Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with honesty

Is honesty the best policy?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:39:34 -0800

How should I handle a broken window at my apartment? Last night, I was standing out on my balcony with some guests when a june bug flew into my face. I was startled, and jumped a bit. Unfortunately, I was standing next to my window and my sudden movement shattered the glass.

My guests suggested telling my landlords that I didn't break the window, but came home to find it in such a state due to someone throwing a stone or a large stick at it in my absence. I wanted to run this situation by the hivemind before proceeding.

Obviously, I'd like to get this taken care of without losing my deposit or damaging my rental history. I live in Washington state, if that makes a difference. Should I tell the truth when reporting this damage, or go with the recommendation of my guests? Would either scenario make that much of a difference? The true cause of the damage is accidental, but I'm worried that won't matter. I'm in good standing with my landlords, love my apartment and have no intentions of moving out anytime soon.

What should I do?

How can I learn to be more certain about what choices I should make in my life?

dengxp — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:35:17 -0800

I'm 27 years old now and haven't started a serious career yet, but I have graduated with an engineering degree. I decided I wasn't interested in engineering after some work experiences in the past and so I've tried to move into other fields. By now, I've dabbled in 3-4 other areas, but still can't make a decision. I'm afraid that this switching around is going to continue my whole life and waste my precious time. I often have this feeling that I have trouble making choices that are really my own. I tend to overdo things and try too hard at the wrong times. In some university courses I took, I disregarded homework problems until the last minute because I wanted to "understand" the material--i.e., I cared about the details too much. When I socialize, I think too much and end up saying little, and so in the end people don't know me. There are other things that fit this pattern too--like waiting for perfect opportunities, when maybe they don't exist or an imperfect opportunity would have made me happy anyway. Over the years, I've had a couple of very short relationships, but it's been a while now.

I went through years of "soul searching" and at some points forgot who I am. At this point, I'm only focusing on making a career choice, but despite all my efforts I'm not any closer to choosing something I want to commit to.

Overall, I feel that I'm always overextending myself in details and being dishonest with myself and in front of other people. I'm hoping this knowledge will guide me in making my choices.

Even in typing this question, I may have included too many details at the expense of clarity.

What do you all think?

I can handle the truth.

By The Grace of God — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:16:50 -0800

How can I deal with the dishonesty of the world? I find myself lying to protect myself and often find people lying to me. For example, not telling a line manager of problems at my job because the director would just lash out at me. And an example of lies being told to me - people saying they are busy when they don't want to see me.

This situation is a major cause of my depression and anxiety. I hate living in a world where people are dishonest to each other - under the guise of manners or whatever - and I think that this dishonesty just increases the world's alienation.

I think this especially bothers me because I feel like I am acting all day - hiding my anxiety symptoms in order to function. Unfortunately my husband seems to want me to hide my symptoms too. Is there a way I can create a space for honesty in my life?

And all the people in my life seem to think I am doing so well. Sigh.

When I unburden the honest truth onto my therapist I just feel worse walking out of there because I know I am going back into a world full of lies.

Another thing making it worse is I seem to have absorbed my husbands bad habit of not sharing anything with friends. I've basically stopped making what I consider real friends - I just have social partners now.

Do people really have real friends who they are honest with anymore?

What's the point of anonymity?

mpls2 — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 15:39:40 -0800

Can extreme honesty improve the quality of a person's life? For most of my life, I've been the kind of person who thinks very hard (almost strategically) about what to say about myself and others, for fear that I might say the "wrong" thing. I'm basically pretty choosy about how I express myself.

But the thinking and reading and observing that I've done makes me wonder if this self-censorship isn't doing a lot more harm than good. There's something tiring and ultimately stressful about crafting a persona for the world to see, and there's something really appealing about the idea of letting go completely—like, how much simpler life would be (although there are definitely times when lying is the best thing to do, I realize).

I'm interested in hearing your experiences with and thoughts about living an unfiltered life. Where are the limits as you see them? Is there a particular way to go about it? Has it ever cost you something dear?

