Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with identity

Accepting bipolar

elephantsvanish — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 23:08:57 -0800

How do you get used to yourself as bipolar (II)? Trying to understand my lows and mixed highs better, but find myself slipping into despair. I'm starting to get depressed again. I know that this is part of my cyclical moods, and having this knowledge that I didn't have (or rather rejected) over the past several years should be helpful, right? Instead I just feel bad about myself, damaged and despairing. As a recent NYT op-ed reflected, the diagnosis doesn't help you deal with the sense of self you're losing.

Any ideas of how to take strength in this process? I'm trying not to give in to my lousy feelings, but I just want to skip work and lie in bed. I feel like I need a role model, a way to accept this, something. Thanks.

How do I protect Ronnie Edwards?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 13:58:04 -0800

I'm a female in the US, about to get married for the second time and taking my husband's name. Help me manage how my new name appears online before it starts to happen. Let's say that my first name is Veronica but I've always gone by Ronnie. Say my maiden name is Smith, my first married name is Jones, and my new married name will be Edwards. I have used Ronnie Jones, professionally and personally, for years. I intend to use Ronnie Edwards going forward.

Online, the name Ronnie Jones is associated with some things that I use daily (Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn, Google, Flickr, and my website, which is, say, "ronnie jones dot com").

Overall, all the various permutations of my names (Veronica/Ronnie Smith/Jones) are linked with some things I'm very proud of (my photography), some that are embarrassing (like projects that I wish I hadn't gotten involved in that I don't have the ability to edit/modify), and some that I wish were private (like Spokeo knowing my relatives and my addresses and my income...)

In terms of information about me online, is it possible to keep just the good stuff with Ronnie Edwards and disassociate from the embarrassing/private stuff? If I just change my name from Jones to Edwards, won't EVERYTHING end up following me? Do I need to just disassociate completely and create brand new accounts everywhere?

Website that helps you find clothes you actually like?

jrobin276 — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 20:17:53 -0800

What website am I thinking of - make clothes selections, creates a fasion profile, and then makes suggestions? General advice on how to figure out what to wear... why does 30 feel so...weird? I feel like I'm either dressed like a 20 yr old or a 60 yr old - awkward, all the time. 1) There was a website where you selected items of clothing (this or this? or, "show me something else"), which it used to suggest other clothes... created a "style profile" etc. The closest thing I can find is a lifehacker review of covet.com - which is no longer in operation, and anyway, it was much more recent than that. I can't find this website anywhere... help! What am I thinking of?

2) I've been through a lot of change lately (a lot of "who am I where am I heading?" angst), and I can see this manifesting in a closet purge. I feel silly in office-professional, can't pull of "cute", feel mannish a lot. I'm kinda boho-artsy-outdoorsy, but work in an office (pretty relaxed). I feel awkward, at best, much of the time... I'd like to own very very few pieces of well made (and/or ethically made) clothing. I very much like the idea of a "uniform". I hate shopping. I can't wear what I wore in college (it fits, but looks inappropriate), and don't want to look like a grandma or a soccer mom. Ugh.

I'm 5'9" with a 30" inseam, curvy/slim (lotsa booty, no boobs)... and in my early thirties.

Any celebrities in their 30's to look at for inspiration?
Where do 30 yr olds shop anyway? (I'm in Australia, but travel to the US regularly)
Looking for good quality, reasonably priced basics...leggings, cardigans, etc. ?
HOW to shop and/or learn to recognize what I should be trying on/buying...
I've read through heaps of old fashion askmes. Any general advice or resource recommendations more than welcome. If there are any mefites in Sydney who want to go shopping, memail me!

