Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with infatuation

Help me get over the honeymoon phase.

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:24:28 -0800

I'm extremely infatuated with my boyfriend of 1 year, to the point where it's getting a little annoying. Advice? I began seeing my current boyfriend in August of 2008, and we became exclusive a couple of months later. I was quite smitten with him from the beginning, and I was expecting that "honeymoon phase" to last two or three months, like it has in all of my other relationships... and it still hasn't subsided. We even lived together over the summer, which I figured might dull my enthusiasm a bit. But it didn't at all. If anything, I have a bigger crush on him now than I did when we first started dating.

I'm normally very even-keeled, so this feeling has puzzled me from the very beginning, and now it's starting to feel a bit... cumbersome. I don't act crazy or clingy -- in fact, I'm really not very demonstrative about my affections at all -- but I feel like I think about him way more than I should. I'll catch myself daydreaming about jumping his bones during class, or in a free moment I'll randomly start feeling giddy about how lucky I am and how great my relationship is. Every time he kisses me (which is nearly every day), I get that butterflies-in-my-stomach, squeeee-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening feeling. It's EXHAUSTING.

I tend to think that, when people obsess over things, it's often because they're subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about something more difficult - i.e. some aspect of their lives that's lacking, or something that's worrying them (this seems to be a widely-held view here on AskMeFi). I don't really think that's the case here though. I'm pretty content with everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm about to graduate from college, my career path seems pretty solid and I'm excited about it. I have a close-knit group of friends, no shortage of hobbies, and I get along great with my family. So it's not that my "crush" is providing a distraction from something unpleasant. Nor is it interfering with my productivity. It's just emotionally taxing, and I feel like I should calm the hell down already.

(Factors that probably have some bearing: I'm 23, boyfriend is 28. I've been in two other long-term relationships, and had a handful of casual flings, but this is the first time either of us has been "in love".)

How can I stop this ridiculous crush?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:06:35 -0800

I met the most beautiful geeky girl I have ever seen or imagined. Help me get her out of my head, please. I went out for drinks with some new acquaintances who I hadn't met before and am unlikely to see again any time soon. A little way into the evening we were joined by a girl whose face seemed to be designed just to stimulate my brain's neurochemical pleasure pathways. She was so, so lovely. I spoke to her for about 10 minutes (~~and can now die happy~~) and found out that she's really interesting, has a cute accent, is studying nearby, and is into sci-fi. I'm not usually prone to this sort of thing at all, but despite barely having even met her, I'm crushing on her like a schoolboy. (Laying in bed last night I actually caught myself imagining how sweet we'd look as an elderly couple.) This is absurd. Help me stop.

Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me. Also, she's about five years younger than me (she's in her early-20s), but I look about ten years older than her (like her older brother or uncle - bruncle?). Also, she's far, far prettier than I am (think Shrek and Fiona). Also, because of my living and employment arrangements, I'm hardly an attractive proposition right now. And anyway - why am I even thinking about these things? I sat across from her for a couple of hours and spoke to her for about ten minutes. This is crazy.

Please tell me how to un-do to my brain whatever her lovely face has done to it. I don't think rational arguments will work, but don't let that stop you.

(Oh, and before anyone asks... I wasn't drunk, and this isn't about sex.)

Disposable email: ohgodwowiloveyou@googlemail.com

I'm caught up in love, he's now holding back so how can I maintain my cool?

InterestedInKnowing — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:32:17 -0800

So I've been dating this really cool gentlemen for 2 months. We are taking things slow but I find myself getting caught up with him. This is a problem. It's a problem because now he's holding back a bit whereas he was stronger in pursuing me before. Can anyone share advice as to how I can keep my cool so he doesnt become disinterested? Also, how will I know when a man has become disinterested? I'm rambling, sorry but when i become infatuated or "in love" I can't think straight and I lose my sense of self. Save this poor girl from herself. Ha!

How do you deal with infatuation?

