Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with infidelity

Why am I in love with my husband's best friend?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:10:02 -0800

I have an excellent relationship with my husband. So why am I in love with his best friend? And what, if anything, should I do about it? My husband and I have been together for ten years, we have a kid, and I love being with him. Our relationship is fairly egalitarian and we have an active sex life. So why can't I stop obsessing over this friend of his? He lives very far away from us, and we don't see him often. But if I'm even in the same state as he is I begin to think about him. A lot. The last time we visited him I just couldn't stop thinking about him for weeks afterwards. We do not flirt and I don't think he knows how I feel about him and I'd like it to stay that way. I should say that my husband is far more attractive than his friend and we are MUCH better suited to each other than his friend and I would be. This isn't the first "crush" I've developed since my husband and I have been together, but it is the first one that didn't go away. I have no interest in leaving my husband and I don't think I'd have a better relationship with his friend in any way. But it doesn't stop me from dwelling on him in my mind and I'd like it to stop.

I think it's related to wanting to feel the "new-ness" of a relationship all over again. Having been with my husband for a long time, even though it's a great relationship, doesn't have the urgency of a new relationship. Of course if I ever pursued anything with anyone else (which I would never do while I am still together with my husband), eventually we would reach the same point that I am at right now, missing the feeling of being passionately and newly in love again.

If he's talking, he's lying.

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:17:58 -0800

I've discovered recently that my boyfriend is a compulsive/pathological liar, and maybe even a sociopath. Please help me evaluate how much of a nutjob he truly is, devise a breakup that will get him out of my life soon and forever, and figure out my obligations, if any, to inform others of his real character. My long distance boyfriend has claimed since the beginning of our relationship a year ago that he'd broken up with his previous GF, but was still living with her for financial reasons, supposedly. (He's now in serious debt after being laid off last year.) I got suspicious after a deadline for him to move out of there passed, but had no proof until a few days ago. My spider sense refused to stop tingling, and finally I snooped and found out the hard truth--not only is he still her boyfriend, but he's recently proposed marriage to her. Worse still, I also discovered that he's a serial, compulsive, cheater. In addition to his live-in, he's seeing me, cultivating a couple of ex-GFs from his past, and trawling personals and adultfriendfinder for various casual sexual encounters with both men and women. (If he's bisexual, he's definitely not out of the closet, btw.)

I also discovered he's faking a terminal illness to get out of a contractual obligation with a former business associate, who's now incredibly distraught over his imminent "death."

Normally I'm not a snooper in relationships, because of what it does to trust. Turns out in this case no trust should have existed from the beginning, because he's turned out to be a very convincing and prolific liar. I knew no other way to learn the truth without actually calling his supposed ex on the phone, but I'm ready to get called out here for my snooping.

So: I've read the writing on the wall, and am ready to DTMFA, and also to get tested for STDs, believe me. So no need to tell me to do either. My questions are:

1) How can I be done with him most neatly and efficiently? We live 400 miles apart, so that's helpful. I suspect if I confront him he'll deny everything and weave more lies trying to keep me. Part of me is also scared he will flip out in some unprecedented way--he has a nasty temper at times, though he's never been violent with me. I just want never to hear from him again. However he's recently been talking about finally moving out of her house and moving here to be with me--I think she has just run out of money, though, and he believes he can sponge off me when he's totally done with her.

2) Do I have any obligation to inform his (other) girlfriend of his activities? By all accounts she's a decent person, and I feel horrible for having been the unwitting other woman. She doesn't seem to question him at all, ever. He's been away from her for weeks at a time to visit me or to travel with me--I found out he once told her he was out working out in the sticks of the state they live in, and wasn't in touch with her because he was without cell service or internet. He's charming and lies effortlessly, so I know she must want to believe him, as I did. (When he actually is at home, he's scanning the web for daytime sexual adventures, while she works to support them both.)

If she throws him out, though, he'll be destitute and likely homeless. One reason I don't want him desperate is because I don't want him at my door with no place to live.

3) Any tips for getting over this shock? I'm in my late thirties, have been married and divorced, and have so far not lost my ideals, but this has really sent me reeling. The list of lies he told me (some to cover his posterior, many just for the hell of it, apparently) is endless. I waited to post until I was calmer and stopped shaking and feeling like vomiting every single hour, but it's still pretty horrible.

Thanks for reading this far. Throwaway email for anyone who'd like to contact me directly: scalesfellfromhereyes@gmail.com

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

Cheating women

pumpkin11 — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:57:44 -0800

I'm looking for films where female characters cheat... yes, I've seen this question, but most of the films involve men cheating on their female partners, and I am looking for the other way around (without having to read a summary of every film on that list). If you can link to a imdb/summary of the film, that would be even more helpful. Thank you!

Why do I attract married men?

giggleknickers — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 07:07:36 -0800

Attracting married men is my superpower. What gives? I think I was bitten by a radioactive homewrecker at some point. What on earth am I doing wrong? I keep finding myself in the same situation where a married man, often with kids, is chasing me down and telling me he is in love with me while I'm trying to give him the coldest shoulder I can without being rude. I am not in a position where I meet a lot of married men at all, but I swear that if I was in a room with one hundred single men and one married man, it would be the married man chasing me around the room. It has gotten so bad that even my doctor started telling me he is falling in love with me.

It's always the same. They get infatuated, tell me that I make them wish they weren't married, and politely ignoring them just seems to make them want me more. If I keep attracting the same situation, there must be something about my personality that is doing it, so please help me figure out what the hell it is so that I can make it stop.

I have no interest in marriage or kids myself, so possibly maybe that has something to do with it? They want me before they find that out, but I still have to wonder if there is a connection.

