Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with housemate

Housemate doesn't clean up after himself. Help.

dunkadunc — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:58:24 -0800

My housemate doesn't clean up, like ever. How can I do to make things work, or at least more bearable? I've been sharing an apartment since the beginning of September with an old acquaintance, and everything's been going well enough. EXCEPT:
My housemate doesn't help out with the cleaning. Every day I come home to even more mess, and it's starting to really bug me.

Some background here: My housemate and I are both 23, male, and college seniors. We went to high school together but lost touch after graduation. I was looking for a housemate for an apartment I found this August, and a mutual friend said Housemate (whose mom died last year) was looking for a place as well. We signed a lease, moved in and started school, so far so good.
The first hint I got that Housemate wasn't very good at cleaning was about a week in when he asked me what "rinsing" dishes meant. Since then, he's remained pleasant, but the amount of housework he's done has gone from little to almost none.

The main problems:
-His dishes stay dirty in the sink either until I wash them or there are no more clean ones, whereupon he washes a dirty one, uses it, and puts it back in the sink. The same thing goes for pots and pans. I can count the number of times he's washed all the dishes in the sink on one hand, and even then they've come out covered in brown curry grease and needed to be washed again.

-When asked to wash his dirty pots and pans that were filling up the sink, Housemate was surprised that I would want them to be cleaned even if I wasn't immediately going to use them. Housemate said that he would wash them before he needed them again "only as a favor". He cooks about four gallons of curry every two weeks.

-Although he was willing to split the cost of a $50 vacuum cleaner, the only time he's picked up a broom was when he broke a glass. He's been leaving brown greasy globs of curry on all the kitchen surfaces and covers the floor in oil when he cooks. All these problems with cleaning up have carried over to the bathroom as well.

Apart from all this, he's been a decent housemate, asking if I want to watch cartoons or split a pizza or whatnot, or coming out to parties with me.
I've talked to him about washing dishes and cleaning up around the apartment, and he's always said "sure"- the problem is it doesn't end up happening. He tends to drink beers and watch cartoons when he's done with schoolwork and doesn't have anything to do, so it seems like a combination of procrastination and just not knowing how to run a household: his mom used to do all the housekeeping.

What can I do to encourage him to do his share of housework, or failing that, what can I do to minimize the amount of mess I have to deal with? Ideally, we would clean up after ourselves, and if someone else missed something then the other would clean it, no problem.
I don't want to be that passive-aggressive guy, but something's got to change, since I'd like to be able to have guests over without feeling embarrassed. I'd be tempted to only clean up after myself, but I'm afraid the apartment would be taken over by maggots.

Three's Company?

shesbookish — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:05:12 -0800

A single friend approached my husband and I about possibly moving in with him. Has anyone out there lived in this situation and do you have any advice for me? So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage. He is by far the neatest and most mature of our friends. We know if we move in with him it will be very clear who is responsible for which chores, how clean the house will be kept, etc.

We're currently living in an apartment building with noisy college kids. They pull the fire alarm, leave trash in stairwells, etc. It's really exciting to think about living in a neighborhood without those hassles. In addition, we'd be able to save quite a bit of money by splitting the mortgage with our friend instead of paying the rent to stay in our apartment. That said, I think that living as a married couple with a roommate will necessitate some changes. My question for those of you who have lived in this situation, how has living in this kind of situation affected your marriage? Would you recommend living in this kind of situation? Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

Help -- I've fallen for my housemate!

Anonymous — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:33:51 -0800

OMG-does-he-like-me-filter: help, I've fallen for my housemate! I have two requests for you, MeFites: 1) Please read my [long] story and tell me if I'm totally kidding myself about this situation; and/or 2) Tell me your own story about the time you fell for your roommate, housemate, or close friend. Disclaimers and apologies:
• All this dancing around and should-I-shouldn't-I is annoying and embarrassing and makes me feel like I'm 13.
• I realize this post is very long.
• Apologies for posting anonymously, but my username would give me away immediately if the person in question were to read this.

