Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with improvement

Therapy without doctors

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 09:28:36 -0800

I can't do therapy. There must be other people who can't do therapy. What do these people do, when they get together, to fix their problems? What DIY, collaborative options are on the table, and how do I find them? I've had a really bad month to year -- graduate school has gone from bad to worse, and I can't get out of it. Suffice it to say, I am very, very sad. I've spent a lot of the last year alone, and am now am estranged from a lot of my friends. I've tried relocating temporarily to a new city, but I find myself getting increasingly desperate and related ramifications of total isolation. I have one friend who I talk to, and I feel like there's a limited tolerance for this kind of thing (there would be if I were the friend -- and he's been incredibly patient -- but it's got to be exhausting to listen to).

When I'm really sad, I get really paranoid, and I just fail totally to be able to communicate. This is obviously a problem. I do have this friend -- but again, I feel like I lean on him a lot -- and it's all I can do, when I'm really upset, to even make that contact.

Obvious solution -- therapy! Right? Therapy fixes everything! Except that I really, really object to this, and can't imagine attempting to fix what's wrong with my life -- itself the product of a highly professionalized, goal-and-career-oriented trajectory -- by going in for an hour a day of treatment I can't afford, talking to a "qualified medical professional" for forty five minute, once a week. I don't think that these are a substitute for basic, warm, HUMAN contact (not professionalized contact), which is what I feel like I need right now --- leaving aside the entirely disingenuous "fee-for-service" structure of mental health care (and especially private psychiatric care) that is a given in engaging with the medical establishment in any capacity.

I know there are groups that do low-cost community therapy. The ones I've seen in New York (where I am) are all part of the state hospital system -- which again, I don't want to go anywhere near or touch. I've seen a few that look like they make sense to me, but they're mostly in San Francisco. The one thing that has worked for me is low-cost yoga and meditation type stuff -- I've been doing a little bit of this in Philadelphia (where I am right now) and it's been a tremendous (if transient) relief. If anyone has suggestions for places they know and trust, in this line (or in the group therapy line) in New York, I would really appreciate any guidance.

Thanks in advance for all your help...and I'm sorry, in advance, for so aggressively bashing CBT, which I know a lot of people use, and which probably works. All I mean to say is, it doesn't work for me, and I'd REALLY like advice on where else to go...

Hedging my bets.

liquado — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 09:20:46 -0800

Can I plant a cedar hedge -- with the cedars lying down? I've just purchased a number of emerald cedars to start a privacy hedge across the front of our property. I was discussing the hedge with a friend who suggested planting them in this fashion:

1) Dig trench

2) cut the branches off one side of each cedar

3) bury the root ball horizontally, laying the flat side of the cedar down on the fresh dirt.

4) Water & repeat.

The idea is that the cedar will "root" along the cut side, and grow vertically along the other, resulting in a more full and uniform hedge in a few years (and, I'd need fewer cedars). I'd like to try it, but I need more than one person's advice on the matter -- and my Google-fu is weak today.

Any greenthumbs able to weigh in? Is this ridiculous, or ridiculously awesome?

An air conditioner thru my wall?

ecorrocio — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:45:03 -0800

Thinking of putting our bedroom window air conditioner in the wall... bad idea? Our bedroom gets quite warm on summer nights. We have a window air conditioner, which does the trick, but I hate blocking part of our one window, and it's across the room anyway so the cool air does not reach us well.

I'm considering putting it right thru the wall, closer to the bed. Cut an opening, frame it out, and put the a/c in. There's an electrical socket nearby. I figure we could cover it with a painting when not in use. In winter, I'd remove it, and put an insulated panel there.

All the same, a little voice in the back of my mind is saying... "maybe not a good idea self." I'm pretty handy, so the construction aspect is not a problem.

What do you think?

Help me help him . . . before I lose my mind

lblair — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 10:57:37 -0800

Help me help him . . . be a better boyfriend. Specifically, looking for book recommendations to help him understand his 'role' as boyfriend. I'll try to keep it short-

We were dating for a little over a year, and after much back-and-forth I decided to break it off. Even though we loved each other, we were having a hard time relating- I was his first serious girlfriend, and I think he has some issues relating to others, including me. Basically, even though I loved him, he didn't know how to be a good boyfriend and I figured he would never learn. He has a hard time listening to what I'd say, and then internalizing it.