How do I re-start/maintain a relationship with my father while my mother is cheating on him and he doesn't know?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:36:47 -0800

How do I re-start/maintain a relationship with my father while my mother is cheating on him and he doesn't know? My mother and my father's relationship has been on rocky ground from some years, but they have not made any real moves towards divorce. At the same time, I've never been close to my dad and at times this bothers me. Quite often my mom has done the work of getting the family together. My dad is a good person, but we used to have arguments quite often when I was a teenager (which is normal) and he's quite a bit more right wing than I am, and very much a workaholic (his job takes him away from home for up to 2 weeks at a time). As I left for university, my conversations with my father rarely got to deeper subjects than the weather or farming. On the other hand, he's fairly supportive of my sister's and my choices and, as I said, not a mean or bad person. I also worry that my dad is depressed and that his aversion to seeking medical help generally means that he won't deal with it. So I want to have more contact with him, in order to be more aware of how he's doing mentally and possibly intervene/help him before his depression gets out of hand.

My mom has always been close to me, but I've found it stressful talking with her lately, because she spends most of her conversations complaining about my dad being distant and unloving. Several months ago, I advised her to "figure out what she wants in her life" and make that happen rather than letting things happen to her and complaing about it. She's using those words to justify this affair, which actually infuriates me, because I meant them more as a "decide to divorce or not once and for all" and not "have an illicit affair". Furthermore, she's told everyone in the family about this affair now, and I'm angry that she's put all of us in the position of being secret-keepers and/or secret-spillers. I don't approve of her doing this and have told her that I think she should either tell dad, or formally seperate from him so it doesn't matter. She says she wants to avoid divorce because of all the legal and financial stress of it. I also worry that he's going to eventually find out (my parents live in a very small, rural community rife with malicious gossip, so it's going to come out), and I think my dad will be doubly hurt that everyone knew about this before him. I think he deserves to be left by my mom, but not to be humiliated by her. OTOH, I don't want to tell him myself because I feel that it's my mom's responsibility and I think she's on a subconscious level wanting to be 'caught' and hoping that someone will do the difficult work of telling dad so she doesn't have to. (My mom has always been very conflict-averse and neurotic.)

So, basically, to sum up: I'm anticipating a major blow-up and I've decided that it's important I keep a healthy relationship with both of my parents, and I know that I'll need to put in some effort to do that with my dad. I don't want to accidently or purposely tell him about the affair. Nor, do I want my attempts to re-establish more contact with my dad to be intepreted by my mom as some conspiracy against her. An example of how I'm considered trying to get closer with my dad is asking him to (re)teach me how to fish as it's something he knows and likes, and that I'm interested in getting into. I also have a particularly good memory of a fishing trip with him when I was 5 years old.

Other possibly relavant details: I'm an independent adult (approaching 30), own my own home and live several hours away. I ended a 9 year common law marriage last year when my former partner was unfaithful to me, and while I'm trying really hard to project some of that onto my parents' situation, I realize it's a risk. My sister (late 20s) is also independent from my parents, married with kids, and lives closer. My sister's husband talks regularly with my dad and is probably most affected by knowing. Both my parents (early 60s) have good jobs/pensions and healthy savings balances, property, etc, and neither will be devastated financially by a divorce.

When do I confront the cheater?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 07:10:02 -0800

My husband is cheating on me. I am paralyzed with fear. I need advice for our unique and complicated situation. It is incredibly complicated, so I will try to keep this simple. I have suspected for a while, things have felt different and there have been odd signs, and this morning I confirmed it. We both work for the same company and have the exact same company-issued blackberrys. I picked his up thinking it was mine and in a split second before even realizing it, I saw something that made my eyes pop open. And yes, then I proceeded to thoroughly go through his blackberry and there is absolutely no doubt that he is carrying on with someone.

I'm frozen in how to proceed. I would confront him this minute, except: He has surgery scheduled for Tuesday. I'm not inhuman. I want to wait until after the surgery, but how do I hold onto this for that long? I can't think about anything else. We are having 20 people to our house tonight to celebrate my 40th birthday. How do I smile through it all?

We work for the same company. The idea that this is going to inevitably bleed into my professional life is terrifying me.

I'm in the middle of preparing my dissertation proposal for committee defense in December. I need to focus on that as well.

I'm not even allowing myself to feel the broken heart part of this yet. I'm just numb, and I don't know what to do regarding confronting him and when.

Friends don't stress friends out!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:49:39 -0800

How do you extricate yourself from a family-oriented friendship? Very long and pathetic story to follow. About eighteen months ago, my child became friendly with a classmate. We hosted a play date that went swimmingly well. I liked the Mom quite a bit. This led to a reciprocated play date at their house, where we eventually ended up becoming family friends – Dads enjoyed each other’s company, kids played nice, Moms hung out. All was good. I thought it was great that we all were nice new friends. In fact, we spent the majority of the summer together, and even did holidays at each other’s houses.

Well, as my friendship with the new Mom evolved, she started to confide in me that she was involved in a long-established affair with another married male (who also had kids), and had long ago kind of checked out on her marriage. In fact, she actually hated her husband. Now mind you, our kids are now absolute buddies, and talk about each other endlessly and go to school together five days a week in the same class. I was kind of OK with just being aware of the situation, but as time went on, the volunteering of information became, well, a little TMI. The wheres, the whens, the hows. It was mentioned to me that there was a pregnancy scare and Plan B was involved. When I kind of brought up the What the FUCK?! Factor, as in, don’t you have enough going on? She said that they (she and her, uh, paramour?) discussed the thought of having a baby together and liked the idea, but then freaked when the possibility became a reality and bailed. TWICE. When I asked what would happen should the Plan B not work, how would she deal with the fact that she wasn’t sleeping with her spouse (except for the occasional mercy fuck) yet somehow get pregnant? She said that her husband wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out. (She is forever talking shit about him/his intelligence, etc.)

I tried to remain outside of the circle, especially since her husband happens to be a really nice guy. He apparently was aware that she had fooled around on him at one point, but was under the impression that it had ended a while back (to date, it’s now been about three years running). I also asked why they don’t just get a divorce; she sighted financial reasons, and also claimed that for all his faults, her husband is, in fact, a good father. They supposedly attempted counseling, though I never heard more about that after one or two tries.

Her child left the school to go on to a different district last year, so that kind of helped separate the situation. Still the kids missed each other, and I would regularly get calls and emails asking for play dates. I would kind of blow them off, or we would end up rescheduling. The few times we did get together, the conversation was kept very basic. My child regularly talked about how much she missed her friend, and would beg me to call the Mom and see when we could get together (this still happens pretty frequently). I try and change the topic, not really giving an answer, or say that everybody's busy the next few weekends, not really knowing how to explain the situation.

