Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with intervention

Friend B likes friend A's girlfriend. What to do (if anything)?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 08:09:34 -0800

I am a man. I have a good male friend, call him friend A. He has a girlfriend. He is head over heels. They live together and seem very happy. I have another male friend, friend B. He is single, and prone to quite dramatic behavior. While friend A was away from NY on business, I threw a party where friend B met the girl. They got on very well, and he later admitted he'd developed a big crush on her (unreciprocated, to my knowledge). Friend B now seems intent on hanging out with her as much as he can, especially when friend A is out of town. She goes along with it, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about his feelings. I don't entirely trust his intentions, and he's crushing on her pretty hard (I am reliably informed by a mutual friend, who has tried to express disapproval to him without much success). Friend B has not met friend A.

I appreciate that they are all grown adults (late 20s), and capable of making their own good or bad choices. But is there anything I should say or do about friend B's feelings and actions? Should I tell him to back off? Should I tell the girl that he has a crush on her? Or should I leave well alone and let things play out as they will? I am very fond of friend A (more than I am of friend B, to be honest), and would be mortified if a friend of mine messed things up for him. I can kind of see the car wreck happening in slow motion, but maybe I'm being overly protective.

How to stage a Privilege Intervention

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 08:08:15 -0800

I have a friend who has a long history of saying hurtful things based on stereotypes to his friends. I want to gather his friends and stage an intervention. How to go about this? I believe that he genuinely means well, but he is an straight upper-class cis white male who has a long history of saying hurtful things to people around him based on stereotypes. He doesn't seem to realize it's unfair and hurtful to judge people by stereotypes about their cultures. For example, he 'jokingly' harassed an asian friend of ours for months, asking if she wanted rice or kon pao chicken for dinner, made fun of her for not speaking "her native tongue" (she was born and raised in America), and made fun of her asian name. They got into a massive fight about it, and the behavior with her about that specific issue seems to have stopped, but the general behavior is still very much present.

He prides himself on his "knowledge" of different cultures and his behavior is very much tied into his worldview that stereotypes accurately portray minorities. He once met a Korean couple and proceeded to tell me all about them, who they were as people, where they were from, their culture, etc. I happened to meet those people and it turned out they were Filipino, not Korean, and he had entirely made up their history and life story based on stereotypes of Koreans without ever talking to them about it.

His issues are not limited to race, and extend to gender, socioeconomic class, gender and sexual minorities, etc. Basically, if a culture has sterotypes about it, he'll apply those stereotypes to anyone he meets in that culture. I care for him very much and he has many other redeeming qualities, but this issue is ruining our friendship. Our friend group is otherwise socially progressive and aware of privilege issues. All of our friends have tried talking to him about privilege individually to no effect.

As a last ditch effort, I want to get all of his friends together and stage a "privilege intervention", where we talk about his stereotyping of people and how things he's said have hurt us as people and how it's affected our relationship. Everything I'm finding on the internet relates to addiction interventions, and I'm hoping to get some better resources or ideas on how to go about this. Thanks!

E-mail: privilegeintervention@gmail.com

Has anyone done an intervention on a friend?

Unred — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 08:51:51 -0800

And if so, please tell me how you did it? What the situation was? And what kind of resources did you use?

How can I help a friend not make a huge mistake and give away all her inheritance to a cult?

chrillsicka — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 08:50:45 -0800

Best friend brainwashed to join a cult overseas. She’s coming back for two weeks. How can I help her not make a huge mistake and give away all her inheritance? [Asking for a friend]

I am reaching out for some alternate insight. My best friend from childhood left the country a year ago. We have always been spiritually close and are like sisters. She has always come to me for insight and advice and she has always been a kind listener when I needed it. She has also always been somewhat of a lost soul and was never able to find peace with herself here… Unlike some people who suffer and deal, or suffer and try to fic their environment, she left, it was too much for her. She’s always been a wondering soul.

While she was away, she opened up a very spiritual side of herself and, in the few times I spoke to her (skype) and in a letter she sent me, she seemed to be finding her own path to enlightenment and some solid inner ground. Being this open, you can imagine she was in a quite vulnerable place when a few months ago she met a boy (who she also has fallen for) who brought her into a community which, I can only imagine, promised her the « family life and acceptance » she had always longed for. Unfortunately, it turns out the group she has been made a part of is a cult. A big cult. They take travellers in search of inner guidance and offer comfort and acceptance… and also believe that the world is coming to an end. They are asking her to cut all bonds with her family back home and to give them all of her inheritance to help them start a sustainable community for when the world comes to an end (which, for a sane person, makes no sense at all anyway. She is a very smart and intuitive girl, so they must have done some significant damage to her psyche for her to believe this).

She contacted her mom, because she wants to fly back home to unblock her inheritance… but also because she’s not sure that she’s making the right choice. However, she’s been brainwashed. I can only imagine that, despite her doubts, she’s in deep and if she admits to knowing this is a huge mistake … she will feel very humiliated. Also, the cult has probably warned her and convinced her that anything her family and friends say to change her mind are mind games and not in her best interest. So we’re basically going to have to be very tactful about this. Her mom wants us to pretend like everything is normal and that we don’t know, but I don’t think that would be doing her a favor because she’s coming back to feel stability and to have her friends and family pretend and act will fuck with her radar once more.

I know there is a strong light inside her. And I know that I can reach her if I refrain from asking too many questions about whether or not she thinks it’s the right choice. Normally, when you ask a friend questions, you are playing the devils advocate and perhaps proposing new ways to see things… but this is obviously a sensitive case and could pushing her over the edge could mean loosing her forever… asking questions here would be like I’m just trying to get her to figure out « the right thing to do » insinuation that I know better. I think that the only thing I can do, is let her come to me and talk about how she’s feeling. I don’t want to tell her what to feel or how to think because that’s what has been happening for three months and she needs to let her instincts make the decision. I have a feeling she will snap out of it. But I am still worried I might loose her forever.

I was thinking I would try the « mild » approach for a week. I will suggest she stays with me at my place with my roommate (in the neighborhood she grew up in) if she likes… As I have a feeling that staying with her mother, who might be quite emotional, might push her over the edge. Her mom will most likely be trying to tell her what to do and control her because she’s so afraid to loose her (which is quite understandable).

I think that if I am quiet, and accepting, and nonjudgmental and listen to her, and let her speak from the heart… or say what she likes… I might have a chance to bring her back. If she is completely closed down like a clam, and is absolutely unreachable though, I’m thinking an intervention with a trained professional will be in order. Or perhaps finding a way to prevent her from leaving the country again. Also, it was brought to my attention that if she goes back and gives them her money, which is a huge sum, at that point it will be like an investment, and no matter how shitty she might feel about it after, she will most likely stay and commit to what she has put all her money towards.

