Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with isolation

"For I have known them all already, known them all--"

Gotham — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:53:18 -0800

Songs that are thematically similar to "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and Hamlet: emotional isolation, wasted youth, life consumed by contemplation rather than action, etc. I realize that this request is semi-ridiculous/overly specific/spectacularly nerdy, but these works have always resonated with me, and I'd like to translate the associated emotions to my other favorite medium. So far, I've managed to come up with "Hellhole Ratrace" by Girls, but I refuse to accept that themes universal enough to inspire two of the greatest literary works in existence have only produced a single good song. Suggestions?

It's like a star trek script before they fill in the [tech]s

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:03:04 -0800

I am out of my depth at work. Unfortunately, I have to be vague because there's a good chance I could accidentally out who I am. But: a few months back, I was hired for a job in a technical / coding position, even though I have very little actual software development experience, based on having a background in the (non-technical) stuff my employer does, and also knowing the basics of a set of fairly obscure tools/languages they use.

My direct boss is herself not all that technical, and is pleased with my performance on most of the tasks she assigns -- which as a rule aren't all that technically complicated and which are at worst time-consuming. However, I'm starting to do work which involves talking with / assisting people in affiliated organizations, most of whom have a decade or more in this field under their belts, and it's becoming increasingly obvious how out of my depth I am: each casual email sends me scrambling to reference texts to figure out what the hell they're even talking about, and I'm getting a real sense that although I've got amateurish experience as a code monkey, I simply don't understand the basics of the field I'm in.

Complicating this is that I am the only remotely technical person directly associated with my organization, and further complicating this, I work mostly from home. One takeaway from this experience for me has been to remind myself that, if I'm ever in a situation where I'm hiring a coder for this sort of very independent position, to definitely not hire someone as inexperienced as me. That takeaway, though, is not immediately useful.

How do I deal with this? There is no one at my organization who I could turn to to say "plz, am need mentor, halp!", and the coders I'm working with in affiliated organizations have, well, better things to do than babysit me. I don't especially have long-term intentions to stay in this field -- I'll be going to school for something entirely different next year -- but quitting sooner rather than later isn't really an option. Furthermore, my direct boss seems to believe I'm a super-techy whiz-kid who hung the computer-moon, even though I'm starting to think that if the situation continues, I'll jeopardize our organization's position.

I have to guess some member of the hivemind has been in a similar situation, and has some tips on how to deal with it. If nothing else, if anyone has any advice for how to admit that I don't know what the people I'm corresponding with are talking about without making things worse, I would love that.

Isolation Fatigue

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:54:27 -0800

What happened to my ability to trust in and connect with people? How do I regain it? These anonymous questions regarding social malfunction tend to be oversized. I will be as brief as is possible, but here's what's going on:

A couple of years ago, there was a Great Disaster in my personal life. The person I thought to be the love of my life and the person I thought to be my best friend ran off together. Most of the time, I consider myself to be "over" that experience, good riddance to them both. But lately, I've come to suspect there may yet be some residue from this event still clogging up my processes.

A catastrophic depression marked the months that followed the Disaster, which I overcame through a course of therapy, exercise, medication and a rededication to that which had interested and moved me in times past. I endeavored to break my isolation by reestablishing contact with old friends and getting out of the house to meet new people whenever possible. I even resumed dating and have engaged in relationships both casual and serious.

However, there seems to be a remaining difficulty. The "inner sanctum" of my person is still largely unavailable, inaccessible. I have made a wealth of new acquaintances, but no new deep and lasting connections with anyone, including even those I've been intimate with. As for my old friends, it has been a joy to be in contact with them again, but aside from a couple who have demonstrated saintly patience, I've not shared my inner world with any of them nor heard tell of their own. I dread becoming a burden to anyone, both those who I've connected with in a genuine way in the past, and those I potentially could today. At some point, it seems as if I've just slipped into reruns - yes, you're lonely and anxious, what else is new? I cherish these people and I don't want to be a bother to them, I don't want to do anything that would risk our relationships. Adding to the difficulty is that all of my old friends are scattered throughout the country and many of them have quite different lives than they did when last we were in each other's company regularly.

