Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with infidelity

The Ex-Files

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:27:15 -0800

How do continuing relationships with opposite sex friends (and some former lovers) affect one's primary relationship? Can these relationships negatively impact the SO relationship even though there is no desire on either SO's part to cheat? I am in a relationship where we both maintain friendships with members of the opposite sex. We both have had minor bouts of jealousy and have openly shared them. I am trying to create and maintain the most healthy relationship that I can with my SO and am curious about these issues.

Are these relationship potentially threatening to the primary relationship in that time, attention and emotional closeness is directed outside of the relationship. I am looking for insights on this issue generally. Do exes pose more potential threats than opposite sex friends that have always been just friends? Does the frequency of communication raise any red flags, i.e. daily calls/texts/emails? What about if one SO is mostly excluded from the relationship with the ex/opposite sex friend? What if you are unsure of the friend's motivations? What about limitations on physical contact? What is your comfort level? What if you and your SO do not see eye to eye on what is appropriate--are there legitimate compromises?

I recently read an article about emotional infidelity and it raises the issue that these relationships can be damaging and almost always start out innocently enough. The article goes on to discuss that these relationships should be severely limited --i.e. no friendly hugs, no discussions beyond just basic pleasantries. The main point was that these relationships direct energy away from the primary relationship. Is this position too extreme or does it make a legitimate point?

Any personal experiences, opinions or thoughts are appreciated.

Darling, I have something to tell you...

Xurando — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:28:15 -0800

Help identify memoirs or other writings which have dialogue in which one spouse informs another of their infidelity or in which the injured spouse reacts to the others infidelity. In response to recent news stories, I am trying to get a sense of the language one uses when informing their spouse they have been unfaithful. I am also looking for what sort of verbal response the other souse may have when informed of infidelity. I am interested primarily in examples from memoirs but will be satisfied with good examples from literature.

My best friend's girl on my other best friend's knee

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 23:23:40 -0800

So I saw a best friend's leg adorned by another best friend's fiance's hand. This is not the first time I have witnessed this, but it is the first I have independent verification. I have mentioned that I saw this to the leg'ed friend. He claims it would be rude to refuse. I asked about how rude it would be to her fiance if he found out. Awkwardness ensued. Both these guys were groomsmen at my wedding, I love and trust the both dearly. Where do I go from here?

Help me figure out what to do about my relationship.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:49 -0800

Help me sort out my feelings about the relationship I’m in because I just can’t seem to figure it out. (long and complicated - sorry!) (I apologize in advance for the length and thank anyone who can actually read the whole thing and offer some insight.)

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I’m 25 and she’s 28. We are the somewhat stereotypical lesbian relationship: we met while we were in (unsatisfying) relationships with other people, left our respective partners to be together, became attached at the hip early on (once we started officially seeing each other we did not spend one night apart…. hardly ever), moved across the country together after only dating for six months, and now we live in a big city in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with a dog. We don’t have a lot of friends outside the relationship (a problem we’ve always recognized but never truly tried to fix) and we’re both homebodies for the most part. We even have lunch together almost every day during the week since our offices are close by. Most of the time, this is all okay and even great. I love spending time with her and never get sick of just “hanging out” with her.

When we first met, the sparks and chemistry and intensity was incredible. I have never felt that before in my life. In my heart, I truly felt that this is the person I want to spend my life with; this is the person that I want to grow old with. We connect in ways that I never connected with anyone – intellectually and otherwise.

After about six months to a year (shortly after moving in together), our sex life started to fizzle (think lesbian bed death syndrome). Then she told me that she has memories of being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, mostly the former. Her father was the source of her physical abuse, possibly the sexual abuse as well. In addition, her mother is completely in denial about any of the abuse taking place and has been the cause of my girlfriend having multiple emotional breakdowns since she has started to come to grips with her past abuse. She is in therapy and taking steps to heal and move past the abuse, but I believe it will be a long arduous process. I have done some reading about surviving abuse and the effects on intimate relationships and I won’t lie – I’m scared sh*tless. I’m worried that I am in a relationship that will never ever have satisfying sex again, that my girlfriend will always be the victim when we have arguments and use her past abuse as an excuse for her behavior, and I’m worried that I’ve gotten myself into something I don’t know how to handle.

