Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with independence

I wipe my own ass!

alona — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:40:18 -0800

What are children of different cultures expected to learn to do independantly at different ages? For example, in most of Israel, kids by the second-third grade walk themselves to and from school.

This is just out of personal interest.

This is what sparked my interest.

kelly clarkson, thine words ring true

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:13:46 -0800

How can I learn to stop being so self-reliant? How do I begin to need other people again? I don't like asking for help, and when offered, I usually refuse it. I have this mentality that I can "do it myself," which I fear might be weakening friendships, potential relationships, and professional prospects. I'd like to learn how to not be this way, without becoming co-dependent.

A bit of important background info. My mom died from cancer when I was 10. I learned to take care of all my own needs, in addition to many of hers when she was sick. My father was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive towards my siblings and I. We thus had a weird combination of being very, very controlled by him - yet were forced to grow up quickly, and depend on ourselves for our emotional needs and responsibilities. We all have varying levels of this behavior, but I think I've got it the most. This might have to do with being the youngest, and having the least amount of time with a healthy parent (our mom). After her death, there were no stable adults or guardians who came into our lives. Taking care of my own emotional needs, and other responsibilities became a survival mechanism, so it's all I know how to do.

This question on learning to be less self-reliant stems from my tiredness of being single. I've been single for a few years. I've been on dates, but those haven't really progressed anywhere. I hate asking for help. I feel like I'm burdening other people, and avoid it at all costs, unless absolutely necessary. Even when someone offers help - say, a roommate offering to drive me to the grocery store to pick up things so I don't have to walk/carry it home, my instant response is "thanks, but I can do it, I'll be fine." This is my automated response to everything. It's become instinctive.

I'm no job searching after graduate school, and I think it's also going slow because I've built up this mentality that I should and ought to be able to land something on my own. Networking makes me very uncomfortable. I know it's not nepotism because I still have to prove myself, but asking for people to put in a word for me, or refer me (etc) make me extremely uncomfortable. I feel like I should be able to do it on my own, but I know that in the "real world" nothing happens like this. But I'm finding it extremely difficult to change my patterns.

In sum, I think being overly independent is hindering me from progressing in relationships and professionally, too. My problem is not that I don't think I need help from anyone - I know the world is a very reciprocal place, and we all need other people. But I'm so used to doing everything myself, am so stuck in my patterns of self-reliance, and don't know how to break out of the guilt and self-shaming of asking for help. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and not in control. I am not a control freak when it comes to other people, and I don't judge people that aren't independent, but making sure I "have it together" is a survival mechanism that I adopted since childhood. My question is for advice - how can I get out of this cycle, and learn to ask and accept help from others? How can I do this, without becoming co-dependent on others? What are some ways or tools that I can adopt to loosen the grip on my own self-sufficiency?

If it matters, I'm a mid-late 20-something female. Thank you.

Is a uni degree essential?

stillnocturnal — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:58:11 -0800

Should i finish a uni course in a field i dont want a job in? So, ive done 2 years of my university course, and ive realised that i only took it because my parents expected me to go to uni and i had to pick something. So i picked a school subject i found easy.

Im now realising that personally, id rather have a job that makes me happy than pays me a lot of money. And i want to be financially independent of my parents, who currently pay my rent and bills, because while they are lovely people, they get on my nerves. I know this is probably more about me than them, but still, i want to cut off their control from my life. So im seriously considering looking for a full-time job in a field im interested in (starting as an apprentice), and if i can find one, dropping out of uni.

Is not finishing uni a terrible idea? Will i have doomed myself to debt and struggling? Will i seriously regret it?

Im in the UK, btw, and 19.

Where to watch the Chicago fireworks?

ztdavis — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:24:09 -0800

Awesome / unique locations to see the July 3rd fireworks in Chicago? I've never seen Chicago's July "independence eve" fireworks and will be hosting out of town family that probably won't be too anxious for the crowds and exciting L line ride home. Is there any place with a decent view that is easy to get to (and leave from)?

