Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with impotence

Sexual relations problem. A little NSFW but not explicit.

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:03:05 -0800

Sexual relations problem. A little NSFW but not explicit. I'm a man in my mid-thirties, and single (been this way for a few years). I met a great girl who I connected with strongly on an intellectual and emotional level. We became intimate in a sweet way -- holding hands, kissing, hugging, tickling. Unfortunately, when we moved to the bedroom, the sex didn't work. Put simply, I became excited, but I couldn't keep it up for penetration. At no time did I get fully hard. However, we both enjoyed being naked with each other, and enjoyed the usual other stuff.

Has anybody else had this happen? To be honest, I just couldn't get turned on. I can get fully hard on my own, if you know what I mean. On paper it looked like a dead cert because I do find her attractive. Is it best to walk away from this kind of situation? Or can it be overcome? If so, how?

Does he have ED? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:09:12 -0800

[explicit sexual content filter] I'm trying to figure out if this guy I'm seeing is suffering from impotence or if I'm just expecting too much... I've seen this question posed a few different ways on MetaFilter, but not from the perspective of a woman. I don't feel comfortable talking about the possibility of ED with him, but at the same time this could be a deal breaker for me... help? So, we've only been seeing each other casually for about six months. He's 38, I'm 27. He was married for 10+ years until 2007, so he is having a lot of trouble with condoms... which is understandable, I suppose, since he didn't have to use them for so long. I also understand that he could be dealing with some emotional upset regarding his divorce, especially since she left him and not the other way around.

This is what usually happens when we get physical: we have *great* chemistry and kissing is fantastic. He's very much into oral sex, and that's working great for me, too. The problem lies in us eventually getting ready for penetration... the condom comes out, he fumbles, and by the time he gets the condom on, he's soft. I mean really soft.

It's not just the condom that makes him soft, though... generally, he is hard when we are first making out, but he becomes soft quickly once we get more into things. Sometimes he'll even be soft when I'm going down on him.

It's definitely frustrating because I want to have SEX with him, and I almost always end up feeling dissatisfied. He *is* able to ejaculate (once he was able to climax while I went down on him, and twice he has gotten himself off in front of me).

The other thing is... I think his penis is much smaller than average. I would estimate that it's maybe... 4 inches when hard? But honestly, I don't care, and I tell him that I like it and want it, etc. etc... but maybe that is part of his (mental) problem with staying erect?

What do you guys think? He blames the condoms left and right when things go wrong, but I'm not so sure that's really the issue here.

As an aside, I have only been with three other guys in my life, so I feel a little bit inexperienced with this sort of thing. I've never been with a guy who had trouble getting and staying hard, though, so I don't know how common this might be. Thanks for your help.

How can I maintain an erection and a lovelife?

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:40:06 -0800

Emotional involvement = impotence? I'm in my mid-20's and I've never been much of a dater. My last meaningful relationship was a few years ago. Since then it's basically been casual sex. A few months ago, I started having problems keeping an erection, but it seems only with women I was at least a little attached to. The one night stands, no problem. The repeat offenders that I went on dates with or hung out with, I often couldn't finish or would need some oral stimulus to stay hard.

Now, I've met someone I really like. On top of that, she's intimidatingly beautiful (I'm a 7 and she's a 9). Things got hot and heavy the other night and my junk wasn't having any of it. She was cool about it, but really, it can't happen the first and second time.

So has my lifestyle of detached sex ruined me? There are obvious physical problems I could think of (overweight, smoker, depressed lately) but like I said it's not a constant problem, nor does it interfere with masturbation. However, my overall sex drive has been down lately. How can I put myself in the mindset to conquer this?

I've tried to include everything I can think of, but follow-ups can be sent to brokenplumbing@gmail.com.

What to do when faced with performance anxiety in the context of a casual relationship?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 15:15:50 -0800

Complicated question about performance anxiety, casual relationships and how to deal with it within that context. NSFW. MeFi, I need your help sorting this out in my head. Please bear with me on this one. I'll try to keep it simple and not overload it with details.

Almost four years ago I dated a friend I've known since we both were 15 (we are now 30) for about 2 months. When things started getting serious, he decided he didn't want to pursue the relationship further, so we broke it off. It totally broke my heart, but I got over it. During these said two months we kept having great, amazing sex. It was never a problem in any way whatsoever.

