Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with humanrelations

How not to turn away others just for being myself?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 09:06:27 -0800

How to deal with coming into my own without alienating those I love? I've been depressed for many years and only now am coming to terms with it, planning on seeking therapy in the coming year, and trying to express my own personality, in small doses at first, with others. However, some people, most notably my family, seem to be taking my newly expressed personality badly. I don't consider myself a a particularly bad person, but even showing that I'm anything other than perfectly content seems to cause conflict.

I've always been the good son. The unassuming obedient child of the family that did what was expected of me and my family loves this happy perfect persona I've kept up for many years. But it's just not me. My whole life I've felt trapped into being this person and am trying to slowly bring my real personality out into the open among those I trust. But I've found that as I start to open up to more of my real self to others, the people that know "me" seem further away than ever. How do I become more of than the false idea of myself I used to project without driving others away? And how do I deal with a family that knows me only for what I've represented myself as, but not as a person with any real human emotions?

Questions to keep my students thinking.

CrazyLemonade — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:58:23 -0800

I want to show my students Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" video. I would also like to have them answer some questions about it, but I'm stuck. Some help? I teach a high school Human Relations course. This month we're going to be talking about topics like freedom, different ideas about the meaning of life and happiness, resilience, etc.

The lecture is so good that just watching it will probably get them thinking, but I'd like to give my students some critical thinking or discussion questions to answer after watching.

I'd be grateful for any ideas.

Are there two kinds of love?

VikingSword — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:15:05 -0800

Love filter. How is gay love different from straight love? I've hung out with gay friends for decades and it always seemed to me that their relationships were pretty much like straight relationships, with the obvious caveat of the impact of societal mores.

And now it appears that I was completely wrong. Gore Vidal made this claim:

Has love been important to him? “Don’t make the error that schoolteacher idiots make by thinking that gay men’s relationships are like heterosexual ones. They’re not.” He “wouldn’t begin to comment” on how they are different.

Admittedly, this comes to me as a surprise - I thought in terms of "relationships", period, not gay or straight. Apparently I've been super naive.

I can see some difficulties here. A straight person has experiences of straight relationships. A gay person has experiences of gay relationships. How does anyone compare them without being at one time gay and at another straight?

Not wanting to be like a "schoolteacher idiot" I'd like to know: how is gay love so obviously different from straight love - it can't all be down to having to operate at the margins of society vs full acceptance?

“Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.”

allkindsoftime — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:50:21 -0800

I want to become more of a peacemaker. So I have this friend, let's call him Andrew. Andrew is awesome for a lot of reasons, but he has one quality in particular that I admire more than most: Andrew wants everyone to get along with each other, more than anything else.

Example: we're drunkenly playing board-games at the end of a long day of fun and games at the lake-house. Bill and I get into a semi-heated (but mostly harmless) argument over an ambiguous rule, the outcome of which will determine which team is the game's winner. Andrew invents a side-game, on the spot, based on another rule, to distract us and get us to agree that the winner will determine the outcome of the current argument. 3 minutes later we're all laughing and on to the next game, even though Andrew's team lost the previous game.

Example 2: we're at our weekly ultimate frisbee game and in the middle of a match neither team can remember nor agree on the score. I'm pretty sure we're up at least 5-2, when Andrew, who knows the same to be true, yells to the other side of the field "OK ZERO-ZERO GAME TO 3" and everyone nods and off we go. This happens regularly.

Andrew is always the one who wants everyone to be at ease with each other, even if its at some detriment to himself. He has no pride or personal stake to guard, he simply wants the group to get along, focus on the positives and commonalities, and laugh at life. Simply put, Andrew creates an atmosphere of peace in any circle that he is a part of.

I'm blessed to have a friend like Andrew, but he's also inspired me - I want to be more like that, and I know I'm not, at least naturally. But I still would like to work on changing that - I'd like to be less competitive, more positive and encouraging, and thinking more about how I can make others more at peace - with each other and the group at large.

I'm interested in any mental hacks / tips / tricks, habits to try to practice, or even physical reminders or anything else I'm not even thinking of that can help me see opportunities for bringing peace amongst those I interact with. What have you done to look out less for yourself and more for peace amongst others?