Our sexual pattern goes something like this: I will initiate sex, usually in a nonverbal way like kissing her, and she will make it apparent that she isn’t interested. I feel disappointed, back down, and then later (either 10 minutes later or two days later, it doesn’t matter), SHE will initiate sex, usually verbally by asking me if I am interested. I generally accept the invitation, we have sex, and then we don’t have sex again for a while (this varies, lately the time between sex has been about two to four weeks). Tonight I told her that this pattern wasn’t working for me anymore, that I don’t like always being rejected only to be invited to have sex later on. Of course this is a control issue. She told me that she needs me to verbally ask her permission before doing anything physical with her – that she doesn’t like it when I start to kiss her, take her belt off, whatever it might be. I obliged to this request, but I feel like it is insane. I don’t know if I can have a sexual relationship with someone who needs me to spell out exactly what I want to do before I do it… like I need to get her to sign an imaginary permission slip before I’m allowed to make love to her. Besides making me feel like a pawn, it completely takes the spontaneity out of sex and kind of makes me not want to do it in the end.

Sometimes I really don’t even want to have sex with her because it is so predictable, so vanilla… I want her to take charge once and a while and do something crazy or different. But she’s only interested in nice, calm, Sarah McLachlan-y sex. Anything else freaks her out (including toys, different positions, etc.). She’s always worried that things will “trigger” her, which I respect and understand… it’s just incredibly disappointing.

Here’s the part where I make my big confession… I have been a less than stellar girlfriend in the faithfulness department. In the past year and a half I have cheated on her with three different people… two of those three people were ongoing affairs that lasted several months. They didn’t mean anything to me past the sex they provided… I was just so incredibly frustrated by the lack of sex in my relationship and so eager to find out what I was missing. They were fun, but that was it – I wasn’t in love with any of them, nor was I interested in prolonging the affairs past their prime. I ended things with the two ongoing people early this year and don’t intend to have any repeat performances. Yes, I got tested and everything was negative re STDs. My guilt was enough to make me realize that it was a mistake. I don’t know why I did it, really… but I think maybe I was just sabotaging this relationship because I’m so worried about the issues she has and the issues we have together. And I thought “oh, I’m young, I shouldn’t be sexless,” etc. etc. Stupid, yes. But it’s over and done with. And she doesn’t know what happened – I decided it would be a horrible idea to tell her because she’s already dealing with enough.

One of the reasons I don’t have a lot of platonic friends outside my relationship with my girlfriend is that I think I tend to sexualize friendships. That’s a different issue for a different post, but I felt I needed to say it here. Maybe one of the reasons I do it is because I feel very sexually repressed and I am subconsciously looking for an outlet in everyone that I meet. Generally, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t make much effort to have a friendship with them and we lose touch. Weird, yes.

Sometimes, crazy as it may seem, we have this seemingly perfect life together… we’re thinking about the future together and where we might be living in the next year (we might be moving out of the area so she can pursue grad school), and I’m always imagining the house we’ll live in and the life we can build together. But are my hopes for our future overshadowing the problems in our relationship, and is going along with whatever she wants when she wants it just going to dig me in deeper to issues that I am not prepared to deal with?

We went to couples therapy once last year and it was absolutely not helpful for me. Partly because our therapist had this “I don’t keep secrets” policy, so I could never tell her about my infidelities if I wanted her to keep them confidential. But also because I have a hard time talking about serious stuff face to face with a total stranger. Hence the AskMe post.

I feel as though there is a lot more to mention here that I am neglecting to include… mostly I just worry about being the constantly supportive girl in the relationship while my needs are being pushed aside because hers are more important… something like that.