Any ideas ? Suggestions ? Strategies ?

So peacekeeping...has that ever actually worked?

sarahkeebs — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 07:22:56 -0800

Assuming that some sort of UN/NATO/developed world interference can and will be undertaken, and without arguing over the propriety of doing so: Looking for examples of and sources on successful humanitarian interventions or peacekeeping operations. Not necessarily the whole operation, either, even one element that's been particularly successful (or where there's consensus on how or why something went terribly wrong). I'm Canadian, and we're always given the example of the early peacekeeping operations like Cyprus as shining examples of the best of the peacekeeping/intervention tradition. There have also been more operational examples which I've heard of briefly, such as the female soldiers in Iraq/Afghanistan that they eventually brought in to stop traumatizing the locals when they had to do house-to-house searches, and the effectiveness of US troops from tribal cultures (Samoa I think) who were better able to interact with the locals because of small but fundamental cultural similarities that let them interact with the locals without subtly disrespecting them.
In terms of epic failures, they often seem to be a balance of force issue: doing too little and letting the criminal regime win and slaughter our local allies, or going overboard and carpet bombing civilian targets, thereby alienating our local allies because we've killed their families.
I am not interested in conquerors, pacification efforts, or empire building, unless they had the distinct effect of improving the lives of the target population which actually needed improvement ("your lives must be better now because you're part of the X Empire!" doesn't count, but maybe "your lives are better now because you're not all slaughtering each other!" does). This will probably limit me to the 20th century, but I'd love to hear about older examples if any exist.
I'm interested in sources including biographies and autobiographies, but if there's a topic or item that fits I'm happy to dig up sources myself.

How do I help my daughter and deal with her friends?

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 22:09:48 -0800

How do I help my college-aged daughter? I think she drinks too much and her friends are a contributing factor. My 20-year old daughter is studying in a modest-sized town that has a reputation for drunken behavior. She has told us several times that there's nothing else to do on the weekend but attend parties and drink.

She has a steady boyfriend who lives nearby. He's an amiable yet aimless kid, and he's definitely a bad influence on her, all things considered.

Recently, some of his (and her) drunken antics came to our attention via Facebook and I'm disappointed that my precious daughter hasn't chosen better friends.

I am paying her tuition, room, and board. She has a car and a phone. Life's pretty easy for her, all things considered.

My wife and I don't drink (at all) and we don't really know what to do.

We believe that her statement that there's nothing to do but drink is a clear call for help, and that it is time for us to intervene. We're not sure how far we should go, however.

Options range from:

1. Do nothing and see her become an alcoholic. Addictive behavior runs in my family as well as in my wife's so this is a real fear of ours.

2. Tell the boyfriend to take a hike, with an optional one-way prepaid ticket to a remote part of the world.

3. Force her to move back home so that we can monitor and guide her behavior.

4. Allow her to return to school, with strict (yet hard to enforce) prohibitions on her behavior.

5. Tell her that I will no longer pay for school if this behavior persists.

Thoughts?

What Would Metafilter Do?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:06:06 -0800

I think that a new(ish) friend of mine might be involved with a pseudo-cult. Should I express my concern or just bite my tongue? I have concerns that a new friend and coworker of mine might be being taken advantage of by a cult-like group. The group's leaders claim to be able to consciously channel some sort of "spiritual teacher" that specializes in "the transmutation of denial and the shadow side of self" (whatever that means). My friend has been told that some of his anxiety/confidence issues are a result of his being abandoned in a past life, which the group leaders were able to tell him about in detail. He believes them. I have only known this person for six months or so. We met at work, but it turns out that we have mutual friends outside of work, and so we have been hanging out quite a bit in group settings. We went on a proper date last week, which is when I found out about these beliefs. After taking a couple of days to process everything, I told him that I thought that our spiritual beliefs were too incompatible for a romantic relationship to work. He was understanding and we are going to remain friends. I am concerned about his well-being, but I'm not sure if it is appropriate to express my concerns with him. Is it? If so, what might I say? The logical part of me thinks that I should just let it be, that it isn't my place to intervene. The emotional part of me feels that I ought to speak up. I care about him a lot and don't want him to get hurt. I do not feel comfortable discussing the matter with our mutual friends because I want to respect his privacy. Other possibly relevant details: he's in his 30s, was once an atheist, and is very intelligent. I think he's been involved with the group for a couple of years now. I am not an atheist, and am generally accepting of/open-minded to alternative beliefs, but this situation is sending up some major red flags.

Looking for a drug addict support organization besides NA

stedman15 — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 12:39:26 -0800

Please suggest support groups for recovering drug addicts besides Narcotics Anonymous (NA). A friend of mine is a recovering meth addict. She's been clean for the past few years and has been doing really well in getting her life together. She's almost done with college and has plans to go to grad school. She recently broke up with her boyfriend, and I don't think she's taken any time to process the breakup.

She's now hanging out with a guy who is known as the king of recreational drug use on campus. She has told me that they have used marijuana, cocaine, mushrooms, and K2 together.

She quit the meth of her own accord, so she says. She refuses to go to NA meetings because she says it's too guilt based and she doesn't do well with that. I want her to get help from some group or organization.

Are there any groups out there besides NA who might help this girl get her sobriety back and stay clean?

geeezus please do your job!

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 07:23:40 -0800

How do I address my manager about the obvious not work related tasks she doing all day? All of us see it and it's completely disrespectful and frustrating. We all pull our weight, with the exception of her. Please help us find a positive way to talk to her without her feeling attacked. I would really like to avoid tears.

I would also like to add, that she considers us to be her friends. She doesn't have any outside of work and often times treats the workplace as a social gathering.

We work in a bakery and instead of her actually baking, she'll take 2 hours to make herself and her husband lunch. Other tasks include testing recipes for private classes she teaches?! Just yesterday she made mayo for the following day's sandwich? I couldn't believe the outright disregard of her assigned duties. At the end of her shift my co-worker and I noticed all her duties of that day which wasn't much was then shift onto tomorrows list. Lastly I would like to add that if this was a random occurrence I wouldn't mind the slack, but this is an everyday occurrence and it's just not cool, especially because we do way more and get paid less!!!!!

