Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with intervention

A mental health/academic support quandary

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 20:30:25 -0800

I have some information which may be critical to my friend's future/safety, but I obtained it in a somewhat dubious way. I'd just like to hear your thoughts on the position I'm in. So my friend has major, chronic mental illness--major depression and probably Borderline Personality Disorder, among other things--and tends to self-destructive behavior, including one past suicide attempt and many threats. He's studying for a standardized grad school admission test, which is critical to his future (he has unique opportunities this year). He's studying using an online course, and is taking the test in just a week or two. He claims that he's reasonably far along in the materials, but that he hasn't touched any of the practice tests yet.

For various reasons (mostly past behavior and a shifty disposition on the topic), I had a very strong suspicion that he wasn't actually keeping up with his work. Anything that wrecks his chances of getting into grad school this year would be a suicide trigger for him--he's made that much clear--so I'm very concerned that on some level he's knowingly sabotaging this so that he has an alibi for desires he admittedly already contends with day-to-day.

So here's the sketchy part: I figured out the password to his online coursework, and found that indeed, he's done practically nothing, and last logged in over a month ago, but he did do the non-written parts of the initial practice test, and got something really low (around the 30th percentile). I don't necessarily take that score to mean much, because he may have just been blowing through the first test to get a feel for the difficulty level, but I am highly concerned by the fact that he doesn't seem to be studying. The only reason I sunk to this is that there's at least some small possibility that a life is at stake.

One monkey wrench is that a large portion of the study work for the course (I think a safe majority) is in the books, so it's conceivable that he's moving along OK in those and he's just lying for whatever reason about how much he's bothering with the online work. I can't think of much of a motivation for that, except that I know he wants me not to worry too much about him, so perhaps he's glossing over the details for my sake.

Eventually I will come clean with all this, but I think it's also dangerous to subject him to the stress of the revelation right now. In the future, when he's in a relative upswing in terms of mental health, I think he'll likely interpret it as a justified intervention; right now, of course, it'd probably feel like at least somewhat of a betrayal. Is there any subtler way I could try to steer this situation without blowing my cover? And, more than that, do you guys have any general thoughts about what to do from here that might be more coherent than my own?

I'm sure I'll get at least a few critical responses about what I've chosen to do so far. I myself am somewhat morally conflicted about it, but understand that there are more nuances to the background of this than I've included here, and I'm about 95% sure that my friend will ultimately be grateful that I did this.

Any private responses can go to askme.alter.oct09@gmail.com. Thanks so much in advance!

How can I get my sister help for her addiction/depression?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:15:07 -0800

My sister has an alcohol and/or prescription and/or depression problem. What can I do to help her, and in what order? Apologies for the long e-mail, but this is anonymous so I want to get as much of the story here as I can.

My sister was in town this weekend (from 250 miles away), and did some things that really alarmed us. She is a few years older than me, in her mid-30s, married with a boy and a girl who are 6 and 3. I see her a couple of times a year. My two girls are near in age and love to play with their cousins.

This weekend, my sister drank 2 bottles of wine each night by herself while everyone else (her husband, me, and my wife) had either soda pop or one beer each. She would get progressively more angry/aggressive (verbally) as the night went on, but was never in a rage. Just noticeably sharp-tongued and at the same time boasting about herself.

Then overnight last night things got really bad. Apparently, after everyone went to bed she woke up (or never went to sleep) and snuck downstairs. She either drank more (but we couldn't find anything she could have) or popped some pills (again, not sure what they were or could have been). She was up into the night posting incoherently on her blog and on Facebook. Then on her way back to our guestroom she fell on our stairs and bloodied up her face, and fell over into a door (this was at 5:30). When her family left this morning at 8:00, her husband had to literally pick her up off the floor, then support her as she stumbled down the stairs and out the door. He flopped her down into the car and they were gone.