Are the fireworks visible at all from Montrose Harbor?
Are there any parking garages downtown with decent views?
The Hancock observatory is open, but how crowded is it?

You don't have to come to the shindig, ya know

orville sash — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 06:12:25 -0800

We know where we want to get married, but the bride to be's parents don't like our preferred location We live in New York City. The parents live in New Jersey. We met in Northampton, Mass. We were thinking about doing the wedding in Northampton for a number of reasons (nostalgia, beauty, cost, proximity to old friends) but bride's folks are not into the idea, primarily because their extended family all live in NJ. So that means about 20 or so people would have to schlep from Jersey to Massachuetss (about 4-5 hour drive)

My family lives all over the country - Texas, Michigan, California, etc. So the thought of traveling for the wedding doesn't really bother them so much.

Questions:

1.) Should we try to convince them that this is a good idea?
2.) Should we forge ahead and disregard their preference?
3.) Should we suck it up and have the wedding in jersey?

How do I not get taken advantage of ?

Taurid — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:10:50 -0800

What is the best approach for me to take and continue helping my senior neighbor out without being taken advantage of by her and/or her children? I have an elderly neighbor ( in her eighties) who my family has been helping for the last 17 years. We've done things like cut the grass, clear her driveway ( and sidewalk) of ice and snow, drove her and her husband (before he passed away two years ago) as well as taken her to appointments, out for suppers, and on day trips, etc. Recently however, she has been having fainting spells and her heart is not that good. There is a good possibility of her driving license being canceled because of her health. She is very upset about losing her independence. She has three children, two of them have licenses to drive, have their own vehicles, and are capable of taking her places but seldom volunteer to. They live close by. My neighbor lives alone in her own home.

Where to start when you start over?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:49:46 -0800

How do you start over, with a new love or without one? Heartfelt, soul-searching soap opera of my life and love inside. You met them (to avoid silly pronoun problems) on the internet. They made you laugh. You thought it was harmless. Both of you had other commitments, other relationships in your lives.

Neither of you intended it to go anywhere. It was just supposed to be friendship. Somehow, you tumble head-over-heels anyway. They confess to feeling the same way.

You both overcome boundaries--complicated personal relationships, huge geographical distances--to meet "IRL". You figure it has all been too good to be true online. Surely this will only lead to disappointment IRL.

But you meet. You laugh often. You revel in the conversation and lively debate. Evntually, inevitably, you make love. The sex is incredible. You have never felt so free, so independent in your life. And you feel like...yourself. No pretenses, no subterfuge. Then the two of you separate as planned, go back to your "other lives".

Being pragmatic by nature, you tell yourself that you are just infatuated, that you are not thinking clearly. Happens all the time, you know. People do this. They meet online, get together, fool themselves that they have something when they don't. This will pass, you tell yourself. The infatuation will fade. It's wrong to feel this way. Let it go.

You make a dedicated effort to end it, going months without contacting them. You fall into a deep depression. You go to therapy, you take medication. Nothing helps. Conversely, even your real-life relationship, which you had sought to help by this separation, worsens because you feel so disconnected to everything and everyone emotionally.

Only when you are with them, even if it is only online, are you happy. It is not what they do--just knowing they are part of your life is enough. And when, finally, you accept this and get back in touch with them, it's as if no time at all has passed. The two of you come back together seamlessly, effortlessly. And, of course, you want more than just the online stuff. You continue to see them when you can.

This is not just a fling, like so many others. The feelings only grow stronger over time. Gradually, It becomes a relationship measured not in days, weeks or even months, but years. Their support has helped you do things in your real life you never had the courage to do before. They've helped you discover yourself. Along the way, you have come to terms with the problems in your real life relationship, and you know you have to do something about them. You know there is little communication, and that you have never had the emotional intimacy you need to thrive.

You feel you could be independent now, when before you felt trapped. At various times in your relationship with them, you have both considered changing your lives, despite the many hardships and the others involved, to be together. Now, you feel you are ready.