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:34:37 -0800

How do you deal with infatuation? I've met somebody online, and we're meeting up in a week's time. We're getting on really well, and the possibility of a romance seems strong. The trouble is that I'm prone to infatuation. And it seems to be happening again. We barely know each other apart from a handful of emails, but I can't stop thinking about her.

I would be like to be significantly more cool and detached, at least at this stage. This seems sensible and appropriate right now, and will probably lead to a better result when we do eventually meet.

So have you ever suffered from infatuation? How did/do you deal with it? If you don't want to go public email me at infatuatedindividual@gmail.com.

Can love without infatuation still be "real love"?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:25:06 -0800

I read this question about how to tell the difference between love and infatuation. Most of the answers seem to say that love and infatuation feel the same in the beginning but love is what lasts in the long run. My question is, is it possible to fall in love with someone with out really experiencing true infatuation with them? I have a wonderful boyfriend. He has all of the things that I have ever wanted in a significant other. This is not to say that I think he's perfect, but so far none of his imperfections are in anyway close to dealbreakers. I find them endearing. I do think we are perfect for each other. We don't just enjoy each other, we are truly good for each other and challenge each other to be the best we can and grow.

We've been together several months, but less than a year. I feel as though I love him, and am in love with him. Especially when we are together. We have great physical chemistry. Possibly the best sex I've ever had. I can't get enough of his kisses and cuddles and hugs.

The problem (?) being, I have never really felt infatuated with him. I mean, I want to be with him as much as possible, and think about him all the time when we are not together, but I never really experienced the "blissful infatuation high" where you go kind of crazy and you are stupidly excited all the time and your head gets all light and airy and you are obsessed.

What I do feel is quite happy when we are together, I feel a warmth in my heart when I think of him, I miss him when I can't be with him, I get excited to see him if we've gone too long apart. I am comfortable being myself around him all the time, and I love kissing him and touching him.

There is nothing about this man or our relationship that makes me doubt that we should be together, for not just now, but for a long while, except this nagging that because I never fell "head over heals" in infatuation that my love might not be "the real thing". As a result I am terrified that it won't work out, or that I'll never love him "enough". My love for him is most intense in the times when I can really keep these fears at bay. I'm concerned it may be a endless cycle of I'm scared I don't love him enough, but because I'm scared, the fear itself keeps me from being able to love him enough.

I am a very talented over thinker, and I think that is a huge part of this problem.

So.

Is it possible to be in love without having been ga-ga infatuated?

If so, how do I stop over thinking this and just enjoy the ride?

Also, we are in our late 20s... does maturity & past relationships play into the amount of infatuation you are able to feel as you get older? Maybe total infatuation is more of an immature feeling?

Aaaalll these little rejections

The Eponymous Pseudonymous Rex — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 03:46:35 -0800

How do I get out of the habit of becoming rapidly infatuated with women I am interested in? I'm a 23 year old guy who has very little dating experience (had one moderately-serious girlfriend several years ago, dated 2-3 girls since). I've recently improved my self-confidence a lot, and have been getting a lot better about actually asking out women I like. I recently don't feel like I've had trouble meeting and talking to potential women, and have become much more of a risk-taker when initiating contact and so on. This part is a really positive change for me, which I am proud of.

The problem I'm having is that as soon as I decide I'm interested, and ask her out, I begin to obsess about her. This means that when things don't work out, I become depressed for days or weeks at a time. As an example, someone I dated recently was relatively fresh out of a long relationship, and not ready to date again. I feel like she was interested in me, and feel good about that, but when she finally decided the timing was bad, I was really broken up about it for a couple weeks. The thing about it is, that we really went out on only 2 dates. Granted, they were dates that went quite well, and we were really hitting it off, but still, I feel like becoming that emotionally invested after just 2 dates is unrealistic.

Another way this becomes problematic is that I anticipate or perceive rejection a lot, even when things are clearly going well. An example would be that I obsess over stupid details like what time to call her, and what exactly to say. If she doesn't answer, I worry that she is dodging my calls.

