fear is getting out of control! I would appreciate anyone who could take the time to help me out by reading more...:) Hello all!

First a little about how this all began...

I am a single woman in her early twenties, currently studying and living on my own.

A few years ago, while I was still living with my family, I met my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. I had just gotten back from travelling so I was not there to see their blossoming "love" from the beginning.

My best friend and I are two people who have the potential to be at the same level, but because of my catastrophically low self esteem, and because we each grew up so different, it could never be so.
Up to this point in our friendship, I've always felt like I was batman's confidant.

Getting to the point...

When I met her boyfriend, I thought he was great.
Sweet, smart, successful (for his age). It was pathetic.
I began to think how unfortunate it was that I hadn't met him before she did! He appeared to be perfect in every way.

One thing that wasn't perfect of course was their relationship. This was his first serious one, and my friend was mentally abusing the crap out of him. She had just been in and out of getting her heart broken by someone else, and this new perfect boyfriend of hers was a new toy.

They fought day in, day out. THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of that relationship.

Their constant bickering could only remind me of why I chose to be single in the first place. It brought back unpleasant memories of old boyfriends and our old quarrels, it made me feel awful. I didn't want her to experience this pain that I had, and I knew she didn't feel that deeply for him.

THAT was another thing that got me super angry. Why are you with such a great guy when you can't even love him? How is he for you when you are just confusing your attachment to him with love?

(I know that I may sound evil and over dramatic. I don't feel good about it!)

I still remember how she was telling me about a fight they had and it was one of the first times she threatened to break up with him. She told me how it made him break down and cry and beg for her not to leave him. She felt bad for making him cry, but I could see that as much as she cared for him- she did not LOVE him.

After telling me about this, I recommended that she break up with him, to save each of them any future pain. He loves her, she doesn't love him- How is that fair?

They stayed together of course.

After a while I realized he had began to act weird around me, and after a group confrontation I found out that she told him what I said and they both suspected that I had a crush on him and was trying to break them up.

Truth is, I did kind of like him, as you can read! But I ALSO really cared for my friend and didn't want to see her tear things apart with someone she didn't love, even though she thought it was all fine and worth it because he was so "perfect."
I wasn't trying to break them up in any other way aside from giving that piece of advice, as much I had a little crush on him- she's my friend. I kept things kosher, yo.
Still, things were never the same for us.

I could never hang out with them again without it being awkward. Because her and I were so close, he had to deal with me and I with him on almost a daily basis.
I tried to confront him and apologize but he didn't want to hear it.
A lot of unfriendly words were exchanged, etc.
Anger and jealousy and trust issues between my friend and I went down because I had not made a very convincing case against not liking him and all. :-/

I should have spent less time with them, but because I felt guilty I tried to sustain our friendship as much as I could through being around her all the time (and he was always there).
I should have thought of myself first, and just kept my distance.

And yes, I noticed that I wanted to squirm every time they would show any public displays of affection. And it did pull at my heart strings a little.

This had been going on for the past few years, I suspect that after it happened I began to feel funny around couples. As though I subconsciously like the boyfriend of my friend and want him even if he may not be my type, even if he is a complete moron. I still want him or his attention for something. But specifically if he is a good catch, since I suppose it all comes back to the memory of my best friend and her "perfect" man.

It freaked me out recently because I started to three wheel with several other girlfriends, and I always get uncomfortable when they get too intimate with one another around me (even in simple conversation with one another in front of me).

I get kind of disappointed when I don't catch the guy looking at me, or purposely starting conversation to get to know me, or pay extra attention to me. You get the picture (Once again, I am not proud of any of this).

I went out with another good friend of mine and her guy for the first time recently, and while driving, I found something of interest in common with her guy. She decided to be funny by expressing jealousy and telling him, "Nooo! you don't like that, you like what I like!"
It was just a joke, but I swear my heart stopped.

I felt a series of nervous and familiar thoughts come into play. "Do i like this guy? why am I mentioning that I like what he likes? Next time I will just keep my mouth shut. I don't like anything. but I want to, I want him to like me!"
I continued to act kinda weird and faked fatigue later in the night to run on home sooner.

I do not want to lose friends over this.
I am dating someone that I like right now and it is going really well, though I still feel these unpleasant feelings. I just shouldn't three-wheel anymore.

If you have read this far ahead, thank you.
I appreciate it whether you hate me by this point, don't give a damn, or sympathize with me. It doesn't matter.

Writing all this down was therapeutic enough.
But boy, I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to hear a few words of advice on how to battle this!

- D

Lesbians and their Ex-Girlfriends/Friends! Ugh?!

DorothySmith — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:48:23 -0800

My new girlfriend is still friends with her old girlfriend... how do I not let my jealousy eat me alive?! I've been dating this girl for a several months and everything's going great and we get along very well. The only thing that irks me is that she is still friends with her ex girlfriend. They've been broken up for ages and I can tell that she is not interested in getting back with her ex. We live in a liberal US state and can be open and all of that and so she's openly affectionate with me in public, even in front of her ex. However, her ex on the other hand, looks at her with 'those' eyes that signal "I'm still into you!" She also texts, calls and messages all the time.

I've told my gf that I'm alright with them being friends, since I don't want to come off as the crazy new girlfriend and I know it's really common for lesbians to be friends with their exes (heck... I'm friends with a few of mine... though mine weren't as serious). But the problem I have, is that I can very clearly tell that her ex still has feelings for her... she wants to hang out with my gf alone more than in groups. She is seeing someone new, but doesn't look at her new love interest the way she looks at mine.

My intuition is generally right on with regards to reading people and I really believe that I'm dead on about her still having feelings for my gf. I'm sure others can see it as well.