I am a Christian so please feel free to comment from that perspective - as I am aware that peacemaking is one of Christ's foci in his message. But I'm open to and particularly interested in ideas from any / all perspectives, be they other religions or those who swear the idea of religion off altogether, if yall might be so kinds as to share.

I feel bad, but I feel like I need some space when I'm visiting my very sick father

DuckGirl — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 08:15:29 -0800

Is it okay if I don't stay with my grandmother when I go visit my sick father? My father is fighting leukemia and I will be traveling cross-country to visit him for 2 weeks in mid-August. This is the third such visit I’ll have been on since his diagnosis is April, and I’m really looking forward to seeing him in what is an important stage in his treatment (he will be undergoing a bone marrow transplant in another city in early September).

Due to the size of his house, it is not possible that I stay with my dad and his wife during my visit. My brother will also be in town during my visit. The last two times I have been out, I have stayed for the majority of the time at my 85-year old grandmother’s house, and it has been extremely stressful. She is very critical and picky and well, just old. I love my grandmother dearly, but the stress of trying to put up with her expectations during what is an incredibly difficult time is overwhelming. My focus during my visit is to spend as much time as possible with my father, and during the rest of the time I really just want to be able to relax and recover and process what’s going on. In her environment, this is not possible – she is very structured and on a rigid schedule and doesn’t like when I don’t want to have breakfast at 7am or dinner at 6pm or just want to zone out for a bit.

I know this who experience is very, very hard on her as well, and I want to be supportive of her, but I also want to take care of myself. Is it super bitchy of me to not stay with her when I go visit? My fiancé is coming out for the second week of my visit, and in the past when he has joined me we have stayed at a friend’s house (at my grandmother’s suggestion) because she doesn’t have extra space in her home (I sleep in a single bed when I’m there). I feel like I would be more relaxed and would be able to deal with her (and everything else) better if I don’t stay with her, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Said friend is always more than happy to have me stay, and creates a very calm, relaxed, open environment and allows me just to be me. It is definitely my intent to spend time with my grandmother and offer assistance with driving her places and helping her in any way that I can, I just don’t want to stay in her house. Any advice on how I can approach this or how I can change my thinking about it if I am being super bitchy?

What should I do about my terrible family situation? What approach should I have towards my family members?

ThrowawayName — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 00:37:12 -0800

What should I do about my terrible family situation? What approach should I have towards my family members? I'm going to try to avoid going into too many details here, as my family situation is extremely convoluted and all-around horrible, has been like this for 25+ years, and could easily make for a ridiculously long and overly-dramatic post.

My mom and dad have been married fro the last ~25 years. At the beginning, my dad was really abusive towards my mom, but she stuck with him because she thought it would be better for us (the kids) if we had both parents in the household. My mom and dad had 3 kids - me, my sister, and then my younger brother. My dad was (naturally) pretty abusive/angry towards all three of us as well.

Now, I kinda used school as an outlet to escape from all the chaos of home, whereas my sister and brother did not. Sometime during high school though, my brother started to buy all the tripe that my parents had been shoving down his throat, and pretty much became a clone of my dad.

Fast-forward to today. I've graduated college and an in medical school. My sister has not graduated college. My brother has graduated college and has been accepted to a medical school.

My sister has had a lot of trouble with school and relationships and everything. She graduated high school, but has failed out of college numerous times and has been in a few non-healthy relationships. My father doesn't speak to her. My mother can't see that the situation at home and how my sister grew up very likely contributed to how she is today. My brother has more or less dumped on my sister for the last 4 years, calling her all sorts of horrible things, even literally holding her against the wall and choking her at one point, with the tacit support of my parents (especially my mom).

My mom seems unable to see how my brother has turned into / is turning into my dad, and so won't listen when we try to warn her about him and the things he does.

Ok, so, current situation: in two years, I'll be graduating from medical school. I'm very seriously considering not moving back to this area to get away from these psychos, and possibly even cutting off most or all contact from them as well. I feel like to allow myself to keep letting these people into my life would just be asking for continual drama, pain, negativity, etc. Unfortunately, this is a good area to live in (Northern Virginia), and I don't have family in other places so I don't really know where else I could live.

