Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with intimacy

Not tonight, honey, the dog is watching my headache.

Felicity Rilke — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 17:31:03 -0800

What are the best (or worst) real-life excuses you've heard or used to avoid sex? I've been assigned to write an article on excuses for avoiding sex. In an attempt to cast the net wider than my friends (and avoid embarrassing the more prudish of the lot), I'm appealing to the Metafilter community for examples of excuses you've encountered as either avoider or avoidee.

(Feel free to MeMail me if you don't want to post here).

Other sources for physical intimacy?

~Sushma~ — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:03:39 -0800

Lonely, hungry for intimacy, ravenous to be touched, coddled or stroked. I'm old, sick and unattractive, I used to be smoking hot but men don't look at me any more, nor do they even acknowledge my presence. The area I live in is sparse for dating, and I've even tried one night stands. I have given up. What are some other ways to get the physical needs I have for the human social intimate relationship I do not have? I've done the CL casual encounters, internet dating etc.... Going for a massage now to see if it helps, and yes I have a loving and much loved pet....but I need more. Any resources? I'm sure there are others like me out there.

How can I stop being so ticklish?

giraffe — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 11:14:59 -0800

How can I stop being so ticklish? As far as I know, I've always been incredibly ticklish. As in, will scream and flail about if my skin is lightly touched. I haven't conducted any major research or anything, but it doesn't seem like I get more or less ticklish when any sort of conditions change (tiredness, drunkenness, whether I know it's coming, changes in weather, phase of the moon, level of intimacy with the tickler, how long I'm being tickled). It's pretty much all over my body, except my breasts (reduction), calves, feet (weird!), hands, and very occasionally my neck. Since it will probably come up, I do have PTSD, which would suggest hypervigilance, but I've always been this way.

The tickling sensitivity has officially become A Problem because it's interfering with my ability to be physically intimate with my partner, who I really, really like and would prefer to not instinctively swat away.

So, what are my options here? Also, is there a name for this, and that's why Googling has failed me?

This "intimacy," I fear it.

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:03:35 -0800

After a series of painful relationships, when did you know you were ready to date again? Alternately, how do you tell the difference between "not ready" and "making up excuses to not date due to being scared silly of the opposite sex" and "anxiety problems" ? Long, Non-Obligatory Background: Up until I was 24, my dating life was smooth sailing but co-dependant: I was a serial monogamist, never ever single, scared witless of not having a boyfriend. I had a couple tricky break-ups in college, but we all remained friends and I never treated anyone with less than the utmost respect, and vice versa.

Then I moved to a big city met "Adam," whom I dated for four months. We were ludicrously happy, he took me to meet his parents, told me he loved me, said he'd never been happier, and then cheated on me out of the blue. I forgave him once because he was blackout drunk and apologized so much I could barely get a word in edgewise. Then he cheated again weeks later. So we broke up. Then I met "Zed," who was brilliant, handsome, and, in his words, an emotional robot who couldn't really care about people. I was head over heels crazy for Zed (and probably somersaulting from a rebound, no less) even though he was clearly just interested in long conversations and sex once a week at the most. So I spent a good four months of sleeping with both guys, using Adam as a confidence buffer while ignoring his pleas to take him back, hoping Zed would finally realize he wanted to date me seriously. This messed me up A Lot, lead me to question my ethics and my taste in men, and my self-esteem hit bedrock. I felt like the two of them had drop-kicked my heart into a windy vortex and the worst part was that I let them.

Short story: I had a rough year. This lead to a near nervous breakdown after a few months of subjecting my emotional welfare to two pretty self-absorbed men, so I swore off dating for a year. My bedroom became a no-fly zone. I learned how to be single, focused on my friends and my career, and enjoyed the silence of coming home to an empty room. Except for the celibate part, I was really pleased with being single and valued my independence.

