Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with inappropriate

Need inappropriate office party behaviors

arniec — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:29:06 -0800

For Christmas Card art--what are some inappropriate workplace party behaviors that can be portrayed in a single drawing? I'm working on having an artist do our company annual Christmas card, and this year we're doing a Far Side-ish cartoon of an inappropriate office party. For example, there will be someone Xeroxing their behind, and some people making out in the office supplies closet.

What other types of activities can be/should be included here? The funnier the better. But it can't be too involved, a single frame of someone "in the act" needs to convey the whole bit. But our artist is very very good, so if you have ideas, please post them and he might be able to make them work.

Thank you for ideas!

(and would a lampshade on a head be a workplace thing, or is that specifically a house party type behavior?)

Am I overreacting, or was my instructor's film choice really inappropriate?

kitcat — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:45:06 -0800

Was it inappropriate for my instructor to have us view and write about this film for our midterm? I need some other viewpoints on this situation: I'm taking an Organization Behaviour class as part of my IT diploma program. For our midterm, we had to view Paul Haggis' Crash (not the Crohnenberg film). If you've seen the film, it addresses racial strife in LA. I have to admit, I don't like the instructor and I'm baffled by his film choice - a film about - I don't know, an organization - would have been made a lot more sense. But what's really been bothering me is that the film has a scene where a woman is molested, in a very explicit, disgusting and camera-lingering fashion.

I'm the only woman in the class (enrollment in the entire program is less than 10% female, so this is not uncommon). Furthermore, there is only one black student and one Asian student in our class (if you haven't seen the film, the racism it shows centers around black people, Asians and Hispanics - no Hispanics in the class) We didn't *have* to watch it together as a class, but most of us chose to do that instead of going home and renting it.

Even as a 29 year-old woman, I felt uncomfortable watching the molestation scene with my mostly 21 year-old classmates (would it have felt different if they were older? I don't know). I can't speak for how the other students felt.

If I was teaching a class with one student in a wheelchair, I would not show a film depicting any kind of harassment towards people with mobility issues. Unless the course was about mobility issues. I would only show a film with racism if there was a module specifically about racism. And I don't know if I would ever, ever show a film depicting sexual violence towards women.

Please help me figure out specifically what is it about this that's got me feeling like something yicky has happened? Was the film choice inappropriate, what kind of inappropriate, and should I write a letter about this to the department? Or am I simply out to lunch, or using the film choice as an excuse to disparage an instructor I already dislike?

Finally, please don't tell me that watching this film was good for me/us. I'm a former lit major, and this depictions of race here are extremely problematic.

My inappropriate attention spidey sense is tingling

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:31:11 -0800

When I was a young girl, my brother's best friend made very inappropriate advances to me. My brother and his family are visiting this friend on the weekend, and I have a concern about how the friend will behave to my young niece. There are complications over what I should do … I have never told anyone in my family about this, and I wasn't physically harmed, but there are still tiny but incessant alarm bells many years later. The families are meeting at a social event, so it's not like brother's friend and niece are likely to be alone at any time.

I live in another country, so I won't be able to keep an eye out. My brother's wife will not be there, so I won't be able to say, "Hey sis-in-law, [bloke] acted weirdly around me when I was a kid. Watch him if he's near [niece]." My mother is friends with brother's best friend's parents, and would be reduced to a torrent of worry about things that happened years ago. My brother is not the best communicator, and doesn't handle messages beyond daily pleasantries very well.

While I'm 99.5% sure nothing will happen, what can I do? Should I warn someone, or just let the whole thing go?

Was it inappropriate for a highway patrolman to ask me to sit in his car?

selavy — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:41:45 -0800

As a female 22 year old citizen, was it out of line for the male highway patrol officer to ask me to sit in the front seat of his vehicle with him while he filled out an official warning? I live in Oklahoma City, which may or may not be relevant. A couple weeks ago I was driving down the interstate on a Friday night at about 10PM and I was too close to the person in front of me and got pulled over. I was driving my dad's V10 Dodge truck and I am a 22 year old female, which may also be relevant. The Oklahoma Highway Patrolman pulled me over onto the area between the exit and the highway because I was originally in the left lane. He asked for my driver's license and insurance which I complied with, but I couldn't find current insurance in the truck in a timely manner and he said the expired proof of insurance would be fine. He went to his car for a minute then came back and asked me to step out of the truck and go to his car. So, I sat in his front seat while he asked me questions and filled out an official warning for following too closely. I had never been asked to get out of my car before when pulled over, but my first thought was that he was going to test me for alcohol, which I would have complied with since I hadn't been drinking. But he never asked me anything about whether I'd been drinking at all, gave me the ticket, told me not to drink and drive, and went on his way. I told my boyfriend and my mom about the occurrence and they were very concerned and thought that the highway patrolman's actions were borderline sexual harassment. What do you think? Should I have gotten in his car? If not, how would I refuse that to a police officer in the future? Answers from people with actual experience in law enforcement would be greatly appreciated.

