Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with husband

Separate or wait to see if things get better?

Anonymous — Sun, 19 May 2013 13:54:29 -0800

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for the last 3. We met when I was 19, and him 21. Recently I have been feeling like I might want out. I still love him, but I am not sure that he is going to change in ways which I would prefer him to. Should I tell him I want to separate or wait to see if things get better? He is a performer and although for a short while, was able to make enough money to get by on, he has mainly lived off of money that I have earned or saved by the last few years. For a long time I was angry with him and persisted at him to find work. The only point where he managed to find a job, was when we had depleted our savings so far that we had to move to another city in order to still afford to get by. So he was unable to take on the position he was offered, and has failed to look for work since.

After a few years of doing very little other than his own practice, which did not yield much if any money, I encouraged him to go back to school. Over the past 8 months he has been doing a Masters in his field, and has excelled at this.

Over time I have seen our interests change and diverge from one another. He is quite heavily into fan culture for a couple of TV shows, and learning about analogue technology related to his practice. My own interests are art & theory, travel, food, discussion, politics. I have begun to spend a lot of time with (mainly maie) friends to support these interests.

At home I manage anything organisational - cooking, planning the grocery shop, finances, trips away, etc. He cleans, and that is about it.

We used to have a lot of plans and dreams together for the future, but as time passes I see my husband settle for what he has in front of him. I still want the things we talked about when we met - to make enough money that we can travel, afford to run a car and have pets, and eventually a child.

For the first few years of our marriage we had sex once a month on average. It was often unsatisfying, and at points I was so stressed and upset with him that I'd reject his advances even on these rare occasions.

More recently we have had better sex. I feel that this was strongly linked to my airing my dissatisfaction with our relationship and threatening to kick him out a few months ago after a fight. Since that point I have failed to feel angry at him any more, and generally just have let things go. He is in psychotherapy at his school just now, but doesn't seem sure if it is working well for him or not.

At this point in time I am a postgrad research student, and so we live in a very small flat to accommodate us both living off of my stipend. It upsets me to see my colleagues afford to go on research trips and buy equipment they need, things I cannot readily afford due to the fact that everything pays for me and my husband together.

For the whole time we have been together, I have had crushes on other people during periods where things have not been good in our relationship. I have fantasies about leaving him and sleeping with other people. I know I could act on this but the thought of destroying our relationship hurts me.

The things which make me stay are loyalty to my husband, and a hope that things can be better. He is kind natured but leans towards ADHD (he was tested, but not deemed to be affected enough to receive treatment). I don't want to throw this away after being together for 1/3 of my life, but at the same time I am not sure if things will change when my husband finishes up school.

Selfishly, I feel that money is one of the biggest issues between us, and I know he may inherit in the next few years. If he did, it would likely be enough to buy a home outright. This would allow us to stay in another country, have a child and do some of the other things that we dreamed about early in our relationship. So, part of me feels I should hang in there and see if things get better.

It would be great if anyone who had a difficult early marriage which got better could weigh in I would greatly appreciate it.

Why isn't my husband interested in what I do?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 06:55:50 -0800

I'm a writer married to a jazz musician. I always hoped I'd end up in this sort of arty, creative marriage. But there's a problem that is becoming overwhelming. In spite of fully expecting me to experience and support his art, my husband never, ever, reads anything I write. Not a two-page story or a blog post much less anything longer. He says he feels awful about never getting around to it (and I've made it clear it's fine if he hates it—I just want him to be willing to check it out) and he seems to be sincere... But he still doesn't read it. It really hurts me. My husband makes his living writing music for TV shows, but his passion is his jazz band. I spend a lot of my time at shows and festivals; the vast majority of my social life is connected to that scene. It wasn't music I particularly liked when I met him, but I have come to appreciate and enjoy it a great deal.

I am a writer. Not a successful one, but I feel confident adding "yet." I have had a fair number of stories published, and my novel and screenplays have gotten a good bit of favorable attention. My husband (an avid reader) has never read anything I've written. I've asked him to, both generally ("hey, some of my stuff is up at this website") and specifically ("please read this thing I am handing/emailing to you. Your feedback mean would mean a lot to me").

He just doesn't read it. If I tell him this bums me out, he becomes very apologetic and says he is going to read it, honest. He seems genuinely sad to have hurt me. And then he still doesn't read it. When I ask him why, he says he doesn't know, he just forgot, looks miserable. I assure him that its fine if he absolutely hates it, I just want him to read it (really, I want him to WANT to read it). He promises up one side and down the other that he will, and I eventually let it go, and then he still doesn't.

For a while I was performing, reading personal essays at the sort of show where people do that, and getting a lot of praise for it. It was so outside my comfort zone, but I loved it. I did more than a dozen of them. He never came to one of the shows. Most of the time it was because he had a gig or rehearsal--perfectly legitimate reasons--but not always. Finally, after yet another night of people asking where he was, I told him that it was very, very important to me that he come to the next one that happened on a night he was free, and he said he completely understood and promised he would. A week later, I had a show on a night he usually has rehearsals. When I got home, he asked me how the show went. I told him and asked how the rehearsal were. He responded casually that he hadn't had rehearsal, and had hung out with some friends instead.

We had a pretty big fight, and I told him that when people ask me why he'd never been to one of my shows, I always just say they only fell on nights he was working, because I felt like the true answer must be "he doesn't love me enough." I told him that I needed, for our marriage, for him to come to the next show I did. He absolutely, 100% promised that he would... And I haven't done one since. I know that's ridiculous and awful, but every time I consider it I get scared. Because if he still doesn't come (and based on the evidence there's a very good chance he won't, because he has made similar 100% promises about reading things and then blown it off) what will I do?

I mostly don't ask him to read my stuff anymore, even though it hurts me that, for instance, he's never read my blog when I know he reads our friend's blogs. But recently I wrote a screenplay that includes a character who is a jazz musician, with some technical stuff about the craft that he knows all about. So I asked him to read it and he enthusiastically said he would. I asked him about it a couple times. When I was still getting the same answer weeks later, I told him not to worry about it. I told him again (I promise I don't nag him constantly about this; I'd say we've had the conversation four or five times in seven years) that it made me feel bad that he'd never read anything I'd written (and bit my tongue to keep from pointing out that roughly 80% of my life is spent listening to jazz and that he fully expects me to go to his shows) but that I knew he was busy. He clearly felt awful, made a big deal about putting "read wife's screenplay" on his calendar. That was many weeks ago--I didn't bring it up again--but today he was asking me about notes a friend gave me on the screenplay and I asked if he'd read it (it sounded like he had). He has not--that he'd scheduled a time to do it bu that during the time that time a big emergency had come up (he couldn't remember what the emergency was, just that it was a "house on fire" level emergency).