Talking to my parents, this is at least the 3rd time something like this has happened recently. My sister appears to be in complete denial that there is any trouble, and for whatever reason I think her husband is not willing or able to address the issue proactively (or at least not initiate action himself).

My wife and I think she needs help, now. For herself, for her kids, for her husband, and for the rest of our family. Complicating factors are that she has been generally depressed for as long as I can remember, she has MS, and she is without a job (recently) and being chased by creditors (for a long time).

I don't know if we need an intervention or a direct talk with her. I don't know if we should talk to everyone and get them on board behind her back (which could infuriate her and set her off if someone tells her) or address her first (which could set her off into a denial/aggression cycle before all the pieces are in place to convince her to get help). I don't know whether insurance will pay for rehab. I don't know whether I can or should call her own therapist and express my concern/get his advice. I've never done this before but think that my family will look to me for leadership. I am concerned that she could hurt herself; she will surely be defensive/dismissive/angry when confronted. I love my sister and want to help her. She will not be happy that this is happening.

For those who have been through this: how did you do it? In what order? With the addict's knowledge or behind their back?

Thanks for any advice you can give. Throwaway e-mail is helpmehelpmysister@gmail.com

Help me help my bulimic friend

greenish — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 08:34:18 -0800

Were you ever bulimic? Can you pin down a key thought or statement which helped you? This weekend I have the opportunity to spend some time with a friend who I know is suffering badly with Bulimia at the moment.

I am going to try and talk to her about it, if she is open to it.

I don't want to give her any rehearsed schpiel, but can you give me any one question or sentence or idea which helped you, which i can bear in mind?

Thanks mefites.

How to recover from a relapse

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 14:37:36 -0800

As an addict, have you dealt with a hidden relapse? I was sober for a year until last February. I have been hiding my relapse well since then but I know it will fall apart. How can I best tell the people who love me that I have fallen off the wagon? How did you do it? There is nothing obvious right now other than brutal honesty.

Smells like teen spirit

Abbril — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:06:50 -0800

Has my camera been hitting the bong? My new camera (canon xsi) and my new camera bag suddenly have a skunky, pot-like smell. Thing is, no one in my house smokes pot. I bought them new about a month ago and they have been inside exclusively, except one afternoon out. Any ideas? Is my camera a junkie?

Adult babysitting in paradise? I'd rather not.

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 07:35:08 -0800

What can my mom do about a self-destructive friend of a friend in vacation-land? My parents moved about ten years ago and my mother found a wonderful best friend in her new town (all of them are in the same age range: mid fifties). Her friend, who we shall call Sarah, introduced her to a slightly (~10 years) older couple who we will call Ted and Liz. Sarah, her husband, Ted, Liz and my parents spent a lot of time together, but my mother has always been closest to Sarah.

About three years ago, Ted was diagnosed with a late-stage cancer; he died about a year ago. Both my mother and Sarah provided Liz with a great deal of support but Liz was facing more than just the loss of her husband; he was pretty much her entire support structure. He took care of all financial matters but left her in large amounts of debt despite having assets. That was fixed with outside help. She lost a portion of her assets in the recession, but she still can be considered “wealthy”. Ted kept their social calendar full with parties and travel so Liz is not adept at scheduling.

My parents have a winter home in a semi-remote tourist destination. They often have friends come and stay with them or in rentals nearby. Liz came down last winter with Sarah for one week and stayed an extra week with my parents in their house. This year, Liz rented an efficiency for two and a half months to escape the winter up north.

