Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with how

Let's be friends, not roomies.

wild like kudzu — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:40:14 -0800

So, I want to move out of my apartment. I'm going to try to do things right, and I'm not trying to screw over my roommate (we have about 4 months left on the lease). It's a somewhat delicate situation, unfortunately there is (a lot) more inside... (sorry!) For anyone who has followed my posts regarding roommate drama, you'll know that I've had difficulty communicating with my roommate since we moved in. We fight once every month or once every other month. Usually it's over something incredibly minor, and it usually results in me getting a prolonged silent treatment from the dear roomie, regardless of the issue.

So... I feel like I've grown up a lot. I have tried to let every annoyance and inconvenience go that I possibly can. That's not to say that I forgot about them, but I've really tried hard to just deal with them on my own and not make them into a big deal because I just can't handle the way she talks to me when we discuss anything important. She usually raises her voice, and has been known to slam doors and then avoid me. It's all a big hassle, so I try to just let things go.

Well, that tactic has worked in that there have not been any significant arguments in a while, and on the face of things we seem to be getting along fine...

Except that there is a difference this time around. Usually I just apologize profusely for anything I could have possibly done wrong and try to get back on better terms. I'm still being nice, but this time something inside of me has shifted. I'm no longer worried about what she thinks of me, but I've become increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect she treats me and our apartment and things with.

I'm not writing this post to try to demonize her, just to explain that we're simply not getting along. I'd love to sit down and hash everything out with her, but according to her everything is always "fine". Well, fine it may be, but in the long run our relationship has become really unfair and one-sided. I do all the work, she does all the partying. I buy all the household supplies, she uses them. She leaves her stuff wherever, and I keep the apartment tidy.

I just feel... it's unfair. I feel like my efforts are wasted, that no one appreciates the work I've done, and when I've asked her for help with these things it never ends up happening and usually results in a stupid tiff that drives me batsh*t crazy with anxiety. Basically, I think I give up.

So, that being said, here's the meat of my question:

I have friends who have an open room in their house. I've known both of them for a while, and they've been living with each other for about 3 months. Since before they moved in, they asked me to live with them. I would love to. Their house is an upgrade in just about every way (about $150 cheaper a month, closer to school, they're both students so they keep hours more like mine (I go to bed at 11 and up at 8, my roommate goes to bed at 5 or 6 AM and wakes up around 4pm), there's a washer and dryer, it's prettier... the list goes on) and it seems perfect. I had been planning on waiting till our lease was up in April to move in with them, but as time has passed I've realized I don't think my situation here is going to improve much.

So, that being said, my roommate's best friend just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She's right now crashing with friends, looking for a place to live.

I thought, "perfect!" because the timing could work out just exactly right. I could move within the month, and her best friend could take my place.

So.... given that my roommate is prone to fits of anger and can be incredibly sensitive when it comes to interpersonal discussion, I'd like to break the news in a peaceful and kind-hearted way.

It would seem that everything would fit together so perfectly, but I'm afraid that my roommate's recent disagreements with her friend may dissuade her from this change.

So I'm thinking that I should just say "Hey, I think I've come up with a solution to your friend's current living situation. My friends have a great room available for me, and the new place would be easier to afford and more convenient for me anyhow. Since I've paid December rent, I'm going to start working towards moving out by January 1st, and find someone to take my room. It seems perfect that your friend would move in, but if that's not to your liking I will put an ad on craigslist and start interviewing people"

I'm worried that, A, she's going to be upset. I don't want to be mean, just to make my life a little more livable. I'm also worried that if she doesn't want to live with her friend it's going to become a huge, drawn-out process of looking for a roommate-- I'm afraid that every potential roomie will be shot down, and I'll end up paying the rent for months.

I really don't want to lose her as a friend, but it doesn't seem that I can really avoid it.

Ugh. Any advice? Thanks for reading!

