Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with introvert

put a sock in it, will ya?

lizbunny — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:48:07 -0800

Help find a coping mechanism for an introvert so he can better tolerate his chatty co-workers? Looking for tips and tricks on tuning out a chatterbox, or how otherwise to avoid becoming annoyed.

Asking for a friend who's a carpenter's apprentice. Being quite introverted, he is annoyed easily with idle chitchat while working ("inane chatterboxes" he calls them). He does enjoy good conversation on a topic that interests him, but it seems to be a rare occurrence. And well, if his co-workers are just not that talkative, that's the ideal situation... but some people do just like to talk of course. Some days this is something he can tolerate, but on occasion it really bothers him.

Asking to be assigned to another job site with the company isn't an option. I don't think listening to music while on the job is an option. And of course the obvious answer is to ask the other person to chatter a little less... but sometimes people forget themselves and do it anyway, and often it'd be more polite just to learn to ignore the other people instead.

It's important that he learns some way to cope with this, because he enjoys the work itself and finds this issue in dealing with "irritating people" is the only real hurdle towards his completing his apprenticeship. Hope some introverts out there have help to offer! Thanks!

How can I converse in large groups?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:32:01 -0800

Help me carry on conversations in groups with my *special snowflake* situation. Yes, I know this question has been asked before, but my case is different.

I am an 18 year old female college student. I am a shy introvert, who is a mix of INTJ/ INTP. I have always had trouble carrying conversations in large groups (say more than 4 people). I think one problem I have is timing. I can't seem to get a word in edge wise. I don't want to be *that girl* and force my point in where it doesn't flow. When I do get a comment in, other, more forceful people seem to move the conversation elsewhere, and thus people rarely respond to my comments.

If it matters, the groups are usually 100% female. They seem like nice people, and I would like to get to know them better.

Compounding factors: I have learning disabilities (but not Aspergers) that make it hard to read people and sense timing. My parents were very strict when I was growing up, so I was not allowed to watch tv, watch very many movies, or listen to popular music. I still do not really enjoy these things today so I have very little "popular culture" currency. I am commonly lost in the conversation, because I am not familiar with the particular show or band. It would be hard to even research these topics, because they change every conversation. Further research cannot mitigate 18 years of lack of popular culture.

Potential things in my favor: I am self aware. I have a roommate, an INTJ, who can help me to a point.

The other questions I have seen before seem to be about grown up mingling. Here, this is not about approaching the group. Nor does finding fellow wall flowers apply to this situation, because everybody else is actively participating in the one conversation. I would find it strange to ask questions about topic to the group (to try to understand the topic), because it would disrupt the main conversation.

In short, I'm looking for advice to improve my conversation skills keeping in mind my *special snowflake* situation. I am still working on meeting new people with different interests, but that's hard when I can't converse with people in larger groups. I will reiterate that I do not have Aspergers. I'm just awkward and shy around people.

Long-Distance Friendship for Introverts

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:49:20 -0800

Introvert Filter: please help me revive a friendship! I have lost contact with an old friend, for no particularly good reason--I like this friend a lot, but I just never got motivated enough to call or write. My friend sent a couple emails, and I didn't reply to them. I kept meaning to write back, but I never got around to it, and now several months have gone by and I feel really guilty about it. It's especially hard for me to write back now because of the guilt, and because I don't know how to explain why I didn't write back before. This has gone on for several months and is only getting worse.

I feel like it takes a huge amount of energy to stay in contact with people, even when I like them. The longer I wait to reply, the harder it gets, until it seems nearly impossible. Yes, I know this is beyond normal behavior even for an introvert and procrastinator, but I don't think I can explain it any better. (If it helps, I'm a little like the author of this question, but she might not make sense either.)

Another factor to consider is that even when I manage to overcome my inertia and talk to one of my far-away friends, I don't necessarily manage to do it for another. This is just because I find it easier to keep in touch with some people than with others, and because some are more understanding than others of my not communicating (which has never gotten this bad before).

(TL;DR details: I was recently visited by another friend that I do talk to, who had stopped by friend #1's workplace. Friend #1 wondered what had happened to me, and Friend #2 felt awkward for having been in contact with me when I was ignoring Friend #1. I also feel awkward about emailing Friend #1 and claiming my behavior was nothing personal, when in fact I wasn't ignoring other people.)

