Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with issues

Should we breakup?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:33:14 -0800

How can I decide whether or not to end my relationship? My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and recently moved in together. On a day-to-day basis our relationship is fine, but I'm beginning more and more to feel concerned with some aspects long term. Our lease will be up in a few months and I feel that I should decide before then whether or not I think we have a future together, but I don't know how to address my concerns with him. I also feel like it's only fair to let him know how I'm feeling so that he's not blindsided by the news that I'm unsatisfied, but I don't know how to do that without making things very uncomfortable in the meantime.

Just for background, some of the issues I have are fairly simple, such as I'd like us to go do things like see shows or go hiking more often, and I'd like him to help around the house more, and some are more complicated. He comes from a very difficult and messed up family, which leads to him feeling overwhelmed and basically shutting down. I understand that sometimes he needs time and space to deal with his feelings, but it happens so frequently and leads to a lot of chaos in our lives. I also worry that at some point in the future there will be a time that I need him to be strong enough to help me through something, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence that he'll be able to. That may not be fair, he could surprise me, but it is something I worry about. I guess I just feel like I'm losing patience with the way things are, and I don't know if the things I'm impatient with are things he can or will change. I also don't know how to address the issues in a way that's fair to both of us. I can't give an ultimatum, but I also am frustrated enough with these things that I really feel like the relationship can't continue unless some of them change. I've brought up most of the issues on separate occasions in the past, but I think he felt like I was attacking him, and got defensive, so it didn't end up doing very much good, and led to me not feeling comfortable bringing things up.

I guess I'm looking for some advice about how to address our issues in a way that won't alienate him, or any opinions about whether intrinsic issues like shutting down can ever change. Thanks in advance.

I don't want to be such a bitch

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 11:34:10 -0800

I have come to realize that I have a hard time empathizing with men, and it’s making it very hard to even begin to look for a satisfying male relationship, romantic or otherwise. 22-year-old college female. At school I pretty much only ever had female friends, and in fact I can’t say I’ve ever had a real male friend (if you don’t count my ex-boyfriend.) I’ve had male acquaintances, more in the past few years (college) than before. But I have never been close to any men except my dad and my ex-boyfriend.

My dad always told me to be wary of men, because they will lie to you and exploit you for sex and then break your heart. I guess my dad was trying to protect me, but hearing that message about men from the only man I knew well convinced me that it was true. And I’m still convinced, despite knowing just how hosed up that attitude is.

I had the great fortune to meet a very nice guy three years ago, right when I began dating. (I avoided it for years out of fear of being used.) We talked all night when we met, dated for years, it was good and we talked and understood each other mostly, and then it ended for many reasons and whatever, no fuckedupness there. But since then I’ve realized that, with the exception of him, I have never understood any man I know. I think of all men as stereotypes. I think they are fundamentally different from me, with a different outlook and different interests. I think they all like video games and South Park and never want to have kids and aren’t vain and don’t feel things and live in squalor and all kinds of stupid sexist bullshit. I think they see me the same way I see them, and although I desperately want to make a connection with a man like I had with my ex, I feel like it’s not even fair to try because, with my current level of empathy, I treat men like poo poo. (My school/life situation right now makes it so that 80% of the people I interact with every day are female, which makes it even harder to figure out how to make a connection.)

After the breakup I slept with two men. One three weeks after, one three months after that. Both times went exactly the same: I slept with him as soon as I could see he liked me, then dumped him the next day or so when I realized I didn’t like HIM. And both times I was surprised that they were hurt by it, because "men don't take sex seriously."

As you can see, I have no idea how to form a satisfying relationship. It’s like I think of guys as nothing but tools to use to validate myself, and then when I do I become so disgusted. I WANT to have male friends, I like hanging out with guys even on a non-relationship level, but it’s only ever been friends of friends and it never goes beyond chatting because… well, I have no idea. I don’t know a single man I can call a friend, yet all my girlfriends have plenty. And I’ve met them and hung out with them and yet here I am. I know where I got these ideas from but not how to make them go away. It’s bizarre and gross and dehumanizing and I need it to stop.

Sticky work situation

Cosine — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:38:40 -0800

Sticky work situation, advice needed. Had an incident at work last night around 2:00am, I made executive decision, my decision was correct (just trust me on that). Now there will be a post-mortem meeting to discuss what happened.

Thing is my supervisor is telling me to tell the higher ups a different reason for my decision than the actual reason, stating 'trust me, it will be easier this way' I actually think his reason is terrible and will make me look much worse. Do I give the actual reason for my decision or the tailored reasons my superior is suggesting?

