Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with incest

How can I help my sister deal with abuse at the hands of our brother?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:19:05 -0800

I recently discovered my brother was sexually abusing my sister and how the hell do I deal with this over Thanksgiving weekend? I recently found out that my brother was sexually molesting my younger sister from the fifth grade until she was a sophomore in high school. The details became clear when she opened up to me a few weeks ago. Last spring, after he was arrested, I’d been given vague descriptions from my mother (‘he messed with her covers’) and veiled allegations from my sister – (‘I’d like to talk to you abut this, but in person, and not when you are here on vacation, but there are things he did.’) Our family is stoic, repressive and completely ignoring this situation.

I was the primary caregiver from the age of 11 while my mother went back to school until I just flat-out left them all when I turned 16. Yes, I have massive, massive guilt about this.

It came to light when the SWAT team was called on this brother because it was thought at the time that he had his roommate’s girlfriend at gunpoint; he was saying he was going to kill her and then himself. My sister confessed everything to my parents that night because she felt another woman might be in danger. It turned out it wasn’t true, the girlfriend wasn’t even on the premises, he was drunk, and had been drinking a fifth of vodka each night for at least a year. He spent 30 or so days in jail and has been working off his community service/debt/sentence (felony menacing was what he was prosecuted for) since then at part-time jobs and whatever he can get. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to go back to jail and he’s been doing his part to stay clean and comply with his sentence.

This, however, doesn’t explain or erase the harm he did to my sister. She is traumatized and has a very hard time spending any time my parent’s house. My mother completely minimizes her experience and says she’s being ‘difficult’ and ‘dwelling on things.’ I was also was subjected to sexual abuse when I was younger (non-familial) which was ignored, so I understand what my sister is going through and want to help her. Hers is far, far worse since it was at the hands of her brother – he’s three years older than her, she is almost 21. I can’t imagine her pain and I love her so much. We are the only rational people in this family and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own unresolved issues, but I need to help her, she’s beautiful, strong and has an amazing spirit.

The questions are: how can I: 1) help my sister deal with this, 2) convince my parents that what happened was WRONG and 3) make my parents okay with her not staying at their house? Right now they don’t see why she doesn’t want to sleep in the bed her brother molested her in. I asked her to make plans to stay with a friend over this weekend but she is afraid of offending them (she is in college and lives a few towns away). I told her to do it anyway. She’s young and doesn’t understand the benefits of therapy yet, since it was ridiculed as part of our upbringing. If these questions seem rather cold it’s because I am completely out of my depth and have no idea how to approach this holiday weekend where we will all be together.

Incest taboos: do animals have them?

thisperon — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:07:47 -0800

How common is incest in the animal kingdom? Do lion cubs of the opposite sex mate with one another? Will a mother bird mate with her son? Do related domestic animals tend to mate with one another without any encouragement from humans?

Uncle-niece marriage in Europe

Charmian — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:31:14 -0800

I was looking at this chart of the ancestry of Charles II of Spain. There are quite a few uncle-niece marriages in his family tree. Presumably, at the time, this was permissible under Spanish or Austrian laws. When did uncle-niece marriage start to be considered incestuous in Europe?

How do I protect my baby girl?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 19:25:02 -0800

I'm pregnant. How do I stop my family's cycle of sexual abuse? Background: When I was in fourth grade, my paternal grandfather molested me on two occasions. A couple of years later, when it was discovered he had also molested one of my cousins, my father asked me about it and I told him. I don't know for sure what happened after that point, although there were no criminal charges filed. I was never alone with my grandfather after that. Fast forward to age 14. My father sits me down one day and propositions me for sex with a sick rationalization that I can't even bring myself to verbalize, even 15 years later. I say no, but the subject comes up again a couple of more times. He never forces me to do anything, but the innocence is long gone.

I leave home and over the past few years, we've had a somewhat normal relationship, much more normal than what I have with either my biological mother or my stepmother who raised me (he's divorced from both of them and has married someone else). We've never discussed what happened when I was a teenager.

I'm six months pregnant with a girl, and I am worried. My grandfather died last year, so that predator is gone, but how do I navigate my dad having a relationship with his only grandchild while at the same time keeping her safe?