So, here’s my story. I’ve slept with a friend of mine, several times now. I'm 27, he's 25. We live in the same house but separate apartments (he has roommates, I do not). We spend all of our free time together. If we weren’t sleeping together I’d say we’re very close friends, but obviously you include sex in the situation and you’re not really friends anymore.

I like this guy a lot, and if he feels the same way I would like to attempt a relationship with him, despite the obvious hurdles there would be considering that we live in the same house. The trouble is that I’m having a really hard time gauging his interest. Maybe I’m just kidding myself, but I think he does have feelings for me, on some level. I worry that I'm being too cautious and self-censoring, and it comes across like I don't have feelings for him, so he's doing the same thing. Clearly I need to talk to him, and I will. But before I do, I’m interested to see what the hive mind thinks. Allow me to elaborate on the situation a bit...

When we first hooked up, I was thrilled because I really liked him. I would go upstairs and hang out with him in his apartment, uninvited, and basically follow him around like a pathetic puppy dog, which is pretty typical of me. Very soon – like after a week – he started to back off. I called him on it, and he said he liked me but he didn’t think he wanted a relationship with me. He said he needs space in a relationship, and when he doesn’t get it he starts treating his girlfriend badly, and he didn’t want to do that with me. I was very sad but I respected his position and backed off.

Eventually, things seemed to have settled and we started hanging out again. Of course we slept together again. It’s happened maybe a dozen times over the last five months, maybe more, I’ve lost count. It always takes the same pattern, over 2-4 weeks:

Flirt > flirt heavily > flirt even more heavily > spend every waking second together > sleep together (usually sober, fwiw) > spend the night in his arms > hang out the next day, pretend nothing happened, and start all over again.

Believe me, I realize how dysfunctional this is.

Every time we do sleep together, an ever-smaller part of me holds out hope that maybe this time something will actually come of it. But, because he rejected me before, I try to back off and wait for him to seek me out, and take my cues from how he acts. I always assume that he wants to avoid me, but there he is the next day, standing at my door. He’ll come downstairs and spend the whole evening with me, always of his own volition, but he’s hard to read. He’ll stand in my kitchen while I do dishes and cook dinner, and he plays with my dog, and he talks to me and tells me about his day, and when he runs out of things to say he stands around like he doesn’t want to leave; but when we move to the couch to watch TV we sit at opposite ends. There’s no physical contact at all. At the end of the night he says goodnight and goes back upstairs. This has happened so many times now that I’m kind of numb to it so it doesn’t upset me anymore, but it does make me sad.

What I can’t figure out is, does he spend all this time with me because his feelings have changed vis-à-vis the whole relationship thing, but he thinks I’m not interested because I’m not making a move? Or is he just being clueless? I mean, seriously, we spend ALL of our time together, and he seems to be doing it willingly. We are essentially a couple who sleeps together sporadically. (Christ this is so dysfunctional.) So why doesn’t he need his space now? Is it a control thing – like if I were initiating it he’d pull back, but since he initiates it he’s ok with it? If so, that’s seriously annoying.

I’ve never had many male friends, so I don’t have a good frame of reference and I may be way off base here, BUT: I feel like if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, he would avoid me like the plague after he slept with me, to avoid giving me the wrong idea. I’ve even heard him give that advice to others when his roommates and I are talking about girls and relationships and sex and all that. I know him to be a conscientious and observant person, particularly for a guy, so I’m inclined to think he’s not just being clueless. Am I totally kidding myself here? Am I reading way too much into this?

Or, perhaps he does have feelings for me but he’s conflicted due to his “space” issue. Is it worth trying to convince him that I get it, and I think we could still make it work? Usually I would say that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to want a relationship with you, but maybe this situation is the one exception to that rule. (I’m sure you guys are going to rip me apart for thinking that there are ever exceptions to the relationship commandments, several of which I know I’m trying to break here.)