In a former life, I was a rather open person. I made friends easily, had many visitors and went visiting often. I've lost this instinct so gradually and so completely that I scarcely recognize who I used to be. Today, I meet many interesting people that I suspect would be fun to spend time with, but I feel as though I've no way to suggest or initiate such a thing without being an obnoxious bother. Many of my local acquaintances have friendship potential, I feel, but I'm at a loss as to how I might cultivate these connections - once, it was easy and natural, today it seems impossible. I feel like opening up to them or trying to get them to open up to me would drive them off. Much is heavy on my heart these days, and people have a natural preference to spending time with cheerful people, I think. And again, I'm so grateful for the connections we do have that I am loathe to gamble with them. Also hobbling efforts to spend more time with the people I'm just getting to know are severe handicaps in terms of transportation, disposable income and scheduling - I work nights, typically six of them a week.

Have you ever been in such a predicament, or known someone who was? What did you try in order to break free? Did any of it work? I suspect another round of therapy will be a component in my eventual (one hopes) success in this area, but this is not possible for another month or so. In the meantime, there are an awful lot of crushingly quiet and lonely days and nights ahead. I would like to address this as soon as possible, need help to do it and am afraid to ask for that help.

So I put it to you anonymously, AskMe - How do I relearn the art of making and keeping friends? halfc0ckedj4ckshaftoe@gmail.com is the throwaway e-mail for questions, clarifications, replies you'd prefer to keep private and any other matters.

Thank you.

How do I find the motivation to leave the house?

Danila — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:39:33 -0800

Long-term cabin fever, please help me get out of the house. I have a long history of depression and social anxiety, both before and after the onset of bipolar II disorder. Over the past 18 months, through medication and therapy, I have made tremendous strides in nearly every area of my life: mentally, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually. I am also very much an introvert and that won't be changing, but I have been able to sustain friendships and I have grown significantly closer to the people in my life.

The one thing that really nags at me right now is the fact that I still spend the vast majority of my time in my home. I'm more willing and certainly more able to go out, but I have very little desire to do so. In fact, I think I might go out of the house less now than I did when I was depressed.

Through the keeping of mood journals and regular discussions with my therapist, I really don't think I'm depressed. In fact, within my home I am quite active. I spend hours composing music in fruity loops, studying for college and posting messages back and forth with other students (it's online), talking on the phone with friends, reading, researching, etc. I watch very little tv although if I'm feeling physically sick (which is sadly often, due to severe allergies, PCOS, and migraines) I do tend to watch marathons and movies. Yet mentally I feel active, and I feel involved in the lives of others. And I feel good emotionally, in ways I never have before. I've also fixed my sleep schedule so I sleep at night now, and I'm awake during the day (a major victory for me).

But there's a whole world out there. I think some of the problem is that I'm just not used to going out. I have been sick in a number of ways since I was in grade school, and had to have a teacher sent to my home when I was in high school because I couldn't go (eventually dropped out). Before the onset of bipolar I did work, but that was only about a year before I became sick. I have worked and struggled to get the health care I need in spite of my limitations, to earn my diploma and associate's degree, and to rebuild my relationships.

Eventually, I would like to return to work (or continue my education at a brick and mortar school, because I realize I really like school). My therapist and I agree that I'm not quite ready for work yet, not even part time, but surely there's another way to leave the house. I don't even know how to do it, really, like how to establish that kind of routine and I'd appreciate some advice.

How long to bounce back?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:34:19 -0800

Meltdownfilter: after some traumas I finally fell apart and I'm scared about what, and how long it will take to recover. I had a series of difficult life events happen over the last year including bereavement, stressful new job, and major (unexpected) surgery during my second year in a big new city with no support network. I've also been in an LDR but I got to the end of my tether and said I couldn't do the LDR thing anymore so SO got a job in my new city and is moving here in a month. He's really excited, but I worry how he'll cope with the city. We plan to get a place together at the end of my lease in November. I've also been studying part-time for a demanding subject, and trying to keep my grades up alongside full time work (I was 3/4 time before) is much harder than I'd anticipated.