How do I tell an odd stranger to back off?

vickyverky — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 10:50:28 -0800

How do I explain to an acquaintance with learning difficulties that his language and actions are unwanted? Some background: I take the same train to work every day, and have always been the sort of person who talks to strangers.

Over the past few months I've been chatting with a man I'll call "Joey," who lives in a care home/shelter near the train station. He is very shabby, but not a drinker or a drug user; in fact, he is mostly very childlike. He may have some mental disability that makes him that way, but I couldn't diagnose him based on that. He takes the same train downtown, and we usually chat about general stuff, like sports or weather or food.

Joey doesn't ask for money, and I don't give him any. I don't know what his mental health is like, but I suspect he's somewhere on the autism spectrum. He is very literal, and he will answer direct questions, but not volunteer much information beyond the answer. He is childishly friendly, although I think he's in his fifties. He is just an odd bird.

He knows I am married, and a couple of weeks ago he announced at top volume on the train, "I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I DO IT BY MYSELF, BUT WHAT DOES SEXUAL INTERCOURSE FEEL LIKE WITH A LADY?" I told him very firmly and quietly that it was a private thing that you do in private, but that he shouldn't ask those sorts of questions in public. He said he wanted to be with a woman and know what it was like, so I sidestepped and told him he had to make friends with a lady first, and then talk to her about it.

He hadn't been inappropriate like that since, but this morning he tried to grab my hand and started shouting, "I WANT TO DO IT WITH SOMEBODY." I told him again, nicely and firmly, that he shouldn't just touch people without their permission, because they may not like it.

He seemed to get this, but I'm worried that by being friendly to him, I have given him an "out" to express his feelings to a woman, and I don't really know what to do next.

I'd appreciate any advice from mental health professionals, or others who might have some guidance in what I could say next time. I don't want to just stop talking to him, because I get the impression he leads a fairly lonely existence -- but I also don't want to have to fend him off every morning, either.

How to delete an IM on Skype before it is received? [AccidentalInappropriateMessageFilter]

anthropomorphic — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:29:41 -0800

My boyfriend Skype-IMed his mother a very dirty greeting that was meant for me. It still shows the circling icon that I think happens when you try to send a user a message when the user does not have Skype running at the time. Is there any way to delete this before she gets it? He's freaking out, as you would too, if I told you what he just told his mother.

How can I tell someone they're dressed inappropriately at work?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 14:35:13 -0800

An intern at work is dressing very inappropriately. Is there any way I can tell her nicely to tone it down? I'm a male attorney at a law firm. We have a law clerk who's been with us since January and is a 2nd year law student. Since the beginning, she wears tops that plung down her neckline and put her breasts on display. I'm not a prude and I think a little cleavage is fun for everyone. But, this girl is taking it a bit far.

Since she's started working with us, she's always wortn tops that show a lot more cleavage than is work appropriate. It's gotten to where when I have a research assignment for her, I have to concentrate on her face rather than her breasts. The other associates (especially the females) have been making very disparaging comments about her lately, and I feel bad for her.

I wish I could go to the managing partner, but he's a perv and would probably prefer it if the clerk came in topless every day.

Is there a diplomatic way I can speak to this clerk and let her know that her attire isn't work appropriate?

Do they really know?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 08:23:08 -0800

Will my inappropriate crush know? How do I keep it hidden? I've had a good female friend for 10 years (I'm a guy). We were just normal part-of-a-group friends for a long time. I really never felt any chemistry between us, although, admittedly, she's never much of a flirt, (ok, she basically cannot flirt at all), especially for a beautiful woman. I appeared to be the only guy in our group that did not have a secret crush on her.

About two years ago, we got into a little spat that was basically her fault. It wasn't a big deal, but somehow festered into us not talking for two months.

Eventually I ran into her on the street and she apologized for not calling me about the "incident." I said no problem and we hung out with our group of friends without incident a few days later. Things seemed totally normal.