We went for about four or five months without communicating and I suddenly got a call about two weeks ago. It was a really bad time for me to talk and I never returned the call or sent an email.

And now to convolute the story further, her husband found me on FB this morning, wanting to know how I’ve been, and what’s been going on. Inevitably, he’s going to ask why I haven’t been around and what’s the story. It kills me to know what is going on, yet I feel I have no right (nor do I have any intention) to tell him.

How am I supposed to explain to my kid that I cut off our relationship with this family because of this person’s scruples?

Throwaway email: harriedparent@gmail.com

Is cheating in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable?

countingbackwards — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:40:24 -0800

Is infidelity in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable? I recently was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend days after we started living together and many of my friends who are in their late-30s are not surprised. We had been dating each other very seriously for a year, he spoke about getting a dog with me, he discussed future household repairs in the new place, putting me on his insurance, and at the same time was getting in some girls car in the middle of the night. Dating each other exclusively and living together were both his ideas (he even asked me what kind of wedding I would have) so I know there was no pressure on my end to have a life he didn't want. Seems as if he was just another boy too close for comfort to 30 and confused about what kind of life he wanted. I was just collateral damage.

I've told this story multiple times over the last few weeks and more than a few people didn't seem all that surprised. Someone even called it "age appropriate drama". Am I in for more duplicitous behavior from guys for the next ten years until I approaching 40? This break-up was really devastating and emotionally exhausting. I can't imagine going through something like this multiple times until I find someone to settle down with. Is this to be expected or does it happen more often than not? Also, I haven't spoken to him since about this, he has not reached out to me in any real way, perhaps out of shame.

Making an Indecent Proposal Halfway Decent

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 15:57:03 -0800

Best practices for proposing/having an affair? A friend and I (she's F, I'm M) are both married. Based on our conversations, it's clear that we are 1) both in marriages that are stable and loving on certain levels, but that are devoid of affection, including sex and 2)very attracted to one another.

In the interest of brevity, I won't go into the details, but we're both at a point where it's clear that our efforts to improve our marriages are not working (we've done counseling, talked, read books, attended seminars, etc.). Both our spouses have acknowledged that yes, the deficiencies in the physical department are their fault; however, for various reasons (mostly involving kids), neither of us wants divorce at this point.

On my end, I feel that if I could get affection and sex from an outside party, I would be content with what my wife offers in other ways (she's a wonderful and brilliant person, a great "business partner," and a great mom). I'm pretty sure my friend is on the same boat, but I'd want to know for certain before making a potentially disastrous move.

I'd like to believe that if we could agree on some ground rules (we won't leave our spouses, nobody can know about us, improvements in our marriages might mean the end of the affair, etc.), we could have a mutually satisfying physical relationship.

Though I dated a lot before I met my wife-to-be, I've never cheated on anybody; I can't believe I'm admitting the desire to cheat now. I'd like nothing more than to be able to have an affectionate, sexy relationship with my wife. We both like each other's spouses too-- it's not about trying to steal my friend from her asshole husband or anything. But I'm desperate, and so is my friend, as evidenced by our conversations and some unmistakable flirting on both sides.

Can an affair ever work without ruining marriages? Is it possible to play my cards right and get a confidential, no-strings-attached physical relationship? If so, how do I broach this subject with my friend (she probably wouldn't bring it up to me)? How do we arrive at a set of ground rules for what is and isn't acceptable?

I don't expect too many people to reply with, "I'm in the middle of an affair right now, and it's great!" so here's my throwaway email: strugglinghubby@yahoo.com

And yes, I know I'm a dog who doesn't deserve the wife I have, etc. I still have a lot of soul-searching to do before I decide anything... I've just not been able to talk to anyone about this, so I need to hear from people outside my own head.

Polite responses to nosy friends/family on personal matters?

KWittman — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 08:45:26 -0800

Any effective but non-offending responses for people who, in the name of being helpful and concerned, I feel are starting to become a bit too close for comfort when it comes to personal problems? Having marriage problems is hard enough, and although I am usually a very introverted person, I took someone's (now questionable) advice to "try opening up" to friends or family and not "carry the burden alone." As a result I shared some things that involved the signs of possible infidelity on my husband's part with a couple of friends in my town, and two of my sisters-in-law. At the time the sympathy, when I needed it, felt very comforting, but, big mistake.

As my husband and I continue to try and work things out, and go through a lot of hard issues, I have grown to sometimes feel cornered by the persistent questions from these friends/family members and have had the vague sense (sometimes, actually, the very keen sense) that they are just looking for the latest juicy details.

Nope, things are not 100% fine at my house, but I no longer think it's a good idea to "share" some of these things anymore. Just looking for some effective things in between "fine, thanks" or "I don't want to talk about it" or "none of your business" to the schadenfreude crew.

Emotional infidelity in an otherwise loving boyfriend...grounds for breaking up?

masala — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:33:34 -0800

Emotional Infidelity: Snooped in his email, found flirtatious, emotionally charged emails to other women, questioned his integrity, never got closure. Now we're broken up and this situation contributed. Was I too hard on him? I broke off a 2+ yr relationship recently (the following situation contributed), and have been wondering about this issue for some time.

This man was truly in love with me, and wanted to be with me in the long term (we're late 20s). When we met, he was still in the process of breaking up with his ex. His past relationships are characterised by deep emotional bonds and special connections.

Many months into the relationship, I was at his place and unexpectedly found his email open on the computer. I know I shouldn't have, but I snooped. I saw some email correspondence with his ex - emotionally charged stuff, with her re-stating her love for him and hope that he would come back to her, and him expressing how he still has fond feelings for her, even admitting to some confusion, and wishing her well.

But what bothered me more was that there were also emails to/from other women from his past - some overtly sexual, describing their "warmth" and, for one in particular, how he dreams of her. This girl lives in New York and he said he'd be on the next bus to see her if she wanted him to.