But it's been a year since I've met someone who caught my attention like Adam and Zed did, and no one seems remotely interesting to me. I've met objectively awesome people who ask me out on dates, but I freeze up and bail every single time. I could write pages on what I find wrong with them, and every little thing turns me off. The idea of sleeping with a new person squicks me out. In theory, I don't want a boyfriend, couldn't really fathom trusting someone else with any part of my happiness, loathe the notion of depending on anyone else, would opt to spend all my nights alone rather than suffer the emotional jeopardy of admitting someone new into my life. But I can't tell if this is okay or neurotic.

I've assumed this aversion to intimacy is part of the process of healing and learning (again) how to be single. But after blowing off lots of awesome guys who have asked me out for drinks because the idea of "just drinks" gives me the hives, I wonder if I'm writing myself a pass when I should soldier up. I know there's the adage of "being ready when you feel ready," but my fears are intensifying rather than lessening over time. So what is this? Should I respect my hibernation phase to its fullest extent, or should I suck it up and make myself go on dates with a guy who isn't manipulative Adam or bloodless Zed? And is my fear of sex and intimacy a sign of something worth shelling out money for therapy? I can barely afford my rent at the moment, so before everyone starts shouting "THERAPY," keep in mind I don't have an easy $100 lying around each week.

Wow, this is so long and self-involved. Thanks to anyone who read it in full, I'm practically going cross-eyed at the length.

How can a somewhat solitary guy meet a need for hugs and human contact?

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:25:53 -0800

How can a somewhat solitary guy meet a need for hugs and human contact? Hi. I'm a 30's guy. Like a lot people on here I'm sure, I think I have autistic or geeky tendencies. I like spending time alone working on my own projects, learning things and am not really attracted to social scenes. I spent my late teens and twenties trying to do clubbing and meeting people, and it's just not really me. I'm not particularly into any traditional geek pasttimes either.

Funnily enough, I can sometimes pass for normal particularly with women. I look alright and the girls seem to like me, and when i've tried the flirting game I've got a lot of interest.

Where's this going? Well I have intense physical longing for hugs and intimacy, but I don't have any female friends (I hug my male friends on the odd occasion, but it's not the same kind of emotional connection), but I don't necessarily want or click with any 'meeting people' scenes. Having this kind of underlying need can also be counterproductive, although I don't act needy.

I really feel the need for a close, huggy kind of friendship with a gal, but I'm just not on a lot of people's wavelength, and it feels wrong to develop close friendships when I might not want to keep spending time with someone.

This need has led me into some stupid and or dark places, paying for sex, sleeping with people I don't want to, or leading girls on to get attention from them.

It seems weird to try and address this as a need that needs to be met, as after all you want to hug a person that you like not just someone that happens to be there. However, I experience this need somewhat seperately from the need some people have to be social or meet new people, which makes it difficult.

So I hope you understand my rambling and I'm grateful for any suggestions for how to make myself feel better.

My email is browneyedhugmammal@gmail.com in case you need it.

To anticipate some possible answers, I have done lots of therapies and made a lot progress in myself, but I don't feel this can be 'cured' by therapy and also, I've seen the threads on 'how to meet people' etc, but feel my problem comes a bit before that stage.

Thanks.

How do you learn to choose others when you’ve always let others choose you?

elke — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:11:46 -0800

How do you learn to choose others when you’ve always let others choose you? It’s only just hit me that I spent my entire teens and twenties letting friends and lovers choose me -- while I chose to avoid potential friends and lovers whom I admired.

The only criterion for my friends and lovers has been that they’ve wanted me, nothing more, nothing less. If someone wants me, I want them. Even if I don't. I'm attracted to your personality = run. I'm not attracted to your personality = let's hang out.

What’s more, it astonishes me to realise that I gave trust without it being earned -- and continued to give trust when it was thrown back in my face. I don't like you but I'll give you everything I've got so that you like me. Yikes.

This is all rather painful to admit. Because the result is that I’ve allowed myself to be used by other people continuously, wondering why I can't "connect." I've spent two years in solitude because I couldn't bear to be used again. But it's taken me this long to see the light.

I’m in the process of sourcing a therapist. But in the mean time, I’d love to hear similar stories or receive tips on how I can learn to choose others. It’s something, I’m startled to say, I have never, ever done.