The problems began as soon as she arrived:

-She booked her flight three days before her rental started, so she stayed with my parents. My mom already had two friends down for the week who took the two bedrooms. Liz complained that she wasn't given back “her” bedroom, the one she stayed in last time. She then whined at length about how “poor” she was because of the recession to one of my mom's friends, who has always been in a rather low income bracket. That got my mom rather angry, but she did not confront Liz at the time.
-Liz is allegedly taking loads of medication (of unknown variety). Her doctor is apparently a prescription vending machine (or at least his PA is). She drinks alcohol excessively and sleeps at least 10 hours a day. She barely eats and is “skin and bones” according to my mother. She also shakes visibly in the morning.
-Liz often starts off on a non-sequitur, doesn't listen to what anyone else is saying, and is basically not able to hold her end of a conversation unless she is telling one of the few stories she relates repeatedly.
-Her reasoning is odd/non-functional. An example: my mom tried to get her into a local bridge game. The leader tried to call her, but her cell was off. When my mom asked about it, Liz said she didn't want to run out of batteries. My mother suggested she recharge her phone while she sleeps, to which Liz replied, “Oh, that's a good idea”.

In short, if you skipped all that, the woman is kind of crazy. She is depressed and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Now my mom, who is really not good at dealing with people in a sensitive manner, is stuck with this woman. Liz has only visited this area once, and has no friends other than my mom. My mom is really only barely friends with her in the first place. Their mutual friend, Sarah, is not retired and even if she had the time, I'm not sure she'd want to spend it babysitting Liz. My mother has a full schedule of friends visiting and social obligations. Even if my mom wanted to stage some kind of intervention (which she really is loathe to do), their remote location makes any kind of outside support (such as a psychiatrist) difficult to find.

My mom is an good person but really does not want to take Liz on as some kind of “project”. Liz doesn't have any children, I've never heard her speak of relatives and her only close friend I know of is Sarah.

Liz made the “adult” decision to come down to this remote location for ten weeks and did not ask my mom to be her entertainment. My mom is torn between her moral qualms about leaving Liz to her own devices and her desire to stay away from becoming Liz's only tether to the world. Before Ted died, he was basically Liz's full-time keeper.

What can my mother do, or not do, legally, ethically and morally? Any suggestions/opinions are welcome

Throwaway email for questions: friendofafriendtrouble@gmail.com

Non-Spontaneous Human Combustion: How Do We Stop It From Happening to Mom?

julthumbscrew — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:21:15 -0800

The short version: mom's morphed into a reclusive, depressive, heavily-medicated, quasi-narcoleptic shell of a woman. She's given up on life and herself. More disturbingly, she's burned holes in hundreds of household items (carpets, floors, computer keyboards) after falling asleep while smoking. It's a recipe for tragedy(s) - fires, skull fractures, etc. We want a better life for her (or hell, any life at all, given the fire hazards). What can we do? The longer, far-more-depressing version (you might want to grab a coffee and a bottle of Paxil prior to reading):

My mom's falling apart... physically, mentally, emotionally, existentially. Her disintegration's been progressing for years. We've never attempted an intervention because we didn't know where to start. There were complications on complications (Ball of Yarn, meet Can of Worms).

We can't ignore it any more. Her life's in danger. We have to do something. But what? In order to help describe the extent of the issues, I'm going to kick it case history style. I'll describe a typical Day in the Life of Mom. Then, I'll provide some back story to help elaborate the factors which contribute(d) to the current miserable state of affairs.

The Problem(s):

She wakes up at noon, groggy and in pain. Bad pain. Where? Everywhere. Between the fuzziness and physical aches, tiny tasks take ages. By 1:00, she's managed to put on a robe, make a pot of coffee, take a pain pill and smoke the first half-dozen victims of a four pack-a-day habit. She spends some time shuffling between her heating pad and the coffee pot... flipping channels on the TV... nodding off and augmenting the carpet's array of cigarette burns. On a good day, this lasts an hour. On a bad day, it never really ends. Even on the best days, she's near-catatonic until the trifecta of coffee, cigarettes and morphine has worked its magic.