"Finding yourself"/transitions/deprogramming on a budget

hungry hippo — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 14:58:43 -0800

I want to shift my thinking style. I do therapy when I can afford it, which isn't a consistent option right now. I suspect there's a pea under the mattress at the core of several faulty thought patterns. I've shifted the pea in some contexts but not others. What are some concrete exercises and activities I can use - with minimal cost - that will help me unravel limiting beliefs, increase self-worth, highlight unproductive expectations so I can address them? Particular parameters inside. Ultimately, I want a stronger sense of my individual self/wants/needs/preferences, and I want to feel like I have healthy relationship ideals. My therapist does not want me using labels like codependency, and I agree with her reasoning. I have used this sort of goal in the past to feed my inner critic, so tips for avoiding that trap are also appreciated. So along with this, I would like to discover how to navigate this process of personal growth without adding to the pop psych, labeling, assumption/judgment mentality that has contributed to cognitive distortions.

I have difficulty with consistent internal focusing, due in part to what I suspect is a kind of dissociative amnesia for some things I've experienced. Avoidance. So I need approaches to this self-discovery and increased sense of myself that don't threaten my sense of safety.

I've been trying to stay in tune with my emotions and feelings throughout the day, and am making some progress. I've had days of feeling very strong in myself, but I suspect it's related to empathizing with friends who have a strong sense of self and being around people who express confidence in me/validation.

Ultimately, I just want to feel happy and healthy. I want to feel like I have a healthy mindset about relationships and self-love. I want this stuff to be natural, not something I have to work at. Currently I feel like there are two worlds of people - (1) people who are secure/ have had good enough relational experiences/have not had too much trauma/well-adjusted and (2) people who struggle to feel normal and healthy about themselves or who have to work at it. The "broken" and the "pristine." I know that it isn't helpful to divide things up that way but it's a visceral feeling. I want to move from 2 to 1.

Science Fiction Short Stories About Personal Identity

vathek — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 19:47:34 -0800

I'm a graduate student about to propose a college writing class on science fiction and personal identity. The stories need to be short and brand name authors are preferred. I've got a prospective syllabus (see inside), but I bet there's a lot of good stuff that I'm missing that you know about. My prospective syllabus is something like this:
Lord Dunsany - The Hashish Man
William Gibson - Johnny Mnemonic
James Tiptree Jr. - The Girl Who Was Plugged In
Blade Runner
Philip K. Dick - Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said
Stanislaw Lem - selections from The Cyberiad
Undecided shorts by Ursula K. Le Guin, Samuel Delany, J.G. Ballard

Personal identity is a rather nebulous topic, so please, interpret it broadly. I prefer science fiction to fantasy (Dunsany will be the sole exception because The Hashish Man is so short and so connected to personal dissociation). Stories by authors who aren't white or male are preferred. If you have other suggestions from the authors I've listed, I'm all ears.

Name change logistics, both practical and social.

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 13:48:03 -0800

My partner is legally changing his first and last name and doing away with his middle name altogether. Help us think of everything? We're in the US. First, the practical: there are the obvious things that need changing, like drivers license, Social Security, passport card, human resources at work, bank accounts, retirement accounts, utilities, cell phone service, email accounts... are there any "gotchas" we are overlooking?

And second, has anyone done this before that can talk about making the change socially? He's simply doing it because his first name is extremely common and his last name doesn't mean much to him - he's not very close to his family, but not on bad terms with them either. He just wants to be known by a name of his own choosing. The new name will be completely new to everyone - our families, friends, business associates. What's the simplest and most effective way to make this change with all of them?

How do I stop my old self from influencing my present self?

_Seeker_ — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 23:44:06 -0800

I want to mentally rebuild myself, so to say. There's a lot of wrong and/or conflicting info in my head. I noticed that I have too many prejudices, too many predetermined opinions about people/stuff, I do too much quick jumping to conclusions and too much judging. I want to stop doing that. Any kind of advice would be cool - your own words, book recommendations, videos...

Thanks.

Will they let her on the plane?