When I got over the initial shock (and guilt) of the situation, I questioned his integrity, and his strength. Why didn't he defend me to his ex, or tell her to stop communicating with him altogether? I too had had a passionate relationship before him, but we had a clean break, and there was no way I'd consider engaging in that kind of email exchange. Isn't that what being faithful is all about?

So...I confronted him. I told him everything I've written above. I clearly stated that I didn't think we should break up over it, but that I wanted some explanation. I also apologized for snooping and gave him the chance to call me out on it (although I realize that's pretty pathetic...the deed was done). He apologized many times over, and I resolved to let it go - I knew, after all, that he LOVED me and was devastated by this situation.

But he never did give me an explanation. He never said why he hadn't defended me. Never gave me a promise that it would not happen again. Sometimes I think I should have asked him for that...but part of me thinks that he should have found it within himself to revisit the issue after some time had passed and the dust had settled. To make things right and to communicate openly.

I couldn't shake this nagging feeling that my partner needs to be stronger...someone who knows how to do a clean break (as I do) and who won't indulge their lingering feelings for past flames.

Despite his not coming through on this issue, though, he loved me very much and made that clear to me every day.

Anyway, my question was about the emotional infidelity. Did I overreact? Am I being too idealistic in my expectations of a partner? Was this grounds for a breakup? Or did I throw away a good thing...

What did he do that made you cheat?

surenoproblem — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:46:30 -0800

If you've felt the temptation to cheat, or have cheated, on a guy: what sorts of things was he neglecting to do around that time? Or what things was he doing? I realise that there are a multitude of external factors, and no-one really drives their partner to infidelity, but I'd like some insight into what behaviours make a relationship more susceptible to infidelity.

A female friend is feeling an acute temptation, and the mistakes her partner is making are obvious: he's emotionally distant, he's uncontactable for days at a time. It got me curious: are there broad, general patterns? Are there mistakes that aren't as obvious?

I'm hoping for specific, empirical examples, as opposed to common-sense generalisations.

For example; I'm hoping for things like, "whenever I tried to tell him about concerns I had at work, he was uninterested and had a dissmissive attitude as if I were just sharing office gossip".

And I'm less interested in things like, "just be a good husband and have trust in your wife".

If privacy is an issue, you can send answers to what.didnt.he.do@gmail.com, and I'll post the answers here.

Thanks a lot!

How do I cope with bitterness and vengefulness toward my ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:28:31 -0800

My husband of 17 years had an affair and left me for someone else. Three years later, I’m still feeling bitter and vengeful. Please help me cope. Three years ago, my husband (now ex-) had an affair and left me for someone else. We had been married for 17 years, were both in our mid-forties, and had no kids by choice.

The woman he left me for was married, has four kids, and was cheating on her husband with my ex. They met in an online game. Within a few months of starting the online affair, he started sending her money behind my back, he suddenly realized he wanted kids, and they decided they were meant to be together. He quit his job, divorced me, emptied our joint bank account, and moved across the country to take a new job and be with her, all within the space of about six months. I’ve had no contact with him ever since. None of his family or friends speak to me anymore, so I have no idea where he is or what happened to him after he left.

It astounded me that the man I’d known, loved, and lived with for 17 years was capable of doing something like this. Seventeen years! No one who knew him (or thought they did, anyway) ever would have predicted it. I’m not even sure he himself knew why he did it. His family and friends were as shocked and blindsided as I was. Some tried to talk him out of it, and one even tried to warn him that his new love interest might have been taking him for a ride, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it.

Losing him was devastating, especially under conditions like this. I loved him with all my heart. Even when there was emotional distance there was still sexual chemistry between us, up to and including the day he left, which confused me even more.

For more than a year, I was completely wrecked. I could barely even function. Sometimes I look at photos of myself from right before the divorce, and compare them to photos taken two years later, and it’s as if I aged ten years in that time.

Throughout the divorce process, he insisted that he still loved me and never set out to hurt me, but just couldn’t be with me anymore because he had to go ‘find himself’ and date other people. He even had the nerve to try to maintain a ‘friendship’ with me after this betrayal. I refused. It hurt to cut him out of my life entirely, but I had to do it, because it hurt even more to try to downgrade things to ‘friendship.’ Every contact I had with him was like the emotional version of re-opening a sucking chest wound.

Although I’ve moved on in some ways, I feel like I’ve been scarred for life by this loss, and healing is a very slow process. On the surface, I’m doing all right. I have good relationships with my two sisters. I have friends and a job, though I make very little money and I’m in debt. Except for a short fling, I haven’t dated since he left, and I’m lonely. I’ve tried online dating, and I attend night classes and various events, but haven’t met anyone I click with. (Dating in your forties is a whole different ball game than dating in your twenties, I’ve found. It’s kind of depressing).

The thing that still torments me the most, though, is that even after all this time, I’m still struggling with feelings of bitterness and vengefulness. I have not forgiven him for what he did, and to be honest I don’t even know if I’m capable of it. I can’t help but think that forgiveness is somewhat overrated.

I’ve tried therapy and all kinds of other things to work through all this, including mindfulness meditation, exercise, getting perspective by reading about people who have it worse than me, reading self-help books (the no-bullshit kind, not the fluffy saccharine kind), and writing him icy and rage-filled letters (none of which were actually sent, because I promised myself that no matter how bad it got, I would always maintain my dignity, and not behave like a crazy ex). All these things have helped to a certain extent, yet I still wonder how I could have been blindsided like this. I once prided myself on being a fairly good judge of character.

I’ve made some progress, at least. I can tell the burden is lighter than it was a year ago. Yet underneath it all, I still feel tattered and torn. I used to be confident, but now my self-image feels damaged. Although I know I’m better off without him, I miss the tenderness and love I once felt toward him. Things still feel unsettled. I know I’ll never see him again, and I won’t ever get an apology. I’m doing my best to move on with my life anyway.

But there is also a part of me, a part I’m not so proud of, that wants to see him reap what he has sown. My friends tell me that people who do things like this eventually get their comeuppance. I don’t know if I actually believe in karma, but I’m clinging to the idea anyway because it comforts me, especially when I’m struggling financially while he (as far as I know) is doing just fine. Is it really true that karma's a bitch? And if it were, would it even make any difference?