You understand that they may not be able to go through with it. It's a huge commitment. You know that in the end they may lack the conviction or the courage to leave the life they have now. Only they can decide what is right for them.

Regardless of what they do, you feel you must make the change in your own life. It is not about a promise of something that might be, but an end to something that no longer is.

And of course you're scared to death. This is a secret years in the making. You can handle being called selfish, a betrayer--you deserve all that. But you don't want to hurt anyone any more than you have to when you leave. You don't even know if you should tell them the whole truth, the why behind your decision.

So you go online, and ask nameless, faceless people you have never met, (but maybe people who will be objective simply because they don't know you) HOW do you do this?

How do you end one life and begin another without destroying the lives of those you leave behind? How do you move out on your own when you have always been sheltered and protected before?

Where do you START?

Songs for my sister- upbeat and woman-centered

potatopeople — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:42:28 -0800

Looking for songs with a positive theme about sisters or female friendships for a cd I'm making for my sister's birthday. Also, she's going through a rough transition with a breakup, so other female-centered songs about positivity or independence would be wonderful. Already have the current radio hit "Miss Independent" by Ne-Yo and "So What" by Pink, but any genre/style to help fit either theme would be appreciated.

Yankee Doodle, read this Book...

Chrischris — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:05:22 -0800

Please recommend books (not overly scholarly, but in-depth, if possible) dealing with the causes and issues surrounding the rise of the American Independence movement prior to July 4, 1776. Those dealing with the movement in a holistic manner ( eg: discussing the cultural, economic, and political undercurrents which fed and popularized the movement) would be most appreciated....

How to feel a stronger sense of self-worth?

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 13:41:35 -0800

How can a person overcome general insecurity, improve their self-esteem, and bolster their sense of self worth? Objectively, I can recognize that other people seem to think I'm both relatively competent and relatively decent, and I generally coast along without consciously noticing any of what I'm about to describe. But lately, I've been noticing that I'm really susceptible to others' opinions of me. What I really want is for other people to reassure me I'm okay. Deep down, I actually feel somewhat desperate for approval and acceptance, but I don't really feel like I deserve it.

My relationship with my more judgmental friends is secretly about trying to do whatever it takes to be "good" in their eyes, and with friends who aren't judgmental, when I see myself through their eyes as an equal, I feel surprised, and relieved (and then occasionally I wonder if I'm just a pity case). Around people I don't know well, I feel like they will soon discover I'm not the kind of person they want to be friends with, that I'm bad -- nasty, petty, sleazy, bitchy, a slob. I keep wondering if they've figured it out already and are just politely tolerating me. When I screw up in little ways, it reinforces all my suspicions.

In general, both personally and professionally, I've started to notice I am constantly striving, constantly moving on to the next interest, and constantly interested in self-improvement in a way that has started to feel like just trying to outrun my own self. And I do feel like I'm constantly screwing things up (my papers at home are in total disarray which I regard as a personal failing, I get struck by guilt when I forget to call my friend who is going through a hard time, I feel constantly guilty about being behind schedule on a project) -- I feel really guilty, almost ashamed, about things like that.

Again, all this is balanced by the fact that I actually am somewhat successful professionally, and I do manage to be pretty good at being friendly with people, so I know I'm not a total failure at life or an immoral psychopath who should be shunned by all humanity. But over time this insecurity does probably undercut my relationships and professional progress, not to mention generally drain me, so I'd like to change.

What things do you do that have helped you come to feel secure in yourself? How have you come to believe that deep down, you are a good person? If you've overcome insecurity like this, what has helped you? I am in therapy and will work on it there, of course. But I've learned a lot from the insights, stories, and strategies people share on Metafilter, so I thought I'd ask.

What degree of indepdence is appropriate for a long-term relationship / marriage?

sergeant sandwich — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 02:36:30 -0800

What degree of indepdence is appropriate for a long-term relationship / marriage? Apologies for posting what may be vague and possibly unanswerable relationshipfilter, which normally I hate, but I need an outside point of view.