Help?

Once a cheater, always a cheater

confused1965 — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 09:07:56 -0800

Once a cheater always a cheater? I will not go into details much. My bf cheated on me again. I lost tracked how many times now for the past 2 years. His explanationn is that when he gets pissed off at me, he tends to want to contact his exes and communicate with them. So far, he has been caught texting them, emails, phone calls. Nothing that proves that he met with them. But still, its betraying the trust and its cheating. I gave him another chance but it hurts whenever I remember the betrayals and just thinking that he cheats. I love him. I know I do. But I keep forgiving him. I cant help it. Is there anybody out here who went through this kind of relationship or going through it right now? Once a cheater always a cheater, is this true?

Help me keep my hands to myself.

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 06:59:01 -0800

For the first time in the 3 years I've been with my fiancé, I'm irresistably attracted to someone else. Of course, I have to work with the object of my lust. I've just started a new job, and I've become overwhelmingly attracted to the guy who is training me. Besides his physical attributes, his personality and interests mesh well with mine and we have a lot of non-work-related conversations. My attraction is so strong that I have a hard time concentrating on my work.

This has totally taken me by surprise because I am very happy and in love with my partner. We've had the normal ups and downs of any relationship, but at the end of the day I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have zero intention of cheating on him. I have never betrayed him in the slightest.

Before meeting my fiance, I do have a rather sordid history of pursuing all the wrong guys - married men, my supervisors at work, etc. I definitely lack self-control in this area.

Though my coworker definitely likes my personality, I don't think my physical attraction is recriprocated, so I don't foresee him doing anything inappropriate. (Also, he's married, apparently happily.) I have to talk to him many times a day for work-related reasons (plus our cubicles are next to each other), but I want to make sure that I don't cross any lines. How can I keep myself out of danger here? How can I get through the day without these constant fantasies driving me crazy?

Must I jettison Jezebel?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 07:04:22 -0800

Should I be worried about my boyfriend and his smokin' hot new female roommate? Who has a tendency to sleep with her roommates regardless of their relationship status? So I've got this new boyfriend, who is pretty much the bee's knees in my eyes. We've only been together a few months, the power dynamic seems equal enough, the sex is amazing and frequent, and even though we are total opposites (he's a cute frat boy jock and I've always been "that cool sarcastic girl" with her nose in a book who could stand to lose ten pounds) things have been going really well and I think I'm falling for him big time. He has frequently assured me -without me even once having to ask for assurances- that he is very into our relationship and has no interest in breaking up. However.

A few weeks ago he had a friend-of-a-friend move in to his place-- a gorgeous ex-sorority girl jock-ette, who shares far more of his interests than I do and, if I can just emphasize this-- looks like she could pose for Maxim. And he "loves her to death," always talking about what a great roommate she is, often inviting her along with us on dates because she doesn't really have her own friends yet, cooks her dinner when she's had a rough day, calls her daily to 'check in,' etc. He never knew her til she moved in, and now she's one of his posse. True my boyfriend is a super nice feller.. but this is starting to worry me.

And here's the kicker. The friend who introduced Senora Hottie to my BF told my BF and I that Senora Hottie slept with her last male roommate, even though he had a girlfriend at the time. And my BF rushed to her defense, saying "well it's great that she is still able to be friends with the guy, and that she didn't get weird or hurt when he returned to his real GF." Which I thought was an odd thing to say.

Basically I don't know whether I'm being crazy or rational to worry about the two of them alone in the house together all the time. I never ever play the role of typical insecure new girlfriend to his face, but inside I'm, of course, a typical insecure new girlfriend. There is no way in hell I would ever let him know I was jealous or insecure about her because I very much want to trust him and be cool with it. But I've been cheated on in the recent past by a long term boyfriend and I really don't want to experience that again.

Strangely in spite of all this, I genuinely LIKE her. She's not the smartest or most unique girl on the block but she is peppy and fun and has never been anything but friendly to me. And part of me thinks maybe he'd be better off dating someone like her over someone like me who is so different from the girls he usually dates. (Who.. um.. are just like her.)