So... since I know it will not work in my favor if I act jealous or say anything to my partner, how do I get past the jealousy of them hanging out? How can I think of this in a way that won't drive me crazy? Does it matter that her ex is still into her? Should I just act as if it doesn't bother me in the least? What are some strategies for getting over jealousy or discomfort?

How to handle Christmas stay envy?

Flitcraft — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:45:33 -0800

What's the best way to stand up to my mother about Christmas and to handle her jealousy about our better relationship with my partner's parents? She's determined to make the holiday season into a zero sum game with my partner's mother My partner and I originally set a rule of not going to either party's parents for Christmas, but doing our own thing instead- partly to have fun and partly to avoid my very difficult mother who goes into overdrive at Christmas. This worked until partner agreed that we should spend last Christmas with his parents, arguing that just because my mother is very difficult, his mother shouldn't be deprived. We weren't able to stop my mother finding out, and she's now trying to leverage it into guilting us into spending Christmas with her and my stepfather. When I say no, (and I'm going to) there's going to be a major tantrum about why she isn't getting the same treatment and she will cast up to me everything I/we've done with my partner's parents. The truth is, they're a lot easier to get on with, and we're a lot more comfortable with them, but I can't say this to her without hurting her/ making for an even worse argument. What's the best way to handle her jealousy of our better relationship with my partner's parents?

How to deal with his friendship with a former lover?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:04:40 -0800

(RelationshipFilter) My now boyfriend used to sleep with a good friend of his, while he was dating me. How do I deal with my feelings about him hanging out with her? Before we became exclusive (in the early stages of our dating relationship, but continuing after we started saying "I love you"), my now boyfriend was sleeping with a very close friend of his. I knew about it at the time and I hated it. She would sleep over at his place once a week and I knew what was going on, and it tortured me. After a few months we became exclusive (after I told him I wanted to) and he stopped sleeping with her. I never asked him to stop being friends with her or hanging out with her, but I asked him not to share details with me as it really bothers me when he sees her. I don't think he has feelings for her, nor do I suspect that anything is "going on" between them. A few weeks ago she came to an event that he and I attend regularly, and I had to leave because I felt so uncomfortable and angry. Today I found out that he went to a place that is very special to me, that we have been talking about going to together, with her, from a friend who told me he saw him there. I feel like he lied to me about it and was sneaking around, but he says he didn't tell me because I asked him not to talk to me about her. I don't know how we resolve this. I don't feel like it would be okay for me to say "stop being friends with her", but I'm tired of this being an issue and feeling betrayed and angry. I'm angry at him because I feel like he created this situation, but at the same time he wasn't doing anything technically wrong at the time: he wasn't lying to me or cheating on me. When I try to reverse the situation, I know that I wouldn't be hanging out with someone I was sleeping with at the same time as I was seeing him--actually, I wouldn't have been sleeping with a close friend, nor would I have been with someone else when I was saying "I love you" to him.
Does anyone have any ideas about how to deal with this? How do I stop feeling so angry and hurt? Am I totally in the wrong? We have a good relationship and good communication but things just go nowhere with this issue.

Tell him about unwarranted jealousy?

BusyBusyBusy — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:48:14 -0800

Do you tell your boyfriend about (unjustified) feelings of jealousy, or just get over them on your own? I have a great boyfriend with a guy I've been dating since high school. He is a couple years my junior, and we go to the same university. Recently, he as made a new friend at our university, a girl we both had met before through volunteer work. She is a nice, funny, pretty girl, although not insanely attractive (I'd say we're about equal).

He recently had lunch with her, which I had no problem with. He has always had an easier time making female friends than male ones, and has confided in me that he is embarrassed of this. After the lunch, he texted me with "She's so cool!", which I agree, she is. Later he mentioned something funny that she said. This is all that has happened.

I'm not asking if I should feel jealous. I shouldn't. I know he loves me, I feel good about myself, solid in the relationship. But I do feel jealous. The question is, should I tell him? I normally tell him pretty much everything I think and feel, and him likewise. We have a very loving, supportive relationship. My concern in telling him is that he might a) think I'm being crazy b) block the girl out of his life to avoid upsetting me.

I'm mostly worried about b. This girl is cool, funny, nice, a perfect friend for him. Likewise, I have many male friends, even friendships with ex-boyfriends, and he has never said a word about jealousy. I don't want to upset anything going on between them, although in the back of my mind I'm worried it might develop into more. I also worry that telling him would actually weaken our relationship because it might seem I'm trying to shut other people out of his life. So what do you think?

Best friend's girlfriend hates me

cheesecake — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:59:44 -0800

My best friend's new girlfriend hates me for no reason. I'm a woman with a male best friend "Mike". We were college friends, and then worked at the same company for ten years. We confide in each other, and have supported each other through ups and downs. There's no romantic history. He's like a brother to me.

Mike started dating a new woman six months ago. They have a very passionate relationship.

Everything was fine until Mike, his girlfriend, a few mutual friends, and I went on a week-long trip together. By the second day, Mike's girlfriend became very rude to me. Throughout the rest of the trip, she spoke and acted rudely to me. Later I found out that she spent a long time every day badmouthing me to Mike in private, arguing and crying for hours. At one point, she had a realization that she was being unfair to me by projecting bad traits onto me. Unfortunately, this didn't change her behavior, and she continued to blow up unpredictably over imagined insults.

Mike apologized to me afterwards for her behavior. As we talked, he seemed sensitive about discussions of his relationship. He became agitated when he spoke about potentially breaking up with her. I thought he needed external encouragement, but that just made him defensive. Since then, Mike and I talk less than we used to. He avoids any mention of his girlfriend, and we instead talk about work and hobbies.

