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How to keep a difficult phone call from imploding?

cat_link — Fri, 17 May 2013 14:19:30 -0800

Need to update an out of the loop narcissistic sibling about our Mother's declining health. Wish do do this without fueling her issues and having it turn into a blame game. Snow storm details ahead! Background: Four middle aged children raised by parents who meant well but made their share of mistakes. Two of us live near our parents, two of us live out of state. Three of us have good to great parental relationships. With time we developed the maturity to realize that while we may not have always received what we wanted our parents always operated from a place of love and did the best they could given their own issues/foibles.

The fourth (Raylene) has always been a classic middle child and has nurtured a good sized chip on her shoulder. She turns every event inward and interprets any family interaction as personal criticism and lack of recognition for the perceived wrongs she has suffered. Her actions over the years became worse instead of better. It would take a book to highlight the hurtful behavior she has indulged in.

Our Father has always been abrupt, impatient and poor at articulating love and approval. As many men of his generation he expressed his feelings by being the best provider he could be and tried to teach by example.

Our Mother's primary focus in life was her husband. She followed his lead in family matters. She has Parkinson's and has been steadily loosing abilities and options for the last 5 years or so.

Present:

The youngest (Deedee) has always been the family peacemaker and has (due to proximity, personality and close relationship) been involved on a daily basis with helping to care for our Mother during her progressive decline. She works fulltime, has a husband and child and maintains involvement in a wide variety of social and charitable endeavors. Deedee became the last of the siblings to become so frustrated with Raylene's actions that she joined the rest of us in no longer putting forth the effort to stay in touch this past year. To be honest, I don't know how Deedee can juggle so many obligations and stay sane.

Our brother helps the parents a great deal, but like our Father, does so in a more pragmatic less hands on manner. He is able to communicate man-to-man with Father so has taken on the task of being Dad's right hand and handling much of the details of medical issues.

Brother and Deedee are in daily contact and work well together. Brother and I get on fine but with his frequent travel due to work seldom phone each other. Deedee keeps us all in touch. Deedee and I text/email frequently and usually phone at least once a week.

Raylene has made no attempt to keep in touch with our parents or any of the siblings. She has not called our Mother since January. She last saw our Mother a year ago when she flew into town for just under 24 hours for Mother's 75th birthday. (Siblings had planned the party and let Raylene know as soon as the plans were made.) Prior to that she had visited the area for 10 days with her children, staying at Deedee's. During that visit she spent a total of 2 hours alone with Mother because "It is just so difficult to see her like that" and bursts into tears. That was almost 3 years ago. We have also been aware of several trips she made to the area (Facebook) where she never contacted any family member.

Our Father has been taxed mentally, physically and emotionally during this period. He has amazed us with the level of care he has given. He (who always believed in treating his children equally) has become very saddened and disgusted with Raylene's treatment towards Mother. And to be honest, just no longer has it in him to be subjected to her emotional outbursts and accusations.

The issue:

Mother has begun a new level of decline. Medications are not helping much anymore. Our Father finally realized he could no longer care for her at home. Within a week of acknowledging this Mother was moved to a very nice assisted living facility, moving in the day after Mother's Day.

The prior week was a roller coaster of dealing in details (largely Deedee and our brother who lives in the area), being aware of our Father's level of grief and being sure he was ok, breaking the news to Mother, etc. I've been active in suggestions, decisions and brainstorming from afar. I have traveled frequently to assist over the the years and am ready to do so again.

We had assumed Raylene would at least call on Mother's Day and our Father was going to update her at this point. She did not call. She did send a card. She has not inquired about her Mother's condition in any manner since she last called in January. Our Mother can not dial a phone. Our Father has been too overwhelmed trying to keep Mother healthy, clean and fed to call anyone except for local siblings when he needs immediate help. Deedee has been putting in a good 20+ hours a week helping with Mother and really does not have the energy to deal with Raylene's histrionics on top of that.

Raylene's Facebook postings for the year continue to rant about how awful her family treats her and have had some odd alluding to possible psychiatric issues.

I've volunteered to call Raylene and give her the update. I tired of being rebuffed each time I attempted contact and stopped trying years ago.

My goals are to calmly let Raylene know the reality of Mother's health and where she is living. Once Raylene knows then it is her choice whether she calls, visits or doesn't. The rest of us siblings only care as far as knowing Mother loves her and would want to see her.

How do I maneuver her tendency to turn each situation into a personal affront? How do I make it clear to her that she needs to pull up her big girl panties and realize that this is not about her? How do I convey that any anger and listing of past wrongs will simply add too much stress to Father and Deedee and ultimately Mother?

I am considering calling Raylene's husband first to give him a heads up. He is a nice fellow and loves Raylene very much. His dysfunctions match well with hers and consequently he has never considered that there may be another side to her family issues.

Any suggestions of what to say and how to avoid this minefield of emotional buttons is appreciated! Thanks for wading through this massive soap opera.

How can I gain perspective in my possibly red flaggy relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 18:21:17 -0800

Either one of two things has happened. (1) I've met someone I'm very compatible with who has "matching baggage" and with some patience it will work out to be a happy, healthy, sustainable relationship. OR (2) I've met someone whose issues spell trouble for me, and I may need to cut my losses but I'm not sure where to start. I'm way too close to it, and on balance so far it's definitly something I want to keep working on because I care about him a lot and like how we fit together - but I need a reality check. Green flags include: Sense of emotional safety and security, feeling of familiarity due to a high level of compatibility, great conversations, similar sense of humor, intellectual and emotional chemistry, goodwill, healthy conflict styles, similar personalities about money/cleanliness, similar emotional buttons. He tries to see things from my point of view while challenging me if I get too far in my head about things or become unreasonable. Great emotional intimacy better than I've ever experienced in a relationship. We have a defenseless sort of dynamic that is sweet, and novel to me, and so dear. Although he is underemployed he has been helping around the house, providing emotional support for me on hard days, running errands and generally trying to not be a mooch. We have fun and when things get hard he is absolutely wonderful about it.

It all feels very easy and natural, and most of the time my only complaint is that I've let some practical areas fall by the wayside and become a little less social with others in my crowd because I want to spend so much time with him. (He isn't influencing me to do that and doesn't try to isolate me or anything like that.)

Red flags include: Both out of somewhat serious relationships fairly recently before we met. He has a history of porn issues (which he has been open about with me); we're codependent as all hell (which I'm starting to suspect is the only type of relationship that feels normal to me - but in his case we're both givers so it's kind of balanced); relationship is very new and has moved quickly/intensely. He is currently underemployed (but more or less consistently seeking). About the porn - I might have caught him using it recently, which he denied - and that's the bigger issue, that he denied it (if it was what I thought it was, and it might not have been). I need some way of trusting him on it more than this. His explanation sounded reasonable, but I know that addiction can be hard for people to face and I'm worried that he thinks lying is the answer. He has admitted to a history of cheating. Neither of us have the most shiny pasts, and for me that isn't a big deal because I know *I* changed, and folks are innocent until proven otherwise in my book. But I've been told I'm naive, too. Aside from possibly catching him using porn and then denying it, he's done nothing for me to question him.