I really want to email my friend. Unless my friend is extremely angry at me, which I doubt, it's worth whatever unpleasantness I'll have to endure; I just want to minimize that unpleasantness as much as I can. (I already know it's my fault and I deserve it, so please don't rub it in.) What should I say? Should I try to be honest even though it won't make sense? Should I lie? (I think there are times when a white lie really is better than the truth, but what lie would work here?) If your friend emailed you after a long disappearance, what could (s)he say that would minimize your negative reaction?

One final note: please do NOT say things like "just say what you said here, because anyone who's REALLY your friend will understand." Real people aren't perfect like this, and I'm not sure I'd even want friends who are endlessly forgiving.) Thanks for reading!

Oh yeah, well the jerk store called... Comebacks for the introverted

pixlboi — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:40:04 -0800

What is a good comeback for an introvert, attending a social occasion, who gets told, for the umpteenth time, "Hey you're really quiet aren't you?" I am quiet, a good listener, fairly laid-back, definitely tend toward the introvert side of the scale but I can also enjoy certain social occasions. I am interested in people and like to listen to conversation and hear people tell their stories.

Inevitably, after quite happily listening for the majority of the evening I will be told some version of: "Hey, you're really quiet aren't you?" or "You don't say much do you?" or "You haven't said more than two sentences all night."

After dealing with this dozens of times I'm tired of thinking about it and would like a nice scripted comeback for these statements. Something light, mildly humorous maybe, witty...

The title of my post notwithstanding, I'm not offended by these statements. I'm not interested in putting the other person down or making them feel small. I'm not trying to appear smarter or superior to anyone or trying to make any negative judgement about the fact that they like to talk.

Just a light, self-effacing response. What say you, hivemind?

I want to rock the party.

yersinia — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:10:51 -0800

One bachelorette party, ten miscellaneous female guests, one extremely introverted organizer (that's me!). Activities are set, but what little things can I do (or how should I behave) to keep things cohesive and lively, instead of awkward or lame? As maid of honor at my sister's wedding, I'm in charge of running her bachelorette party in a few months' time. The thing is, I'm personally pretty reserved and low-energy. I've never been to one of these things myself, and in general female group socialization of the "SQUEE!"/Sex-and-the-City variety is kind of a mystery to me. Sis is also on the quiet side of average, but she does like parties and I know she'd enjoy having a proper bachelorette experience.

The guests are likely to be a mix of mutually-unacquainted high-school, college, and work friends, ages 25-35, and I haven't seen Sis with any of them, so I have no real sense of the existing social dynamics. We'll likely be doing a pole-dancing class plus dinner, and thanks to this question I'm set with ideas for smaller activities/games.

What I'm worried about are the intangibles of executing this plan, the little details of demeanor and conversation that might help unite everyone into a group and ensure that the energy level stays high. Being a kind of un-fun person myself, I've had plenty of social interactions that bottomed out, energy-wise (as well as some where I ended up having to exhaustedly feign enjoyment for hours at a time), and I'm worried about how the party will fare if I'm the one responsible for getting the evening going.

Normally, just the thought of attending a bachelorette party would fill me with dread and anxiety, but I think I can make it through the hostessing if I have a very clear, explicit plan for how to act/what to say/how to "be"/etc. to keep things lively for everyone. So thinking back to the absolute funnest small party you've ever attended, what qualities and behaviors characterized the host(ess)? And how can I fake being, well, more like that?

I need to get out of the house and chill.

desjardins — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:10:39 -0800

Calling all introverts: I need suggestions for places in or around Oak Park/Chicago where I can chill with a laptop or a book and not be bothered. For personal reasons, I'd like to be able to get out of the house on a moments notice for awhile and chill by myself. I don't want to go to bars or listen to live music. I'm comfortable in crowded urban settings but I don't want to talk to people. Museums are great but I can't afford to do that every weekend. I prefer not to be outside unless it's cold enough to snow. Yes, I am serious.

I just moved near Ridgeland and Madison in Oak Park. I'm closest to the green line, but the blue line isn't out of the question (I also have a car). I have a laptop. I cannot connect to wifi or 3g or whateverthehellyoucallit with my phone.

This would especially be needed Saturday, Sunday and Monday. If there are places open late (after 9 pm) during the week, that's good too. Actually, for weeknights, anywhere between Hoffman Estates and Oak Park would work (off of I-90 or 290).