In the years following this brief relationship, we've kept in contact here and there, since we have many friends in common. He had a serious relationship, which he broke off about 10 months ago. I had 4 rather not so serious relationships, not ever lasting longer than 6 months.

A couple of weeks ago I went over to his place for a chat and a bottle of wine - which sometimes happens - but over the course of conversation, we decide to extend the friendship to a friends-with-benefits package. I tell him clearly I do not want a relationship at this point, he says the same, we shake on it. We were about one and a half bottles of wine into it, too. So, we have sex. It goes well, it feels fine, he performs just fine, orgasms, tells me "it was so much better than I remembered, and what I remembered was pretty damn great". After the moment of awkward silence I took to think that I could never say that back because it really wouldn't be the truth, I tell him I can't come right now because, quite frankly, I'm a bit drunk and alcohol stops me from being able to reach orgasm (I'm female, by the way). We agree on going to sleep and going at it again in the early morning, before leaving - he had a plane to catch and I had to swing by home and then work.

Morning comes, we wake up. We start getting hot and heavy, but after a while it became evident he couldn't keep an erection. Of the eight guys I've slept with, 3 of them have had performance anxiety issues, so it's not like I've never seen it before. I tell him it's alright, no big deal at all, he says maybe he's just stressed, with the trip and Christmas and whatever. We get up, he gets in the shower, and off I go.

Saturday (about a week and a half after that) he starts texting me, and we make plans for the night, at his place. I go over, we talk for a while, you know, that awkward thing before someone makes the move. We start making out, and it's great. We click this way, it's easy. I think of how better it feels without the alcohol. We move things over to the bedroom, it's all still great, he definitely has an erection - up until the moment he reaches for the condom. Again, I say it's ok, we have time. So on round 2, we actually have sex. Until I move over on top and he looses it. This time he tells me he doesn't feel like it's going to happen now. I reiterate it's ok. We go to sleep after we cuddle together a bit - I meant to leave, but out of nowhere came a thick fog that made driving actually dangerous, and he told me to stay over. I wake up, wake him up gently, but he never even faces me, while he tells me he plans to sleep some more. So, I grab my clothes, get dressed and go.

Now, I feel terrible he feels like crap, which I'm sure he does. I don't get why this happened either. Performance anxiety after having had sex with me dozens of times in the past, and one time *while on alcohol*?

Finally, my questions:

- Do you have any insight? Anecdotally, historically, whatever. I just think it's weird, because I've definitely seen guys fail, but it's usually a right-off-the-bat type thing.
- I'm thinking of texting him... something, just to make him feel better. I have no idea what, though. Should I say something, or is this one of those cases where less is more?

Throwaway e-mail in case you don't want to go public: askme.me.me@gmail.com

How does a decent, caring but impotent and shy guy ever find a girlfriend?

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 17:02:04 -0800

I am a 38-year-old man who has many good qualities (I hope so at least) but two drawbacks which understandably be dealbreakers for most women - I am impotent and I have a small penis (around 4 inches on the rare occasions it is erect), so even if my impotence got treated I am not sure I could satisfy a women. On the other hand, I have heard that it's possible to have satisfactory sex life with a 3 inch penis, but have no idea how that can be. So basically I am what would be a figure of ridicule for many other men, and not exactly a strong candidate to be a boyfriend for most women either. However I know some women while still heterosexual may not want a sexual partner e.g. they may be celibate for whatever reason. And there may even be women who will overlook a sex life without penetrative sex for the right person. I have just come out of a four-year relationship which had lots of affection and companionship but not strong feelings of passion and obviously no sex, but I eventually want another relationship again and believe I have a lot of love to give the right person. How can I find her? I have only been in one long-term relationship in my life, which lasted 4 years after we met on a self-help site. It took me a long time to accept that someone could actually fancy me as I felt unloveable because of my previous lack of success with women (she even asked me out, which I thought was great) and even more amazingly she even accepted my impotence. She was a great friend to me and helped me become a more affectionate and open person where I was totally shy before. She made me feel accepted and lovable, like I had something to offer, but I ended the relationship when my romantic feelings went away and we became more like best friends/ roommates since I didn't think it was fair to either of us to live a lie (with me not feeling things as I used to). I wish we could still be friends but she was devasted and didn't want to see me anymore - which I can understand totally.