On balance, aside from the employment status and the porn I am swept off my feet - and I'm pretty far gone anyway, to be continuing a relationship that involves those things. We fit, and I love him in spite of these things but I am concerned that they will become a problem. I don't know how to maintain my positive perspective about him while bracing myself for that possibility. I'm not good at feeling love for someone while also mistrusting them or judging their actions in a suspicious light.

Additionally, I've had poor boundaries with this man regarding privacy and I need to err on the side of caution about that. I feel ill (read: disloyal and hurtful) for thinking I need to change passwords, create fraud alerts, etc. but if he loves me he should understand. I need help figuring out what else I may need to do in this respect - do I tell the bank to be sure they only authorize withdrawals by myself, for example? (Before you jump down my throat about this decision-making, he did prove so far to not adjust any financials in any manner except what I've explicitly asked for, and he did have opportunities to act otherwise.) So how can I compensate for my irresponsibility in this area? Is there a way to prevent withdrawals by anyone other than me without changing the accounts?

So what I need from awesome mefites:
(1) Helpful questions or perspectives I can use to determine whether I'm missing anything about this situation
(2) Practical things to do to protect myself regarding how quickly I let him in too much to certain areas (i.e. preventing withdrawals from the bank by anyone besides me without changing too much stuff)
(3) What course of action seems appropriate to you? Keep in mind, I have a history of codependency and I see a therapist and I work on myself, and I strive to create healthy relationships but there is only so much I can do about what I find attractive and right now, this man is a "benefit" not a "cost" and I just want to act prudently while I give it all enough time to see more clearly.

Right now, my plan is to talk to him about backtracking a little bit as far as our intensity (which he has previously said he is fine with if I need it). I'm worried about how to do this without damaging the relationship, though. I also plan to talk to him about my concerns regarding the employment and porn issues. And that I can't in good conscience enable anything less than what he is capable of in those areas.

I care for him a lot - he is trying not to take advantage of my home as far as I can tell - I want to give this relationship the chance it deserves because no one is perfect and we are awesome together. But I admit part of me is worried I've just been duped by romance, so I want to be practical in things. And I know I don't have enough perspective on my own, hence the anon question. Thanks everyone.

Your problems ruined our relationship. Here, read this.

mrrisotto — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 11:59:20 -0800

I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend because of her refusal to seek treatment for alcohol abuse, and, in my opinion, the maladaptive behavior that causes it. She (now) says that she wants to work on these issues for herself and her future, but I have my reservations (read: she didn't work on any of these issues in our relationship, so I doubt she's going to work on them now). Is it appropriate to send her links that describe these disorders, symptoms and treatment options? I realize that this may result in resentment, utter hatred, and most likely her resorting to the same old tendencies (maybe even worse???), but I do still care for her and want her to be the best person she can be.

To feed large breed or not to feed: that is the question

Quincy — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 16:13:02 -0800

YANMV, however, I am waiting on a call back from my vet and as I am impatient and prone to obsessive behavior, I shall ask the same of the hive to see the consensus. Should I be feeding my 4 1/2 month old puppy large breed puppy food? Details inside. We adopted a lab terrier mix (our so we were told) in February. When we took him in to look at puppy food the clerk at the holistic pet store said that because Churchill has short stocky legs and knobby knees (like a basset hound), we should feed him large breed puppy food to prevent future joint complications. At the time, based on his paw size we also assumed he would be over 50 pounds. I asked my friend, who used to be a vet tech, and she confirmed as much. I painstakingly went about the process of deciding on a LB puppy food, and finally went with Holistic Select Large breed puppy. Two weeks ago we went for his final round of shots, and he only weighed 20 pounds. The rescues vet seemed to think that he may not even surpass 40 pounds full grown. So here's the thing: should he still be on the large breed food even though he isn't going to be a large dog per those guidelines. As it stands he is about to bottom out of the feeding guidelines for his food. Because of the Bassett knees should he still stay on the large breed for joint reasons? Here is the best picture I could manage to show what I am talking about with regard to the knobbiness. Any suggestions?

"Finding yourself"/transitions/deprogramming on a budget

hungry hippo — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 14:58:43 -0800

I want to shift my thinking style. I do therapy when I can afford it, which isn't a consistent option right now. I suspect there's a pea under the mattress at the core of several faulty thought patterns. I've shifted the pea in some contexts but not others. What are some concrete exercises and activities I can use - with minimal cost - that will help me unravel limiting beliefs, increase self-worth, highlight unproductive expectations so I can address them? Particular parameters inside. Ultimately, I want a stronger sense of my individual self/wants/needs/preferences, and I want to feel like I have healthy relationship ideals. My therapist does not want me using labels like codependency, and I agree with her reasoning. I have used this sort of goal in the past to feed my inner critic, so tips for avoiding that trap are also appreciated. So along with this, I would like to discover how to navigate this process of personal growth without adding to the pop psych, labeling, assumption/judgment mentality that has contributed to cognitive distortions.

I have difficulty with consistent internal focusing, due in part to what I suspect is a kind of dissociative amnesia for some things I've experienced. Avoidance. So I need approaches to this self-discovery and increased sense of myself that don't threaten my sense of safety.

I've been trying to stay in tune with my emotions and feelings throughout the day, and am making some progress. I've had days of feeling very strong in myself, but I suspect it's related to empathizing with friends who have a strong sense of self and being around people who express confidence in me/validation.

Ultimately, I just want to feel happy and healthy. I want to feel like I have a healthy mindset about relationships and self-love. I want this stuff to be natural, not something I have to work at. Currently I feel like there are two worlds of people - (1) people who are secure/ have had good enough relational experiences/have not had too much trauma/well-adjusted and (2) people who struggle to feel normal and healthy about themselves or who have to work at it. The "broken" and the "pristine." I know that it isn't helpful to divide things up that way but it's a visceral feeling. I want to move from 2 to 1.

Speeding up Lightroom on Mac Pro

Admiral Haddock — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 09:39:47 -0800

I use a mid-2009 Mac Pro for photo editing / cataloging in Lightroom. Performance has been increasingly unsatisfactory. Looking for your advice re: upgrades to the Mac Pro, or perhaps getting a new Macbook Pro. Specs inside. The Mac Pro is a 2 x 2.26 quad core Xeon running 10.6.8 with 14 GB of physical RAM (I can't remember how the sticks are configured--but it's not perfectly matched (maybe 2 6s and a 2gb?)). Main hard drive (i.e., where applications reside) is a 640 GB 7200 RPM WD Caviar Blue. All my drive bays are filled (one with a Time Machine volume, and the other two with drives for the Lightroom catalog). I'm running LR 4.1 (build 829322).