An Introvert's Hosting Survival Guide Needed.

srboisvert — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 01:10:11 -0800

How can an introvert survive and hopefully thrive while entertaining short to medium term house guests? (Long term being out of the freaking question!) I'm not anti-social but I find it extremely exhausting to have guests stay in my flat for any longer than a day or two. My batteries just don't seem to recharge unless I get time alone in my own place. However, it feels rude to leave guests alone and I suspect it might also makes them feel rude/neglected.

How do other introverts manage it?

Socializing in a second language?

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:56:33 -0800

How does an introvert socialize in a second language? I'm living in another country right now, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to socialize. It's one thing to say, "Join a club! Take a class!" But comprehension/speaking abilities in my second language are pretty horrible. I have opportunities to take art classes and dance classes and even a unicycle class. But my shyness and lack of language ability are holding me back. I feel nervous just running into my flatmates making dinner--they don't speak that much English.

I'm kind of socially-dumb in English, too. My nervousness over my second language is turning me into a hermit.

Any advice? Should I ignore being social until my language skills are better? I'm already listening to more dubbed Lazy Town music than I can handle!

(Anon. because my friends would probably make fun of me for posting this. My throwaway account is socialmute@gmail.com.)

Help me get my new co-workers to like my introverted, hard working self.

Effigy2000 — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:19:28 -0800

Just started a new job. I want these people to like me. Other than working hard, what's the best way for an introverted person like me to make a good impression with my new co-workers? I'm not a social animal. I don't really like going out for drinks after work and because I'm generally a quiet, reserved kind of guy, I don't tend to be the extroverted type who is able to easily make friends by being the life of the party. I'm really very much an introvert who is slightly extroverted around those people he really knows. I'm also told I'm a pretty friendly guy, easy to work with, albeit a bit quiet.

What I am, however, is good at what I do for a living. I've worked in this field for three years now and despite some issues with a previous boss (issues that can basically be boiled down to a personality conflict between us), I've had nothing but good things said about me and my work.

The thing is, in the work-culture I operate in, it's almost expected that you be a social animal. But I'm simply not such a creature. People in my line of work who like me tend to be people who recognise that I'm great at my job and that I work hard while I'm at work and then switch off and relax when it's time to go home.

My new job is essentially my old job in a whole new office with all new people. I won't say what it is that I do exactly, but sufficed to say it's an office job and slightly high-profile.

This new job is a chance to cast off the impressions people held of me back in my old office, primarily because no-one there really knows me since, as I say, it's an entirely new office. So I want people to like me. How can I be the social animal people will want me to be (or at least give that impression) so as to ensure that as many of my new colleagues like me, despite myself?

Jobs for sociophobes?

ClarissaWAM — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 11:01:51 -0800

My friend is a sociophobe with an Arts degree. She wants to find a job with some social interaction, but avoiding high pressure / extroverty jobs. She suffers from fairly severe sociophobia (some symptoms: sweaty hands, shakes & heart racing, blushing & stuttering, panic building up days before an event etc) as well as extreme lack of confidence & shyness. She is also very bad at small talk and lacks social awareness.
She is finding that a lot of the jobs she would be qualified for (she has a degree in German & comparative literature and languages. She's German btw) are not suitable for her because you're expected to be outgoing / very communicative etc (PR, journalism, new media, all that kinda stuff).

So now she's looking for alternatives. She'd be quite happy doing something fairly mind-numbing (but of course she's afraid of not even being considered due to being "overqualified"). She wouldn't want to be completely locked away (to avoid her issues getting worse), but nothing where being confident and outgoing is a prerequisite of the job. Obviously it would be nice if her degree didn't completely go to waste.

Other qualifications: she's pretty creative, esp. as a writer, she's a great researcher with a lot of varied knowledge, and she has a a deep interest in science (and actually regrets having done an arts degree now). She's also good at languages.

If you're sociophobic yourself and have found a job you like she'd also love to hear about it!

(please do not suggest therapy. she's looking into that atm but that's not what this question is about.)

Thanks!

How can I get alone time as a (new) parent?

El Curioso — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 23:48:12 -0800

Fellow introverts, and others who need lots of alone time: How did you deal with becoming a parent? We just had our first baby, which I am incredibly excited about. I'm also apprehensive, for many reasons, but one in particular: as a classic introvert I need a lot of alone time, and I gather that new babies (and children in general) are hell on that.