Thanks!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

hadjiboy — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 02:44:09 -0800

How do you critique a friend's work, without hurting his feelings? A friend of mine showed me two of his films and asked me to give him my honest opinion. This person and I are very close, and I have no problems telling him what's going through my mind, so when he asked me to do this for him, I said sure. I told myself that I wasn't going to tell him anything if it didn't live up to my expectations (he's a very talented and gifted writer, which makes it even harder for me to not hold him up to a much higher standard), so when I saw his first movie, I was really happy that he'd done such a good job, at least in my estimation, and I let him know about it in no uncertain terms. The only problem is, I think I did the same thing with the second one, only the other way around. I didn't like it as much as the first one, and even though I knew better, I told him what I thought he could've done differently with the movie (although not in any way that might've hurt his feelings, again, in my opinion).

He was appreciative of the honesty, and I was careful not to have crossed the line too much, but I do feel like I may have done something that I shouldn't have. (He's not someone who's influenced by what other people think of him, he's very hard-headed, but he did trust me enough to ask me my opinion of what I thought of his work, and now I feel like I may have betrayed him.) Did I betray him? Was it right of me to tell him what I thought?

How do you tell a friend the truth and still be a good friend?

Help me identify a book about honesty.

spacewaitress — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 09:42:03 -0800

Help me identify a book about honesty I skimmed a book a couple years ago about honesty that I'm keen to locate again. I can't remember the title, but I believe it would be similar in content with Sissela Bok's Lying or Brad Blanton's Radical Honesty. It was about telling the truth in various contexts.

Of particular interest was a chapter on using honesty with oneself as a way of dealing with the torrent of media most of us are confronted with in our day-to-day lives. I think it discussed ways to winnow through books, music, etc. to find what's really meaningful to you and not waste time on things that aren't.

I had to return the book to the libarary before I got a chance to finish reading it. I would very much like to find again. I believe it was written by a woman, but there's a 50% chance I'm wrong.

Being believed, Believing others

Capri — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 08:46:48 -0800

Have you ever successfully explained yourself to someone who was angry at you, didn't trust you, and never particularly trusted you? Have you ever been persuaded by someone who you didn't particularly like or trust when you were angry at them? I don't want to get into the particulars, but instead get to some core truths here if we can.

Is it possible for someone who doesn't trust you to believe you, and maybe even understand you? Can your explanation ever be good enough? Is it better to leave the person with a misunderstanding, or attempt to find a way to get through to him or her?

Maybe I should ask this another way: Is it possible to believe and understand someone who you've never particularly liked or trusted? Can his or her explanation ever be good enough, or will your history make any explanation fodder for an argument?

Does the complexity of the explanation make a difference either way here? Does evidence tending to prove the explanation help, or does it look like pandering? (Assume here that the evidence is not dispositive proof, because positive proof is simply not possible, e.g. when explaining your feelings, rather than where you were at 2 p.m. on Saturday.)

If you are willing to share, can you tell me stories about when this did and did not work for you, either as explainer or as mistruster?

Can I borrow your United confirmation number?

pmbuko — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 10:53:28 -0800

Can I borrow your United confirmation number and last name for your flight departing within 24 hours? I am modifying a boarding pass kiosk for our conference facility that allows attendees to print boarding passes before departing for the airport. basically, it's a web kiosk with links to the online check-in pages or airlines flying out of our local airport. United passengers have trouble printing their boarding passes because the obvious method of printing the passes (the big print icon) doesn't work with our setup. Attendees must instead click a non-obvious link to display the boarding pass in a separate window before printing.

I'm writing up an instruction page for United passengers that will appear before they are taken to the United online check-in page, but in order to do it well, I need run through all the necessary steps myself and take detailed notes/screenshots/etc. Nobody I know is booked for travel on United in the next 24 hours (the window the online check-in page requires), so I thought I'd ask here. I realize this is a huge long shot due to privacy concerns, but it never hurts to ask.

If you can trust me with your info, please send it to the email in my profile.

Ten years, now what?

hermitosis — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 08:55:40 -0800

What is a successful weirdo's best approach to a High School Reunion Questionnaire? My ten year reunion is in October. A work obligation will probably keep me from attending. I received the questionnaire, though, and as this may be the only contact I wind up having with my graduating class, I'd like to make a genuine effort. My questions:

1. Does anyone actually read these things?

2. Is "honesty" appreciated? I don't mean honesty about one's job and current life, a la Romy and Michele. I mean emotional honesty, when it comes to answering questions like, "Do you have a 'most embarrassing' moment from high school that you'd like to share?" and, "What have you been up to since graduation? Don't be shy. Tell us about any special experiences." And don't even get me started on, "Do you have a message you'd like to share with your fellow classmates?"