She was looking for a job on the other side of the country and soon found it. In the two months she had left in our city, she started wanting to hang out with me a lot, and seemed to want to avoid group things and just do stuff me and her. I thought nothing of it, until she specifically requested that her and I go to dinner "just the two of us" a few days before she was going to leave. I suddenly got the distinct impression she was crushing on me and hoping maybe I would do something. I didn't really feel that way about her, despite the fact that she's objectively better looking than me. I think the lack of my interest involved her being somewhat cooler and less passionate than the "difficult type" I find myself generally attracted to.

When she arrived in her new place on the opposite coast, she started calling me twice a week. I rarely called her back, as I'm not much of a phone person. This continued for six months. I didn't think much of it until I learned that she was really not calling anyone else in the group but me, including female friends who I thought she was much closer to. I started to get the feeling she was crushing on me again. Several of the male friends we share started making comments that she had a crush on me. I discounted their statements because she's tall and is practically obsessed with tall guys and I'm shorter than her. I also learned that while we weren't talking, she was asking all our friends what she should do about the "incident" and was apparently pretty upset about us not talking.

At some point during these calls, I started teasing her about calling me all the time and wondered aloud how I became her best friend. She laughed about it and more or less admitted it was true. (She's not my best friend by far, but a good friend nonetheless).

I must admit I enjoyed the attention, without being intersted on my own side.

After a year, the calls slowed down a bit due to a lot going on with her, down to once a week. Through this whole period, we had talked about me coming out for a visit, as I have other friends in the area. Other members of the group went and visited her, but despite her request, I didn't come because I had a family event.

A few weeks ago, she started calling again relatively frequently. She has begun talking about moving back to where I live, which is the world center of what she does for a living. She states repeatedly that she misses her friends here and how great these friends are. We had also been discussing me coming out to visit her and my other friends.

During one of those calls, as she was laughing at my jokes, I suddenly felt attracted to her.

I have been upset about this since I felt this way and have felt crushing feelings towards since that time. Suddenly I care who is calling and when and feel upset if she doesn't return my call when I would like it. I think about her in sexual contexts and she is my distraction of choice. She has nothing going on with any guys, as usual.

Recently when I started to finalize my plans, she found out that she had been accepted for a volunteer trip and asked that I postpone a month so she could take extra time off and we could go to her parents cabin. I agreed.

Since that time I've been pretty wound up about the whole thing. I am concerned about spending time with her as I am pretty sure she isn't into me in that way, especially because of the height thing, which is pretty important to her.

I am concerned that I will not be able to hide my new, different feelings for her and that she will "know" that I like her and I will be upset. I don't want to feel rejected and I wish I wasn't having these feelings and want things to go back to where they were before. My fear is increased by the fact that we will be spending what appears to be a lot of "alone time" at her parent's cabin.

My question is two-fold: Will she know I am now crushing on her? and is there anyway that I can hide this from her while staying out there?

thanks!

Professor calling female students beautiful- is that bad?

Baethan — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:17:28 -0800

A professor singled out a (blond, pretty) female student in a relatively small class and asked several male students and one female student to describe her beauty. The men were asked to describe her as though they were trying to tell a male friend how beautiful she is, while the woman was asked to describe her as though she was a family member. Should I register a complaint with the university? This professor went on to single out almost every female in the room over the course of the class. He something about their beauty to each one (mixed in with what he was teaching), with the exception of an older-looking woman and an overweight woman. (And me. He ignored me almost completely, but I am not considering complaining because I feel hurt- I have had enough time to cool down. I expect he ignored me because I was making eye contact throughout the class and probably started looking pissed off after a bit.)

He also asked two of the women whether they cooked. He did not ask any of the men whether they cooked, nor did he talk about their physical beauty or ask other students to describe their looks. He did not call on the men unless they indicated they had a response, but he asked for responses from women and asked a few of the women to read out loud.

This was in an English class, by the way, and all the comments he made were somehow related to his lecture. The incident in the first paragraph was apparently a demonstration of descriptive language.

I'd like MeFi's opinion on this because of a few things: this was my first class with the professor, and I have already switched into a different class- I don't know if two hours of this nonsense is enough basis to make a complaint. The class did have more women than men- I think it was something like 5 guys to 10 girls. The professor brought up discrimination, specifically related to race (he's black, and from Nigeria) at one point, and towards the end of the class said that when he started teaching at the university, some girls from one of his classes reported him for calling them "ladies"; he said he explained to them that he uses the term to honor women, not insult them.

