Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with in-laws

How to handle Christmas stay envy?

Flitcraft — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:45:33 -0800

What's the best way to stand up to my mother about Christmas and to handle her jealousy about our better relationship with my partner's parents? She's determined to make the holiday season into a zero sum game with my partner's mother My partner and I originally set a rule of not going to either party's parents for Christmas, but doing our own thing instead- partly to have fun and partly to avoid my very difficult mother who goes into overdrive at Christmas. This worked until partner agreed that we should spend last Christmas with his parents, arguing that just because my mother is very difficult, his mother shouldn't be deprived. We weren't able to stop my mother finding out, and she's now trying to leverage it into guilting us into spending Christmas with her and my stepfather. When I say no, (and I'm going to) there's going to be a major tantrum about why she isn't getting the same treatment and she will cast up to me everything I/we've done with my partner's parents. The truth is, they're a lot easier to get on with, and we're a lot more comfortable with them, but I can't say this to her without hurting her/ making for an even worse argument. What's the best way to handle her jealousy of our better relationship with my partner's parents?

There's a sure-as-shooting sucker born a minute, but Ma'am you mighta been the minute in between.

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:10:19 -0800

She spent $8,000 at a seminar on an "internet business opportunity". Now what? My mother-in-law is bright and professional (she has been a CFO for 30 years), but one day last month, she informed us that she had attended a seminar and wanted us to be partners in her new internet business. She had already given them $7,000 for their "platinum professional package", which includes web site construction and all of the training she needs to market her web site. I agreed to help her get something started and went to work researching the company and found out easily by Googling that they have an F with the BBB and hundreds of unhappy customers who never made the six figures they were promised. She did not seem to think that this information was important to her situation, since she is obviously smarter and more motivated than the people who failed with their sites.

The next weekend she went to another seminar and they got $1,000 from her for "business development", which includes walking her through incorporating, setting up a merchant account and tax advice. Then, last Saturday, in a conference call with the two of us, their "success team" mentor convinced her to give her credit card number for another $15,000 charge for "coaching" us through the entire process step-by-step, doing all of the SEO, and a warranty that she would make her investment back in six months. I immediately convinced her to cancel the contract and get the charge reversed. I explained that if we need this part of their services later, we can always call them back and order it later when we can get something in writing and it's not just an impulse buy. She now has some understanding that they have been using high-pressure sales techniques on her to sell her things she did not need.

I am tip-toeing around this because I absolutely do not want to make her feel like she did something stupid. (Back-story: when she encouraged my developmentally disabled little sister-in-law to marry someone she knew for 5 weeks, who needed a green card and we strongly protested, the result was a two year rift and little sister being banned from speaking to us. Yes, he abused her and they are divorced already and he's been deported). So, she sometimes gets lost in hope and deep denial and I want to make sure she doesn't lose everything in the process.

I am committed to helping her build some kind of online business. I am sickened by the idea of giving this company any more money, but I know the high pressure salespeople will continue to call her because she's a good mark. (Side note: the company is in Utah, entirely Mormon and contributes a lot to Mormon politicians. I don't want any money going to fund anti marriage equality efforts ugh!)

She understands that it could take years to build an online presence and longer than that to recover her investment. She is looking for something to supplement her income and keep her busy after she retires. She is willing to take a loss on the $8,000 and not use this shady company, but is still really excited about the idea of starting from scratch to do this right. She trusts me completely at this point and is letting me take the reigns of the whole project. So, what now?

What can I tell her is a more realistic amount of money to spend on building an online store in one of the niche product areas she's interested in (green or pet products or green pet products)? I've found many quality drop-shippers and I've spoken to them on the phone and feel that they are legitimate. Is it even possible to build a business this way that can eventually bring in a regular monthly income?

How can I learn more about the process so that I can protect her from being further exploited? And how can I assertively protect her money without making her resent me? What other questions should I be asking?