So what should I do? Is this a ticking time bomb or just a case of me needing to chill out and trust this guy? If only I knew what he was capable of, I wouldn't have to ask the ask.me community. Suggestions or anecdotal experiences are much appreciated!

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

Adulterous friend, wife suspects, I know ... What to do?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 22:42:55 -0800

A friend I've had for many years cheated on his wife while visiting my house 1000 miles from his home. She has always been very kind to me and I regard her as a dear friend. They have a less than one year old baby. She called me and wants to know what these odd cell phone calls on his phone were during his visit. What should I do? He comes from a sick family with one brother who drank himself to death, one who's in and out of rehab, and another who's wife and baby just left him after one too many nights of cocaine use. My friend drinks, but not often. He's never hit anyone to the best of my knowledge.

We were out at a bar, we met and talked with some girls, and then he and I went home to pass out. At 3AM he had a booty call from someone we met that night, we argued about his leaving, I tackled him, threw his rental car keys in the alley behind the house, and went to pass out. I was drunk at the time as well. He found the keys, made it to her place, and had sex with her. The next day we didn't talk much. He made some comments about not being able to wash the dirt off and I bitched about him putting this huge thing in the middle of our relationship. I realized he had brought condoms with him to my house, so it was clearly on his mind. He did mention a bit later that the girl had been calling him after he returned home.

If she's closely checking the cell phone records I assume she suspects something. I don't know much about their home life these days as I haven't been to visit in a year or more.

I figure I can tell her the truth, lie, or not talk to her/them ever again.

I don't want to bring the news that he cheated on her because they've got a new baby and there's always a chance they could work it out. I don't want to lie to her because she's never done anything but be nice to me. I believe its something he'll do again, if he doesn't do it on a regular basis. I've not asked him about that though.

I'm leaning towards not talking to them until he gets caught some other way as it seems like hes done something to break three relationships rather than one. If he cheated, told me about it, and it wasn't while staying at my house I'd still be mad at him for the same reason. If she already knew about it I'd try and be a friend to both of them. I don't know how I can do that without blurting it out whenever I see her or talk to her.

Any suggestions on what to do?

Sue infidels lover?

overweightgeek — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 02:44:11 -0800

Question about infidelity? My spouse recently disclosed an emotional affair with a coworker that has been escalating for the last few months. There hasn't been any sexual contact so far but there is a fear that it's not far off. She wants to end the affair and has told the lover many times to back off. He basically ignores her and continues to persue, recently telling her he loved her etc. She is afraid of repercussions if she were to file a sexual harassment claim, and she also says she doesn't want to destroy his career. Unforuntately we can't afford for her to leave her job (government employee) and she can't avoid seeing him at least for a couple hours each week. There involvement is becoming workplace knowledge so I am expecting it to get easier for her to claim harassment. It's my understanding that once she told him to back off he is legally in violation if he continues to pursue. My question is can I sue him for trying to break up my marriage and my family, if so what grounds?

figuring out what he needs and why

stormygrey — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 14:56:10 -0800

How do you honestly regain trust in your partner? My partner has issues, I was going to list them, but the litany would be boring to most. Suffice to say that he needs an unnatural amount of reassurance. I think this stems from some abandoment issuses from his godawful parents. This leads to him behaving in inappropriate ways toward females on the internet. It makes him feel wanted when some stranger comes on to him.

I know he has actually cheated on me once, he is appropriately saddened and dismayed by his actions, but says he doesn't know what to do about it. He professses that he wants to change, but says that he just "falls" into this illicit conversations.

He ends up lying to me about what kind of conversations he is having and then will end up falling asleep at the computer , leaving some heartbreaking conversation up. I feel bad for "snooping" he feels bad, but I always wonder if only feels bad because I found out again.