I still don’t understand what could have driven him to do something like this. Maybe I never will. But I’m tired of this dragging on and on. I want to find some kind of peace, if not resolution. How do I do this?

Personal experiences welcome. Throwaway email: blindsided.ex at gmail dot com.

Do I really have to say goodbye to all that, so soon?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:04:33 -0800

I love my husband. But we can't really have sex, and that's not going to change. I'm thinking of looking elsewhere for it. I am a straight woman in my early forties, and my husband and I have been married for nearly a decade. He's a brilliant and lovely and very courageous man, and I love him dearly. I know he loves me too, and he's very good to me. But several years ago, he suffered significant nerve damage as a result of surgical complications, and as a result, our formerly enjoyable sex life has become very grim. He still experiences sexual desire, but he doesn't have enough nerve endings left to feel much actual sensation, and it is extremely difficult for him to achieve orgasm. (I should note that he already uses erectile dysfunction drugs, which help slightly, and that we are well aware of all the options and treatments available. I'm not seeking advice on the management of his medical issues.)

We still regularly engage in... well, I don't really think of it as sex any longer. I think of it as "Trying," a difficult and difficult-to-describe set of activities that very occasionally leads to an orgasm for him (a few times a year), but mostly not. Trying generally lasts for a couple of hours, and it is a fairly tense and often heartbreaking exercise that is of necessity focused pretty exclusively on him. He is always happy to do anything he can for me sexually, but since it does still turn him on, I afterward have the unappealing choice of either ignoring his needs or starting a round of Trying. So I don't ask. And I miss sex. I miss fun, easy, sexy sex, and I really miss sharing it with a partner who's having fun as well.

As much as I love my husband, sometimes I rebel against the idea that I will be cut off from the pleasures of the flesh for the rest of my life. Lately I have found myself wondering whether it would be possible to occasionally seek them elsewhere, and whether I would be such a very bad person if I were to do so. I am not interested in strangers, drama, or unnecessary risk, but my husband occasionally travels on business, and I have fantasized about having a discreet and trusted friend whom I could visit during the odd intervals when he's away. I have only a small circle of friends where I live at present, and I don't think there's anyone locally who would be both interested and sufficiently well-known to me, but I have an old friend back in my hometown whom I could at least see once or twice a year when I visit my family. I've known him since grade school and would trust him completely. He's habitually unattached -- so I wouldn't be infringing on a wife or a girlfriend -- and he's fond enough of me that he would never do anything to hurt me or jeopardize my marriage. (Although he's not fond enough of me to get hurt. We were friends with benefits back before the phrase was invented, but there's no greater spark between us.) I haven't even hinted at this to him, but I'll be visiting my hometown in a few months and would like to make up my mind in advance.

My husband is handling a deeply painful disability with more grace and patience than I would have thought possible. I love and admire him for it, and for many other things, and I have no intention of leaving him. But it's hard for me too, and sometimes the years stretching ahead look very bleak. I never thought I would seriously contemplate breaking my vows, but I also never thought I'd be in an essentially sexless marriage before I was 40. MeFites, have any of you been in a similar situation? If you were in my position, would you do it?

Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

My wife had cybersex with someone else. What should I do?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 May 2009 09:43:41 -0800

My wife had cybersex with someone else. What should I do? Unbeknownst to me, my wife has been having cybersex with random people on Yoville, an avatar-driven chat room thing. I don't have a Yoville account, nor do I want one. I don't feel like I have the time. She and I have been married for about three years. We have two little kids, both of whom take up the rest of my time when I am not at work. She stays home during the day and goes to community college a couple nights a week. She complains about not having a social life and goes out three or four times a month with girl friends to eat, see movies, go to shows. She says that I don't take her out enough. When I do take her out, it's not good enough. A couple days later she will complain about something I said or didn't say during the date. A couple days after that she will start asking to go out again and saying we never go out.

Things have actually been good between us lately. We had a rough patch through the winter and seemed to have survived it together for the better. About a week ago she bought some weed from a classmate. Last weekend she told me she was smoking weed late at night. Tuesday night she went out with a friend to see a movie after I got home from work. She came home at 11 and turned on the TV. I asked her to come to bed. She said she wasn't tired and slept on the couch. Wednesday morning I found a log on our computer of her Yoville chats. She has been inviting men into locked rooms and masturbating with them.

I was surprised. My wife is a very jealous person. If I don't come straight home from work she accuses me of f-ing someone else. If I'm unhappy with something she has done and I am critical of her she accuses me of f-ing someone else. If she calls me and I let it go to voicemail she accuses me of f-ing someone else.

She is obsessed with infidelity. Her ex-boyfriend apparently cheated on her and for doing so deserves to burn in hell. Her father cheated on her mother and caused them to be divorced. Early in our marriage, my wife told me she would kill me if there was someone else besides her. This was on a night when I was working late, or took too long at the grocery store, I can't remember.

On our son's first birthday, I went to the store to pick up his cake. I bought some picnic chairs and charcoal while I was there. It took about an hour. She accused me of seeing someone else.

We went to marriage counseling for a while and one of the things I complained about was constantly being accused of cheating. It is not normal. I have not ever cheated on her. Her dad told me that her mother did the same thing to him, for seventeen years, accused him of cheating on her. Then he did.

I have no desire to cheat on my wife. One wife, one woman and all of the struggle and problems that go along with a relationship are enough for me.

If we didn't have kids, things would be different. Clearly. But this is not a thought experiment. This is real life. What I think is best for the kids and her and me is that we find a way to stay together and take care of each other as best we can. I would rather make this work than see each of us live broken for the rest of our lives.

I see people with young children who live apart angry at each other. It looks like an awful alternative to the struggling, little family we have now.

So, things have been going well and for the last couple months my wife hasn't been accusing me, as much, of cheating on her.

Wednesday morning as I'm on my way out the door, wondering why she didn't sleep in the bed with me, I check the computer to see if she was up late screwing around on the internet. The browsing history in Safari was gone. She knows how to use the Private Browsing feature. Instead of doing that, she used Clear History.