My Nigerian brother-in-law can't hack it in Germany. How do I help him?

rhombus — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 15:48:38 -0800

I live in Germany, and my German girlfriend's brother-in-law is originally from Nigeria. He is having trouble integrating. He's lived in the country (on and off) for 10 years, but continues to struggle with the language. To make matters worse, cultural differences are getting in the way of him establishing himself. What can I do to help him? I am asking you to suspend your typical judgement here until you have read through my story and given it some thought. There is no "holy shit" thought you could have that I haven't. What I am looking for is a solution, or even a hint at a solution. There is a child in the mix here: I would like to give her a fighting chance at a life, and I would like to help a troubled human being find his way.

Let's take our subject. Call him "Dumaka."

Dumaka recently turned thirty. He is Nigerian, quite dark-skinned. He has been married to my girlfriend's sister for about four years, and has a nearly two-year-old daughter. That's our kid.

Dumaka's wife, let's call her "Elke", is an ethnic German, born and raised in Germany.

Dumaka is, for the most part, unemployed. His ability to get long-term employment has been, until now, hampered by his lack of long-term resident status. He currently has a short-term, part-time gig in a tire warehouse, which will be until December. He expects to get his long-term resident status by January.

Unemployed or not, Dumaka is rarely at home. I am sometimes at their house to visit; he is almost never there. When he is there, he avoids contact with other family members. What contact he does have is perfunctory, functional, and very brief. If he spends any appreciable length of time there, it is in front of the television.

The relationship between Dumaka and Elke is strained, by Dumaka's repeated absence, by his unemployment, his aloofness and not least by his tendency to mumble. He is difficult to understand in *any* language -- though I cannot speak his tribal language, both his English and German require great effort of the listener, and this difficulty in comprehension comes not simply from a use of "ebonics", but from the way he carries himself, talks through a closed mouth, and avoids direct eye-contact with the speaker.

I should add that he is not what I would call a small man -- he is slightly taller than I am, and I'm about 1.77 m. Not huge, but not the sort of person you'd expect to be averting his eyes in conversation. One gets the impression, when speaking with him, that he is struggling internally with the question of where he fits into a hierarchy with you. Sometimes he'll look at you, but his face will be tilted slightly upward, in a way that suggests, "I respect you, but I am trying to hold my own here", a deep pride, and which betrays his insecurity.

Pride is going to prove important here, I think. In fact, I think misplaced pride is a major factor getting in the way of him improving his life.

The family is only able to survive because Elke has a full-time job, and because they are getting financial support from Elke's father. And this is not good. She is trying to raise their daughter, which is especially difficult when Dumaka is hardly ever there. She's a single mother in everything but name.

So -- first problem: employment. Apart from the work permit situation, and apart from a latent racism in German society (you'd better believe it, it's there), Dumaka has had difficulty keeping jobs, either because he clashed with employers (who he says were racist and treated him poorly, something I, knowing German society as I do, am inclined to believe) and lost his temper (there's the pride thing again) or because language difficulties got in the way of him doing his job.

We need to fix the language problem, right? To do that, he needs to take some language courses. He's already managed to get his vocational school diploma ("Hauptschulabschluss" -- the lowest diploma on the ladder), but the language remains an issue and he needs to take additional language courses. Those cost money, but he doesn't have any money, because he's unemployed. Elke's father (who is a good-hearted man) offers to pay for the language courses for him, but Dumaka won't take the money without strings, and promises to pay the money back. The courses cost more than Dumaka makes (when he is working) in two months.

But Dumaka is proud, and on the hierarchy ladder, his wife's father is waaay above his wife, so what happens? Not having the money, but determined to save face, he pressures Elke into giving him the money to pay her father back for the first language course, which puts the family in a financial tight-spot. That's the end of the most recent attempt at improving language skill, and we're back where we started.

Strangely enough, the "respect" he grants his father-in-law seems very rote, very procedural. He's confessed that, in truth, he doesn't like the man. And yet, in his presence, he can be almost comically deferential. Dumaka left Nigeria at 20 due to friction with his father. My father left Germany at the same age for the same reason, but that was after having tried to reason with him. In Dumaka's case, I sense that he left in order to avoid having to confront his father.

At this point I should mention that Dumaka and Elke live in an apartment that is in a house owned by her father, and have not had to pay rent.

Dumaka dresses in what I call "gangster garb" -- baggy sportswear you might expect to see on teenagers in East Baltimore, and this is emblematic. He looks and behaves younger than a man his age.

Thus we have two main problems, which combine to create a human train wreck: we have a society which does not welcome visible minorities, and we have a member of a visible minority who lacks the self-confidence, maturity and chutzpah necessary to get beyond the obstacles society puts in his path. This makes it very hard for the people who care about him to help him.

For all that, I don't think he's a dummy. But I think the constellation of an unfortunate upbringing, the particulars of his tribal culture, and being in Germany are enough to make many of the people around him think that. And though I hate to say this, he sure seems to be working hard to reinforce the stereotype of the African man: he is absent so often that I think he would have left already if it weren't for the fact that he is completely dependent on his wife and father-in-law to survive.

Okay. Now you know the story. Here is what I need help with:

How do I tell him, "Dude, you mumble! You can do better than that, and you need to fix this."? (When he makes an effort, he is capable of speaking clearly.)

I want to talk to him, in English, since he knows it better. I want to tell him, among other things, that he needs to do something about the mumbling and about his language skills in general. That he needs to get over his pride and grow up, accept complete responsibility for his daughter, for his family, for his life and his choices. He needs to swallow his pride to do the things he has to do to improve his situation, and if he can do that, he will have something he can really be proud of.

My original thought, which was "why did these two get married and have a child in the first place" does nothing to fix the situation. I am not interested in proving that I am right and he is a fuck-up. I am interested in motivating him so that something actually changes for the better. I am interested in really connecting with him. And I have to admit, I know so little about his culture (meaning, nothing) that I am not confident I can communicate with him. I wonder whether this upbringing he had was an anomaly, or whether it's typical of where he comes from. Elke has said that he often yells at their daughter, and that she has observed this oscillation between apparent apathy and yelling and corporal punishment in the other Nigerian families she knows. On one occasion he even left her unattended to go get something at the grocery store. To me, it sounds like this is typical of a certain socioeconomic status, and has little to do with culture -- but I am starting to doubt myself.

I want to properly communicate with him, because honestly, I don't think anybody has really tried so far -- and I can understand that, because he is difficult to understand, and Germans are a classically impatient lot. And I want to give him some hope, a sense that things can be better if only he can find it in himself to change these ingrained behaviours.

What do I say to him so that I reach him, shake him up, encourage him, without making him close up or become defensive? How do I get past this stubbornness, this almost pathological pride? Is there some insight into Nigerian culture that might help me here? African MFers or MFers with African friends or family: Does any of this sound familiar?

Am I Crazy?