I'm editing full-size RAW files output from a 5dMKIII. Maybe 25MB+ each. I increased the size of LR's cache, but I can't remember to what. I have LR set to render full size previews.

LR is really laggy, whether switching between images in the catalog, using the mask brush, the spot healing tool--really anything. It's getting really annoying.

Obviously, I haven't upgraded to the newest OS or the newest version of LR. I've been reluctant, given that each version of LR has gotten (IMO) progressively laggier.

What's the best way of getting some (go on, say it) snappiness back? More RAM? Increase the size of the LR cache? Upgrade to LR 4.3? SSD (and if a SSD is the way to go, do you have a particular model to recommend for a desktop)? Or is this just throwing good money after "bad," given that this is coming up on a four-year old machine, and should I just get a new retina Macbook Pro?

Thanks!

Can something that starts out wrong turn out right? (relationship wise)

mockpuppet — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 12:44:34 -0800

Have you ever had a relationship, that maybe not DTMFA worthy, started out pretty rocky but eventually turned in to something good and healthy? Details are appreciated. I know that the common wisdom around here is that if a relationship starts out with a lot of problems, challenges and issues it's likely to fail. But I'm interested in hearing the opposite end of the story (if there is one). Have you had a relationship that started with an imbalanced level of passion, or interest, or large issues you needed to work through, that worked out? Are you still with that person? Was it worth it?

Concerns for living in the Arctic Circle - Advice Needed!

circle_b — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 17:28:00 -0800

I need advice about the possibility living in Northern Alaska, Kotzebue/Nome/north of the 65th parallel. I have about a million logistical questions, a little disorganized, including questions about mental health problems, medications, getting specialist care. If you needed medical care on a regular basis several hundred miles away, how did you arrange that? Lots of other questions about living in the arctic! Help! I'm looking at a job interview! Hooray! I am so unemployed! Whee! A whole lot of questions follow... obviously these are all contingent on actually getting offered a job.

While I'm from the Pacific Northwest, I've never been up to Alaska. Particularly never Kotzebue/Nome. I hear people describing the arctic circle as "beautiful", but the towns as also "grimly dreary". The job offers great pay (though I know cost of living is very high), great benefits, loan repayment, and a whole lot of vacation time, continuing education benefits, etc.

The job would be in a small tribal health association, doing women's health (obstetrics/gynecology, presumably pretty low volume). If anyone has been a health care provider in northern Alaska, I would absolutely love to hear your experiences.

My main concern; I have bipolar disorder, diagnosed several years ago after a manic/mixed episode. I've been on medication since then, and am currently on a couple of daily meds. I can't miss days; missing one day, I feel funny, missing two days I feel godawful. I need my medication supply to be regular like clockwork, and a lot of things discuss occasional breaks in shipping/flying due to weather.
I can't stop my meds for a month or have a break in-between while figuring things out. Ditto for my birth control (it's for things other than just contraception). Any way to arrange anything in advance? Would I need to get stuff shipped through Medco?

I've been stable for a long time, with some minor depressive episodes; but I stayed in school, did well, got my bachelor's with honors, got my Master's degree in an incredibly stressful field, didn't have to take any breaks.

I talked to my psychiatrist - asked if this position would be a bad idea. he said "not necessarily", presuming I got a therapy light, exercised every day, didn't drink, and monitored any symptoms doggedly. This is all very do-able, and things I work on anyway. And I know and accept that any place I move to would be, frankly, lonely for potentially a long while before making friends, and that adjustment is going to be something to work on actively.

My major concern is, how to get setup with a psychiatrist or other doctor/NP who will prescribe my psych pills? in advance? it seems like the state of Alaska is much more amenable to telemedicine also (given the extremely low population density). How did you get your medications while living up in the far north? How hard/easy is it to have a doctor in, say, Anchorage? I'm concerned that I might be working for the only game in town, if I were to get this job. If you needed to see a doctor that wasn't available in a very small area, and the nearest one was an hour by plane, how did you figure that out/arrange it?

Another set of probably dumb questions; I'd like to get a dog, but - owning a dog while living in the arctic, in an apartment? This is another dumb question, but, am I going to be able to take the dog for a walk, assuming I can suck it up and also take myself for a walk?

Pros: I think I'm up for another adventure in my life here; the position itself offers great pay/benefits as mentioned. Being able to be financially secure and debt-free before age 35 (I currently have 6-figure student loans). Living in a beautiful place. I'm interested in learning to hunt/fish. Have enough disposable income to order books I want to read, or art supplies I want to have? Subsidized housing. They say a lot of people don't own cars, I find that a real bonus.

Cons: Arctic winters. Small, extremely isolated town on the other end of the world. Higher probability of being terminally single for another few years. I'm from a rural area (my first conversation with the HR director somehow wound up on the topic of rifle ranges), but have grown accustomed to my current urban lifestyle - going to a coffeeshop, eating out wherever (there are a few restaurants in this town), going to an art museum now and again, roommates, etc. Unlikely to be able to garden. Living in an apartment.

I know that going anywhere (I'm looking for jobs all over the country), to adjust, I need to really invest and throw myself all-in to the community/area I move to (no half-assing if I'm living somewhere for 3 or 4 years), so I've been reading a lot about all the different places I'm applying to, in order to get psyched about each of the places, but I just want to investigate if the logistics of my own health care would work out.

What other things am I not thinking of here? Help!

Kindle self-help book recommendations

f3l1x — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 13:49:25 -0800

Looking for recommendations of effective books/workbooks/web resources on emotional intelligence, abandonment issues, anger, fear, jealousy, trust issues and self-compassion. Bonus points for including all of the above and being available on Kindle. I know you're supposed to catch onto a lot of this before you are 30, but I didn't, for one reason and another (see below). Result: general low-self-worth with frequent angry outbursts and patches of very controlling/mean/weird behaviour related to romantic jealousy. Oh and major co-dependent streaks.

I don't know whether my current relationship will weather the storm that's currently raging within (mostly within), but I do know that I need to do some serious work on me, NOW, and I would really love recommendations of effective books that will help me understand how to navigate my emotions like a grown-up and be nice to myself in the process. I'm ideally looking for stuff that has really helped clever people to get where they need to be, which is why I'm here rather than the google search box.

I am about to start seeing a CBT-based therapist for twelve weeks and thinking about looking at different kinds of therapy in the future (perhaps talking about issues from my past etc.), but in the meantime I just want to be reading as much good stuff as possible on my Kindle to make sense of some of this!

I would also love to hear of books that are about developing independence (or healthy interdependence, or whatevs) as a grown up, not feeling the need for a relationship and how to be nice to people without constantly people-pleasing and having no boundaries.

If there are books particularly about abandonment issues stemming from dads leaving and single mothers drinking, struggling financially, being scared of everything, and viewing romantic relationships as lifeboats for most of your childhood/adolescence, leading to anger, fear and jealousy in later life, then double triple bonus points.