Well, now we've been broken up for a week and we're both basically falling to shit. It's horrible. I've never missed anyone so much (and I've broken up with several long term boyfriends.) He is saying all the usual stuff too- he loves me, misses me, realizes now that he took me for granted, wants to try harder. etc. I'm not 100% sold yet, but I kind of want to give him another chance- with conditions. one of the things i want to do now, while he's feeling open to suggestion, is drag him to a bookstore and find some sort of book that will help him understand what a relationship is really supposed to be like, and what i should be able to reasonably expect from him. (I realize I can tell him all these things myself, but I like the idea of him having it there in black and white, written by an expert, to refer to whenever he's feeling unsure.) Besides, I think it's only fair considering I've done plenty of that sort of reading in order to be a better girlfriend. I know these types of books must exist for men as well, I'd like to know which ones you've actually read and found useful.

Please don't judge me for my decision to get back together with him. If anything, this is kind of one-last-chance to get his shit together like he says he wants to, or it's off for good. And I know counseling is helpful, but neither of us can afford it, plus I don't know whether it's really appropriate for two people who have only been together a year.

Thanks everyone.

Cheap ways to improve a cheap bike?

one_bean — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 20:02:14 -0800

What are some cheap or easy things I can do to improve my crummy road bike? I have a pretty standard used road bike (I paid I think a little more than $100 for it). I use it for commuting 5 miles round trip each day, and for longer rides on the weekend. All of the components are either original, or have been replaced with, again, totally average parts. I love bicycling, but are there simple things I can do to this bike to make me enjoy riding it more? Getting nicer pedals? New chain? Better fit? Where should I start? Any suggestions specific to the East Bay area would be much appreciated, e.g. which shop gives the best fit?

Home improvement training video; Legit?

butterstick — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 07:31:58 -0800

Is 40% off a kitchen renovation to be used in training videos and advertisements too good to be true? I'm looking to the hive to help me ask smart questions that will suss out a scam. So last night while making my patented green-chili burros, I got fed up for the last time. My kitchen sucks. It's about 50 years old, half the age of the house. Mrs. Butterstick and I love the old house, but the kitchen needs to go and the bottom floor needs to be opened up. We planned on doing this ourselves next year after some savings, but an interesting opportunity may have presented itself.

This weeks Val-pak of coupons included an ad for a company called Landmark Home Improvement which claimed that they were looking for houses in need of improvement. So after smashing my knuckles on the radiator that is flush with the open oven door for the Nth time, I called the number and left a message. That was last night.

10 minutes ago I got a call back. Apparently Landmark is looking to make instructional videos and advertising materials from home improvement projects in my area. Like it says on the tin. The price is supposed to be 40% off of materials and labor, and the project would be completed within 60 days. They are sending someone from the "executive staff" over to evaluate the situation. They had an opening TOMORROW NIGHT and so I took it.

So how do I make sure this isn't a scam? I'm planning on just telling them what we were planning on doing, and how much we were planning on spending, and seeing if they can give us something comparable. My concern is that if they see this as a showcase for their products, they might not be as concerned with preserving my 100 year old home's character. That would be a non-starter for most people though, so I can't imagine we wouldn't get some sort of sign off on the design. We have a family lawyer for real-estate deals and such; should I bring her in on this to look at any contracts involved, or is that more of a game day call?

Is this realistic, or do they just inflate their prices by 40% and try to sucker people with the "I'M GONNA BEE ON TEH TEEVEE!!!" angle?

CFL Track Lighting

jeffmac — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:26:59 -0800

Anyone found an energy efficient and cost effective CFL track lighting system? LED possibly? Most track systems found at your local home improvement store only come with a Halogen option. Halogens are generally not very energy efficient .