Because of this one relationship I know I could have another with the right person, if only I could meet them. Since I have mild SA (social anxiety) as well as shyness I visit a lot of SA websites and there are a surprising number of people who have never had a partner, even at my age, and I think I would get along well with another shy person and they might be accepting of my physical problem too. Since shy people by definition are often at home, where do I find such a person? At what point in a relationship with someone do I confess I'm impotent, and if we have mutual friends by then isn't there the potential for some huge public embarrassment on my part as well as feeling rejected if it's a dealbreaker for her? I do think the only way I could find such a needle in a haystack is online dating, but should I advertise for friends first (and see if the "maybe more" happens eventually) or is that being deceptive?

I am in no rush to find a partner as I feel it's time to regroup and work on being someone I can imagine being more dateable (for example I need to lose some weight). However when it's time to start dating again, how can I overcome my handicaps and find someone that I can love and will love me too?

I am * SO * glad Ask Metafilter exists as I could never bring this subject up with my male friends. Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

Is kink curable?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 10:59:08 -0800

SexFilter - is kink curable? Long story short - Ever since puberty, all of my fantasies have revolved around fetishism and various forms of humiliation. In these fantasies, I am always the one being humiliated. Although my fantasies nearly always involve physical contact, very rarely do they involve actual intercourse. In the past two years, I've only attempted to have sex twice. Both times, I have failed to maintain an erection, even though I never have trouble being erect when I am masturbating by myself. You could say that I suffer from extreme performance anxiety. These experiences have been absolutely devastating, to the point where my social life and performance at work were affected.

I have tried viagra, but unfortunately, I have chronic pelvic pain syndrome, and the viagra caused a very painful flare-up. I've been seeing an outragously expensive therapist for the past month or so to help me with my impotence problem. He believes that one of my problems is the fact that my fantasies are all about humiliation and don't involve intercourse. He suggests that I change my fantasies and masturbation material; that I no longer fantasize about humiliation, but instead fantasize about more "vanilla" sex. Here's the problem, though - sexual humiliation is all that really turns me on. Although I fantasize about a number of scenarios, they are all based around some sort of humiliation or fetishism. The idea of "vanilla" sex doesn't really turn me on.

I have had girlfriends before - my last girlfriend was awesome, she was totally accepting of my sexuality. We started out having "vanilla" sex, with me thinking about my fantasies in order to maintain an erection. However, as time went on, I shared some of my fantasies with her, and we even worked one or two of them into our sex life. The weird thing was that after a while, I actually started to enjoy the vanilla sex, and began to think about her and not my fantasies during sex. I even indulged her in some of *her* submissive fantasies, and actually enjoyed it. To be honest I think that what allowed me to enjoy sex with her was the very fact that she accepted my weird, embarrassing sexuality - she didn't even really need to indulge my fantasies. Needless to say, she was the first woman I actually enjoyed having sex with.

I've thought about seeking out the BDSM community here in NYC, but I'm afraid that doing so will only make me more depressed; I'm aware that there is a grossly imbalanced ratio of submissive men to dominant women. I've also considered trying one of the BDSM dating services, however I'm deathly afraid that people I know will somehow find out that I'm on there.

Anyhow, my question is this - is it even possible for me to do what my therapist wants me to do, and exchange my submissive fantasies for normal ones? I don't even know where to begin. I like my submissive fantasies, but I really want to have a sex again. I'm sick of being lonely, and I'm sick of masturbating by myself in my room.

How best to overcome impotence?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:14:34 -0800

How best to overcome impotence? I feel really horrible about myself right now. So, I just had a sexual experience with a girl that I'm dating, and I was unable to 'get it up.' Naturally, I feel horrible and kind of worthless.

There are the short term fears - what if she never wants to be sexual with me again? What if she tells her (our) friends about this?

But there are also the longer-term fears. The last two times I've tried to have sex, this has happened to me. The last time I tried (and failed) was a year and a half ago. The last time I successfully had sex was over two years ago. What if this impotence is a permanent thing?

Are medicines like viagra worthwhile? Can psychologists help? How can I find one that will be helpful?

Also, is there any way I can salvage my (casual) relationship with this woman? I really like her alot, and would hate to lose her because of this.

More graphic details -

I'm very skilled at giving head. Tonight, I was able to bring the woman to climax, which was awesome. So, I know that she enjoyed herself. Still, I wasn't able to get it up, and I'm afraid that will ruin our dynamic. I blamed the problem on condoms, which was partially true - condoms make it hard for me to keep an erection. However, I do definitely have a problem.