My Teenage Daughter Said I'm Untrustworthy. WTF?

dzaz — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 13:01:38 -0800

How do I cope with my angry teenage daughter? After an somewhat nonsensical rant about how hard her life is (I wanted to chat with her about applying to colleges and how the process was going), she dropped the bomb that she doesn't trust me and therefore doesn't have to talk to me. As briefly as I can make it: I'm a single mom, and she's 17 and the eldest of 3 (and 16 year old sister and 11 year old brother as well). Her dad left 6 years ago and lives down the street with his gf and her kids (same ages as mine). Yeah, this has caused serious pain and she and other daughter don't see Dad at all.

Over the years I've tried to get her to talk to a therapist but you know how it is: if she doesn't want to talk, there's no point. So no more of that. She's always been a reticent kid, not prone to being dramatic.

Of note is a few years ago she did try cutting herself; she immediately agreed to talk to someone and within a few weeks truly seemed all sorted out.

In the past few years, she's found a part time job she loves in the veterinary field, got her license (I bought her a used car), and bought a retired race horse. By all accounts, we see less of her but she's pretty happy. School is not her #1 priority, she doesn't want to be a veterinarian and is planning to go to college to learn to be a vet tech assistant.

So far, so good.

So today I asked her how the process was going, asking if she wanted help or anything, and she just went kind of nuts. Her rant ultimately included that she doesn't want to talk to me ever because she doesn't trust me.

I was pretty calm and said that must be a pretty miserable feeling (she agreed) and asked if she could explain what incidents she was referring to because if anything, it was a pretty big thing to say without giving someone a chance to understand.

She refused, continued with her "I have no reason to ever trust you," etc. and told me to leave her alone.

So I did, but now I'm sitting here just wondering, WTF do I do about this?

I have NO IDEA what she's talking about. I honestly cannot recall ever saying one thing and doing another or anything like that.

Help?

Girlstuff Trouble

hapax_legomenon — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:11:02 -0800

[FemaleFilter]: Help me get my period early. I'm going to visit my boyfriend in three weeks. [more inside]... For obvious reasons (to some) I do not want to be having my period when I go visit my boyfriend in three weeks. I am due to start the day before I arrive. What are some natural (or hormonal) ways I can induce my period to come earlier than usual?

To be clear, I am not looking for responses that tell me that there is a natural cycle to things and that I shouldn't mess with it, etc. I know all of that. It's just that this is a new(ish) relationship and I just don't need the hassle of this difficulty on my visit.

Thank you.

How long should I wait?

RawrGulMuffins — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 11:53:53 -0800

Question’s about my virgin girlfriend pertaining to sex and sexuality. History: I’ve been dating this girl for about 6-7 months now; it took about 3 months to win her over. I knew going into the relationship that she was a virgin so it wasn’t a surprise that we didn’t have sex right off the bat. What did surprise me is that until very recently she was uncomfortable just making out with me.

I am very much not a virgin (male if it matters). In fact I’d say that sex is about my favorite activity, and as such waiting this long has been a bit difficult. When I think about my ideal woman, the perfect person who has everything I desire, my Girl comes pretty damn close. Obviously there are little things that bother me, but I really want what we have going to work out. I would very much regret looking back five years from now and thinking that I fucked up because I couldn’t wait just a little bit longer.

Pertinent information: My girl admitted she had(s) low self-esteem about her body. It surprised the shit out of me because A) she’s truly, stupidly beautiful, B) it seems to be the only self-esteem issue she has. There has been no long term boyfriend’s before me, although she had a crush on a guy for 6 years through her school life.

There is no history of sexual abuse or mistreatment on either side. We’re both 21 years old. She rarely tries to masturbate, maybe once a month if that. She’s also never orgasmed but that doesn’t seem uncommon for females her age.

My Girl has said that she doesn’t think her libido is naturally non-existent, and there has been improvement on her side of the equation. It’s just taking a hell of a long time for things to get going.

She doesn't want to bring medical help into this situation yet, she doesn't enjoy accepting help on intensely personal things.

Questions: 1: If she doesn’t have a naturally non-existent sex drive, about how long do you think it would take for her to discover her sexuality? I know it’s impossible to give a time-table on this sort of things, but a general guess would help me immensely. Personal anecdotes very much welcome.

2: This is a deal breaker for me and at this point I’m attempting to stay in the relationship to see if things “improve.” Has anyone ever been in my position before, and if so how long did you wait until you were certain you weren’t making a mistake by leaving your SO?

3: I’m going sexually nuts, is there anything (other then masturbation, it’s getting old) a man can do to lower his sex drive, especially in the presence of my very attractive girlfriend?

Mortified and terrified: I got stopped for shoplifting. What to do?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 05:18:21 -0800

Stopped and fined for shoplifting for the first time. What to do with the confusing letter I received, the non-responding phone #, and the fine. Last week, I was stopped at a large grocery store chain for shoplifting a bottle of shampoo. Yes, things are that bad for me financially. I had never been stopped before. This is all new to me. The security guy stopped me quietly, took a report, and let me go. He said that I might be charged something by (the store), or I might not get charged, and that the issue would stay between me and the store. Today I got a letter that says that I must pay $275 in the next 7 days or I will be taken to court.