Ceiling sprinkler head looks like it keeps getting lower, is it going to go off?

slhpatterson — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 17:21:02 -0800

My apartment has a ceiling sprinkler system and one of the heads that has descended slightly from the ceiling. Should i worry that the sprinkler head will go off? I recently moved into a new building with a sprinkler system in the ceiling. One of the sprinkler heads has descended from the ceiling about an inch. I can see metal grooves but can't see the actual sprinkler head. My super says not to worry, is there a chance this one sprinkler head can go off by itself? While the sprinkler head is near the kitchen there is another sprinkler head almost above the stove that is flush with the ceiling.

how to be smart

thomasck — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 03:56:21 -0800

how do I become smarter in making the best decision when facing a new situation for the first time? Hi

I would like some suggestions as to how I could become a smart person who can be decisive, and make good and snap (under time constraint) decisions when facing a new situation for the first time.

I have thought of the phase 'learning by mistakes' but this won't help me as there are always new problems and situations which I have never encountered before.

I am the type of person who when faced with a new difficult situation, would freeze and become useless and made stupid decisions. I would like to know how I could change myself from that.

This is my background:
I'm a 26 year old male. I have gone through university and graduated with a bachelors degree. My grades weren't great and I have failed a few papers. I am now working full time as an administrator (in the custody department) for a stockbroking firm (work experience approximately 3 years)

Any suggestions would be much appreciated

Thanks
Thomas

can me talk pretty one day?

NikitaNikita — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:38:55 -0800

How can I improve the quality / listenability of my speaking voice? (for podcasts, namely, but in general works too) As mentioned earlier, I'm moving into the world of podcasting and it's a pretty new process for me. I just listened to my own voice from a podcast intro I was asked to record and, goodness! my voice is... unpretty? unpleasant? It's just got a crackly grumbly nature to it. I have been told on occasion that I sound like I'm about to cry when I talk in front of people. This recording has a similarly unpleasant nature to it.

What can I do to make my voice sound listenable and pleasant? Smoother? and richer? It's pretty deep already, I think, so this isn't just talking "lower", per se.

stucco yucko

baggers — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:45:35 -0800

Mrs Baggers and I have just bought a house, and one of the rooms has walls covered with this ugly, bumpy stucco like stuff (photo here). What's the best option for getting rid of it? Should we sand it down or try and cover it over?

Plexiglass woes!

Geppp — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 21:53:01 -0800

What's the best to mount a 3'x6' sheet of plexiglass to my wall? I plan on going to Lowes and buying a 3'x6' (I think it's eighth inch thick) sheet of plexiglass and I want mount it on my wall, to use it as a whiteboard to do my math homework on. What's the best way to go about doing this?

How can I sharpen my mind?

decoherence — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:24:36 -0800

I've been feeling slow lately. How can I sharpen my mental powers? I've been feeling mentally sluggish over the past month or so. I'm having a bit more trouble locating the right words when I speak, and I'm getting tongue-tied more than usual. My general problem solving abilities also seem to have taken a hit. Nothing too serious though -- just the consequence of staying in an understimulating job a bit too long, I suspect. (I'm in my mid-20's, I'm healthy, and I'm not taking anything.)

Does anyone have any suggestions for proven ways to "sharpen up" one's intellectual faculties? Not looking for anything gimmicky or quick fix-ish. Some sort of project or daily activity I can do for the next couple weeks would be great. And please, no suggestions to change my circumstances -- I'm already doing that in the very near future. Thanks.

Helpful people/info in Woburn, we needs it!

JonahBlack — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:10:06 -0800

We are moving to Woburn, MA and need helping finding a variety of services there. We finally closed on our new house in Woburn, and we need to find a variety of things nearby. We need a plumber to do run a gas line, someone to put up a nice fence around our yard (or where to buy fencing material to put it up ourselves Lowes and Home Depot were surprisingly unhelpful), a good electrician to put in a 220v for a stove and dryer, a good general contractor (in case we need one, and possibly to install Ikea cabinets), a good eye dr (my wife has horrible vision that likes to act up, so someone good at dealing with that is a must), good restaurants (we've live in Arlington, Medford, and Somerville, so we know those areas and Boston restaurants, but not those up in Woburn), good delivery/takeout places, and anything else we must not miss up in Woburn.