Tactfully breaking off casual dating

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 16:11:26 -0800

How to tactfully break things off with a woman I just started dating? I’m a late 20s guy with fairly limited dating experience. I’ve been in two long-term relationships thus far (both ended very amicably) and in several short term ones. My short term relationships mostly fizzled out without any formal break up. The few that ended formally, my girlfriend was the one to break it off (“we should just be friends”) but this was after 2-6 months of dating.
After many years of not being able to land a date, I gave up and now seem to be going on dates all the time (women I meet offline and online). Although I am having a good time, I have no idea how to end these casual dating relationships when I am no longer interested. Example: I recently met a girl at my coffee shop (we’re both regulars there). We chatted a couple of times, I asked her out, and went on a date. A week later we had a second date. After both dates, she wrote me a nice email saying how much she enjoyed it and that she was looking forward to seeing me again. She seems like a nice person but after two long conversations with her, I realized that I don’t enjoy being around her. My usual response to a situation like this is to not return the email and hope that she doesn’t contact me again. I would probably also avoid that coffee shop for a little while. But clearly this is not the adult thing to do.
Writing her an email saying “Hey, I’m not interested in dating you anymore” sounds weird and formal (because we are not in a relationship). But then I don’t want to leave her hanging. What is the graceful, adult thing to do here?

PS: I have been on the other side of this too. A few weeks ago I went on a date with someone I met on okc. I wrote her an email and called a few days after the date. We played text tag for a couple of days but then she stopped responding and deleted her profile. So that was the end of that. Is that the way to go? Stop responding and the other person just takes the hint?

How to flight?

hal_c_on — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:50:47 -0800

How do I fight? I'm a pretty small guy. I'm also a former US Marine. I had loads of combat training, and instructors usually took me aside and told me that if I'm ever to depend on my physical prowess rather than my riflemanship, I am to fight dirty. Cock punching, eye gouging, neck jabs, knee breaking. All sorts of stuff that will enable me to survive in a situation where my life depends on it.

If I was in Belleau Woods, or Omaha Beach...that would make sense. But I'm not. I'm a civilian...and I have never been in combat.

What the hell do I do if and when I'm in a fight?

I don't want to say I'm a pacifist...but its been about 2-3 years since I last hit somebody. I don't like doing it...and I will only do it if I feel like my life is in danger. I'd rather look like a wimp and walk away, than be a tough guy who actually hurts someone. In fact, I'd rather take a punch and lay on the ground crying, than jab someone in the throat with a rigid hand. I don't want to hurt anyone. Thats my second goal.

My first goal is to not allow myself to be SERIOUSLY hurt.

In most situations, I feel I can walk away. No problem. If 99% of the people watching me think I'm a wimp...thats fine. I'd much rather be a perceived wimp, and leave without ANYONE hurt than hurt somebody to inflate my pride.

BUT...there MAY be situations in the future(although I try to avoid them like the plague) where I may be put in a situation where I HAVE to hurt or get hurt.

How the hell do I fight against some jerk who has less skill than me without killing or hurting him?

Mind you...running is ALWAYS an option for me. I will ALWAYS choose to run rather than being caught in a fight. Is it because I'm a wimp...nope. Its because I don't want anybody to suffer. Seriously.

But what do I do if I'm in a hurt or be hurt type of fight? I know this is isn't the best place to ask...but for years, I haven't been able to come up with an adequate solution.

How do I disable the situation without hurting the other person(s), or getting hurt?

I'm freaking funny...and have no problem running or ditching any material goods. Those are always my first options. I've been in fights before...and I have remained pretty calm (probably because I knew I could disable the situation and leave quickly). But I am DEATHLY afraid of the day I am surrounded by a few people and feel as if my only option is to fight dirty. I'm a civilian, and I don't want to do that. What the hell do I do?

Any help?

Sorry this isn't a typical AskMe type of question...but I really do need help here.

ET Phone Home

Funmonkey1 — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:36:40 -0800

VPS and Internet Proxy: I have a VPS and want to be able to access the internet remotely from it. For example, the VPS is hosted in Scandinavia while I am in USA, how do I create a proxy server so I can access internet through the VPS country? Reasons for doing this are simple. While traveling there is country only content I can't access from abroad. Much like Hulu isn't available outside US.

I figure there must be a simple script or some type of settings I can use, but my google-fu isn't coming up with any good results.

VPS is Linux based, SSL enabled, etc....Perl, PGP, Python -- you name it, it is supported.

Sleepz?

sully75 — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:00:12 -0800

If you are really exhausted from lack of sleep and stress, x say 2 months off and on, what's the best thing to do to get back in good shape? I've had a pretty stressful couple of months (2 moves, started a crazy school program, lots of work, anxiety). I haven't been sleeping particularly well for a lot of it and also fell of my exercise routine that I'd been doing since January.