If it's a bad day, she'll go back to bed. If it's a good day, she'll putter from task to task, only sporadically finishing any of 'em. She puts on a load of laundry... then the phone rings!... she finishes her phone call, goes back to the laundry room, realizes she needs fabric softener. But the dog needs to be let out!... she lets the dog out, decides to sit down and watch some TV... but she still needs fabric softener!... but her car keys are next to the sink, and it's full of dirty dishes!... but she can't wash them, of course, until the silverware drawer is organized... oh, shoot, the dog's barking... forgot to let her in!... she lets the dog in, stops by the refrigerator to get a snack... and that nice roast is going to expire! Need to cook it! But the stove's covered in dirty dishes, too! Better organize the cupboards.

It's an unrelenting ADDeath shuffle, fueled by copious quantities of coffee, cigarettes and morphine. Not to feel good, mind you... to suppress the myriad of inexplicable aches and pains which would otherwise debilitate her.

At 5 PM, my father gets home from work. She says she's exhausted, that she's "been running all day!". She didn't even have time to shower! My father - an engineer of the "gentle robot" type - doesn't particularly care that the house is a crap hole, that dinner hasn't been made, that the carpet's a mass of charred polyester. He does the chores she requests. He fetches take-out. He calls in sick when she's too pained to get out of bed. He's supportive in all the ways she requires... and none of the ways she really needs.

Robo-Dad goes to bed at nine on the dot. Mom's day has barely begun. She can't go to bed! The house is a wreck! No one else is going to clean it! So begins the nightly suburban stations of the cross. She shuffles from room to room, chipping away at chores, trying (and failing) to fight fatigue. Falling asleep sitting in chairs (with her head pitched forward at a sickening, painful angle). Falling asleep at the kitchen table. Falling asleep on the toilet, falling off, hurting herself. Falling asleep standing up. Dropping cigarettes and burning holes in every surface imaginable. Eating sweets. Watching five-minute segments of movies ten times in a row because she keeps nodding off. Growing increasingly foggy, confused and incoherent.

Sometime before dawn, the inevitable wins and she passes out for an hour or two... sometimes in bed, sometimes on the couch, often while slumped over in a chair. She rarely sleeps for more than two or three hours before waking. When she wakes, she cannot/will not go back to sleep without taking another whack at the whole "shuffle around house, burn holes in shit" routine (she claims that sleeping for more than four hours at a time "messes up" her back). After two or three shuffle-interrupted blocks of sleep... surprise! It's noon again... rinse, repeat.

It's no way to live. Yet she has been, for years. And now her daily hours of lucidity have begun to wane. We're sad and scared.

What We Want, Ideal-World Version:

- We want her to stop endangering her life and those of her family.
- We want to help her address the sleep issues which are so detrimental to her life.
- Ditto the depression issues.
- We want a better life for her than the one she's living. She deserves it.

The Background Info:

- Let's set a few things straight. She's a wonderful woman. She's damned intelligent, hilariously funny, incredibly supportive, one of the few genuinely moral people I've ever met. My entire concept of ethics and decency comes from her. Hell, the bulk of that which is good in me comes from her. Hence my desire to sift through this clusterfuck and help her.

- She's in her early 60s. She's suffered from clinical depression for over fifty years. It's ebbed and flowed. SSRIs currently keep it from spiraling out of control (though they don't make it much better). She's also had intractable feelings of worthlessness and failure - they've always been there, and always been incredibly painful and shameful. She was bright enough to have gone to medical school... instead, she became a secretary, then a homemaker. Wasn't encouraged by her parents.. wasn't encouraged by Robo-Dad... wasn't confident in herself. As such, she never achieved... well, much of anything, by outside standards. She's lived a good and decent life... but it's done nothing for her ego.

- My siblings and I are grown. Two of us have moved out. The youngest, Former Junkie Sister (now Suboxone Sistah), lives at home, works part-time, has little direction, spends a lot of time fighting with mom. Due to Former Junkie Sister's issues (as well as those of her other children), mom believes herself to have been a huge failure as a parent.

- Per my father, mom's always had issues with insomnia/resultant narcolepsy.

