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It's like a star trek script before they fill in the [tech]s

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:03:04 -0800

I am out of my depth at work. Unfortunately, I have to be vague because there's a good chance I could accidentally out who I am. But: a few months back, I was hired for a job in a technical / coding position, even though I have very little actual software development experience, based on having a background in the (non-technical) stuff my employer does, and also knowing the basics of a set of fairly obscure tools/languages they use.

My direct boss is herself not all that technical, and is pleased with my performance on most of the tasks she assigns -- which as a rule aren't all that technically complicated and which are at worst time-consuming. However, I'm starting to do work which involves talking with / assisting people in affiliated organizations, most of whom have a decade or more in this field under their belts, and it's becoming increasingly obvious how out of my depth I am: each casual email sends me scrambling to reference texts to figure out what the hell they're even talking about, and I'm getting a real sense that although I've got amateurish experience as a code monkey, I simply don't understand the basics of the field I'm in.

Complicating this is that I am the only remotely technical person directly associated with my organization, and further complicating this, I work mostly from home. One takeaway from this experience for me has been to remind myself that, if I'm ever in a situation where I'm hiring a coder for this sort of very independent position, to definitely not hire someone as inexperienced as me. That takeaway, though, is not immediately useful.

How do I deal with this? There is no one at my organization who I could turn to to say "plz, am need mentor, halp!", and the coders I'm working with in affiliated organizations have, well, better things to do than babysit me. I don't especially have long-term intentions to stay in this field -- I'll be going to school for something entirely different next year -- but quitting sooner rather than later isn't really an option. Furthermore, my direct boss seems to believe I'm a super-techy whiz-kid who hung the computer-moon, even though I'm starting to think that if the situation continues, I'll jeopardize our organization's position.

I have to guess some member of the hivemind has been in a similar situation, and has some tips on how to deal with it. If nothing else, if anyone has any advice for how to admit that I don't know what the people I'm corresponding with are talking about without making things worse, I would love that.

How do I state my sexual preferences without sounding like a broken record?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:30:05 -0800

How do I state my sexual preferences without sounding like a broken record? I (early 20's) am in a solid relationship with my boyfriend (early 30's) of one year and we're trusting, respectful, committed, affectionate and all that good stuff. He had sexual experience with long-term partners before we were together so he's sensitive and aware and knows how to turn me on (manually) but he had never given oral sex to a woman before. In my seven-ish years of sexual escapades I've had enough experience to know what works for me and I try to be open and honest about my preferences.

When receiving oral sex, I prefer to enjoy the anticipation of touch for a time before direct clitoral stimulation begins. When this happens, I tend to moan and otherwise express pleasure; he takes this as a sign that I want more pressure and immediate stimulation and so things quickly progress. I've tried saying "I prefer less pressure, especially early on" and "remember that time you teased me for a long time..." and, when necessary "hey, that's too much" but it never seems to stick. That is, he will take what I've said into consideration for a little while but then reverts back to the original technique (or he is gentle during that session but the next time he seems to forget what I asked for).

I should be clear that I believe this behaviour relates to his enthusiasm/arousal and not an intent to ignore what I'm after. He's very willing to give oral sex and so I certainly don't want to discourage him. I'm also cautious about being too critical or giving only negative feedback as I'm his first partner in this regard and I want him to know that I appreciate his generosity. I want to get my point across without repeating myself every time we're together - how can I accomplish this? Or, more generally, how do people prefer to receive sexual feedback?

Virginity is actually driving me insane ...

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 20:12:53 -0800

Here's the problem: I'm fat, I'm balding, I'm in my early thirties, I'm a virgin, and I am beginning to very much need sex. I never expected to get to my early thirties and still be a virgin, but I'm here. I went to a very conservative religious college where getting caught having sex was punishable by expulsion; that having been said, sex was had there by many and I really can't blame the institution for my virginity. I don't know what aspect of my personality or of my appearance has scared away women, or caused romances to fail, but we're getting near an impasse. Then, when I moved to a big city, I got lost amongst the millions; coming here already with a substantial weight around my middle, I just got larger, and I'm now well over three hundred.

I'm not only virginal (I'm hetero, if it matters), I'm severely physically and romantically inexperienced (to use the admittedly juvenile baseball metaphor, once with a college friend in first base, and once a stripper in another city I was visiting allowed me to get to second base) ...

... and I really don't have a good sense of when a natural relationship is going to arise wherein I'm going to be able to have sex as normal people do. Additionally, I face the added problem of being morbidly obese and having a large bald spot in the back of my head, making it unlikely that women are going to look at me and go, "Mmm-mmm, gotta get me some of that." (That last bit said in a tone of bleak black humor ... probably won't come across as well in text.)

I don't think I look bad, precisely: I think I've got good hair [from the front ;-)] and kind eyes and a good smile and a friendly, amiable personality and good conversational skills. I told a good friend I was a virgin, and he was blown away, for the very fact that I do seem to be able to break into conversation so easily with fellow employees at our mutual employer. But take the shirt off or the slacks off and I'm most definitely very, very, very, very, very far down on the "impressive physical specimen" scale. Do you remember the SNL skit when Chris Farley tried out for Chippendale's? (If not, it's findable on YouTube.) Add about 25-40% more weight to his figure in that scene, and that'll give you a visual idea of my appearance.