Or, on the off-chance that The Hive thinks he actually might feel the same way I do... I think I’m being pretty obvious about the fact that I have real feelings for him, but that may not be the case, especially since I’m so afraid of scaring him off. Should I be more forward? Should I cuddle up with him the next time we watch TV together? Even if it’s been almost a week since we last touched each other – or would that be too out-of-the-blue?

I’m terrified of the devastating embarrassment I’d feel if I tried a move like that, and he recoiled and told me I’ve got the wrong idea, or he just froze and acted really uncomfortable. But I also know that I can’t keep on with things as they are. So either I try something like that, or I be more blunt and tell him how I feel and ask him to do the same, or I just drop the whole idea and start avoiding him as much as possible so I can get over him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I think there’s a possibility something could happen.

MeFi, I want to hear your stories about the time you fell for your housemate or roommate or best friend, and what you did about it, and how it ended up. You can give me advice if you like, or just talk. If you think I'm being an idiot, tell me. If you think there's a chance here, tell me. Do your worst! Throwaway email: onlyindreams1234@gmail.com

is my potential housemate a drug dealer?

I like to eat meat — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:18:36 -0800

how can i determine if a potential housemate is a drug dealer? My friends and I found a potential roommate on Craigslist who seems really cool, but we we're worried that he may be a drug dealer - he claims to have "saved up a bunch of money" before coming here from some sort of freelance computer repair job, but I'm skeptical that anyone can make that much doing that, and he also works at a drug advocacy group of some kind. Not damning, but definitely enough to give me pause. I'm not morally opposed to drugs or anything, just worried about something crazy happening at the house.

Anyone have any good ideas on warning signs, or experience about whether his explanation for having all this money is plausible, or anything that we can ask him for as evidence one way or the other?

Would it be weird to just directly ask him? We really want to get this house and the pickings for housemates looks a bit slim, so I'm just seeing what the internets think (and also because I'm a little curious)

I know this is kind of a ridiculous question, so hilarious snark appreciated as well.

Looking for advice on 'conditioning' cats and my house mate

weakcore — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:20:59 -0800

House mate's cat keeps peeing in my bed; compounded by said house mate's neglectful attitude towards household chores in general. Ideas to keep the cat off my bed (and not just from peeing on it i.e. permanent cat repellent)? and suggestions for addressing the larger issue at hand? (sorry in advance: I did not mean to write a freaking novel when I first started this post) .... my house mate decided to bring home two cats (female) a few months ago because they were "too cute" (few week old kittens at the time, now about 4-5 months of age), the decision of which I was aware of ahead of time and not opposed to, mainly because I was under the delusion that he would actually pro-actively assist in caring for the animals (and probably also somewhat under the cute spell).

While he does take them to the vet on time, he is horrible about making sure the litter box is clean daily (I currently take the trash out and run the dishes and sweep and vacuum already, and he had originally volunteered to tend the litter box daily when he first brought up the idea of cats), bad about paying bills on time (frequently needs me to remind him), poor fiscal awareness in general, not so good at helping to run the dishwasher and to empty it when necessary, and bad about keeping his mail and clothes from spreading into the communal living room space (leaves laundry undone until no more clean clothes, which I normally wouldn't care about were it not for his habit of shedding and leaving his outer layers of clothes on the couch). It has almost gotten to the point where I'm the only one cleaning the litter box. If I don't, I get cat pee on my bed.

I have learned how to treat the bedsheets/mattress (thanks in part to this and this and this) to make it less appealing in the future, but is there anything I can add to my sheets to make them totally repulsive to the cat (like bitter apple for cords, only for setting off limit areas), so she won't feel inclined to jump on the bed (or counters for that matter) at all? Spray bottles have only taught cat to be more ninja in her undesirable behavior. Some sort of citrus oil to my laundry load? Furthermore, that really won't keep the cat from finding other 'backup' litter areas when the litter box gets too dirty to use.