I'm wondering if this is a sustainable status quo. Mike and I both value our friendship. Should I tell him that I am happy to listen to him talk about his girlfriend? Should I back off and "wait out" the duration of their relationship? Should I try to reach out and invite both of them to events?

How do I stop having hatecrushes?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:59:35 -0800

How do I stop having hatecrushes? I have a long history of developing hatecrushes. They consist of almost all-consuming obsession-- as intense as any romantic crush-- except negative rather than positive. I feel my heart race when someone mentions their name, I stalk them online. Just like in a romantic crush, I lose all sense of reason, become blinded by hatred. Just someone afflicted by a romantic crush my change their behavior to get their crush to like them, I change my behavior to distinguish myself from my hatecrush. I think about them CONSTANTLY.

Although I try to keep my mouth shut and control my behavior, I feel like it seeps out and, though I have gotten better with age, sometimes damages my relationships with third parties who are either friends with the object or think poorly of me (reasonably so!)for having these effed up obsessions. Then, after a certain period of time, like romantic crushes, it loses all its power, dissipates. I still don't really like the person, usually, but they no longer have any power of me.

Usually the objects of my disgust are other women, often former romantic partners of guys I am involved with. Many times, they are not ex-girlfriends per se, but brief flings. Other times, they are women who have a lot in common with me-- similar interest or style or aspects of personality, except for whatever reason, I find them extremely lacking. My hate seems to stem from making sure that I distinguish myself from them. I think, "she my dress like me and play a similar social role and have dated the same guy I'm dating, but she NOTHING LIKE ME OKAY???" Honestly, I legitimately believe that most of these people are kinda sucky as people, do things that I know other people think are annoying, even after I get over my obsession, but I just wish I didn't care.

One thing that has helped somewhat is to use extreme self-control to just not e-stalk. Out of sight, out of mind. I am the troll, and I don't feed myself. Another technique is to remind myself of hatecrushes that have come before, how much less powerful they seem once they've passed. I also try to remember that it's not about the object of the hatecrush but about me, my insecurities, my sense of boundaries of self (i.e., their shortcomings make me feel better about myself).

When I'm deep in the middle of a hatecrush, these techniques are small comforts. Any other tips? I really dislike this about myself and find it somewhat embarrassing and kinda pathetic. I don't really feel like an overall insecure person, and I try really hard to keep a healthy, balance, metacognitive perspective about these things. Why do I become so hate-infatuated?

How to manage feelings in BDSM/casual sex relaionships?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:55:03 -0800

Your tips on figuring out my feelings as I enter into casual play relationships? (risque elaboration within) Sooooo I am a newbie to BDSM and casual play/sex and while I've had a small handful of good experiences so far, I'm a little worried of my own green-eyed monster rearing its head. Main reason I ask: I met someone recently who I enjoy play/sex with, and since he is unattached and very affectionate towards me (and I find him very attractive) I'm starting to get date-y feelings toward him. He compliments me in a date-y way, too, i've spent the night, and he has once (on our 2nd of 2 play dates) suggested we hang out in a non-play setting too, but I'm not sure what to make of this or if I'm reading into it. I'm afraid to bring up any deeper discussion because I feel... uptight? demanding? like I'll freak him out by being not-casual? if I do.

This is all especially confusing because, while 3somes are something I'd like to try, I now am getting antsy and mixed-up emotionally when he brings up looking for new play partners for us. And I'm feeling tinges of jealousy knowing he's looking for new play partners for himself. How does one manage this sort of transition and dealing with jealousy? Any suggested tips? Suggested reads? Throwaway email: applicablenot32@yahoo.com If it matters, I am female, 30, unmarried (and not very marriage-minded normally.)

I don't want to be the wicked stepmother!

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:21:26 -0800

I am jealous of my boyfriend's adult daughter. We would like to get married, but I feel I need to find a way to cope with this feeling before the relationship gets any deeper. I really cannot fathom why I am jealous. He's not abnormally close to her; and when I first met him (about 3 years ago) she was still in college and in that phase that many young adults go through where they only call their parents when they need/want something. He doesn't neglect me for her....she is a little on the spoiled side (in my view, but then again, I was on my own at 17) but it's really nothing extreme. I've read horror stories about adult kids in their 30's and 40's still manipulating their fathers for money years after a divorce, but I don't see that happening in this situation. He has the ability to say No and set boundaries and I've seen a noticeable improvement in the way she treats him since she graduated college and moved away in the last year or so.

I've only really had a couple direct interactions with her. One was where I invited her to my house once for dinner and got a kind of vague, "I don't know...I think I have plans" and one other time was a bit more confrontational and she accused her dad of paying more attention to me than to her. So apparently the feeling was mutual. Since that time I havent' really talked to her and feel extremely uncomfortable around her. When she visits with her dad I just make other plans and let them be together. I figure that's what I would want if I were in her shoes.

When he is with her, I get very insecure and obsess that she will convince him that he should leave me. She is extremely pretty, and went to college and has a wonderful boyfriend who dotes on her and spoils her, they both have good jobs and a nice home....so I guess I feel inadequate compared to her and feel like she will point this out to her dad. Her parents marriage was pretty traditional. They were married for over 20 years, were churchgoing, had a typical suburban life, etc. His wife didn't have a career and was pretty dependent... Whereas I was on my own at 17, became a single mother really young, and have had a lot of struggles in my life and have had to overcome a lot to survive. I'm also quite a bit younger than him; I'm in my 30's, he's in his 50's. So part of it is definitely feeling that I won't fit in or be accepted/approved of....

I feel really bad about feeling this way. I want to find a way to relate to this girl but instead I find myself being very negative in regards to her, and interpreting things he tells me about her in the worst possible light. I know that is unfair but i can't help it and feel terribly guilty.