NSFW: How do I feel comfortable with new partners?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 09:35:00 -0800

NSFW: Extreme nervousness or anxiety makes it very difficult to become intimate with new partners please help! Please bear with me as this will be kind of long.

I am a 24 year old, single male who has mostly been in long term relationships for most of my life. After some introspection I believe that one of the reasons why I stay in long term relationships is because I am afraid or nervous to go out there and start dating because I find it difficult to form physical connections with new people though I am a very sexual person myself once I am comfortable enough.

This is the problem in more detail: When I first meet someone I am often good at the dating part, meeting them talking to them, making out and everything else but when things go into the bedroom even if (to put it mildly) I am extremely excited as soon as I reach for a condom and try to put it in.. I lose my erection....This happens I believe with 7 out of 10 new partners.....with some people I just seem to "click" and never have had any issues.

More information about my sexual history:

I lost my virginity with my first girlfriend when I was 17 but only after numerous attempts (it took us about a month of trying). Once we started having sex however it would be the norm to do it several times in one session. When i broke up with her there was a period of about a year where I was single and i had sex with six people....3 of those people I had the same issue it would take me a long time to feel comfortable while I must say that with the other 3 I more or less felt comfortable right from the get-go.

After that I went into another long term relationship for which it also took me a couple of months to become comfortable sexually but once I became comfortable I became my regular horny self and would have sex all the time.

I did not grow up in a very conservative household so I know this doesnt come from my parents. Sex was talked about very openly in our house and was encouraged from an early age (believe it or not) as long as we protected ourselves (yet both me and my brother waited at least till we were 17 to do it).

I however was very spiritual for most of my life and explored a myriad of christian religions from catholic, to Jehova's witness, to mormom, to 7th day adventist at least for 2 or 3 years each. I figured this might be one of the reasons why I behave like this but it has been 7 years since I was seriously religious and my brain is completely comfortable with my current relationship with God (pretty much a prayer here in there but no church involvement of any kind)

How does this affect me?

I feel that sometime I date people for longer than I should because I really dont feel that I have really gotten to know someone until we become physical...however if this takes 2 or 3 months I feel that for some people is too long to wait and in some occasions some people dont understand or dont think I am attracted to them (though many woman kinda like the fact that I am not just with them to get some "ass")...I also always fantasize about having the freedom of one day coming home with someone after a really good first or second date but at the current time I am unable.........

I tried consulting a psychologist who after seeing that there was nothing physically wrong with me prescribed viagra.....which I noticed does not work...unless I am comfortable with the person which brings me back to square one

I just go out of my second long term relationship and back out in the dating world and would like to make the best of it this time around...Do you guys have any advice? Any of you have had similar issues?

How to deal with someone so direct?

InterestedInKnowing — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:49:05 -0800

How do I deal with someone so verbal about his needs? I would like to know how to deal better with a person who is very verbal with his needs. My boyfriend is so communicative with his needs that he goes a bit beyond, I feel, and reminds me when he is not happy with the intimacy. Like, every month to 3 months he will say something if he feels there have been two weeks of blah effort. Lately it's been every week he has something to say even though most of the week we have a good time, I think, at least the vibe I get from him. He knows I have depression and OCD but granted I don't want to use it as an excuse to not put more effort but I do want to know how to deal with a person who will spell out bluntly what he wants and how he feels. Note: He does have consideration and always asks me what I feel but he will try or suggest what I can do to help. I don't know. It seems like his requests for more love is demanding and not in a rude way but in the way that if the vibe doesn't flow for a week, or if I am not excited to have sex more than twice a week, he feels unloved and then has to say something about it. I am having a hard time dealing with someone who insist on being so verbal consistently. Is there anything I can say to make him relax?