So how do we heal? How do we figure out what it is that he is missing and then find out if it is honestly something that I can provide. Monogamy is the ONLY option for me. I know that other people are ok with open relationships and need outside affection, if this is what he needs, I can't give it to him.

Is this what couple's thearpy is for? How do you find a couple's therpaist.

A married friend hit on me. Why can't I stop thinking about him?

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 15:48:20 -0800

A married friend hit on me. Why can't I stop thinking about him? A married friend of mine hit on me while he was drunk at a party. He wasn't falling over drunk, but drunk nonetheless. He put his hand on my knee, looked at me longingly, and told me he felt a connection. He repeatedly told me how nice he thought I was. I did not return his advances, changed the subject quickly, and avoided him for the rest of the evening. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. It's pathetic, but somehow I feel flattered. I would NEVER engage in any kind of affair with a married man, but I have been daydreaming about this guy a lot. It's just a crush that will go away eventually. I can't help but to wonder if he engages in this kind of behavior on a regular basis, or does he honestly feel a "connection" with me? Can alcohol make a married man hit on another woman?

How do I deal with my anger over cheating?

Brainy — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 07:40:10 -0800

My girlfriend cheated. We're separated now. What do I do with this anger? My (ex) girlfriend has been cheating on me since October. I confronted her about it many times, but all my evidence was circumstancial and only pointed to lesser crimes. I was put into awkward situations (like providing a ride to her house for him) under the guise of "just friendship". She never admitted it until I pulled out the printout of the conversation I had with him on Trillian. (he admitted it because he thought we were no longer together).

She has been crying non-stop, and I do truly believe she is sorry. If that makes a difference or not ultimately....well, we'll just have to see. We've briefly considered getting back together after a healing period, and right now, that's where we stand...hopeful. I feel like if we get together or not has a lot to do with how much we heal and I'm not placing bets either way. I tend to waver in my emotions from minute to minute.

So, since we're not talking, I'm unable to yell & scream & curse at her, and don't feel that's the best idea anyway. She cheated because of quite a few neurosis (it seems) that she is seeking help for and telling her what I think of her would be like kicking a broken puppy...and possibly setting her back quite a bit in her already low self esteem.

But the problem is, I'll remember Event A where I was lied to and just make the connection now, or I'll re-remember how it was when I was doing B and it'll all seem so fresh and I just want to...react somehow. But I don't know how.

The only outlet my anger seeks is to tell her, hurt her with what she's done and that is not healthy, wouldn't help much and we're not talking anyway.

I'm not the sorta guy to scream and punch things so that doesn't seem to feel right, and it can strike at anytime, anywhere. How do I deal with that anger when I'm feeling it?

Playing Magnum P.I.

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Dec 2005 23:24:13 -0800

Distilled: I want to know how to legally gather information on somebody. Expounded: Many moons ago, my parents had a serious row with infidelity when my stepfather admitted to a long-term affair. After much counseling, they were able to save their 15 year marriage, and in time seemed closer and happier than ever before. It was the sort of story that gave people some hope for humanity and renewed faith in the ability of people to make good. Now -- 8 years later -- the specter rears its head again... Here's the lowdown:
My mother began to get suspicious that my father was cheating again when he got direct deposit at his job, and she noticed that the deposits on their bank statement just listed as "ATM Deposit," while hers from her job listed the company.

She busted out the calculator, did a bit of math, and came to the conclusion that there was significantly less money in their account than should be for the number of hours my father was working.

Both being in the medical industry (he's a CRNA, she's a hospice nurse), they don't keep regular work schedules -- which makes it difficult to know when the other should be home without trusting what they say. However, she knows his rate, and the number of hours, and it wasn't adding up.

She found out that he had a PO Box that she was unaware of to which he was sending bills for a second mobile phone.

She logged on to their mobile service website (he usually took care of the bills, and did it all online), and found that for the past few months since she started her new job, he had made several calls and text messages to numbers that she didn't recognize -- numbers that were for unlisted mobile phones.