A lot of the things I think about while obsessing are things like how we would be as a couple, the kinds of romantic things we would do together, what sex with her would be like, and so on. I don't really know if it's normal or healthy to think about those things early on, so I would like some perspective on that. I do like the general idea of planning out some of the romantic things, though, because in the past, I've really genuinely enjoyed doing those things with women I've dated, and I feel like coming up with unique ideas that will be meaningful and enjoyable for both of us is a really rewarding way to show my affection for her. On the other hand, I feel like doing those things is one factor that leads to my overly-high level of investment in these women.

I am looking specifically for perspective on the issues I've discussed (were you once this way? to what degree is this normal?), and also for specific recommendations about books I should read, or ways I should consider re-thinking some of my actions. I realize that many of you will likely recommend therapy, but I am already in therapy that is focused on some other issues. We do talk about relationships a fair amount, so this has come up, but I'm looking here for more pointed advice.

How do you learn to never ever infatuate someone?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:25:41 -0800

Drama penguin of the day: I am infatuating a work colleague of mine badly and I am looking for resources to understand the nature of my infatuation to get over it. My life sucks right now, because I fell for a coworker. Not a bad ass guy, and I wouldn't mind work-ethics etc and actually could go for it, if there wasn't the following background facts.

1- Although it is about to end, I am in a long-term (and since several months also long distance) relationship and I am tagged as taken (also, the colleague has already met my boyfriend twice). Let' s skip this part of the story.

2-This colleague will be leaving the workplace in several months for a job overseas.

And less importantly:
3- I am neither the best looking nor the most confident woman on earth. I was raised in a social environment where it's not too welcome when women make the first move. Generally, I am shy towards guys I like in that way.

My brain capacity is reduced to 3% right now and I am very sad because nothing will ever come out of this. And even if it did, he will go away soon. I can pull myself somewhat together and we get along well as colleagues when we talk about this and that. We have once spent several hours together on a journey. I am pretty sure that he thinks of me as a pleasant person. I do not want to spoil this and destroy the nice professional relationship we have by saying or doing something stupid and freaking him out. I actually did such a mistake once with another crush of mine and it resulted in unbearable awkwardness.

This being the third infatuation in my life, should hopefully be the last one (I am turning 30 soon!) It's so sad that it's stupid to wake up every morning and think about that one person and be sad until you go back to bed in the evening, to have that constant hopelessness feeling in the back of your mind, messing up the concentration at work totally and in general feeling like shit all day, your mind full of recurrent and sad what-ifs.

Some more information: we are sharing the same office (with others), and there is no possibility for a change in office place. He once told me he tends to have short-term relationships. He is a nice, outgoing person, so if he had any interest he would have showed me (although here I tend to forget about my official relationship status). He is smart as hell, and actually he might be suspecting what is going on with me and kind of enjoying that as long as I am not going too far.

My work requires a lot of concentration and analytical thinking, at which I am really having some problems right now. I need my brain back. I just want to be happy without missing someone I don't really know so much. Sadly, the more I get to know him, the better I like him, but no matter how good it "could be", it never "won't be". And I think I should understand that.

My colleague will be away from the workplace for some weeks soon, and I would like to use this period of time to recover and to understand what is going on. I would like to start some sort of a healing process before he returns. How can I get over this? And how can I learn out of this?

I also would like to be armed and built up some defenses against future infatuations. I basically want to get smarter about why this is happening.

So dear MeFites, please share here with me whatever knowledge, ideas, literature or wise jokes or even song recommendations, really anything, you might have on this subject. What's the deal with a crush, why do we have it, why do some of us get so sad when having a crush? Is it abnormal? Why do we get obsessed with that one person? And why will they never love us back?

Can I learn to be a less dreamy, more logical person, at my age, before I get so sad about anyone?

My throw-away: needmybrainback@gmail.com (although I might not be able to reply right away). Thanks a lot. I love you already for your help.

Slow to boil in a microwave world

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:27:16 -0800

I don't infatuate easily, and am very slow-to-warm-up with regard to romantic interests. What's a gal like me to do in the world of speed dating? I'm a rather reserved person until you get to know me well. And often, when it comes to romance, I don't feel "that spark" too quickly. I've been known to spark for guys only after knowing them for months.

