Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with heterosexuality

Where's my parade?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 09:31:17 -0800

Help me, if you will, loosen the ferociously tangled knot of my sexual orientation. I know, of course, that none of you are omniscient or psychic, and I'm not looking for an arbitrary assignment or diagnosis. I suppose I'm looking for general advice and feedback, personal anecdotes, and assurance that I'm not entirely abnormal - maybe a sort of sexuality compass.

I've assumed I was bisexual, or something like it, ever since I was a young teenager and fell in love - genuinely in love - with a girl (but never acted on it). Now I'm in my mid-20's and sadly, rather than clearing up like they said it would, my sexuality is even more nebulous to me than it was when I was fourteen.

Points in the GAY column:

I generally only masturbate to fantasies of women. Fantasies of guys are eh.
I really like lesbian porn (even that marketed to straight men). When I was younger, I could get off watching lesbian porn without even touching myself. Seriously! Straight porn, or any porn involving a man (although gay porn is slightly better), is really unappealing to me, even gross.
As mentioned above, I've been in love with, or had intense crushes on, several women. Big fluttering stomach butterflies, makeout/marriage fantasies, secret stratagems, the whole bit. Nothing has ever come of them, due to me being young or shy, or them being straight (although some were gay, and all were at least somewhat stereotypically "gay-acting").
I have a saucer-eyed fascination with lesbian culture. I love lesbian storylines in movies and books - they hit me deep. Reading The Color Purple and Annie on My Mind in high school - after I'd come out as bisexual to myself and a few friends - were very piercing and very lovely experiences for me.
I have, at times, even assumed I was a lesbian. I have a diary entry from when I was sixteen saying that I'd be willing to sleep with a guy I sort of liked, just to get it over with, but that was only because (I wrote) "I think it'll be only girls for me from now on."

So, if that was all you knew, you'd think I was a big old dyke, right? Well, let me tell you a few somethings:

I have been in love with, or had intense crushes on, more guys than girls. Starting from when I was about seven - big fluttering butterflies, makeout/marriage fantasies, secret stratagems...and so forth. When I was in high school, I almost solely liked girls, but otherwise, I've mostly preferred, and mostly fallen for, men.
I have slept with a girl. It was eh. It was such a non-event to me that I hardly even remember it. Kissing her was like kissing my own arm. The way I thought of it afterward was that it was how I imagine a very straight girl would feel about sleeping with another girl. I wasn't in love with her or anything prior - it was an experimentation thing for both of us - but I wasn't not attracted to her or anything beforehand.
I've unequivocally enjoyed being with the handful of guys I've slept with or hooked up with much more than sleeping with the girl - even guys that I wasn't totally wild about beforehand. It just felt right, at a very fundamental level, while being with the girl felt weird and kind of wrong.
Likewise, the idea of meeting and dating girls also seems weird and kind of wrong. Meeting and dating guys isn't actually that appealing either, but for a different reason - not because it feels wrong, but because I hate dating. Dating a girl seems weird because I think of girls, in general, as friends. I'd feel like I was participating in a weird charade if I tried to date one (other than the girls I've had crushes on).
I see myself marrying or settling down with a guy much more easily than with a girl.
I've been to lesbian clubs and went to a few meetings of my college's GLBT association. I have rarely felt like such an imposter. I felt like a straight girl crashing the party.
My good friends, who know most or all of the above, think I'm pretty straight. It's not wishful thinking - they'd be fine with me being gay. Whether or not it matters, I'm incredibly feminine and stereotypically straight-acting.

I am overthinking this, you say. Well, yeah, maybe, but it's been an unsettled part of myself for about ten years now, and any guidance would be nice since I feel like I'm sort of flailing with my own self-assessment. My easiest answer is that old overchewed gumwad "I fall for the person," but that doesn't really help with regards to finding a partner because I don't take much of an active role in it - it's always just happened (although less so lately, I like to think because my heart has turned cold and hard in post-adolescence.). It would also be nice to feel like I'm not totally alone here, since I clearly don't have an obvious subculture waiting with open arms.

I sort of feel like Margaret Cho - am I gay? Am I straight? Except I'm just not particularly slutty.

Advice appreciated! Land ho!

Gay to Straight Woes

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:09:01 -0800

Have any MeFites had experience dating someone of the opposite sex after previously only being attracted to members of the same sex? I have previously identified myself as homosexual. I recently began a relationship with a very close friend of the opposite sex. I love them, but whether it is as a close friend or something more I'm not sure. It is difficult for me to stop thinking about dating members of the same sex. Sometimes I look at my partner and wish they were my gender; I still find myself in the "single person" mode and part of my head is still continually weighing options for someone of the same sex to date. The physical relationship with the current partner is good, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better if they were of the same gender. I wonder if I wouldn't feel more connected to them.

I want to give this relationship a chance; I don't want it to write it off as idle curiousity or a "settling" relationship until I "trade up" if I find someone suitable of the same sex to date. My partner deserves better than that and I refuse to do that to them. I don't know whether the difficulty in turning off the dating radar is normal for people getting off a long period of single-hood or whether it's rooted in my lack of attraction in general to my partner's gender (I still do not find other members of that gender attractive). I'm looking for guidance from others in my situation. How did your relationship start? Did you have trouble adjusting to the idea of yourself dating someone of the opposite sex? Did you have trouble not continually searching for someone of the same sex to date, or did that urge dissipate as the relationship progressed?

Straight to Gay?

schroedinger — Tue, 16 May 2006 07:57:02 -0800

Is it possible to move up and down the continuum of human sexuality? That is, can gays turn straighter or straights turn gayer? And how would you go about doing it? Let me say right out that I do not think homosexuality is evil, unnatural, or any of that garbage (I don't think that about heterosexuality either, for that matter). I'm just wondering how malleable sexuality is--can people change where they are on the Kinsey scale? If you're a 5 can you move to a 2? If you're a 3 can you get to a 4? What would you do--aggressive reprogramming? Dating the chosen sex a lot? These seem like silly, ineffective methods but given how other aspects of human nature can be changed it's hard to believe sexuality isn't one of them.

I've found this study by Robert Spitzer. But it has its own methodological problems. Aside from ridiculous ex-gay propaganda, there doesn't seem to be anything else out there due to the controversial nature of the topic. Has anyone found anything I haven't?

The where, what, and how much of massaging euphemisms

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Oct 2004 12:06:04 -0800

I'm pretty clear what the phrase "massage with release" means, but is it code language for male-on-male action? 2. If so, is there equivalent code language for female masseuse - male client activity? 3. How do you go about locating a masseuse or establishment that offers these services? Finally, how much would a person expect to pay for this?

Gay Rights and Religious Minorities

WolfDaddy — Wed, 18 Feb 2004 17:28:41 -0800

Why do so many leaders and members of non-gay minorities seem to refuse, if not outright stubbornly unwilling, to admit common ground between their own struggles to attain basic rights and what gay people have been and are going through? I've never been able to get an answer that, to my own ears, sounds anything but irrational, but I acknowledge my being a white male can obfuscate my point and overrule any other experience I might be able to relate as a gay person when trying to find common ground. But I don't think that's very fair, and am looking for ways to better argue that idea. Suggestions, please?