How to get boyfriend to be more emotionally intimate?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:11:35 -0800

How can I get my boyfriend to be more emotionally intimate with me without prying or being annoying? He goes out of his way physically and financially just to make me happy. He puts up with me when I am super stressed. I like to think that I do the same for him. But when it comes down to our personal lives, he can be distant and a bit socially awkward about some personal topics. It is not like he even had a bad childhood, or has any reason to hate the world. He is a happy, intelligent person with a lot of opinions on objective stuff. We have been dating for months and I thought we were at the point where we could be more emotionally intimate. It matters to me because it is reassuring, and because it is one way of knowing if this person is really worth spending a good amount of my life with. I love spending time with him, but this issue has been a burden on me and I feel like I can not do much about it.

Does fear of intimacy require therapy?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:45:08 -0800

Is it possible to overcome a fear of intimacy without therapy? My best friend and I recently slept together. We've been friends for 10 years and he has always had feelings for me, but I never felt them in return until now. He's been there for me through everything and we have an amazingly open relationship.

I've dealt with my own intimacy issues for years and I feel I am finally in a place where I can have a healthy loving relationship. I've always felt that he would be the right guy for me, but I've now learned that he has an intense fear of intimacy. He is freaking out at the prospect of us being together right now. It's as if a switch was flipped and our roles have reversed.

He still loves me, but is incapable of having a relationship, it seems with anyone. We are both in our late 20's and I don't want to get to the point in our lives where it is too late. I'm more experienced than he is, he's really only dated a few girls. My question is, do you think it is possible for someone to overcome these types of fears without therapy and simply through personal experience? Do you think him dating other people and learning how to deal with his issue with them, not me, will help ready him for me?

Is it worth it to date someone under these circumstances?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:19:11 -0800

Is it worth it to date someone under these (non-exclusive) circumstances? I am not very familiar with the concept of dating several people at one time.

I've started seeing someone with whom I had an immediate and undeniable connection. In fact, when we first met he was saying a lot of things about the future and even mentioned "marriage" several times (although in a joking manner). My initial impression of him is that he wanted a relationship that would be emotionally intimate.

When we first met I learned that he had just ended a serious relationship. Well, his ex recently visited from out of town and he told me that they slept together. I'm not really mad about this, as he was totally honest with me about it and had been clear all along that ours was not an exclusive relationship. The thing that bothers me is that I know that he was very happy her and that the only reason they aren't together is that she moved across the country. However, he said they had "tried to work things out but it's not going to happen."

He told me that he really likes me...in fact, that he's "crazy" about me but that he simply isn't ready for an exclusive/serious relationship since his last relationship ended so recently. I do believe that he is an honest, (not a "player" or a "liar") but my fear is that I'm being too naive to read between the lines and that perhaps he is saying that I'm "not the one" for him. Also, he's a bit younger than me (mid 20s) and I wonder if this contributes to his desire to avoid getting serious too quickly and that maybe he's just going to be in party mode for a while.

I think we could be very well suited for each other, but I'm not sure I like the "terms" of the relationship (i.e. "not serious until further notice."). However, I haven't known him that long (only a little over a month) and I know that a lot of people date longer than that before they agree to be exclusive. Also, I am allowed to date other people if I wish (but I would rather be exclusive with him).

I am a sensitive person. Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I date him under these circumstances? I don't mind going with the flow, but only if it seems like there might be a possibility that this could turn into something more serious.

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

Help me talk to my wife

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:09:46 -0800

Conversation starters needed for married couple's date night. The wife is a bit introverted and needs some prodding to get a conversation started... if it doesn't include career, kids or family. After 10+ years of marriage, kids and career, we need to spice things up and get to know each other again. I am looking for intimate, scruples-type questions we can ask each other to get us talking about our sex life...and life in general. An hour of Googling has not been particularly helpful.

Herpes schmerpes

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:57:26 -0800

Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl tells boy she has genital herpes (type 1). Boy says that's OK, I want to be with you. Now boy wants advice on safety. She tells me that she has roughly 1 outbreak per year, usually fairly mild. She also tells me that she has never, to her knowledge, passed it on to a partner, and she has been in long term relationships where they were having unprotected sex.