I don't know that any complaint I make will stay anonymous and I plan to major in English, so I don't want to get on any of the other teachers' grudge lists. If I stayed in the class I would have made these comments on the teacher/class evaluation sheet, but I've decided to switch out (different teacher, same class). No one complained during class and I don't know that anyone else will be complaining to the university. So, is he harmless and should I just forget it, or should I complain? Also, my mother suggested that I explain what happened to the professor of the class I switched into if she seems nice- to me that screams DANGER! but I suppose it's an option.

Help me get my landlord to stop saying inappropriate things to me.

Anonymous — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:39:50 -0800

Help me get my landlord to stop saying inappropriate things to me. I am a young woman who lives in a house that has been converted into a few apartments. My landlord lives in one of those apartments. He is generally very nice, and goes out of his way to help me with things, but he is making me increasingly uncomfortable. He'll make random comments about my body or appearance, like, "I've noticed you're showing a lot of leg lately," or, "I'm so lucky that such attractive young women rent my apartments." He usually says these things not as part of a conversation, but as the only thing he says to me when passing me in the house or on the street. He also tells me totally off-the-wall, inappropriate stories. Once he told me an extended story about a friend of his who watched a photoshoot of a naked woman, in which my landlord managed to insert the fact that he's circumcised. It was completely unrelated to anything, and I could not figure out why he was telling me. He also enters my apartment without notice (sometimes without knocking). I feel unsafe here, and I often feel like I have to sneak around to avoid being harassed.

He's retired, so he's around the house or yard most of the time. He's probably in his late 50s, maybe early 60s, so not old enough to have dementia.

I've been here for a year and will be moving in another couple of months, so I'm debating whether it's even worth it to say something. I feel like he needs to be made aware that what he's doing is inappropriate, regardless of whether it continues to affect me or not. I'm pretty bad at confrontation, especially when I'm going to have to see the person on an ongoing basis, but I also know that I need to stand up for myself.

So, my questions are:
1) Am I overreacting?
2) Should I just suck it up and deal with it, or should I say something?
3) If I should say something, how can I phrase it to maximize the chance that the next couple months are not hugely uncomfortable?

Help me get out of this weird friendship!

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:04:20 -0800

How do I politely and professional break of ties with a sort of creepy former colleague? I'm a mid-20s woman. While at my previous company, I became "friends" with a relatively high-level guy at a client I was working with. It started when he indicated how impressed he was with my work, and we'd occasionally trade friendly professional email. It then started going down the path of politely teasing me, then occasionally into things like "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend!" This guy has kids my age and (seems to be) happily married, so it understandably made me uncomfortable. But, for harmony between his company and mine, and also because I don't like dealing with this sort of conflict, I mostly laughed it off and talked my way out of uncomfortable moments.

Last summer, I noticed him acting very similarly with his young female intern, so this seems to be a thing for him.

Anyway, I left my old company, and over the last six or so months he's continued to email me with updates on what his kids are up to, or pictures from his family vacation, or sending me links he thinks I'd like. I've pretty much ignored them or just responded with a one-line "thanks, looks cool."

He's often self-deprecating, and if he says something that even *he* thinks could be construed as obviously inappropriate, he'll backpedal and say, "Just let me know if this bothers you." That puts me in an awkward situation, and I've never really been able to say "Yeah, this bothers me." I've only called him on something he said once, but that was because it was relatively public and other colleagues could REALLY have taken it badly.

Today I got an email from him asking "What's up? I haven't heard from you in a while. Should I stop trying to chat with you?"

How do I take advantage of this and finally bow out of this weird creepy "friendship" for once and for all? I want to be polite about it, because it's not unlikely that we'd run in to each other in professional situations in the future, and we have a number of mutual friends and acquaintances at my old company. But just as I haven't found a good way to do it in the past, I'm having trouble thinking of the right thing to say now.