My girlfriend and I had an argument about a (female, platonic) friend of mine, who we'll call E. She thinks E is flirting with me; I don't think so, but I accept that I am somewhat naive when it comes to women and their intentions, so I was willing to see her side of it. She asked me to cut off all contact with E (who is now in another country, so contact was the occasional email / chatty phonecall / facebook comment). I accepted this, and did so.

The other night I mentioned E's name in conversation and she gave me a sour look and asked me to try not to mention E anymore. I objected since I didnt want to feel like I couldnt even mention her, but this led to a big discussion about whether it was appropriate, in the context of a serious and committed relationship, to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. She said she didnt think I should have any female friends. After a while, I said I would be willing to not have female friends, if thats what she wanted, but that I didnt want to feel controlled and pushed-around, and that giving up the freedom to pick my friends from both sexes kind of made me felt that way. (I'm not talking about any obviously sketchy behavior like staying out late and getting drunk with some girl -- f'rinstance I asked if she would have a problem with something along the lines of occasionally going for lunch with a female coworker, and she said yes, she would.)

The issue basically came down to the degree of independence we each thought was right for a LTR. I acknowledge that being in a relationship involves giving up some freedom - you can't just go out and do whatever as if you were single. But I thought that in an ideal marriage both people should be whole, independent people who love and support each other but arent joined at the hip all the time. She said that being in a relationship was fundamentally about not being independent. I can see the logic in this but it just seems kind of extreme to me. She has sort of a black-white kind of personality and I'm more shades-of-gray.

I've felt smothered in relationships with clingy girlfriends in the past and I guess that has a lot to do with my reluctance to start down this path. I don't really want to set a precedent that makes me feel that way, again. I've been up front about this from the beginning and tried to be as honest as possible. On the other hand, I wonder if maybe I'm just not ready to be in a committed relationship, if I feel smothered a lot. (Could have something to do with who I choose for girlfriends, also, but I dunno.) Also she's had problems with infidelity (both her father and her ex-fiancé), so that has a lot to do with her feelings. We weren't able to come to any kind of agreement on the matter. We are late 20s / early 30s.

So basically, askme, I need some external advice. What do you feel is appropriate for a serious relationship / marriage? Is it reasonable to ask your mate to get rid of an opposite-sex friend you feel threatened by? Is it reasonable to ask them not to have any opposite sex friends? Am I right to feel pushed around, or is this what being in a committed relationship is like and should I realize that? Are we just not right for each other? Is this the kind of thing a couple can ever resolve?

Is it possible to just be too damn awesome?

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 07:25:10 -0800

Is it possible to just be too damn awesome? I'm a woman in her early 30s and I've been single a long time - since my mid-20s.

When I was younger I had relationships of varying lengths, from several months to several years. I took a break quite intentionally in order to go back to school, focus on myself, deal with depression: to get my house in order. I thought that I might spend a year or two alone, grow as a person, and then smoothly resume dating like normal people, but somehow, years later, I find myself a spinster.

I'm doing all the stuff that people say you should. The time I've spent alone has been enriching, and I have a good life, a good career, good friends, and many things going for me. I enjoy spending time alone, but I have hobbies, take a continuing ed class, and take good care of myself physically. I'm generally well-liked and well-regarded. I'm no beauty queen but I'm reasonably attractive, I'm sexually driven and confident, and I am intelligent with interesting thoughts. Many people, when discussing relationships and singledom, have expressed amazement and confusion that such an eligible lady as I has been alone for so long.

Meanwhile, I've taken every approach out there:

"Get out there and take on new hobbies."
"It'll find you when you've stopped looking."
"It's OK to pursue him. Ask him out."
"Men don't want to be asked out. Wait for him to ask."
"He can't read your mind, be up-front that you're interested."
"Just tell him you want to fuck."

Still, I'm perpetually, firmly, unfortunately single.