Anyway, I missed out on a lot of sleep. The last few weeks I've just felt weary. Sometimes I don't but it doesn't take much for extreme weariness to kick in.

So what do I do? I have a hard time sleeping during the day, or sleeping in. Should I force myself to lay in bed, even if I don't sleep? Or just try to get on a more regular sleep schedule and wait for things to fix themselves?

An additional problem is that I usually wake up a bit after sunrise and it's really hard to get back to sleep. And I play music at night so I'm often awake until 11 or 12. = I'm getting 6.5 hours of good sleep a night quite often, and 8 would be more like it.

A job for my partner...

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 09:55:55 -0800

Asking for my partner: What to DO if you live in a country where you speak the language quite well but it's not your mother tongue, but have 1:1 English literature degree, a fair bit of life experience and common sense, are interested in working with people but the idea of another crappy office job almost brings on a panic attack? This is the situation my fiancée finds herself in. She's worked for a year in a low-level government office job but hated it. Now she works and lives with people with learning disabilities and loves it. The problem is the lifestyle, living WITH the mentally disabled, is totally all-consuming and very draining. What she could do is this as a day job, somehow, not a life.

But is this it? Are these her options now? When she was younger I'm sure she dreamed of working in publishing (she's a bookworm), I could see her as a jessamyn-style librarian etc...
But she's been so put off by the experience of office-life that she had that she is now convinced she's not cut out for that kind of job. As I said she likes people and making a difference etc, so what kind of jobs are open to her? Are there any other people on Metafilter like her? Her confidence is not so high but most things she turns her hand to she shines at.

Really appreciate the help.

I'm also aware that people will read between the lines "I could see her as..." "I'm sure she dreamed of...".
Yes I am suggesting my own dreams for her here - but as I said, she currently lacks the confidence to aspire to this herself.

Help me learn piano on the cheap!

scarello — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 16:21:57 -0800

Help me learn piano on a budget. I have always wanted to learn, and now I am 31 and tired of just wishing! Problem is, money is tight, so I am looking for suggestions on how to teach myself on the cheap (if that's possible). So, if you are able to suggest some affordable equipment (I own no piano), that would be great. Preferably a keyboard I could connect to my computer, as opposed to a full, traditional piano (space is tight as well). And any resources for learning, would be much appreciated.

Help me sell my Excel spreadsheets!

jseven — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 19:55:01 -0800

How can I sell my Excel spreadsheets online? I create custom, complex, spreadsheets that I would like to sell online. What would be the best way to make this happen? I know enough about how to setup a basic website, but I'm really looking for suggestions on how to handle the transaction side of the business. I have no idea how to take payment and once the payment is received pass them either the file or the activation code for the file automatically.

I am open to using a service etc. but I'm looking for any ideas to make this happen.

Thanks,
J

How can I be mayor of Hooverville?

bingo — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:58:39 -0800

I have a good, stable job with a disposable income. What should I be doing to take advantage of the troubled economy?

Help me find this how to website!

Andorinha — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:42:30 -0800

Ask me find this how to website! A series of videos with hipsters teaching you things like how to calm down a baby by turning on a tap, and wrapping your headphones' cord. Google-fu is totally failing me! Cool website with very short videos teaching you to do a series of things, featuring rather attractive people and minimalist, colourful backgrounds. I can't remember if there is a narrator but I don't think the people in the video ever speak.

Anyone?

How does one hookup with someone from easily 8-10 years ago?

isoman2kx — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 17:31:19 -0800

How does one hookup with someone from easily 8-10 years ago? I've always wondered this as I see people here and there that I used to have a crush on back in like junior high or early high school, yet I'm just getting around to asking this now. I saw this girl that I went to school with today. She was a friend of my best friend's sister. I didn't really know her technically (10 years ago). So I broke out the yearbook after I saw her in church, looked her up on myspace/facebook and would like to talk to her with the intentions of eventually hooking up.

How does one go about doing this? Does it work at least some of the time or never? lol. My message so far to her on myspace was "Hey there. I saw you at St. Theresa's Church today. I swear you look familiar, were you in the same class as XXX's sister back at St. Ambrose?"