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 11:33:02 -0800

A close friend gave me what amounts to a psychiatric intervention. How seriously should I take this and how should it impact our friendship? In the course of a mundane conversation with a very close friend, we had a minor dispute/misunderstanding. I took it a little bit personally and was not as generous or polite as I could have been.

When I called the friend back the next day to apologize, said friend told me that he could not continue our friendship unless I agreed to go into therapy. Among other extremely unsettling accusations, "My other friends are concerned and have recommended that I not associate with you anymore" being the most concerning to me*. Words like "toxic" and "unstable" were used.

He refused to give any examples of problematic behaviors, acting out, or red flags that had especially concerned him, and kept it purely in general terms. He wouldn't tell me which of his friends were so concerned about my sanity level, either. The whole experience felt extremely bullying to me, and hearkened back to junior high emotional abuse. Which, to an extent, is affecting my ability to read the situation.

Now, there are some caveats here. This is a friend who I trust enough to be extremely open with about my emotions. I recently broke down in front of him and admitted that I'm really unhappy and feel lost and out of control in my life. This did not come out of nowhere, and he was already aware of most of what I told him. He was supportive and gave absolutely no impression that he thought this might be some sort of red flag. He also did not mention this at all in the course of his intervention.

I have, in fact, been considering therapy lately, and his insistence did inspire me to move forward with that. Not so much because I thought, "Omigod, you're right, I'm mentally unstable!" but because I don't want to lose his friendship and it was already on the table. Going into therapy is not a huge deal for me. It was more the accusatory tone and bullying tactics.

I've asked a few other friends whether they've been getting any "crazy" vibes from me lately, or whether they're concerned about my mental stability at all. This one friend is the ONLY friend who is concerned about this. Granted, I'm more open with him about my unhappiness than I am with other people. But usually, even when someone isn't confiding in you, you can tell if they're a little bit not OK.

The whole encounter really tempts me not to trust this guy anymore. I'm also not entirely unconcerned about his mental health, and wondering if he's maybe projecting? What should I do? Should I assume he is acting in good faith and is totally 100% right? Should I stop confiding in him? Confront him in some way and try to hash this out? Cut him out of my life? For now I've left it as, "OK, I'll look into therapy." Which is true, though it has nothing to do with his little stunt.

Throwaway Email: possiblyinsane123 at gmail dot com

* Especially since we have few friends in common, and the friends of his who also know me don't know me well enough to make an honest psychiatric evaluation.

exposing a rehab scam

Jimmy Havok — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 20:26:33 -0800

My friend's family is being scammed by interventionists. On the one hand, he's a drunk. On the other hand, they are using bait and switch tactics to drain his family dry trying to "cure" him. I think they need to be exposed. My friend is a very serious alcoholic, and has been in and out of rehab a couple of times. His father and sister contacted a high-profile intervention group in an attempt to help him, but the upshot of it is they have been getting scammed ever since. For a start, he agreed to a 90-day course of treatment, which his father paid for, $16K. At the end of 30 days, they told him that was all that had been paid for, and that he needed more treatment. His father ponied up more money so he could stay. Halfway through the third month, his counselor told him they had done as much as they could for him, and that he should go home. When he packed up and left, they immediately called his family and told them he was escaping, that he'd broken the contract, that he needed another 90 days of treatment. They then provided him with a traveling companion ($10K) for a trip home. He's free of them now, but his family is still giving them money to "help" him. He's getting some help from another friend, a former attorney who works as a rehab counselor himself.

I can't find any kind of expose on the group, but I think that well-meaning people who want to help family members need to be protected from this kind of exploitation. Can anyone suggest methods beyond just blogging my friend's story?

How to help someone who is showing signs of psychosis?

operaposthuma — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:44:25 -0800

My best friend appears to be sliding into psychosis. Who and how should I approach in order to help him out? I know IANAD and YANAD - but I need less info on diagnosis and more info/personal experiences/stories about reaching out to someone who has a undiagnosed mental illness in order to help them. In order to help you guys get a real grasp of my friend's situation, I'm gonna give you some background history, and then a record of some of the very disturbing encounters I've had with him recently. Then I'll finally get around to elaborating on my question of how to handle this situation - who to talk to, what to say, how to approach, all that. I would really appreciate it if anyone who has personal stories or experiences with this sort of situation would share with me, as I'm totally at a loss as to how to proceed.

- Also, I know very similar questions have been asked in the past, but I'm looking for something other than the normal "get him to a doctor" response. I want more than anything to get him there - it's how that I'm confused about.

Background info: The person in question, let's call him S. I have been best friends with S since the third grade, so we have been extremely close and known each other extremely well for a long time. S. currently lives about an hour's drive from me, where he attends a different university. However, we see each other almost every week, and a whole lot more during breaks. We're both in our early 20s and male.

About a year and a half ago, S. got heavy into LSD. At first it was every weekend, and then he started using it during the school week, even going to class while tripping. This lasted for about a semester, before his source dried up and LSD had lost its novelty. I know he also has taken a lot of mushrooms, as well as some more exotic stuff like DMT, MDMA. During this same time period, his very serious relationship with his long-term girlfriend (one of his first partners) dissolved after she decided to go for his roommate instead. This messed him up a whole lot in the head, but it seemed after awhile as if he got over it. It's only now that I'm realizing maybe the shock and trauma didn't dissipate so easily.

I mention all this because it was about 6 months after this intense period of drug use that he started to change - a lot.

Symptoms/Signs of Illness

First example: One night it was I, S., my girlfriend and S's roommate, hanging out. We were just sitting around, sipping beers and listening to new music. I noticed that S. was very, very withdrawn and couldn't be coaxed to start any sort of conversation, and had to basically be forced to say anything about anything. This is when I started to worry, and this is when things got progressively more disturbing. We continued to chat about music for the rest of the night (we being my girlfriend, S's roommate and I) and shyed away from trying too hard to incorporate S into the discussion. However, after awhile, S began to become more and more agitated, and would burst into our conversations with remarks like "Why do you guys always have to talk about me in front of my face?" & "Why do you keep insulting and criticizing me, when I'm right here?" etc. I.e. He was interpreting everything we said, which was merely mundane music trivia, as attacks, affronts and comments about him. We told him each time "We're not talking about you at all, we're talking about [this musical act]" but he would just looked confused, suspicious and then finally would say "Oh....ok."

This type of thing has happened occasionally since, but not with the intensity of that first time (i.e. he'll interpret one or two comments or conversations this way, but won't keep insisting on it the whole night after we explain to him what we're actually talking about.)