She asked me to help her out some, so I used some Google-fu to see what I could find about the numbers, and what I found made me ill. Several were for local strip clubs, and some were for escort agencies and independent escorts. Many more, I could find nothing about.

Ok, so now that the masses are filled in, the dilemma is thus: How to catch him without outside help? She has enough info that, given the past, she wants a divorce. However, she wants as much concrete info on paper about his activities as she can get, prior to going to a lawyer. She feels that he won't be honest if she just confronts him about what she's uncovered so far.

So how can she go about gathering information? What resources are there for looking up cell phone owners, for spouses accessing PO Boxes, etcetera? What are the suggestions from any MeFites who may be in the legal or law enforcement professions? Or private investigators?

She doesn't have a lot of cash to spend, and wants to handle most of her detective work herself.

Yeah, it's been a swell xmas.

How to fall out of love

luftmensch — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 09:06:51 -0800

I have no problems falling in love - it's falling out I need some help with. I fell for a guy over the internet 5 months ago, behind my boyfriend's back. We felt really strongly for each other (I think this might be an understatement), and a while ago he drove 600 miles to visit me. Everything went pretty well--no, I'm not pregnant or anything--but eventually I had to tell my boyfriend of nearly 4 years that I'd been living a lie. I've promised to stay with the boyfriend and break it off with the out-of-towner. After a self-imposed month of no communication, I thoguht it was maybe time to set on the road to being friends with him--I feel that the best thing that could come from this is he and I still being close friends, becuase I so very much want to be able to care about him. It was too soon, though, as I'd progressed much faster than he, sicne I had someone there for support when he did not. After a few exchanges it's become clear that I'm heading back where I started, and it feels like I've just wasted or undone a month. I'd like any advice you might have on how to break this off, specifically ways that could help him. I know I can deal with my own problems in the matter, and I want to help him, but his pain is too much for me to bare without falling back to him again. Just for clarification to this matter: we're both young college-age, although he isn't in college. He attempted suicide early in that month mentioned, and wasn't talked out of it so much as threatened out of it by a mutual internet friend (who was going to call the cops on him). I've also been rather suicidal, but I can't bring msyelf to cause that much mroe pain on the people I care about, even if it means I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. He still loves me and I still love him. And we need to stop.

(apologies - spell check doesn't seem to actually work. I tried to proofread best I can.)

Help me get over my guilt over a past infidelity!

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 05:17:17 -0800

How do I get over the guilt of having been (very) unfaithful to my loving wife, when she doesn't have any idea it happened? A few years ago, my wife got a great job offer several hundred miles away from where we were living, and we decided to move, as I didn't much like my job anyway. She moved, and I stayed behind so we could continue to have my income while I looked for a job near where we were moving.

I flew to visit her every couple of weeks, at which times I also went on as many interviews as I could get. I finally got a job and moved to join them after almost four months of looking.

During those months, though, I did a very, very bad thing. My wife and I had been having some issues in our marriage before the move, and being apart, especially with her stress from having to find a place for us to live while starting a new job, didn't help. I had a lot of free time, and unwisely started spending a lot of it hanging out with an old female friend of mine who'd recently split up with her husband, and with whom I'd had a fling back in 1995, before I was married to my wife.

I was lonely, she was lonely, and before either of us knew what was happening we were having a full-blown affair. I somehow managed to convince myself I was in love with her, and told her so, though I realize now that that was really my frustration and loneliness talking. Even after I moved to live with my wife, I e-mailed her poems, and went on walks after my wife was asleep so I could call her from my cell phone. Each time I came back to the area she lived, for a variety of legitimate reasons, over the next six months (four or five times), we slept together several times. My wife knew absolutely nothing about it.

She still knows nothing about it, and I have no intention of telling her. The woman with whom I had the affair has since gotten engaged to someone else, and I trust her to keep the secret. My wife and I have mostly fixed things up in our marriage, and are very happy together as much of the time as any married couple, I suspect, is.