I noticed myself becoming more withdrawn over the past six months but brushed it off as just needing lots of study time. However, things came to a head recently and I was signed off work for a while after falling apart in my boss's office. I've now been disgnosed with mild depression by my GP and I'm scared. So much needs to change, and I'm not sure how to get strong enough to do this. The doctor is very kind and understanding, she offered me anti-depressants but I'm not sure I want medication, I'm afraid of getting into a cycle of dependancy. I'm also worried for my SO - he's been very supportive, but he does have a fear of depression (a family member suffered very bad depression when he was younger and it has very negative connotations for him). I don't want to have to tell work about this either as they're experiencing a really tough time right now and need staff to be fully with it. Even though (up til now) I've been appreciated by my boss I know the job is a bad fit for me, but I don't feel strong enough to start a new one right now. I do have around 6-8 months of living expenses saved but the whole reason I took this job was to be able to get some funds together and I don't want to blow it all. If my SO wasn't coming here I would just quit my job and return to our former small city to live cheaply for three months whilst I sort myself out. But that's not really an option right now. I feel panicky and trapped and also that I've totally let both my boss and my SO down when they really need me. I'm scared to tell my friends/family what's going on. I don't really know why.

I have an appointment with a therapist this week, but I'm feeling slightly panicked about what to say. I'm really, really confused. Does anyone have any perspective? Thanks.

Help my brain...in Japan!

Griffinlb — Tue, 26 May 2009 08:32:53 -0800

Looking for some advice on how to cope with long-standing psychological issues - except...I'm studying in Tokyo for the next month, which adds some unique twists. I'm studying Japanese here in Tokyo for the next month, and I'm feeling relatively isolated - by the language, by the living arrangements, but mostly by myself. While I expected to have a fresh outlook, and leave my old mindset back in the states, all of the issues I've been dealing with for the past few years followed me here with a vengeance.

I realize I need a therapist, and I had one in the past, but the prospects of seeing one here in Tokyo are both complicated and probably expensive...and I'm only here until the end of June.

So, now for some background info:

I'll try to be as concise as I can, but it's very hard to break down logically. I'm sorry if this gets obtuse - or if I leave out anything pertinent.

I'm 18. I grew up with a (mildly) bipolar father & both my parents were relatively young. I've always (since a very young age) had issues with anxiety - since I was 7 or 8 I have never had any lasting period of contentedness. A few years ago, however, things took a turn for the worse.

During the summer a few years back I had a traumatic breakup with my girlfriend - I made a lot of reprehensible decisions and dealt with shame, guilt and self-hate for the subsequent year. Without getting too detailed, I had a period of total confusion following the breakup, (I was reading crime & punishment which didn't help), and I came out of it feeling like my brain had been dipped in battery acid.

I suffer from low to...less-low anxiety constantly, but generally it feels a little bit more like depression. My anxious tendencies have a lot to do with control - over my life, my environment, my self. More importantly though, I have deep issues with self worth - and beneath the surface I feel constantly evaluated/judged in everything I do. I also have come to realize I have difficulty connecting with other people in a healthy way.

So.

Now I'm in Japan. In the past, all of these issues seemed to subside when my circumstances changed. Sadly, they've shown no signs of going away. I guess these things truly do come from within...shucks.

I'm attending a language school where there are mostly Korean and Chinese students. I feel like I do not know enough Japanese to strike up meaningful friendships with my non-english-speaking peers, and it's even harder to communicate with native-Japanese-speakers. On the other hand I feel like I do not connect with my US peers, and I find the few friendships I have un-fulfilling. I would like to be happy without needing a peer group I connect with, but I've come to realize I rely heavily on the approval of others - and even when I receive it, my own negativity renders it meaningless.

In combination with the feelings of isolation, I feel demotivated, often depressed, and lackadaisical. I know a fair amount of Japanese grammar, so I have little motivation to study for my class. I've tried my best to practice independently using some nifty websites I found, but lately I haven't been keeping up with that - I'm dying to improve my Japanese, but I'm not confident that studying from a textbook is the best way to do it. I also feel constantly anxious that I am not taking advantage of my time here in a place that has inspired me since childhood. I have been sketching every day, which feels like the only thing that has kept me going.

Here are some technical factors: 1 - I have a limited budget from my parents (and I feel often guilty about 'wasting' their money). 2 - I have class from 1- 5 with a 45min-1hr train ride there and back, which breaks up the day inconveniently. 3 - Because my dorm is so far away, (and allows male guests only, and only until 9pm), it is hard to find any activities that do not require copious amounts of money. 4) I often feel compelled to take advantage of the meal plan and go home for dinner, which leaves me trapped in a (very) boring town.