Dealing with in-laws during separation?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:23:23 -0800

We are recently separated (with lots of drama), and our families and friends don't know. How do I deal with my brother in law asking to stay with “us” for a while, since he suddenly got a job in our town? Little over a month ago, my husband of 15 years quit his job and walked out on me, leaving me a letter to sort-of try to explain why. I don't know where he is exactly right now, and he has been basically incommunicado since he left (with the exception of three short messages to let me know he's alive and OK). I haven't told anyone, as I'm trying to keep it private until I at least get a chance to talk to him face to face. I thought I would have some time to sort out my own feelings about this mess while he figures out what he wants, but now things are getting more complicated.

My brother in law sent me a message to say that he unexpectedly got a fantastic job offer in our town, and he will be starting next Monday. He asked if he could stay with “us” for a little while, until he finds an apartment. It's a perfectly reasonable request - one that I would have been thrilled to grant two months ago, since we normally get along great. But now, I just don't know what to do. If I could ask my husband to get in touch with his brother to tell him what's up, I would. But like I said - incommunicado...

I can see a few options:
1 - I can tell him the truth. I like telling the truth, but I really don't want be the one to break this news to my husband's family (I love them all dearly, yet they are his family nonetheless).
2 - I can come up with an excuse for my husband not being around, then fake normalcy. My husband used to travel a lot for his job, so it wouldn't be hard. And I already do that at work and with out-of-town family (including my parents) and friends. But I am still really shocked and weepy, and it's already a strain to fake it at work. Plus I would have to lie some more, even if it's only by omission, and I hate lying.
3 - I can tell him no. While I wouldn't have to directly come out with the truth if I said no, it would still be so out of character for us that my brother in law would know right away that something is wrong.
4 - I can just ignore his message. But that is also way out of character for me, and would be really suspicious and weird. Plus it would put my brother in law in a really bad situation.
5 - I can let him borrow our apartment and go stay at a hotel, pretending that I'm out of town. But that just seems kind of silly, it's still a lie, and I would still have to come back eventually...

So my question is, basically, how do you think I should best handle this situation? Any options I haven't thought of? Also, given that I tend to err on the side of truth, the second part is “how did you tell your family/friends about your separation?”

If you have advice you want to give privately: vvu571dciu1ycan@jetable.com . Thanks.

A complaint about my brother's wife who I don't want to punch but might...

ohdeanna — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 11:48:51 -0800

How to handle the very annoying sister-in-law part of my toxic, dysfunctional family? I am either looking for advice, or, for those of you who can relate to chime in and say- Yeah, I can relate....

My family, my brother's family, and my parents all live in the same vicinity. So, it's difficult to avoid having at least some contact.

I am the designated "black sheep" and no matter what I do/ don't do any more- can't seem to shake the label and for the most part no longer care... (I had a wild youth marked by exuberance and not unoccasional bad judgement, but not any real, lasting destruction... and I have few regrets...) I am now a happily married gov employee with 3 children, a quilting hobby, and my drumkit set up in the garage.

I no longer fret about my notoriety of old except for when I have to be around my mother and my brother's wife: If you have seen "Ordinary People" you may have an idea of what my mother is like. My sister-in-law has somehow positioned herself as the golden girl and as much as I normally would laugh this sort of thing off- it's really getting to me. She's calling my mother "Mom." My mother is the least maternal, least likely to respond to this sort of sentiment- and I cringe every time she does it in front of me. (and I think she does it in front of me on purpose...) She gladhands my parents and my parents' alcohoic Republican friends at gatherings (and they are eating it up) and I am really starting to resent it in spite of my better self.

She does enough little, insinuating things- things that make me sense a rivalry from her when there is, truly, no competition- I lost that one a while ago. I think she wants to rub my face in something and I feel like punching her sometimes. Help me not to.

And, no, unfortunately I can't totally avoid these situations b/c despite my unpopularity- my children are popular in as much as they are at least ornamental to my parents.

Thanks for any sense anyone can make of this or any shared comraderie....

What do you do for drug-induced depression? Well, it's more complicated than that...