We had known each other prior to moving in and held each other in relatively high regard. He has fallen in my eyes a bit due to his blatantly inconsiderate behavior, but I would still like to preserve the relationship if possible (i.e. moving out as a statement of objection a last resort since current living arrangement is financially beneficial for me).

My passive aggressive side would like to find a way to lure the cat into using my house mate's bed instead of mine (i.e. somehow capture its urine and sprinkle on bed lightly coupled with a little positive re-enforcing? *evil smirk*) to give house mate more incentive to change his ways, but . He is probably aware of my dissatisfaction of his behavior, but lacks the motivation or willpower to change. He has a history of avoiding things he regards as unpleasant (like cleaning out moldy leftovers, which imho is kind of prissy) and/or situations (thus the counter strike and warcraft instead of doing chores or processing bills).

He is ok about cleaning the litter box or taking out the trash when I explicitly ask him to, but I'd hate to just turn into another parental figure, always nagging him to do crap he doesn't want to do (i suspect he was a single child who was babied a lot, while i, on the other hand had overbearing dictatorial immigrant parents). I have considered perhaps setting aside a day each month for us both to tidy up the place together, which may indirectly impose 'social' pressure for him to start helping out more and perhaps make me less of a parental figure than just telling him to clean the litter box everyday, and help him build a habit of just cleaning up after himself (or end up blowing up in my face), but am uncertain about how to broach the subject/idea.

Please help me gain some perspective on the situation (and things to keep in mind when considering my options. I'm over-analyzing, aren't I?). I don't think I ever really learned proper communication skills when it comes to verbalizing/articulating my personal thoughts and feelings and so I tend to be either a totally bluntly candid person which tends to put off some people who are not prepared for such levels of honesty, or passive aggressive, with little or no middle ground in between.

Freeloader or soft partner?

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 07:32:01 -0800

Should I put up, shut up, or get over the fact that my partner continues to feed our roommate who never cooks for us? My partner and I have had roommates for the last few years. We have often had university exchange students, partly because we enjoy having different people to stay and partly because then you know they're leaving after five or six months. We have always worked on the understanding we may share the occasional meal but we don't want to share food, that everyone should roughly take turns at buying common household things like toilet paper. We split the rent and bills three ways (it is a three bedroom house).

Our latest roommate is another exchange student (from Northern Europe). In the roommate's first few weeks in the house, I felt that I made an effort - cooking a welcome dinner on the first night, offering drinks and a few other meals. Nearly three months later, I never feel like offering anything, as the roommate has not ever cooked, offered to cook, nor cleaned up after we have cooked and shared a meal. The roommate did cook one meal (for their friends) and shared it with my partner while I was away on business. My partner continues to regularly (1-2 times a week) offer the roommate dinner, and I resent this.

In general, I buy more of our groceries than my partner. While not poor, we are trying to save money, and I see that third portion as being the lunch I could have taken to work the next day.

I feel like I am being made out to be the 'bad guy' when I complain to my partner when they offer dinner to the roommate. However, I feel like I pull more than my fair share in both monetary and effort terms around the house, and shouldn't have to subsidize someone else in either.

I feel like the roommate is taking advantage of us (as I write, the roommate just got up and took their bowl out to the dishwasher, but didn't pick up our dishes right next to it, after my partner cooked dinner). I think the roommate has an attitude that they can get away with not doing things as a result of their nationality - the roommate said, in relation to their work placement, that if it involved doing things they didn't know how to do or didn't want to do, they would 'play the their nationality card'.

I think the roommate will leave in January when they are due to return home.

Should I just put up with this? Is the roommate's interpretation of 'sharing the occasional meal' reasonable? Is there a good way to explain to my partner that I feel that if it isn't reciprocated after three months that it is freeloading?

Neil Simon's - The Odd Trio

SansPoint — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 20:05:32 -0800

My housemate's are terrible slobs, to the point where I'm about to snap. What can I do? Okay, I'm no Felix Unger, but my housemates would make Oscar Madison retch.