Right now things are a little better, but as always my feelings are day to day with me. The past two nights I've stayed up late drinking alone and drawing, which feels liberating, but probably isn't such a good thing. Today I slept until 3, and didn't go to class for the first time.

Well, this is certainly obtuse. I'm sure that's more than enough information...

I'm just looking on some advice on how to turn things around, feel more confident and alive here in Japan. I would love to be jazzed about being here, and motivated to do things every day - without feeling like I need people that I connect to. (For me, 'people that I connect to' is code for 'girls that I adore' - in case that helps at all)

Any advice that goes above and beyond my stay in Japan is more than welcome.

I'm sorry that this turned out so long and complicated. It probably didn't need to be.

Thank you Hive Mind, for taking the time. I really appreciate any advice, comments etc.

How do you find someone to talk to?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 06:56:53 -0800

I'm not a social person, but I really need to build some relationships. How do people do this? This isn't taught in schools, or I must have skipped that day. I'm dealing with some serious feelings of isolation, and also going through a number of issues in my personal life and need someone to talk to. (If it makes any difference, I'm a straight guy.)

I have a lot of "work friends" but no one I consider truly close. My SO and I have a pretty rocky relationship lately, and go through periods of detachment. (We don't live together, and occasionally go through periods of almost zero communication.) I've been getting the cold shoulder for days now and I'm about to go nuts.

How do you find someone to talk to, short of going to a shrink? I moved recently, and don't have any local friends. I work from home, and don't have much of an opportunity to meet people. Plus, it'd probably be best to not unload on someone a few days or hours after meeting them. But, it's not just about having a shoulder to whine on -- it'd be really helpful if I just had a solid friendly relationship with someone close to my own age. (Late 30s)

I'd consider writing about my issues, but I don't do journals and blogging is out because I don't want to be airing my issues publicly. (Not eager to pursue anonymous blogging. Yes, I see the irony...) Besides, I'd like some feedback.

It's affecting my sleep and my work. It's not a healthy situation, but I'm not sure how to change things. Any suggestions?

An optimistic novel for an indoctrinated nihilist?

zaebiz — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:46:18 -0800

What is a classic, perhaps philosophical, novel about individual freedom to choose? So that no matter how desperate the situation you find yourself in, you always have choices about what to do, how to feel and how to think about your situation. The book is for a Russian lady who grew up mostly in the Soviet era but finds herself in Western civilisation somewhat isolated. When things get very difficult, she tends to react in a nihilistic fashion, rather than a hopeful optimistic fashion. I was thinking some thing in the Jean-Paul Satre mold, but then my knowledge of novels is very limited so very open to suggestions. Ideally it would be so widely available that its pretty likely I could find it written in Russian.

Help fighting isolation for a shut-in.

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 08:37:32 -0800

Help fighting isolation for a shut-in. I'll try to minimize the salient points of my life story: along with being autistic and bipolar, after my oldest sister was brutally murdered and I was raped as a child (I'm male), I've spent the vast majority of my adult life as a shut-in. It was, and often still is, exhaustively terrifying simply to step out the front door or (especially) be in any sort of crowd -- I can only think to describe the feeling like skydiving without a parachute.

I've worked through it over the years to various degrees, getting to the point -- in my early thirties -- when I could finally move away from my parents and start making a new life for myself overseas with an old friend online who would become my husband. Even once I moved away and (for the first time in my life) had this incredible loving relationship, I still couldn't get my ass out the door more days than not. But I was genuinely getting there; he made me feel at ease with the world as I never had before, and for the first time (with his help) I'd started getting some local friends. I've been online in one form or another since Reagan was president, but outside my immediate family, I'd never had *any* real, in-person lasting relationships of any sort, friendships or otherwise... partly because the few people I've connected with online have a nasty habit of being hundreds of miles away, but mostly because I couldn't get out in the world to find them.