I let it drop. I think at this point the only answer is for me to stop asking, stop wanting or expecting him to read my stuff. But, that makes me feel incredibly sad. I want a husband who is as interested in my art as I am in his. I know he'd be miserable if I stopped seeing his band—and I'd be miserable too! But it's getting to the point where I resent going to his shows or having him sit me down to hear music he's working on.

Our marriage is generally a very happy one. We get along, laugh at the same things, and I can tell he adores me. He is affectionate and kind. He encourages me hugely in my writing, tells me he's proud of me, brags about me to others. He just isn't interested in reading my writing (or seeing me perform it). Is it wrong for that to bother me so much? It bothers me so much.

Feelings are stupid.

kat518 — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 20:46:53 -0800

How do you take care of a sick significant other without feeling resentful? My husband has been sick for more than a week with general cold symptoms - sore throat, cough, runny nose, congestion, headache, swollen glands, etc. We just got back from visiting my family for the holidays - left on Friday, came back today and he was pretty much sick in bed the whole time. In that time, we barely talked - he hasn't been up and about and most of the times I checked on him, he was sleeping.

I've gotten him a humidifier, neti pot, medicine, soup, juice, etc. I made him matzo ball soup. I offered to take him to the doctor and called around to find a place that was open where he could go. I eventually called my sister who is a doctor to ask what we should do and she gave us some great advice.

My problem, and I really feel badly about this, is that I feel resentful towards him for being sick. I know it's not his fault that he's sick and he's obviously less happy than I am about being sick. He keeps breaking my heart because he says things like, I'm trying so hard to get better and he's going to make me feel proud of him for getting better. I'm trying to do the right thing. But part of me just wants to be like, dude, just. stop. coughing.

I'm trying to put my finger on why I feel resentful. He didn't spend much time with my family. Being with my family around the holidays is kind of stressful and he hasn't really been there. I know that's not his fault but I'm just frustrated. I miss my best friend and I want him to get better.

I also feel like a jerk because I"m a little annoyed that he's been sick for over a week and I think that he should go to a doctor. I don't think one should have a cold for more than a week - if it lasts for more than a week, I think it's usually not a cold but something else and a doctor would help him figure that out. When I tried to get him to go to a doctor, he said that he didn't think the doctor would be able to do anything because it's just a virus. But dude, maybe he will and then you will get better faster - isn't that worth going to the doctor?

He's taken care of me before but I usually feel like we're a team and I haven't felt that way lately. I did the shopping for my family for Christmas, bought stocking stuffers, wrapped presents and made cookies, with very little help from him - not a big deal but I would have appreciated some help. I checked us in for our flights, which he usually does, I packed for us, found out what times we needed to be on the train to get to the airport, etc.

I feel sad because I have this weird feeling like I want him to "make it up to me" when I know that he doesn't have anything to make up to me! I just want him to get better! But that feeling is in the back of my head. Plus this weekend we're going to visit his family and if he spends the whole weekend in bed again, I kind of don't want to go. I love my in-laws but I need him there as a buffer, and not there up in his bedroom. I know I can't make him get better and he'll probably be better just because he wants to see his family but I think I will feel unhappy if he spends the whole weekend in bed again.

And dude, seriously, you shouldn't be so sick that you spend several days (all day Saturday, Sunday and Monday, most of the day Tuesday, about half of the day today because we were traveling) sick in bed. He has health insurance. I think the medicine he's taking (DayQuil and such) says that you shouldn't take it for more than a few days at a time without seeing a doctor. And he said he thought he accidentally took too much the other day and thought his heart was racing. He's also just drained from being sick - I'll ask him if he wants medicine or soup and over the last two days, he just shrugs.

This also makes me feel like I'm going to be a terrible parent in the future. If I can't take care of my husband, how am I ever going to take care of kids?

TL; DR - I feel like the worst person ever because I feel resentful towards my husband for being sick. Have any of you felt this way when caring for a sick loved one? How did you deal with it?

Help me help my soon to be hoarder husband!

msleann — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 20:12:41 -0800

My husband of 30 years has been increasingly getting to be a total slob. He lays papers, clothes, anything on every horizontal surface! Our house is not small, he has one of our kids' old bedrooms as his office, and it is packed. Yet still he comes home everyday and lays all his 'stuff' on the kitchen table, his clothes on the only chair in our bedroom...I am so frustrated! When he's gone I often go through his 'stuff', tossing what I don't think is needed...but if he finds out he flips! I have set aside time to go through things with him, but he always finds an excuse not to follow through. He is good about doing other household chores, putting dishes and laundry away... I have gotten rid of extra tables and other things he could clutter up, but it absolutely does not help. I need your help before I go bonky. Thanks!

Me - Husband - MIL

okay-quiet-time — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 09:13:19 -0800

I want to keep my sanity when my MIL comes to visit, but this strange dynamic is making it very challenging. What steps can I take to make these times more bearable? When my mother-in-law visits, it's for about one week at a time, roughly four times per year. As an introvert, I can deal with my very extroverted husband and stepdaughter, but when MIL is here, it's just too much. The constant noise stresses me out beyond belief. Husband and I work from home, but he's outside and I'm inside. We share our space with her about 50/50 when she's here.

What aggravates me:

- MIL feels slighted by me, and as a result I'm criticized by my husband for not being as welcoming towards her, like he is towards my folks when they visit. Husband is angry that I'm more social with my parents than I am with her. This guilt trip leads to me retreating even more so, which of course just makes the situation worse.

- MIL makes little remarks/implications that I am not fulfilling my responsibilities as a step-parent (we are custodial). She's also just a really annoying person. She is very controlling and passive aggressive. I really do put forth effort with her though. I engage in conversation with her frequently, but it's not long before she says something I find insulting.