St. Alia of the Bunnies — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 15:04:06 -0800

I was just going over our flight info-my husband and I and our two adult daughters are flying out to Texas to my son's wedding. I just noticed that our travel agent used my younger daughter's maiden name instead of her married name (she is separated but not divorced.) The travel agent is calling me back in a bit but how screwed are we? Her ID is in her married name. She does have her birth certificate and her marriage certificate, but ideally, should I expect the agent to fix this? (I TOLD him the correct name over the phone but you would think I would have checked the printout before now.) I just want to avoid excess hilarity at check-in. What do we do? We are flying Delta, if that matters. Oh, and I just got off the phone with the agent and he has been less than helpful.

Transgender reading list

morninj — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 19:38:15 -0800

Which books and articles are the most important for understanding transgender issues?

Books about people starting over

jamesonandwater — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 07:59:00 -0800

Can you recommend any good books (or films, but I prefer reading) in which a major plot point is the main character dropping out of their own life and starting again in a new location under a new identity? Double Jeopardy, the Tommy Lee Jones film, and a certain book that sold quite well in 2012 are two that I saw/read recently, so I want more. I have long loved the idea that disappearing and starting over is an option, and good books that also describe some of the nuts and bolts of how they achieve that always interest me. Thanks for any and all recommendations, I have my library card to hand ready to go look for em!

ID theft: any way to see account opened w/out credit check?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 19:44:34 -0800

Identity theft: is there any way for me to monitor for accounts opened without a credit check? I appear to be an ID theft victim, and the thief may have my SSN and DOB.

I have locked down all of my accounts to the extent that I can, I think (fraud alerts and freezes with all three credit unions and ChexSystems, related credit card cancelled, all pwds on accounts that involve cash transactions changed + strong) to the extent that I can, and have checked all of my credit reports (clean, so far).

Is there any way to keep an eye out for accounts (e.g. phone, utility) opened without credit checks, though? Or do I just have to wait for a collections agent to call?

Identity bootstrap

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 05:31:06 -0800

I am currently without any valid identity papers in Québec, Canada, of which I am a citizen since birth. What is the best way to bootstrap myself back into valid identity, since it seems all identity documentation requests require one form of valid identity to go through? I still have an healthcard that expired a year ago.

who?

mannequito — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 19:49:21 -0800

Movies where the plot stems from a case of mistaken identity? I watched North By Northwest last night and was blown away by how great it was - I'd seen pieces of it here and there over the years but this was my first proper watch. I realized after that another of my favorite films, Brazil, centers around a simple case of mistaken identity.

So I feel like it might be in my interest to watch more of these type movies. Suggestions?

My tastes are mainly in thriller, horror, sci-fi. Action is alright. Not so big on comedy or traditional drama, but if you feel strongly enough about one, why not.

Identity theft and fraud - former employer?!

Wazooga — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:10:13 -0800

I need some help: I am almost convinced my former Executive level manager stole my identity and rented an apartment under my name where he is presently residing....what to do? Yesterday morning an e-mail was forwarded to me by my former colleague whom was granted access to my e-mails after I left 4 months ago, and the e-mail depicts a conversation between someone posing as myself on my old work e-mail speaking with a real estate agent about being introduced to the new landlords of where he was presently residing.

Now there's no way in hell there was another person with my name as it is very unique, and only a handful of employees work in this office, not to mention I keep in touch with this former colleague to know this for certain. As I recall my former manager was desperately seeking an apartment but had no credit history in the US to take out a mortgage or lease on an expensive apartment, and casually stated how fantastic it would be if a friend added him as co-owner to a credit card. Next On Friday of last week he mentions to my ex-colleague that he will be meeting his new landlord on Saturday for the first time, and in the e-mail I received there is an exchange between the new lord and the imposter stating how nice it was to meet you (my first and last name).

I am no law expert but this appears to be identity theft as well as fraud. I filed a police report immediately. Now Is this even needed in order to comfront the real estate agent and obtain a copy of the lease? As of yet there is no record in my possession of any address, I simply have names and the conversation and as my credit has not been damaged the police do not have enough evidence to confront the alleged suspect.

