Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with interpersonal

Help Me Help Him

terrier319 — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:44:01 -0800

A great kid. Uncomfortable in his own skin. Teen pressure. We've all been there. Help me help him. He's at the gawky stage of life, uncomfortable with how he looks, not muscular like some of his friends, shy, reserved, unsure of himself and how he might ask a girl out.

Shuns social interaction, worries about what his friends think of him and why he's feels he's not "cool." In short, a kid living through the painful period of adolescence.

I am trying to help him by assuring him that we have all been there, he will get through it, that he has to find something that really interests him and that once he does his true light will shine through and others will find him interesting.

Good looking 15-year-old, good grades in school, tall, physically attractive and otherwise a fine kid. He just wants to be liked.

It pains me to see him suffer through this. I want to help but I know that he has to live it like everyone else. Please offer any suggestions.

What's a kid to do?

ahrara_ — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:36:42 -0800

I have had self-esteem, confidence, and anxiety issues my entire life. Lately, my confidence has been getting much better, but it is still very unstable. More than anything else, I want to be able to feel good about myself consistently. Is this possible, given my background (see inside)? If so, please share your success stories or advice on what I can do to feel good. I came to America as an immigrant when I was 6 and had a rather hard time fitting in. To make it worse, I had a rather tumultuous family life and a slightly abusive father. As a result, I had little self esteem and no social skills -- until High School, I can positively say that I had never established any kind of close friendship.

Since I started college though, things have gotten much better. I've been involved in some extracurricular activities that I've been fairly successful in and that have helped develop my interpersonal confidence and leadership abilities considerably. In fact, there are days where I am positively charming, funny, outgoing, and "one hell of a guy". When I'm like this, I have no problem doing things like going to parties, initiating conversation with perfect strangers, dealing with confrontations, etc.

But underneath that glossy exterior is an absurd amount of insecurity. I am easily intimidated and I feel uncomfortable being around people who are as capable socially, because I feel like I have to keep up with them. If I approach somebody in anything short of my super-confident mode, I tend to be very hard on myself and feel like a social failure. When my self esteem fails, my anxiety climbs until it starts interfering with my ability to function. I have trouble speaking coherently sometimes, to the point that I can hardly carry on a conversation. The social anxiety tends to make me feel very lonely, even when I'm surrounded by friends and have people available to hang out with -- I just know I can't *function* with them.

Some nights I just feel hopeless. Every time I've felt like I've finally reached a point where I could feel good about myself consistently, it's all come crashing down again somehow. Usually it's because I'm not around people often enough -- for the reasons stated above, I only have a small circle of people to spend time with.

I know self esteem issues aren't exactly new to askmefi. There are many questions about social anxiety and a lot of good answers, but very few get to the heart of what I want to know -- is this something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, or is it possible for someone like me to find a consistent sense of confidence? I'll be frank with you -- I'm not posting so much for advice on what to do, but for encouragement that it can be done, not only for myself, but for the many people here I'm sure share the same experience. Please share your success stories. The more detail the better!

Pointers on the practice of poise

thisjax — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 12:09:05 -0800

How do I become more calm, or at least appear to be more calm? In reading some of the recent questions about what makes a person charismatic or refined, I've realized that my major barrier to being a warm, inviting person is that I'm just not calm. I often feel and appear harried, and anyone who knows me would probably say that panic is an emotion that I express quite a bit. It gets in the way of my ability to lead and has led to negative professional consequences in the past.

I'm naturally a high-strung person, and I don't think that's something I'll ever be able to fully change. What I want, though, is find some ways to develop (or even fake) at least a small amount of that equanimity that puts others at ease. Any suggestions?

I really am sincere. Help me look sincere.

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 06:43:05 -0800

My facial expressions don't match my emotions. Sometimes when I think I'm being friendly and warm, I actually look condescending, anxious or just weird. As far as I know I'm neither crazy nor autistic. How can I fix this? While preparing for a big job interview, I tried practising my responses in front of the mirror and noticed something odd:

The way my facial expressions feel is completely different to how they look. When I think I'm giving a warm, sincere smile, my eyebrows head skywards and I end up looking either condescending or anxious. When I intend to portray cheerful enthusiasm, my eyes open too wide and I end up looking fearful. I've also seen video footage of myself pulling these faces in social situations when I had no reason to be condescending, anxious or fearful, and I have no memory of actually feeling those emotions. The facial expressions really do seem to be coming from nowhere.