I don't feel like I get enough alone time as it is, partly through my own reluctance to ask for or demand it. (It feels "antisocial" or "selfish," or both.) It's been especially lacking the past nice months of the pregnancy when my wife couldn't do much and we ended up at home, together, a lot.

I'm thrilled to be a father. I want to share parenting duties as much as possible with my wife. Since we're both freelancers working from home, this will be easier, but it also seems like a recipe for no time to myself whatsoever for maybe years, and that's terrifying.

I don't want to be a remote parent, always looking for a way to escape from my family--either by literally going away (I travel a lot for work) or into the computer, books, etc at home. Yet I need serious amounts of solitude for my own sanity. How can I get it?

Chicago for Introverts

hitopshelf — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 11:32:01 -0800

Where do you go and where do you live? I currently live in West Lakeview and after the daily hustle/bustle that is working in the Loop, I find myself needing to unwind. I like the idea of book stores and coffee shops but the only ones I know around me are the standard Borders/B&N and Starbucks and those are usually busy.

The Picky Introvert's Guide to Making Friends?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 May 2008 07:02:30 -0800

I'm a male introvert with very, very few close friends. I can make casual friends no problem, but I'm rather particular about the type of people I'd want to be serious friends with. Difficulty: I'm an atheist liberal eco-friendly vegetarian tech nerd who doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Meeting people casually has never been an issue; I'm plenty friendly and can "play the part" pretty well, but when it comes to strong friendships I'm pretty easily turned off. I don't like people who drink, I don't like religious or "spiritual" people, I don't like conservatives, and I don't like luddites. (Note: I'm BASICALLY Straight Edge, save caffeine and sex, but I hate the people and music that go along with the scene so I don't use the label.)

Finding a godless liberal who doesn't eat meat isn't terribly difficult, so it seems like the biggest problem is the anti-drinking/smoking/drugging part. I'm definitely an introvert - I live with my girlfriend of 3 years, work full-time for a tech company, and neither of us go to parties or bars or are terribly social. Weekends are spent together, either out doing simple activities or inside watching movies, etc. We're homebodies. I can entertain myself just fine, but I feel like I could unlock more islands, so to speak, of my life and myself by making some close friends. (I've been playing a lot of GTA, sorry about the metaphor.)

So, please, help me out here. I just feel like if I'm going to invest in a friendship, it had better be with someone who I respect. Settling for less seems like a recipe for disaster. Advice? Where/how do I find like-minded people?

(PS - If you happen to fit the qualities I mentioned, uh, we should be friends! Leave a comment and I'll msg you from my real account.)

I have no real friends, and yet I'm perfectly happy, am I weird??

katala — Sun, 04 May 2008 04:07:56 -0800

I have no real friends, and yet I'm perfectly happy, am I weird?? Maybe it's media influence making me thing this is somehow wrong or weird, but I've always been a very self-sufficient "loner" type of person and yet I'm perfectly happy with my life. I'm happily married, I adore my two cats and spend a lot of time with them, I always have a list of projects as long as my arm to get through, and various introverted hobbies like writing music, reading, and watching movies (I'm also an only-child if that helps).

My full-time job is quite social (very chatty boss, lots of meetings), but apart from work and dinner with my husband at night, as well as catching up with the two casual friends I have once every few months, I really just keep to myself and am perfectly happy doing so. I feel absolutely no need to fill my life with more people (and my family is over 1000 km's away so I don't even see them more than once a year!).

My husband has his own friends that he goes out and does stuff with, but I myself have no friends like that - someone I could ring up and invite to go see a movie, or a girlfriend to go shopping with, etc. We're both home-bodies so we rarely go out anywhere, and even if we do it's usually just the two of us going out for dinner, not a social event. We also don't really have any joint friends.

Somehow I've got this idea in my head that it's un-natural to be this way? That we human's are social creatures and by being a "lone wolf" I'm not following the natural order of things? It's definately not a result of misanthropy as I like humanity on the whole and always try to see the best in people, it's also not a case of being shy or socially inept, I just seem to like doing my own thing in my own time and have no desire to actively seek out new friends.

I'd love your thoughts on all this... are you like this yourself or know anyone who is?? Am I just a very self-sufficient type of introvert, or do even introverts have at least one close friend (for the sake of this argument we'll say a partner doesn't count)?

I'm a bookish introvert stuck in the advertising industry! Help!