Thanks in advance, folks.

Questions about a court appearance.

Rosengeist — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 20:51:40 -0800

How do I let a judge know I plan to take a driving course? So, recently I was involved in an accident. I was the one who caused the accident, due to being new to an area and unfamiliar with the terrain/road conditions. Thankfully, no one was harmed in the accident, and while I did hit another car, it caused only minor damage. The officer who came to the scene said this happens often in the town and was sympathetic, but had to give me a citation which required I appear in court. My citation was specifically because I failed to excercise due caution. I plan to plead guilty when I have my court date, but I had a few questions and was hoping someone might have some advice/ideas on them. This isn't a major case, I'm just receiving a sentence for a citation, so I have not hired a lawyer. As far as I was made aware, it wasn't neccesary for this sort of infraction.

Someone suggested to me that I plead no contest rather than not guilty. As far as I can tell, this doesn't offer me much in the way of benefits in court, if anything, I am afraid it might agitate the judge. Are there any benefits? Would such a plea get me in trouble?

Also, I plan on volunteering to take a driving safety course over the holidays while I am on break. As far as I understand, doing this can help you out in a case such as mine, and at any rate, it doesn't hurt to brush up. At what point is it appropriate to inform the judge of this, or is it something you simply alert the court to after the fact? Also, I will be traveling to another state for the holidays, which is when I plan to take the course. Do I need to take the class in the state where the accident occured? Is there a time frame this needs to be completed in?

Any advice guys? Hoping to get out of this with maybe a few hundred in fines and a slap on the wrist. Generally, I have a good driving record, and this is the first accident I've been involved in in over a decade (back when I was a 16 year old newb.). Don't really have that much experience with traffic court, or courts in general, so any advice is appreciated.

Boyfriend and I coming to crossroads: conflict and pursue/withdraw

hungry hippo — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 06:44:13 -0800

How to deal with incompatible conflict styles? My boyfriend avoids and I try to confront/face things. He hates to talk about it. I hate to leave it unaddressed. It's straining the relationship. My boyfriend is very conflict averse. I don't like conflict but I realize you won't always agree in relationships and won't always understand what someone needs from you. So when that happens, you talk about it. No yelling, name-calling, criticizing. But I think even when I approach with "fair fighting" ideas, my boyfriend experiences me as critical because he seems to hear "you are failing me". He gets flooded and disappears (literally or emotionally). The sense of disconnection makes everything worse. It takes so much willpower not to chase him and try to work it out, and sometimes I fail and chase anyway (not to fight but to try to reconnect).

It's to the point where he's said my conflict style (to be open and honest about issues, and seek reassurance sometimes) gives him doubts about us working. I didn't tell him this yet, but his style also gives me doubts. I don't know how I can have a mindful approach to conflict and apply it effectively with someone who shuts down every time.

I have trouble with the ambiguity of him having doubts, so my first thought when he said it was to end the relationship but that isn't mature. So now I'm thinking of asking for a deadline for him to decide whether he believes my need to discuss things is a dealbreaker.

We're trying to hear each other. But we've been dating six months and I am worried that we're coming to an impasse. This has led to me adjusting my communication, since he can only seem to handle negative feedback when I deliver it cheerfully or use positive reinforcement (he's also a very passive person). He seems to recognize that his conflict style is bad for relationships, and said on his own he wants to try and change it.

The worst thing for me, is trying to leave him alone when he withdraws. Because it makes me physically ill. He is often not open to communication of any sort at that time - but because he is also passive, it isn't often that he will reach out when he is over it, so I'm left trying to guess when I can reconnect.

We work really really well together when things are good. I think he is hoping for a relationship where there is never negativity. And he seems independent enough that he is willing to sacrifice relationship altogether if it "drags him down" at all.

OTOH he seems to do okay disagreeing when my negative feelings make sense to him and he figured out on his own that I would be upset. The problem is when my reactions surprise him and when he thinks they don't make sense.

Bottom line: he is losing interest and we are both having serious doubts. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to meet his family and I'm worried this is a bad idea now. He's said he still wants it - even though he has some doubts now. WTH. I don't know how to act around him now. My heart hurts. I wish I knew what to do.

How do you deal with conflict in a relationship when the person doesn't want to talk about it?

Can you really be addicted to a certain kind of sadness?

entropy33 — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 07:39:44 -0800

Can you really be addicted to a certain kind of sadness? Ugh...I hate that song. My boyfriend has serious intimacy issues but is trying to work on them. I feel intermittently insecure/frustrated/sad/angry and I don't know how much longer I can take it... Backstory: dated a guy from college through my mid-twenties. Great guy, though lots of trouble early on - first real relationship for both of us. Moved together to attend grad school but he was incredibly depressed and had been for years and we'd started drifting apart, not being physically intimate, etc. I broke up with him, had a rebound, which I'm not proud of as the guy was a really good guy and I hurt him a lot. Then I met someone I fell totally and completely in love with. He had...a lot of problems, though. Untreated bipolar, manipulative, not very nice to the point where he was certainly emotionally abusive. We lasted 2.5 years, much of it long distance and it really killed my self-esteem. He finally broke up with me (just as I was defending my dissertation proposal and moving to a new city to do my dissertation research, so that was rough) but we stayed in touch off and on for another 9 months because he wanted to be friends and I couldn't let go.

Then I finally decided I couldn't handle it anymore and went no contact for real. I didn't tell him, I just did it. Since the breakup I'd dated a little, but nothing could stick. Right before I finally ended contact, I started hanging out with this guy I liked quite a bit. He was fun and funny and personable but he had this air of sadness and, imo, hidden depths. Turns out he'd been recently dumped by a women who'd strung him a long for over a year, including periods of actually being together. I know this woman and she's actually pretty cool...just emotionally unavailable. So the guy and I started hanging out, having deep, emotional conversations about our pasts and our issues. Admittedly, mostly we talked about him.

Eventually we hooked up and it was pretty good. Then he went cold and distant. For a month. Then we hooked up again and the deep conversations ramped up and we started doing really fun things together. It's been on and off for a year now, even though we currently live in different cities. And it's been pretty bad. He's a borderline alcoholic, clinically depressed (though treating it), hates his job and his life though actually his life is really pretty good. He makes a lot of money, he's in good shape, he has great friends though he keeps them at a distance and has a tendency to lash out at the closest ones whenever he's drunk. I've been the recipient of the worst of the lashing out. He's gotten black-out drunk and called me names, he's lied to me and lied to his friends about me and probably worst of all, we had somewhat unprotected sex for many months before he told me he had herpes (I didn't get it, though that doesn't really make it any better).