I have no trouble interpreting facial expressions in others or knowing which ones are appropriate. I don't have autism or Aspergers, although I occasionally have some difficulty with recognising faces. I've had CBT for depression, but I'm currently doing just fine.

I was raised in a multicultural family - one culture is known for being facially expressive, the other tends to be socially very blunt and not particularly smiley. It's possible that I absorbed a strange, hybrid lexicon of facial expressions as a child that doesn't quite work as an adult in a western culture.

As far as I know, there's nothing else unusual about me.

Has anyone experienced similar problems? Is there any way I can retrain myself to look sincere when I really am sincere? Should I do acting classes or biofeedback or meditation or something else? Is there a website that can help me? All I want to do is to look as sincere as I actually am.

Ask for credit when credit is due (at work)?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:03:08 -0800

I'm about to not get acknowledged for my work on a project I put my heart and soul into for several months (at a junior level). Others working on different aspects of the project at similar levels are thanked. There's still time to change the course of events. Should I approach my boss and bring this to his attention? If so, what's the best way to do this professionally? Suggestions on what to say? My supervisor hasn't seen the mock-up acknowledgments yet, but he'll be reviewing them in the next few days. Even if nothing comes of it, I think I owe it to myself to let my supervisor to know that it stings not be recognized for my contribution. Both he and I agreed that my work on this project has been successful and a is "professional highlight." It's also at the top of my résumé, but might look a little suspect if my name is nowhere in the project literature. A bit of salt in the wound: my predecessor, who worked in my capacity on last year's project, got recognized for his work. Am I justified, both personally and professionally, for wanting recognition for my part in this project? I'm still learning when and how to make my needs known in the professional sphere.
Throwaway e-mail: creditwhereitsdue@gmail.com

velvet glove for the iron fist?

lalalana — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:18:42 -0800

Help my friend not be misperceived so that she can get a job! My friend is super smart, very industrious, a wonderful team member but... makes faces and has a certain demeanor that makes people think that she has, as one person put it, "an attitude problem." This label is TOTALLY NOT deserved, but I do understand why people might get this impression. What can she do to ensure that she comes off as more "likable" in a job interview? She kind of looks at you like a quizzical pug dog saying "WHAT? YOU CRAZY!" It's actually really cute when you know her... She's hilarious, always honest, very considerate. You just have to learn how to read her. She's not even aspergersish or whatever... she gets people... it just takes them a week or so to get her.

Sometimes, though, she's a bit blunt. I've worked with her, and have had to do some "translating" for outsiders so that her valuable ideas are heard in the light that they need to be. Plus, she has two degrees from Ivy League type schools, so that might add to the presumed air of superiority, etc.

I've seen give presentations where she didn't come off this way at all. But she says she can't really control it. She says that in the past, when she's tried too hard to be nice at interviews, it comes off as fake and weird.

Can anyone offer any concrete tips to help her ace job interviews? She's going on the market this summer. Unfortunately, her skill set is such that "interpersonal skills" will probably be a hiring criteria. She has them... just not at first.

We adore our cat and we're good parents to her. Do we have to give her up?

empty commercial spaces — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 10:35:31 -0800

Our former roommate had a cat, which he was babysitting for his ex. He lived with us for 6 months and barely acknowledged this wonderful, personable animal - they hadn't bothered to give her a name - and my girlfriend and I became close with her and kept her for 2 months after the roommate moved out. Now he has reappeared and wants to take her back to a lonely, neglected existence. We want to say no. How can we do this? My girlfriend and I are both in our 20s and live in an apartment in NYC. We found this particular roommate through Craigslist.