Sallysings — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 11:05:47 -0800

My mom-in-law is suffering from 1) a new life in a nursing home 2) diabetes 3) Myasthenia gravis 4) the prednisone that is controlling the Myasthenia 5) her other son who rarely visits and pretty much cuts her out of his life. What can I do to help? She's 77. Last year, she had another Myasthenia crisis, and had to be hospitalized. A few months ago we had to move her out of her own apartment and into a nursing home since her doctors believed that she can no longer live alone because she was falling so much. She feels that her independence is gone and her other son all but forgotten about her. We call her everyday, but the prednisone makes her extremely negative (she's normally a chirpy, positive person. This mamma is entirely different than the one I met 3 years ago. I'm positive that it's the drugs she's taking for diabetes, myasthenia, as well as parkinson's.)

The past few months especially has been very trying for her; her older son has been all but absent (he is the executor of her estate, and his absence means that nothing's been transferred into the nursing home account to pay for her rent there) - he visits only every so often and often does nothing but upset her more. The last visit, my sis-in-law told mom that "I know you don't love me because you didn't call on my birthday." - mamma can hardly remember what day of the week it is nowadays, let alone her birthday!

Lately I find that she's surrendering to the effects of prednisone. She used to try to fight it, I think - and lately she's been rude to other people in the nursing home and taken a major dislike to some of the stuff, and even using racial slurs in private (she's not like that either - afterall, I AM chinese and she accepted me wholeheartedly) to refer to some of them. When I tell her "you're not like that why are you saying that" she'll say things like "you're right it must be the drugs talking" then she'll go on to pick on other things that are negative. The worst thing is, none of us seem to be able to shake her out of that negative rut. It used to be so easy to maker her laugh, and now as much as we try, she just finds it hard to smile.

This will only last another 3-4 months, since they're going to re-evaluate her condition and wean her off the prednisone the upcoming summer. But meanwhile, how do we:

a) Make her older son take responsibility of being her financial executor
b) Cheer her UP!

The suggestion that we take over her finances officially has been raised, but we on this side are afraid that once that has been done, her other son will just vanish and never visit or call again (he has done so and disappeared on her for 8 months, last year for "upsetting" his wife over christmas.)

I'd like to leave the country/For a month of Sundays... but how do I tell my mother-in-law?

corvine — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 02:19:10 -0800

EmigrationFilter: How do we deal with our parents who don't/won't want us to go? Bonus if you've a) had your first kid abroad and had to deal with the whole visitation kerfuffle b) have clingy parents c) have emigrated to or live in Sweden. My husband and I are seriously considering emigrating to Sweden in four or five years' time. We have a pretty good idea of what it all entails, so I'm not asking for emigration advice in itself, just advice on how to deal with our parents.

The major stumbling block in the plan is my mother-in-law. Backstory: She's very attached to my husband (her youngest) and desperate for us to give her more grandkids (not on the agenda at the moment), and we're both really worried that us moving far away would really badly affect her, especially if we do spawn.
We currently live about 15 mins away from his parents and about 5 hours away from mine. I see my parents about 4 times a year. We've previously lived 5 hours away from his parents, and his mother was on the phone 4-5 times a day and visiting every weekend. Obviously she couldn't visit so often if we were in Sweden (and I would be driven mental if she did), she won't fly so any trips would be by boat/train, and if we ended up having a kid and she couldn't be there to fuss over it daily at a moment's notice it'd kill her. (To be brutally honest, this kind of distance would suit me perfectly when raising a child) We haven't broached the subject of moving with her yet and I daren't until plans are more concrete. I have no idea how to handle this. Is there anyone out there who's had to deal with anything like this? How do we break it to her? When should we? I have absolutely no idea how my father-in-law would react.

As far as my parents are concerned, they know that the idea is being floated. My mum seemed disappointed as I've previously said I'd like to move closer to them, but she understands I'm an adult and I'll do what I like and she will support me, unless (her words) we move somewhere low-lying that will be flooded when the sea levels rise dramatically and the world almost ends in 2012, (crackpot theory? I don't know) and then she'd be very upset. I suspect Stockholm is too low-level for her, but she'd probably be fine if we moved to the mountains. I have no idea what kind of advice I need here. My mother does nothing without consulting her horoscopes, so if I can spin mine into something indicating that emigrating would be a good idea she'd be absolutely fine with it. My dad is a lot more sensible and I expect will support me, but I haven't spoken to him directly about it.