Chaotician — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 11:01:50 -0800

After several miserable years in the ad industry, I'm quitting, because I was never cut out for this to begin with. Suggest some gigs more suited to a right-brained, literature-loving introvert who values kindness far more than the bottom line. When I graduated with a B.A. in film (all the professional training I have), I headed straight for the entertainment industry, and that soon bled into advertising (which is a bit easier to get into). Unfortunately for both me and my employers, I never found much success at any position above mailroom, because I am--to put it very mildly--not a people person. I've struggled with depression and social anxiety all my life. This handicap is something I'm working through on my own time, but it's not helping that I'm on the phone with cranky strangers for most of an average day. I won't even go into what I perceive as a rampant shallowness and hypocrisy in the industry and many of the people in it. If this world is your thing, great; but it's not mine.

What I want to do with my life is be paid to write and/or edit novels, and I'm honing those skills in my spare time. Until that begins to generate some income, though, I need some means of support that won't play to my weaknesses. I'm a reader and a writer, and I do my best work when left alone. Something like night watchman might be ideal, but my girlfriend (who lives with me) works a day job, and I'd like to see her every evening.

I'd also love to become involved with a cause supporting, say, promoting fair trade, ending the drug war, preventing animal cruelty, and various others. I'm willing to push my comfort boundaries, but I still need to finish some personal growth before I start another job that forces me to interface with strangers all day.

That's about the long and the short of it. I do have a bit saved up, but not enough for more than a few months. I'd love to pour all my effort into writing, and I'd love to go back to school for a masters, but I'd prefer to have something to feed and shelter me until then.

So, in brief, I need a job that doesn't promote an industry I loathe, lets me work mostly alone, and has normal (or flexible) hours. Any ideas?

Mark CF, I love you, but go away :P

divabat — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 18:58:43 -0800

What are some good (preferably experience-based) birthday gifts for a 21-year-old Australian programming geek who thinks he's Danish? My boyfriend's (whom you all so nicely wished Happy Birthday to in code) 21st birthday is coming up in February. It's going to be a big birthday for him so I want to make it special.

One thing he loves about me is that I'm always doing interesting things and that I often involve him in them - I've dragged him to the Gold Coast to help me stage manage a show, and I've brought him to damn near every multicultural festival that exists in Brisbane. We spent a weekend away in Redcliffe a few months ago and it was awesome. I would like to gift him with another awesome experience-style gift, but I'm at a loss for what to get him.

Some facts about him:

* White Australian male; I'm the most exotic thing about him
* favourite motto is "You can't be young forever but you can be immature indefinitely!" (to him it means he doesn't have to be boring and serious all the time)
* Obsessed with Magic: The Gathering
* Studying IT (Web Services) in uni; currently in 1-year work experience with a performing arts company managing their Web stuff. Often programs stuff in Javascript as a hobby.
* Went to Denmark for a year on exchange and now thinks he's half-Danish. Can speak Danish reasonably fluently. He yearns for opportunities to speak with Danish people and re-experience Denmark. I think he's saving up for a trip to Denmark in a year or so.
* Likes pandas a lot and has assorted panda paraphernalia. (I tried adopting a panda from WWF for him but their web form broke.)
* Enjoys cycling a lot. Also somewhat sporty, but he often needs an excuse (like a school sports team) to play
* Introverted and shy, but quite open and friendly to people he's familiar with
* Says he misses going out drinking; hasn't been to a bar in about a year or so. Doesn't drink much however.
* Likes Indian food; sometimes is more Asian than I am
* Likes to read, especially crime thrillers; Harry Potter fan

I've looked at sites like RedBalloon but nothing there seems to fit. While he is techy, I don't want to get him an iPod or other presents of that nature because I think other relatives will cover that for him. He knows I'm coming so I can't surprise him like I did this year!

I also don't have a lot of money (otherwise I would have bought him a plane ticket) but I could try talking to his mum (whom I'm close to) to see if we can work together on something.

Thanks folks!

Social insecurity ahoy! How do I fix a bad first impression?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 13:24:44 -0800

Pretty soon I’ll be going out of town to visit a good friend, and said friend has just invited me to the Xmas party with the folks she works with since it’ll be held while I’m out there. Problem is, they’re very cool and I’m very NOT. We’ve met before and I’m pretty sure most of them think of me as my friend’s dweeby, awkward, strange pal. This only compounds my anxiety and will likely make me act even MORE dweeby, awkward, & strange this time around. Please help me with damage control! So I’ve read through past questions on social anxiety in party settings (like this one), and they’ve had a lot of really helpful advice I certainly intend to try. However, one thing I can’t seem to find is any input on what to do if you’ve got to interact with a group of people you kind-of know, who kind-of intimidate you, and among whom you’ve probably already given an impression of yourself as shy, dweeby, and strange.

