Don't hold back

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 00:45:32 -0800

How do you learn not to hold back? In several areas of my life, I've found myself holding back despite my best intentions. I really became aware of it when I finally started taking fencing lessons last year, something I'd always wanted to do. I've found that not only am I almost always on the defensive rather than the offensive, but when I actually do attempt an attack I end up pulling back most of the time thinking I won't get through. The points I score are almost always ripostes. I figured that if I went into a bout determined to follow through or attempt an attack even just once, regardless of the outcome, I could start to push past this, but it didn't work. Even consciously thinking about it I can't do it.

The more I thought about it the more I realized this wasn't just a fencing problem. I hold back in conversation, I hold back when I want to try something new, I hold back when I should be asserting myself, I hold back at work, I hold back in relationships, and on and on. I think what I'm most afraid of is failure. I don't want to lose what ground I have, and I don't want to come off looking incompetent or foolish. The end result is that I end up feeling very anxious in one of these situations, and I miss out on opportunities that could have been great if they succeeded. I know most of these things won't matter in 10, 20, 100 years, but in the meantime I feel like I'm keeping myself from fully experiencing life and giving it everything I've got. I've tried to approach some of these things in the same "baby steps" way as my attempts to improve my fencing, but in the heat of the moment I often do the exact same thing I did before.

I have dealt with a couple of major "failures" in my life already (both personal and professional) - things that actually will matter years later, because they changed the course of my entire life. These were very hard for me, but each time I eventually managed to pick myself up and rebuild. I learned a lot from these experiences, and I don't think I'll make the same mistakes again. That said, I still think I failed, and it still bothers me. I know it's ok to fail and that it's even good to fail from time to time (how else are we going to learn anything?), but I haven't managed to internalize it yet.

I want to learn to overcome this. You've all had some great advice for other people, so I thought you might have some tips for me. How have you overcome your fear of failure and/or learned to not hold back? May or may not be relevant: I'm in my late 20's, and I'm already in therapy, diagnosed with major depression, and on medication, and I do discuss this with my therapist. I'm just looking for different perspectives and things that have been useful for other people.

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Don't hold back