Fix my faux pas or forget it?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 07:08:23 -0800

Should I try to fix some insensitive behaviour of mine? I was speaking to a colleague today who I don't see as often as I used to, maybe once a quarter. I admired her sweater, she mentioned it was from her mother. I asked whether her mother was still at home (knowing that she had had Alzheimer’s for several years now AND not wanting to avoid talking about it because, you know, people do), and it turns out her mother is in care. I think I said, I'm sorry, that must be hard. How's your stepdad taking it? She tells me that he's at home by himself, and doesn't want to go into care, but because he's had a stroke and now has no-one to talk to, he's losing speech abilities. That's rough, I said. Does he get a chance to see your mum? I asked. Once a week, she said, he gets a taxi and spends time with her, and they feed him, and he gets community support in the form of supplied meals. It must be hard, I said, for him, seeing her. Not that it isn't for you, (panic) but he's there watching it happen. (Oh god.) And then she mentioned that they met through an agency 20 years ago, and married, and so on. She did tell me that her mother still recognised her and knew her but that was about it.

Later, we went to coffee with another colleague and didn't mention it again, but it wasn't until 3 hours later, after I left work that I realised how much I minimised what she must be going through.

So, I was an insensitive callous cow, but every time I think of contacting her to say, "hey, colleague, I was such an insensitive callous cow, I'm sorry, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, and by the way, did I mention, I'm insensitive," it seems like it's about me feeling better, and not about her.

So, if you had a friend/colleague ever be stupid like that, and you think like a woman, would you have preferred that they just shut up and forget it, or made contact. Other issues include that she works in another branch so face-to-face won’t occur for about 3 months, and I guess you can imagine, my primitive social skills might cause a phone call to make it worse, which leaves a letter, card or email, and they all seem wrong.

So what would you do? What's the kindest thing to do?

My mother-in-law secretly baptized my Jewish children

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:33:26 -0800

I'm Jewish. My wife converted many years ago. I found out that my Mother-In-Law secretly baptized my children. My wife does not know.

Whatever respect I have for my mother-in-law is shattered. Along with my trust. I have no idea where to begin. How could a mother do this to her daughter? How could she mock my children's religion? How could a Priest allow this?

And it gets deeper. Person A told Person B. Person B, who could no longer keep this to themselves, cracked and told me. need to let person A know that B told me. Person A, who is very dear to me, is not in a position where I expected them to tell me. But A and B were put in an awful position of knowing this while my wife and I were in the dark.

I don't any real hard facts or evidence but now I need to find out what is going on. All I really know is that this was done swiftly with an at-home kit. I also learned that my MIL's current Priest, who only recently took over the church, expressed disapproval upon finding out that this happened.

My children are very knowledgeable and proud of their religion. I do not believe that they are damaged (no offense anyone)in the least.

I need to find out what happened and I need to deal with this. Of course, I have no idea how to break this to my wife. I figure that having facts will make this easier.

I have a good relationship with my father-in-law, I figure I can let him know I found out and discuss this. Considering the family dynamics, I'm sure that father-in-law didn't know about this act until it happened.

I feel like I can also ask the current Priest, as I have a good relationship with him; and I would expect a Priest to tell the truth.

It's inappropriate for you to do that

happyturtle — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 10:25:27 -0800

UKEmploymentfilter: What was the point of the meeting my boss had with me today? As described in this question, I have filed a formal grievance at work. The resolution I am seeking is that the company conduct a formal stress assessment as recommended by the Health and Safety Executive.

The next step in the company's grievance policy is a meeting between me, the HR manager (A) and the company's health and safety manager (B).

B has already emailed me and said that I was the only employee from my location who has complained about stress, and that he would not accept hearsay or word of mouth such as 'Everyone feels this way'.

Since B won't accept my word about it, and since B refuses to do a formal survey, I decided to do a survey myself. I passed it out this morning, putting one on everyone's desk before the work day started. I wrote and printed it at home, and did not use company resources in any way. I took great care to be professional in the wording, and did not mention the formal complaint. There was a note on the bottom of the survey asking them to pass it back to me if they wished to participate. I did not badger anyone in any way. I got over 25% of them back.

This afternoon, my manager (C) called me into a meeting to say that they thought it was 'inappropriate' for me to do this. He then admitted that he knew they couldn't stop me from doing it, or take up the surveys that were still floating around. But he kept insisting it was inappropriate. I asked him why, and the only thing he could come up with was that the company should be the one doing the survey. I pointed out that A and B had already flat out refused to do a survey. He then said I should have waited until the next formal meeting in the grievance procedure. I said I was doing it before that meeting so that I could take the evidence with me.

So what was the real purpose of this meeting? "Oh hey, you, that thing you are doing. We're not allowed to stop you doing it, but it's inappropriate for you to do it." WTF?