When I'm by myself, I have no trouble maintaining an erection and coming. However, being naked with another person makes it difficult for me to maintain an erection. I know that I'm not gay or anything, because all my fantasies are about women. However, most of my fantasies are of a BDSM nature, and I've kind of given up on finding a partner for BDSM activities since I'm a sub male and dominant females are hard to find. In the past, I've been able to think about my fantasies while having sex, and that's helped me keep my erection. However, that isn't working for me anymore.

Also, I should mention that I was abused as a child. Mentally and physically, and also sexually to some degree. I know that I should see a psychologist, but I have a terrible time with psychologists - I haven't been able to find a good one in my city, and I've tried multiple times. It seems like most of them need psychologists themselves.

Anyway, what I'm thinking I should do is get some viagra or something in the short term, and then somehow find a psychologist who can help me through this mess.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Up and Atom!....Up and at themmm!

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 15:39:16 -0800

I'm a healthy, mid-20s male suffering from impotence. Whereas most guys my age seem to suffer from premature ejaculation, I'm at the other end of the spectrum, erectile dysfunction.

I've seen a doctor about it, and all the tests have demonstrated that it's very likely a psychological thing.

I'm very open and communicative with my girlfriend about it, so she's not in the dark or anything. I'm at a state where I can attain an erection, but maintaining it is the tricky part. Some days I get lucky and it stays up for a good 20 minutes. More often than not, I'll be lucky to go 5 minutes. This forces me to rush through sex, seizing the first opportunity to reach orgasm. As much as my girlfriend claims to the contrary, I can tell in the back of her mind my failings signal that I don't find her sexy or some nonsense like that.

In short, it's affecting my sex life and relationship.

It's definitely a condition that has ~~shriveled?~~ grown worse over the years, from not being an issue at all back in high school, to a distraction in college, and now to an inadequacy.

The good news is that it's all in my head so I feel I have a modicum of control over getting past it.

I definitely don't have the funds to seek therapy, so I'm looking for some kind of advice that may lead to some enlightenment. Yoga? Meditation?

The last thing I want to become is dependent on a drug, that's why I refuse to take them.

I have pretty bad ADHD, but even on my meds I'm prone to the same complications, if they don't already exacerbate them.

So maybe some deep-seeded anxieties or somesuch that are interfering with my mind....what are some general recommendations for introspection techniques that can help me overcome these mental blocks?

Should an impotent man stay single or settle?

Anonymous — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 07:34:50 -0800

I am in my first serious relationship in my 30s, and am no catch - overweight, balding, and impotent (what a winning combination). My girlfriend is also my best friend, she is a virgin and the lack of sex she can live with (perhaps it's true that you don't miss what you never had). However I'm not sure if we should be boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. I enjoy the companship and the cuddles but miss the independance of being single, and don't really feel any physical attraction for her and never have. I am wondering if I am "settling" which I always read that I should never do, however I am really not much of a catch for the reasons above (although I am kind, caring, and a good friend) so perhaps this is as good as it gets? Without going into personal details, can anyone relate or advise? We have been going out for three years now and she speaks hopefully of the future and of moving in with me, but much as my life would be simpler if I was able to love her the way she wants what I feel is more like strong caring, friendship and deep companionship. Since I have so little relationship experience, should I stay single or try to find a way to create some romantic feelings for me?

Is giving head supposed to be arousing to the giver?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 00:01:20 -0800

Is giving head supposed to be arousing? She prefers this sequence: foreplay, followed by cunnilingus, and then intercourse. Trouble is, almost immediately I go down on her, I lose my erection -- does this mean I'm gay? A previous girlfriend complained bitterly, during a session of muff-diving -- she groped me and exclaimed, "You're not even hard!" What did my member's state have to do with anything?

Getting it up since the divorce

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:33:00 -0800

Since my separation and divorce from my wife of five years, I've had a really hard time maintaining an erection during sex with other women. I'm only 29, and really don't want to start taking Viagra, although I am curious if there are herbal supplements/remedies that could help me maintain.

I can get an erection and ejaculate normally - I just can't maintain a hard-on very well during sex, they come and go, come and go, and nothing a woman does really seems to help. I try and focus on them, but it's like there's no feeling in my penis.

This is causing me a lot of anxiety. My wife was my first long term sexual partner, although not my first. It's been a year since we separated and ten months since the last time we had sex. I had no problem making love to my wife and was often able to last an hour or more. But it's been totally different since then.

I know a lot of it is due to loss of confidence. What can I do, mentally and physically, to help get that back?