The thing is, in retrospect, I never really missed it beforehand -- simply because I didn't know *what* I was missing. Before, I couldn't feel any real anguish over never (with flawed, fleeting exceptions) knowing what it was like to have other flesh-and-blood human beings around me that *wanted* me there, that actually wanted my conversation and company, let alone intimacy. But I found out soon enough when, after just over a year -- and after going out with my husband and my new friends was really starting to feel normal, when it wasn't a major event for me anymore just to feel sun on my skin -- I woke up to find my husband dead, killed by a seizure in his sleep. (He was epileptic with MS.) Legal and financial reasons prevented me from staying overseas with his family (who loved me and wanted to take me in), so I flew back to the room I'd spent most of my life in and psychologically bolted it shut a thousand times tighter than before... reinforced when I got to watch cancer eat my sister away less than a year after my husband's death. (The only person I have left is my mother, and she's been very ill herself over the past several years.) I became a massive sleeping-pill addict, to boot; in the past couple of years, not only have entire months gone by when I didn't see the sun, entire weeks have gone by when I've only even left my bed to eat and use the bathroom. I used to be a highly creative, productive individual; but now all I look forward to is going back to sleep, and seeing their bruised and broken and hollowed-out faces so clearly, so often over and over, the way I saw them for the last time, that if I didn't keep photos of them around me I'd have forgotten by now what they really looked like.

I know all this must look like a giant plea for sympathy/pity, but I'm honestly seeking the opposite: I *want* a psychological kick in the ass, as it were. I want to be better than this -- better than the grief, the self-pity, the fear, the sheer patheticness of it all. For all the shit I've gone through when I *was* part of the outside world (the above is just a few greatest hits from the box set), I am still madly in love with the place and the people in it, as strange and stupefying and deeply scary and profoundly beautiful as they, we, all are. I still want to fight, even though I have nothing left to fight for. I'm tired of being a few extra valium away from giving my mother one more heartbreak in her own wounded life. Most of all, I know my husband and my sisters would want and need me back out there just as much as whatever's left in me that isn't yet completely given over to self-paralyzing fatigue, grief, cowardice. I know now what I've been missing all along -- and I want it back.

Is there anyone else here that's had to overcome severe isolation? How do I walk out my front door without my bare sidewalk feeling like walking into rush hour on the freeway? How can I get back into the presence of strangers for more than five minutes without it being sheer suffocation? How do I keep moving when every day, a little more of me aches to keep still? How do I shape the fuck up and *live* again? How did you do it, if you had to?

Sorry for all the pathetic incoherent rambling... just thought i've got nothing to lose.

Some men are islands

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 07:37:58 -0800

I don't want to die alone. I'm in kind of a tight spot.

I was in a long-term, serious relationship that crumbled a few months ago. We had moved to the Northwest to be together, but she left and returned to our former town, halfway across the country.

Since then, I've become very, very isolated. I never got to know anyone in our new town, and my apartment is kind of on the fringe of the area. My sleep schedule is shattered, and I'm eating a lot more than I would like. I can't seem to muster the attention span to do things that used to be fun and interesting. I've tried reconnecting with old friends on the e-mail, but I think I've spammed them a little at this point. I've tried drinking, but the expense and the headaches have kinda ruled that out for now.

Mostly, I watch TV and wait until I can sleep again. Sometimes I have to get out of here, so I go to the grocery store. I can handle chats with cashiers, but when I've had occasion to have actual conversations, I start talking too fast and get all jittery and jump around from subject to subject -- so it's no surprise I've never hung out with anyone twice here. I'm a guy barreling towards 30, and I'm utterly hopeless socially. Dating really isn't on my mind at the moment, but I'll never get married or have a family in the future if I can't leave the house or talk to women. And I can't talk to women if I can't talk to anyone.

Basically, every logistic of socializing is broken for me. I don't have a lot of money to spend on events. I live far away from everything. I don't feel like I've anything interesting to say, or any interesting aspects. I'm unattractive, and the overeating is only making that worse. I struggle with anxiety, and pretty much figure there's nothing I can say to anyone without coming off as a miserable psycho shut-in when this town is full of strangers. I've learned to plan on being rejected, and I can't take any more rejection. I just don't understand people, and I'm running out of time to learn.

Clearly, I need some therapy. And I've got something lined up that ought to get me eight sessions over the next three months, which should help. But these anxiety problems have been with me all my life, and I don't think eight hours will quite crack them. This isn't the first time I've found myself utterly isolated in a relatively big town, and I'm getting too old to waste any more time in this fashion.

I'm wondering if maybe some of you have gone through something similar in the past, and learned how to overcome it. And I'm hoping you might share the way you started to dig yourself out. I know that friends and relationships are what make life worth living, but I don't even know how to start a conversation. Sorry this ran long.