He moved in with a cat in July, which he and his ex had owned for about a year and a half. The story is, they broke up and he had to keep a bunch of her stuff while she was traveling. The cat never had been given a name, which we thought was cute at until we saw that he rarely ever went near her or talked to her and his ex didn't seem to want her either. She's the sweetest, friendliest cat I've ever met and she quickly became attached to us. We gave her a name (Yuki) and she ended up staying in our room all day and eventually sleeping in our bed every night. We're in love with her and we both work from home so we're able to shower her with attention.

When the roommate moved out two months ago, we offered to keep her for as long as we could, hoping he would just give her over to us. He said she could stay until the beginning of January, when his mysterious ex (who we've only had one, slightly unfriendly encounter with) would take her back to Chicago with her. After two months of domestic bliss, I got an email from him that said "I'm coming to take the cat back on Monday" and to grab some DVDs he left.

I don't really know what to do. He a generally nice, intelligent guy, but he's a little weird about possessions - one time he got really freaked out because someone used a 50 cent plastic bowl he owned in the microwave. Yuki, our beloved Yuki, seems to be on the same level to him as that plastic bowl. He's sort of in denial about the cat being close to us - the only time I heard him acknowledge it was when he was arguing with his ex on the phone because neither of them wanted to keep her.

Strangely, though, he would never admit to this, and now he's coming to take her away be ignored for eternity. Aside from my own selfish reasons to keep Yuki - she makes me happy - I feel obligated to protect her from that fate. Though it seems hard to believe, he will act incredulous if I try to explain the situation and will NOT want us to keep her. He will even act as if we're unfit to take care of her.

So. Do we ask to talk to the ex directly, explain the situation and offer to buy her? What if they just say, "No! MY cat!" which we're expecting based on previous interactions? Short of going into hiding, what are our options here?

What else can a couple ask each other?

TwelveTwo — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 11:59:32 -0800

My girlfriend and I need questions and inspiration for our bedtime question game before it dies of creative block. We have an evening ritual of asking each other questions in turn until we really aught to sleep. They range from "What's your least favorite root vegetable?" to "If you could change one aspect of reality what would you change?" to "Which pet peeve of yours would you like to not be bothered by?" Each question is then followed by a "why?" and then usually discussion. The purpose of this bedtime ritual is to continue the exploration of each other's mind beyond the initial stages of a relationship.

But we've hit a question drought and are short on ideas. So, I seek the creativity, and wisdom of the AskMe masses.

We need good questions and inspiration for more questions.

Boost My Charisma Score

kaizen — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 04:26:35 -0800

What are some of your favorite interpersonal tricks and techniques. I am trying to be a little more engaging in my interpersonal relationships. Bascially, I want to up my charisma quotient. Answers to this question would be along the lines of stuff found in a Dale Carnegie book, like saying a person's name during conversation, keeping up correspondence ( letters, emails, x-mas cards ), etc. etc. Lyndon Johnson used to grab people by the lapel while talking to them for effect. Benjamin Franklin said, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged." What things have you seen others do that seem to have a positive effect on other people?

Need to find out what misunderstanding with friend will mean for my parents

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 10:12:38 -0800

Generally in most states, especially Oregon, if one person claims another has "personal property," do the police deal with this in an immediate sense or is this a case for small claims? More specifically, I have a friend who sold me some music equipment, and is now claiming he will contact the police and that I stole it. I don't know what to do or what will happen as there was no recording of anything, other than a few vague e mails, and a few witnesses to both accounts. Usually a frivolous personal problem, but the x-friend has found my parents' information through the family web site. Please help! (I can't just give the equipment back as it's sold. ) I want to know that the police won't come knocking on my parents' door or something crazy.

Things I am not going to be talking about

parmanparman — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 10:26:07 -0800

What topics are taboo for casual conversation? I am a religion journalist. At a wedding this weekend, I got into no end of discussion and argument over religion, spirituality, and piecemeal details of belief. I am putting together a list of those other things (sex, politics, abortion) that are taboo for casual conversation. What are some others?

How to stop being a racist?

cleardawn — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 07:15:50 -0800

How (or: Why) do people begin to stop being racist? How did you begin to learn to appreciate people of different races to your own? Nobody is born racist. But kids (of all races) often learn it at an early age from the people and images around them.