- For the past 15 years, she's experienced a series of inexplicable, increasingly-severe physical complaints. She's been pegged with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, you name it. Nothing's quite fit. Factitious? No. Psychosomatic? Quite possibly, at least in part. Her "treatment" has been limited to morphine sulfate, dispensed by a kindly but clueless local physician. The morphine suppresses enough pain for her to be mobile. Due to increasing tolerance, she's worked her way up to 8 to 12 60mg tablets per day (enough to euthanize a lesser mortal). Due to bad experiences with several specialists ("chronic nonspecific pain" = problematic patient), she's reluctant/unwilling to pursue other treatment options.

The physical ailments and their ensuing limitations were a nuisance... then a problem... then, once her kids were grown, the defining feature of her life. She has no real hobbies, few friends, no goals or ambitions. She doesn't feel she's worthy of these things. After all (in her mind), she's stupid, worthless and, above all, sick.

- Any suggestions regarding her problems are met with denial, incredulity and/or anger. Usually anger. "You kids have no idea what it's like"... "I have a pretty good life, most of the time"... "It seems like you're all turning on me"... etc.

- Aging has made her increasingly depressed/despondent about the course her life has taken. Hopelessness and helplessness are the themes of the day, "it's too late for me" a common refrain.

The Request: what do we do? We have no idea where to start. Psychiatrist? Life coach? Sleep clinic? Family doc? Any course of action has to be pursued very, very carefully; if she thinks we're betraying her, she'll be devastated. We want to help... not destroy.

Any suggestions, stories opinions and errata would be greatly appreciated. We're feeling clueless and desperate over here.

Financial crisis: Government intervention or free-market-pain?

chefscotticus — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:03:32 -0800

Current_financial _crisisFilter: Where can I read the single best arguments for government intervention to rescue the financial markets and economy, and the single best argument for zero/minimal government intervention in this current financial crisis? (Looking for links to articles, blog posts, etc -- not opinions -- from MeFites...)

The Cure of a Fear of Abandonment - Resources?

watercarrier — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:25:29 -0800

Abandonment - What is the Cure? I've been watching A&E Intervention recently and I've noticed that one common key element that runs through all addicts is the issue of abandonment. Someone, somewhere left them. Most if not all in early childhood. Who due to parents divorcing and who through other reasons causing disintegration of the family unit.

My question is this - has anyone ever been able to cure someone of the core issue of fear of abandonment where they were totally released from this hell? I've heard mention of Ibogaine as being a way through and out of the trauma, approaches in therapy where on nurtures ones inner child and still others where there is something called reparenting oneself. How successful are these approaches and are they even considered cures? And lastly, where would one find out all they can on the latest cutting-edge therapies in treating very early childhood trauma from a neuroscientific/psychological/spiritual vantage point?

Thanks so much.

I'm curious. C-U-R-I-O-U-S.

cosmic osmo — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:39:11 -0800

Why do they make the subjects of A&E's Intervention spell their name out loud? This has been bothering me for some time. Is there any reason that Intervention more often than not opens with an interview with the addict (or occasionally a family member) introducing themselves, and then spelling their name out loud.

Why do they make them do this?? I doubt it's for the documentary crew's benefit in spelling it correctly (even if it were, why wouldn't they edit it out?). It's obviously done on request (I don't know of anyone who spontaneously spells their name after introducing themselves), and occurs in almost every episode. Certainly there must be a reason.

How can I stop my brother's drug habits?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 15:02:41 -0800

How can I confront my brother on his (illegal) drug habits in a way that will make him actually change them; and not just hide his habits from me/lose his trust in me. I am 21 and my little brother is 17. My parents have been divorced since I was 16 and he was 12. I was little affected by it as it was all in all a good thing from my point of view (my parents fought every time they were in the same room as long as I can remember). After the divorce my brother moved in with our mom and I with our dad, but while I could drive and see whomever I wanted, he was confined to my mom's house and saw our very busy dad very very little.