Any thoughts on how to handle this situation or what my mindset towards these people should be? If I thought that the situation would get better or would change with time, I'd be more inclined to stick around, but my brother is completely insolent and stubborn (i.e., trying to talk to him is like just asking for him to get angry at you), my dad is worthless, and my mom is a little worse than worthless because she willingly allowed this situation to get as bad as it has.

Thanks in advance ...

How to ask my boyfriend if he has an STD?

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:19:07 -0800

I noticed a suspicious-looking sore on my boyfriend... how to sensitively ask him to get tested? My boyfriend and I just started dating pretty recently, and we're both fairly young. I didn't ask too many questions about his history because I knew he had only dated one girl... but that may have been a mistake. I noticed (with my TONGUE) a sort of bumpy red spot on the underside of his penis. Looking at pictures I would guess it would be Herpes or HPV (I'm hoping HPV since I am vaccinated and maybe didn't get it if it was). The thing is, we're both kinda shy and bad at talking about this stuff. How do I tell him what I noticed/ask him to get tested in a sensitive way? I don't want to sound like I'm implying that he's disgusting but it's kinda freaking me out.

Who's been sleeping in my bed, and what business is it of yours?

Guy_Inamonkeysuit — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 10:26:22 -0800

Fundamentalist sister coming to visit; won't stay at our place because we are not married! To my way of thinking this is utter insanity. My inamorata has four sisters and they will all be visiting us this week. I have met three of the four. I like them all, but three of them (including the one I have not met) are fundies. We invited one of them to stay overnight at our place but she refused on the grounds that we are not married.

(The remaining sister is gay, so she is obviously not the source of the problem.)

My love and I are not kids; we'll never see 55 again. I confess to feeling highly insulted at this moralistic BS. I told my love that there better be no discussion of politics or religion during this visit because I won't keep my opinion to myself. She agrees that the fundie sister is being an idiot, but of course she, my love, wants to keep the peace (this has been her role, and she is the eldest in the family). I emphasize that I like the fundie sister as a person; she's bright and funny, but clearly (IMHO) deranged.

Is there a good way for me to move past this? How is it that people can still think this way in the 21st century?

How do I forget a flame war?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 10:32:23 -0800

Flame war burn victim asks: how do *you* perform soul grafts after a devastating flame war? I got into a huge flame war on an internet message board after an ad hominem attack. Dumb, right?

Well, it was a community that I was a big part of, that I identified strongly with. And I followed their ad hominems with my own ad hominems. Bridges were burned.

Factually, my arguments were correct and my opponent was wrong. But in the court of public opinion, I was definitely a big loser. And because this community was a big part of my life, the hurt and shame hit very close to home.

I have bowed out of this online community as gracefully as I could, under the circumstances, and have tried to let it go, but it still bothers me. I no longer participate in the community, which concerned topics that are a very meaningful part of my life. I don't feel as if I can return there. It keeps me up at night, I find my unchecked inner dialogue composing replies to the original argument, wanting to bring up the argument with my friends and family so I know they 'back me up.' This is draining, and I want to let it go.

So, green, I *know* you've gotten into flame wars before, and have been both right and wrong. What are the best take-home lessons of the experience (and please, no 'special olympics' quotes, we've heard that one) that you can relate? How do you repair your soul after being burned on the internets?

How do I get over a girl who has lead me on/won't commit, but I still like very much?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 May 2008 15:21:47 -0800

How do I get over a girl who has lead me on/won't commit, but I like very much? I'm a mid-20's single male, working/out of college. She is a early-20's single female, recent grad/just starting out.

Encounter 1-
I met her about 2 years ago through a friend. At the time, she had a boyfriend who lived and went to school far away. We were just friends and we hung out and talked often. Things progressed and got more serious over the course of 2 months, but never physically, to the point that we both admitted we liked each other and discussed a potential relationship between the two of us. It ended up that she broke contact off with me and stayed with him.

Encounter 2-
We ended up connecting again after seeing each other 2 times at a gathering of mutual friends, about 6 months later. We began talking again, and then had lunch. Things were not the same. She was still with boyfriend, seemed happy and talked about him quite a bit throughout lunch. I was made thoroughly uninterested and repulsed (she had not openly-excessively talked about him before in Encounter 1, and was most likely unhappy). We do not stay in contact after lunch.