Thank you.

Late-20s unexpected isolation

StephenF — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:53:21 -0800

Late-20s unexpected isolation. Is this common? I'm 28, and I've found that over the past year or so I've become quite solitary and isolated, which is not a turn of events I'm happy with.

Most of my friends in the same city as me have girlfriends or boyfriends and are settling down. They make me welcome in their company, but tend to function as independent units - we don't meet up as a group regularly - so when I am with them I am usually the third person, which gets tiresome after a while.

I effectively live alone, as the other person I share an apartment with is rarely home. At work, I have lots of acquaintances but few that I would describe as friends. For a long period I went out with some of them a lot, but that always involves getting drunk, and I found myself drinking more than I was comfortable with so distanced myself from the scene. (I think in retrospect I was drinking so much to avoid feeling what I am feeling now). If I don't make some calls and push to arrange something, I will end up spending the entire weekend alone.

I have a reasonably wide rang of interests, but most of them are solitary - reading and writing are the major two, though I'm open to trying just about anything.

My last serious relationship ended two years ago, and while I have dated on and off since then, and I would certainly like to meet someone new, I don't see a girlfriend as the answer - I want to make myself happier with my own life first. The whole sense of isolation comes home when I think that if I was actually introducing a new girlfriend to my life, there would not be a whole lot to introduce her to.

My question is, is this common? It seems to be that it must be at this age - college is firmly in the past, settling down and having children has arrived as a reality, and increased job seniority means no more sharing houses with multiple people. I think mostly what I am missing is the sense of belonging to a group, of regular nights out, or calling over to other people's places etc, all things that seem to have disappeared as I and my circle have got older. And if this feeling of isolation is common, do late-20s+ MeFites have any advice with how to deal with it?

Thanks in advance.

Books about loners

bitteroldman — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 19:34:23 -0800

I am looking for some fiction where the main character is a loner and seems to be OK with it. (possible spoilers) Harry Potter is making me depressed because he has some close friends in Ron and Hermione (sp?), and I have none.

Wicked also made be depressed because, Elphaba seemed to have some friends in college and everything fell apart afterward.

Ditto for It and the Lord of the Rings.

I think these books make me depressed because I am comparing my current life with those of the characters - I had a fragile "fellowship" of friends twice in my life, both years ago.

Now I am alone and trying to deal with my "isolation".

Are there any fictional books where the main character (protagonist?) also deals with the same thing, but eventually finding inner peace with his/her solitude?

Ideally, I would like the "answer" to be related to "inner peace" - not necessarily finding a wife/husband, winning the lottery/Nobel prize - but accepting and loving his/her situation and living "happily ever after" just the way he/she is.

Thanks!

How much solitude can a person take?

cookie googleman — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 17:07:19 -0800

Am I normal? Our company recently closed its New York office and asked some of us to stay on and work from home. At first it was heavenly, but now, nearing the end of month two, I think I'm starting to go a bit balmy from lack of stimulation and human contact. Is it me? Or is this somewhat normal?

taming the emotional hydra?

bluenausea — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 14:51:43 -0800

So, how you do contend with massive, hemorrhaging, overwhelming emotion? This is also sort of a LDR question too. The specific situation, not entirely essential for the questions -- On Thursday, I will move into a difficult living situation with nuns in a village in Malawi. The nuns speak little English; I speak little Chichewa. I will have access to a phone, with middling poor reception, and will be able to talk with my fiance (who I miss agonizingly already) daily. I will have internet on a more or less weekly basis. My duties, theoretically, entail assisting in the village health clinic, but there is also a secondary school. I want to get as involved in both of these as my Chichewa will allow; at present, this doesn't mean much since I don't speak it very well. That will change. But nonetheless, I'm already seriously questioning my judgement in taking this venture, mostly as regards leaving my fiance. (He is totally supportive, and I have stayed stateside while he did similar ventures of his own, so I should not feel too much guilt, although I do. The timing seems wrong -- he is engaged in a superdemanding graduate program and this year, when I am leaving, is actually one of his less busy ones).

It just seems silly and selfish to leave the one I love and who loves me for people who don't know whether I live or die, and would not be affected either way if I did. Arising from all the presently-experienced grief, fear, and pain, and the anticipated futility, powerlessness, and frustration, are my overwhelming, appetite-destroying, sleep-forbidding emotions.