Neither of them seem to be capable of throwing things out, they leave dishes (99.8% of which belong to me) piled in the sink with food drying on them. One leaves bits of food all over the surface and floor when he eats. The floor of the ground floor is covered in bags of stuff from when one moved in in June. It's March now. The other's room exudes a smell of rot, body odor, and unknown things.

I've tried polite asks, angry rages, promises of rewards, threats of punishment... I'm about to take all the fucking dishes out of the cabinets and lock them in my room if they don't start cleaning them. The behavior does not change.

We move out in May. I'm worried we're not going to get our security deposit back. I'm thinking that the persistant cough that one has is a result of his appallaing living conditions in his room. What the hell can I do?

No, moving out is not an option. Don't even suggest it.

Trying to fix a broken home...mate.

mdonley — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 02:15:42 -0800

What little treats should I get today after work to take home to my shaken-up-after-a-car-accident housemate? And what can I do to make his life a little easier/nicer in the days/weeks to come? He's in some pain and has taken today off. I'm already thinking about Tiger Balm for sore muscles and a big bar of chocolate. He doesn't drink and is in his mid-20s.

Finally, this is in Latvia, so while I'd love to bring home a bunch of carne asada tacos, that's not really possible.

What to look for in a house share situation

needs more cowbell — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 10:22:53 -0800

Young (24) single female looking to sublet a room or share a house with strangers in a large US city. What things should I look for/insist on to maximize my chances of having a pleasant, safe, experience? (I've left the city unnamed because I don't know yet; right now I'm considering the Bay area but I may end up going someplace totally different.)

I've seen lots of nightmare roommate/housemate/rental situations on AskMe. I'm hoping to avoid falling into one of those situations. I'm not entirely naive (if anything, I'm overcautious and slightly terrified about the idea in general) but I'm sure there are things I wouldn't think of on my own. [Example: Previously, I rented a room in a house and the landlord--older man who did not live there--came over to watch TV and drink beer in the living room. I didn't expect that, but the signs were probably there, since he lived next door and still had much of his own furniture/stuff in the house's common areas when I signed the lease. Since the rooms were rented out individually by the landlord, there was nothing in the lease to prevent him from hanging out in the common areas like that. Now I know to be careful about that, but I'd like to avoid having to learn about everything like that by direct experience.]

Ideally I'd like to live in a housemate situation where people talk to each other and hang out in common areas rather than renting a room and not assimilating into the group. At minimum it's important to me that roommates don't steal my stuff, don't do hard drugs or have really unsavory guests, and don't flake out on their bills regularly.

What things are red flags? What things should I make sure to have (like lease specs) or ask about? I realize there are no guarantees in this sort of situation, but I'm sure there are rules of thumb. I'm worried that being too uptight and distrustful will make it hard to get along with roommates, but I also don't want to be overly trusting and then get really, really screwed. I'm open to any sort of advice about this.

We've Been Revealed

SansPoint — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:47:09 -0800

Is my college being negligent about the safety of my housemate and myself? Recently, I filed a report with university police about my housemate who has made violent threats on another housemate and me. The school is holding a disciplinary hearing on Thursday about him, and has called the other housemate and I to testify. They notified the housemate who made the threats as well, informing him that we would be testifying against him.

Because of this, when I came home, I spent much of the night with my bedroom door barricaded, in fear for my own safety, and stayed awake much of the night. He did not come home until six AM, though I was worried (with cause) as to what he would do. Has the school endangered my housemate and myself by revealing our identities?

Help me not kill my housemates

pontouf — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 14:11:52 -0800

Roommate filter: I live in a house with 6 other people. We all moved in together in the middle of May. Two part question: What ideas can you offer for enforcing house rules? and What software can you recommend for housemates to share chores and expenses? My housemates have wildly different schedules - one works the night shift, one usually only sleeps at the house once or twice a week, another is gone for a couple weeks at a time and the rest of us that have semi normal schedules aren't often home at the same time. I need ideas to enforce house rules (chores, quiet hours, paying of bills) and any free software that might be helpful in organizing all this (I'm poor, really).