Is my mom's behavior towards my little brother inappropriate?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 15:41:26 -0800

My mom's quasi-incestuous behavior towards my younger brother seriously squicks me out. Is her behavior actually quasi-inscestuous? And what should I do? Ever since he was about 10, my mom has behaved in pretty disturbing ways towards my little brother. It isn't the normal doting that mothers bestow on their youngest, favorite sons, I think. Examples include:

- Regularly climbing into his bed, refusing to get out because it's so "comfortable", making moaning noises, and asking to sleep with him
- Attempting to play footsie underneath the table at dinner (feet traveling up his pant legs, the whole bit). Every. Dinner.
- Trying to cuddle and touch his thighs, butt, etc.
- Pinning him down and kissing him, over and over, even when he yells in a very not-kidding way for her to let him go
- Extreme over-protectiveness
- Flirting

The touching stuff happens a lot less, now that he's older (over 18) and resists her attempts. But his independence visibly upsets her, especially with regards to dating and sex. Girls who date and are interested in my little brother are sluts and seductress whores, and girls he meets in college deserve any poor treatment he gives them because they were only interested in sex anyway. She really only displays this misogynistic double-standard towards women involved with my little brother--her views towards my other siblings and I with respect to dating and our partners are pretty normal.

Though her behavior is never overtly sexual, I don't believe any molestation actually occurred, and my little brother is by far the most psychologically healthy of any of us (and has no problem standing up to our mother), this behavior still does not sit right with me. Last time I came home I saw her trying to rub his upper thigh and it was sickening. Is her behavior normal? And is there anything I can do about it?

Why would siblings who don't know they're siblings be attracted to each other?

AmbroseChapel — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 15:30:08 -0800

Why would siblings who don't know they're siblings be attracted to each other? There's been a lot of publicity about the marriage of a twin brother and sister who were adopted and didn't know about each other. They met as adults and felt, according to the article, an "inevitable" attraction.

Drew thinks this particular story was made up by the way, to get a bill passed in the UK parliament.

So, what's going on in the human brain (and why did the CNN writer just put "inevitable" without feeling they have to explain)?

Being attracted to people like ourselves is good? But not if we're too alike? And something about being brought up together hits a kind of kill-switch on being attracted to brothers and sisters? We don't automatically recognise our own genes and rule that person out as a mate?

Is my son dangerous?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 07:59:49 -0800

I have two children. One is a male teenager [17], and the other is an infant girl. Soon after my daughter was born I discovered that my son had been looking up porn fiction on the net. I was disturbed by the content. It was predominantly incest based, fantasies of hot juicy mothers and sexually frustrated seductive teen sisters. My son is borderline Asperger’s and is pretty socially awkward, but generally a sweet, kind, young man.

As far as any parent ever knows, I believe he was never sexually abused. He’s never had a girlfriend but seems to like them. I base this on the fact that he buys sports illustrated and hates sport. He is also heavily into manga.

Some background: I’m not a juicy hot mama [think Rosie O’Donnell like] and he was appropriately embarrassed whenever he saw me nursing the baby. He has been appropriate in every way his entire life with his dad and me.

Is he abnormal or a danger to the baby? I never raised the issue with him, he doesn’t know I know.

throw away account is worrisomeson@hotmail.com

Well at least she won't want me to meet her parents, right?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 11:15:48 -0800

Are we distantly related enough that this isn't incest? A friend introduced me to a beautiful woman with the same uncommon last name as me. We hit it off and basically spent the last week in bed. We'd talked about how weird it is that we have the same name, and two nights ago we went through family history in pretty intense detail. Turns out that we share a great-grandfather.

Legally, this is not incest. Socially, is it? America (the country of residence) is really grossed out by the idea of incest. Is dating going to cause trouble? I know it would be awkward to explain why we have the same name, and there are a few other situations that would just be weird. The friend who introduced us says she thinks it's distant enough, but what about people that haven't known both of us for five years and understand how complicated our families are?

She's an incredible girl, and I really want to stick with it. Advice would be appreciated. Jokes about Kentucky will be tolerated.

Are incest fantasies common? Are they healthy and acceptable?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2006 16:26:38 -0800

Questions about a sexual fantasy that may be disturbing to some people. How common are incest fantasies (and I do stress the fantasies part - they have nothing to do with real life or real people. And no minors in the fantasies.)? Are they considered psychologically healthy fantasies to have? Are there theories as to the roots of such fantasies?

If they are healthy fantasies, will they ever become more socially acceptable, as bdsm and rape fantasies have done? And if anyone who has these fantasies him/herself is willing to speak up, how have you dealt with the shame attached? Are you able to be open about these fantasies to trusted significant others, friends or family?

And if they are not healthy, would simply trying to suppress them and not think about them make them worst or more intense?

I would love to hear people's personal opinions, but any helpful quotes from or links to professional studies and opinions would also be very much appeciated, as google didn't turn up any. Your comments may save me from unbearable shame and constantly beating myself up - I'm getting sick and tired of it and have enough other emotional problems to deal with already. I sincerely thank you for any helpful advice you can give me.