If there is anyone out there who's had a similiar experience and felt the same way, I would appreciate any advice you could give, especially if you able to overcome it and feel more comfortable in the situation.

Unhealthily jealous of the attention my girlfriend gets from guys

plechazunga — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:51:34 -0800

Guys are always hitting on my girlfriend and making it clear that she is out of my league, how do I stop being jealous MeFi? (possibly useful background - those who have read my previous questions will know that I have just come out of a very long term relationship)

So I am now seeing a fantastic girl who - without meaning to sound massively insecure - is someone who I have known for just over a year and have always considered to be WAY out of my league. She is beautiful and more like the cheerleader type you always secretly had a crush on in school while I am a rather more scruffy ex skateboarder and I am completely aware that she fell for my personality before my looks. Her longest relationship so far has been two years while mine is eleven.

My biggest problem is that whenever we go out, prior to her introducing me as her boyfriend, guys are always hitting on her. She has done so much to reassure me that she isn't interested but I am having a hard time getting over it. Additionally there are a couple of her exes in her large circle of friends, which makes me slightly uneasy.

Eg one time this guy comes over (friend of a friend of a friend of hers, jock type who is more like the person people would imagine her with) and starts talking directly to her, within a few seconds he is putting his arm around her. She says "by the way this is my boyfriend", he looks at me disbelievingly (a very typical reaction from people who hear the news), and I turn it into a joke ("yeah, she's still recovering from the eye surgery" - true story) and secretly want to punch the guy's face off. Conversation goes stale after this and he moves over to another girl. Another night, her very drunk ex turns up, again not realising that she is with me, grabs her ass and leans in for a kiss. She walked away from him.

On top of this (sorry it's so long) she gets drunk. Like really drunk. I am worried that one day she won't have the strength to resist if I am not there, but at the same time I don't want to tell her not to get drunk as it is issues of control like this that lead me to break up with my ex.

Like i said, she has gone to great lengths to reassure me that I am the only one she wants and that she doesn't perceive a difference in our levels of attractiveness but I can't stop worrying.

I guess there are four problems: 1 my jealousy. 2 her drinking. 3 the way other guys see her. 4 my feelings that I am punching above my weight and that genuinely one day she will get over her eye surgery and leave me. Am I being a crazy jealous freak?

House of (hopefully not) Jealous Lovers

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:52:29 -0800

Polyamory: What now? I am currently in a long term relationship with someone who I love very much. We have been together for 4 years and I guess that polyamory is always something that my partner has wanted to explore but has been comfortable not pursuing actively until now. While I can find no rational reason to be against the practice (in fact I can only see upsides) I am feeling a bit bewildered and lost. There are few tiers of questions that rise out of this.
What I need to know are the logistics of moving from a monogamous to polyamorous relationship. How do I go about finding like-minded people? How do I broach the topic of whatever I have with a new person either being secondary or a part of my primary relationship? How do I adjust my primary relationship to accommodate whatever might come up for either of us? We have already discussed ground rules re: communication, our apartment, what is off-limits, practicing safe sex and so on.
The next tier of questions has to do with emotional coping. To be honest I am feeling a little blindsided by this sudden shift in the dynamics of our partnership. I don't want to be a jealous partner and I want for my other half to explore without feeling like I am losing some part of what we have now. I feel like these are murky, treacherous waters and any advice on how to make it out for the better would be appreciated.
The last tier I guess is communication. How do you share this with friends/family? Do you share it?

Right now all of this is very seat of the pants and I am having trouble shifting gears. I am all for this experiment because no matter what our configuration the relationship will last or it won't. If it's something my partner needs to feel like a whole, honest person then I would be out of line to ask them not to walk this road. I guess I could just use a primer.

Follow-up questions can go to thewhatinthewho@gmail.com

Enough about me, what about you?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 09:49:43 -0800

How can I stop feeling bad for myself when something good happens to one of my friends? Today one of my friends had something extraordinary happen to him, something that is best defined as "crazy good", and I am proud of him, know he put lots of hard work into it, etc.

But this also brought up the green monster in me. This happens a lot, I have trouble being genuinely happy for other people because I was raised to be very competitive, and to always fight to be the best. So while great things happen to total strangers on a daily basis, when something good happens to a friend (be it an award, a promotion, a huge cash bonus, etc.) I can't help but feel jealous.

The closer someone's success is to my own life (they work in the same field, they achieve something I'd wanted to, they make money) it is even worse.

I'm wondering how to get past the "me" part of all this so I can just genuinely celebrate the success of those close to me.

Girlfriend still on OKCupid

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:40:22 -0800

We met on OKCupid and started dating. I deleted my profile... she didn't. What to do? Everything else in our relationship is going great. I guess I really don't expect her to delete it. She's changed her status on OKCupid to 'seeing someone' and is now only looking for 'new friends'. Still, something about it makes me uncomfortable - it is a dating site, after all.

I've tried to bring it up once or twice, with her reassuring me that she's only ever replied to two or three guys on the site, and I shouldn't be worried. But I am worried! Occasionally I peek at her profile discreetly. It seems like she logs on every few days, and her page says "Replies Often". From what I hear, attractive girls get messages a lot, so this doesn't seem to jibe with the "hardly ever replying" thing.

I've always thought the whole "oh, i'm just on OKCupid for the quizzes/for fun" thing was just a clever way to make people uncomfortable with dating sites be able to excuse themselves for being on a dating site.