Two Against One. Can We Drop Someone From Our Lease?

SansPoint — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:02:29 -0800

How do I/how hard is it to take someone off a lease? Okay, About two months ago, I moved into a 3 bedroom house with two friends I go to college with. All three of us signed the lease, and it was cosigned by my father, who put up the third required month's rent towards the security deposit.

One housemate, J, has been nothing but a pain with regards to financial issues. We had to cover his first month's rent, a pro-rated payment coming to slightly over half a regular month's rent, as he had no money left. Admittedly, he had been having trouble finding a job, though was employed at the time. He did not receive his first check until after the rent was due, but he did not offer anything he had. We threatened to take him to small claims court unless he paid us back^1..

When J paid me, and the housemate back for this payment, he did it exceedingly grudgingly, and said he would take out a loan to cover his remaining share. We agreed under the condition that he not throw fits over paying bills.

When I informed him of cable and gas bills that arrived two weeks ago, he said he did not get paid until that coming Sunday. I informed him the bills were not due for two weeks. He still complained about being TOLD of the bills existence. Similarly, when the second month's rent was due, he threw a fit when I asked him for a check, as the loan had not come in yet.

Ultimately, I had to embarrass him in front of a friend he had brought over on Saturday to get his $15 share of that cable bill, and get the $45 he owed me for the first cable bill, and a SEPTA Transpass I bought him to get to his summer class^2.. This, he had owed me, for nearly six weeks, even before the first month's rent was due.

He is leaving for California today, coming back August 1st, the day rent is due. I asked him to leave a post-dated check, and he exploded, calling his mother to get her to help him convince me to let him slide until his return, so he could pay all his remaining rent in one lump sum, as the loan he took out was delayed. He, essentially, accused me of extortion, even though this would be a post-dated check made out to the property managment company, not to me. Also, he left a threatening note to the other housemate, R, and I, causing R to fear for his life. Rather than live in a Demilitarized Zone, I told him that we're taking him off the lease ASAP.

So, first, do I have a case here? Secondly, I have contacted the property management people we are dealing with, and left a message explaining my situation: what can I expect to happen when I talk to them? Third, will I be able to take his person off the lease?

^1. We only did this because of his cavalier attitude. It felt like he wouldn't pay us back.

^2. A class he routinely showed up an hour late to—and failed, and then blamed me for it, saying he should never had taken the class by my suggestion.

How to tell someone stop using so much TP?

Anonymous — Sat, 19 May 2007 14:19:34 -0800

How to ask a roommate to use less TP without getting too personal? Our new roommate, a friend of a friend of a friend, uses a lot of toliet paper. We used to change the roll once every few weeks. Now there are new rolls being used every few days! She buys the cheapest stuff and we like to use the medium range. How can we bring it up to her without seeming like we are questioning her hygene?

I might act crazy but I don't smoke crack.

Kiwi — Sun, 13 May 2007 07:27:33 -0800

Is my flatmate really on crack? He's generally a decent guy, in employment and pretty chilled out. However, once in a while he and some quite dodgy friends go on a bender lasting all night, which on occasion lasts till about 10 in the morning. This made me think speed, but he apparently admitted to being a crack ‘addict’ to one of the other guys (who moved out a while back).

Now, is it possible to be a recreational user of crack w/out being an ‘addict’? What are the signs? He does spend an inordinate amount of time at the pub, which according to ex-flatmate is where much of the buying and selling gets done. This is in London, btw.

Loves me, wants him. (Friends with too many benefits)

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:07:53 -0800

How do you move past loving someone who is no longer in love with you? (assuming time and space apart are difficult?) or deal with you love for them until they're ready for you? As briefly as possible: I dated my housemate, and then a while later broke up with her due to a difficult period in my life, we still lived together and quickly became very close friends, but then moved into a 'very close friends with dating benefits'.