Encounter 3-
Fast forward another year, till about 2 months ago. I re-establish contact with her, as she is single, I'm still single (have been the entire time I have known her). We end up talking again, a lot, and end up going on a date. Date goes well. She tells me 2 days later that we should probably just be friends. We talk on and off for a week. She goes home for the summer, about an hour away. We talk more. We schedule another date. We go on the date, the date goes well, hand holding and touching all night, go home and things get physical. After an hour of being intimate (with all clothes still on), she realizes that shes being intimate, withdraws, makes me take her home. We talk 2 days later and she says we should just be friends. We have only talked briefly since then, and it hasn't been the same. She has admitted that she likes me, and that there are be issues which would interfere with us currently pursuing a relationship, and said "maybe in the future"/it will happen if it's meant to be.

Question-
How do I get over this girl, or alternately, what is going on? I like her very much, more than any girl I've met in my 2 years of singleness, and probably having more potential than any of my past romances.

However, I feel like I'm not respected, like my feelings and emotions aren't returned on the same level that they are given, and that I'm being jerked around. At the same time, I can't stand to give up, because I know there are SOME feelings there, and EVERY time we talk on a regular basis things become more than friendly. If she was pursuing me half as much as I was her, then I could stand it, because I feel like eventually things would work themselves out. The problem is, unless things are going really well, which is 10% of the time (when shes open for the idea of dates?), I'm doing all of the pursuing. I hate that. I keep going back, being built up and getting dropped. If things hadn't *progressed* when I went back, I wouldn't want to keep going back. But they did, and I want more.

I feel like there are only 3 solutions (in order of likelihood), which would be 1) for her to somehow repulse me, 2) for things to work out with her, or 3) for me to meet someone who I was more enthralled with than her.

"We have started a culture!"

GuffProof — Sat, 17 May 2008 08:01:30 -0800

Does your workplace have a clearly-stated 'organizational culture' or defined theme or an All-Encompassing Guiding Principle for employees? I've been told to create one for our company. From scratch. HELP! I'm in HR at a manufacturing company with 200+ employees; ninety percent work in the plant, general factory labor.

High turn-over, low morale, conflicts, harassment, drinking, drugs, unfit supervisors... the bigger we get, the worse these problems become.

Not for lack of trying. We recognize these problems and work hard to turn things around. (Training programs, policy revisions, stepped-up enforcement, employee apprciation events, etc. ) With little result, unfortunately.

The execs decided that our efforts fail because they are unfocused and scatter-shot. 'We put out individual fires with no comprehensive firefighting plan.'

They have tasked me with fixing this. They want a theme. A guiding principle for our 'workplace culture'.

Something that all our efforts would trace back to... something to change and set the tone in the plant.

Trouble is, no one here (incl. me) has any experience with this type of thing. It's a family company with a very casual approach. No mission statements, few meetings, no tolerance for Dilbert-ization or business cliches. Until now, I guess.

Where do I start? The execs are no help. When I asked for guidance, a hint of what they had in mind, I was told "You want us to do your job for you. You tell us."

I replied that I just wanted a feel for what they were looking for in a theme, they told me to "go read a book or something."

I will do some reading / research, but I also want to hear your first-hand experiences. Would something like "ABC Company: A Culture of Respect" be too general? It keeps coming to mind, I must have heard it somewhere.

Any suggestions or descriptions of what works (or doesn't) in YOUR workplace would be greatly appreciated. THANKS!!

So there's this girl...

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:30:34 -0800

So there's this girl. She is brilliant and wryly funny and beautiful and we are grad students together in a program that will shortly be ending. Explain to me in the simplest possible terms - as though I were an extraterrestrial anthropologist with an academic interest in, but little direct experience with, human interaction - how I can show her that I'm interested in being more than friends... (Posted anon because some mutual friends read Metafilter.) So I'm pretty sure she is into me to some extent - she goes out of her way to talk to me, mentions wanting to get to know me better, gets close and casually touches my arm when we're talking, etc. The problem is that I'm an unmitigated, clueless bonehead when it comes to this sort of thing, and I'm years out of practice. Basically, I'm looking for ways to show or tell her that I think she's awesome, and that I want to get to know her better outside of class, without seeming wierd or awkward as I do so. Any suggestions as to what I should do next here?