Specific questions:

- How do you cope with overwhelming feelings that destroy your ability to reason? (My reason tells me this will be an unmatched growth opportunity for me, allow me to see world realities as few people in developed countries do, etc; that I will see my fiance soon (in three months), with maybe another 4-6 months apart afterward, but that this has been done before and is really not going to be all that awful, etc). I tell myself all this, but nothing registers. How can I get excited about this amazing opportunity I have again, and stop focusing on all the missing pain? What can I do to beat back my emotion and be comforted by my reason?

- Any particular advice for coping in circumstances in which you can neither understand nor be understood easily, specifically in third-world villages? Anything I can do to cope better with the inevitable social and emotional isolation?

- Most importantly, your very long-distance relationship tips? The fiance and I have done this before, and it's been rough, never fatal. I have good reason to believe it will be better this time, but it's so damn HARD! Does anything make this better? We do all the letter-sending, phone-calling, joint-activity business that we can, given the 8000 mile and six timezone separation. I need more emotional LDR management tips than practical ones.

I do apologize for the probable incoherence of the actual questions.

Help me rediscover the simple life!

It ain't over yet — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 15:34:14 -0800

Help me rediscover the simple life! My editor wants me to write about what it's like to live a simpler life, with less clutter, less technology, etc. The first idea was to go live in an igloo for a week -- nice idea but there aren't any this time of year. And no one really lives in igloos anymore anyway. I'm trying to brainstorm other possibilities. The thing is, whatever and wherever the structure, it should be part of a community, so I have more to describe than just my bare walls. Ie, I'm not trying to re-do Walden, here. A Norwegian fishing village might work, but an important caveat is the people living in this theoretical community must live there by choice -- not simply because they can't afford to live elsewhere. Amish country is the ideal option, but that's been done. Anyone have any other suggestions?

Hell is other people.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 13:53:22 -0800

Is it possible for a person to be so hopeless at interacting with other people that avoiding them as much as possible becomes the sensible thing to do? I've never been good with socializing. It's not just socializing that's painful (don't even mention dating; suffice to say I never have and can't imagine ever being able to do so), but even everyday interactions with people I don't even like or care about can be agony. The misery vs. happiness ratio (from interacting with others) is so insanely high that I've never really seen the point.

I try to force myself to socialize and face the world because, well, isn't that what people are supposed to do? But I can only get by (without turning into a sniveling baby when I feel hurt, which is often) by shielding myself with snobbery and sheer bile- which leaves me feeling sick not only with the world but with myself as well.

I'm in my mid-twenties and just starting my life on my own, and I know it's a bit precocious to be a complete misanthrope already, but I suspect that I'd have a lot less pain and a lot more happiness in my life if I just gave up now on human society altogether and stuck to my own little solitary universe. I know that must seem pretty naive, but I don't know what else I can do.

Anyway, I can't help but wonder... is it possible to find deep, lasting happiness as a recluse? And even if that sort of happiness is out of the question, could being a recluse still be the best option for someone who has become a truly hopeless case?

(anonymous email: cantaffordtherapy@gmail.com)

Bring on the lonely.

ninazer0 — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:21:41 -0800

Where do the misanthropists work? I'm curious to know what occupations have the least human contact - both face to face or phone/email sort of stuff. I'm not just talking about Joe Public but also work colleagues, employees, management - in short, EVERYONE.

Bonus points to anyone who can suggest this type of job that is NOT also remotely located - I was thinking along the lines of night-shift security, mortuary worker, or data-entry drone as opposed to forest warden or remote mining camp operator.

Bluetooth isolation headset?

hihowareyou — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 13:07:55 -0800

I'm looking for recommendations for a bluetooth headset, with sound quality and noise isolation as primary concerns. My car (an Acura RSX) has very poor sound isolation, to the point that hearing anything on the phone is difficult at freeway speeds. With that in mind, I'd like to find a bluetooth headset, preferably with an in-ear design, with high quality sound and isolation. Shure and etymotic make wired headsets that would probably be best really, but I just don't want to deal with the hassle of a cord. Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

strauss without singing

Peter H — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 14:51:19 -0800

Strauss Without Singing - I'm a huge fan of Strauss' orchestra compositions but dislike the opera singing. I know this will make me sound unclassy but I have to ask: is there an orchestra recording of "Four Last Songs" that is just the orchestration and no voice? I've looked and can not find. And additionally, if I wanted to do it m'self - what software/hardware exists to either cancel out voice from music, and music from voice? THANKS AS ALWAYS.