The letter says that according to the law, they can charge me up to $500, in addition to actual damages incurred (in this case, about $11 for the shampoo, but they took that back). It says "In this case, the actual damages equal (the cost of damage to)". Yes, that's exactly what it says. It further says if I want to settle without a civil matter, I should send $275 within 7 days. It later says, "Payment or non-payment of the amount demanded will have no effect on the criminal prosecution of any alleged theft by local law enforcement officials". That doesn't make sense to me, even after several readings. It gives a number to call, which I did, and I left a message and got no call back.

I want to find out if this amount is negotiable and if I have any other options. I do NOT want this to show up in any court action. I do not want anyone I know to EVER find out about this. I am mortified. Obviously, $275 is a difficult amount for me if I was caught taking an $11 bottle of shampoo, especially having no prior record whatsoever.

So I'm upset that there is a fine, and I take responsibility for my actions, but the (high) amount will make things even more difficult for more financially, and I fear these guys won't respond to my calls at all.

I know YANML, and please, I'm not looking for moral slapdowns (I feel bad enough as it is), but any advice would be appreciated.

You can contact me directly at onfourfeet@yahoo.com if you want. Thanks.

h8 renting.

tmcw — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 06:35:11 -0800

All signs point to illegal activity on the part of my landlord, and paying the rent in cash certainly isn't helping the situation. What are our options (in DC?) So, we finally found an apartment in a less-crimeridden (but still pretty crimeridden) part of town, and the rent ($2750 / 3 a month) has been requested in cash this month.

Also, a business card from a government investigator, with a note to our landlord to call him, arrived at the door. Along with several child support checks. And various other documents addressed to various people with the same last name but different first names as our landlord (he doesn't live in the area). He's tough to contact, but we're trying to forward these to him.

And he insists that we either pay the rent in cash or wire it to him - no checks, etc. The overwhelming conclusion is that he doesn't want to report his income via rent so that he doesn't have to pay a portion as child support, and this is certainly digging a deeper hole with his existing legal troubles.

This month's rent has been a fiasco, but it'll be sorted out by tonight. For future reference, though:

Do we have any right to request to pay rent in check, etc? It makes everyone nervous to carry the $900+ back to the apartment every month in cash.

If this jerk gets completely destroyed in the courts and can't keep the apartment, do we have renters rights in DC, or are we kicked out?

Thanks!

What is her issue with my issues?

crickets — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:52:32 -0800

I have issues. My new friend takes issue with that. I think of myself as a complicated guy, and there are any number of things I would like to improve about myself, mostly on the emotional side of things. At times I describe myself as being "broken." I also describe myself as "having issues." I think my issues are a bit more problematic than most people's, but they aren't really anything that prevents me from functioning or living a normal life or being a good person. (I am also actively working on them, but that's not why I'm here.)

I have a new friend that I've become very close to (it could end up as a romantic relationship one day, but circumstances dictate that for now it is not), and she thinks that these descriptors are overly negative and counter-productive, and is encouraging me to find new, more positive language to use.

I can see where she's coming from with "broken" -- it's a harsh word, and I agree that there are more constructive ways to think of myself.

But "having issues"? I've tried to understand where she's coming from, but I just don't see the negativity in it. Can anyone help me understand where she's coming from here?

Follow-up: If you feel "having issues" is too negative, how could I be thinking about myself (the goal being positive and constructive self-criticism)?

(And before you say it, yes, I will be asking my therapist these questions as well. :)

How to find the number of pages in back issues of magazines.

imjosh — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:44:36 -0800

Please help me find out how many pages are in back issues of several popular magazines. I'm doing some research into shrinking magazine size and one portion of this is to try and find the number of pages in several magazines, specifically; Blender, Esquire, WIRED, Maxim and SPIN. Ideally I'd love to know the number of pages v. ads in every issue but I think that's a reach.

Do you know where I could track this information down?

Is there a certain person on a magazine staff who I should approach to try and find this?

Do you have the last 12 issues of any of these and can help me out?

Perhaps I should hire an Amazon turker...

What would migrating an Outlook Exchange email system with Google's business Gmail?

gttommy — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:43:43 -0800

What would migrating an Outlook Exchange email system with Google's business Gmail? Google's Gmail for business seems like it has some potential and I am in the process of possibly converting the company!

http://www.google.com/apps/intl/en/business/messaging.html

Any advice on what could be involved such as drawbacks or implementation process or method will be useful.

Thanks mefi.