These folks are all more or less nice and they’ve never done anything “mean” to me but they do intimidate me. There’s just something about their group dynamics – a certain “edge” to the them – that gives me uncomfortable flashbacks to junior high (guess which kid –I- was in gym class!) and makes my awkward and introverted tendencies come out even more than usual. Unfortunately there’s also something about them that makes me kind of admire them and WANT them to like me – plus of course I don’t want to “embarrass” my friend (logically I doubt I would, I KNOW we’re good friends, but emotionally I can’t seem to shake the fear) – which is only compounding my anxiety and likelihood of awkwardness. Gah!!

All of which goes to say: I will soon be at a party with people around whom I’ve previously come across as dweeby and awakward, and they do kind of intimidate me, and yet I do want to go to this party with my friend and would LOVE to help fix those first impressions or at the very least not feel so uncomfortable that I only end up acting even MORE awkwardly this time around. Have you ever been in such a situation? Are there things I could do or consider that would help me fix a bad first impression and do a better job of putting my best foot forward this time around?

Guh, social buffoonery makes life so DIFFICULT! :P

Including yourself in exclusionary settings

TheSecretDecoderRing — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:46:22 -0800

How do you include yourself in exclusionary conversations? Recently I had dinner with my roommate and three of her co-workers, whom I've met before at their job, but don't know personally. None of the others had brought guests, so I felt very much like the outsider all night. Most of their discussion was work-related, and while they didn't talk down to me when I was asked anything, and I was able to get a few comments in, it was rather awkward the rest of the time. I don't think they saw my quiet presence as awkward, mainly because it often felt like I wasn't even there. I'd expected stuff along the lines of "So how do you like it in town," or "What's your job like?" but didn't really get it.

I sort of have the same problem on my first days at a new job, where the others will chat among themselves, talking about personal matters and such, which again make me feel left out. And then they'll wonder why I'm so quiet. Not to say that anyone was rude in these two scenarios, but I'm just not the type to throw in my 2 cents with a group of unfamiliar people. More like the typical "Once you get to know me, I can be pretty fun to talk to" introvert. But I need some rope to get there. Even with friends, I get along much more easily when there's only two or three others, rather than five or six.

The more obvious question is how to throw yourself into the chatter more when it doesn't really involve you, without feeling like you're butting in. The other is how common it is for "established" groups to not make an effort to let someone less familiar feel more welcome. I felt like if my roommate had been with me and my co-workers, I'd have been pretty darn guilty if we only talked about my job the whole time.

Help me overcome and introverted nature.

mintchip — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 19:56:55 -0800

Help me overcome and introverted nature. I am basically introverted. I don't have a hard time talking to people if I have to, or if I really want to. I just often don't really have the desire to overcome my default state of introversion.

It's not that I don't like other people; in fact, I love it when people are friendly with me!! I've just always been more content to sit back and observe others and wait for them to talk to me. But more often than not, this results in missed opportunities. Seems like people just don't notice the quiet girl who sits back and waits for them to talk to her :(

Recently I've been spending time with someone who is very outgoing. He makes friends with all of the wait staff (male or female) whenever we go out. Honestly, this leaves me feeling a little jealous--I would love to meet people too and have friends wherever I go but feel that no one ever talks to me.

I think the issue is that I just don't know how to make the first move. How can I push myself out of my comfort zone?

Why are you talking at me?

allkindsoftime — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:30:39 -0800

Please help me kill my introversion before it kills my relationships. (standard apologies for the length)

One weekend a couple of years back, I had a good college friend come and visit me at my place in NYC. I remember on that Saturday we made no plans, didn't go anywhere, just opened up the windows and door to the deck and enjoyed the nice weather. She read a book and journaled, I surfed the internet and cleaned my desk. We went for hours at a time without saying anything to each other. I often think of this as one of the most pleasant days of my life - having somebody there with me but the both of us actively pursuing our own activities, not feeling much need for words.

People don't seem to get me. I'm an introvert, and unfortunately for a long time have been trying to live like I wasn't one, which seemed to work well enough for maybe the past 5 years. I had my problems here and there, but I got by - landed the better jobs, got the promotion, had good friends, was enjoying life. During this period I rarely dated and never had a serious relationship, not so much for lack of opportunity as just a lack of interest.