She hadn't covered all of her tracks. I could see that she was, again, searching for her ex-boyfriend. She had done the same thing a couple months ago. I asked her about it and she first lied, then apologized. This, by her own admission, was a mistake; a violation of her own moral code.

Being the moral relativist that I am, I can only hope that each person holds themselves accountable for the mistakes they have made, as they define them. As I find someone whose sense of right and wrong agrees with mine, I begin to trust that person.

I don't know that searching for your ex-boyfriend on myspace is axiomatically right or wrong, or neither. It's probably neither. But in my wife's mind, it is wrong. She knows it and she tried to cover her tracks after doing it, again.

I can't even use myspace because my wife scours the pages of my friends and gets angry with me if another female has pictures of me on their page. Our first fight was about pictures of me on someone else's myspace page. Pictures that were taken and posted long before she had even met me. She harassed my friend until she deleted the pictures. These were pictures of me and her with arms around each other's shoulders. Harmless stuff, I thought. She didn't agree. I quit using myspace.

I look a little more deeply in the history on our computer and I am shocked. Chat logs of her talking about sex on Yoville with random men. It was like that scene in a movie where the horizontal and the vertical sway back and forth and blur. I couldn't believe it. Here she is asleep in our house and I'm in the kitchen reading what she was writing that night she stayed up smoking weed. Asking some guy if he likes oral sex.

I keep reading. The log goes back for months. Beginning at the end of March onward, on multiple occasions, she had cybersex with random men. The meetings appeared random, but she would maintain cyber contact with them. One guy stopped responding, but she would leave notes on his cyber door asking him how he was doing.

This situation is so unique and bizarre to me, I have no idea what to do. No background experience to draw upon for guidance. No one I know to whom I feel I can turn for advice. It's embarrassing for me, and in the context of our lives together, just plain weird.

That being said, these trysts seem to have remained online and not progressed into IRL affairs. But I don't know. The sight of what I have seen has spread uncertainty throughout my mind as I think about my relationship with my wife. If this is possible, what isn't?

Wednesday night she came home high and drunk from school and started badgering me about why I was being so quiet. She knows something is wrong. I have not told her what I found. I have been a bit withdrawn for a couple days.

Please help me understand this situation and advise me as to what best I should do.

RelationshipFilter: She had an affair. I caught her. We're working it out. This sucks. I need help.

Sock!Puppet! — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:45:41 -0800

RelationshipFilter: She had an affair. I caught her. We're working it out. This sucks. I need help. Very Long Post of Drama. It's unfortunate that (1) this kind of question gets asked all the time and (2) these situations all feel so unique to the participants, because I concede there's a certain amount of sameness that can get fatiguing. That being said, I appreciate in advance those of you interested in not only reading my story, but offering such wisdom as you might wish.

Here are the facts, as close as I can relay them and protect anonymity:

We'll call my wife Liz, and my name might be Ryan. We've been married for 13 years. We're in our middle 30s and have 3 kids, between 4 and 10. Generally, we're happy.

6 months ago, her high school boyfriend, let's say he's Jeff, her first true love, pinged her on FaceBook to reconnect. It's been almost 2 decades since we all graduated, we're adults, etc., so I pushed aside my unease and didn't object to the communication. (I know, I know, hindsight is 20/20, but I didn't want to be The Jealous Husband. I still don't.) Over the course of the winter, the length of their online chats got longer, but there was never a hint that there was anything more going on. In February, Liz took the kids and went to visit her parents in their hometown (3 hours from here); I didn't join them because I had to work my second job. During the course of that visit Liz had a friendly lunch with Jeff, at IHOP, with all three kids in tow. I asked her about it later and she said it was a little weird, but pleasant. "He's not really comfortable around kids, so he was a little awkward, but it was nice to see him again."

Liz has had lingering doubts about why the relationship ended all those years ago; Jeff went away for military service shortly out of high school, met someone else, and bailed out on Liz without notice. She had spent the recent months asking questions about the whys and whats, and learning more and more that the end of the relationship wasn't her fault, that he chickened out and succumbed to temptation. Jeff has had a tough go of it, struggling with depression and addiction. He flunked out of the military because he was bipolar, and he's on a chemical soup of medications. That being said, Liz was really happy to have reconnected and become friends again. She really valued Jeff's friendship and was glad to put old ghosts and self-doubt to rest.

I work 2 jobs to make ends meet. Our kids are in private school that we can't afford. During the day, I work in business to business sales which hasn't been going very well with the economy in the tank, so at night I deliver pizza. I've been working an average of 12-14 hours a day during the week, and 6-10 hours on weekend nights. So, while I'm out and about delivering pizza, Liz has had ample opportunity to spend time online with Jeff.

Here's where it gets sticky.

I've never trusted his intentions. I've never been comfortable with the way he treated Liz all those years ago, even though I didn't meet her until well into college. I was concerned that they were spending so much time online together, so I activated the logging capability in her IM client, and from time to time I would peruse the chat histories to see what was up. Totally innocuous; he's a baseball fan, so they'd talk about that, or what friends from high school they were in touch with, or what the kids were doing, how his new job is going, what does he think of that cute girl at the mall, whatever. I felt guilty as hell the entire time, spying on my wife. But I couldn't shake it, couldn't stay away. Then, she went back to her parents' with the kids for Easter weekend (again, I had to work) and when she got back, all of the chat histories were deleted, and the log function had been disabled. Alarm bells started going off; what did she have to hide?

That was the weekend of April 12th. I kept my cool as long as I could, then on the 18th I downloaded and installed logKext to capture keystrokes. All I got was her side of the conversation, and I also got all of the [del][del][del] typos, and the [up][up][down][left][left][left] etc. of my oldest child playing games, but I was able to decipher the gibberish and ...

Nothing.

Not a sniff of suspicion from her that she was being monitored, not a sniff of inappropriate behavior, at least for a day or two.

Then on Thursday April 23rd, Liz asked Jeff if he thought she should record and post online masturbation pornography. I couldn't see his response, but I flipped out a little - that definitely crossed a big fat comfort line. I still didn't feel strongly enough about it to tip my hand that I had been spying on her. I still felt like my sin was worse.