As a writer and storyteller, it is hard to fight the instinct to really knock it out of the park with these answers. While I'm not interested in telling off everyone who made my life miserable (that's what god invented MySpace for), I feel that there are things I could say now that would certainly clear the air regarding rumors and prejudices about me, both then and now.

This is a small graduating class in a small high school in a small town. They did not mean to produce the mighty pillar of flame you see before you today, in fact did what they could to stamp it out. Is it worth the effort to use a few well chosen words to illuminate the fact that I have found my place in the world despite all that and am not bitter? No really, I'm not.

I'm a pansexual philosopher-type living in pinko homo New York City. Even the most minimal candor on the most basic questions (such as "significant other") presents a challenge. If I'm going to be open at all, mightn't I just as well crack the sucker wide open, especially since I'm not planning on being there to follow up? Or is it just going to upset applecarts long since left by the roadside?

(If I do end up going, we should totally make a meetup out of it.)

Honesty damaging kids?

catherinem — Wed, 30 May 2007 16:19:20 -0800

Am I depriving my three-year-old of her childhood by being too open to her? I am asking you about something that comes so naturally to me that I've never thought about it until recently. Both me and my boyfriend are extremely open to our three-your-old daughter when it comes to 'difficult' issues - grief, possible imminent separation, other potential changes in our lives.

Child: (has heard something) Where are we moving to?
Mum: We'll move out of this flat soon, but we still have to find a new place. When we have found one we will move there.

Or:
Child: Why is mommy crying?
Dad: She is not happy living with me right now. She might want to live apart from me.
Child: (seemingly unbothered, answers straight back) Then I'll just live with her.

Please get me right - this is not our daily scenario but how we speak about problems when they arise. There is no excessive crying or even violence or any other crap going on, just a lot of problems to be solved and decisions to be made.

Still, are we acting irresponsibly by letting our daughter know?

My friend says on his resume that he has MY JOB!

soulbarn — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 14:45:46 -0800

Ethics and friendship: I lost touch with a fairly close friend about six or seven years ago; he'd gotten married, had a kid, moved, etc. We recently reconnected and have been hanging out. My girlfriend likes his wife, I like his kids, so all this is good. BUT...also about ten years ago, he and I happened to be competing for a pretty prestigious job at a major corporation - one people have heard of. I got the job, he didn't. There didn't seem to be any hard feelings; I gave him some (lucrative) freelance work, maybe a little out of guilt, but mostly because he was really good. He did great work, and continued to do so on freelance projects until I left the job a couple of years later... ...After my friend and I reconnected, he was telling me about his new consulting business, and it sounded pretty cool. He even showed me his website. So I was looking around his site, and saw his resume - and he claims to have had the job that I actually had, the exact same position, time-frame (there's no gray area here. He says it was his job.)

I'm not mad, just a little weirded out.. So, what do I do? It would be upsetting for me to bust him - he's got a family to support, and I like him, and I'm no longer even in the same industry - but it does color the way I feel about him (though I could probably maintain the friendship and let the resume issue go.) But I do feel like he's being foolish, because the chances are good that he'll get caught by somebody else. Still, I now understand how disappointed he must have been not to get that job, and I don't want to hurt him.

I guess my question has multiple levels: do I remain friends with him, and if yes, how? Do I tell him that I know? Any other comments are welcome.

Til Death Do Us Part..maybe...

CwgrlUp — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 15:25:54 -0800

Why are people today so lacking in morals? I have a good friend at work who I think a lot of. Last week I overheard her (we sit pretty close and she talks fairly loudly so I hear more usually than I want to) talking to her mother about lying to her husband about her whereabouts on a Friday night. Later she told me the story, she is going out with friends her hubby doesn't like and she plans to tell him she's at her mother's.

Since this has happened I hear her on the phone all the time with these girl friends obviously that her husband doesn't like, laughing about how she was 'good' for a while, but now she just feels like being 'bad.'

I feel different towards her. I thought I knew her fairly well. Now I have trouble even meeting eyes with her. I know her husband. He's an alright guy. Am I being too judgmental? Should I just ignore it all? Is this kind of deception (white lies?) truly that common between spouses?