I know that, obviously, wear condoms. I also know that condoms are not 100%. But what about other acts: digital penetration, oral sex, analingus? I've had cold sores before (last one was maybe 4 years ago, before that it had been at least 3-4 years) so I assume I have orally the same type she has genitally and that dental dams are probably unnecessary (can I be tested for oral herpes in the absence of symptoms?). I just want to make sure that it doesn't spread to any weird parts of my body or hers. Advice?

Just Say "No" to Merging

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 14:13:09 -0800

I'm freshly sprung on a new cutie. How do I take it slow? I have a tendency to get married, have babies, and obtain a shared email address with someone about 15 minutes after I fall in love with them, and also, the tendency to fall in love about 15 minutes after I meet someone special.

I just met someone special, and I want to Take it Slow this time. Like, super-duper-duper slow. If this kind of issue is a problem for you (as it is for me), how do you hold yourself back? And what, for you, are some sane guidelines of how long is wise to wait for various relationship milestones (like sleepovers, meeting family members, getting a joint checking account, etc.)

Note that in this particular case, I had a very, very casual online friendship with her for several years before we met. "Friendship" is probably too strong a word actually. We had real life friends in common though and we live in the same town, and recently we spontaneously hooked up. She seems like she likes me.

It hurts when you hit a wall

tdreyer1 — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 20:31:37 -0800

My wife is very 'vanilla' when it comes to intimacy. Okay. First: Background. We are newly-weds of about 6 months. We were each others' first & only partners, but we dove into our sex life and have been having a lot of fun. We have 'regular' sex often, but I like to try new things, so I have been working on my oral routine on her, and have been having a lot of success. The only problem, is when I ask my wife to go down on me, she gets... shy. I think that's the best way to say it. She is not 'shy' when it comes to regular sex, but the moment I mention oral, she gets tense, and no amount of conversation will even convince her to go near me. She also has problems describing/explaining her thoughts and emotions, so I can't get the reason out of her. The closest I've come to getting the reason is that she's (deathly) afraid that she won't be able to breathe while she is doing it, but it seems that this is not the only reason.

I would like any advice you can give me on how to proceed with this situation. I would like to explore this area, but I seem to have hit a wall. I am very open, and able to express my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but my wife does not have the same ability, and that has gotten in the way of our conversations on this topic. Please help!

p.s. to my knowledge, she has not been abused in any way, and I really have no reason to think so.

In search for flow while making out

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 13:24:31 -0800

How can I remove the awkwardness from initiating physical intimacy? Me and my girlfriend just moved to the same town and are planning to get married in couple of months. We live in the same complex but different apartments. Before this, we had a long distance relationship where we saw each other maybe once in 3 months.

We love each other deeply. Our makeout sessions involve everything except intercourse and it is really intense. However, we have been very awkward with initiating the sessions. I don't know when to initiate, and whether it will be a good idea or not.

What can I do to make things flow more naturally?

Clumsy Clara is Killing My Sex Drive

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:55:14 -0800

For the past few years, physical intimacy with my wife creeps me out. I think I've figured out why. Now what? (long post follows, sorry!) Background: We've been married 5 years. It's been great except for physical intimacy (anything beyond holding hands and hugging).

We've known each other since high school, but only dated about a year before we got married. The physical stuff was great (No problems making out, plenty of great sex, etc.) until about 2 years into our marriage. . Then the weirdness set in.

For reasons unknown (besides the usual "honeymoon's over" thing-- no kids, big life changes, extra stressors, etc.), we turned a corner in our physical relationship. Suddenly sex dropped off sharply (once or twice a year, no exaggeration), and she seemed to lose all interest in kissing and foreplay. For the record, I am not an intercourse-only type guy-- kissing and foreplay are their own rewards for me, and I am fine with engaging in them with no expectation of sex.

Through couples counseling, we came to attribute her diminished interest to two main things: she was on a heavy dose of Zoloft (bingo!) and she was raised in a highly stressful environment (constant screaming fights between her parents, a physically abusive brother) where physical affection was almost non-existent.

We're following the shrink's advice (which includes switching to a new medication) about her piece of this puzzle, but through my own soul-searching and being extra attentive to my own feelings, I have come to a troubling realization: I think I am sabotaging her efforts with a hangup of my own.