Any opinions or suggestions would be appreciated.

Thank you all tremendously. The most disappointing thing is that this is a an executive level manager of a mid sized company whom is the alleged suspect and I suspect this person has been committing this crime since I was still employed for them, as the suspect "moved to his new apartment," when I was still an employee

Heterosexual Civil Partnerships and UK Law

bollockovnikov — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 06:06:38 -0800

My girlfriend and I want to do that 'public display of commitment' thing, but we don't want to get married. Heterosexual Civil Partnerships are not yet available in the UK. Can we do it elsewhere with legal status? Or should we wait? Marriage has always been a problem for me. I'm adamantly non-religious, and cannot ritualise my love for someone under a set of legal obligations committed to law in the name of God/The King etc.

What's more, having now been to a lot of apparently secular weddings, the issue of female/male equality has also become a nagging problem. One that both my partner and I share. Basically, even our most secular friends have had ceremonies where the registrar has uttered the awful lines, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Patriarchy is alive and well and my generation seems to be ignoring it.

So, we want to get a Civil Partnership, because it is not as rooted in a history of religion ad patriarchy (and other reasons). But in the UK this is only regulated for homosexual couples.

Civil Partnerships for heterosexuals are legal in other countries. In Holland it is legal, but one of you must be a Dutch citizen. France has a whole bunch of different ways to wed, but none resemble the UK civil partnership and are not legally binding. I remember reading somewhere, that Belgium or maybe Denmark, and New Zealand have Civil Ceremonies that would be legal in the UK, but I can't find evidence of this upon looking again.

It looks as though Civil Partnerships for heterosexual couples might make its way to the UK in the not too distant future. Should we wait? How do we make it known to the courts that we want this law passed?

So, my question is twofold:

- Which countries can we get Civil Ceremonied in that are applicable in UK law?
- Are my reservations unfounded? / Should we wait?

Tell me about the history of identity.

Ookseer — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 14:28:40 -0800

Tell me about the history of identity. Today it's pretty easy (though not foolproof) to find out if someone was who they said they were, or to verify a communication is from who it's claimed. But what about 200-2000 years ago? Before photo and state issued ID, and before the modern post office, how did you prove you were who you say you were? (or weren't!) Was there anything to keep serial killer (And known witch) Bob Baker from moving to a new town and calling himself Bob Wainwright and getting on with his life? Of maybe even claiming to be a visting duke and cashing in on the generosity of his hosts?

What about record-keeping, like censuses and taxes?

I know that rulers and royalty had various ways to verify themselves and their communication but those were generally kept out of the hands of ordinary people until at least the late 1800's.

I also know that soldiers (before dogtags) would pin their names on their uniforms or just have letters/wills on their body to identify them if they didn't survive battle. But what did they do before high literacy rates? And was there a way to keep spies out when even military uniforms weren't uniform?

Or was all this even a problem since few people moved outside of their known circles?

I'm mostly interested in the late Middle-ages, but pretty much anything about any time in history would be enlightening.

Can I get ownership transferred on an FB business page?

ElGuapo — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 04:57:28 -0800

A business was leased to another party and they set up and curated a business page on FB. When the lease expired they left and set up a competing business. They took the FB page with them and changed the name on the business page - keeping all the old content and relationships. How do I get the page back? I'm not a FB guru, but I am "The Computer Guy" in the circle of friends that includes the new manager of the bar. He asked me to help him figure out how to address this.

The person who set up and curated the FB page for a bar (let's call it The Palms) left. He's now set up a competing bar (call it Pints) across town (30 minutes away in a different suburb) and simply changed the name on the existing business page. The longtime owners of The Palms feel like the page belongs to the business - Pints is not open yet and all the photos in the posts are of customers in the bar at The Palms, and all the events referenced have this location as context.