I went to visit him last weekend, and upon arriving he seemed pretty OK. However, as the night wore on, and we sat around talking (he really didn't feel like leaving his house, even though no one else was home and there was nothing to do, and we were supposed to be meeting people downtown), things started to get weird again. Finally, he told me "I want to tell you something." He went on to explain that when he'd been walking around downtown recently, he had started to notice strange connections between everyone and everything around him. For instance, he would hear one person talking on their cellphone on his side of the street, and then would immediately notice how a person across the street, also on their cellphone, would start talking about what the first person had been speaking about.

He said everyone he met was subtly influencing each other, and that he was the only one who could notice this. Even stranger, he said that he could tell in such small and subtle things such as a change in someone's posture, or small movements of their hands, heads, or the direction they were walking in, that the person in question had heard all of the other people's conversations and was acting in response to these conversations.

Example: A person who heard another person, further down the street talking on their cellphone, would shift their feet as a sign that they were in on the conversation, and this shift itself was a message or a sign that could be interpreted. Sometimes these messages were directed to the voice on the phone, other times, to S. himself. S. said he had experienced this a lot recently, and that it was a new phenomenon.

Even more chilling than all of this (which was so disturbing I had goosebumps for half an hour afterwards) was S's face and demeanor as he told me all this. Completely cold, inexpressive, flat. This flat affect isn't restricted to when he is telling of his strange experiences, however - ever since he started to change, S. has had an increasingly flat affect speaking or doing anything. I've seen maybe one or two smiles in as many months. And while he's always been just a little quiet, in this time period he has stopped initiating conversations completely, and will only reply when absolutely necessary or when he has been continually goaded by those around him to answer.

His performance in school has also drastically gotten worse. In school together, we were two of the brightest kids in our school. And while earlier in college, he was bored with the material and smoking a moderately unhealthy amount of marijuana, he still managed to do very well, even in courses he had no interest in. However, recently, he has completely given up on attending class or doing any coursework, and as a result has failed quite a few courses and this has caused his graduation to be pushed back an entire semester.

To summarize:
1) S definitely shows signs of having ideas of reference - both when he has conversations with friends (when he thinks they are covertly attacking him) and when he is out in world (when he sees all human activity around him as holding some secret, significant meaning, and all of these activities seem to be interconnected and influencing each other)
2) He also definitely has a blunted/flat affect & poverty of speech
3) I believe it is very possible that the voices he claims to hear when walking down the street (especially when the owner of that voice is supposed to be a voice on a cellphone across or a block or two down the street from him) are audio hallucinations, but it's hard to be sure. Problem is, if he has been hearing voices, I believe that he would probably try to hide that from me.
4) He has become increasingly socially withdrawn and isolated, and his school and work lives have suffered as a result, not to mention his friendships.

All of this leads me to conclude (although IANAD) that there is a good chance he is developing symptoms of schizophrenia. Considering the amount of LSD he used prior to this period, and the emotional turmoil he was going through at the time, I think this might have contributed to bringing what was previously a latent condition to the surface.

So finally, to elaborate on my question: How should I handle this situation? I love S. dearly, he has always been my best friend, and he's an amazing person and an amazing musician. Watching him slowly fall into a very deep hole is killing me, and on an even more basic level, I really miss having a connection with him. He's just not there anymore really, most of the time.

My problem is that I think confronting him, or even politely and suavely suggesting that he see someone, would bring about a very violent rejection. Considering how he is already paranoid in conversations about completely innocent topics, I can't imagine my telling him that I'm afraid he has a mental illness would turn out too well. I just don't know who else to go to - his parents? I'm just afraid to make the wrong move because I really want him to get help and I don't want to make him shut me out.

He is capable of acting semi-normally for periods of time (although if you knew him before this period you could immediately tell something is off) so I'm afraid of broaching the subject, because although I've seen enough to totally convince me that he's at serious risk, I think it's possible that he could mask his symptoms and hide what's going on for a couple more months at least. Which would be pretty bad regardless, but I also know that he has continued to use mushrooms and excessive amounts of marijuana, and I'm afraid those things, if he continues to use them regularly, will only make his condition deteriorate more.

So what should I do? Try to talk to him about it, despite the high chance that he'll disregard all I'm saying and possibly cut the ties between us? Try to talk to his parents, despite the fact that he probably acts relatively normal around them (or so I imagine), and then risk the chance of him denying everything to them and then, once again, cutting me off? Or try to meet with him with several more of our friends, because I'm only one of many who have noticed the changes he has undergone recently? None of the above? Something else? Nothing at all?

I care about this guy a lot so I want to help him the best way I can, I've just never had an experience like this, and don't know how to handle it. I have lots of experience with mental illness (personal experience and otherwise) but this is the first time (and hopefully the only time) I've had to basically watch a friend slowly drown in his illness without knowing what to do to save him.

Los Angeles area rehab centers that accept Medicare

Anonymous — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 20:08:16 -0800

I'm looking for reputable alcohol rehab programs in the Los Angeles area that accept Medicare, for someone who may need to a program as long as 60 or 90 days. This would be for a 60 year old, lifelong alcoholic who has been living with her ailing 90 year old mother for over a decade. She's had long periods of "sobriety" in the past, but always been resistant to AA, and even when dry has used other drugs, either marijuana or depressants.
The reason for the long term need is because she knows how to work the system and talk the talk - there's a fear that she'll put up a good front after 30 days that she's recovered, but will quickly return to the bottle.
Besides being beligerant and occasionally violent to other family members when drunk, more recently she's attempted to adminster or alter meds for her 90 year old mother.
We're talking with interventionists now, and the family is planning to give her an ultimatum of treatment or she's out of the house, but the priority now is finding a rehab center that Medicare could cover for up to 90 days within 1 or 2 hours of Los Angeles.
Any specific suggestions, especially from those in the know, would be appreciated.

A mental health/academic support quandary

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 20:30:25 -0800

I have some information which may be critical to my friend's future/safety, but I obtained it in a somewhat dubious way. I'd just like to hear your thoughts on the position I'm in. So my friend has major, chronic mental illness--major depression and probably Borderline Personality Disorder, among other things--and tends to self-destructive behavior, including one past suicide attempt and many threats. He's studying for a standardized grad school admission test, which is critical to his future (he has unique opportunities this year). He's studying using an online course, and is taking the test in just a week or two. He claims that he's reasonably far along in the materials, but that he hasn't touched any of the practice tests yet.

For various reasons (mostly past behavior and a shifty disposition on the topic), I had a very strong suspicion that he wasn't actually keeping up with his work. Anything that wrecks his chances of getting into grad school this year would be a suicide trigger for him--he's made that much clear--so I'm very concerned that on some level he's knowingly sabotaging this so that he has an alibi for desires he admittedly already contends with day-to-day.