About the same time she began to "cool down" sexually, I realized (somewhat unconsciously at first) that she has a quirk that I find to be a big turnoff. Although she is a very beautiful woman, she's somewhat awkward, bordering on clumsy.

No, wait--she is clumsy. If there's a liquid-filled glass near her, she will knock it over about 50% of the time. She's constantly bumping into or tripping over things. She even hurts me from time to time with her clumsiness (knocking me in the head with her elbow as she sits down, dropping heavy stuff on my foot, breaking dishes for me to step on). She dances like a robot with a stick up its ass (and no, not because she's trying to do The Robot). When she walks around our house, it's like she's trying to pound holes into the floor with her heels. If it's hot, she will burn herself with it. Her driving is a series of lurches-- either punching the gas or the brake, jerky turns of the wheel, etc. She's also killed a couple of the few close moments we've had by burping into my mouth, coughing in my face, or falling out of bed while shifting positions.

Nothing (that we can determine) is physically wrong with her that would account for her clumsiness. She's just not very graceful or coordinated, and this translates as unsexy at times. A close moment now has me on guard for the clumsy move that's going to ruin it. In fact, it's to the point where kissing her hello or goodbye makes my skin crawl.

I feel really guilty feeling this way. She has a lot more to deal with than I do psychologically, and I feel really petty picking up on something like this. I love this woman to death, and when she's not moving she's a real turn-on physically. But Jesus, if there's a way to do something clumsily, she'll find it. We've acknowledged her lack of physical grace jokingly-- I'm not a dick to her about it or anything-- but my big fear is that she ever works through her own issues regarding our intimacy, I'll be stuck with my own hangup in this department.

I'm no Mikhail Baryshnikov myself, and I don't pretend that my sexual appeal leaves her breathless with desire. But I'd like to think I'm basically the same guy she married (who, I'm assuming, she was attracted to). Realizing how her clumsiness bothers me, though, has me terrified that we're stuck in a gridlock with her (very understandable) issues and mine (not so understandable for me) keeping everything awkward.

I know this sounds like a common marital thing-- you pick up on your mate's idiosyncrasies and they proceed to drive you nuts. But if there's a way to either reduce her clumsiness or mitigate how much it bugs me, it would be one less thing we have to worry about in getting our intimacy back on track. I'd feel really mean bringing this up-- she can't help it, after all-- but I will, preferably in a counseling environment, if it will help.

Any insights into my situation?

Bar, bar Black Sheep

strawberryviagra — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 03:26:06 -0800

Help me itemise the necessities for opening a small bar. Let's not concern ourselves with the licensing aspects - I'm interested in logistics - what are the things I need to open a simple, small (<5>Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth. Henry Chinaski

Naked things to do without sex?

The_Partridge_Family — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 10:16:52 -0800

What naked games or exercises can I play with my partner that are intimate, loving and/ or fun but don't necessarily involve sex? I don't really want our sex life to be just about sex (as it is at the moment) - I want to learn about my partner and deepen that aspect of our relationship. I know people play with blindfolds and feathers and sitting naked opposite each other, but I think it'd be easier for me (and my partner) if these things were wrapped up in a game or activity.

What's your favorites? Or maybe you don't know of any, but you can share some that you've heard friends talk of...?

How to bring the intimacy back?

Danila — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 08:24:18 -0800

asking for a friend: How can I get my husband to start touching me again? A couple has been married for 27 years. He is 51 and she is 47. They haven't had sex in at least six or seven years. The wife has tried to approach her husband for intimacy but he shows no interest. All he'll do is hold hands and rarely give her a peck on the lips.

She has bipolar disorder, and throughout the 90s she was in and out of mental hospitals, and when she was home she was often "out of it". For the last few years she has been on medication that has improved her situation dramatically. She is an active, involved woman again. But one of the reasons her husband gives for the lack of sex is that for so many years, there was nothing from her end. He was more caretaker than lover.