On Friday, April 24th, I called home around 10:00 PM to say "hello" while I'm on a pizza run and Liz sounded distracted. Not unpleasant, just not really present. I immediately suspected she was online with Jeff. I chose not to say anything and let her go, but I had a hard time waiting for her to go to sleep before I checked the log. There, in blinding black and white:

"By the way, it occurred to me that I probably shouldn't give you head."

and then, later on:

"so I was thinking perhaps an inexpensive nightly place rather than seedy hourly"
[Jeff's response, invisible to me]
"ok good"
[Jeff's response, invisible to me]
"sounds good"
[Jeff's response, invisible to me]
"perhaps by then I'll have money to pitch in"

and finally, the kicker:

"do you think about what we'll do when we are alone together?"

And my heart caved in, and my world started to collapse. This wasn't fantasizing, or cyber sex, this was concrete plans and preparation. It was 2 o'clock in the morning, and I was so full of adrenaline that sleep was impossible. So I keep going back and reading the log over and over, trying to glean additional detail.

I decided I really wanted to see his side. I wanted to get the whole picture, I was scheduled to work the following night, and I knew that while I was gone and the kids were asleep they would be online together so I went to the trouble of downloading a more sophisticated system monitor, that would capture full chat logs, website URLs, and screen shots invisibly. I got it all set up, tested, erased my tracks, tried to sleep, nothing.

By 8 AM I'd given up, and just waited. I was going to keep my cool, I wasn't going to let on that anything was amiss. At 10:00 AM when Liz woke up and smiled at me, I lost it. I've never been so angry and so terrified at the same time. I fought through about 40 pounds of adrenaline slamming through me and opened the conversation by apologizing in advance for spying on her, then confronting her with what I'd found.

Liz: "You're right. We've been planning to get together and have sex."

So.

We have spent the last 10 days in intense conversation.

I have learned that she first proposed a sexual encounter the Saturday night in February after they met for lunch. If an opportunity had presented itself (some way for her to get her parents to take care of the kids without giving herself away) she would have gone through with it.

I have learned that she never intended to leave me, that it would have been an ego boost for her and a sympathy fuck for him. That she knew if I ever found out it would kill me. That she thought she could get away with it and live with the aftermath, whatever it would be.

I have learned that I underestimated her capacity for deceit, as she underestimated mine. She was selectively deleting incriminating chat logs, leaving the innocuous details for me to observe. She never thought I'd go so far as to install a keystroke logger.

Even so, I love her very much, and we want to stay married.

We've been learning a lot about ourselves and each other. We've grown (unimaginable as it might seem) closer together. She has cut off all contact with Jeff, at my request. They never had an opportunity to consummate the relationship, so at the very least she has been sexually faithful if not emotionally. I'll say again, we want very much to stay married. We've engaged our marriage counsellor for assistance with the crisis, and she recommended an excellent book called "After the Affair," Amazon link here if you'd like to learn more or think you might need a copy.

One of the chapters is about rebuilding trust, and the author describes "low-cost behaviors" and "high-cost behaviors," things that the couple needs to define for themselves that would help to rebuild trust. Low-cost behaviors might be something like "call me to let me know where you are several times a day" or "tell me frequently how much you love me." High-cost behaviors might be more like "Fire your secretary, sell the house, and move with me to another city."

Interestingly, the book describes low-cost behaviors as a mutual effort, but the high-cost behaviors are the responsibility of the unfaithful partner alone. They are the sacrificial, expensive gestures to demonstrate the relationship is worth investing in and saving.

So, I'd like some ideas about what might be considered high-cost behaviors.

Advice to DTMFA will be politely ignored. We want to stay married.

Advice to seek counseling will ... well, we're already in counseling, and will also be seeing therapists individually to work on our own issues.

Otherwise, the floor is open. I set up this sock puppet account so that if you have questions, we can entertain a dialogue, and so I can come back in the months ahead with updates as events warrant. If you're not comfortable posting here, you can use sock.puppet.615@gmail.com

Thanks in advance, everyone.

Should I try to date him or is it already too messy?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:47:51 -0800

Should I try to date him or is it already too messy? I've recently learned that a casual friend (Person A) is attracted to me. While I don't feel the same way (I feel neutral about it), I'm not averse to a couple dates to see if my interest is piqued.

However . . . I have a bit of a history with one of his friends (Person B). This is not something anyone knows. This friend is in a relationship and even if he wasn't, I'd be unlikely to pursue something. But I am maddeningly attracted to him and have enabled him in a few instances of infidelity. I'm not trying to explain or condone my decisions, it is what it is.

Person A, from what I know of him, is funny and intelligent and sometimes kind of an ass. Whether he is the kind of an ass I can accept in a relationship (dating or more significant) has yet to be decided. I guess the only way to find out is to date him. I'm not terrifically carnally attracted to him (unlike my feelings for Person B who I'd spend a week in bed with), but that often changes when I get to know someone.

But I'm hesitant. I'm a bit blase about fidelity (I try to remain faithful, but don't beat myself up if I slip as I have a couple times) and to be honest, I'm not sure that I wouldn't slip with Person B. If I started dating Person A, I don't know that Person B would see that as a boundary, frankly. The possibility of our hooking-up would likely be the same as with me being single. Or maybe not because there's a friend involved (bros before hos?)

I guess I'm worried about my track record and Person B's track record and how it could affect Person A if (hypothetically) the dates lead to something significant. Like I said, I'm neutral about Person A, but I'd like to give him a chance since I like him as a person and he's put himself out there, which I think is commendable and scary.

But is there already too much to navigate? I mean, I'm never certain that I have the capacity to be faithful, but I usually don't let that stop me from dating. I go with it, try to be good, deal with consequences if I have to (it's happened far less than I make it sound, but it has happened). But A and B are friends.

My indiscretions with B have been infrequent, but there was a recent makeout, the day before A asked me out. If it hadn't been for that, I would have accepted a date, no questions asked.

Does the potential bad outweigh the potential good of dating person A? Or should I just go for it?

(We're all in our late 20s/early 30s. I'd rather not have lectures about the wrongness of hooking up with someone in a relationship. There's a throwaway notmadamebovary@gmail.com for those who want it).