- I don't feel like my husband takes my side. It seems like my husband feels this need to show loyalty towards him mother when she's here, and this really grosses me out. I've tried talking to him about this, but he reasons that she's only here a short time, so I should just suck it up. Also, he argues that I'm the same way with my parents (although I really don't think they are as controlling).

To protect the good in my marriage, I often choose to distance myself from being with both of them. I feel like there's this strange dynamic happening with the three of us. MIL and husband likely have issues with one another, but they need me there to project their anger and frustration onto someone besides each other. In our most recent conversation about this, my husband told me that I need to speak up for myself and be more assertive. I'm going to give this a shot this time round, but I will admit, I hate being confrontational.

Our marriage is good, not great. These visits take a serious emotional toll though and it takes me a long time to recover. My husband, on the other hand, seems to bouncy back just fine once our company is gone.

What am I doing wrong and what steps should I take to make these visits more bearable?

A Painful Triangle

chaoscutie — Wed, 23 May 2012 07:42:43 -0800

How to handle my husband's "friendship" with a woman half his age? I am upset about it, and he refuses to give it up. Snowflake details inside: My husband is 60--she is 30. She was originally a waitress at the bar that sponsors his softball team. He is absolutely not having a sexual affair with her, but I am still threatened by and unhappy with this relationship.

About 6 or 7 years ago he went to Vegas with some of his softball buddies. I found out by accident that this young woman and her friend went along as well. He had not disclosed this to me. My husband ended up taking her to the emergency room when she cut her foot. At that time, I confronted my husband about the secrecy, why he never told me about it--about the inappropriateness of this relationship, and the fact that she was our daughter's age. He had few answers. At the time, I asked him to discontinue the relationship. He has refused, stating that I have no reason to be upset as it is not an affair. Nonetheless, the secrecy and her needs of him have disturbed me.

My husband is a divorce lawyer and has helped this young woman many times with her former husband's divorce. She has since become a paralegal, and calls him for help and legal questions. Recently she called and borrowed money when she ran into difficulty. I only found out about it after the fact.

They have frequently had lunch together. She calls him whenever she is in need. He has told me that he thinks she may be bipolar and that she calls him more frequently when she is feeling manic.

When I expressed how distressed and upset I was by this relationship and asked him what he was getting out of it, he said that of course he was flattered by the attentions of a young and attractive woman, and that he felt like a "white knight" when he rescued her. I told him that I thought this was an indication that our relationship was troubled and that he was getting needs met outside the relationship and that perhaps we should take a look at that.

My husband has recently gone to therapy, and his therapist tells him that so long as he is completely transparent with me, rather than hiding the relationship, there is no problem with it. I, however, feel completely distressed by it. This evening he told me that in the interest of transparency, he wanted me to know that she had called to invite him out to a birthday lunch to give him a present. I let him know how upset I was by it, and he told me I had no reason to be upset. I feel that his stubborn persistence in keeping this "friendship" is really affecting how I feel about him. I have asked him to go to couples therapy to talk about this, and he has declined.

I'm not really interested in hearing that I need to just get over my jealousy or whatever it is. My feelings are my feelings. I would like some advice about how to communicate more effectively to him my hurt and distrust about this situation.

I don't want sex with my husband. What should I do?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 May 2012 12:45:22 -0800

Four years ago I married a great guy. We've been together a total of eight years. Sometime around when we got married...maybe a little before, I stopped wanting sex with him. I dreaded it on our wedding night/honeymoon. At first I thought it was just a phase, something to do with wedding planning burnout and general nerves. Four years later, it's even worse than it was. Otherwise, we have a good relationship, I think. We have everything in common, a shared worldview, good communication. Because of the sexual issue, we have talked numerous times about separating. I guess what I can't figure out is, why this has happened, and if our entire relationship is worth ending over it. Some additional facts to consider:
- I have always been the breadwinner in our relationship. At times I have been extremely frustrated with this. I guess I have some deep, primal expectation for him to be "the provider" that I didn't realize I had when I married him. It's not for superficial reasons; I don't want him to start making money so I can quit my job and drink lattes with my girlfriends all day. That sounds terrible.
- Shortly after we got married I fell in love with and had an affair with a married man with whom I worked. We were "together" over two years, and talked about starting a life together, but ultimately he decided he did not want to leave his family (he has a young child, and has been with his wife for 20 years). I was devastated.
- The sexual problems with husband began a while BEFORE the affair, so while the affair didn't cause the problems, it did compound them.
- About seven months ago I got a job across the country and took it, partly because I hated my job and partly because I wanted to start over fresh with my husband from the married man. It hasn't worked, and I am still heartbroken. The other man still contacts me and wants me to be "part of his life," though he still won't leave his wife. I have maintained my no contact rule with him about 90% of the time, but I feel like I'm being manipulated from thousands of miles away, but it's still the closest I have to sexual excitement, which is pathetic. Why haven't I been able to shake this affair, after over seven months?
- I have suffered from chronic low-grade depression for at least 10 years
- I do still have sex with my husband, though it's infrequent, because I usually spurn his advances and put it off for as long as possible until I know that I pretty much need to. I don't want him to be unsatisfied. But I've tried the "fake it til you make it" approach and sometimes I feel like crying during sex. At this point I would encourage him to have an affair so that he could be sexually satisfied, because I feel horrible for depriving him. The sex isn't bad...in fact he thinks it's quite good...and when we do have it neither of us goes unsatisfied...I just don't WANT it with him and wish it was with someone else. Even though it's pretty good!

So, there it is. I do care for my husband a lot and think we still have the foundation for a great relationship, but for the most part I feel like a loveless, sexless shell of a woman. I know everyone will probably think I'm a horrible person, but what I really do want to do is figure this @%$# out so I can do the right thing. Enough stringing him (and myself) along. Has anyone else here stopped wanting sex with their spouse, and if so, were you able to remedy it? What is wrong with me? Should I just cut myself loose from both men and be alone?

Breaking up is hard to do

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:49:14 -0800

I'm ending my marriage. How do I do it with kindness? My husband is a kind and loving soul, but he refuses to participate in our life together or contribute to our household. I'm pretty sure he's depressed, but he refuses counseling.