How to make a bright room a little more musical

jon_kill — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:39:00 -0800

Looking for techniques on how to deaden an isolation booth in which we are recording drums. We currently have an isolation booth that has been built with no right angles in the walls. The floors and ceiling are parallel. The walls are drywall, and 7 to 8 feet long each. The ceiling is eight feet high.

We are experiencing a lot of brightness in the room when recording drums. What can we do to deaden the room in a musical way? Solutions that we could remove or fine tune as time went on would be great.

Thanks!

Why don't I have any friends anymore?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 06:19:36 -0800

In the last 15 or so years I have managed to make and keep exactly one friend. What am I doing wrong? I used to have friends from college, but they all moved away (seriously, almost all of them, to other continents and coasts). I freely admit to being judgmental and opinionated--but I'm also funny, well-read, and courteous. (Once upon a time, my friends liked that I was opinionated and judgmental.) I'm a good conversationalist. I know about balancing self-disclosure vs. showing an interest in the other person. I'm also well acquainted with professional help, and with prescription remedies, so no "go to a therapist" answers, please. I've tried taking classes, volunteering, etc. I started a new job recently and I made a huge effort to smile and say hello even if the other person didn't do it first. Yet still, people pretty much never talk to me beyond the bare minimum. I can accept that I don't easily make connections with people; but I find it hard to believe that every single person I meet is waiting for me to make the first move in terms of exchanging phone numbers, making plans, etc. IMO the best friendships are the ones where you share interests and attitudes--I'd rather be alone than with unsatisfying "friends"--so I understand I'm partially responsible. But other than that I'm stumped, and my phone never rings, and I don't have anyone else to ask.

Extroverted Introversion? Introverted extroversion?

Gucky — Mon, 18 Apr 2005 13:44:12 -0800

Going through a major life/social shift, how do you find the balance between being social and well, "me time"? So, I know everyone is somewhere between "Hell is other people" and "No man is an island," but how do you find that balance?

If I stay at home and avoid social interaction, I get stuff done, but I soon feel lonely and I end up surfing LiveJournal and MetaFilter and all that desperate for human interaction.

If I go out and am actively social, at the end of the day, I feel drained and rather icky. And I end up having work and school and house cleaning and the dog and all that to attend to.

Is there a trick to mastering it? How do you find that perfect spot? Advice? Ancedotes? Books? Tell me to stop whinging because it's a universal human condition?

(Details: Online surveys peg me as both an extrovert and an introvert. My ex-husband arranged all the social things up until now. I've never lived alone before. And I can't ever progress in THE SIMS because of the friends points stuff.)

Where would you go to be completely alone for a year?

phrontist — Tue, 21 Dec 2004 11:45:52 -0800

If you wanted to be completely alone, by which I mean away from people, for say, a year, where would you go? The pacific comes to mind... Keep in mind, the goal is to be alone, not to live uncomfortably. You'll want to make it easy to be self sufficient, so a long growing season is preferable, as is a warm climate.

Long Distance Conflicts

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 18:08:59 -0800

My best friend, who lives about 300 miles away from me, and I had made plans to get together for Christmas, along with our other best friend, for whom I paid 600 bucks to fly out here so we all could be together. Now 300-mile away best friend has e-mailed me with a weak excuse and cancelled his visit here. I know he's not adjusting well to his new home, and seems to be isolating himself from everyone, including me. I'm hurt and angry. How best to address this situation?

How is W kept insulated from his detractors?

Ryvar — Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:40:52 -0800

Could anyone provide links or cite specific examples of ways in which President Bush is kept insulated from his detractors? Two examples of the kind of thing I'm looking for would be:

a) Free-speech zones in protests (unfortunately both sides do this so it doesn't count for my purposes today)

b) Statistics regarding the rarity of press conferences held by this administration

Please note that I'm specifically not looking to start a Bush-bashing thread - I need examples of the President being insulated from facts, opinions, and people who run counter to the Republican platform.