Further notes that may be relevant: I'm an only child, my husband has a sister who lives about 45 mins away from their parents. We're in our 20s, have no kids and I don't think it's likely we will if we stay in the UK. I have a great relationship with the in-laws but would sometimes like a little more space.

Bonus question for Swedish mefites or those living in Sweden: Where in the country would you recommend? We love Stockholm but are open to just about anywhere - my only criteria is good snowboarding/skiing nearby and decent transport links back to the UK for emergencies. My husband would prefer a largish city. We plan to spend our holidays over the next few years touring around and getting an overall feel for the country. We're going to learn Swedish, naturally. Thanks, and sorry for the essay!

Help, I can’t bear my in-laws.

anapurna — Thu, 11 May 2006 05:27:54 -0800

I’m a Brit living in the US and my husband is a New Yorker. I really suffer in the presence of my in-laws and don’t know whether this is just a cultural difference and I need to be more understanding and less uptight or if they really are insufferable and I need to draw a line. Below are the main issues. (Long sorry!) Constant Bitchy Gossip
As soon as someone leaves the room they gossip about him/her in a way that is so malicious it takes my breath away. The first weekend I stayed with them my MIL made sure I understood that my SIL was “a ho” from a bad family, a horrible mother who tricked my BIL into getting married by getting pregnant. Where I come from this would be considered way TMI. Obviously I assume they talk about me negatively too and so I end up shutting down and not saying much to avoid giving them too much ammunition. They interpret this as coldness and complain to my husband about it.

Lots of Self-Aggrandizement
Having been brought up to be diffident and self-deprecating I am taken a back by how much they blow their own trumpets. They puff up what seem to be fairly minor accomplishments and talk openly about how great they are. My MIL will say in a restaurant “Oh, my God, everyone is looking at us because we are soooo beautiful”. They’ve all had a ton of plastic surgery (even my FIL) so they don’t look that great to me but what do I know! They talk about their money all the time “my floors cost 40k”, “my last bonus was in six figures” and name-drop like crazy. They complain to my husband that they don’t know me but I don’t think I could ever talk about myself like that.

Passive Aggression and Manipulation
I have never stayed with them without them making sure I understand how hard it is for them and how much we are putting them out. Consequently I never want to stay which upsets my husband. In a restaurant if the food takes too long my MIL will say to the waiter "You are obviously too busy to look after my family" and threaten to go into the kitchen to get the food herself. This works but I cringe inside.

Bratty Kids
My husband's little sister seems to me to be the quintessential spoilt brat. My niece who is 11 doesn’t eat any fruits and vegetables at all so if she visits I am reduced to fishing vegetables out of the soup to avoid a major hissy fit. I would never do this for my own daughter and resent having to bend over backwards to appease some spoilt, entitled kid.

All in all we misunderstand each other. Because I just shut down in their presence they think I’m a snotty, cold Brit (I'm actually very warm when I feel safe!) and I think they are brash, vulgar and trashy. Maybe both things are a little bit true but for the sake of my husband I’d like to be less cold towards them and more embracing. Help me find come up with a survival plan.

Mother In Law in debt

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 20:21:23 -0800

Trouble with the in-laws: How can I convince my wife that we should not risk bankrupting ourselves to pay off her mother's credit card debt? What should we do to help them get out without endangering our own financial situation? My mother-in law has managed to amass a staggering amount of credit card debt on a limited income. She owes $20,000 and is living on Social Security. My father in law, while not directly responsible for her expenditures, is probably liable for some of the debt. (Wisconsin, if law varies by state). Both of them are disabled and cannot work. My mother in law recently checking into the hospital with a blood infection. We are considering selling some of her purchases, but none of them have a particularly high resale value. The effort involved in selling them would not be a worthwhile return. We plan to have a thrift sale, but the weather here is not conducive at the moment.