All along he's said he's not ready for a relationship, he can't handle a relationship, he's not sure he loves me, as he's never been able to love anyone, he's not yet over his divorce of 7 years ago, he has abandonment issues because he's adopted, etc. Listen to people when they tell you who they are/what they want. I know. Of course, whenever I'd back off, he'd chase me, hard, sucking me back in with some weird combination of his pain and misery and ability to make me laugh.

He has strung me along, no question. He wants me and loves being with me but he's so messed up (he says) and isn't sure he'll ever be capable of a real relationship. Yet things have gotten much better recently. He's much more open about the fact that we're seeing each other (he used to hide a lot of our interactions from his friends), he always responds to texts/emails/chats/calls (though he still doesn't initiate all that much), he's generous and sweet when I visit him, and, most importantly, I think, he says he really wants to work on his intimacy and communication issues. He says it. But I'm not sure he's really doing it. It's still excruciatingly hard to have any conversation that touches on emotions with him. He just gets defensive and withdraws.

He depends on me very much for emotional support and I depend on him for...I don't know. I don't know what I get out of this or why I've stuck with it for so long. He's funny and can be sweet and he's good in bed and a great cook. He obviously does care about me when he's not being incredibly selfish and self-centered. He tells me I'm one of the smartest, most interesting people he's ever met, which has been really nice to hear, given the way my emotionally abusive ex would constantly put me down (he was a a professor, I'm still a lowly phd student...but mostly he was just an unkind, unhappy person). But current ex is not intellectually curious, he refuses to ever initiate plans (though he'll latch onto other people's), he's lived in one place his whole life, has never gone on a trip alone, he says he wants to do more than exercise and get drunk most nights with his friends...but he doesn't.

So what's my problem? Why is it so hard to let go of an alcoholic 38-year old who's caused me so much pain? Am I just emotionally unavailable myself? My 3 most significant relationships have all been with people with serious problems being emotionally open and generally a tendency towards serious depression, which should perhaps tell me something. But I love him, I really do. Maybe I'm addicted to the intermittent positive responses or to the signs of progress, tiny and incremental as they are. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm really frustrated with him and with myself and I need to do something about it.

Thank you.

How can I let go of my trust issues with my father?

Kitty Cornered — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 12:09:48 -0800

Father issues: How to let go and move on, how to trust, and if I should. My father and I have been somewhat estranged over the last 10 years. We have seen each other at family funerals and hospital bedsides. We’ve been polite and spoken as needed. He would tell me during those times that he wanted to move on from our rift, he wanted to “make good” but then I wouldn’t hear from him. These situations were heartbreaking for me.

Back-story: My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage 13 years ago- my father had an affair. This upset me but was not the cause of our rift. My parents' marriage wasn't a happy one. Common story isn't it? We were very close until that point; he was a good father. I was in my late 20s and my father told me a variety of horrific things about my mother and other relatives. He did this to I believe spread the guilt. I know now that some were distortions of the truth (and that is a generous way of putting it). But these situations he told me were very difficult for me as they isolated me-I could not talk to my mom, sister or other relatives without sharing what he said. As the years went by, I found out from another relative that he had cheated on my mom at another time when I was a child. While I was truly disappointed and saddened, it did not devastate me. I am now 40 and 1)he did not cheat on me-I am his daughter and was not his wife, and 2) I realize he is just a human being and makes mistakes like all of us. However, I am having trouble forgiving him for the statements/lies he told me and the isolation that he put me in that have caused me so much grief. There's more to it than this, but this is an example. My father has a history of very harsh statements to me since the divorce. And for whatever reason, if he says it, it breaks me. If anyone else said it, I could just ignore it.

Now, another funeral recently, and he actually followed through and emailed me. Now he wants to come around. I want to let go of my anger and hurt. Is that a good idea? I want to move forward and I am mad as hell at him still. How do I let go of all the past anger from decades past? I went to therapy for two years in the past about my damn daddy issues and the end result was that if he caused me to much distress, it is ok for me to not have in my life. Which is what I did. He is getting older and is health is getting worse. I don’t want to be a person who is resentful or regrets but I’m scared that this man who I’m so vulnerable to will hurt me again. How do I move forward? I want to lessen the importance of him in my life if I do decide to have him in my life-how does one do that? How can this strong independent 40 year old woman not fall to pieces because her dad emailed her?

I know individuals that have fathers that completely abandoned them, that abused them and these individuals have forgiven and I just don’t know how. So forgive me if this seems so small. I have half of me that says why trust someone who treats you poorly and is so selfish, and the other half (and family members) who emphasize that this is your father. Arrghh.

I would appreciate any tangible help-not just theory but what worked for you, books, etc. Much thanks.

I keep saying things without meaning to!

Trexsock — Sat, 13 Oct 2012 09:44:15 -0800

What is wrong with me? YANMD but freaking out. Basically this has been happening for a little while (I've only noticed recently.) and it's really giving me major anxiety. I know you're not my doctor/therapist/etc (I don't have one at the moment, but working towards insurance as soon as possible. I'm not in the US.) but looking for some advice.

Whenever I listen to music with headphones on (meaning I can't hear myself speak and, for the most part, anything but the music itself) I tend to hum under my breath. This has always happened and never been much of an issue. However, lately, I've noticed that I will actually hum/whisper out words when I type. Say, if I type 'yup, nice to see you too' (random example), I might mutter the whole sentence, or just the 'nice' or something. My partner has told me he noticed it and friends have as well. (I.e I just wrote "And okay" to someone in an IM conversation and found myself repeating those words out loud/under my breath, without actually noticing I was doing it.) I do repeat everything I say in my mind (or maybe I write what I'm thinking? Not sure, but the saying it out loud is really freaking me out.

It might not be nothing, but does it happen to anyone else? Should I just keep my mouth shut and force myself to not do it? Tully distressed at the moment.

How can I pass as a normal person?

Rosengeist — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 19:56:19 -0800

Pretending to be normal. I'll try to be brief, clear and concise, even if those particular traits are not my forte.

I'm in school to become an artist, but I am slowly, slowly becoming afraid that I lack some very essential components to thriving in that career, or heck, even functioning at life. There is just something wrong with me. I used to think it was just a quirkiness, a little something off that could be endearing. More and more, I am finding it is actually a huge problem. Most of the time, I don't feel human. It's like I'm an alien who crash landed on earth and can only survive by pretending to be human, Studying human beings and trying to emulate them, but never really getting it right.

Simply put, I have medically verifiable cognitive problems, amongst them depression, an increasingly worsening case of ADHD, and some problems with memory and information retention. As I'm getting older I'm finding it harder and harder to communicate with people. I'm doing all I can to address this, but I don't know what else I can do. I'm concise about taking my medication daily, in as much as I can I'm trying to take physical care of myself. School makes it hard to do that all the time, but I do my utmost.