Some further points that may or may not be relevant:
* C did not initiate the meeting. C's boss told him to have the meeting with me. I'm pretty sure that C's preference would have been to ignore everything.
* Nearly every meeting I've had in respect of the formal grievance has ended with me in tears. I managed to hold back in this one, mostly because it was so absurd. But a paranoid part of me is saying 'They know meetings make you cry, so they told C to have a meeting about it.'
* Management does not know the results of the survey, but they probably guess (correctly) that it indicates that I was right when I said it wasn't just me.

Are they just trying to intimidate me? Is this bullying? Is there some possibility I'm missing? Management incompetence? I just can't see what the company gets out of this meeting.

Lingering crush on coworker.

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 13:04:01 -0800

Lingering, inappropriate crush on coworker driving me batty (long). I have a several months-old crush on a coworker (let's call her M). She was originally on as an intern, and then, after a brief absence, returned as a full-time employee. We share an office (it's a human rights non-profit), and we work closely on a lot of projects. She's wonderful, intelligent, gorgeous, hilarious. We share a lot of common extracurricular interests. In terms of our work, she feels like a philosophical kindred spirit to me in an office-full of people who often seem to be at odds with my theoretical approach to what we do.

M has a boyfriend, Q. I'm not sure how long they've gone out, maybe six months. She has, a couple of times, mentioned areas of incompatibility with the boyfriend when I've described my own feelings on a given subject. For instance, she and I both love going to the movies, whereas Q likes going to see live music and often takes her to loud concerts with him. Q loves dive bars, M and I don't. I met Q two or three weeks back at an outing with a bunch of my coworkers including M, and he seems like quite a nice fellow, although very different from the sort of guy I'd expected M to be interested in. Admittedly, I was sort of flattering myself and my hopes here -- I'd imagined that I was her "type," physically, but Q doesn't look anything like me. Despite the occasional expressions of mild displeasure, mostly M just mentions how she and Q spend time together and are apparently very happy. She's also said and done absolutely nothing to indicate she has the glimmer of anything besides a professional interest in me.

I'm thinking the best case scenario here, realistically, is that M and I will have a great relationship as like-minded colleagues in a challenging profession for which we both have a passion. Unrealistically, I can hold out hope that M and Q will break up due to their difference in dive bar proclivities, and somehow M and I would finagle a relationship that would end in professional bliss, cohabitation, and numerous adorable children. I'm not holding my breath. Worst case scenario is that I do end up holding my breath for years and feeling awful. Apocalyptic worst case scenario is that I frustratedly pledge my feelings to her in a way that skeezes her out, making her uncomfortable enough to slap a sexual harassment suit on me, my actions thus making worklife stressfull and miserable for everybody in the office, getting me fired, etc. (I don't actually think I would do this.)

This is where it gets yucky. I feel like my interest in M is growing increasingly obsessive. I come home, and I have a hard time not thinking about her and getting upset. I wake up at night thinking about this. The other day, I was feeling so wound up about it that I went on what was for me a long (90 minute) bike ride, and still when I came home I had enough negative energy about it that I paced around in circles in my apartment still worrying about it for another hour. I find myself wishing horrible, nasty, selfish things (i.e., for me to meet Q and for him to turn out to be a huge asshole). I tried (unsuccessfully) to find a friendster profile for her boyfriend so as to -- I dunno -- learn his weaknesses? It's stupid, and frankly I'm starting to creep myself out.

Here's the question: How do I get myself to stop being a baby and to get over this crap? I go on internet dates aplenty, I spend plenty of time with my non-work-related friends, I have time-consuming hobbies, I get a decent amount of exercise (biking), but still I come home from work and I tie myself in knots about this. I've looked at the relevant Ask MeFi "work and dating"-tagged threads. I'm seeing a shrink. For the next year or so, it won't be possible for me to transfer to another department at work. I fully realize that M is not perfect (she can be a little bratty and workaholicy), but I love all the time we get to spend together at work. I'm just bonkers about her...and I'm worried that the emphasis is increasingly on me being bonkers. I do okay when I'm consumed with something difficult (e.g. my work, the music class I take once a week), but I find that any down time quickly ends up with me getting upset, my thoughts obsessively drifting back to M. Occasionally I lie on the bare hardwood floor of my apartment crying and listening to bad music. Occasionally I also get so frustrated with things that I get the urge to start punching myself in the head. Sometimes I actually follow this urge, not hitting myself in such a way that I draw blood, but hard enough that I have a headache the next day. (This last behavior is, of course, the main reason why I decided to get into therapy a year or so ago. I'm not on meds but am open to the idea.) I also have the nagging sense lately of feeling sorry for anybody who dates me since I'm such a moody bastard. I realize that perseverating on this line of thinking is not particularly productive.