We know of Angie's list, but we want personal recommendations as well.

Thanks!

Wholesale laminate flooring in Southern California?

KimikoPi — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 22:53:17 -0800

Can you recommend a wholesaler to buy laminate flooring from in Southern California? Please share your experience ... customer service, prices, quality and selection, etc. Thanks.

The 120 Day Project

chrisalbon — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:42:05 -0800

What Would You Do With 120 Days? This summer I have 120 days to study for my PhD program's qualifying exams (in international relations and statistics). Passing the qualifying exams is a huge deal in my program and a significant number of people fail.

Obviously I will be spending a large part of each day studying. But, aside from that I have nothing to do: no job, no ongoing research projects, no class, no social life. My lovable wife is a medical student with very long work hours and I will not get to see her much.

If you were me, what would you do during those 120 day to make yourself, your career, and/or your life better?

If it helps, I live in San Francisco.

Sawing boards sans garage

Foam Pants — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 13:52:22 -0800

What set of power tools can I assemble that will allow me to build things out of wood and will store in a closet? I bought an apartment recently and I really want to put in some shelves, build a simple platform bed, modify a kitchen counter, etc. I am a woodworking novice but I have a lot of need and enthusiasm.

I have access to a relatively calm street for cutting but everything has to fit in my closet-sized storage area. A full-sized table saw is most definitely out. What sort of tools should I get to cut things like a large sheet of plywood? Anyone who has lived in an apartment but figured out how to build stuff, I would love to hear your solution.

Help me think up ways to soup up my tricycle riding experience.

actionpact — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 13:34:39 -0800

Help me think up ways to soup up my tricycle riding experience. OK, don't laugh-- I'm a 24-year old girl who rides an adult tricycle (Actually, wait, go ahead and laugh, everyone else does!). I never learned to ride a real bike and so I would up purchasing a tricycle--Like this one, essentially: a Worksman 3-speed Port-o-Trike I've lovingly named Manny (folding, 20" wheels, etc.) . But I'm pretty out of shape and the extra weight of lugging around a tricycle + things in the basket mean that I only clock 7mph (though I have yet to ride that far in an hour, as I get pretty winded), and get pretty tired out a couple of miles into it. I know part of the solution is 'Ride the bike more, dummy', but here's my other quandry: I live in Phoenix, AZ. Right now it's beautiful and great riding weather, but in two months it will be time for shrubbery to set aflame again, and riding out there will make me want to keel over. I'd really like to improve my tricycle skills so I could theoretically go across town and be less dependent on a car.

Today I saw someone riding a tricycle with a canopy-- but I don't know if such things exist for bicyclists or what. Googling just turned up children's trikes' suggestions. What can I do to help make my tricycle a more awesome ride-- either by shading me from sun, or somehow souping it up to move faster, or some such thing. The ground's super-flat, but there's a lot of resistance pushing the sucker, especially when I'm stopping and starting. (The dealer said this is the way tricycles work. I wonder if he's right?) A canopy/sunscreen project (either bought or DIY) seems like it might be a great improvement. I kind of wish there was a way to get fancy and put an electric motor on the trike, but I don't really know if that's just a pipe dream. Maybe there's some kind of hack to lessen resistance on a bike though?

Conversely, suggest to me other good tips for not dehydrating and feeling weak/light-headed when the heat reaches triple digits and you're pedalling about. That sun is hot! I was tempted to get one of those water packs bicyclists use--a Camelbak?

Thanks everybody in advance. I know it's kind of a weird question!

Help me add to my tech support skills.

fenriq — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 09:43:30 -0800

What are the core tech support skills needed to work in a school district and how can I improve those skills this weekend? I'm interviewing with the local school district next week for a site computer tech support position the includes both computer support and instruction. It requires knowledge of both Macs and PCs (though the school I'd be working at is all Mac), networking, wireless, end user support and a whole bunch of other stuff. I have the Mac side covered without fear but I'm a bit rusty on the PC stuff. I will be practicing on my wife's PC to get some rust off but could use some additional help for sure.