I've tried very, very hard to hide the fact that something was wrong with me, it's only recently that I started talking about depression, adhd, etc. or even admitting to having it to anyone by my very closest friends and family. It used to be mild, it's getting worse. Increasingly I find I just can't articulate anything. Whats in my head doesn't get to my mouth. I've always been akward, but this is making it worse. Recently I had someone point blank tell me "sometimes you say things that are really smart, but most of the time, you just don't make any god-damned sense." It hurt, it really did, because I know that right there in that moment, that was how people had been seeing me for years. The person who said it wasn't the first to insinuate or even pointedly say something about this.

I can't tell you how often I've been talking recently and someone has to stop me and have me start over, or just stares awkwardly, or laughs, or blushes, or what have you when I say something stupid or nonsensical. I don't mean to do it. The absolute worst response, which I find is occurring more and more, is that people just flat out ignore me. I'm not someone who does well alone, I really, really need to have people around me at this point in my life, and I find I'm making them not even notice I am there. It's not like my friends are bad people...or mean...it's just that I...don't make it easy to like me when I can't even talk coherently to people. I feel like I'm just yapping at people, and no one likes that. I grew up in an environment that didn't give me the ability to make a lot of friends, so I don't always even know how to deal with people. There are some pretty key socialization skills I missed early on and have never been able to catch onto.

It makes me not want to talk at all. It makes me question how I can succeed not only in human interaction, but in the career I want as well. I'm trying to be in a field of visual communication, and yet...I can't talk, I can't be clear, I can't make sense at all. It's lonely as hell, it makes me feel like I'm a complete moron, but I don't know what else I can do to correct it, and I'm not sure who to turn to for help. This hurts. Bad.

My future career depends on me being able to communicate clearly, already, I've made gaffes in networking, and I know my artwork (I'm in Sequential Art) doesn't always make sense to people. For a while now I've been trying to learn storyboarding, where being clear is the absolute most important thing...and I can't make sense to anyone. I just want to work, but I find that despite my best efforts, my stuff is getting increasingly worse...it doesn't make sense, it's not very clear, and it's really bad as a result...I'm just kind of failing at everything I want to do, and that I need to do in order to have a career in art/storytelling. I'm scared, truly genuinely scared. I'd link examples of my work, but if anyone I knew from real life found this and knew it was me, I'd be so, so embarrassed.

I know that these symptoms I have have affected my jobs in the past. I've tried to compensate for them with other skills, such as trying to be dependable, covering for other people when they needed me to, being patient, gentle, and trying to work well with a variety of people, but I have a bad memory, a short attention span, and the ability to confuse information easily. Before I came to school I worked several 9 to 5 jobs, and while they all started out fine, most of them eventually became problematic because of my depression, adhd and socialization deficiencies. I have a hard time hiding these, and some situations really make them flare up. I can't necessarily blame people for getting frustrated with me on job sites for having these issues, and sadly I've found that it's hard to have enough positive traits to counter balance a lack of some essential communication, attention and memory skills.

What can I do? Who can I go to? I'm already treating the problems I know I have, like ADHD and depression with medication, but this is a big problem, it feels like a cancer that has always been growing in me, and now it's been there so long it's a part of me. I don't feel normal, I know I never will. All I want is to be able to figure out how to pretend I'm not messed up and have people believe me. How do I keep this from continuing to cause problems in my life? Can anyone offer any advice? I don't know who to go to, and I don't know what I can do to help stop these problems. It's too intimate a problem to bring up with a lot of my friends...or anyone I know really.

HELP ME FIND BOUNDARIES

athenadanae — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 02:48:28 -0800

Help me find boundaries, again (sorry)--this time with updated boyfriend and cast of characters! The long and short of it is that my ex is coming back to stay with my family in a couple days after I kicked him out, and my aunt who I live with says this is okay, and my cousin lives in my room now, and I need to move out. And I'm broke. Hey everyone, I'm back again, and in a bind.

I just got home from my crappy job at Subway at 2 in the morning. We close at 10 but I stayed late to pick up after people who don’t at all do their jobs. I also wasn’t scheduled any help at all during my shift because we are very understaffed and management is totally delusional. I am one of the only people left who haven’t already quit because of school.

I got home to find my 18-year-old cousin, who is currently homeless and who sleeps in my room (which I pay for) in my bed with me, asleep in the arms of her homeless weed-dealing “friend” who is crashing with us on the couch. At least she won’t be sleeping in my room in my bed tonight.

My ex-boyfriend (who I broke up with and kicked out because he never helped me pay rent and would sit on his ass getting really high and watching movies all day) is coming back ‘home’ in a couple days. I don’t really know why my aunt, who rents me the room, is letting him come back here, but she is. She seems to like him more than me a lot of the time. She says she might put a mattress upstairs for him.

My aunt is barely speaking to me because I accidentally showed her a text I sent the ex telling him I was moving out because I couldn’t live with my aunt anymore because of her depression’s effect on me. Sometimes I feel like I am just an emotional sponge. The fact that he never did anything and claimed to care about me without ever supporting me in any real way was pretty hard on me too. Anyway, I accidentally showed her the text while venting to her about my ex, she got up, shouted at me, threw something, said the only people that hadn’t let her down were my cousin (her daughter) and the cat, and left. I’ve apologized tearfully a few times now and asked for her support back and all she has said is that she can’t trust me anymore and not to get upset.

The ex is coming back from spending six weeks in Colorado growing weed (legally, if it matters) with my aunt’s boyfriend. He invited my ex out there because he was concerned for my ex when we heard we broke up.

While he was gone, my ex sent me pages and pages of Facebook messages alternately pleading with me to stay with him because he’d ‘changed,’ blaming me for not giving him a second chance to find a job after I’d allowed him to stay here rent-free for months, and notifying me he was moving to Colorado forever or even to China to teach little kids English. I wonder how he’d react if he knew how my cousin was the one sleeping in that bed with me instead of him while he was gone.

I found out after we broke up that he was sexually abused as a child, repeatedly, by a friend of his parents’. I also found out that he had lost about a year of his life to heroin, which ended shortly before we started dating (it started as FWB and I caved in—I know, I’m an idiot). Both things he had never told me while we were dating. This makes me feel extra-bad because we sorta got back together for like a day, and had sex. Then we both stepped back and got mad at each other again and re-broke-up, except now he thinks I used him for sex during that day, and now I understand why it's an issue for him.

I feel so helpless. I can’t even begin to assert boundaries here. I feel like I can’t do anything at all.

My ray of hope in the distance is that school starts on the twenty-fourth. I am desperately searching for an apartment with my friend now so that I can move out ASAP. I still have to go through all the ex’s and my stuff and separate all of it before I can move, but I’ll get to that while I can. When school starts and I move out, I’ll have to start building myself up again. Ever since I’ve moved back to my hometown, all I’ve done is look after other people. I gave a ton of money to my aunt for this place (deposit for bf and I was expensive) and loaned lots to the ex (if you count owed rent, over a thousand—I’m only twenty, that’s a lot) and paid for my sister to get her bedbugs treated and this is all stuff I can’t afford. My bike was stolen and I can't afford to replace it and this is a significant barrier to my happiness. I look after people and nobody is looking after me. Nobody cares what I do. It isn’t even worth pitching a fight over, because it wouldn’t accomplish anything. I feel like I just need to cut everyone out of my life and that makes me really really sad.