Now that he is 17 and has grown up with practically no father figure in his life, he spends 90% of his time with his friends, and the rest of his time working out or at school. The problem is this- all of his friends and him are very habitual drug users, this includes coke, ecstasy, shrooms, acid, and of course lots and lots of alcohol. I know this because I used to do drugs on occasion (not anymore since seeing a lot of friends go down dark paths), and we used to talk about what we'd do. I was never habitual about any of it- I run a small business, go to school, get my work done, and have never been in trouble with any authority.

Last month he got a DUI after passing out at the wheel on the freeway and crashing into a sidewall at 3 AM (going 5 MPH with no passengers, but still far too stupid). He blew a .24, and he told me he was on ecstasy at the time as well. This means he will not have his license for a year at least, but he hasn't been to court yet so we're not sure about the final consequences. A week later he was arrested for being drunk underage at a rap concert. He has been looking for a job for forever but has not found one, does not seem to do anything productive with his time, and is still partying all the time with his friends.

My mom has no control over him, nor me, we never quite took her seriously because she yells about almost everything. My dad is good at keeping control but he is remarried and lives about an hour away and doesn't want to deal with my brother, I'm pretty sure he just wants him to turn 18 so he doesn't have to deal with him anymore. My brother is not an idiot, most of his friends are, but he just seems to have a twisted worldview when it comes to goals and authority. I know if I tell him to simply stop doing it I'll just become another authoritative enemy to him. so MeFi- how should I confront him?

Need help with critical family situation

snsranch — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:59:43 -0800

A family very close to me is having an incredible crisis. Because of my relationship with them, I have to participate and help if possible. It starts with a 40 marriage gone horribly awry. The Dad has been calling the police on the Mom because her "lover" has been shooting at him and trying to kill him. The problem with that is, the "lover" doesn't exist. The Mom was arrested when the Dad appeared to have been scratched. She is now essentially homeless and has no access to any funds. She's been totally cut off.

I've known these folks for many years, and it seems that maybe the Dad is suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's. He's a PhD and will have nothing to do with that notion. And I think Alzheimer's because there is confusion, distrust, delusion, fear, panic and deep depression.

I know that there is no way to intervene unless he hurts himself or someone else (physically).

So, does the Mom have any legal course of action to take?

Has anyone had any similar experiences?

This is pretty dire and there has been talk of suicide from both of them.

Sorry if this is convoluted, but I'm stressed and may not be thinking clearly. I would appreciate ANY advice.

CPS and/or Intervention. Need advice.

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:10:53 -0800

I think they just need to grow up, but do family members need an intervention and/or CPS called on them? My relatives are a messy and quite possibly insane bunch. It's not that they just forget to vacuum and dust once a month. Their house looks like it belongs in a slum. On top of that, they do not take care of themselves. And they have a 4 month old who I feel should not be in their care. I've been wanting to call CPS. Family members want to do an intervention, but without a professional running it. I feel they are enablers and want to take the easy route.

I saw the baby a few days ago. The child was wheezing like it had a cold. Ever since this poor kid has been home, it's had cold like symptoms.

I want the best for my relatives and their kid. I thought they needed to get their lives in order before they had a kid. Family enablers thought having a kid would do that. I feel a professional or a court appointed professional needs to help because my significant other and I have tried to our part on the emotional and physical levels.

Any suggestions from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

What are the legal ramifications for the crew members of A&E's Intervention?

nitsuj — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:33:41 -0800

What are the legal ramifications for the crew members (camerapeople, producers, etc.) of a show like Intervention when the "stars" do illegal things? A&E's awesome show Intervention is typically filled with footage of people taking drugs, driving under the influence, and doing other illegal things like prostitution. Can the people witnessing, filming, and/or being in the presence of these illegal acts be held liable for anything?