So here's the sketchy part: I figured out the password to his online coursework, and found that indeed, he's done practically nothing, and last logged in over a month ago, but he did do the non-written parts of the initial practice test, and got something really low (around the 30th percentile). I don't necessarily take that score to mean much, because he may have just been blowing through the first test to get a feel for the difficulty level, but I am highly concerned by the fact that he doesn't seem to be studying. The only reason I sunk to this is that there's at least some small possibility that a life is at stake.

One monkey wrench is that a large portion of the study work for the course (I think a safe majority) is in the books, so it's conceivable that he's moving along OK in those and he's just lying for whatever reason about how much he's bothering with the online work. I can't think of much of a motivation for that, except that I know he wants me not to worry too much about him, so perhaps he's glossing over the details for my sake.

Eventually I will come clean with all this, but I think it's also dangerous to subject him to the stress of the revelation right now. In the future, when he's in a relative upswing in terms of mental health, I think he'll likely interpret it as a justified intervention; right now, of course, it'd probably feel like at least somewhat of a betrayal. Is there any subtler way I could try to steer this situation without blowing my cover? And, more than that, do you guys have any general thoughts about what to do from here that might be more coherent than my own?

I'm sure I'll get at least a few critical responses about what I've chosen to do so far. I myself am somewhat morally conflicted about it, but understand that there are more nuances to the background of this than I've included here, and I'm about 95% sure that my friend will ultimately be grateful that I did this.

Any private responses can go to askme.alter.oct09@gmail.com. Thanks so much in advance!

How can I get my sister help for her addiction/depression?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:15:07 -0800

My sister has an alcohol and/or prescription and/or depression problem. What can I do to help her, and in what order? Apologies for the long e-mail, but this is anonymous so I want to get as much of the story here as I can.

My sister was in town this weekend (from 250 miles away), and did some things that really alarmed us. She is a few years older than me, in her mid-30s, married with a boy and a girl who are 6 and 3. I see her a couple of times a year. My two girls are near in age and love to play with their cousins.

This weekend, my sister drank 2 bottles of wine each night by herself while everyone else (her husband, me, and my wife) had either soda pop or one beer each. She would get progressively more angry/aggressive (verbally) as the night went on, but was never in a rage. Just noticeably sharp-tongued and at the same time boasting about herself.

Then overnight last night things got really bad. Apparently, after everyone went to bed she woke up (or never went to sleep) and snuck downstairs. She either drank more (but we couldn't find anything she could have) or popped some pills (again, not sure what they were or could have been). She was up into the night posting incoherently on her blog and on Facebook. Then on her way back to our guestroom she fell on our stairs and bloodied up her face, and fell over into a door (this was at 5:30). When her family left this morning at 8:00, her husband had to literally pick her up off the floor, then support her as she stumbled down the stairs and out the door. He flopped her down into the car and they were gone.

Talking to my parents, this is at least the 3rd time something like this has happened recently. My sister appears to be in complete denial that there is any trouble, and for whatever reason I think her husband is not willing or able to address the issue proactively (or at least not initiate action himself).

My wife and I think she needs help, now. For herself, for her kids, for her husband, and for the rest of our family. Complicating factors are that she has been generally depressed for as long as I can remember, she has MS, and she is without a job (recently) and being chased by creditors (for a long time).

I don't know if we need an intervention or a direct talk with her. I don't know if we should talk to everyone and get them on board behind her back (which could infuriate her and set her off if someone tells her) or address her first (which could set her off into a denial/aggression cycle before all the pieces are in place to convince her to get help). I don't know whether insurance will pay for rehab. I don't know whether I can or should call her own therapist and express my concern/get his advice. I've never done this before but think that my family will look to me for leadership. I am concerned that she could hurt herself; she will surely be defensive/dismissive/angry when confronted. I love my sister and want to help her. She will not be happy that this is happening.

For those who have been through this: how did you do it? In what order? With the addict's knowledge or behind their back?

Thanks for any advice you can give. Throwaway e-mail is helpmehelpmysister@gmail.com

Help me help my bulimic friend

greenish — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 08:34:18 -0800

Were you ever bulimic? Can you pin down a key thought or statement which helped you? This weekend I have the opportunity to spend some time with a friend who I know is suffering badly with Bulimia at the moment.

I am going to try and talk to her about it, if she is open to it.

I don't want to give her any rehearsed schpiel, but can you give me any one question or sentence or idea which helped you, which i can bear in mind?

Thanks mefites.

How to recover from a relapse

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 14:37:36 -0800

As an addict, have you dealt with a hidden relapse? I was sober for a year until last February. I have been hiding my relapse well since then but I know it will fall apart. How can I best tell the people who love me that I have fallen off the wagon? How did you do it? There is nothing obvious right now other than brutal honesty.

Smells like teen spirit

Abbril — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:06:50 -0800

Has my camera been hitting the bong? My new camera (canon xsi) and my new camera bag suddenly have a skunky, pot-like smell. Thing is, no one in my house smokes pot. I bought them new about a month ago and they have been inside exclusively, except one afternoon out. Any ideas? Is my camera a junkie?

Adult babysitting in paradise? I'd rather not.

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 07:35:08 -0800

What can my mom do about a self-destructive friend of a friend in vacation-land? My parents moved about ten years ago and my mother found a wonderful best friend in her new town (all of them are in the same age range: mid fifties). Her friend, who we shall call Sarah, introduced her to a slightly (~10 years) older couple who we will call Ted and Liz. Sarah, her husband, Ted, Liz and my parents spent a lot of time together, but my mother has always been closest to Sarah.

About three years ago, Ted was diagnosed with a late-stage cancer; he died about a year ago. Both my mother and Sarah provided Liz with a great deal of support but Liz was facing more than just the loss of her husband; he was pretty much her entire support structure. He took care of all financial matters but left her in large amounts of debt despite having assets. That was fixed with outside help. She lost a portion of her assets in the recession, but she still can be considered “wealthy”. Ted kept their social calendar full with parties and travel so Liz is not adept at scheduling.

My parents have a winter home in a semi-remote tourist destination. They often have friends come and stay with them or in rentals nearby. Liz came down last winter with Sarah for one week and stayed an extra week with my parents in their house. This year, Liz rented an efficiency for two and a half months to escape the winter up north.