What do you do when you’re in a place like this? I haven’t lost my will to live or anything and I still have pretty even moods but whenever I’m alone all I can think about is how stupid I am to have let myself get into this situation and how it’s my fault. I feel like all of a sudden no one loves me anymore and I deserve it. I’m terrified that when my ex comes back I’ll get back with him because I’m so lonely. I don’t have a single outside friend who thinks this might be a good idea. Maybe I'll never date again because I'll be suspecting the next guy of being a secret ex-drug addict with issues too or something. I don't know.

I just feel so helpless. Please give me the tough love that I need to get through this.

What to say after "Yes, that really sucks."

brisquette — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 14:58:21 -0800

Help me find the right things to say to/do for my parents and their slightly terrible relationship, especially now that my mother is housebound. The longer I've lived out of my parents house, the more I've felt sorry for them. They've been together for 50 years, but I think they've spent a lot of time avoiding each other in the same house.

My mother has struggled with her weight for probably the whole time they were married (she told me recently that my dad had wanted her to lose weight before their wedding, and she got down to 117, but he still said she could stand to lose more), and now she's had a hip injury and is trying to lose weight so they can perform surgery. She's also suffered from arthritis for at least the last 30 years, so she's never been very active.

My father has a tendency to fly into rages and say terrible things, and then apologize the next day. For example, the last time I spoke to him, he took a conversation about their house and suddenly turned it into an angry conversation about the end times. An hour later, he apologized, but when I tried to understand why he felt he end times was important to bring up during the conversation, his eyes got all angry again and he left, only to return ten minutes later and tell me I was right, and apologize.

It seems like he's been haranguing my mother about her doctor-required weight loss, among other things. I can totally see where she's the sort of person who comforts herself with food and stuff, so part of me understands how that could drive my dad nuts; she's got a whole room of online purchases that she hasn't even unpacked, and it sucks that her weight is affecting this aspect of her health (she was at 215 or so, and she's not a very tall lady.). Now it's like everything he ever thought about her weight has been proven wrong.

So I've thought their marriage was kind of shitty for a long time, but while my mom could move around and go places, I just shrugged my shoulders and figured she was the one choosing to stay with him. Now, she's trapped at home, and I get these super sad emails about how he yelled at her the other night because she's not losing enough weight.

To be fair, she also sends me happier emails about how he's been physically taking care of her; lifting her in and out of bed, taking her to the bathroom, buying the groceries, adding some handicap friendly things to their living area.

I don't know what to say in response to the shitty emails..."that sucks, I'm sorry?" repeat, repeat, repeat? I've encouraged her to follow the doctor's instructions, and reminded her that Dad has always said mean things, so it's not like we should expect him to stop now.

They live about 45 minutes away; I've visited once a month or so recently to help clean out some junk and cook some diet-friendly food. Their house is filled with stuff and it sort of terrifies me. I don't know what else I can do that will not draw me into their web of codependent behavior and angst.

I feel like their entire relationship has built up into a perfect storm of issues; my mom's weight and stuff, my dad's attitude towards my mom's weight (and my own), my attitude towards them for constructing this miserable pattern of interaction, ugggh.

How should I be responding to my mom's emails/calls about her current condition?

Are there things I could be encouraging her to work towards?

How should I be framing my relationship to them, if I want to help, but feel that it might be a lost cause?

What can I add to my life to help with my binge eating and/or desire to lose weight?

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 20:07:43 -0800

What can I *add* to my life to help with my binge eating and/or desire to lose weight? Additionally, what texts or exercises helped you work past bingeing? Lots of detail because this is anon:
I get caught up on the binge eating train most days of the week, and the process goes one of two ways: I either get sad/upset/anxious and cope by bingeing, or I think of bingeing, get upset/anxious/sad, and binge. It's really hard (I won't say impossible, but I can't remember the last time I got off the train once it started) to stop once that sequence begins. It's a vicious cycle that's keeping my weight up, probably exacerbating my anxiety and eczema, and makes me feel horrible about myself and feel like it's futile to try to lose weight or control the bingeing. I've started seeing a therapist through my insurance (she's good, but we meet only once a month) and am considering Overeaters Anonymous.

What I'm looking for is things that I can ADD to my life that will help with bingeing. This could be supplements, meditations, medications, art, TV shows, rituals, whatever--it just feels like every time I try to restrict or remove things in any way the bingeing gets worse to compensate, so I'm looking for changes which don't involve abstaining or limiting things.

To give a sense of what I've worked out about my food behaviours: lot of my bingeing seems to be based around "bad food" and guilty pleasures and the notion of treating yourself--I grew up in a household where good behavior was rewarded with ("bad/unhealthy") food, so if I don't get the "reward" of the binge then I feel like a failure. I don't want to feel like a failure, so I binge. This makes restricting things tricky, because my inner child (cheesy phrase, useful concept) thinks it's because I did something bad and resists by acting out/bingeing/whatever. This is why I'm looking for additions, rather than subtractions, to my life.

I've heard that yoga is good for these things, but I have related issues around starting or sticking to most exercise (except for walking, which I can't do much of now because of plantar fasciitis, which is a big reason I want to lose weight. Vicious cycle, again) because food and exercise are both caught up in the same screwed-up dichotomy of good and bad that's messing with my head.

I don't have a ton of money to throw at this, but my spending is somewhat out of control because my budgets go out the window when I buy bingeing food, so if I can divert some of that money to helpful things I gladly would.

tl;dr: Removing things from my life makes me binge more. What things (not exercise) can I do or add to my life that will help me binge less? If you have recommendations of resources that help with bingeing behavior of the kind I describe, I gratefully welcome those.

Help me sort out my feelings about spending money on a wedding party

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 13:44:15 -0800

You live in NYC, and you want to have a party to celebrate your very simple City Hall marriage ceremony. But it's complicated. (money issues and feeling guilty inside!) You want to invite friends and family, and you think this will be about 60-70 people, maybe 75 tops.

You are torn between spending money and just not having a party at all. Your budget is literally 1k. Maybe slightly more if family can pitch in. But no more than 4k. You don't want to spend money on something that isn't want you want, and you'd rather NOT have a party instead of throwing one that isn't to your liking.

You have amazing guilt about having a party when you and your partner are trying to save money to buy a house. You keep telling yourself that the money is better served by putting into savings. A party is one night, a house is long-term.

You still can't shake the desire to have a party to celebrate a very joyous event in your life. Especially with the health and other challenges you've faced. You feel like for once, there is happiness in your life and you want to share that with people you love.