P.U. It's a little whiffy in here.

cuddles.mcsnuggy — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 08:07:14 -0800

I have a coworker with intermittent odor issues (cigarette smoke and stinky food) and am hoping for some new suggestions in dealing with them. Non-confrontational, passive methods preferred. Background: She sits in the next cubical. Our walls are short, rising only about to our chins when seated, so we are all within view of each other (there are about 150 people on my floor). Her head is literally just 3' from mine. Now, I like this person very much and she does not have body odor or any other persistant smell. The problem is that she only stinks a few times a day. She loves popcorn, and sits in her cube munching but the wafting fetid "popcorn breath" is strong and nauseating. It's enough to peel wallpaper. She also loves stinky lunches, favoring raw onions and cruciferous noshings such as broccoli soup or saurkraut. She's a heavy smoker and when she returns from her breaks 2 or 3 times a day, the cigarette stink is strong, far reaching, and long lasting. Now don't get me wrong; I enjoy the occasional smelly lunch myself and I don't judge her for smoking. I just want to be able to get through the day without my poor nose being assaulted to the point of nausea and lightheadedness.

I have tried the Oust fan, and found that though it's effective, it's not an ongoing option. When coworker came back a-stinkin' I'd discreetly turn on the Oust fan & put it under my monitor pointed at my face. Though I don't care for the scent (it gives me a headache) it did work to blast away the stink, but caused its own problems.... namely the girl across the aisle apparently hated it; so much that she started turning her own large high-power fan directly at my cube and spraying perfume into it. That was obnoxious. But she stopped when I got rid of the Oust. The Oust has been Ousted. So now I'm back at square one. I do have a couple of plants in my cube. Does anyone have suggestions for things such as a gadget or another specific type of plant that would help? Not static air fresheners (the kind that just continually put out scent like the plug-ins, glade thingies, or potpourri pots), I don't think they'd do anything for the overpowering sudden-onset odors. I'd prefer something I can do just when she starts to stink... does anyone have experience with those electronic air purifiers? Any specific models I should check out? Are there any pleasant flowering easy-care plants that would suck up the smell (that are not a type of lily), maybe if I turned a fan on it now & then? I'm considering refilling the oil bottle for my Oust fan with a more friendly scent like vanilla or apple or somesuch but I'm also hoping for a fallback in case obnoxious perfume girl hates that too. Talking to the stinker, moving to another cube, or reporting her to leadership is not an option. I'd like to keep this as polite, private, and passive as possible so that my personal space alone is odor-cleansed without offending anyone else. I've already viewed these MeFi threads and didn't find much that was helpful. I appreciate any new thoughts!

Why have people always thought this?

dmaterialized — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 07:28:40 -0800

So, despite no one having told me this through high school, now that I'm in college I've been informed that everyone, everywhere, thinks I'm gay (and high school friends have confirmed this, now that I've asked). Men, women, doesn't matter. I am aware that I have a (very) slight lisp, which I hate because I can't control it (from birth). I am aware that I'm upbeat and tend to talk fast when excited. My body language is probably somewhat submissive, but I don't think it's THAT bad. I'm shy around a lot of women, don't make eye contact a lot, and a lot of guys don't like me because I'm not that into the "guy topics of conversation". Aside from, you know, how EFFING HOT random girl #43 is. (Cause she was!) The point is, I'm disturbingly straight and finding out what everyone really thinks has thrown me for a huge loop--not only am I being perceived as something I'm not, but it's also been (continually) detrimental to my success with women and social acceptance by guys... and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Anyway, I've had two long-term sexual relationships (with girls, lol) and a bunch of shorter ones, and at 20 I feel that's a decent amount. They've not felt this way about me-- it's just the overwhelming majority. So it's not like I CAN'T get laid, just that it isn't usually something that works out. (I've had girls actually say "Oh my god! I thought you were gay, I'm sorry!" It's depressing as hell.) If I actually was gay, maybe I'd have better luck, but no dice there.