So, you tell me, go diet, work out, get fit. I've tried, for ten years now. I don't know what blocks my weight loss efforts, what's in my head. And even if I did, without abdominoplasty, I'm not going to look good with the excess skin that'll be left. And that's not the issue I really want to address here, either. What's really at issue here is that I'm beginning to absolutely go stark, raving, absolute bonkers because I've never had sex in my life and my libido is more and more getting far out of control.

I mean, think about human sexuality. Think about your own drives — the basic premise of looking at a beautiful woman and going she is beautiful, and I wish to [bleep] with her until the rooster crows. Now think about what it would be to have a perfectly natural sex drive that had absolutely no opportunity to express itself fully in over thirty-two years, and if you have good enough of an imagination, you'll see the brink of insanity I'm standing upon.

As it is, sad enough, every six to nine months I'll go down to a strip club and pay half a grand for a two-hour "V.I.P." session. Thanks to Puritanism, my city pretty much prohibits any sort of contact between a stripper and a patron. If visiting there was a scene out of Showgirls, I'd probably be pretty fine, at least libido-wise. But instead, time with a stripper in my town is more like The McLaughlin-Lehrer Report. (Admittedly, Jim Lehrer isn't a 20-something female with long hair and boobs that dances naked in front of you to '80s music.) Pretty much all "V.I.P." gives you in my town is entire nudity very, very close to you. And although that's nice, it pales after a while, too.

I've endured celibacy for a while, but I'm beginning to actually feel the breakdown of my endurance on this particular matter. Don't get me wrong, though. Somehow, part of the way I'm made up is the premise if it's not sexy for her, it's not sexy, meaning that it just would feel gross and wrong to do something like subway flashing or groping. And rape would never be something I'd consider even in the darkest and most frantic of moments, trust me. So when I say I'm close to breaking down on the "not having sex" front, I don't know what a post-breakdown would be like. But I just know that I'm getting close.

But I'm totally at a loss as to what to do next. I'd like to do something to have sex rather soon, even if it turns out it's not going to be with someone who actually loves me in return. That was the original dream, but hell, at least I have a good job, a place to live, etc. We don't always get everything we dream for.

I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that can walk into a bar and walk out into an evening of cheap sex. I don't have that skillset or the necessary appearance.

And I frankly have no idea how to go about hiring a "professional" (and I'm not even sure we can discuss that here, due to its illegality).

But at the same time, I'm beginning to really fray around the edges, and I don't know what to do or where to go next with this.

P.S. The first one who tells me I'm "putting the [ahem] on a pedestal" gets shot. I don't have the gorgeous Catherine Keener, a crew of well-connected streetwise, funny friends, or a '60s hippie musical number over end credits awaiting me.

retail job therapy?

iamcrispy — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 19:34:40 -0800

Help me get a job in retail. So, I've lived in the middle of nowhere most of my life and have never needed, and therefore had, a job, now I live in London and desperately need one.

The other day I was talking to an aquaintance who works in a big music gear shop and he told me that they are looking for people to fill part time positions. This job would be great experience for me especially since music gear is something I take a great interest in. But I've tried so many times to get jobs in my old closest city and failed miserably, all but one time never recieving so much as a reply.

My main problem, I think, is my CV, there is simply next to nothing to put on there beside my name, address and education. This, I dare say, is grounds for it go straight in the bin, or 'laugh at' pile. Plus, I'm aversed to writing BS.

The only relevant 'skills', if you could call them that, that I've been able to think of are a 'broad knowledge of music technology and instruments', and a 'good understanding of computers' or something along those lines.

The only stuff close to a job that I've done in the past is the odd bit of minor volunteering at my old sixth form college, such as helping as a sound engineer for the college production of Jesus Christ Superstar, and as a mentor helping new students settle in. But I just can't see either being at all relevant.

So, any ideas on how to add some substance to my CV?

Got any tips on getting into the retail game?

How am I ever going to get a job?

cillit bang — Mon, 17 Oct 2005 06:13:14 -0800

How am I ever going to get a job? Here's my situation:
- I have zero experience in any kind of paid employment or similar
- I just finished a degree in Media Technology, though I left with only an Ordinary Degree (without Honours). I know a lot about the topic though.
- I'm a fairly good Mac programmer (and troubleshooter)
- I've done various projects in PHP/MySQL, but have little to show off
- I have no driving license or foreign language skills, and am shy to the point of rudeness
- I'm in central London

Here's what I've found:
- Every temp agency I've spoken to isn't interested in people without experience
- All media-related jobs require two years experience in one thing or another
- Every computing job requires a Computer Science degree and experience with VB, Windows 2000, .NET, etc, of which I have none
- There is zero demand for Mac programmers in this country
- Every entry-level graduate position in any field requires a 2:1 Honours degree minimum

Any suggestions of who would actually want to hire me any time in the near future?

(I have no idea what to try next, so please suggest anything you can think of)