Help me be real

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 08:51:16 -0800

I would like to stop faking orgasms. Help me out? I'm 32 years old and female, and nobody but me has ever been able to bring me to orgasm. I started faking it before I even knew how to have one, and by then I was just used to faking it, I thought that's how sex was done. And I just never stopped.

I have no problem coming on my own, though. It takes about 20 minutes and a very specific body position (legs crossed tightly), but I never have a problem with it alone. It takes me (a lot) longer to masturbate myself to orgasm when there's a man there in the room with me, and I pretty much need to go completely inside myself to get the job done -- if he distracts me by talking too much, touching me too much, I can't get off.

(things I've tried: vibrators, no vibrators, porn, no porn, not masturbating at all for a while, masturbating all the time, just living with it, altering my body position/manner of touch (can't seem to change it one bit), getting drunk, not getting drunk....)

I enjoy sex a lot. A lot a lot. I like all kinds of stuff about it. I just can't come from penetration or his hand or his mouth or anything he does. I can get really really really turned on, but I just can't seem to even get close.

To make matters worse, I'm in a new relationship (3 months) and, in spite of the fact that I really wanted things to be different, I started faking it with him too. I believe that this guy would be willing to work with me to figure something out, but I can't bring myself to tell him that I've essentially been lying to him about this. So do I tell him? Do I just stop faking it? If I do stop faking and don't tell him I was faking, how do I explain that I am suddenly anorgasmic? That seems like a recipe for making him very frustrated.

So what do I do? Do I tell him I've been faking? How do I have an honest sexual relationship with somebody if I can't tell him that I've never come with anybody? If I told him that I've faked it with him, would he freak out completely?

Man, I would love some advice. Thank you.

Should I lie about being an atheist in order to get a job?

anotherpanacea — Mon, 08 May 2006 07:26:06 -0800

Should I lie about being an atheist in order to get a job? Is it okay to lie about your religion for the purpose of getting a job? I suspect it might be, in the same way I suspect that it is acceptable to lie about your sexual orientation when you know you will face discrimination. But I'm wondering if anyone has a good argument against "the religious closet." I'm particularly interested in: a. possible consequences if discovered, and b. strategies for justifying the lie to myself. In other words, will I open myself to a lawsuit of some sort, and am I going to be able to live with my lie?

Too much brutal honesty?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 08:57:51 -0800

How much brutal honesty between friends is too much? Sorry, this is long...

I am seriously struggling with how to deal with a particular person in my life. We've been business partners & friends for the past year. The business is going great and for a time, I thought our friendship was going great as well. The problem seems to be our vastly different personalities. She is an extrovert, outspoken and can be a bull in a china shop at times. She doesn't always think before she talks and she can talk you to death. I'm the direct opposite, basically your textbook introvert and I don't necessary like confrontation, especially without careful consideration.

Anyway without going into too much detail, I've never really had the opportunity to know anyone like her before and for the most part, it's been refreshing and eye-opening, and we click on a lot of levels. She's been able to help me work my way through some of my personal issues through her ability to cut the BS and be honest. Yes, her honesty has stung some times, but I've always stepped back and was able to look at things differently and realize that yes there are some things I can work on and things I can think differently about. I certainly have appreciated that about her.

However lately, her "brutal honesty" is starting to piss me off. Lately, it seems like after any meaningful conversation about work or the stuff going on in our lives, I end up feeling like shit because yet again, somehow, she goes off on a tangent about us having different personalities and how that's frustrating and how my forgetfulness pisses her off or that I'm too passive, too sensitive, etc.

About the forgetfulness, 11 years ago I was diagnosed with ADD and was on medication for only a couple of months because I didn't like the side effects. Since then, I've tried dozens of things in order to try to help with my two biggest problems, focus & a tendency to forget things (specifically task-based things). She knows all this and she knows that my forgetfulness is not intentional and she knows that it is something that I am working on. I try to write things down, but sometimes shit just slips through the cracks and sometimes what she views as forgetfulness is me just ignoring some lower priority stuff in order to focus on higher priority stuff.