He is NOT having an affair. In my opinion, he does suffer from low-grade depression and stress. It's been a stressful situation for so long, and it's hard to break old habits. Every day he works long hours at a stressful job, comes home and watches tv for a bit, eats dinner and falls asleep.

Another reason he has given is that it was physically painful for her to have sex before. She has a terrible history of violent sexual abuse perpetrated by both family and acquaintances. She has post traumatic stress because of this.

More than missing the sex, she misses intimacy. Cuddling, hugging, passionate kisses, that sort of thing. They've gone on "date nights" but she says they're like an "old married couple". Any advice on how to bring the intimacy back?

What's the difference between strong friendship and romantic love?

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 10:03:24 -0800

What's the difference between strong friendship and romantic love? When I have strong feelings for people, I have a very difficult time determining whether I am interested in them as a romantic partner or not. I feel drawn to spending as much time with them as possible, I think about them a lot, their happiness is extremely important to me and their emotions have a strong impact on mine, I want to us to be extremely important in eachothers' lives, I hope to have them in my life permanently. This feeling of being drawn to the person happens both in the context of crushes on new acquaintances as well as with long-standing friends (and with both men and women)-- obviously in a more substantial way with friends.

Becoming a romantic couple with these people seems appealing to me because I like the idea of having a beloved partner at my side and promising to center our lives around eachother-- but for me, this desire does not seem qualitatively different from the feelings towards other good friends, only quantitatively, a matter of degree and intensity. In other words, I would want to marry my best friend because they're my best friend.

I think part of the challenge for me is that, while I wouldn't say I'm completely asexual, I am definitely towards that end of the spectrum. I don't really feel sexual attraction or pull towards anyone. The idea of holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc with people I am emotionally attracted to is very appealing, but more because of intimacy than lust. I am sexually active with partners, but mostly because that's important to them and I want them to be happy. (I'm female and in my mid-20s, by the way.)

As a result, I find myself with a lot of confusion. The kind of love I feel for my boyfriend of 2 years does not seem very different from the way I feel towards a couple of my other very dear friends-- I ask myself, am I romantically drawn to all of them? None of them? Is there a different kind of love feeling out that will feel very different but I won't know until I find it?

So what I'm asking you is, other than the sexual aspect, is there a difference between intense, intimate friendships and romantic relationships? If so, how would you describe it?

Not 'in the mood'

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 10:58:28 -0800

I'm never 'in the mood' at the same time as my boyfriend and it's taken a serious toll on our intimate relationship. What can I/we do to get me in the mood? To help our sex life? I'm a woman in my mid-twenties. My boyfriend (late twenties) and I have been together for almost three years, have lived together for two years. We are in the US.

I love sex. I believe it's important to a relationship. I understand that sex in a relationship changes after being together for a long time, but it has gone from almost every night to maybe once a week. We could go three weeks to a month without it sometimes. I am 100% positive that he's not cheating on me and I am not cheating on him.

These are the factors I see that contribute to the problem:
* Our work/sleep schedules are opposite - I go to bed without him because he's at work and he goes to bed about three hours before I get up. When he comes home from work and I'm asleep, he's sad because it's the middle of the night and he's got no one to spend time with. I try to wait up for him, but I have an 8-5 job and often get less sleep than I should.
* He tries to wake me up, but I'm just too tired!
* I've gained 40lbs in the past year and a half. I don't feel quite as sexy anymore and am less comfortable being naked.
* I don't want him to touch my nipples. It used to feel good, now it feels strange. My boobs are big, so he likes to touch them and I can't stand it. I'm self conscious about them and him touching them just calls attntion to them and makes me uncomfortable. It also makes me feel like he's only attracted to me because of them. I have told him this, but it makes him feel rejected and sad. I don't want him sad, so I let it slide. Which doesn't help the issue.
* Alcochol. Although one drink is a good way to relax a bit, being drunk to the point that he falls asleep while I'm going down on him is bad. He thinks this is mildly amusing. I think it's a relief sometimes and offensive at others.
* Snuggling is frustrating for him now. Because we have sex so little anymore, we can't snuggle in bed or on the couch without him wanting sex right away. I want to snuggle for a long time to get me in the mood, without feeling him get hard or having him try and grope me.