By the time I was 12, I was a nasty little fascist, ready to chat happily with my all-the-same-race friends about all kinds of ideas about what "we" should do about "them".

However, by the time I was 18, my opinions had changed, and I had friends from several races. It seems I experienced some kind of tipping point, at which I decided I wanted to learn about other races, rather than wanting to hate them.

Possibly, the thing that shifted the balance for me was learning a simple Buddhist meditation technique - the idea of sending "loving-kindness" out to "all sentient beings". But maybe it was something else... perhaps even something I didn't notice at the time.

How did you come to challenge the racism you learned as a child?

Help! I need friends/socialization/stress relief

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Jun 2005 22:14:01 -0800

I am not good at interacting with people, making friends, or handling stress. Until I was 18 I spent most of my time avoiding my parents so I wouldn't get beaten for one reason or another. I took a lot of long walks and spent a lot of time alone. Over the first years of college I learned how to eat in public without breaking into a nervous sweat. That's probably the last big development in my socialization. Society confuses me. Hectic, loud, full of symbols that I don't know the meaning of--exchanges between people that mean something to both people but nothing to me. I'm confused, irritated, and intimidated just going outside.

I don't know how to interact with people beyond the basic "please" and "thank you." I tend to offend people, not on purpose but just from thoughtlessness. Society in general seems like a foreign civilization. I don't have many friends (one in town, who's currently very busy writing a dissertation) and don't know how to make any. I feel like I could use a Complete Idiot's Guide to Damn Near Everything. Manners doesn't cover enough--even small talk, or how to handle being smiled at without almost breaking into tears.

I've seen a lot of psychologists over the years but I don't know if I should take one now. I had a job I hated for seven years and then I quit after a big pay cut. The last interview I had, halfway through it the interviewer quit making eye contact. I doubt I'll be getting another job soon. I'll shoot myself in the head before I go back to that last one. I've got enough money for another year or so, without a psychologist.

I need some stress relief, but I hurt my wrist in a wreck last month and so most exercise is out of the question. Weight lifting, boxing, bike rides--can't do it. I can barely open a jar.

I need some new form of exercise. Jogging hurts my wrist. Walking, even for hours, isn't doing it.
I need to learn how to interact with people.
I need to learn how (and where?) to make friends.
I need someone to talk to.

Don't Shop at Wal-Mart!

nyoki — Tue, 06 Apr 2004 13:05:09 -0800

EPISTEMOLOGICAL INTERPERSONAL DILEMMA AHEAD:
How does on convince someone else, who has many options available to them and who has no serious financial restrictions, to not shop at Wal-Mart? (more inside) My partner is quite a well educated person (PHd, english - literary criticism). He’s extremely politically aware, progressive in his thinking, and able to make very complex connections in his creative endeavors. However, he still insists on shopping at WalMart - and it makes me sort of crazy.

I’ve mentioned my feelings to him several times, making overt connections between all the media (the nation, the progressive, adbusters, salon, etc) that he reads and the actual choices he makes when he spends money. He is not under any financial strain where he must get the best deal on every single product, which I know that for people whose finances are tight – shopping at WalMart is a necessity. Yet – he keeps going back there AND to make matters worse (in my eyes) always buys the “Great Value” WalMart brand food staples like butter and pepper. Yet, he’ll happily spend top dollar on “non-essential” organic foods from our local coop, like organic cranberries for instance. And there are many, many, many, businesses in the same area where he could shop.

Now, I love him to death and this is not a make or break issue in our relationship by any means – it’s just mind-boggling frustrating.

My perspective is that i have to put my money where my mouth is – as much as can be done without becoming absolutely over-the-top-zealous. The personal is political and I feel like I can rest a bit easier not funding the behemoth WalMart and taking my business elsewhere. It’s not a complex choice – where a lot of research would be required to know who and what their business practices are.

It also seems to be a problem with the greater social climate we live in – where the cheapest product is the best product irrespective of the larger social ramifications . . . and the biggest rub is that if my partner (smart, educated, socially aware) doesn’t resist those “lowest prices” . . . how can we bring about awareness to the greater whole about the actual detriment those low prices bring to the whole world?

Anyone have any advice / suggestions / similar experiences to share?