I mean, fuck it. I'm rather short (5' 6"), I'm a Buddhist, I keep my opinions mostly to myself, I tend to smile a lot (which I don't like--it's probably out of nervousness). Do these qualities somehow magically combine and produce a giant Caught Teh Gay arrow over my head? The point is that I'm having horrible self-esteem/body image issues because of this-- I hate that I smile so much, I hate the way I talk even though I can't control it, I hate all these behaviors of mine because people are reading them wrong. Every time something comes up to remind me that yes, this is how people see me, I feel completely betrayed. This is about the only thing in my life that consistently brings up thoughts of suicide. And, considering that my life is so great and that otherwise I'm so happy, I just want to get this at least marginally under control. Before I knew about all this, I just lived my life-- and now I'm a nervous wreck selfesteemwise.

I want to make people aware of the fact that I'm straight, but girls (you know, the so-called "intuitive ones" of our species) tend to not get the hint unless I stare at their cleavage for hours. And even then, not always. Hey, it's not like I don't want to :) but I feel like doing it to their face is just rude (and it is). Also, once girls are at the point where they find out I'm not gay, I'm in the "friends zone"-- meaning that, while it's good that someone else knows, it doesn't help the cause. The more gorgeous the girl, the longer it takes for this to happen.

I don't understand why some guys-- who are certainly not pigs and are certainly artistic, not macho, etc. do not get lumped into this category. I go to a very liberal college where most guys are artsy and effeminate (or slightly so) while the gay men are FLAMBOYANT AS ALL HELL (and really creep me out--I've got no problem with their preference but they act like a dialed-up version of every gay stereotype you've ever heard of) and if I'm reading this right, people are lumping me in with them. AAAAAAH!

So, the question(s): What makes people think a guy is gay? What (body language or speech patterns specifically) might convey this, or convey "straightness"? Does this kind of juvenile thinking somehow go away after college? Should I just move to fucking Europe or something? How can I just act like one of the guys? (that's all I want to be!) Why is it that people are always talking about the gay men who they "couldn't tell at all", yet I'm instantly categorized despite my long-standing infatuation with Tha Pussy? How can I really, seriously be less effeminate? I'm honestly willing to do a lot to get this shit over with. Any ideas?

Getting others to work for you.

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 23:53:51 -0800

How do you get people to do things you tell them to do? Pretty much in any situation, I feel like I have trouble asking people to do things for me. If I need a ride, I feel embarassed asking my friends. I'm also scared, scared of them saying no. I hate it when someone refuses a request. It happens at work all the time, and it frustrates me to no end.

My theory is that I don't know how to get people to do things I want them o do. I always feel like I'm coercing them, and I feel like they resent helping me out.

I've read How to Win Friends and Influence People, it's pretty good, but I want something more straightforward than influence. I want to be able to manage people and direct and make things happen, in addition to being able to ask my roommate to do the dishes tonight.

I don't want to boss people around, I don't want to control them. But is there a book or something that will help me get the right kind of ideas about getting people to do what you want them to do?

i won a new car!! just kidding.

pricklypear — Mon, 14 Aug 2006 16:03:36 -0800

How do you deal with someone who constantly seeks attention through exaggerations and impulsiveness? A friend likes to seek attention through grandiose gestures. His typical behavior consists of saying something astounding yet plausible to gain attention, but once you start asking questions about it, he’ll say “just kidding.” Of course, if you don’t ask about it, he’ll keep bringing it up (over the next few minutes, days, whatever necessary) until finally you’re curious enough to ask, and then he says, “just kidding.” Other behavior includes exaggerating scenarios for sensationalistic purposes, speaking loudly about his personal life so surrounding people will hear, and making high-priced, impulsive purchases to stun others.

Multiple people have indicated to him that this behavior is childish, irritating, and needs to stop. In response, he stops temporarily, but is back doing the same thing within days. Is there anything that can be said or done to encourage him to end this behavior, once and for all?

Blushing

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Jun 2005 22:26:00 -0800

How can I stop blushing? I am a quite social and extroverted person with a relatively large social circle. I consider myself confident. However, whenever I experience any minimal amount of emotional stress, my face turns red. Usually: Really red, really fast. Especially in situations that would make me feel somewhat self-conscious. Anger, or being offended, also definitely does it.

It seems that in most social contexts, blushing is regarded as a sign of being embarrassed about something. With me, thats not the case. I hardly ever feel embarrased about anything, and if my face turns red, thats not why. Self-conscious? Likely. But not embarrassed. Meaning the only thing that really feels bad, is the fact that I know that I'm blushing.