He's also been lying to me repeatedly over the last few years about very important things and my trust in him has been shattered.

I've been the sole earner for several years, not because the job market is bad here, but because he won't look for work. He went to school for a while, but dropped out half way and pretended to keep going for months before I found out.

He whines when I ask him to do housework, despite being home all the time. What housework he does do is done half-heartedly. Our sex life is non-existent, not because he doesn't initiate, but after all the lying and apathy, I don't find him attractive anymore.

Frankly, I feel like his mom, not his wife.

It's time for me to end the relationship. It's the hardest decision I've ever made and my heart is breaking over it, but it's the right thing to do. I want a partner I can depend on and enjoy life with, not a dependent to drag along behind me.

I've never had to break up with someone for whom I still care deeply. How do I do it with kindness?

Chubby hubby, what to do?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 08:27:15 -0800

My husband is overweight. I'm not at the end of my rope, but it's getting closer. Advice, any advice is welcome, even if you tell me I'm being unreasonable. SS details inside. I'm sorry if this is rambling, but I'm a a crying mess over this problem and I don't know what to do.

I am 29/F and he is 28. We've been married 3 years, together for 10. No kids, no plans for any. He wasn't overweight when we met. But over the past five years he's gained weight through diet and a lack of exercise. He carries most of the weight on his stomach. With his shirt off, he looks seven months pregnant.

He knows I find this unattractive. We talked about again this a year ago, and since then he's been trying to make changes but they haven't made much of a difference. How the hell do I get through to him without crushing his feelings?

These are my issues:

He has wobbled between overweight/obese and average all his life, but more overweight/obese. I know this is going to affect his health as we age. He has always been extremely unfit, except for a couple of years when he got deeply into long-distance cycling. But he's given that up - despite my encouragement - and gone back to unfit.

I don't find him good-looking any more. He's a wonderful guy, but some days I look at him and think 'ugh', and I feel like shit for thinking that. Sex is more affectionate and less passionate because I don't think he's sexy and his weight prevents some of the positions and vigorous action I'd like.

We all fall apart/get fat/wrinkled/have a low-key sex life eventually, but he's 28, I'm 29 and it's far too early for that. I feel crushed, if this is the limit of our sexuality for the rest of our lives.

The next points are problems I think he has that prevent him losing weight. I really want to help but I don't know how to get through to him any more without sounding angry and bitter.

One problem is, he's a very, very, very picky eater. I think he's a supertaster - most foods taste unpleasant to him and he sticks with a narrow range of meat, potatoes, cookies, bread, bananas, carrots and cereal. That's not everything, but it's frighteningly close to all he'll eat. He's added a very few healthier foods but it hasn't made much difference.

He also has an ever-changing work schedule and is a chronic night owl, which makes it hard for us to eat together. He eats on the go a lot, making it difficult for me to be a positive influence by cooking for us, if I could find healthy food he'll eat!

The actual root of the problem is, I think, that he comfort eats to lessen/put off bad feelings. Now, I've actually had this problem! I know it's hard, but I addressed it by *not buying food that makes me comfort eat* and finding other ways to lessen the effect of frightening emotions - exercise, distracting movies, etc.

He won't give up his treats, which always leads to him eating too much of them after a couple of days. I cannot stop him buying this junk food and I strongly feel that throwing it away wouldn't help him make the changes he needs to make for himself.

I've suggested counselling for his food problems, but he's already in therapy for milder OCD (which is improving), and feels that he should address one thing at a time. Am I a bitch for wanting him to try a little harder to walk for an hour a day, or leave the chocolate on the shelf?

So. I really want to help. I don't want to leave him over this, but the lack of attraction is hurting our relationship so badly I don't know what to do

How can I get my feelings across without being a mean shrewish wife? I worry that if I get going on this, I'll hurt his feelings so badly he'll sulk, eat more, and give up because his little bit of progress isn't good enough for me.

tl;dr: overweight husband no longer attractive to me, tried losing weight but continues to eat junk food and hasn't got far. I can't spend the rest of my 20s and 30s with a man I don't find physically attractive. How do I get through to him without completely crushing him.

Old coat, I say to you: goodbye, my faithful friend.

Madamina — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 09:29:13 -0800

[ClothingGiftFilter] I need a VERY STURDY hoodie/track jacket substitute for my husband. Price: up to $150. My husband is 6', and an XXL/52" chest. Like most guys (and, um, me), when he finds something he loves, he wears nothing but that piece until it gets noticeably threadbare.

He is moving up at work (computer networking); he needs things that look a bit nicer but are still easy enough to grab and go -- and not too nice that he won't wear them. They need to work with both jeans/band t-shirt and Dockers/button-up shirt.

Currently: Old Navy track jackets that were a nice step up from his beloved hoodies, but he wears the elbows out (and they only seem to sell them for like a week every spring)
Likes: full zip, very plain, pockets, black/gray/brown/navy, no prominent logos (such as contrasting North Face)

A fleece or similar (not too plush or covered in zippers) might work. Anything with stronger-than-average elbows would be great. I did once buy him a nice Calvin Klein ribbed cardigan, but I think it might not have been warm enough. We live in Wisconsin, and he tends to wear this as his outer layer.

He MIGHT go for a blazer he could also wear with jeans, which I've suggested. Without specific examples, though, I don't think he'd go looking for one.

Extra bonus for something longer that will mask his saggy-pants tendencies...

Thank you!

When to work it out and when is it just too bad?

counterintelligence — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 19:43:12 -0800

My husband lightly (very lightly) slapped me when I asked him to do things a little differently during sex. Now what? Some background:

We've been married for 8 months, but we have been together as a couple for 7 years. We have a few unrelenting problems.

First, we bicker a lot, and when we do, it often devolves into a major arguments. The argument generally begins with him saying something spontaneously mean or insensitive--not absolutely appalling, but disquietly mean. I get upset that he was mean for "no reason." He becomes patronizing/defensive (calm down, just relax, it's all in your imagination, etc). I get genuinely (usually disproportionately) angry. I'm very sensitive and that's my fault. I can't just swallow it. Cue to 45 minutes later, we've had a long intense argument that is mostly about "semantics" and "feelings." It sucks, for both of us.