What do I do to stop feeling like a self-indulgent melancholy teenager? I'm too old (27) to be acting like this.

nude sitting request

frosty_hut — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 14:10:34 -0800

A co-worker has an odd request... I work in a kind of artsy environment. I got into a conversation with a male co-worker the other day (I'm female) about painting. Now that I wish I could recall how it began, I can't remember how we started talking about nudes. Anyway, he said his wife is a painter and she also occasionally paints nudes. He added that he's been trying to get her to paint a nude of him for years, but she hasn't done it yet.

This guy--I'll call him Giles--asked me if I paint nudes. I said I occasionally did, which is true, but then I realized the conversation was getting sort of strange and I immediately wished I hadn't elaborated. He asked me if I'd ever painted a male nude, and I said I hadn't done anything like that since life class in college. Giles then asked me if I would consider painting him nude. I sort of went straight into efficiency mode and said, sure, I could do that but since both of us are very busy, it might make more sense to snap a photo that I could use, rather than spend hours in a sitting. I didn't have any intention of either painting Giles nude or snapping his picture with the same intent--but I wasn't thinking, and I turn into a motormouth when I'm nervous or on the spot. I just hoped the whole thing would be forgotten.

The next day, I saw Giles again and he immediately brought up the damn painting. Our boss was right there, so Giles didn't mention the nude thing, but he did blurt out: Say, Frosty, I'm serious, I want you to paint me. My boss turns to me and says, Oh, you're a painter? And it's just getting weirder by the minute. I said, Look. Giles, shouldn't we clear this with your wife first? I was sort of laughing, trying to express to our boss and any bystanders, and indirectly to Giles, that I was treating the whole thing as a joke. Giles said, sure, everything has to be cleared with her anyway.

I'm sure as shit that my own husband would not be cool with me painting a male co-worker nude, and I'm actually not that good an artist anyway, and the whole thing would be freaky and uncomfortable. I do get a vibe from Giles that he's attracted to me, though he's not at all flirtatious in the slap-and-tickle way--he's very serious, even pompous, and a bit of an egomaniac. I happen to like Giles (although my husband thinks he's a pretentious dick), and I don't want to cause any friction with him because I do work with him, and he's been one of the nicer people at my job, and I need that kind of social support. I don't want to lose a good work relationship, but I'm going to have to wiggle out of the painting thing.

How can I do this gracefully? I'd be less weirded out if he wanted to paint ME nude. Thoughts?

Retraining cat that pees inappropriately

zenpop — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 17:21:45 -0800

My cat has started urinating in inappropriate spots in my house (and also my friend's house who was taking care of her and my other cat while I went through a move). I've read the threads here on dealing with urine smell, etc. But need more detailed advice about the process of RETRAINING. I've had her taken to the vet and she checked out fine. And yes there are all the classic situations happening that cause behavior problems: i.e. I've had to move residence, with the upheaval of packing and boxes lying around all over (which she would pee in), not to mention my own stressed out state of mind during the chaos. As I got crazier she seemed to freak out more and start peeing in spots outside of her box.

I'm wanting to know from other MetaFilter folk how they retrained their peeing cat.

I'm thinking of confining her, in the new house that I'll be taking her to soon, in the laundry room (which has a decent amount of space) with her bed and food and water. There is a cat door in this room that leads to a small enclosed spot in the garage that will have her litter box. If I keep her in there for about five days or so does that seem long enough for her to relearn using her box.

Should I also put my other cat in there with her, who is acting fine, for company? And make her go through the five day process? Or should it be longer than that?

I'm at the end of my rope and would hate to get rid of her. She's been a great cat for the last three years, but, well, we all know what cat piss smells like.

I need a fake ID detector!

Anonymous — Wed, 16 May 2007 18:30:04 -0800

Members of my family conspired to create a false identity for a sibling years ago--mine! How can I ensure that this ID is no longer being used? In the 1990s, I applied for my first driver's license and discovered that a sibling already had a state ID card (non-driver) in my name, but with their home address on it. They also had a warrant out for "my" arrest. It turned out that a family member had given the sibling a copy of my birth certificate. With some help from a lawyer, I was able to clear the warrant and obtain my own license.