Tanks at my House! What does that do to our insurance coverage?

bdoop21 — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:53:02 -0800

How can I protect my home from my (somewhat) risky home business? We have homeowners insurance but what else do I need to be completely protected from any accidents that may occur at my house due to my home business? I have 3 tanks of gas for use in the attached shop space (propane is outside and 2 small acetylene B tanks inside). I think they would void our home insurance if, please forbid, anything happened. I am working from home under an LLC but I'm not sure and I don’t think we are zoned for business, so I'm not even sure if business insurance would be a possibility…..
What do I do to protect our house and still be able to work from home knowing that I am covered? Thanks

Wedding (and general family) drama..

bleuberry — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:51:18 -0800

Wedding drama.. how do I cope with the aftermath of things said? So we just had our wedding, which was small (less than 10 people).. In attendance were my mother and father (divorced when I was 8), 4 friends (2 of my significant other (SO) - he hadn't seen them in over 15 years, and 2 of mine - I hadn't seen in 5 years), my SO and I. And we all sat down to what was until then a beautiful dinner, and my mother decides to take the liberty of telling the story of how my SO (whom I will refer to as 'SO' from here forward) and I met, the details of which I have NOT shared with anyone except very close friends (none of whom were at the table that night) and my mother (unfortunately).

I am a very private person. The people that love ans respect me know and respect this. So, as the words, 'I would just LOVE to share how [SO] and my daughter met,' flew out of my mother's mouth, I stared her down, with a look that said, 'Don't breathe another word about my private life to ANYONE!' but she took it upon herself to continue, completely ignoring the horrified look on my face, "So, I heard about [SO] from my daughter, and you KNOW she was living with her boyfriend at the time that they met. And then she said so many wonderful things about [SO], about how spiritual he was and so on, and I said to myself, 'Oh so she and [SO] are just friends, hmf! That's a real laugh!' I said, 'But mom..' And she continued, 'Oh, it's true, I mean the relationship was long over by the time you and SO dated, and by that time you and [Ex bf] were practically just roommates,' she added with a smirk.

May I just add that the reason that I lived with my boyfriend at the time was because I HAD to get out of the house because my mother INSISTED upon having my older sister who is a COMPLETELY, destructive alcoholic and bulimic and anorexic moved in when I was living with my mother and I couldn't BEAR to live with her verbal and emotional ABUSIVENESS ANY LONGER, I couldn't DEAL with smelling the acrid alcohol and cigarette smell pouring off her body the next day after she had been out all night... that this whole time, I was trying to work on a master's degree and work and trying to stay focused and sane... that despite this, my sister while still drunk made me drive her to find her car which she 'LOST' the night before (we never found it).. that my sister finally got a DUI, that she was taken to the emergency room two other times, and had to be put in restraints on the ER bed because she was being so abusive to the nurses, that she had a concussion once after falling from drinking too much... I HAD to get out of my mother's house.

My Ex bf knew about the situation, and invited me to live with him. And I JUMPED at the opportunity to get a little sanity back into my life. Who the HELL wouldn't? My mother didn't seem to give a shit about how having my sister move in when I was already dealing with my own issues, including recovering from depression, was affecting me. It's true that I was living with my bf (now ex bf, obviously) at the time SO and I met. But god dammit, I don't want the whole GD WORLD to KNOW about my PRIVATE life (I don't care now, because am doing so 'anonymously').
Not only that, but she had NO RIGHT to tell these people (2 friends whom my I had not seen in 5 years+, the other 2, my SO had not seen in over 15 years, and who were dear friends in the past, but we had not seen them in so long) about this. I resent my mother greatly for doing this. It was actually an EXTRAORDINARILY painful breakup that I went through with my ex-bf, with my ex-bf sending me email after email about what a whore I was for dating this 'other guy', and other things I just cannot repeat, even though my Ex bf had both discussed together dating other people and agreed upon it, when we still lived together (granted we always had separate rooms the whole time we lived together and granted it was not a good idea, but I was YOUNG and didn't KNOW any better).

All of these very painful memories washed over me as she said these things, and I just sat there at the end of the table, ready to cry, and not saying a word for quite some time. I thought to myself, how could she do this to me, make me look so bad, bring out dirty laundry at my WEDDING, MY DAY when in reality, it is so GD complicated. I cried later that night in my SO's arms, when all I wanted to do was to be happy.

And weeks later, I am up at 5:30am still crying and upset about this. What do I do? I already confronted her about it. I told her in a calm manner, how much it upset me when she said all of these things. She apologized. But there is nothing that I can do to go back and repair my reputation in my friend's eyes, not that they said anything to me directly, but I could just imagine what they were thinking. And it still doesn't take back the effect that my mother made me look like a complete whore in public.. and how her words made me feel on what it supposed to be the most special day of my life. I couldn't explain the whole story and all the complexities, how my Ex bf and I had discussed and agreed to date other people, that he was working on his doctorate and would ignore my needs, and his own, and became furious at me when I just wanted to go on a walk outside when it was beautiful because he would work on math problems for hours on end, and kept gaining weight and ignoring his health, that he would keep all the blinds shut on sunny days, and would stay in his pajamas for days on end, and not bathe, and, and that I was MISERABLE for crying out loud. But God only knows WHAT was going through these people's minds and how they might see me differently now. I couldn't tell them these things.