We have always had trouble with sex: mostly due to his very low libido, "nervousness," and many-year insistence on taking Propecia (the medicine that prevents hair-loss whilst destroying libido). There were years when we had sex less than 10 times, easily -- with months and months of utter dry spells. We're slowly starting (?) to get over that. We've been having sex once a week (or every two weeks). It's a lot for us. Couple this with my abnormally high sex drive and we definitely had some difficult times. Especially since I was the one needing sex and not getting any.

Lastly, the inquality (maybe perceived?) in the distribution of labor. I do ALL the grocery shopping, ALL the bill paying, 90% of the cooking [although he will make me a cup of tea when I ask or a plate of eggs], ALL the laundry, most of the sweeping, organizing, etc). He picks up around the house and does a lot of the dishes. I can be very messy and I definitely shoulder the blame for a lot of the "scatteredness" of things in the house.

So cue to the current situation: we're fooling around (yay, finally!). He tends to be very soft and gentle and, frankly, I like foreplay (and sex) to be a bit more energetic, even aggressive. While we're in the bedroom I tell him exactly this: it's not working, I just need you to use you hands a little more, be a little more aggressive. He states that he's pissed and very lightly slaps, and jumps off the bed. It was SO sudden I thought he was responding to my request and I was actually happy (a little kinky, yes, but why not.) Then I realized, to my horror, he actually hit me out of anger and resentment, not to be playful at all. I was genuinely stunned and upset. I told him calmly to leave (though I half expected him to be REALLY sorry). He left, walked off to "get a good meal, and watch movie" according to him.

I'm so sad right now it's numbing. What the heck do I do? Am I wrong for being upset?

A few days before this we had one of the worst fights ever (followed the trajectory mapped above). We both became upset, though my husband might be categorized as enraged. He said I was "disgusting," "that I had an annoying personality," and that "we didn't have a family." We managed to patch things up when the above slapped happened and we were actually have a really really nice day together (although those words were still echoing in my head).

One last thing and its the kicker: we truly and deeply love one another. Seriously. We fight, we say nasty things, but we have been so attached and so in love its hard to even put ordinary "happiness" ahead of those feelings. We love the same things, we find absolute joy in one another's interests, we have wonderful deep conversations about all kinds of things regularly, we are completely supportive and encouraging outside of interpersonal relations, we have the same group of loving friends whom we adore. We find so much joy in one another, it's hard to put into words.

But there is this issue of fighting, and bad sex, and relationship responsibilities.

I am so freaking lost.

Final caveat: I can be a major jerk. I have named-called (asshole, jerk, etc) countless times, I tend to raise my voice (shrill and angry, but rarely real yelling), and I get easily upset about little things.

How do I help my husband cope with my unemployment?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 08:57:39 -0800

How do I help my husband cope with my unemployment? It seems like there are a million articles online about helping your unemployed husband, but what about an unemployed wife?

We were comfortably middle-class before I was laid off. I had a month's notice about the layoff, so I put the kibosh on most of my spending, wrangled some bills and changed plans to save money. I have applied for employment insurance. We don't have children and are not planning to. Our mortgage is low and we don't have major debts.

My reaction to the layoff was one of relief, because it was hinted at for the past year. I'm not grieving for my old job anymore.

My husband can't seem to decide if he is comfortable with me being unemployed for a while. At first he wavered between "You need a break" and "You should find a job" which was confusing for me. He doesn't really want to talk about it much, but his reaction otherwise has been mostly to spend. He has always been a bit of a spender, so we bank separately. We both earned about the same amount, so things seemed quite equal and I'm sensing that with this inequality our relationship dynamic is about to change. I hate the thought of having to ask him for money for things that I might need until I find work again. I am afraid that I will end up like my mother, dependent on dad doling out an allowance and not having any money of her own.

I just don't know how to talk to him about this. He doesn't seem to want to discuss it much. We have been together 12 years. This is my first time being laid off. He was laid off in the tech bust 10 years ago. It's probably the biggest hurdle our relationship has had to date. I am attending unemployment counselling as part of the layoff package. I really need ideas because I'm just not finding any.

Throwaway email - potentij@yahoo.com - Thanks in advance.

Is it already over?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 13:20:12 -0800

My husband treated me unfairly for a long time, I got emotionally set to divorce and ... now he's doing all the right things. Internet, is it already over? I spent most of our relationship (married two and a half years, dating for three before that) feeling terrible, complaining to him about him being distant emotionally and uncaring about my life and interests. He also criticized me in many ways I found hurtful but that he felt were constructive. My complaining/unwillingness to change quickly made him annoyed and tired, which made him more distant. We were locked in a cycle where I antagonized him to get attention and he was ... annoyed by that.

Fair enough! Definitely! So I guess gradually I started not to rely on him for emotional support, physical presence at events, etc. And we kept fighting when we'd see each other between demanding work schedules.

It got so bad that over the holidays we said the word divorce. I figured it was over and started kind of accepting it and trying to find the good in it. But as that was happening for me, he went through some crisis and realized what he would lose if I were gone and that he was the one who could break the cycle of distant/sad/distant.

Since then, he's been making me elaborate meals, buying me flowers, taking me out, planning surprises, taking interest in my hobbies and ... doing everything I begged him to do for years! Of course, that's not the end of the story.

This new effort, I should have been thrilled about? It doesn't feel right to me.

I told him I was "out of love," but that we could work on it, and maybe have a normal marriage again. He's been ... clingy (understandable!), and kind of pushy in the bedroom area (like, I felt like I was divorcing this guy! I am not excited to immediately jump back in bed!) and really, really emotional. ... like I used to be.

I know that if we weren't married it would have been over a long time ago. I feel like when he said "divorce," I checked out.

I want things to work, not least because I care a lot about my husband and because the making of vows was meaningful to me. But how long can I wait to feel love again -- when I'm not sure I ever really felt it? How do I learn to share my life with someone who always wanted to live independently from me? How can I trust such a huge 180 change?

I know that the Right and Proper thing to do would be to suck it up and honor my marriage vows, forgive him and try to will myself to have kind feelings for him besides "please don't be mad at me." To wait until I have butterflies and rainbows and want to involve him in my life rather than trying to keep him out of it as much as I can in order to protect my emotions -- just in case.