Recently I made a major move to a new city (in a new country), and in particular have struggled with two individuals: a subordinate I manage on my work project that brought me here, and a colleague on another project nearby who I have been spending a few weekends traveling with. In both circumstances, I have extremely upset these people, the first in the work environment and the second in the travel / leisure environment, due to my lack of effort at open, direct communication. Both of them, actually, were upset by the same situation - when I picked up my book for an hour or more and just read without saying anything. Was I supposed to warn them I was going to read instead of chat? This kind of blows my mind - that things like this which seem so insignificant to me could lead to total relationship meltdown.

Things I have trouble with:

1) Eye contact. When talking to either of the aforementioned about specifics, I find it incredibly hard to maintain eye contact, regardless of the environment or topic at hand. I have absolutely no trouble with eye contact with strangers, my close friends, a girl I'm interested in, or acquaintances that I have little dealing with. It seems to be more in relationships that are forced upon me by circumstance (i.e. work colleagues, etc.).

2) Small talk. I pretty much hate this with anyone. I like to get to the point, I don't want to comment on the weather or your day yesterday or other uninteresting information. I know this is rude and inconsiderate, but how do I change myself to actually be interested in hearing someone talk about these things?

3) Verbalizing my thoughts. If I don't have anything to say, I usually remain quiet. I realize that some people need more explanation about what I'm thinking / feeling / etc., but even given this realization I find it very hard to remember / force myself to actually say things that I really don't think need to be said. This sometimes pours over into not verbalizing things that I do think need to be said, because an atmosphere of tense silence has already been created, and because I'm fairly comfortable with it, so why rock the boat?

I often prefer to communicate via email / IM - writing feels important to me - I have my thoughts there in a format that is clear and easy to reference, and it allows no one to bend what I've said. That said, I think I sometimes rely to heavily on this when I should be saying things verbally.

How do I change? I realize there are parts of this that are just who I am, but if who I am makes other people miserable, I believe I have to change that. I suppose "get thee to therapy" is the logical response but I don't really have that option at the moment (on reduced salary with limited benefits in a country I'm not from). What I am looking for are practical habits I can look to develop, tips/tricks I can pick up, ways to be a warmer person that can help others understand where I am coming from, etc..

It seems like most of the popular stuff out there regarding introversion is focused on helping everyone else understand us (see here, here, and here). That's all well and good and I wish they would, but its a hell of a lot easier to change myself than it is to change everyone else.

How can I feel more gregarious?

levijk — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 10:47:16 -0800

How can I feel more gregarious? How to more deeply appreciate fellowship? I tend to be quite solitary and have inadvertently hurt, even lost friends who have taken my isolation personally. Consequently I sometimes accept invitations simply to avoid offense. Some of this tendency stems no doubt from social anxiety/low self-worth and perhaps to a lesser extent from trust issues. But I pass up opportunities for human transaction even when there is no risk to myself. For instance, I can make small talk in line at the supermarket but rationalize reasons not to: it feels forced and thus insincere. Basically my social threshold is very low and I believe I am depriving myself of the enriched existence I imagine extroverts experience. Is gregariousness something I simply need to fake until it becomes real? Please share your strategies and experiences.

Eye contact, smiling and communicating interest?

mintchip — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:01:47 -0800

Eye contact, smiling and how to be more approachable? What I'm trying to figure out is how to communicate interest to others and seem more approachable, particularly when it comes to eye contact and smiling.

I am quite shy and have the hardest time looking strangers in the eye. Sometimes I'll be out at a cafe or on the street and a guy will be looking or even staring at me and even if I *want* them to approach me I look away. Once someone is talking to me I have no problem looking them in the eye...I just have trouble communicating interest initially.

First of all, I live in the northeast where people are pretty reserved and not very friendly. Second, I'm not sure how long to look people in the eye to communicate openess or interest without it seeming strange. Also, do I need to smile at the same time (if I don't, it will seem unfriendly, right?). Finally, I'm scared they will look away or think I'm desperate, so the way I avoid that is by just keeping a blank look on my face much of the time. I'm sure this comes across as disinterest, but that's not what I want to convey.

I know I'm overthinking this, but humor me, Mefites ;) It's not easy being an introvert in an extrovert's world.