What can we do to help the inlaws consolidate and payoff this debt? How can we avoid financial repsonsibility and entanglement with their debt? Is my father in law liable for debts he knew nothing about and did not co-sign on? If my mother in law succumbs to this blood infection or someother illness, what happens to this debt? If she recovers, how can we keep her from continuing to spend what she does not have? Can my father in law "disown" her and absolve himself of financial responsibility?

feed them

cior — Thu, 22 Dec 2005 07:42:02 -0800

Help the underdog in the kitchen: I need to bring a dish to Christmas dinner with my in-laws. I'm the outsider, somewhat scrappy girl from the west coast. His family is polished and traditional -- to the extent that they can trace their lineage back to dead presidents and prominent clergy. They're nice folks, but I generally feel a light judgemental air wafting through family gatherings. I'm in the mood to overcompensate, so I'm looking for a dish that will help me garner an evening heavy with praise and gastronomic wonderment.

I lack special equipment (electric mixer, special pans, etc.) and I have a somewhat limited budget (no lobster salad). So far my best idea is some sort of chestnut salad and a bûche de noël, inspired by this recent mention of French Reveillon.

If anyone has experience with chestnut salad, chocolate log or something better -- please share. Anecdotes about how you evolved from a scrappy out-law into a beloved part of the family would also be appreciated.

gifts for my elderly FIL.

mecran01 — Fri, 16 Dec 2005 13:08:53 -0800

GiftFilter: What do I get my 76-year-old Father-in-Law for Christmas? (additional parameters inside) He is smart, likes CNN and the weather channel, books on math and physics (I got him Wolfram and he liked it), a former Boeing engineer and department of environmental quality employee, and has a fairly new Imac that he likes. Doesn't like pop science reading as much. Widower. Likes talk radio. Needs to get out more. Lives alone. Budget: around 40 bucks. Likes walking. Cooks simple meals. Thank you.

What do I do about my in-laws?

Lola_G — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 11:40:55 -0800

Evil In-Laws Filter. Alternatively, do I need to learn to take the high road? My pseudo in-laws insist on maintaining a relationship with my boyfriend's ex-wife. This irks me to no end and I am exhausted from trying to ingratiate myself to them. Do I have to include them into my life? The problem is my long-time boyfriend is an only child and we find we must divide holidays alternating Christmas and Thanksgiving each year. This year, I started a new job and don't have Thanksgiving vacation time. It is also their year for Christmas. I just found out they are planning on getting together with the ex-wife (who my s.o. was married to for all of two months four years ago).

I miss my family and haven't seen them since May. I am thinking in light of this recent "slap in the face" that I am going to bail on this so-called family Christmas and go see my own family that doesn't make me feel like shit.

My s.o. is disgusted that his parents continue a relationship with his ex but feels morally compelled to put up with it for whatever reason (only child guilt)?

Should I let it go? Am I completely stupid for being jealous or hurt by their insistance on maintaining this relationship? I just don't know what to do anymore.

What are the must-have Thanksgiving dishes?

obiwanwasabi — Thu, 25 Nov 2004 18:44:36 -0800

We’ll be interstate with my family for Festivus, and so we thought we’d start a new tradition and hold Thanksgiving with my wife’s family as an almost-end-of-year get-together. (stuffing inside…) Minor hitch – Australians don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, and I’ve never been to a Thanksgiving, so I have no idea what to serve apart from turkey and pecan or pumpkin pie. What are the must-have Thanksgiving dishes? I’m especially after sides to accompany said bird. Do you really put marshmallows on mashed sweet potatoes then bake them? Is this a main or a dessert? Are there regional variations for traditional fare? Killer recipes appreciated.

Fish and Houseguests

Goofyy — Thu, 20 May 2004 13:03:23 -0800

Dealing with parents: How to say 'no'? They want to make an extended visit beyond anything we find reasonable. More behind the door... My partner's parents are wonderful people. But they have this desire to spend 3 weeks in the UK, where we live (they're in Belgium). If we are away, they want to stay here without us, if we're home, its 3 weeks of company. We find this a majorly unwanted intrusion. We usually limit our visits there to 3 nights maximum. I am the more strongly put-out (that is, these are my in-laws), but even the other half is not happy about it. Lame excuses are not going to work. How to convey a polite 'no'?