The Palms is a local institution, the owners are locals and operated the business themselves for a while before deciding to lease the business. The operators did a good job and maintained a successful operation, but (possibly relying on good faith? I don't really know the inside story) did not renew the lease by the deadline and the option was subsequently not extended to them. Judging by community insider reaction there seems to be some animosity between The Palms' owners and the ousted operators, but neither party has said so in any public way.

I did not find anything in the FB help for business identities other than "get a lawyer for trademark infringement". I sent this to abuse@facebook.com:

...
The business was leased to another party and they set up and curated a business page for the bar. When the lease expired the other party set up a competing business. They have now changed the name on the business page and kept all the old content and relationships.

We would like the business page name changed back, and would like control of the page.
...

I haven't heard anything back, and don't know if I should expect to.

Is it reasonable to take the position that the page belongs to The Palms?

Do The Palms owners have any recourse?

Help Me Establish A Double Life

wolfdreams01 — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 18:02:17 -0800

I enjoy using Facebook for entertainment purposes - I get a ton of party invites and information about my friends that way. However, I believe Facebook can also be a useful networking tool for my professional career, and I've underutilized it in that capacity because I'm hesitant to friend my co-workers or managers. It's not that I don't LIKE my co-workers - they're awesome people. It's just that I don't want them to see a lot of the details of my personal life, especially not the pictures or the invitations to various events.

Can you lock the visibility of any pictures you are tagged in (even pictures that are from other people's pages), so that people in your co-workers group can't see them, but all your other friends can? If so, how?

I am also toying with the idea of creating two separate facebook profiles - one for my "real self" (which would have a different name that only my friends know, and which is completely locked) and one for my sanitized "corporate identity." Is this legal and permitted by Facebook's Terms of Service? And if so, what would be the best way to minimize the chance of having one profile be discovered by HR departments while maximizing the probability of having the other profile get found?

Lesbian overthinks her gender expression. News at 11.

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 05:47:33 -0800

I'm a 22-year-old lesbian. I have never made any effort to look hot, but suddenly I want to, and it's raising some serious identity issues for me. Hygiene/beauty-wise, all I do is shower daily, brush my teeth, comb my hair (though it tends to go every which-way), and wear deodorant, clean clothes (some men's, some women's), and moisturizer (for the SPF). I don't own any makeup and I don't know how to apply it. Basically, I look like I don't give a fuck.

Here's the thing, though—I do give a fuck, and I think my apparent apathy's a holdover from a time when I truly wasn't comfortable with myself. As a closeted teen/pre-teen, I wore dingy sweats everyday and kept a copy of The Beauty Myth in my junior high school locker. (I'm sure NO ONE ever suspected.) I defined myself in opposition to other girls because I felt like I could never truly be one of them anyway and was too proud to try. I also did it to distance myself from them so I didn't have to deal with my attraction. On a less psychosexual level, I felt like if I tried to look pretty, people would see right through it and laugh at me.

I had a boyfriend in high school and a couple more in college, along with some random male hookups (I came out "bisexual" at 18). Almost every single first makeout session would include a moment where the guy would look at me real close and then quizzically remark, "You know, you're really pretty," like he'd never noticed before and was pleasantly surprised. Secretly, I loved hearing that—in my mind, it indicated that I wasn't naturally uglier than other girls, but merely had less superficial values. (Ugh.)

Now I've graduated college and am finally out as gay, not bi. My frumpiness is no longer really a source of political pride for me anymore, because I've internalized patriarchal beauty standards enough to only be attracted to women who mostly fit them (yeah, stone me). I'm not trying to imply that a butch or androgynous woman who likes feminine women is necessarily a hypocrite; just that my former feminister-than-thou attitude about not meeting those standards no longer makes sense. Also, it's not like I'm some Jackie Warner/Kate Moennig type—I just look like a troll.