Lastly, you are completely crushed by the sheer cost of even the seemingly simplest places to have a party or dinner. Everything is sadly out of your (admittedly) impossible and tiny budget.) Having a party at a friend or family's house is out of the question due to the size of most people's homes.

What do you?

How do you balance family activities at the cabin?

Minos888 — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 21:16:52 -0800

Just got back from a weekend at the cabin with my husband, daughter, son and son's fiancé. My son and his fiancé are very active and want to spend the entire weekend outside - golfing, swimming, seadooing, fishing, sunbathing, eating outside and sitting by a roaring bonfire until 2 am every evening. I do not. They do usually sleep in so that does give me some down time, but seriously, how do I get them to back off telling me that I "should" be outside, super active and do everything with them at their intensity level? I have tried compromising but honestly they are not happy unless you are doing exactly what they want all the time. And they just keep on nagging - it is driving me crazy. How much is expected to keep the family peace?

Stupid Drama: what the hell?

jrochest — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:57:32 -0800

Conflict with friend's partner: do I pull out of this commitment, or am I overreacting? (petty and annoying) details inside. A friend of long standing is being called to the Bar, and she and her girlfriend have asked me to come to her Call ceremony: I've said yes. My friend's mother (who doesn't like her girlfriend) is visiting for the week to attend the Call, and my friend's girlfriend has asked me to spend the morning with them, partly to buffer any conflict. We've arranged to go to the Picasso exhibit at the Art gallery, to lunch, and then to the ceremony; I got the tickets, as I have a membership and can get guest passes. All is fine, at this point.

Then I mentioned that I would be biking to the gallery to meet them -- the easiest way to do this, as my house is a 15 minute bike ride from the gallery but about 45 minutes on unreliable transit. The girlfriend is insisting that I not bike, but that I take transit or a cab instead, for a series of reasons -- the event is dressy; she wants the three of us to take a cab to the ceremony together rather than meeting there; she wants me to carry all the stuff she's got to bring for both her and her partner, because her shoulder is painful and the mother has a bad knee; I'll have to help the mother, who will need to lean on someone who can't be the girlfriend (bad shoulder); there's no place to park the bike; I'll have no place to put my bike helmet, etc, etc. Some of these make sense (sticking together) others much less (helmets fit under theatre seats, and I bike in heels and fancy clothes all the time) and others are just annoying -- like the argument that I need to be around to be the packmule/unpaid help.

It wasn't until I said that I would leave the bike at the gallery, take a cab with them to the ceremony and go back to get it afterwards, when I go home -- that it became apparent that they also want me to come to dinner after the ceremony, which extends the day well into the evening. They've not decided where dinner will be -- it could be downtown, where the Call is, which would be fine, or it could be in their neighborhood, which is badly serviced by transit at night and would stick me with a 50.00 cab ride home. I mostly want to bike because it's the fastest way to get there, but it also gives me a courteous out if they want to drag me someplace inaccessible.

This idiot detail is causing a complete meltdown, and I'm not even sure if they want me to come at this point. The last email I got involved a flouncy insistence that they'd buy tickets for the exhibition themselves.

I'm bristling over this because this is the third time in a year that I've had unreasonable drama with these women -- mostly because the girlfriend has a history of being stupidly controlling, usually over details. While I'm more than happy to help the girlfriend with her mother-in-law and to attend my friend's Big Event, it seems utterly unreasonable to allow them to tell me how I'm supposed to get there. I'm royally pissed at this point.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I suck it up and take cabs?

Why the **** won't Amnesia start?

glaucon — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 08:48:29 -0800

Why won't Amnesia: The Dark Descent start? I've looked up several threads (here, here and here) and it's gibberish to me. I didn't download Amnesia through a Steam client. Why would I need to mess with Steam in order to play Amnesia if I downloaded the game online?

I have a Macbook 13.1 with 2 Ghz Intel Core 2 Duo and 1 GB ram.

The game will flicker as if starting and quickly display a message that it closed unexpectedly.

Is it my hardware?

ipod issue

kittensofthenight — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 23:17:51 -0800

Problems loading songs on my Ipod Touch. I have a Ipod Touch 3g, 32gb. I recently upgraded to IOS 5.1 and deleted everything (wanted to organize the music, etc.) Now, when I'm uploading music, usually in groups of 40-60 songs, after a few groups of songs, there's a weird bug. I'll upload 23 songs and the status bar will say loading 28 songs, the last few load really quickly, flashing names of tracks that I've uploaded previously. The amount of songs that flash by increases as I add more songs increases. I unplug the ipod and plug it back in an itunes syncs up that backlog of songs that still need to sync flashes by the quickly. The songs that try to sync aren't on the ipod but do exist on my computer's hd.

I don't really know what the problem is or what to do, but I'd like to be able to add large groups of songs willy nilly to the ipod w/o worry. Thanks!

Is it legal to withdraw online payments without notifying the consumer?

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 11:19:24 -0800

Is it legal for a company to withdraw online payments from my account without notifying me first? I live in Massachusetts and have monthly online payments set up for my gas bill, which is generally between $10-$20. I usually receive an email notifying me that my invoice is ready to be viewed, and then a later notification informing me that the payment has been processed. Recently I checked my bank account and found that I had been charged close to $300. I received no notification or invoice for this payment, and when I called the company I was informed that my monthly payments were "estimated" and that the large payment was based on the actual meter reading -- which, as far as I can tell from my communication with the company, I was not informed of. Do I have any legal recourse here?

Being Mentored by Boss and Colleagues are Feeling Insecure!

thatgirl1985 — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 01:40:24 -0800

How should I handle this tricky situation at work? My boss has taken me under her wing to guide me on the path of success. I feel she did this because I was open to her assistance. We have now developed a friendly "quid pro quo" type of agreement. She assists me by sharing her expertise on certain work-related items and vice-versa. I will in turn share with my colleagues when I feel capable of doing so. Some of my closest colleagues are feeling insecure about my friendly and close relationship with our boss. It seems like they feel threatened by it...like they think I am privy to all this "important information" that I won't share with them. I work in the Arabian Gulf. The whole culture here is heavily focused on interpersonal relationships. Failure to cultivate strong rapport here is social and career suicide. I work in a place that is all women. I am a late-twenties American woman. I'm single and the youngest person at the company. My boss is an early-forties Egyptian woman who is divorced with kids. My colleagues are Egyptian and American. Most are married and have kids at home.

Two of my American colleagues are feeling uneasy about my relationship with our boss. I tried to explain to them that our boss is assisting me so that I can assist them in turn. They said they felt like I was trying be "The Best" in our department and was withholding information from them. I feel very hurt by this accusation and frustrated by their feelings of insecurity and lack of faith in the abilities of our boss.

I told my boss about my colleagues' concerns and she advised me to try to repair my relationship with them, but to keep doing my very best at my job no matter who anyone else thinks about it. So in other words, don't burn the bridge, but don't go running back to the other side, either!

What's a girl to do?