Why is it that my mother takes it upon herself to constantly tear me down. Ever since I was a child. She even once said that I looked like a whore.. when I was just playing dress up as a child. God I felt so humiliated then and certainly now. Then later, my father starts to talk about the work he does now, and my mother turns to him in front of everyone and says, 'Oh, are the rates any BETTER than they were when you did a similar project 8 years ago?' She was being subtly bitchy. I know my mother, and I know the subtext of that question was, 'I am SO sure your projects are any more successful, because that one project you did 8 years ago fell flat on its face.' As if to oh so subtly REMIND him of a time when he FAILED. Even though she was ultimately put in charge of that project (it's complicated; they work in the same field, and although divorced, had worked on a project together).. but no one KNEW that she was put in charge of it, and my father is smart enough not to even start that conversation. What the hell is wrong with my mother?

Which of these specific iPhone issues are most or least likely to change soon?

kalapierson — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 14:44:00 -0800

Of these iPhone OS issues, which are likely -- realistically -- to be addressed anytime soon in Apple's own OS upgrades? I'm asking to see whether Apple fans who follow the trends more closely than I do have guesses re. whether any issue below is especially likely (*or* especially unlikely; either answer would be valuable) to change anytime soon.

(In this case I'm not seeking "here's something else wrong with the iPhone" or "get an X instead" answers -- I've done a good amount of iPhone-or-not thinking and these are a few things I care about most.)

1) almost no system-level ability to manipulate text (can't select a block of text, so can't cut/copy/paste or even delete a block of text without pressing the delete key for each character)

2) iCal app doesn't include a view by week, only by day or month

3) iCal app apparently doesn't correctly display multiple calendars (colors) at once (?), and appointments newly created on the phone can only be one calendar/color (?)

4) very little control over organization of apps & app icons (the standard icons can't be hidden, deleted or put into categories; different category-based screens or sets of apps aren't possible)

5) alert sounds are customizable by contact for voice calls, but not for sms.

What is wrong with social news?

bettershredder — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:57:52 -0800

What are the main issues you have with current social news websites? I have an idea for a new brand of social news aggregation and am trying to perform a little basic research. I am generally curious as well. Please help out if you can.

Help needed with URL/PHP issues on Apache/MySQL server

Scramblejam — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 04:07:40 -0800

I am having trouble with URLs 404ing on an Apache/MySQL server for a website using Wordpress, with some custom add-ons to use Wordpress as a CMS. I have a website which I have built for a client using Wordpress, on an Apache server with MySQL as the database. Their blog is available on http://www.theirdomain.com/blog/ and works fine.

I've created several index.php files on the main site, and in subfolders, using the Wordpress header and some custom PHP code to pull their page content from the WP database (I'm using Wordpress pages as data for a CMS). The URLs for the pages are in the format http://www.theirdomain.com/services and http://www.theirdomain.com/aboutus/

Unfortunately, I am having several errors a day with problems and 404 where the URLs are not resolving properly (i.e. you type in http://www.theirdomain.com/aboutus/ and it 404s). I can get round it by typing the filename index.php at the end, but I wanted to keep the URLs "clean".

The problem mainly occurs in IE7 (no surprise), but has occurred to several users - my clients and clients of theirs, and they are understandably miffed.

Can someone help point me towards any possible solutions?

CLEAR SKIN CALLED, it said screw you

madmamasmith — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:07:10 -0800

well. i have searched and searched and there is alot out there , but i am looking for something specific. this question is about BLACKHEADS. I have had blackheads since i was a teen, when i was 20 i started getting zits too. Here I am 26 and my skin is the worst it has ever been.i have blackheads on every inch of my face and my face and scalp feel like an oil factory. I am a vegetarian, i dont eat crappy but i dont eat buckwheat cakes and organic chard everyday either maybe once a month i get drunk and maybe once a week have a soda, i do drink a couple coffees a week and my diet consists of alot of texmex but alot of organnic veggies too, i dont take vitamins cuz im really poor right now but in the past i have tried evening primrose, multivitamin, iron,birth control pills,,,i have used every face wash known to man as well as retina and other topicals, and now after 10 years of no noticeable difference i just use oatmeal soap and witchhazel. i was using jojoba cuz i heard that would help but it didnt but neither does lotion. basically i am freaking out, what do i do? i have the most sensitive skin so i scar really easy. i am too oily. i do everything u r supposed to ; drink water, change pillowcases, hot showers, all natural skincare,,,,help me please. I cant afford facials evryday but i did use to get microderms once a month to no avail as well as chemical peels that actually scarred me really bad. are there any remedies that anyone can suggest that have worked for you? home remedies, pills, liver cleanses? im so desperate, i hate looking in the mirror, dont lecture me.....just tell me if anything has worked for you

I don't hate my job ... just you.