I'm trying not to go crazy-jealous-boyfriend here... but do I have a reason to be? I trust her and want to believe her. Maybe she's telling the truth and OKCupid's "how often user X replies" indicator is broken? I know most of the answers to this will be 'talk to her about it', but I've tried!

crazy jealous person seeks reassurance

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 07:05:32 -0800

How can I overcome my intense irrational jealousy and anxiety? I am in a very good relationship with an awesome guy. We have been dating for a little over a year. This is my second relationship. My first relationship was three years. Both men and both relationships have been very, very different--except the part where I get intensely insecure and jealous. I always start out by feeling confident and happy with myself. At the beginning, I understand that there are many other amazing women in the world, but also realize that this relationship is about me and the other person. The further the relationship progresses, the more and more I worry that there is some other person that the man would rather be with. As time continues, this becomes more and more of an issue.

Little things will set me off--a facebook comment, a photo, even just a sentence or two. In my first relationship, the person was very abusive and I thought that it was just a way to react to his behavior. I expressed my insecurities to him and began to abuse him with questions, accusations, and emotions in general. In this relationship, I know that it isn't the case. Neither of us are perfect, but the relationship is healthy and we respect each other. He has given me no reason to be jealous and I know that he loves me. I don't want to do this to him. The problem must lie with me.

I don't know how to fix it. I'm worried that my insecurities will tear apart this relationship. I don't want to obsess over some girl he slept with a few times when he was 19. I don't want to worry that he has a highschool sweetheart that will always have his heart. I know that these thoughts don't make any sense whatsoever. The thoughts invade my brain and make me panic--they aren't normal. I know that he would never, ever cheat on me. I know that this man loves me with all of his heart. I'm not even worried about physical infidelity. It is also very easy to separate out 'normal' jealousy[which fades quickly and is more 'angry' than panicky] and this jealousy--which ends in OCD-like behaviors[such as checking facebook constantly, being frozen with fear by thoughts running through my head, and biting my nails down until they bleed].

I have never been jealous of something that would actually be real--just imaginary beings that are somehow less flawed than I am. In my mind, there is a woman out there who will fulfill him and make him happy and be everything that he could ever need. In my mind, I am not this person and he is only still with me because he _______[who knows]. I had a pretty bad childhood, and I'm sure that these are lingering daddy issues. How do I get rid of them? I have not mentioned this to him yet. I don't want him to know how messed up I am. What do I do?

What to do about friends jealous partners?

sartre08 — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:11:44 -0800

What to do about friends jealous partners? I'm gay and the partners of my female friends boyfriends are really threatened by me, it is causing tension in our friendships. I'm openly gay, but reasonably "straight acting" - to the extent that nobody ever guesses it anyway. I have a group of 3 really close female friends, who all live in the same house and who I spend most of my social time with. We drink together and sometimes smoke weed together with our large group of mutual friends, and watch movies, and whatever else groups of college friends generally do.

The problem is that all of their boyfriends hate my guts. They hate that I spend so much time with their girlfriends, that their girlfriends rave about how great I am/how much fun I am, and they say that I am just pretending to be gay because I want to get in their pants - "people change" according to them. This really annoys me because they puport to be liberal and tolerant about everything and go to university (though I know this means nothing) yet still hold such backwards beliefs.
I have recently found out that all 3 boyfriends have been hanging out together where they didn't really before, bonding over a shared hatred of yours truly - the consensus is that I am rude, loud, and a bad influence...things nobody has ever said about me before. Part of the reason that they don't like me also I suspect is they are shamelessly pretentious hipsters, and the girlfriends are hipsterish I guess in their dress sense but they aren't pretentious at all...and I just try and avoid all of that, so I guess in their eyes I am "uncool" and not worth their time.

Two of said friends have ended their relationships recently, and I cannot help but feel I was a contributing factor, because of the fact that I came up in their break up talks, and often my friends will spend time with me over their boring boyfriends - their words not mine.
The boyfriends are always welcome to socialise with us but always choose not to because they don't like our idea of fun. From the outset I always went out of my way to be friendly towards them, but eventually gave up even bothering because of their unrelenting rudeness towards me.

I have not had this problem with any other female friends boyfriends, they don't usually see me as a threat and I become friends with them too - in a way they just see me as one of the girls I guess, I just don't register as a threat.

On top of this one of the boyfriends said to one of my friends who has been dumped (they were not in a relationship together, but both part of this group) that the reason guys weren't showing an interest in her was that amongst other things she was friends with me.

I am feeling very conflicted about this - on the one hand I am worried our friendship may be unhealthy and that somehow by hanging out with them I am destining them to be single "fag-hags" for ever, and this almost makes me want to distance myself from them to avoid this...but on the other hand I have never had this problem with the boyfriends of close female friends before, so part of me just wants to ignore it and stop feeling like it is my fault.

This is causing me a reasonable amount of stress, as they are my main social outlet outside of law school so I rely on them a lot for my general sanity...and I guess any input from you guys would be appreciated. Should I just soldier on as is, or do you think I am in the wrong too?

How to get over jealousy?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 14:08:24 -0800

Help me tame the green eyed monster. So, for about 6 months, I've been in a relationship with a really caring, fun, and sweet guy. We love each other, and spend a lot, if not most, of our free time with one another. He is trustworthy, honest, and just one of the most decent people I've met.

With that in mind, why is it that I'm in constant fear of losing him, of being traded in for someone more attractive, more intelligent, more worthwhile? It seems that the longer he stays with me, the more scared I am. He has done absolutely nothing to warrant any of this. Of that, I am absolutely sure.

Because of all of this, I have become (internally), extremely needy, and struggle with jealousy. I can't bear even the thought of him talking to other women (don't worry, I've never expressed this to him), yet alone finding other women attractive (more attractive than me, at least). Even the most innocent facebook comments from other women makes me feel nauseated.

I know this is all irrational, and I would really like some advice on how to deal with this, especially from people who have experienced, and found a way to move past, these feelings. Perhaps some men could give insight into how they view women other than their girlfriends/wives? When you meet a charming, attractive, and intelligent woman, do you compare her to your SO? Do you think of jumping into bed with her?