If a cop walks on in two guys with cameras filming someone shooting drugs into his arm, surely they're not just going to walk away because they're filming a popular TV show. How does the law work in this situation?

This question popped into my head as I was watching a recent episode where one of the addicts solicited a prostitute, told her the crew was paying, and then didn't have any money to pay. He could have been killed for it, and the pimp stole all his shit, right in front of the crew.

How to get a friend out of a cult

adamrice — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 08:07:54 -0800

I have a friend who has gotten involved in Avatar, and I want to disengage her from it. She first got involved about 9 months ago; at the time, I knew nothing about Avatar but was instantly suspicious. The more I've learned, the less I like it. She's taken at least three of their courses—these courses are, naturally, very expensive, and she doesn't have a lot of money to throw around. She's actually put what had been her primary source of income on the back-burner and begun teaching these Avatar classes, if I understand correctly.

I don't have direct contact with the rest of her social circle, though I could probably find ways to reach them. Her friendship is important to me, so I don't want to just give up on her. I'm not sure how to broach this with her in a way that will express the gravity of my misgivings without alienating her, or (more importantly) pry her loose. I'm pretty sure she intuits my misgivings, so she'll tell me "I'll be out of town for an Avatar course," but will say very little more than that about it to me.

How do I tell my wife she's fat?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 11:42:10 -0800

How do I tell my wife she's fat? We've been married for ten years and I still think my wife is pretty dang hot. I do not look at her and feel anything but desire. As far as my sex drive is concerned, she looks just fine.

But I'm concerned about her health. She's gained 10-15 pounds per year since we've been married and this last year, it was 25 (she had a baby during the year, which of course contributed, but 25 pounds is 25 pounds). She's just over 200 lbs right now.

I think for health reasons she should worry more about her weight. Because I don't want to encourage any body-issues, I never, ever, ever make negative comments about her weight. There's enough lousy psychological programming in the world that I really don't want to contribute. But she's now technically obese, and her risk of all sorts of medical problems is much, much higher.

I've tried to set an example. I now wear a pedometer all the time and we have a little competition to see who will improve the most, but that hasn't motivated her to move around more. We bought a treadmill, which she doesn't use.

I feel like it's time that I said something. Something kind, loving, and hopefully, non-hurtful. I would prefer to have it be something casual and non-confrontational, but I'm at a loss. Short of an intervention, what can I do?

Help this tenant evict a bum house-mate.

The Confessor — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 14:09:39 -0800

For the past ~3-4 years, I've been a caretaker for a seventy-seven-year-old (hellishly irritable) diabetic and his invalid wife. Despite some friction when I first arrived, I've grown to love them - especially the old man - almost as much as if they were my own parents. I first met **** ****** two years ago, and my dislike for him was instant. He had an odd manner, talked loudly and incessantly, and tended to monopolize any conversation in which he partook.

Shortly after, he mentioned to me (much to my frustration) that his wife was in the process of divorcing him, and he might be moving into an outlying shed on my landlord's property "until he could get another apartment."

Two years later, **** still occupies the shed. He's used my landlord's property illegally as a dump and a lot for unregistered cars that he intends to fix and sell, leading to an ongoing dispute with the local health department. He's been in jail multiple times for vehicle-related infractions (such as switching license plates) and failure to pay child support. Sometimes my landlord will bail him out; other times, he'll use the threat of imminent jailtime to convince my landlord to partially cover his child support obligations.

I believe my landlord genuinely cares for ****, and perhaps even harbors an illogical belief that his association with this ne'er-do-well may yet become profitable.

My landlord's friends and family seem unwilling to do anything substantive - perhaps (though I hate to think it of them) out of fear that they will subsequently be disinherited. Since I have little more than affection invested in the old man, I'd like to extricate him from this situation. If I can be assured of a favorable outcome, I wouldn't mind sacrificing my residence here in the effort.