Anonymous — Thu, 29 May 2008 07:15:08 -0800

How do I tell my work partner that I am transferring away to a new location solely because of our toxic relationship? (semi-long explanation to follow) I work for a US aid organisation that pairs Americans with foreign nationals in their country to do humanitarian work in a specific location for a specific length of time (I'd rather not go into more detail, for the same reason that this question is anonymous--I'd like to employ as much discretion as possible). I've been at my current location for about half of my tenure, and the decision has been made between my organisation and myself that, due to severe personality issues/conflicts between myself and the foreign national I'm working with, that it would be best for my work and myself to transfer elsewhere in the country.
This is pretty much entirely due to her difficult personality. This is something that is known (but accepted) with her colleagues that I have been working with, as well as my organisation, which had severe reservations about granting her request for an American partner because of these personality issues that were evident even in the initial interview process. I'll leave out the gory details, and just say that I've done as much as I can to deal with and try to improve the situation from my end, to no avail, and it's reached the point where the relationship has become detrimental to my health, happiness, and productivity.

My organisation supports me; my worry is how to break this news to her. She is very prone to angry outbursts, and is the type of person who doesn't really listen to what her conversation partner is saying, often to the point of just cutting them off and not letting them give an explanation or even finish a sentence.
From my end, I feel like the only way I'll be able to give an explanation of where I'm coming from and why I'm doing this is in writing, either in email or letter-of-resignation form (as I suspect that the simple introductory phrase of "I'm transferring to another region" will open the floodgates of anger and judgment), but that feels rather .... cowardly. There is also the fact that, because this is coming about directly as a result of a personality issue (and the last person she worked with from our organisation also had a lot of difficulties with her, though they chose to stick it out), she will not be receiving another US partner. The location will still be eligible, but not with her as point person.

So what are some suggestions/ideas/words of wisdom for addressing this situation with a minimum of drama and blowup? Can I state what I need to state in writing, or should I "be a (hu)man", bite the bullet, and tell her in person? What are some good things to say, phrases to employ, approaches to take? We will have to work together for a couple more weeks after I inform her, and it may be another 1-2 months before all ties are severed and I've left the community for my new location.

So, I have a news story about violation of privacy...

irishkitten — Mon, 19 May 2008 11:05:10 -0800

If a national news station publishes your home address on television without your consent, what is(if any) the recourse? There was a news show recently that was doing a demo on a product. They used my husband's product for the demonstration. They advised him at the time that the address would be blanked out. Cut to showtime. Address very clearly legible. The broadcast was posted on website as well.

I've already made a call to the station, and have angrily advised them that this is not a very good thing, and that we are less than thrilled with the situation. Within an hour of calling, the video on the website was removed... but have not heard anything back from the station. We did not receive so much as an apology when we called initially.

I guess the question is, would you pursue it further? If the mods consider this to be chatfilter, please feel free to remove it, I just find the whole situation unsettling.

Thanks.

How do I ethically/morally justify getting paid the higher rate?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 May 2008 07:55:01 -0800

I'm having a bit of an ethical dilemma about a work/pay situation. An acquaintance and I were hired as consultants by The Company for a 7 day project which required a 2 person team doing 2 different tasks. Task A was less technical than Task B and thus received a lower pay rate than B (with a lower overtime rate also). I normally get hired to do Task B outside the context of The Company so naturally when I got hired I assumed that I was getting hired for Task B (with the higher rate of pay). And since Task B is not my acquaintance's area of expertise I figured that it was a no-brainer regarding which one of us was getting hired for which Task.

The confusion came about when my coworker thought that since The Company didn't specify which one of us was to do Task A vs B, that we should split the pay 50/50. The Company (unprofessionally in my opinion) says that they are willing to split the pay any way we agree on. And unfortunately of course, there is nothing in writing. Well there is, but the only thing missing on the contract is specifying who was getting hired for which Task.

The 7 day project is over now and he has since realized that I did in fact do Task B and (even though he tried) he did not possess the technical skills necessary to complete Task B.

I think so far it's pretty clear that I should receive the pay rate associated with Task B and he says he's ok with that and I wouldn't be hurting his feelings by doing so. My dilemma comes because of 2 reasons:

1) For 3 out of the 7 days we both did the same thing. Working as a team doing things that either one of us could easily do and not necessarily in a supervisor/subordinate position. The other 4 days were spent with me specializing in technical stuff on Task B.

and 2) the difference in the pay after all the days and over-time amounts to me getting about 150% more than him. (Re-looking over the rates just now I see that the 150% would happen with or without the over-time, the only difference being that with more hours the dollar amount is what increases).