I feel like it's my fault because I'm the one saying no most of the time. I only seem to find myself in the mood when there is no time - like when we're leaving the house to meet friends for dinner or when I'm getting ready for work. Or when there's no way for us to be together - like in the afternoon when we're both at work. He and I have tried to talk about the issue, I know he's frustrated, which makes me upset because I want to see him happy. And it's me that's making him sad! I've always told myself that I'd never be the woman in the relationship that always says no, but here I am.

Porn is not an option - I have too many moral and jealousy issues with it. Sex toys have never interested me.

Please don't touch me there. Or there. Or there, there, there and... yes, not there either.

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 21:04:50 -0800

Why don't I like to be touched on certain parts of my body? I'm a 38 year old male, and for as long as I can remember, there are places on my body I don't like to be touched. Some of them make sense, given certain events in my past, but most of them not so much. To explain... When I was 11 years old I was molested on two separate occasions by an adult male. I dealt with this on my own, and thankfully the adult in question had the grace to pass away from a heart attack about 6 months after these events, so I don't have much lingering guilt that keeping quiet about it meant that many other boys ended up also being molested. The whole thing is a long, sad story; but these are the salient details for what comes below.

My experiences at age 11 didn't seem to interfere in my ability to grow into a sexually active and responsive adult. I don't fear or avoid physical and emotional intimacy. I seem to be, in other words, an averagely functional adult; whatever that might mean.

There is, however, one thing about me that I'm curious about - something that might (and I stress the word 'might') have something to do with what happened to me when I was 11. Then again, it might not.

There are places on my body I don't like to be touched.

Most notable of these, in terms of sexual intimacy, are my testicles. I don't like having them touched, by anyone. Not my partner, not me, not health professionals the very few times I've had to be examined 'down there'. The sensation is unpleasant, almost painful, even at the lightest touch, and it means that I have to have a long conversation with every new partner about 'please don't touch me there'. The last time I had to have my testicles examined, in response to an unexplained groin pain, I had to be sedated for it to happen, because I had an intense emotional reaction to the thought of anyone touching them. My current partner, in particular, finds this limiting, and this feels like a long-term-enough relationship to take her concerns seriously.

However, there are other places on my body that cause a similar unpleasant sensation. These being: nose, solar plexus, shoulder blades, the backs of my heels, just below the ankles. All my life any form of cuddling etc has been something of a dance of rearranging my partner's hands, legs, feet etc so that none of these 'trigger points' are being touched. Which is annoying for me, and must be utterly infuriating for them.

I don't know why, but I've always assumed these physical sensitivies arose from my experiences at 11. Perhaps because my sensitive testicles are what I have been most often asked about or challenged over by partners. It's probably the worst form of backyard psychotherapy, but it always made at least some sense that 'guy fondled / molested me at young age, don't like having testicles touched, ergo...' But this doesn't really explain the other places - at least, not to my untrained reasoning.

So. I'm curious. Do any other MeFites suffer from similar phobias / physical reactions to being touched in certain parts of their bodies? Do you know why? Have you been able to do anything about it? If so, what?

The obvious answer is to go talk about it with a therapist; and while I'm not beyond doing this, I have always had an aversion to laying these things bare, since emotionally I feel 'okay', aside from the discomfort associated with specific touching. Again, I care enough about my current partner to give this some serious thought, and I suspect this post is at least partly about getting used to the idea. Still, I'm genuinely curious about whether or not the molestation and the physical sensitivity might be related, or if they just happen to be coincidental experiences in my life.

What say you, hivemind?

books for men on emotional intimacy

nancoix — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 11:12:10 -0800

MeFi Men of the Hetero Kind: Have you found a useful book to help you improve your emotional intimacy and related communication skills? I'm looking for recommendations from guys who were told by their Significant Others that they don't get it about what women need, and now they do -- thanks to a book. There's so much dreck out there in Self-Help Land. I'm looking for that rare book that really made a difference in your relationship.