While helping organize another relative's papers, I have found some of their canceled checks from around the same period that, while made out to my name, were not signed by me. I'm 99.4% certain that the signer is this same sibling. Great, looks like most of my family was aware of this identify fraud and helped it to happen, yay me!

I'm older and wiser now, and am concerned, while I did get my own driver's license and the warrant struck from my record, that this false identity might still be in use. I would not put it past my sibling, especially if they found themselves in an awkward situation they would rather not take responsibility for.

Without confronting anyone in the family, since they will just lie or yell, is there any way that I can look into DMV or other public records to determine if this ID is still being used? This all happened in California.

For any follow up questions or private messages, I can be reached at siblingrivalry@hushmail.com. Thanks.

What do I do about my boss?!

dearest — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 20:00:15 -0800

How do I deal with the most unprofessional and innapropriate boss? I'm about 7 months into my first full time job out of college. My boss is constantly innapropriate and unprofessional.

Lately he's made it point to pick fights with my co-workers and me, calling us liars, lazy and slow. He complains about his job constantly and demands to look at our paychecks because he "swears we get paid more than he does."

He brags about how he dropped out of high school, and we should have "never wasted our time in college." He's made numerous racial slurs against clients, and has made suggestive comments toward us females that work in the office.

Just yesterday he threw a temper tantrum and started throwing things across his office, and slamming doors and drawers. He's gone weeks giving us the silent treatment before.

I guess the icing on the cake was when looking at the history of his browser while he was on vacation, I found that he's watches porn all day long.
I guess I can't really report this because I shouldn't have been snooping. Or can I?

As far as business dealings are concerned he fudges sales numbers and monthly goals in order to make himself look better to the corporate office. He even fell asleep during a meeting today.

I like where I work, It's a job that wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't there.

Talking to his supervisor is nearly pointless because they live together.
(I know, that's unprofessional as well)

I can't take it any longer. I'm not sure what to do.
Is this what I should expect in the real world?
How do we get this guy outta here?!

Boss comments crossing line to sexual harassment?

sperose — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 13:38:21 -0800

My friend has a problem with a comment her new boss made to her the other day, involving her supposedly "inappropriate" clothing. What would other females do in this sort of situation? [more inside] has her side of the story. "my boss said something really uncomfortable to me at work yesterday. i'm the new girl, so i really had no choice but to smile and nod and agree with him.

my department (tech support) has four employees (including myself), one supervisor, and one boss. that's six people total; i, along with a woman named diane, are the only females on the staff. this incident occured yesterday after diane had gone home for the day.

i was doing something that was unusual, and technically not in my job description. a newspaper in ann arbor needed six of our computers, so i was helping to bubble-pack them up, put them into boxes, and get them ready to be shipped out. i was wearing a tank top and a cardigan sweater with khakis; perfectly acceptable for the business-casual dress code.

about an hour later, far after the packing was completed, my boss called me into his enclosed office. "i want to talk to you for a second," he said. i knew that i had accidentally uttered the word "shit" earlier in the day, so i figured it had something to do with that. or, perhaps, he was going to discuss my progress so far, and what my next step in training would be. (this was only my third day on the job, after all.)

i sat down in a chair while he stood.

"summer," he said, "earlier when you were packing boxes, your shirt was...too revealing. when you were bending down, you were, uh, exposing yourself," he said akwardly, "and i'm not sure if anyone else noticed it, but i did."

i froze in my chair. this is not a slap on the wrist for saying "shit"; this is far worse. i was as frozen as a statue, developing a cold and uncomfortable sweat, and nonetheless: my "new hire" self could only smile, nod, and agree.

he continued. "i just wanted you to know that, so it doesn't happen again."

i mustered out a reply. "sorry; i didn't think i'd be bending down to pack up boxes today."

"it's okay, but just remember."

"okay."

but here's my point: i don't think i did anything wrong. i was wearing a perfectly acceptable shirt for work -- almost ANY shirt suitable for business would be "revealing" if the female wearing it bent down at the proper angle. it was nothing i could control -- hell, i can't afford any new shirts anyway, right now -- but that's not even the point. the point is this: PLEASE DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME. and if, mr. boss, you DO happen to see down my shirt as i'm bending over, i'd appreciate it if you would keep it to yourself.

and because he DIDN'T keep it to himself, i feel insulted and somewhat ridiculed. my new job, my NEW office -- it's not going to be a comfortable environment for me any more.

what should i do?"

Any idea of what would be the next proper action to occur in this situation?

Thanks everyone.