A year later we're still living together having moved house to a new place, and living as though we were in a committed relationship (opps, I forgot we'd broken up). She has gotten a new man in her life, however she still sleeps (sex)/sleeps (just that)/showers/shares/everything with me as though nothing was different. Because he is out of town it hadn't bothered me as I was sure when we were ready it would just happen again.

She's now told me that she still has feelings for me and loves me (as a 'very close' friend) but really likes this new guy (apparently the things we do together are just what very close friends do), and perhaps in the future we could try again.
I've now realised this is (possibly) just emotional manipulation from her to keep me around as her comfort person, since we share so much of our possessions and emotional support. The new guy lives across the country and they see each other on and off every few months, so she's not getting it from him. Given he is moving to our city in a few weeks to stay for a while I realise I cant stay in this 'relationship'.

How do I move on from this whilst still retaining respect for her, and for myself? Moving out of the house is difficult for numerous reasons, and I realise it's the best method but want some alternative advice for now.

What kind of conversations should I be having with her to find out her true feelings on this? (She avoids emotionally direct conversations as it makes her insecure, and I come off as dominating and too full on when I do try and express my feelings and intentions, and I also mince what I was going to say). Rationale for this question: I ask her how she feels about me and she says "I care about you deeply, and I still have feelings for you but I like Other_Guy", then later something completely the opposite will come out about how much she likes me. It seems everytime I ask her a question I leave escape clauses where she can say "but I want you to stay with me forever" etc etc.

Is she dragging this out hoping I wont pack my bags and leave?

Is hanging around for someone you truely love worth it? Or is the emotional destruction and torment going to leave me as damaged goods when (if ever) she says she does want me?

Anecdotal advice or experiences are appreciated. Hope this isn't too open ended and chatfilter.

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:51:10 -0800

RelationshipFilter (sorry!): I've become entangled in a complex 'relationship', and I'm not sure what to do... Long story:

In September 2004, I arrive at university. A few days later I meet a very attractive girl who lives in my halls of residence. Over the next week or two we become very good friends and end up spending a lot of time together, watching TV, films, chatting about other friends of ours etc. I very quickly realised I had "feelings" for this girl, oh dear. Then one night I was probably being a bit too obvious and surprisingly she said "Just go ahead and kiss me." Frankly, I hadn't expected that, I considered her well out of my league and was happy at the time to just be a good mate of hers.

So, we fool around for a few nights, but don't tell any of our mutual friends... a few nights turns into a few weeks... still not telling friends. I slept in her room many times (if it's relevant, without sex), creeping out early in the morning to avoid my other friends. I begin to get attached, uh oh. Just before the first holiday she tells me she doesn't want a relationship and we should stop doing things. I feel kinda crushed. I tell her this and end up sleeping there again...

Holiday comes and she phones me all the time, texts and tells me how she misses me and we have long conversations about 'us' on the internet.

Rinse and repeat for 2 more terms.

2nd year of university, we get closer. I still sleep with her, none of my friends know (except one), including my housemates because of our ridiculous "secrecy" thing. We've become closer, she's said she loves me, we've both shared very important things with each other and to all intents and purposes we are a couple.

Yet.

The problem is, and I've told her often enough, that I'm fed up with the secrecy. I want to be able to walk around holding her hand, or kiss her in public (shock horror). Things she'll happily do when away from our friends and people who know us!

She states that she doesn't want a boyfriend and the "baggage" that goes with it. She wants people to see her as single and not part of a couple. Yet she still wants me to sleep in her bed and be there for her.

I'm being taken for a ride, right? I should probably get out of this situation, but again, problem. I don't want to. She's one of the best things in my life, I love her to bits, and yet there's this issue sitting there driving me mad.

Opinions? Constructive suggestions about talking to her might be useful.

Thanks. (oh, and for the record, we're both around 21)