This has led me to much difficulty in the dating world. A lot of times there is pressure to "fish or cut bait" after three dates. The trouble with me is that it can take me a lot longer than that to really get to know someone and find out where my feelings lie. By that time the man in question has usually given up or just wants to remain friends.

I've also been accused of "leading men on" due to my slow-to-warm-upness. Honestly, I'm not a tease, I just need a little time.

So what's a woman like me to do in the dating world? I know the usual solution would be to try to make boyfriends out of friends, but due to my introversion I don't have a huge social circle (though I do have a few close, good friends) and I don't work in a place with loads of eligible over-thirty men. So the online, arranged-dating world is really my best bet. For the record, I'm over 30 so I'm thankfully past the callow twentysomething get-drunk-and-hook-up stage, but I still find a lot of men my age want to rush, rush, rush.

Wanting what you can't have (or can you?)

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 06:33:32 -0800

Im infatuated with this girl who I knew I couldn't have from the start. She has a partner. She is more than 10 years younger than me. She lives in another country. But I wake up with thoughts of her every morning. I construct new theories about what she was really thinking. After my (long) marriage turned sour Ive been keeping an eye out for the possibility of love again. While studying I met this Polish girl who I thought was very nice. I invited her out once and it went well until she told me she had a serious partner. At that point I was sort of gutted inside but didn't show it. When I found that out, she became all that more attractive to me - a challenge I couldn't let go of. Her partner was coming over in a few months to be with her. I went out with her a few more times but it just made it worse and she was concerned I was getting too attached. Anyway I vowed that I would end it before boyfriend came over and I did. I changed countries and kept away from her for a few months until I emailed her again and we got back in contact. I'm living with a girl friend at the moment.

She told me straight up she and her boyfriend believe that they should meet other people because no one person can fulfill all of your needs. On one trip we made together she told me that her boyfriend was in her background for a few years while she was "playing around" until she found out he really liked her and thats how they started together. Apparently she had also hung out with this other guy in another country too before me. She is a sweet girl but I wonder whether she and her boyfriend have this thing that turns them on about being with other people. I mean she said when the boyfriend came over, we could still go to dinner and hang out etc. Maybe I am out of the scene these days but it seemed really strange. Is this some modern style of relationship? At one point she told me that she felt I had gotten too close and she didn't feel the same way and all she could offer was being my friend. I knew this so it wasn't exactly a surprise to me. She said I had confused her and she wasn't sure how she would feel when her boyfriend came over.

Anyway I still think about her a lot and I haven't heard from her in a few weeks (as she is travelling with bf). Every time she sends me a letter it is always very enthusiastic and nice (but I think thats just her nature). She promises to come and visit me here some time.

What is wrong with me? Why do I still think about her? I knew from the start this was going nowhere. I was just compelled by her enthusiasm and charming nature. I know there's something missing in my life and there are other people in my life but I was just very attracted to this one girl. Any thoughts about what I should do and why I am like this?

email : ificanthaveyou@gmail.com

My Hot Trainer is the Reason I'm Motivated to Workout

chase — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 15:27:21 -0800

Where can I find plain language research results about emotional attachments to care workers? In general, I'm interested in articles about the process of how/why individuals develop emotional attachments to care workers. e.g.: physical fitness trainer, therapist, doctor, mentor, etc. Specifically, I'd like to find information that covers the range of the different types of attachments: crushes vs. stalker depth. Physical fitness trainer is the profession I'm most curious about. What is it about the profession of fitness training that lends itself to the cliché of women being infatuated with their instructor? Personal anecdotes are welcome.

Rose, thou art sick.

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 07:57:24 -0800

Help me get past a crushing infatuation... I'll try to be brief. 2 people, very close in high school (over 15 years ago) In the ensuing years, kept reconnecting at odd times, and always felt something, but never acted on it. I contacted him via a social networking site last December, but he wasn't using it, so I just heard from him a couple of weeks ago.