I think that's good enough for an intro. Not too creepy or anything. Yet, where do I go from here because technically I don't even know her?I've got like a 3rd degree of separation at best. This message goes for any situations similar too, like people you haven't seen in 4-5 years, people you barely knew but want to get to know. People you had like one class with 3 years ago, etc, lol.

-Travis

How to read PDF files on Amazon Kindle?

omaralarifi — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:30:24 -0800

How to read PDF files on Amazon Kindle? If your answer in which I have to convert it to whatever file type(s), then please guide me in step by step process (in details if possible) to fully read PDF files in my Amazon Kindle.
Thanks

Is there a place on the internets that I can get an idea of what my records are worth.

citybuddha — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:52:21 -0800

Is there a place on the internets that I can get an idea of what my records are worth. I have a large collection of vinyl I am thinking of selling. Many are obscure new wave stuff from the 70's and eighties. I am looking for a site or two I can use to get an idea of what they are worth individually.
I have some tasty CDs as well
Gotta a suggestion?

crunch-filter: how do I stop my stomach from being sore?

krautland — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:36:07 -0800

crunch-filter: how do I stop my abdominal muscles from aching? it seems I went a bit too far with my crunches this week and now I'm unable to sleep with an aching tummy. I realize there's probably not a lot I can do about that right now I'd like to keep this from happening again, mainly because a sore stomach feels horrible. it's as if you were sick and wished you could throw up but just can't.

so is there a way to stretch your abdominal muscles? especially the upper ones seem to be the issue for me.

Smallest Number of Words To Be Deemed A Dictionary?

vanoakenfold — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:59:13 -0800

LogosFilter: Could a blog entry that contains two words and their definitions be consistent with the definition of a dictionary? In looking up with word dictionary, I most often find something along the lines of "a collection of words.." as far as quantity, but nothing further than that besides "a selection of words" or "a list of words" which to me would be at minimum, two. Is two of something a collection? How many of something must one have before it is deemed a collection?

how to plan for a move

haikuku — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 11:08:34 -0800

I own a home in the mountains of WNC. It is large and old (1895) and in fair condition. Fortunately, (and unfortunately), it is in an area that is experiencing a lot of influx by wealthy folks fleeing whatever. It is time to begin thinking about my next life. I plan to move to a quieter location in the same vicinity and build a small home in a four years when my son goes to college. I have about (cringe) $8,000 in credit card debt, a $30,000 mortgage, and probably $100,000 in untapped equity in the house. Should I borrow more money to, 1) pay the credit card debt, 2) fix the house up, 3) buy some land before it all gets subdivided.

Depilation & tretinoin?

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 13:00:47 -0800

I've been using tretinoin for adult acne since July, and my purge phase seems like its never going to end. One thing that seems to re-aggravate my skin when it's ready to calm down is depilation. I used to wax my upper lip, but the tretinoin label specifically says not to wax. Tweezing, both lips and brows, seems to provoke more zits, as well as taking for-freaking-ever. I've been thinking about bleaching the hair on my upper lip, but am worried that this will just make everything bust out anew.
I'm hairy as a saquatch and covered in zits. Please help!

How should I deal with an uncomfortable"flash to the past?"

gregb1007 — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 00:14:28 -0800

Any suggestions for snapping out of a rather too-absorbing trip down memory lane? I recently decided to polish up a very long essay I wrote many years ago but the experience became eerie. I spent months writing that essay and the couple of hours I spent re-reading it just now has brought back memories from that period in all its glorious and sordid detail.

Vividly remembering the atmosphere/my own feelings/emotions from that period is really creepy. I feel transported into a time, that, though it was fun, was also quite intense and emotional.

Remembering/perhaps reliving my state of mind from back then is distracting me from being in the current moment and doing what I would otherwise do. Any suggestions from snapping out of a rather too-absorbing trip down memory lane?

where do you summer?

raztaj — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 08:01:27 -0800

Costume help: Young Republican? I'd like to dress up as a 'Young Republican' for Halloween. What do you recommend I wear? What does preppy mean to you?

how do I find some decent therapy on no $$$?

mr. remy — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 00:29:32 -0800

I'd like to get some kind of psychotherapy for change-of-life adjustment issues. I live right near a major university and wondered about talking with a student intern... would it, mefites, be (a) possible and (b) prudent? Following a bevy of career, financial, and romantic setbacks in the past six months, I've found that my motivation to get out of the house has grown a bit ... ehh... heh... suffice it to say that some avoidant-type disorder is creeping up on me like spanish moss on a hoary old cypress. That's me, sir hoary old cypress.