But I'm still wracked with guilt, and don't know how to fix that. I'm happy with my wife now, but the knowledge of what I did still burns in the back of my head. Sometimes I feel like I should tell my wife, but then I think it through and don't see any good reason to do so—we're happy together now, so why ruin that by telling her about an affair that's over and will never be resurrected?

What can I do to ease my guilt? Do I even deserve to have my guilt eased, or am I too much of a jerk?

Dealing with small infidelity?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 May 2005 14:05:02 -0800

My relationship is wonderful. It's been a couple of years and we have big plans, a definitely long term view, get along perfectly, still have passion, all that... So why did I kiss a friend while really, really drunk the other night? And what should I do about it? Only the friend and I know about this. I think we're both really embarrassed and wish it had never happened. I am 100% certain it will never happen again. Certainly nothing has happened before.

Can I, therefore, just pretend it never happened? Never tell anyone? Unconfessed guilt as my punishment? Go on with my life unchanged? Is this kind of secret that will stay secret, or will it come out sometime, somehow?

If so, will the friend (a mutual friend of both my partner and I) be able to remain friends with us? I feel guilty about that, too.

Part of me thinks that the "right thing to do" would be to tell my partner, but if I did, I know it would just cause a world of problems that are completely avoidable. If our roles were reversed, I would not want to know, I think...

Well-spouse needs guidance.

Anonymous — Fri, 06 May 2005 04:01:37 -0800

Can I seek companionship outside my marriage and still respect myself in the morning? My husband and I, both in our late 30s, have been married for 12 years and have two children. Several years ago, he was diagnosed with a degenerative nerve condition and is currently wheelchair bound. Prior to his illness, he was a very competent and driven individual; this disease has robbed him of the ability to work or even affect the smallest of changes in his environment. I will say that I am lucky that he remains a pleasant person to be around in spite of his failing body.

I love him profoundly and would never dream of abandoning him--- and let me add that I would hate to cause him emotional pain-- but I am under the double weight of all my increased responsibilities plus the complete loss of the sexual side of our relationship.

What advice would you have for a woman who didn't realize how lucky she was to have an Alpha Male until she didn't have one any more? Furthermore, since AA-battery operated novelties are a piss-poor substitute for a sex life, what to do about that?

Can we save our marriage from my past infidelities?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 18:19:45 -0800

DivorceFilter: I've revealed some past infidelity (going on for at least five years with a number of men) to my husband and, being an engineer, he's googling the situation to try and find people that have gone through the same thing and kept their marriage together. He's looking for statistics/probability of marriage survival. He's only found people that have split up and are now bitching about their exs on boards. We're in couples therapy, I'm in individual therapy, he's getting some treatment but both of us have this "is it best to cut our losses?" feeling. There is a small child, a cute dog and an expensive house in the mix, besides a marriage now in its tenth year. Anyone have any ray of hope? Or, if not, advice on being friends and keeping this from damaging the elementary school-aged child?

Question number 13413

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:30:51 -0800

If you were cheated on and broken up with, would you want to know that you were cheated on or would ignorance be bliss?

Question number 11522

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:16:39 -0800

Dear Ask Mefi: How can two people who love each other get back together after a tragic breakup? She and I lived together for many years. The relationship ended because she cheated on me. Otherwise, she was the love of my life. Now, years later, I have discovered through mutual friends that she refers to it as one of the biggest mistakes of her life but doesn't even forgive herself. I might be able to forgive under the right circumstances and if she is sincere. But, I don't want to initiate contact because I still feel hurt. She won't initiate contact because she doesn't feel she deserves a second chance. Is there anyplace to go from here? Advice, experiences welcome...

What are the rates of marital infidelity in western nations?

Irontom — Thu, 05 Feb 2004 07:35:16 -0800

Can anyone point me to information about rates of marital infidelity in western nations? I'm particularly interested in the United States, but figures on other first world nations would provide interesting material for comparison.