Now, when I'm with people I know, this isn't that much of a problem, as they know that I'm like this, and they know it's nothing to worry about. But when I'm meeting new people, it is a problem. If I suddendly turn red in the face for apparently no reason, they will think they've made me uncomfortable or said something wrong (or that I'm a weird fool, for that matter), and the whole situation gets awkward.

For me, however, the only problem is the awkward situations the varying color in my face creates, the emotional stress that caused my sudden color change is usually so negligible I hardly even notice.

This whole thing is especially problematic situations like speaking to crowds, job interviews etc. where it seems unavoidable to feel a little conscious about ones self, and me turning red-faced seems predestined.

I'd really like to hear of ways of dealing with this.

I know of a surgical operation where they enter through your armpit and just cut of the nerve that makes you blush. It's supposed to be a quite low-risk and quick operation, and frankly it's something I likely would have already done if I had the money available.

I've heard of other people taking beta-blockers before upcoming potential blushfests, but I wouldn't want do be doing that without at least seeing my doctor about it first. Don't know about the side-effects etc., and unless I'd be able to take it everyday it wouldn't help me in my daily life.

Irritation from cosmetic products? A few years ago I was using some facial cleansing stuff, and that seemed to be making it worse. These day the only chemical stuff that touches my face is some shaving-foam "for sensitive skin", and that actually seems too soothe the skin. Switching to that shaving foam may actually have maybe me blush slightly less than before. FWIW, I'm using regular shampoo, even though my scalp is kind of red-ish.

I'm in my very late teens, and I've been like this probably since the very start of my teenage years. Blushing is said to be something most people grow out it, but I feel that if I was to grow out of this, it would have happened by now. I also know that this is a problem some well-established adults do deal with.

Finally, just to illustrate how extreme it can be sometimes: I don't even need to be around other people for my face to turn red. I can sit alone on a bus, and feel myself blushing, likely because of some minimal and unimportant thought crossing my mind. It really isn't cute anymore, just a pretty large annoyance. All help is largely appreciated.

Ending a Friendship

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Jan 2005 21:04:50 -0800

I really am not excited about a friend's engagement and I think it's really stupid and rushed into. They're throwing a party. This is the second time they're trying to throw it, and I have a suspicion (because it was never cancelled before) that nobody even came the first time. I don't even want to be her friend anymore. Do I have to go? More generally, is it at all possible to handle the end of the friendship well?

Are there any circumstances under which adult children become responsible for a parent's debts?

widdershins — Thu, 28 Oct 2004 11:48:57 -0800

Are there any circumstances under which adult children become responsible for a parent's debts? I have no communication with my mother but know that her spending is out of control. She lives in the US but is not a citizen or permanent resident; I live in the US and am a permanent resident ('green card' holder). I am concerned that I could somehow become responsible for her mounting debt. Does anyone have any experience with/knowledge about this?

Armchair Psychiatry

grumblebee — Fri, 10 Sep 2004 06:20:31 -0800

Do you play armchair pyschiatrist? How sure are you that you're right about people's inner lives? Do you act on your hunches? [More Inside.] ["psychiatrist," that is...]

I'm a somewhat eccentric person, I'm shy and don't talk much in public, and I don't show a lot on my face -- so my moods are very open to interprestation. Lately, I've been in a few situations in which people wrongly tagged my mindset. They didn't say "I think you're..." or "It seems to me you..." or "Are you...?" The KNEW (or believed then knew) what was going on inside my brain. One guy told me, "if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you're lying." And it wasn't a "lie" that he could sniff out by comparing my claim with real-world facts. My "lie" was a claim about my beliefs -- something known only to me -- and he then counterclaimed that I was lying about my beliefs. I wasn't. But he was unshakable. I asked him for some evidence, but he said he just "could tell." This syndrome has even happened to me here. Once a whole group of MeFi people accused me of being dishonest about my feelings. I was actually being quite honest. My feelings were just a bit unusual.

How good do you think you are at guessing what's going on inside someone elses head? After you've made that guess, what do you do with it? Do you present it to the outside world as fact? Is it unshakable? Are you 100% sure you're right? Have any of you ever been able to shake someone else of a belief about YOUR mental state? If someone says, "I can tell you're depressed," there's no way you can prove you're not, even if you're not. Right?