Thank you, all.

How to deal with flirtly roommate & his female conquests?

afabulousbeing — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:43:02 -0800

What makes more sense when trying to deal with feelings of irritation and jealousy towards someone who just so happens to be your roommate - coldness and avoidance, or cultivating a veneer of warmth? I'll refrain from revealing every last detail about the situation, but not too long ago one of my roommates became exceedingly flirty and came onto me all in the same night. I soon learned, however, that his intentions were anything but serious and he basically only wanted me as a fwb. Since I find him very attractive and had already been toying with the idea of having a casual hook-up just for fun, I gave him some pretty clear hints that I would probably be up for that. But before anything else happened between us, we, okay mostly he, decided that we didn't know what we would be getting into, being roommates and all. Thus, it was determined that we would simply put what happened behind us.

Immediately thereafter, he started bringing another girl home with him during the nights, and although I feel that the situation has surely now been resolved, I find myself resenting him for having stirred up my interest in him, and frankly, my lust. Prior to this, I had tried not to think of him in that way, but now it irritates me that he's so blatantly having sex with someone else under the same roof. My plan now is not to dwell on it, and just continue meeting and dating guys who are more mature, if not necessarily quite as hot as the roomie.

What I don't know though is how to handle myself when I run into him either when he's alone or when he's with this girl. He often acts quite friendly towards me, and dare I say flirty, after what happened. Should I protect myself by acting cold and disengaged, or would it be better for both him and me if I make it a point to seem bubbly and care-free? If I didn't live with him, I would be so completely over this by now, but as things are, I'm somewhat worried that my resentment or whatever is going to have some longevity.

Is my son jealous? Or struggling to cope with change?

malibustacey9999 — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 00:47:08 -0800

Why is my 7 year old acting like this, when he seems to like my new boyfriend? And what do I do about it? Oh, this is long & complicated. I'll try to be succinct.

I'm a 40 year old single mum, with a 10 year old daughter & a 7 year old son. The kids' dad & I broke up when I was pregnant with our son, so he has never lived with a male (role model? figure? fatherhead?) in our home, but he is heavily involved in the life of his grandfather, as well as male teachers & sports coaches. He is also in regular contact with his dad. I've never felt that he lacked a male role model. I don't know if that's relevant, but there you go... it's background.

Since having our son, I've had 2 short-ish relationships of a few months which were failures. My son became very attached to the latest guy (which was 2 & a half years ago) very quickly, and his heart was broken too when the boyfriend cheated on me & I ended the relationship.

Late last year: enter the most fabulous bloke I have ever met in my life. We were friends, enjoyed the whole significant glances/eyes-meeting-and-holding thing for a few months, did the cliched NYE kiss after confessing our nervousness & desire, and it's been going forward in leaps & bounds ever since. I am deliriously happy with this guy. My kids like him, my family like him, I like his family, he likes my kids & my family, etc, etc, with all the permutations. It's all going swimmingly.

BUT... my son has started to wake in the middle of the night, come into my room, and insist on sleeping there. He gets put straight back to bed. Then he gets back up again. He only does it when my boyfriend is staying over. He must have walked into my room 10 times last night before I lost patience. My boyfriend could see that I was losing control of my temper, so he took over & told me to go and relax with a glass of wine while he dealt with my son.

I haven't spoken to him in detail about it yet, somehow he got my son to stay in bed in a softly-spoken caring manner, but the 'mood was broken', well & truly. And I ended up in tears. Frustrated, angry, and upset.

As a redhead with the stereotypical temper, I want to put a lock on my sons bloody door so he can't get out. But I know that's cruel & insensitive. I don't want him to feel like the new boyfriend is more important than him. I also want to put a lock on MY door, but I worry about the implications if one of my kids is seriously sick or there's a fire or whatever. Yeah, I'm a drama queen.

I've tried bribes. I've tried threats. And still, once a week or so, my son is an all-too-frequent uninvited visitor to my bedroom. My daughter is coping quite well, she told my mother that she's thrilled about the new bloke because he 'makes mummy happy'. And during the day, my son is the same. Loves my new boyfriend, will happily talk about Star Wars with him for hours, but the late night bedroom visits are doing my head in.

Suggestions? Do I just struggle along, hoping that eventually he'll figure out that he won't be sleeping in my bed no matter how many times he gets up? Do I get nasty & take away the Nintendo/golf lessons/whatever else he enjoys, at the risk of alienating him from my boyfriend?

Disclaimer of sorts: I lived through this situation as a teenager with my own parents (mother & step-dad) and my stepbrother, and they screwed it up bigtime, possibly because they wavered between letting him manipulate their relationship & then getting firm. I don't want my son to turn out like my stepbro.

And just in case this isn't clear, my boyfriend doesn't live with us. He lives right next door, though.

So much for being succinct...

How can my ex-girlfriend and I live together while avoiding jealousy and drama?

Anonymous — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 13:38:13 -0800

How can my ex-girlfriend and I live together while avoiding jealousy and drama? My girlfriend and I broke up, mutually and amicably, about three months ago. We live in the same apartment, although we have separate bedrooms. This is Manhattan and it's an amazing apartment and neither one of us is leaving it until summer at the earliest. We want to remain friends as best we can, and we both realize that while we loved each other very much, our personalities and lives are simply incompatible in the long-term. This is the background.

Now, both of us are going out and seeing other people. We have an agreement not to bring other people back here, although in theory I care less about that aspect than her. However, last night was the first night since we broke up that both of us stayed out all night; I got home about five minutes before she did this afternoon. It wasn't outwardly awkward.