The problems began as soon as she arrived:

-She booked her flight three days before her rental started, so she stayed with my parents. My mom already had two friends down for the week who took the two bedrooms. Liz complained that she wasn't given back “her” bedroom, the one she stayed in last time. She then whined at length about how “poor” she was because of the recession to one of my mom's friends, who has always been in a rather low income bracket. That got my mom rather angry, but she did not confront Liz at the time.
-Liz is allegedly taking loads of medication (of unknown variety). Her doctor is apparently a prescription vending machine (or at least his PA is). She drinks alcohol excessively and sleeps at least 10 hours a day. She barely eats and is “skin and bones” according to my mother. She also shakes visibly in the morning.
-Liz often starts off on a non-sequitur, doesn't listen to what anyone else is saying, and is basically not able to hold her end of a conversation unless she is telling one of the few stories she relates repeatedly.
-Her reasoning is odd/non-functional. An example: my mom tried to get her into a local bridge game. The leader tried to call her, but her cell was off. When my mom asked about it, Liz said she didn't want to run out of batteries. My mother suggested she recharge her phone while she sleeps, to which Liz replied, “Oh, that's a good idea”.

In short, if you skipped all that, the woman is kind of crazy. She is depressed and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Now my mom, who is really not good at dealing with people in a sensitive manner, is stuck with this woman. Liz has only visited this area once, and has no friends other than my mom. My mom is really only barely friends with her in the first place. Their mutual friend, Sarah, is not retired and even if she had the time, I'm not sure she'd want to spend it babysitting Liz. My mother has a full schedule of friends visiting and social obligations. Even if my mom wanted to stage some kind of intervention (which she really is loathe to do), their remote location makes any kind of outside support (such as a psychiatrist) difficult to find.

My mom is an good person but really does not want to take Liz on as some kind of “project”. Liz doesn't have any children, I've never heard her speak of relatives and her only close friend I know of is Sarah.

Liz made the “adult” decision to come down to this remote location for ten weeks and did not ask my mom to be her entertainment. My mom is torn between her moral qualms about leaving Liz to her own devices and her desire to stay away from becoming Liz's only tether to the world. Before Ted died, he was basically Liz's full-time keeper.

What can my mother do, or not do, legally, ethically and morally? Any suggestions/opinions are welcome

Throwaway email for questions: friendofafriendtrouble@gmail.com

Non-Spontaneous Human Combustion: How Do We Stop It From Happening to Mom?

julthumbscrew — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:21:15 -0800

The short version: mom's morphed into a reclusive, depressive, heavily-medicated, quasi-narcoleptic shell of a woman. She's given up on life and herself. More disturbingly, she's burned holes in hundreds of household items (carpets, floors, computer keyboards) after falling asleep while smoking. It's a recipe for tragedy(s) - fires, skull fractures, etc. We want a better life for her (or hell, any life at all, given the fire hazards). What can we do? The longer, far-more-depressing version (you might want to grab a coffee and a bottle of Paxil prior to reading):

My mom's falling apart... physically, mentally, emotionally, existentially. Her disintegration's been progressing for years. We've never attempted an intervention because we didn't know where to start. There were complications on complications (Ball of Yarn, meet Can of Worms).

We can't ignore it any more. Her life's in danger. We have to do something. But what? In order to help describe the extent of the issues, I'm going to kick it case history style. I'll describe a typical Day in the Life of Mom. Then, I'll provide some back story to help elaborate the factors which contribute(d) to the current miserable state of affairs.

The Problem(s):

She wakes up at noon, groggy and in pain. Bad pain. Where? Everywhere. Between the fuzziness and physical aches, tiny tasks take ages. By 1:00, she's managed to put on a robe, make a pot of coffee, take a pain pill and smoke the first half-dozen victims of a four pack-a-day habit. She spends some time shuffling between her heating pad and the coffee pot... flipping channels on the TV... nodding off and augmenting the carpet's array of cigarette burns. On a good day, this lasts an hour. On a bad day, it never really ends. Even on the best days, she's near-catatonic until the trifecta of coffee, cigarettes and morphine has worked its magic.

If it's a bad day, she'll go back to bed. If it's a good day, she'll putter from task to task, only sporadically finishing any of 'em. She puts on a load of laundry... then the phone rings!... she finishes her phone call, goes back to the laundry room, realizes she needs fabric softener. But the dog needs to be let out!... she lets the dog out, decides to sit down and watch some TV... but she still needs fabric softener!... but her car keys are next to the sink, and it's full of dirty dishes!... but she can't wash them, of course, until the silverware drawer is organized... oh, shoot, the dog's barking... forgot to let her in!... she lets the dog in, stops by the refrigerator to get a snack... and that nice roast is going to expire! Need to cook it! But the stove's covered in dirty dishes, too! Better organize the cupboards.

It's an unrelenting ADDeath shuffle, fueled by copious quantities of coffee, cigarettes and morphine. Not to feel good, mind you... to suppress the myriad of inexplicable aches and pains which would otherwise debilitate her.

At 5 PM, my father gets home from work. She says she's exhausted, that she's "been running all day!". She didn't even have time to shower! My father - an engineer of the "gentle robot" type - doesn't particularly care that the house is a crap hole, that dinner hasn't been made, that the carpet's a mass of charred polyester. He does the chores she requests. He fetches take-out. He calls in sick when she's too pained to get out of bed. He's supportive in all the ways she requires... and none of the ways she really needs.

Robo-Dad goes to bed at nine on the dot. Mom's day has barely begun. She can't go to bed! The house is a wreck! No one else is going to clean it! So begins the nightly suburban stations of the cross. She shuffles from room to room, chipping away at chores, trying (and failing) to fight fatigue. Falling asleep sitting in chairs (with her head pitched forward at a sickening, painful angle). Falling asleep at the kitchen table. Falling asleep on the toilet, falling off, hurting herself. Falling asleep standing up. Dropping cigarettes and burning holes in every surface imaginable. Eating sweets. Watching five-minute segments of movies ten times in a row because she keeps nodding off. Growing increasingly foggy, confused and incoherent.

Sometime before dawn, the inevitable wins and she passes out for an hour or two... sometimes in bed, sometimes on the couch, often while slumped over in a chair. She rarely sleeps for more than two or three hours before waking. When she wakes, she cannot/will not go back to sleep without taking another whack at the whole "shuffle around house, burn holes in shit" routine (she claims that sleeping for more than four hours at a time "messes up" her back). After two or three shuffle-interrupted blocks of sleep... surprise! It's noon again... rinse, repeat.

It's no way to live. Yet she has been, for years. And now her daily hours of lucidity have begun to wane. We're sad and scared.

What We Want, Ideal-World Version:

- We want her to stop endangering her life and those of her family.
- We want to help her address the sleep issues which are so detrimental to her life.
- Ditto the depression issues.
- We want a better life for her than the one she's living. She deserves it.