But the waiting is killing him, and it's making me sadder and tired-er and associating him even more with sadness and tiredness to me. Should I stick this out? Is this a rough period I can expect in a marriage? Or is it already over?

Thank you mefi! anonforaday-at-gee-mail

Such a cute pillar of lava

endless_forms — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 10:26:58 -0800

Are there "gift certificates" for World of Warcraft? (Bonus Zombies.) My husband's birthday is coming up, and I have the perennial problem that there's just not much that he wants in terms of consumer goods. I have a few ideas; the problem is that they're all things that I want, too. Even giving him nice clothes is sort of an "us" gift.

The one thing he mentioned when I asked was wanting . . . I'm not even sure, a specialty familiar for WoW, something like an "adorable little pillar of lava"? I guess you have to pay for such things?

How much are those kinds of add-ons? Is it possible to purchase a kind of e-gift-certificate to WoW to let him get himself something ridic that he'll enjoy?

Alternatively, if you know of any new good stuff to do with zombies, that would help too. He loved World War Z, for instance.

No longer want to have kids?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 08:21:08 -0800

Did you always want kids and then at some point change your mind? As long as I can remember, I have wanted to have kids. I'm now almost 34, and for lots of good reasons haven't had them yet. But the older I get, the less I want them. And since I've wanted them so passionately for so long, I'm wondering if I'm just getting cold feet, or if I really am changing my mind. We had planned to start trying in a couple of months, but now are having second thoughts.

For one thing, I'm getting increasingly nervous about the exhaustion factor. For another thing, the closer I get to taking the plunge, I am starting to get terrified about pregnancy (mine would be high risk for a couple reasons) and the possibility of all the problems that can happen to a fetus or a child, or even a teenager. We've had a bunch of horror stories in our friends' lives lately. The chance of having our hearts broken or our lives ruined by something terrible happening to this hypothetical kid is overshadowing my feelings about the topic. (I know this is really selfish.) I also don't want to ruin my husband's life by insisting on a pregancy and then dying or having a horrible kid. He's happy with his life right now.

On the other hand, I do still feel like I would really regret not having kids, and that I would feel like my life was unfulfilled if I never had kids. I think I could talk myself out of that feeling, and substitute kids for something rewarding like volunteering, but it would be hard.

Also, my husband is TERRIFIED of something happening to me, so he wants to adopt, but my dream would be to have one biological kid and then also adopt. Also, my husband is very concerned about the exhaustion factor. And there's a big part of him that doesn't want to have kids, but he has agreed to have them because he thinks I would go insane in 10 years if I didn't. And because he is excited about having kids too.

I can't tell if his pretty strong fears about having children are just wearing me down, or whether I am actually waking up and shaking off this unnecessary biological urge.

We're trying to make the right choice for us as a family, and that may just be that his apprehensions about having kids outweighs my hopes to have them. But I'd like to figure out where I stand these days, and I have been struggling with this question for at least a year.

It seems unlikely to me that I would go from so many years of really wanting kids to not wanting them, so I think this is fear talking, but I thought I'd ask whether other people really have just changed their minds eventually and no longer want kids. (I know it happens the other way around, which makes more sense to me as the biological clocks starts ticking louder and louder.)

Throwaway email: amazingly "coldpregfeet@gmail.com" was still an available email address.

Boy vs. Girl in the World Series of Love

Cool Papa Bell — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 08:54:55 -0800

Husband vs. Wife. The challenge? "In a typical household situation, does every statement you make or question you ask require a verbal or visual response from the other person?" Help settle a good-natured argument between me and Mrs. Cool Papa Bell. Let's call it the "Roger Wilco" problem.

* In a typical household situation, does every statement you make or question you ask require a response from the other person?
* In other words, must every communication be responded do in some fashion, as if you were saying "Roger Wilco" to everything?
* "Roger Wilco" is defined here as being verbal (e.g. "Uh-huh," "I got it," or "Yes") or visual (e.g. a nod of the head, a wave of the hand).

The example:
* Persons A and B are in the same room, watching television.
* Person A gets up to head to the kitchen.
* Person B says, "While you're up, can you get me a glass of water, please."
* Person A does not perform the "Roger Wilco," but does indeed return with a glass of water.
* Person B: "Did you hear me?"
* Person A: "I brought you the water, didn't I?"
* Person B: "Yes, but could you let me know you heard me? At least grunt or something."
* Person A: "Geezus, am I supposed to say 'Roger Wilco' to everything? I'm right here. We're not communicating by battlefield radio."

BTW, Mrs. Cool Papa Bell endorsed my plan to ask this question and is eager for responses, because she thinks I'm crazy old galoot and I (lovingly) think she's a harridan.

What should I get my husband as a Christmas gift?

shortbus — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 07:49:18 -0800

What to get my husband for Christmas? I have never been good at picking out gifts for men. This is my first Christmas with my husband and I have no idea what to get him!

He is a 22-year-old computer programmer who loves to read. I'm not sure I want to get him any books though because he already has so many he hasn't read yet! (Open to any suggestions though)

We do not have the biggest budget for gifts and the only things he had even mentioned are pricey electronics.

Also, I am afraid if I get him something expensive, he will never use it. (He has a history of doing so.)

I am almost on the verge of not even messing with gifts because he hasn't given me any ideas and when I have given him gifts in the past (valentine's day, birthday, anniversary) he seems to be ungrateful. I want him to be surprised about the AWESOME gift I get him so I need HELP!!!

Thank you!

Husband wants to take nude pics

frosty_hut — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 12:41:21 -0800

My husband loves erotic photography and wants to start doing it. I'm not as thrilled, but I want him to have a hobby. My husband has been extremely unhappy at work. For years I've suggested he should take a class -- he's a great, funny, quick-witted guy, and he would just adore an acting class. He likes the idea, but has never moved on it. We hit on filmmaking or a dance class. He likes the idea of both, but again, no action. He has consistently wanted to do photography, and just from what he's done without really knowing what he's doing, I can see he's got a knack that could be developed.