But: I felt a twinge of jealousy. Hypocritical, yes. Ridiculous, yes. I truly want her to be happy, and I want her to find a nice man with whom she can have a good relationship. I really do. But there is an unpleasant, atavistic seed of jealously that hurts when I know she is out with someone else. I'm sure that sometimes she feels the same way.

I apologize for how needlessly prolix and boring this is, by the way. Because this is anonymous, I want to make sure all the facts are out there.

So two questions: one, how can I control/manage/kill that spark of jealousy? I don't want to treat her poorly or seem hurt or standoffish or childish when this sort of thing happens. Two, how can I be respectful of her feelings and not make her feel anything similar to what I felt? Have any of you been through this before? What should I know?

Thank you.

Is it okay if my boyfriend has sleep-overs with Sarah Palin?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:16:35 -0800

Is it okay if my boyfriend has sleep-overs with Sarah Palin? I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I will call him Leopold. His best friend lives about 1.5 hours away. I will call her Vanessa. While they were becoming close friends, the year before he started dating me, Leopold was getting over a bad break-up and most of his friends were still friends with his ex-girlfriend. Leopold and Vanessa soon became BFFs. Because of the distance and their love of beer, when they spent time together one of them usually ended up sleeping over at the other's apartment. When this happened, they slept in the same bed and, by his admission, cuddled.

Then Leopold and I met and started dating. Obviously, a new relationship takes up a lot of your time because you have to have sex thirteen times a day and send each other sappy text messages whenever you are apart, so I put some distance between Leopold and Vanessa when I entered the scene. However, Vanessa was still an important part of Leopold's life. He still talked to her on the phone regularly and continued to plan sleep-overs with her. He later told me he slept on the couch without her after we began dating, because he "knew" this would bother me (he didn't ask) but if he were dating someone else he would still be snuggling her regularly.

Whenever Vanessa called, he would either leave to speak to her privately or offer to call her back when he was alone, because she told him she didn't feel comfortable talking to him when I'm around. Sometimes he would schedule phone dates during which I could not come over or call him because he had to spend several hours chatting with her. At first, I tried to be understanding because Vanessa seemed to have one emotional crisis after another. She had never-ending boy problems and insecurities and needed her BFF to comfort her. Vanessa is also extremely easily offended and if Leopold was tired or grouchy while talking to her, she would throw a fit and he would have to make it up to her. All this seemed at best inappropriate and at worst totally manipulative and psycho.

Another strange aspect of their relationship is that Leopold and Vanessa do not seem to have anything in common. Leopold is extremely intelligent, curious, rational and incredulous. He has many interests, and he is especially passionate about politics. Everyone who knows him knows he is progressive, an atheist, a democrat, and cares deeply about issues of inequality, particularly gay rights and women's rights. Everyone except Vanessa knows this. Somehow, Vanessa became his best friend and these parts of his life just never came up. Vanessa is a bible-thumping, evolution-denying, fact-hating, fetus-hugging, gay-marriage-opposing, college-senior-virgin. Vanessa's social networking profile lists the bible as her favorite book, god and reading the bible are her first interests and her political beliefs are "conservative." She is not hiding her opinions, but Leopold sheltered her from his. Leopold told me a lot about her world-view because he was constantly counseling her when we were first dating. He told me she is waiting until marriage to have sex, but doesn't care if her husband has had sex before. He told me she has a lot of unrealistic romantic expectations. He told me she won't make the first move, obsesses over guys who treated her badly for months after they're gone, and complains routinely that she is lonely and wants to have sex. She told Leopold that she masturbates all the time and her husband will be "so happy" because she has such a great appetite. Too bad there's no way to know if their appetites are compatible until after they promise to sleep with no one else forever! Leopold and I agree, this girl is crazy, but he would never tell her that.

Obviously, I don't like Vanessa. Leopold could tell, so avoided talking to me about her unless to complain. Leopold has never lied to me as far as I know, but because he could sense my uneasiness, be began to omit information about their meetings. Because we spend so much time together, we effectively know where the other person is most of the time. We don't check up on each other, but we let the other know if we won't be able to spend the night or meet for dinner. He tells me when he's going to hang out with his in-town friends, but when he planned on meeting with Vanessa, he always had another reason to leave town and I only found out later that he spent time with her. He really did leave town for the reason he gave, and always said their meeting's were spontaneous. Before I went on vacation, he complained for weeks that he would miss me and be bored to death. When I called him from the airport on my way home, he couldn't talk because he was at Vanessa's apartment, where he had spent most of the week.

Of course I was unhappy about her controlling behavior and eventually complained about it to Leopold. It took time, though, to convince myself I had a right to complain. I was afraid I was being unreasonable. But this girl clearly gets special treatment from Leopold unlike any normal friend. He protects her feelings, hides his true opinions, and used to cuddle in her bed! Because I hesitated to confront him, I had a lot of pent-up emotions and even after talking to him I do not feel entirely comfortable with their relationship. She stopped calling him in the middle of the night. She has stopped insisting he make time away from me for private phone calls as frequently. They talk much less often now. He admitted their meetings were somewhat covert, but insists that was unintentional. He also says I have no right to ask to know where he is all the time or who he spends time with, and I agree. And although I think this girl is nuts and I don't understand why they are friends, he says he doesn't have to justify his friendships to me. I sort of agree with that too.

The distance between our cities along with a series of car problems and severe weather events prevented me from meeting Vanessa for a long time. I suspect she did not want to meet me. She attended a birthday party for Leopold about 5 months into our relationship, but left before we were introduced because she "wasn't feeling well." I think her illness had something to do with being surrounded by dirty, sex-having heathens. I finally met her last week after dating Leopold for about 22 months. This isn't entirely his fault. After a while I was avoiding her as much as I imagined she was avoiding me because I was nervous. I finally insisted that we do something when I knew she was coming to town. Our meeting was friendly and unspectacular. She told me that Pepsi redesigned their logo to look more like the Obama logo, and generally revealed herself to be dense but affable. At the end of the night, Leopold and Vanessa hugged several times while I cringed. I do not understand this friendship. My friends don't agree with me on everything, but we also don't hide things from each other. If my friends thought I was on the wrong side of an issue, I'd want them to say so, even if we had to agree to disagree. I would never censor myself in front of friends, only senile relatives. But I am trying to be understanding!