Over the years I've gone through periods of sadness where I bang my head on the wall trying to figure out why I can't be loved. During a couple of these periods whilst talking to male friends, it has been posited to me that I intimidate men by being too awesome. I seem confident and have my shit together, and either I don't seem like I need anyone, or I otherwise scare men away.

I think it's an interesting theory, but I'm inclined to think that these men were just answering the question the only kind way possible.

Is it a real possibility? Could I be too much for men? Has building character and becoming a richer person made me unlovable?

On the flip side, would men generally prefer that I be more helpless, less capable?

I know that no one here can tell me why I'm apparently unappealing. I just want to know if my friends' theory could possibly be true, if it's a known phenomenon - and if it is, how on earth to proceed in the hopes of someday finding a partner again. I don't need a man to be complete, but everyone needs affection. It's been years for me and I'm withering without.

[questions can be sent to quasiawesome@gmail.com]

How many in Hong Kong supported reunification?

grouse — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 07:31:37 -0800

How many Hong Kongers supported reunification before it happened? Now? I'm aware that in the 60s at least there were pro-communist groups in Hong Kong. But did people want reunification in the 80s as the Sino-British Joint Declaration was made or in the 90s when the changeover occurred? How about now—would Hong Kong people prefer to be independent or under the British again?

Feel free to comment or compare on Macao and Taiwan as well. John Woo's film Bullet in the Head inspired this question.

How can I have a great Texas Independence Day party?

grouse — Sat, 25 Feb 2006 10:12:39 -0800

I'm having a Texas Independence Day party this week to introduce my English friends to the joys of Texas. General party hosting advice and advice more specific to this party requested inside. So first the general questions—I've never had a larger party like this before (I invited 50 people) and was looking for tips on how to make it a success. For background, it'll be in the dining room/kitchen of my student accommodation, and the people attending will be between 20 and 30 years old.

I'm already getting replies but invariably many people won't write back—what percentage of these people should I assume are coming?
How much in the way of snacks, beer, and non alcoholic beverages should I provide? It is customary here for drinking guests to bring some alcohol with them, so I'm not too worried about that part.

And as for more specific questions to this party—if anyone has any fun food/drink/activity/music/decoration suggestions I'm all ears! I'm already planning to make nachos, and have chips, salsa, and guacamole around. If I can swing it I might enchiladas too.

Thanks MetaFilter, and remember the Alamo!

Revolutionary War Slogans?

Philbo — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 11:25:19 -0800

Revolutionary War Slogans? I' know "No Taxation without Representation", but what other authentic revolutionary war slogans were out there? I've tried Wikipeda, and google-fu, and have seen quotes, but no rallying cries, ala "Remember the Maine" and "54 40 or fight".

How do you travel without your significant other, wife/husband or partner?

eas98 — Wed, 06 Oct 2004 11:41:58 -0800

Travel without your s/o.. Any of you do it? ---> I love to travel, particularly to foreign contries. My gf likes to travel too. But I also like to travel alone sometimes, and she can't understand why I would ever want to travel without her. I explain that it has nothing to do with her; I just really like the adventure and independence of being on my own, and I like not having to worry about someone else.

I do travel with her though; it's about 60/40 in her favor. Our relationship is pretty committed and serious, so the question is, am I being unreasonable? Anyone else out there in a similar situation?

Energy Independence

luser — Thu, 19 Aug 2004 05:23:04 -0800

I'm looking for a good survey on the topic of U.S. energy independence. Could be book, newspaper or magazine piece, documentary film, website...Not so much interested in the debate over the urgency, Hubberts Peak and all that --the ideal resource assumes the rightness of the cause and provides an overview of the political, technological, and social progress and challenges surrounding getting there.

ANOVA Modelling

freebird — Thu, 01 Jul 2004 16:36:31 -0800

What's a good rule of thumb for the maximum number of 'varieties' and 'factors' you can have in an ANOVA model? That is, where does the computation get intractable? How much data needed for a given layout? Stuff like this. I realize the question is somewhat ill-posed, just curious if anyone has practical experience from real-world application they'd like to share.