Recommendations for films about infidelity

Conductor71 — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 11:59:08 -0800

Have you seen any really depressing films about infidelity, jealousy and heartbreak? I recently suffered some especially grievous heartbreak. I want to take advantage of the self-pitying stage to indulge in some really miserable films*, before moving on with my life.

Anyone got any suggestions for films that involve cheating, heartbreak, rejection etc.? Especially ones without a happy ending.

I'm not familiar with the work of Ingmar Bergman, but I've heard his oeuvre would be good for a wallow. Agree?

*(brief relationshipfilter aside: is this a really bad idea?)

"... and I thought I'd never find a guy as great as my dad."

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:07:32 -0800

I found out that my dad cheated on my mom, and that my parents are dealing with his infidelity. They don't know I know. I don't want to tell them. In fact, I'd love to forget it. But I can't stop thinking about it and am having trouble sleeping. I need some tools to deal. While using my mom's computer, I went into her Internet history to delete the MetaFilter stuff that showed up, thinking my life would be easier if she didn't have easy access to my username on this site. I see pages upon pages of a Surviving Infidelity site she visits. I don't stop myself and continue to scroll through the history of sites, topic pages, and Google searches until I conclude that at some point my father had an affair, my mother knows, and they are weathering this together. (I manage to not actually open any URLs.)

My parents have been happily married and very in love my whole life. I understand marriages are complicated and that this isn't any of my business. I'm 27, and although my parents are a really big part of my life, I understand that it would be better if I can just forget having seen it. I'm trying. I haven't shared this with my sibling or with any friends. It feels gossipy and I feel protective of my folks. I most certainly don't plan on asking my parents about it.

It's just that I think about it a lot and am having trouble sleeping. For the last year and a half or so, I've been reeling from the revelation that my long-term partner had cheated on me throughout our crappy 4-year relationship. I didn't find out until many months after we broke up and the knowledge really shook me to my core. Now, just as I was starting to feel less broken about that, I learn this. I've always idealized my parent's union. And I can't tell you how much I adore my father. I'm so angry to see this side of him; and that's all wrapped up, of course, with the anger I felt towards my ex. I've found it very difficult to see Dad or spend time with him, and I don't think my shortness goes unnoticed. Every time he hugs me, I want to cry.

Can I let it go? Do I let it go? How? I live nearby and we see each other often, sometimes weekly. I just want to be able to move forward and keep loving my dad. Having my faith restored in the possibility of long-term monogamy would be nice, but I'm also very open to suggestions that maybe that really isn't possible and I need to start re-defining what I think I want from my relationships.

I'm sorry for the length. Basically, it feels like I am going to stew in this for awhile, so it'd be nice to have some on-topic books or articles to read so I can understand all of the feelings I'm experiencing better. Any other insights and perspective any of you have to offer will also be much appreciated.

Lie by omission, does it break trust?

ibakecake — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:31:57 -0800

I really have no logical basis for being so sad/mad at my boyfriend yet I am still upset. I don't want to be upset. I would call it a lie of omission, but I just wish that I never knew. Situation enclosed. Currently: My boyfriend is in the service and has been away for 6 weeks, now we are supposed to move together. I have already left where we lived together to stay with my family (thousands of miles from there) and am currently waiting for him to pick me up and make the trip to our new home. However he needs to go and sign some papers back where we lived and stay for a week there before he sees me.
Why this bothers me:
During the period when I first started going on dates with my current boyfriend (9 months ago) the following situation occurred: He slept with some other chick. Okay. Later without knowing this I befriended her and we would all hang out together. I have found this out nine months later. I don't want to look at or speak with her.

Now that he has to go spend time in that geographic area without me I am uncomfortable with that notion. Prior to finding this out I had not even considered the notion of infidelity, but now since this information was withheld I am sad and uncertain.

The Ex-Files

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:27:15 -0800

How do continuing relationships with opposite sex friends (and some former lovers) affect one's primary relationship? Can these relationships negatively impact the SO relationship even though there is no desire on either SO's part to cheat? I am in a relationship where we both maintain friendships with members of the opposite sex. We both have had minor bouts of jealousy and have openly shared them. I am trying to create and maintain the most healthy relationship that I can with my SO and am curious about these issues.

Are these relationship potentially threatening to the primary relationship in that time, attention and emotional closeness is directed outside of the relationship. I am looking for insights on this issue generally. Do exes pose more potential threats than opposite sex friends that have always been just friends? Does the frequency of communication raise any red flags, i.e. daily calls/texts/emails? What about if one SO is mostly excluded from the relationship with the ex/opposite sex friend? What if you are unsure of the friend's motivations? What about limitations on physical contact? What is your comfort level? What if you and your SO do not see eye to eye on what is appropriate--are there legitimate compromises?

I recently read an article about emotional infidelity and it raises the issue that these relationships can be damaging and almost always start out innocently enough. The article goes on to discuss that these relationships should be severely limited --i.e. no friendly hugs, no discussions beyond just basic pleasantries. The main point was that these relationships direct energy away from the primary relationship. Is this position too extreme or does it make a legitimate point?

Any personal experiences, opinions or thoughts are appreciated.

Darling, I have something to tell you...

Xurando — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:28:15 -0800

Help identify memoirs or other writings which have dialogue in which one spouse informs another of their infidelity or in which the injured spouse reacts to the others infidelity. In response to recent news stories, I am trying to get a sense of the language one uses when informing their spouse they have been unfaithful. I am also looking for what sort of verbal response the other souse may have when informed of infidelity. I am interested primarily in examples from memoirs but will be satisfied with good examples from literature.

My best friend's girl on my other best friend's knee

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 23:23:40 -0800

So I saw a best friend's leg adorned by another best friend's fiance's hand. This is not the first time I have witnessed this, but it is the first I have independent verification. I have mentioned that I saw this to the leg'ed friend. He claims it would be rude to refuse. I asked about how rude it would be to her fiance if he found out. Awkwardness ensued. Both these guys were groomsmen at my wedding, I love and trust the both dearly. Where do I go from here?