From his perspective, she is just a good friend who provided emotional support during a bad time for him. Politics didn't come up because his personal problems eclipsed everything else during their first year as friends. He did modify his behavior when we began dating and again when I expressed my discomfort. Because I can see his side, it was extremely difficult to tell him how upset I was, but eventually I did. He thinks he has set reasonable boundaries. I'm still unhappy. Everything I have written here, I have said to him. What I really want, and can never ask for, is for her to just go away forever. Is that as crazy as it sounds? Their relationship may be platonic now, but I feel like she is the ex he never dated. He wouldn't cheat on me. I do trust him. So what am I so freaked out about? Is there anything else I can ask for without being a crazy jealous girlfriend? Can I pay someone to push her off a cliff or offer her a job in Australia?

How can I get over being jealous of my boyfriend's ex?

Night_owl — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 21:04:08 -0800

How do I get over my jealousy of my boyfriend's sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, and how do I not take it out on him if I can't rein it in? Sorry, this is kind of long. We have been dating for just over a year. This is my first serious LTR, his third. He still keeps in close contact with his previous long term girlfriend, C. When we started dating, he said he was unsure that he wanted to be exclusive with me, but that he also didn't want to lose me to anyone else. This led to an agreement whereby he would be free to have (safe) sex with other women, and I would be committed to him. Okay, sure.

He's had a few opportunities over the past year to have sex with other women, and turned them all down. He mentioned to C that he was going to be home around Christmastime and that he was interested in having sex with her. Well, she liked the sound of that.

Right now, he's on the plane to meet up with her and go do things in his hotel room.

C broke off the relationship with him about 10 months before he and I started dating, so I worry that he still has some residual feelings for her and when he sleeps with her he'll decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore emotionally. This is compounded by the fact that lately when we have sex, he seems to be enjoying it less. He needs the mental and real images of other women to get off, when previously he was satisfied with just me. I'm also concerned that once he sleeps with her he will no longer desire me sexually. I'm attractive, not perfect, but attractive. But she is 6 inches taller and ten pounds lighter, and he told me once that if she hadn't dumped him they'd probably be married by now.

I know this is really stupid. He has asked me several times if it was okay that he was doing this. I voiced my concerns, but then told him that it was okay for him to sleep with her. In all, he's a wonderful guy. I'm just really jealous of all the attention she has in his mind right now. How do I stop being jealous of her, and how can I refrain from letting the boyfriend see how much this upsets me?

Neighbor dating drama conundrum!

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 05:06:14 -0800

All's fair in love and war? A guy I am dating has pitted me against my neighbor, do I ditch him? So I met this great guy and we really hit it off, you know all that sort of stuff. I felt a lot of chemistry with him and I was so happy that I had met someone who enjoying doing the same things I do. Problem was that when we started dating I was going away for some time. When I left he said he would miss me, but we didn't really ever talk about exclusivity because it had only been a week.

We live in a strange little place out in the country with about 500 other students. It's kind of isolated and drama is admittedly rampant. Apparently, while I was gone he had a little fling (involving sex, of course) with a next door neighbor (I have about 16 of those) while I was gone. He made it clear to her that it wasn't serious, but she developed feelings for him and when he told her that he couldn't see her anymore because he wanted something serious with me, she was pretty angry. He claims that he always made it clear that this was a fling, but she thinks he lead her on.

This neighbor and I aren't really friends, but we have some common friends and they all tell me to not resume dating him even though before this incident some of them told me that we were perfect for each other. On one hand I think it's pretty sleazy to date my neighbor while I'm gone, but on the other this place is pretty weird and I and many other victims/residents here have done similarly sleazy things that we wouldn't normally do because it's a little crazy here. Also, we didn't have an commitment when I left and well...everyone is a neighbor here.

I really like this guy and he now wants to be exclusive. We had also planned a trip and everything is all booked...and I was really excited because there is so much we wanted to do together that my past boyfriends never would have done. And while this group of girlfriends is nice, I haven't been friends for them very long and during this time they haven't really had my back (left me alone after I drank heavily, etc.), so I'm not sure I want to sacrifice a potentially good relationship for them. Both this guy and I come from a different country and we are going back there in four months.

Ack, I'm really torn about this because I know this place is insane and makes people do crazy things, but I'm also a little worried about what this says about his character. Should I tell him I can't date him anymore?

How do deal with a jealous spouse?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 08:16:35 -0800

How do you deal with a spouse who is jealous of your friendships and family relationships? We are newly married. She is estranged from her parents and siblings. I still get emails or phone calls from family members every 1-2 weeks. She gets upset. I've started taking phonecalls only when she isn't there. Today she told me she read through my email and found recent correspondence with my family. The contents were merely a request for a dinner recipe. She is acting like she is the aggrieved party. How do I deal with this?

I've stopped mentioning their existence as much as possible. I never expected/requested her to visit them on holidays or to have any kind of relationship with them at all.

Side note: my family has problems, but I keep them isolated from my relationship. I don't allow their problems to radically affect my emotional state.

She is also jealous of friendships. Not all my friends are successful, happy people -- but some are. She finds something unacceptable with all of them.

I'm less concerned about keeping these friends (none of them are close) and have spent much less time with them. Now, that she is demanding I cut ties with my family, I wonder if that was a mistake.