So now that we can afford to get him a camera, he's decided he wants to do -- drumroll please -- nude photography. He's always been interested in it, collects books featuring (mostly) tasteful erotic photos and that sort of thing. We've even joked about him becoming a photographer. I've sometimes pretended to engage him in a real conversation about it. When I asked him where he thought he'd be hosting the models and taking their pictures, he said, "Here!" So I said, "Okay, if you want to take nude photos of women, that's fine. I only have one rule: There will be no bare pussy in my house! Unless it's my pussy!"

Ha ha. So we've laughed a bunch over that, and it's become one of our bits that we return to a lot. Now, though, I'm realizing that the reason it's become a standard bit is that hubby is frickin' serious about this.

Plus, he's losing a bunch of weight. He's on Jenny Craig and doing great with it. I'm so happy and proud of him! But I had a weird something's-stuck-in-my-throat moment when I realized that he was doing it mostly in preparation for his new role as nude photographer. It is exclusively nude women he's interested in photographing. He seems utterly innocent about it when he talks about it -- he's going to be renting a studio, etc. I mean he's making plans. And I'm a little flustered. He wants to look smooth -- he's growing his hair, changing his wardrobe, and becoming obsessed with men's fragrances. It would be funny (like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry says he can't do orgies because he would have to become the orgy guy, with lotions and robes, etc.). Except that this whole thing is making me really really sad.

He has said to me that if this whole thing REALLY bothers me, he won't do it. The thing is, he's so absolutely miserable at work, and I've wanted him to have something to do that he enjoys. He's lost 35 pounds, he's got a spring in his step. I don't want to quash him. But the fact that he seems to be turning into a different person is a bit alarming. And saddening. Mostly I'm just really, really, sad. No specific question, I guess, but I would appreciate your input...am I being rigid, old-fashioned, uptight, etc. to balk at this?

I love him! Our intimate life is good but I'm sure it's nothing like what he imagines could be possible. He says he loves me as I am, that I don't have to prance around in lingerie and shiny boots for him to love me. But I think he's going to be taking pics of stuff like this.

If his erotic life is sort of separated -- compartmentalized -- a place for whitebread me, and another room where other stuff is going on -- is that okay? I mean, that's how it is I guess, whether I think it's okay or not. But -- should I be trying to get into that other room? Or is integration of his mental/sexual worlds not really the point? Should I just be happy that he's occupied? In the past I've felt that I fell short for him sexually, that our love life wasn't creative enough. If this kind of solves that piece for him -- maybe it's okay?

Except I don't really want him to be having sex with these models. I would be jealous. Heck, I'm jealous just thinking of him photographing them.

Okay, time for you to weight in...

I want my husband to go away.

TooFewShoes — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 14:34:26 -0800

I want to find some kind of retreat for my husband. Something over a long weekend up to a week would be ideal. My husband is great. He's an awesome husband and a wonderful father. He very rarely does anything for himself. I'd really like to send him on a vacation just for him where he can do something he likes without compromise or worrying about anybody else.

Something like Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp would be great except that it's too expensive and he doesn't care about music. I'm hoping the hive mind has some ideas for me.

He's a hands on kind of guy and really likes learning skills that are somehow useful. His current interests include woodworking and leather working. He also likes to fish and camp. He's kind of geeky too though, so I could see him going to a science-y type camp. If he was twelve he'd have just as much fun at Space Camp as he would at Scout Camp. He really likes machines, so something involving cars, motorcycles, planes, or helicopters would be good too.

Working as part of the experience would be nice, he might have fun going to some kind of working ranch or something like that.

If he was a normal guy I'd just send him and his friends to a cabin in the woods somewhere, but he's a pretty solitary guy and really shy. He's got one or two friends who I could send him away with, but they are more dominate personalities and I'm afraid he'd end up doing what they want instead of what he wants. Also, I think it would be good for him to get out of his comfort zone a little and meet other like-minded individuals.

Money is an issue here. If it's too expensive I'll never convince him to go.

He's 34, overweight but in pretty good shape. We live in the Western US, so something around here would be best.

Well, how did I get here? Dad needs support!

rouftop — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 00:53:31 -0800

Once I was a guy with a few good friends. Now I'm a husband and a dad in a relatively new place with no friends. I need support but have very little no time or energy to make it happen. What can I do?

My wife and I came to Seattle right after getting married three years ago because we both liked the city and we knew some people, but those people didn't pan out as the social springboard we had hoped.

I'm a telecommuter so there's no meeting people on the job. And I'm loath to give that up as I doubt I'd make as much money elsewhere.

Four years ago my wife and I could both say we were Jewish, but no longer. Now I'm an atheist and my wife is exploring Pagan groups, Buddhism... who knows what's next. Anyway, I don't have a network in that regard.

I'm getting my master's degree at night time, where I've met a few people. But again these are busy people. The ones that are also dads are exceptionally busy so it's hard to "break in," and the ones that are not are a little harder to relate to.

We're 2000 miles away from the nearest family. This has been exceptionally hard on my wife, who has discovered belatedly how much she misses them. In fact, she has a very difficult time trusting hired babysitters (she's getting a little better at this, thank FSM). She's a stay-at-home mom and strives to be a good "attachment parent" for better or worse.

I should be getting my degree in December. Then child #2 arrives in January. I'm dreading both of these events as I fear they will further isolate me. Certainly I'll need to be even more involved with parenting than I already am.

My wife is now making waves about maybe moving to Boston to be closer to her mother. It's an expensive proposition and probably a bad idea given that she finds her father completely toxic. Additionally it would nullify any of my own professional network gains out here. (Plus I HATE the weather.)

Internally I'm a mess. I'm naturally a pretty patient guy but now I have a short fuse. My situation is not sustainable. I need support: a safe place away from my family where I can at a minimum vent about things so they stop gnawing at my insides.

Maybe I need to find a dad's group (where?) or start one (how?), preferably with some kind of a facilitator (?). What else could I do?

Perfect gift for a patient husband?

tryniti — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 09:53:11 -0800

I need ideas for a great second anniversary present for my husband. The catch is that I am currently in another state. Our second wedding anniversary is this weekend, and I would like to get my husband something special to celebrate. Unfortunately, I am in another state working on the oil spill. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and probably won't be home until later this month. Before the spill work came up, we had talked about going to a nice dinner or maybe taking a weekend trip somewhere, but since I'm not there, I don't know what to do. We can delay the dinner/trip until I get some time off, but I would still like to send him something special so that he knows that I am thinking of him, miss him terribly, and appreciate him holding down the fort while I am off rescuing wildlife. What in the world can I have delivered to my house on Sunday that would be a special treat for him?