**** is currently in jail again for license plate-switching. He's recently been afflicted with a medical condition that I hope will make intervention on my part unnecessary. Assuming otherwise, what are some steps I can take to make sure he *stays* gone?

How do I help a delusional/pathologically lying friend?

cilantro — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 10:26:18 -0800

Should we confront a good friend who is either completely delusional or a pathological liar? In my circle of friends, there's one guy, we'll call him Will, who is CONSTANTLY making up completely insane stories. He'll tell anyone who asks or doesn't ask that he's a freelance illustrator/cartoonist who has had work published in everything from Playboy to Fangoria. He doesn't keep the magazines he's been published in because he doesn't want his "commercial" work to influence his "artistic" work- an animated series that he's shopping around to HBO, the Sci-Fi network, and The Cartoon Network. He's constantly talking about flying to New York to "take meetings". When I pointed out that The Cartoon Network is headquartered in Atlanta, he told me that the head of programming flies to meet him in New York. He had a fiancee in New York when he lived there a few years back (a young Japanese woman who loved comics, of course) who either died in a car wreck or 9-11, the story changes pretty often. No one believes any of this, obviously, but my friends and I love him anyway and have overlooked this insanity for a while. The problem now is that the lies are getting much more frequent and more disturbing. What started as delusions of success and fame and tragic love have turned into "my (made-up) animation partner committed suicide two days ago" and "my mom has cancer" and that kind of thing. I guess my question really isn't DO we confront him, but HOW? In a group? Get one person to do it? Does anyone have experience with a situation like this? He's a really emotional, sensitive guy and I guess the biggest fear is that he'll flip out and try to hurt himself. What's the best way to keep that from happening? (I know his mom, his only family, and while she doesn't appear to have cancer, she IS crazy as crap and will be no help at all in this situation)

Helping a friend with bipolar disorder

occhiblu — Wed, 30 Mar 2005 14:10:39 -0800

I think my ex-boyfriend may be bipolar. He refuses to admit that, or seek help. His mother and I are both worried, and both want to help, but we don't know what to do. Does anyone have any experience convincing someone to seek help? We recently broke up, and his behavior was so surreal and out-of-character that I can't help but think he's not psychological healthy -- he yelled at me for being upset about my mother's death, for example, saying that "other people have problems, too" (she just died a week ago; we're not talking some should-be-over-it-by-now drama); he twisted every innocuous thing I had done recently into some sort of symbol of how much I hated him, etc. He's also been totally consumed by online poker lately, staying up till 4am and then getting back up at 8am to play more (thankfully, he hasn't lost much money at it -- that I know of). He's said he feels worthless, that he fucks everything up, that everyone's against him (including his mother, who was simply trying to get him to get some therapy, which she offered to pay for -- and now he's refusing to even speak to her). He's quit his job, has no income, and now that I've moved out, has nowhere to live. He's not really doing anything to fix any of this.

Given how he's treated me, I'm wary of even talking to him again. I have been emailing with his mother, though, because I felt like someone should at least know how he's been behaving so that maybe they could help.

She's considering some sort of intervention when she comes to town in a few weeks. Do any of you know if something like this would help? He's refused therapy recently because he says "it implies he's broken" and, like I said, he thinks everyone's against him -- I'm worried any sort of group intervention would just intesify that.

How do you convince someone that they need help? Especially when the person in question has already decided that you're the enemy? I'm really wary of further isolating him.

Friend with Drug Addiction?

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Nov 2004 15:50:08 -0800

I think one of my close friends has developed a serious drug addiction. They used to be an active, hard-working, happy person, but in the last couple of months they are reluctant to socialize, ended all outside commitments, are barely sleeping, have seriously neglected their hygiene, and I just found out they have stolen thousands of dollars from their work, at which they are well paid, in the last month. I thought it was 'just' depression, but the money seems to point to something worse and there is a history of casually using hard drugs. They don't seem to want help, so will it do any good if I try? Does anyone have any experience with interventions, or is that just something people do on television?