The Background Info:

- Let's set a few things straight. She's a wonderful woman. She's damned intelligent, hilariously funny, incredibly supportive, one of the few genuinely moral people I've ever met. My entire concept of ethics and decency comes from her. Hell, the bulk of that which is good in me comes from her. Hence my desire to sift through this clusterfuck and help her.

- She's in her early 60s. She's suffered from clinical depression for over fifty years. It's ebbed and flowed. SSRIs currently keep it from spiraling out of control (though they don't make it much better). She's also had intractable feelings of worthlessness and failure - they've always been there, and always been incredibly painful and shameful. She was bright enough to have gone to medical school... instead, she became a secretary, then a homemaker. Wasn't encouraged by her parents.. wasn't encouraged by Robo-Dad... wasn't confident in herself. As such, she never achieved... well, much of anything, by outside standards. She's lived a good and decent life... but it's done nothing for her ego.

- My siblings and I are grown. Two of us have moved out. The youngest, Former Junkie Sister (now Suboxone Sistah), lives at home, works part-time, has little direction, spends a lot of time fighting with mom. Due to Former Junkie Sister's issues (as well as those of her other children), mom believes herself to have been a huge failure as a parent.

- Per my father, mom's always had issues with insomnia/resultant narcolepsy.

- For the past 15 years, she's experienced a series of inexplicable, increasingly-severe physical complaints. She's been pegged with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, you name it. Nothing's quite fit. Factitious? No. Psychosomatic? Quite possibly, at least in part. Her "treatment" has been limited to morphine sulfate, dispensed by a kindly but clueless local physician. The morphine suppresses enough pain for her to be mobile. Due to increasing tolerance, she's worked her way up to 8 to 12 60mg tablets per day (enough to euthanize a lesser mortal). Due to bad experiences with several specialists ("chronic nonspecific pain" = problematic patient), she's reluctant/unwilling to pursue other treatment options.

The physical ailments and their ensuing limitations were a nuisance... then a problem... then, once her kids were grown, the defining feature of her life. She has no real hobbies, few friends, no goals or ambitions. She doesn't feel she's worthy of these things. After all (in her mind), she's stupid, worthless and, above all, sick.

- Any suggestions regarding her problems are met with denial, incredulity and/or anger. Usually anger. "You kids have no idea what it's like"... "I have a pretty good life, most of the time"... "It seems like you're all turning on me"... etc.

- Aging has made her increasingly depressed/despondent about the course her life has taken. Hopelessness and helplessness are the themes of the day, "it's too late for me" a common refrain.

The Request: what do we do? We have no idea where to start. Psychiatrist? Life coach? Sleep clinic? Family doc? Any course of action has to be pursued very, very carefully; if she thinks we're betraying her, she'll be devastated. We want to help... not destroy.

Any suggestions, stories opinions and errata would be greatly appreciated. We're feeling clueless and desperate over here.

Financial crisis: Government intervention or free-market-pain?

chefscotticus — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:03:32 -0800

Current_financial _crisisFilter: Where can I read the single best arguments for government intervention to rescue the financial markets and economy, and the single best argument for zero/minimal government intervention in this current financial crisis? (Looking for links to articles, blog posts, etc -- not opinions -- from MeFites...)

The Cure of a Fear of Abandonment - Resources?

watercarrier — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:25:29 -0800

Abandonment - What is the Cure? I've been watching A&E Intervention recently and I've noticed that one common key element that runs through all addicts is the issue of abandonment. Someone, somewhere left them. Most if not all in early childhood. Who due to parents divorcing and who through other reasons causing disintegration of the family unit.

My question is this - has anyone ever been able to cure someone of the core issue of fear of abandonment where they were totally released from this hell? I've heard mention of Ibogaine as being a way through and out of the trauma, approaches in therapy where on nurtures ones inner child and still others where there is something called reparenting oneself. How successful are these approaches and are they even considered cures? And lastly, where would one find out all they can on the latest cutting-edge therapies in treating very early childhood trauma from a neuroscientific/psychological/spiritual vantage point?

Thanks so much.

I'm curious. C-U-R-I-O-U-S.

cosmic osmo — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:39:11 -0800

Why do they make the subjects of A&E's Intervention spell their name out loud? This has been bothering me for some time. Is there any reason that Intervention more often than not opens with an interview with the addict (or occasionally a family member) introducing themselves, and then spelling their name out loud.

Why do they make them do this?? I doubt it's for the documentary crew's benefit in spelling it correctly (even if it were, why wouldn't they edit it out?). It's obviously done on request (I don't know of anyone who spontaneously spells their name after introducing themselves), and occurs in almost every episode. Certainly there must be a reason.

How can I stop my brother's drug habits?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 15:02:41 -0800

How can I confront my brother on his (illegal) drug habits in a way that will make him actually change them; and not just hide his habits from me/lose his trust in me. I am 21 and my little brother is 17. My parents have been divorced since I was 16 and he was 12. I was little affected by it as it was all in all a good thing from my point of view (my parents fought every time they were in the same room as long as I can remember). After the divorce my brother moved in with our mom and I with our dad, but while I could drive and see whomever I wanted, he was confined to my mom's house and saw our very busy dad very very little.

Now that he is 17 and has grown up with practically no father figure in his life, he spends 90% of his time with his friends, and the rest of his time working out or at school. The problem is this- all of his friends and him are very habitual drug users, this includes coke, ecstasy, shrooms, acid, and of course lots and lots of alcohol. I know this because I used to do drugs on occasion (not anymore since seeing a lot of friends go down dark paths), and we used to talk about what we'd do. I was never habitual about any of it- I run a small business, go to school, get my work done, and have never been in trouble with any authority.

Last month he got a DUI after passing out at the wheel on the freeway and crashing into a sidewall at 3 AM (going 5 MPH with no passengers, but still far too stupid). He blew a .24, and he told me he was on ecstasy at the time as well. This means he will not have his license for a year at least, but he hasn't been to court yet so we're not sure about the final consequences. A week later he was arrested for being drunk underage at a rap concert. He has been looking for a job for forever but has not found one, does not seem to do anything productive with his time, and is still partying all the time with his friends.

My mom has no control over him, nor me, we never quite took her seriously because she yells about almost everything. My dad is good at keeping control but he is remarried and lives about an hour away and doesn't want to deal with my brother, I'm pretty sure he just wants him to turn 18 so he doesn't have to deal with him anymore. My brother is not an idiot, most of his friends are, but he just seems to have a twisted worldview when it comes to goals and authority. I know if I tell him to simply stop doing it I'll just become another authoritative enemy to him. so MeFi- how should I confront him?