I've read previous AskMe threads that touch on tech support skills but none have been explicitly what I need.

I'd love a site that can walk me through tutorials and expand my knowledge if possible. But really, I'd love any insights to help get me through the multiple layers of testing and interviewing.

The first written test is on Monday followed by a hands-on on Tuesday.

I need help installing my 5LNB dish for DirecTV service.

nickerbocker — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:19:21 -0800

I need help installing my 5LNB dish for DirecTV service. Hi! I'm temporarily living with the folks and intend on moving soon. I can get my dish installed for $50 only once a year, and the second time in a year costs $199. I'll save the $50 install for my new home and if I can't get this to work at my folks place then I'll just live without (which kinda sucks because I still have to pay for it due to a 2 year commitment).

Anyway, I need help. I can point it in the right direction (azimuth) with the right tilt and elevation as is specified in the manual. All that I get are "0"'s when I check the signal strength of all satellites and transponders. I can check the individual signals of the transponders but am not sure of the best method and approach to do this.

I've been searching online but all I find is people rambling with no specific step-by-step instructions.

Here are my questions:

1. Can I check the signal strength of the 101 deg satellite and transponder 1 and just worry about that one?
2. Will I start hearing some noise coming from the set once I am zero'ing in on the right trajectory?
3. is there a very narrow room for error? If I'm pointing in "about" the right direction shouldn't I receive at least some signal strength from somewhere? Or is it all going to be 0 signal strength and then after a quarter of a degree adjustment all of a sudden BAM perfect signal?
4. Once I'm pointing in the right Azimuth, which should I try adjusting first for better signal quality? Elevation?

Is this even worth while?

I have a pretty basic compass for the azimuth and a very percise digital protractor for the elevation. I'm not sure how to measure my tilt other then just going by the number on the dish for that particular bolt adjustment.

Oh yeah....1 more thing. When I was moving my dish from my old place to my folks house and carrying it up the ladder (dang that thing was heavy) at one moment it I was pushing the thing up against the receivers against the wall. Upon examination, it does not look like anything broke from this... however I'm worried that the receivers are slightly off-center and that is why I'm having so many problems.... :(

Thanks for your help

Seeking information about self defense course(s) and related activites/classes.

iamkimiam — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 18:03:32 -0800

I am interested in self-defense classes. There are lots of methods and places to do this. The options are a little overwhelming and I know very little about the topic. Can somebody break it down and make some suggestions and/or recommendations that might be best suited for me? Based on the following (below), what would be a well-rounded type of self defense that might be most effective for confidence-building, safety, and exercise?

• I am a 5' tall, physically active, late 20s female
• I have lots of free time (could attend one class, or a series, but don't know what the difference is between a single session or an intensive course)
• I live in Oakland and can travel
• Would be interested to martial arts (there's so many kinds!) and/or other forms of activity
• Classes that allow me the opportunity to meet other women and/or men in the area would be great too

Any other info and ideas welcome. Thanks!

Make my aparment better!

backseatpilot — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 20:08:14 -0800

How do I bargain with my landlord? My lease is coming up, and I need to renew it. I'd like to use this opportunity to get some improvements done on the apartment. My rent's only going up $15 a month, though, so I don't really know how much I can ask for. Compounding the problem is the fact that my "landlord" is actually a large management company. I can ask for this by calling the maintenance hotline or including a letter with my next rent check.

Here's what I want done:
-Redo the kitchen (new floor and cabinets)
-Redo the bathroom (new floor and toilet)
-Repaint the (peeling) ceiling
-Fix the windows that don't close properly

So, how much can I reasonably expect to get done? What's the best way to ask for it? Any success stories getting stuff out of property management companies? It's worth noting that I'll almost definitely resign the lease even if these improvements don't get done.

Please help me with my struggle between materialism and minimalism.