Anyway, this past Friday we were in an discussion with one of our employees (my friend’s daughter) in a discussion about another employee (my friends close friend) and this persons lack of effort and the growing conflict between the two employees and wouldn't you know it, next thing I know she basically goes on a rant about me, going on and on about how frustrated she is sometimes, that if we weren't business partners she would have fired me by now, how she has resorted to XYZ in order to deal with me not remembering things, blah blah blah. I guess she was trying to use me as an example of dealing with people shortcomings or something. Needless to say, I was totally blindsided and totally shocked. The discussion didn't even have anything to do with me. I felt so embarrassed and so very hurt.

What's pissing me off is that in a tearful conversation a few weeks ago (after another of her rants) I told her that I was frustrated with her saying shit like that and that I wished she could understand that I was trying to do better and she even acknowledged that yes, she could see the change in me. What I don't understand is why she keeps bringing it up. And most importantly what should I do about it? Since Friday, I've been avoiding her like the plague, for my sanity's sake. I feel like I don't want to be anywhere near her for fear of getting burned yet again. I don't really want to talk to her because I just don't see it going well, especially since I'm not sure she'll hear me, really hear me, plus I know she'll totally out talk me.

I don't know what to do. Am I being a baby about this? I do enjoy running our business together and I enjoy our friendship, but I don’t understand why she does that and I hate feeling like I don’t want to be around her. If I do just need to talk to her, what do I say?

Health Insurance Application Spin?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 19:31:39 -0800

Do I have to represent myself with a flawlessly healthful past to be approved for individual (Blue Cross) health insurance? I'm not talking about fraud here; I'm just wondering what the standards are on truth vs. spin. I don't have any major illnesses or conditions to cover up, but I've always heard that when filling out a health history you're expected, (even by doctors and insurance brokers) to obfuscate a bit, and if you mention a medical issue, it's assumed to be much, much worse and you get blackballed. The form is asking for every detail of every single medical issue I've encountered in the last DECADE. Do I pretend I haven't had "sign or symtoms" of anxiety, acne, dizziness, infections or athlete's foot since 1995? If I say I have a glass of wine with dinner do they assume I'm a drunk? And if I omit anything, will they catch me by checking my doctor's records, specifically on prescriptions? I'd prefer to be completely honest, but if I get turned down I may just move to Canada, or someplace with a sane health system.

Securexam and related tools

socratic — Sun, 24 Apr 2005 20:04:53 -0800

Has anyone here successfully challenged the use of securexam or other computer-locking tools on the grounds that your school's honor code already provides sufficient protection against cheating? I'm graduating in about two weeks, so I really don't care that much, but I'm interested in leaving a parting shot with our administration that mandating the use of Securexam (etc.) actually discourages promotion of the honor code in that it "forces" people not to cheat. I'd like to make a strong policy statement that students, especially law students, should not be presumed to be cheaters and that relying on pre-infraction anti-cheating methods indicates either apathy about cheating or an inability to police actual cheating effectively.

Of course, even Securexam is not particularly secure, and, in my mind, the type of person who is going to cheat is going to find a way around it.

Anyway, I absolutely 100% do not condone cheating, and I believe in a one-strike-and-you're-out policy on cheating. I do 100% support honor codes.

An adjunct question for anyone who does or did attend a school like Washington & Lee that has an extremely strong honor code culture: do your schools use the software?

Question number 14306

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Jan 2005 10:29:36 -0800

I am a really terrible person. I lie to everyone I know, I cheat on people relentlessly, I drink excessively and do things to hurt just about everyone I know. I hate doing these things in retrospect but when it's happening, all I can focus on is how it's benefitting me at the moment.

How do I go from being an asshole who's only concern is his own self interests to being a regular human being who concerns himself with those around him? I'm afraid that if I don't fix this soon, I'm going to lose everyone in my life.

Question number 13413

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:30:51 -0800

If you were cheated on and broken up with, would you want to know that you were cheated on or would ignorance be bliss?

Question number 9762

the fire you left me — Sun, 29 Aug 2004 12:42:06 -0800

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty? For example, telling someone they are fat and need to lose weight?

Question number 7628

MiguelCardoso — Tue, 01 Jun 2004 00:33:50 -0800

I'm compiling a list of good, decent, honest men and women who aren't saintly, moralistic or freakish and do their jobs in a professional, hard-hitting and yet fundamentally human and gregarious way. The best example of the kind of person I'm looking for is Tim Russert. [More inside.]