So really the question is, am I under any moral or ethical requirement to give him a part of the pay I would get for Task B for the 3 days that we did the same duties, while keeping the higher rate for the 4 days during which I did the specialized duties? And what do I say? How do I phrase it?

If we split it that way the dollar amount is a difference of only $187.0 less for me and more for him. I'd make either $1013.0 or $1200.0 more than him otherwise if we split 50/50 I would make about $700.0 less and he $700 more than not splitting.

And lastly, as I said, we are acquaintances but I wouldn't say friends so as far as burning bridges and friendships and whatnot, it's really not a concern. I just want to make sure the end result is a fair one to both of us even if we don't like it.

askmfdilemma@gmail.com if needed.
Thanks in advance.

Foodsafe after mildew damage?

Ambrosia Voyeur — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:26:12 -0800

Can I adequately clean a mildewed bookshelf for food storage? So, I'm moving house, and my current house has a moisture problem, such that over five years, there's been slowly encroaching mildew on the inside of the shadiest wall of the house, which is cinderblock and partially underground (the house is built into a hillside). I've had a large oak bookcase against this wall all this time, but have cleaned it periodically of thin greenish dusty film I've taken to be mildew. The back of the shelf was the worst hit; most of the books in have no noticeable damage whatsoever.

Now, measurements indicate that the small alcove off our new kitchen which we'd like to use as a pantry would be the best home for this shelf. The shelf actually also has some ironic sentimental value, such that I'd like to either keep it or burn it, because it was the big-deal fancy pants bookshelf with the leather bound books my stepdad bought for all his phony prestige before he wound up in jail for embezzlement and blah blah blah. My heirlooms are hollow and crappy, in other words. Also, I'm a cookies-off-the-floor eater and cheap, to boot. I'd rather not waste furniture if it's useful.

Is a thorough bleach cleaner treatment and a move to a drier climate enough to make a mildewy oak shelf safe for food storage? Is this likely to be mildew, or some other more dangerous substance?

How can I best involve myself in the Social/Political cause against Water Privatization?

albernathy0 — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 07:05:30 -0800

How can I best involve myself in the Social/Political cause against Water Privatization? I am 20 years old, a junior at the University of California San Diego. I am an International Studies Sociology major, but over the last couple of months I've been thinking about important issues that I want to work in and the world's water crisis has been at the top of my list. I was thinking originally about finishing my sociology degree while taking math/science/bio courses so that I could be eligible for a Hydrology graduate program. As I was looking into Hydrology programs, to see if this would cut it, it seems that they generally prefer pure science majors, such as Geology/Bio/Chem/Engineering. I am not particularly math/science oriented, I am much more of a humanities sort of person, so I am very confused about what I ought to do.

Another question I'm facing is if getting a Hydrology Degree is the best way I can address this problem. I want to be apart of the solution, but I want to be able to be apply my particular strengths to the cause, which I feel are not mathematical or scientific.

If I were to finish my sociology degree are their career possibilities involved in this?

Please help.
As I am supposed to pick my classes at the University of Chile soon...tomorrow. But I will have a month to alter my schedule.

University of California Davis has an undergraduate hydrology program, and I was thinking of possibly transferring. But that obviously is a step ahead.

Thank you all for the helpful comments. I would especially love to hear from actual hydrologists.

Where do Obama and Clinton REALLY stand on healthcare?

KevinSkomsvold — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 07:00:08 -0800

What are the main differences between Obama and Clinton's healthcare proposals? Everything I've read and heard seems to basically state that Hillary leans toward a federal-type plan while Obama doesn't. In reading both of their proposals, I'm hard pressed to see many differences in where they stand. This blog post inspired this question. As an aside, it was an interesting read.

Hi, I'm a textbook co-dependent, nice to meetcha!

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 15:56:31 -0800

Help me grow a spine, stop being a drama queen, and get control of my life again. I am in therapy, just to get that out of the way first. Unfortunately, I haven't had an appointment due to the holidays in almost a month and won't for a while, and I am hoping just to get some head-on-straight advice from all of you smarties here.

I went through a painful break up in June, 2007, ending a 10 year relationship. I got into that safe but ultimately suffocating relationship because my abandonment issues were too much for me to take on my own. I finally found the strength to end it last year, and have been staring into the void of all of this psychic pain that I never dealt with - neglectful, abusive parents, crippling loneliness and the lack of a family system, blah blah blah.

I am successful in my career; I work in a largely male dominated industry. I started a new job almost a year ago now, and there are virtually no women at the company. I have made new female friends, but I have very little in the way of a support system nearby. This is particularly difficult to me because I am a walking daddy issue with feet - I am very vulnerable to men because of my abandonment issues with my father.