I don't know what sort of gender presentation I'd have if I didn't go through such a long phase of self-loathing, but I suspect that the answer is still not "Barbie". The last time I really dressed up girly was a couple years ago and I felt like I was in drag, but hey, I don't feel terribly comfortable with the way I look now either. Ultimately, I'd like to look like a cute urban 20-something queer girl that other cute urban 20-something queer girls could see themselves dating, instead of an overgrown 3rd grader with blotchy skin and gigantic boobs.

I suppose I know, in broad strokes, how to go about changing my image: learn how to tame my hair, get some makeup and try to even my skin tone a little on nights that I go out, buy trendy-looking clothes I normally wouldn't look at twice, get less-dorky glasses the next time I need a new prescription. If you have any practical advice on those matters, it's more than welcome. (I'm 5'5", 140 lbs, white, and would look ridiculous with hair any shorter than chin-length.) But I guess my real question is, though, how do I not feel so ridiculous trying? I spent my entire adolescence acting either aggressively opposed to this sort of stuff or innocently too "deep" for it. It's a big part of who I was, which is probably why it feels like such a big deal changing it. I don't have any real reason to believe I won't just feel like a potential poser again. Also, I feel like most other people have settled into their style by this age even if do they switch things up here and there, so this sort of deliberate change feels kind of life-stage inappropriate.

As for what I can afford... I make $35,000 a year, my rent's $650/month, and I'm not in any debt. Obviously cheaper is better, but I'm willing to throw a little bit of money at this problem.

(Also, yes, I know that confidence is my biggest issue and that that's not primarily a matter of looks, but I wanted this question to be targeted.)

Throwaway email: anon724 at gmail

How to be private and individual when others judge me?

EatMyHat — Sun, 15 Jul 2012 10:57:00 -0800

How can I balance my need for individuality and privacy with human tendency to stereotype and judge based on external facts? One of the things I really struggle with is that people can judge me based on facts they know about me. So they can judge me based on who I'm dating, what car I drive and where I work. And in my experience people do exactly that. In some cases the judgement is made with good reason - not many people become accountants if they hate working with figures, for example, so it is logical to judge that an accountant will like working with figures, even though it is technically a stereotype.
But I'm a private person and I don't want others knowing about me or judging me like that. I like to be the person that is uncategorisable, who defies the stereotypes or who is just invisible somehow. So I hate the thought that my job/car/boyfriend would reflect anything about me at all. Problem is obviously I cannot avoid the entire rest of the world, I am going to have to have a job/car/boyfriend and people are going to know about it.

I have one acquaintance who defies the stereotypes by being a real underachiever - he is extremely smart and personable, but based on his job and car and relationships you'd think he was a loser, because his outside image just doesn't reflect his abilities at all. But he has achieved this privacy by sacrificing money and a satisfying career, and I know that has cost him as well. Someone else might be able to be an overachiever and hang with the cool kids even though they aren't "one of them" really, but that person would feel like a terrible impostor, and in today's market wouldn't even get the job in the first place.

So that leaves me being myself. But if I am myself, then my job reflects who I am, so if I work as an Accountant at Z Co, then people can assume I am a "Z Co kind of a person", and I have to live with all the stereotypes associated with Z Co and with Accountants. Which is precisely what I want to avoid!

So, hive mind, what are some good ways I can balance my need for privacy and desire to be a stereotype-defying individual, with the practical realities of life, and the human desire to categorise and judge and box people?

Faking identity with permission: could I regret it?

Baethan — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 14:11:11 -0800

In the US of A, what's the legality of pretending to be someone else? With their permission, over the phone, to health insurance companies and the like. I'm a personal assistant fresh out of college, and I'd like to know how my self-absorbed and well-respected boss could possibly screw me over later. I'm a personal assistant to a person who is a professor at a top Ivy League school. They regularly and explicitly ask me to call companies pretending to be them. I was griping to friends about the difficulty of sorting out this person's health insurance issues, and they warned me that what I'm doing could be illegal in some way. Usually I go the soft route and say "I'm calling on behalf of X" and then when the person on the other end says "Okay, could you spell your name for me, X?" I don't correct them as to my identity. Sometimes I do simply claim to be X (especially for the health insurance company), which is what my boss has specifically asked me to do.