I keep my friends "separate" from each other. "Group" things make me nervous. So...how to introduce my new boyfriend?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 08:00:18 -0800

I keep my friends "separate" from each other. I have this really weird thing where I get very nervous when I introduce my friends to each other. Basically I always worry that they won't like each other, or that one will judge me on the company I keep (obviously I like all of my friends, but some are troubled souls...for example, one is a serious alcoholic), or that one of my friends will make me look bad to the other person, intentionally or not. I believe that most of these worries are unfounded, but basically I am someone who has trouble relaxing and just "letting things happen," and this is one of those examples. I also just feel more comfortable interacting one-on-one than in a group.

Furthermore, due to a prior history of depression, I went through a period where I really had very few friends and unfortunately lost some of the ones I did have. Consequently, I don't have the "tribe" of friends one might expect for someone who has been living in the same city as long as I have. Although I've mostly overcome these past difficulties, I'm terribly sensitive about not having enough good friends and appearing unpopular. (I should add that I am a natural introvert, and the issue is more that I feel that I "should" have more friends than "wanting" to have more.)

Enter my new boyfriend. How do I introduce him to my friends, who I like and hang out with occasionally but am not terribly close with, without getting really stressed out about the whole situation and worrying that he won't like my friends, they won't like him, that he is wondering why I don't have closer friends, etc.?

Addendum: I briefly dated a number of the guys in my circle at a time when I wasn't being particularly "picky"...I don't think I'd need to tell the BF since they were not serious relationships, but this certainly adds to my nervousness about introductions and what may or may not reveal itself at a later date...especially if alcohol is involved. I am serious about this guy and don't want him to judge me on a past that is totally in the past!

Suitable jobs for the introverted?

AuroraSky — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 07:43:13 -0800

What careers would suit an introverted but intelligent person? I am working through several careers books but have difficulties settling on careers to research further. I have social anxiety as do most of my friends (met through self help sites) and we are mostly in the same boat. Everyone seems to be looking for extroverted types, where do we introverts succeed? I did a degree in marketing and got good grades but don't really feel I have the visual thinking or creative flair to do well in that field (although I could do a relatively junior post perhaps). Sad to say but I was better at writing essays about marketing than I was about doing it in the real world. However I have been working in marketing and admin posts for a few years until I had to give up my job due to bipolar disorder in April 2005. I was best at working with words and communicating in writing, and had basic skills with web page and Microsoft software but not anything special.

Since I have been out of work for a while I want to pick a career that will suit my introverted and shy personality. I looked up human resources but think the side of me that avoids confrontations would be stressing with dealing with disciplinary and grievance sides of things. My other socially anxious friends tend to be either unemployed or on incapacity benefit or underemployed in a McJob (to avoid interpersonal conflict or even things like answering phones), so SA is definitely an issue that can make or break careers. I definitely feel I am behind my peers in career because of SA, my not having an aptitude for the practicalities of marketing but pursuing it for a long time anyway and also my depression which is now being treated.

Is there anyone out in the green who is very shy but also enjoying their career, or has an SA friend whose personality is a good fit for their career? I should also add that my interests so far tend to have been in basic internet, writing e-newsletters or press releases, or progress reports and suggestions for clients. I feel I have more of a feel for things like communications or social science and don't have an aptitude for maths or computer science. I am going to research several careers before I choose one, and will share any ideas MeFites have with the people at the social anxiety site I frequent since several of us are in the same boat.

How can an introvert survive?

anonpeon — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 07:53:22 -0800

How does an introverted step-parent deal with an extroverted child? I'll just preface by saying she's a good kid and I believe this is my problem.

She's 15, in high school and just chatters, chatters, chatters, usually small talk, inane stuff really, with a bit of teenage angst thrown it.

I can't listen to anymore of it really. It can go on for a couple of hours, constant chattering about whatever is in front of her. Not what I want to hear after a full day's work. I realize it's good that she talks, but it feels like it's sucking the life outta me, having to hear it, so I've been distant with her lately, which I'm sure she senses, so she attempts to fix it by chattering at me MORE, which just starts the cycle all over.

I don't do smalltalk at all, not even with adults. It's soul draining to me and I find I need a time to myself to recharge from it. Which leads to the decision to refrain from it usually.

What can I do to cope with this constant mindless chatter, so that the child is still getting some attention and I'm not losing my sanity? I feel like at my wit's end and dread coming home these days.