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 08:58:50 -0800

This is not about me mistakingly thinking material possessions = happiness. (I don't.) And it's not about me running up credit card debt because of impulse shopping. (I haven't.) This is about my competing urges: materialism and minimalism. Mostly I try to pair down my belongings and live on less. But I never feel like I've paired down enough. I feel greedy for even having the stuff I have. But there's another part of me that does want that 46" Sony flat screen tv. That Pottery Barn sofa. That trendy $30 t-shirt that should really cost $3. These competing urges have rendered me unable to enjoy any purchase I make or don't make.

An example:

Recently, my computer broke and I had to buy a new one. I ended up getting a 20" Apple Imac. There's a part of me that feels guilty: Did I really need the 20"? No. Couldn't I have been happy with the 17"? I suppose. After traveling overseas and seeing people living in abject poverty, I feel guilty. I feel horrible, actually-- for the poor, for the starving, even for the workers in the Chinese factories earning pennies an hour to make me a stupid Imac. But how much can I do to help them? Don't I need some things to enjoy life a little?

But there's another part that secretly craves the bigger 24" Imac. So much screen real estate! So big and shiny! I know it wouldn't make me happier, wouldn't really change my life all that much but I still want it. I crave it! I secretly wish I'd bought it.

Is this normal?
How does one find a middle ground?
How do I find serenity from these two urges?

What color is yoga?

mad_little_monkey — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 19:19:58 -0800

What color should I paint a yoga/exercise studio? I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I moved in with my guy and I get to turn one of the rooms in the house into a yoga/exercise studio. I have a step and will have a TV in there to do aerobics with, but I want to be able to pack that stuff up easily when I am not using it, and have it as a yoga studio. Has anyone painted a yoga studio a color that they absolutely love, or have any suggestions for me? Please share!

You just like me 'cos I'm good in bed.

Ultimate Sockpuppet the Second — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 04:29:15 -0800

Getting better in bed - how? NSFW inside... I'm your average mid-20s hetero guy in a loving long-term relationship; the thing is that both of us are quite inexperienced in the fucking department, being late blooming nerds ... or maybe that's just me :). I've had only one previous partner, it was clear that she's had extensive experience and knew exactly what she was doing; she taught me all I know and I'm fairly sure I bored her to tears in bed. My current girlfriend got unlucky with her two previous partners and tells me I was the first not-a-showerhead to give her an orgasm.

She tells me I'm great in bed (probably helps that she always gets off) and I know she means it but I'm also fairly sure it's got a lot to do with her previous experiences being crap. We have frequent and good sex and are on great terms as partners. We've tried a bunch of positions, it all works rather well and we have our favourites. There's nothing wrong with our sex but there can always be better. What we want to know is how to get better - if we can spend our lives getting better at making each other happy, that's got to be good, right? At least a good step towards avoiding the dreaded bed-death, which we've managed so far.

I've spent many an hour browsing the "sex" and related tags on ask.mefi and have noted the many recommendations for the Guide to Getting It On so it's on its way from Amazon now. We're looking for suggestions of interesting things to try or perhaps something that can give us suggestions, like the aforementioned book.

So:
- do you have any specific suggestions for things you particularly enjoy? Suggestions from women are particularly welcome: I can ask my girlfriend what she'd like but that doesn't get me very far because she doesn't know what's possible either.
- what books/websites containing such suggestions have you previously found valuable?
- is it worth getting a copy of the Karma Sutra? I've seen illustrations of the positions on the internet and we've tried most of them.
- is it worth looking into Tantra?

To get some obvious answers out of the way first:
- I ain't pining for the ex. She was practised at creating some pretty intense sensations but still managed to make things pallid compared to what I have now. The ex is mentioned only because she is how I know how terribly inexperienced we are.
- The hot baths and massages are right up there - suggestions for similar activities are certainly welcome.
- My cunnilingus-fu is strong, even if I do say so myself... specific suggestions are definitely welcome though.
- I don't think we're looking for kinks, even if we're probably already felons in Alabama.
- Porn doesn't appeal to either of us
- We're certainly not looking for extreme suggestions like "get an apadravya" (ow!)

Those who wish to post anonymously, please email me at wkstrfrx@gmail.com and I'll re-post such responses here unless you request otherwise because I'm sure they'll be useful to others.

Tell me how to make my girl squeal in delight, mefi :)