Is this illegal? I googled, but turned up nothing relevant. My boss is not 100% pleased with me, and their penchant for twisting words and claiming I said things that I demonstrably did not is making me very nervous. I think the chances of this coming back to haunt me are slim, but I'm getting paranoid. Preemptively asking them to authorize me would make them very angry, especially as I pretend to be them for a number of companies. Since taking the "better safe than sorry" route could further ruin our working relationship, I'd love to have something concrete to fall back on if I need to insist that I will only be me.

Is it possible that I could get in trouble? If my boss mentions this when speaking to future, prospective employers, could I regret it?

How to start using a nickname with people who already know you?

epanalepsis — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 08:38:30 -0800

I’m a snowflake with a “weird” name. How do I start using a common nickname instead? I have a very uncommon name which you have probably never heard before. When people hear it, they generally say things like “That’s so unusual, does it have a story?,” “Where did you get that?,” and “Ummmm...spell that for me?” I find these types of questions annoying, intrusive and difficult to respond to, although I sympathize with people (it is admittedly difficult to pronounce). This is particularly frustrating when I must introduce myself over the phone, such as at my job, where I often have to repeat and spell it several times.

I would like to start using a nickname (a variant on my given name, think “Joe” for “Johannes” or “Jenny” for “Eugenia”). I would like to use this nickname for all social and professional purposes and reserve my given name for close family, old friends, and legal forms.

However, I am well-established in my community and many people know me by my given name. I know that people associate my name with me alone since I am the only one with it (seriously, I guarantee you have never met anyone with it). So, I find the idea of using a new name with people who already know me very intimidating and am afraid it will be awkward and impossible to reinforce.

How can I start using a nickname with people who have known me for a long time by my given name? Will this be a difficult thing to do (practically or emotionally) and what is the best way to handle this identity transition?

No, no, I'm not attracted to women! I just find women attractive!

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 17:59:04 -0800

Mid-20s, female, sort of starting to wonder if I might maybe be bi, kind of hating on myself over it. I remember being like eleven or twelve, and reading some article by a woman who essentially said "it doesn't make you gay if you feel attracted to women! It could just mean you think they're pretty!" And I was like... oh thank goodness! That means I'm not gay! My first crush on a boy a year later was met with similar relief. And from that moment on, I was straight.

In high school I had it bad for a girl I knew. But I 'knew' it was just because I thought she was pretty and I wanted to be like her. So what if I dreamed about her...

She was really my last female crush. Mostly I'm attracted to men. But I am now starting to realize that maybe the sidelong glances I give to hot women on the street are, in fact, not just glances of platonic appreciation.

And this really bothers me. Because I feel like I don't deserve to be queer, because I never had to suffer over this at all. I've been straight. I've never once felt like a closeted bi person, I've felt straight! I haven't ever felt like I was hiding some deep dark secret- I have happily dated and slept with men and not really felt like I was missing anything. I could try dating women, or I could just not bother and I think I'd still wind up happy. So I feel like if I did try dating women, I'd be cheating, or being a gayness dilettante somehow.

And there's also the fear that I was right all along, I really am straight, and I'll be one of those horrible bi-curious girls everyone loves to hate. The ones who date one girl and then go back to men forever. And because of that, there's a part of me who wants to try this without 'coming out', and that makes me feel cowardly.

Adding to this anxiety is the fact that, well, I'm dating a guy and we don't have plans to break up any time soon, so all this is purely in what-if territory, and I fear that this is all just fantasizing and if we break up I'll just chicken out of trying this.

Um... anyone been here? What is going on? How do I even know if I'm bi, like for realsies?

Hope for Recovery and Repair?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 12:26:28 -0800

Recovery from severe depression + sleep deprivation + personality change possible? You are not my doctor, but I'm looking for thoughts or encouragement from anyone who's undergone a similar experience. I'm holding out for hope that this is reversible.