The very first IM we have somehow gets to him telling me that he loves me, and that every woman he's dated has something that reminds him of me. I admit the same. (See this past AskMe for more on telling your best friend that you love them, which is what I should have done.)

Cue quite a few extremely intimate talks, up to 4 hours at a time. Problems : I'm still married (though very much separated) and he's met someone online that he thinks he could be happy with. No, he's never met her in person.

We have a date, which results in even more intensity. I'm in full-blown infatuation at this point, which is exceptionally bad timing due to lots of work and school pressure.

I think you can guess what happens next. He backed off - which I admit had a lot to do with the fact that I was freaking out in almost every conversation. I couldn't force myself to talk about everyday things, I always came back to the "What are we going to do now? What do you think/feel/want?" In an attempt to salvage the friendship, I go to see him, and tell him that while I know we have feelings for each other, we should set them aside for now, and just be friends. We agree.

All well and good, right? So why can't I stop obsessing? What makes it worse is that I'm kind of pissed off - if he wasn't ready for the result (emotional or sexual), then he should have kept his mouth shut. I also feel sad, because this person is more like me than 95% of people I've met - similar personality, likes/dislikes, values, etc...

So now what do I do? It's not a problem of keeping myself busy - school/work takes up a lot of my time, I go to the gym, bookstores, concerts, etc... but I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything. You might suggest that I get together with friends to get my mind off this for a bit, but I don't have many right now - I was a very typical hibernate at home with the s.o. type.

Instead, I'm hoping that AskMe will come through for me again, as it has in the past. Be kind or not, as you see fit. If you need to contact me : hantise@inorbit.com

Doesn't a maybe really mean no?

purplestarz — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:57:10 -0800

Why does someone still insist on saying maybe I'm in love w/you? To be fair the actual response was -- I don't love you enough. Is it just me or is that a vague/I'm trying to be nice response? The breakup began b/c of his inability to say for sure whether or not he loved me. He said he loved me once, early on in the relationship, which i deeply discount for various obvious reasons. Said ex has never been in love before. I also never said i love you beyond that initial moment although definitely still felt/feel that i do. This is clearly problematic also. Anyway everything came to a head and I said we should end it. We did and i've spent a lot of time wondering if I should've waited and given him more time. So to appease this question I asked him via email, 4 months post-breakup - Instead of saying i'm not sure i love you isn't it more approriate to for you to say I just care about you but don't love you? His response was I don't love you enough and thats why we aren't together. Ok. . .but did that really answer my question? Doesn't that response suggest some love? Am I too limited to assume someone should just be able to say they don't love you if they don't? Clearly he could be trying to be nice and cushion this all for me. Previous love vs. infatuation posts suggest a maybe is really a no. So clearly his response was a no, right?

So my long-winded background info poses the question - shouldn't you be able to say after a period of time finally whether or not you do love a person? I'm a fairly level-headed/emotionally stable individual but I still find myself obsessing about this question and his response/the reasons for our breakup. Help remind me that my overanaylsis is me still working through our breakup.

Love or Infatuation?

PuGZ — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 03:03:52 -0800

How can one tell the difference between love and infatuation? Easy enough question, probably not an easy answer. How do I know whether what I feel is true love or infatuation?

"we could have loved! You know it!"

slipperywhenwet — Tue, 05 Jul 2005 20:31:11 -0800

How easily do you become infatuated with people? This is mostly a curiosity question. I’ve been single for.. uhhh.. a long time, and I find that I tend to develop crushes or fixations on attractive and/or interesting girls really frequently. I’ve just started dating actively (much of it via nerve and craig’s list) and I’ve found the same thing – almost all the women I’ve met have been interesting, cool, and generally good looking. Because for the most part I’ve found that I feel pretty comfortable with these women and often like them, it’s sometimes been fairly jarring when things don’t work out, even if it’s only been two dates.

On a related note: how do you deal with being constantly surrounded by beautiful strangers? Baudelaire wrote a great poem about this, what, like, a hundred years ago, so I don’t expect definitive answers, just curious about your thoughts.