What I'm looking for is some sort of life-coaching, duck-sequencing-assistance, and preferably at a low price. Very low price: I've got big bad money troubles. I've nosed around websites, talked to friends, and think I could benefit from seeing a shrink. But how? Knowing that I have very little means to pay, and that only the most generous of sliding-scales would help? As mentioned above, I think a student would be great: easy to talk to, and given the (relatively) uncrucial nature of my problems, a good match.

Can this happen? How does one go about it? Is it weird or too-forward to call the school themselves? Your thoughts?

get thee to a therapist

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 18:00:46 -0800

How do I get me some therapy? How do I talk to a therapist? Life has thrown me a few curve-balls lately. Like: money, relationship, education, friends, future plans ... all have crashed and burned in the last year. Irredeemably. Mostly due to circumstances beyond my control. Not entirely, but mostly.

And while I've been able to weather these obstacles without any major depression, I've also found that formerly simple tasks [talking to strangers, making phone calls, managing my money, writing (I freelance), getting employed] are becoming more and more difficult. Toward a point of impossibility. Simply, I don't have any skin for rejection, and I avoid situations where I might incur any.

I need to see a therapist. I know this. But I don't, in two senses of the word, know "how."

1) I don't know how to choose / pay for one. As mentioned above, I have no job, little money, and there's not a lot of relief on the visible horizon. I thought that a student getting a degree in counseling would be a good bet, but I don't know to go about finding somebody. And I can't honestly say that I can make more than bare-bones sliding scale payments. For what it's worth, I'm in West Los Angeles.

2) I don't know "how" to talk to a therapist. In high school I visited a guy (mandatory for all students) who ended up reporting on my non-scary conversations ... like that I wanted to quit the soccer team, or that I found my friend K attractive ... to my parents, who were friends of his. Three sessions, and I quit. I think understandably. In college, after my girlfriend left in the middle of the semester to go live with her 18-year-older childhood tennis instructor, I sought another counselor. I met with a woman who responded in the most rote, unhelpful way possible: I ended up loaded to the gills on Zoloft I didn't need. I felt like I was talking into a mirror. I'd read more insight in my psych 101 book. She was nice, sympathetic, and well-intentioned ... but she didn't actually 'do' anything except allow me to whine in her office for an hour a week. She never asked me tough questions or gave me really helpful advice. I really ended up resenting her, feeling the counseling was a waste of time. Finally, in the middle of one meeting she asked if I'd like to tutor her high school daughter in Spanish. I'd been talking about lost friends at the time. I didn't go back the next week.

So how do you 'do' an effective therapy session? What do you say? I need life coaching of some sort, I know. But beyond listing all the bad mojo that's gone down lately, and admitting that, you know, I'm confused and unsure of my future, what can I do? How do I get the real advice I need?

bra strap

transona5 — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 09:53:42 -0800

How to keep bra straps from showing without safety pins? I have a few shirts with somewhat wide necklines that sometimes expose my bra straps if I move around. Is there any way to keep the straps attached to the shirt that's less obtrusive than safety pins and less permanent than sewing?

How to control one's sexual urges

Noodles — Sat, 12 May 2007 16:36:49 -0800

Hi: Is there a drug. mineral or Vitamin I can buy to curb my sexual urges? I am 37 years old male and just became single. I am having a hard time with this so please be serious.

Ringfilter: How to wear this ring?

hannahq — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 01:23:36 -0800

How does one wear a ring with lettering? We're having a debate here. I'd like to defer to you guys 'cause you're all so smart!

Should the lettering of a ring be facing the wearer (so it reads right side up) or the other way around?

How do I start a tech heavy business?

tylerfulltilt — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:33:18 -0800

I have an idea for a tech heavy business that I know is guaranteed to completely put blockbuster/netflix/any other dvd rental place you can think of. But I have no clue how to start a business. so where do I begin? My idea is really tech heavy. I have no experience with venture capital firms or anything like that.

basically, all I have is a great idea and no clue what to do with it.

what should I do?