Other details:
- I have internet access and a credit card, so ordering online or by phone is totally ok.
- He likes good steak, red wine, computers, and history.
- He has been taking care of the house and my 2 dogs for the last few weeks, and probably will be until September at least. He also works 60+ hours a week. Perhaps a maid service?
- I do have family in my hometown that could help me out doing deliveries, etc. if needed.

All ideas greatly appreciated!

So I'm an ingrate, right?

bigwoopdeedoo — Mon, 10 May 2010 05:08:08 -0800

How do I ask my awesome husband for gifts on special occasions? I am a little disappointed that he did not get me anything for my first Mother's Day (other than a very thoughtful and loving and personal card and flowers he added to the basket the day before when we were shopping together). I hate to sound like an ingrate, but I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get a little gift-wrapped something. Should I say something or should I accept this is the way he is? Ok, so my husband is pretty much ideal in every way. He happily helps out with childcare and around the house, he is kind and he is thoughtful. I know this has nothing to do with him not caring about me--I just don't think it's his thing. I am not the best gift-giver in the world, but if I know there is something he would really like and appreciate but would not get for himself (like the iPad for our anniversary), I get it for him.

I know this sounds materialistic, but I am really not. I much prefer shopping for things for him or our son and rarely buy anything for myself. I am not looking to get anything super-expensive (I do not like or wear fancy jewelry or perfume) but something thoughtful. I guess I wished he put more time into it and gave some thought to what I might like. I drop hints as to things I would like but would not buy for myself. Heck, a comfy set of pajamas would be great!

This isn't about his frugality or being a self-centered jerk. It's not about me not being able to buy things for myself.

So my question is--do I say anything? If so, what should I say so he doesn't feel bad for past lackluster gift-giving?

For those interested, here is what happened on the past gift giving occasions:

I started feeling this way about gifts when our child was born last year. I was hoping he would get me a little gift for, I don't know, bearing his child. I was a little disappointed he didn't. When I mentioned it, he said he didn't realize he should have done so and said that he would pay for a dinner out for me and a friend at a favorite restaurant. Not what I was looking for...at all. I never "used" that gift.

Fast forward to my birthday--he got me a pair or earrings which I love, but I could tell it was last minute and he bought them from a friend who sells a jewelry line. I got the impression that she suggested them in advance (she's a good salesperson) and that he got them out of ease. I do love them and wear them all of the time though so the gift was great.

X-mas--We had a crazy-hectic fall/hoiday season so I didn't expect much. He gave me a lot of cash for really nice things and a few small tangible things (like candy), but again, it felt like an afterthought. I told him a few months later that I really would not want cash for a gift in the future. He acknowledged that it wasn't the best gift and agreed that it would have been nicer to put more thought into my gifts.

Valentine's Day, First Anniversay and Mother's Day--flowers, a personalized (and lovely) card and dinner out.

How do I convince my husband to change his hairstyle?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 08:19:04 -0800

How do I politely, kindly and lovingly get my husband to change his hairstyle? Yes, I know you can't change your spouse, so please no comments to that effect.

My husband has had a comb-over for the past 20 years. (He is 45.) When he was younger, it looked odd but not horrid. As his hair has thinned, it's getting more and more obvious that he's going to end up with 6 hairs across the top of his head.

I know that he's quite sensitive about how he looks. When others comment on his hair, and they *do*, it is always in the negative. Hairspray Helmet Head and the like.

He's got a great skull and would look awesome if he'd just take the dive and shave it all shorter. How do I go about convincing him that this would be a good move for his sex appeal and for his career. (I firmly believe that your looks influence people whether you like it or not.)

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza...

bolognius maximus — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:26:16 -0800

Asking for a friend: I am at my wits end. How can I get my husband to get back on track and do what needs to get done? My friend and her husband have been married for 35 years. He lost his job about 5 months ago and since then has done nothing to change the situation. She works full-time, and he stays at home and collects unemployment. Her job does not provide health insurance.

About 7 years ago, they decided to raise elk as an investment. He was planning on selling stock and meat. After they invested a lot of money in starter stock, he never took it past that. Now they have a large herd that eats a lot, and it takes about $700/month to feed them. For my friend, this is a lot of stress, because she says they were barely getting by, and now they are getting behind. She has been asking him for about a year to sell the elk. Whenever she tries to talk to him about his finding another job, he gets moody and pouty and "doesn't want to talk about it". According to my friend, each time she has a discussion with him about the elk or anything financial, he agrees with her. Then he does nothing.

She doesn't know what to do. She is fed up (with everything-she is having difficulty coping as well). She doesn't believe in divorce, but she has threatened to leave him. Nothing seems to work. So what can she do? Has anyone on the green experienced something similar? I advised her that he is probably depressed and needs therapy, but he is the sort that doesn't really go for that type of thing (think very typical midwestern farm couple).

So I am asking on her behalf for suggesions, thoughts, ideas of any sort. I have tried to write down all the important info, but if you think of a detail or something that I missed, please ask me. What can she do to save her marriage?

How do I make things work with my wife while we're working through our issues?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:05:40 -0800

My wife and i are working through some difficult issues. We love each other dearly, but we're no longer physically intimate. Neither one of us is willing to give up on our relationship. How do I make things work while we're trying to make things work? So to make a very long story short, my wife and I have been married 6 years, together over 10. Shortly before we got married our sex life started to head south and over the years deteriorated into sex once every couple months (if that). She's terribly uncomfortable with the idea of being physically intimate. After much arguing and a near divorce I convinced her to go to couple's therapy.

The good news is that we've learned so much about our relationship and love for each other. The process is far from easy, but its worth it. More often than not the therapy reinforces the positives of our relationship. However we still have a long way to go and the physical aspect of our relationship has yet to return.

So here's my question - aside from masturbation and having some good friends to complain to every now and again, what can I do to make life easier for myself and my wife as we're working things out?

(side note: please don't bother telling me to leave her or get a girlfriend on the side. i'm not interested in either of those options, so save your breath)