After a work related function, I got severely sexually harassed by one of my subordinates. I had too much to drink and was unable to drive home, he had too much to drink as well, and he put the moves on me in a very disrespectful way, trying over and over again to kiss me despite my repeated "nos". At first I was embarrassed for him, after a while I got scared, and wound up hiding in the bathroom and calling a guy that I've been dating for 3 months to get "rescued".

The guy I've been dating had been great, but we are not exclusive, for myriad reasons, both of us being in a place where we're filling a void for eachother but are unable or unwilling to take it too much farther than we've taken it, but I was having a meltdown and he was who I decided to call.

He of course was furious and wanted me to get my subordinate fired. I felt uncomfortable with that, mostly because I was drunk at work and feel that I should have been more in control of the situation, and also because I have big emotional issues right now stemming from my current situation and the abuse in my past (including an abusive relationship), it's difficult for me to tell whether or not I overreacted to the situation or not. I don't want to get anybody fired because I am a little bit crazy and dramatic right now.

Last night, the guy I've been seeing and I had a terrible, drunken shouting match. All of this is pretty abnormal for me, at least it had been for the last 10 years, when I got myself some sanity. The big dramatic breakdown between me and new dude reminded me very much of the dysfunctional drama that I experienced when I was out on my own and a mess, before I hid in an unsatisfying relationship for a decade.

During this big dramatic fight, he gave me an ultimatum - to get my subordinate fired or he was going to never speak to me again. I know, I know, way to make an already fucked up situation even worse.

Ok, well, now that you have the (embarrassing, hence the anonymous-ness) backstory, here are some things I would love to get advice on:

1.) I know that I need to break up with 3 months dude. The fact that we had an argument like that, that he said the things he said, and that he would exploit something that is already very difficult for me, is a giant red flag -- nevermind the fact that we're not even exclusive and even if he wasn't a leetle bit crazy, I don't know that I'd want to be. Still, my feelings for him are pretty strong, and I know that I have to end this - I just genuinely don't know how. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to not cave if and when he calls to apologize, which I am almost certain he will do.

2.) I really, really do not want to get my coworker fired. However, I am so stressed out about returning to work and having to deal with him. Now, not only is he the guy that harassed me, disrespected me and scared me enough to literally send me into an emotional tailspin (even though I understand my own part in it), the situation has manifested itself to have destroyed one of the few relationships that I was very much enjoying. I know that this relationship was headed for the rocks anyway, and that I can't blame this guy for it, but I will always see it, I do not know how to get past this and work with this man again. I know that it's on me to do so.

3.) I am in therapy and I call my friends and talk about this kind of stuff from time to time, but it is so, incredibly, terribly embarrassing. I have always been the rock for my friends and family; I can't stand being this dramatic and over the top. I don't even want to tell anybody about this because it's so humiliating. That being said, I know that's how I got myself into the terribly abusive relationship I was in in my youth (before I entered into my 10 year, significant relationship, which was a lot of things that weren't great, but was never, ever abusive) -- by isolating myself. I can't stop feeling like I am doomed to be a loony drama queen, despite all of my logical understanding of the situation, my behavior is driven from an emotional place. I feel like telling myself to stop freaking out is like trying to tell myself to stop feeling hungry or tired.

I know that I got out of this place before, but I did it by taking myself out of the game. I threw up walls everywhere, I stopped living for myself, and I gave up on my dreams in order to feel safe and loved. Now that I'm trying to strike out on my own, I feel crazy and dramatic and out of control. If you have been through this, how did you do it, while maintaining your sense of self? I keep telling myself, it's not too late for me, I can keep my job, I can keep my sense of self, I can do what I want to do, and I can do it on my own -- but obviously I'm not doing the best job of it right now. Obviously the drinking has to go. That's really the first and only step I've got on my list right now.

Words of comfort and advice would be very much appreciated. Or even words of "Stop being a drama queen you lunatic."

I love my hair, but we can't seem to get along.

Medieval Maven — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 07:41:09 -0800

My hair and I, we are having a disagreement. I want to wash it at night, and it wants to look like crap the next day. So I did some color - magenta, actually, and of course that means washing at the roots with cold water. I want to do this at night, becuase doing a cold water wash in the morning is No Fun. What I'm running into is that my hair, which is waist length at its longest point, and is monofilament fine, is going oily on me. I'm used to that at the END of the day, or really over a day and a half, but not after ~8 hours. Cornstarch or powder, as previously discussed for these issues, isn't really an option because it will deaden the pink and also look a bit powdered wig-esque against the color (tried it). I'm considering sleeping in foam rollers, as my hair does not hold curl without Extraordinary Measures - I think that would keep it from dying next to my scalp.

Other suggestions? Experiences? Also of note - my hair rats up at a moment's notice. When I was washing it normally in the morning, I'd use Bed Head After Party, or Rockstar+Headrush. A small amount of After Party is OK but not great in this scenario (I mean 1/4 of what I'd use normally) and Rockstar+Headrush is a disaster.