Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with introverts

I won't let them eat you, I promise.

Grlnxtdr — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:28:50 -0800

How do I make my shy friends comfortable *enough* to come to my party? I am having a 'Ladies Night' type of party(a clothing swap to be precise) this Saturday and have made sure to invite all of my outgoing friends (who would be sure to come, sure to have a good time types) including my introverted, more shy type of friends.

All of the outgoing ones have, of course, said yes, the slightly less shy have semi-guaranteed that they'd be here, asking if they could come early to get acclimated (of course, yes! I'd love that) so that is all good.

To the very introverted I have extended the invite to them and a friend (so they know someone besides me). The very shy ones have asked how many will be there, and also expressed that they don't feel like they'd know anyone (hence the invite-a-friend) to which I have assured them that all my friends have one thing in common, they are sweethearts. These are also women who have said many times to me that they wish they could do something like this more often but ______(insert introvertspeak here) so I am just going on that vs. projecting my outgoingness on to them.

I will be providing varied social lubricants including food, liquor and neutral-ish music. I myself know that as long as the hostess has a good time, things should go smoothly and Good Time is my middle name.

I've looked at the many Asks dealing with introverted people and accept that some may not come to my smallish (5-15 people) party because they are just *that* shy, and so the answer there is they will not come. O.k. I get that.

Aside from the answer, "Some people just will not come" and short of outright begging, what could I say to you, as that shy person, to push you over the edge to make you want to leave the cocoon of your world and travel (a short distance) to my low-brow, sweetheart filled, similar age-y, pretty much guaranteed you'll like everyone party?

Extroverts, please speak up!

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:22:33 -0800

This one is for the extroverts. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety/shyness to varying degrees my entire life, I'm very curious to know what your inner dialogue is like? What goes on in your mind in various everyday social situations? Are there 'positive' things (if anything at all) that you're saying to yourself or is it just the opposite in that there isn't much of a dialogue prior to the action and instead of thinking (or overthinking) about the hows and whys and whatifs, you just act.

For example, you spot an attractive stranger across the room, decide you'd like to talk to them. Do you then just walk across the room and do it just because you wish to talk to them, without any planning, or caring about the outcome? Is that how it is, when you boil it down? You just do and think/evaluate later? What if the outcome isn't what you'd desired? What are you mental processes in that case, post action. Do you even have an inner critic or were you just born with the ability to 'be in the moment' ?

I realize that it is 'natural' to experience some degree of anxiety in the scenarios similar to the one mentioned above and yet there seem to be some for whom feeling anxious (at least socially) seems like a totally alien concept. It is from those people (though comments from others are also welcome) that I'd like to hear. I just want to know what kind of self evaluation (if any at all) is going on in your mind when you're in social situations.

Thanks!

What to do at night in a small hotel room in a small country town?

b33j — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:13:46 -0800

My husband and I are going on a road trip this weekend and have plenty of places and things to do during daylight hours. It's just the two of us (yay, no kids!) and we'll no doubt chat all day during the drives, hikes, sightseeing. We need something to do between checking in and going to sleep. I'd like an activity that's cheap, and involves the both of us. Nights are in prebooked hotels in very small country towns (that is, we don't have the option to keep driving until we need to sleep). We don't drink. One laptop between the two of us, with no guarantee of internet access. Apart from the obvious bedroom romps, what the hell else do we do during the night time? Normally at home, we (introverts) work (online), study(online), interact with the kids, he plays WOW (not installed on my laptop). Not big TV watchers.

We're Australian, married 17 years, 40+, travelling through Central NSW.

smelly friend, smelly friend, what are you doing today? tomorrow? the day after tomorrow? this weekend? next weekend?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 May 2008 11:39:13 -0800

How can I communicate to a very clingy friend, that no, she does not smell, and yes, I value her as a friend, but do not need to see her every week? Some background. I moved to a certain big city for grad school last summer. A acquaintance who I knew in the old city moved up to new city with her boyfriend, who also moved to said city for grad school. This I think is a big factor, because I seem to be her only friend in the area, after 9 months or so. She's met some people from work, but they don't seem to be in relative age range nor people she would consider "hanging out" with. I totally understand this, and that it's difficult to make friends in new places, and it's much easier when you're in a shared environment, like school. So I've tried to invite her out with friends I've made from school. Sometimes she'd come with the boyfriend, but not make any attempt to make conversation with my school friends. She'd just talk with me and her boyfriend.

But she's getting clingy with me and it's bothering me. I've gotten to know her more since she's moved up her, and I do like and value her, but I don't (and cannot) hang out every weekend with her.