A few months ago, I had a manic episode. Scary, but dealable. Afterwards, I spend 6 weeks recovering at my parents' house, got on lithium, and felt good. I thought: this is manageable; I'm out of the woods. Then a month later, back at my home, I started getting depressed. I know this is a normal part of the bipolar cycle, but I thought I could "handle" it. I did some therapy, and rooted around for a psychiatrist, but didn't nip it in the bud. I also started waking up at 4 or 5. Then 2 or 3. I felt worse and worse (increasing depression and increasing sleep deprivation). I stopped feeling connected to the people around me. I saw a doc and tried a few medications for sleep (trazodone and doxepin). Trazodone (plus the lithium I'm on) made me feel ill, and doxepin (plus lith) made me feel screamingly anxious the first time I took it, then ill the second time. I vowed not to take it again, but got so desperate for sleep that I did, and woke up feeling confusion and disorientation.

Over the next six weeks, my mental health and ability to sleep deteriorated such that I ended up back at my folks' house, and will be seeing a doctor and therapist here next week.

I realize I managed this really badly. There's a lot I should have done differently, but here I am. And I'm terrified that I'm stuck with this new "self." I'm currently experiencing: no emotion; little sleep; loss of my personality from outgoing, intellectual, and joy-filled to flat, emotionless, and stupid; inability to form complex thoughts or conversation; inability to think about anything but this problem. No memory. Disorientation.

I also feel like my "inner life" is gone. I used to have a running commentary inside, and now there's nothing. I don't have preferences or emotion or taste. This is the scariest thing: my inner thoughts, and inner life, are gone. And I don't have an emotional connection to the world: I don't *feel* what I used to feel about friends, family, birds, trees. I can't think clearly or deeply. I feel aimless from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, with nothing pulling me in a direction. I don't have a sense of rootedness. I feel like I'm floating and my old self is gone. I don't have a sense of direction in my day, or in each hour, or minute. It feels like the frontal lobe of my brain got damaged somehow. I feel like I'm looking at the world through a sheet of glass, unable to connect with it.

Frankly, I don't recognize myself-- I feel like I've become a different person, who I don't like. My life feels like it happened to someone else. I had coffee with a friend yesterday, and I couldn't feel anything. She was so full of life, and I could only talk in short sentences. And I didn't even feel pain about it-- just blankness.

I know people recover from depression (I have in the past), but this somehow feels like more than depression, because there's no inner rumination and there's a complete loss of personality/identity. I'm afraid I've hurt my brain with the severe sleep deprivation/depression and maybe with the combination of medications (the waking confusion was alarming to me). I'm scared my brain has shifted into some other homeostasis and this zombie-self is permanent.

I know the brain is plastic, but this feels permanent. Do people recover from things like this? Can I get back to myself?

Stop using my email address, whoever you are!!!

littleredwagon — Mon, 21 May 2012 10:42:26 -0800

My email address being used by someone on bn.com (Barnes and Noble)... Received three seperate emails back in January from Barnes and Noble regarding three recent purchases. Unfortunately, I haven't ordered anything from bn.com. So, I contacted bn.com support and asked them what to do, because I thought they possibly had a bogus purchase on their hands. The support person said they'd send a note to the end-user and ask them to verify/change their email address since it wasn't theirs.

Now, since I still receive Nook emails from bn.com, I've called the support line again, and was told that the email was sent, but no action had been taken. PLUS, this time, the support person said they weren't ALLOWED to request of someone to change their email address...even suggesting perhaps gmail gave out identical email addresses to two people 'accidentaly'. Oy.

If they don't want to acknowledge the fact they have a bogus purchase on their hands...fine. But, I would like the 'customer to stop using my email address...and I'd like to use my email address in the future on this site...possibly.

What can I do!? How can I get eyes on this?

Thanks in advance for any and all assistance, mefites!