The past few weeks have been extremely stressful and busy with finals and term papers and work, and I explicitly told her I'd be MIA for a few weeks. Today has been an exciting day, because I actually spoke to 4 humans face-to-face! But generally, I have to be a hermit to get things done. But she keeps asking me (facebook, text message) if I want to get together for lunch, or go to the farmer's market, when I told her just the day before - that I cannot do anything because I am swamped. So why would she keep asking me?

I know she's probably lonely. I know being in a new city is rough. But I'm beginning to be bothered by snide remarks that I might think she smells, which is why I haven't seen her for a few weeks. While I know it's sarcasm, there's also a bit of truth behind it - accusing me of not wanting to hang out, when I'm honest to god, really fucking busy. And told her that, several times. And in other parts of the year, I'm perfectly content with seeing friends every few weeks - can an extroverted person help explain to me if they think this is unreasonable for someone who is in a competitive grad school program full time, and work 25-30 hours a week, and has other friends, and also needs to recuperate with some alone time?

I'm a pretty introverted person. I like people, a lot. I really do. But after social interaction, I do need some alone time. I function better when I "charge myself" so to speak.

How do I politely tell her and convince her that I do care about her as a friend, but to suggest she not take "no, I can't hang out" personally?

two introverts and a baby

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 13:51:20 -0800

My husband and I are expecting our first child - we are older, fairly introverted, no extended family nearby, and most of our friends either have older, not-very-dependent children, or are childfree. We don't belong to a church or synagogue (and won't be joining one) and our neighborhood is secluded and full of older folks who we don't really interact with much. I have a very real fear that I will be isolated once I have this child and stay at home with it - a friend of mine said "don't expect to find a fun time at Gymboree - those mothers are bitches!" So there goes that. Has anyone else overcome their introvert tendencies once they reproduce? If at all possible, I want my baby to get out in the world more than I usually do. I'm intimidated by the hot young moms I see with their babies in slings around town - I don't think I would have much in common with them.

Mid-term for Schmoozing 301: Introverts v. Extroverts

choragus — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 06:40:30 -0800

What can I do to create an environment that aids my fellow Introverts toward schmoozing with the cult of Extroverts without causing distress to either type? Lecture
I understand Extroverts ("Type e") want to meet as many people as possible and tend to spend less than 10 minutes on any one person while networking.

Contrasted with Introverts ("Type i") expending 30+ minutes of their networking time talking with a few interesting people and thus forgetting/avoiding to work the room. My personal belief is this is so "Type i"s don't have to look for another schmoozing partner.

So, woe to the "Type e" who gets trapped for a 30-minute toe-to-toe conversation with an "Type i". Or, so I've been told.

One Essay Question for the Mid-term Exam
Imagine you are in the room at the event to schmooze for friends and/or business connections.

As either a "Type i" Schmoozer or "Type e" Schmnoozer, what has to happen in the room to get these two oil-and-vinegar types to mix it up and buzz about the event when they gather around the coffee pot or water cooler the next day?

10 extra credit points for indicating whether you are a "Type e" or "Type i" in your response.

This examination is complete when your answer is posted.

Good Luck!

Networking for misanthropes

dilettante — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 15:47:20 -0800

How does a solitary, introverted type (learn how to) network? I'm unhappy with my current job and am looking for another. The most common advice given to job searchers is to network. However, by nature I'm solitary and I do not at all enjoy socializing. I can sort of socialize when I have to (i.e. Christmas party at my supervisor's house), but it usually gives me a hell of a headache and leaves me exhausted. It's nothing I ever do on my own - I have a couple of very close friends, and then I have work friends, but nothing in between.

I have done a little volunteer work with the kind of organization I'd prefer to work with, but they call when I'm needed and when our hours work out well, and that's not often at all - maybe once in the past six months. What else should I try? I know I do best with structured interaction, something with a definite goal, rather than milling around making random conversation. Oh, and I'm absolutely neurotic about asking anyone for anything - even posting on AskMe bugs me.

Interviewing tips for introverts?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Aug 2005 15:40:26 -0800

How can I, an introvert, learn how to perform better in job interviews? My problem is not so much being nervous (although there's a bit of that) but of having trouble connecting with the interviewer. I know I've lost out on jobs in the past because I haven't seemed "outgoing" enough on the interview. Sometimes I do ok if I hit a groove, but other times I feel myself disassociating and have a hard time staying focused, feel like I'm looking out of the wrong end of a telescope. I am very often told that I seem "reserved" or "quiet," but I feel kind of ...clownlike... if I try to force myself to be more chatty and emotive in interviews. (Although, like many introverts, I can be assertive and communicative when I'm with people I know well.)