Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with help

Be My Techie: Windows Laptop for Amateur Photographer Advice

Draccy — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 18:42:32 -0800

I'm in need of tech advice. I'm a windows user who currently has an HP Pavilion Entertainment PC. It's in BSOD land, and probably only has a few weeks left. I'm somewhat tech-savvy, but am feeling truly lost right now. I don't want to move to apple computers, and ideally want to spend around 1k for something that will last. Snowflakes abound inside: For the past five years, I've had to listen to my current laptop's loud fan, and deal with it's inability to properly run Adobe Photoshop. I'm an amateur photobug, and would like to move into a laptop that won't run into heating issues, and will last me for several years. I've previously had a Dell and it was AWFUL. I had several issues with the motherboard on that laptop. Currently my laptop has a Duo CPU T5250 @1.50 Ghz, 32 bit OS, and 2.0GB RAM. Please recommend to me some good options, especially ones that won't run into heating concerns. I probably won't add upgrades to it, so it will need to be built from the start to last. Talk to me like I'm six years old.

Help me Obi Metafiter, you are my only hope.

Helping a victim of physical abuse

Groundhog Week — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 06:53:32 -0800

A friend (who is 30) of my wife, who lives in Chicago, is being physically abused. We have offered her a place to stay at our home in East TN. As of right now, she seems to want to take us up on that offer. Unfortunately, she and I have never really got along in the past. Assuming she does come to stay with us, how can we best be supportive? Apologies in advance... I writing this on my phone.

We suspect her abuser is her brother. She didn't say who did it, but she isn't seeing anyone right now, and her brothers have been violent before (though not towards family), and family relations are strained. Since she refused to call the police, my wife and I are sure it wasn't a random person. She's been assulted before by someone, but called the police in that instance. She also feels that she can't trust her family right now.

She called my wife last night telling her that she had been choked and asked if she should go to the hospital (my wife is a doctor). She ended up not needing to, but my wife told her that she doesn't need to live in that kind of environment, and suggested coming to our home to get away from her family for a while. I 100% agree with my wife on this.

My wife and I would like some advice on the following questions:

1. What is the best way to help her seek professional help. How do we know what kind of professional help to seek?

2. Her younger sister (whom she does trust) is going to bring her down half way (probably Louisville KY) where I will pick her up and bring her the rest of the way (we offered her a plane ticket, but she doesn't fly well). We have never really gotten along well. I know not to broach the subject, but if she does bring it up, how do I respond in a suppotive manner? If she doesn't bring it up, how do I approach having a regular conversation without triggers?

How does finding a biology job work?

topoisomerase — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 13:15:30 -0800

I really love biology, especially ecology and conservation. I don't want to go straight into grad school, and I don't daydream about being a professor or teacher. What can I do between now and May 2014 to make myself a competitive job applicant? What jobs are available and realistic? Where can I find them? No one in my family is a scientist, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I will be graduating from college with a BA in biology in May 2014. I have a 3.6ish GPA. I've had lecture-based coursework in animal behavior, plant physiology, genetics, and developmental bio. I've also taken a couple of intro computer science classes, if that's relevant. In terms of lab work, I took an experiments in ecology course (we worked with honeybees, Capitella teleta, and plants) and I'm in a recombinant DNA tech course right now (pouring plates, doing restriction reactions and ligations, running gels, doing PCR, etc.). I also got to go to my college's research station in the Bahamas and follow around a grad student one day while she did a research project on birds there. I was also an intro bio lab TA for a semester, if that's relevant. I don't have any experience other than that, but I've really enjoyed what I've had the opportunity to do.

I haven't been able to do any internships, because I've had to catch up on credits during the summer (I had a medical issue starting mid-freshman year that is now resolved, but interfered with classes and actually doing stuff). Lab jobs mostly go to undergraduates on work-study, but I'm not on work-study. I emailed a few of the professors I've taken classes with to see if they take volunteers in their labs, but they don't. My advisor wasn't really helpful when I asked her how I could find research opportunities during school or job/internship opportunities for after graduation. She's also leaving on sabbatical starting in the fall, so I have to start over with a new adviser.

I really like working with DNA and E. coli in the lab, but I like working with animals and doing fieldwork way more. I'm also really interested in conservation. Collecting data on birds' behavior or migratory patterns! On honeybees! On marine wildlife! On the impact of pollution on breeding sites! I want to do stuff like that some day.

What can I do between now and May 2014 to make myself a competitive job applicant? How do I find jobs/internships in ecological research or conservation? What jobs are available and realistic for someone with my nonexistent qualifications? I am in Massachusetts in the Boston area, and I don't have a car, if that's relevant. I grew up in (and my folks live in) the mid-Atlantic.

I am okay with living anywhere and being paid anything after graduation, as long as I'm working at a biology-related job. I will go and talk to Career Services as well; I was just hoping AskMe could give me a head start. Thank you in advance.

New phone help, Nexus, Lumia, Galaxy or HTC?

1inabillionmistake — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 19:33:18 -0800

I would love some direction (have read the reviews of course) in finding a good phone to play movies and listen to audio books for which I will not need to use a Data Plan with AT&T. I tried the Lumia 620 but it died on me in a week and returned it. I think Android looks good, but have not experience. I should just plug in the SIM, right? Thanks all.

Story or Dream?

ronofthedead — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 18:58:58 -0800

Asking for a friend, who wants to know if the tale she remembers is from a story she read, or a dream she had. Details follow. Characters: Two children, one boy (10-ish), one girl (eight-ish), I think. Also, parents ... maybe just one parent. I'm not clear on that part.

Plot: The family lives in an older Victorian home, one with some unused rooms. Somehow, one of the children (the boy, I think) gets the idea that there is something growing inside the walls. I think he does this by tapping the walls and noticing that there are spots where they no longer sound hollow. Eventually, he hammers into the plaster at a few discreet places and finds that behind the plaster, there is a shell "growing." It seems to be a kind of metal. He tells his sister about it, and it stays in the back of their minds, but it's less urgent than the problem of their ... father, I think? Yes. Their father is pretty horrid, so that occupies a lot of their energy and time.

Still, the boy keeps track, and he notices that the shell is slowly growing up and up, all through the walls, and he realizes that what is happening is that the house is becoming encased in a metal membrane. Finally, one day, he cannot find any spots where the wall sounds hollow anymore. That day, shortly after his father leaves for work and shuts the door behind him, the house begins to rumble and move ... and then it lifts off. Because it wasn't a house at all, really. It was a spaceship.

How much help to offer? How many times?

Eolienne — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 17:49:20 -0800

A family member is extremely depressed. Several of us are concerned. I want to help, but don't want to do anything that will make things worse or alienate this person. It has gotten worse after the death of a loved one recently. I let them know that I understood a lot of what they were going through and that I was here to help in any way, including finding resources. Family member thanked me and said they thought they'd pull through. This was about 3 weeks ago.

Other family members are seeing the depression get worse over the last few weeks and are now worried. They are trying to help. I've been contacted about it.

Do I reach out again to let this person know I'm still thinking of them and am still here to help, or at this point will I just be pushing them away or causing harm? Do I send info and resources without being asked? Things that this person has written (publicly) have me thinking they are suicidal. I hesitate because I've recently reached out, and because other people are taking notice and starting to try to help by trying to get my family member out and doing things (which would be great if the person were just feeling a little down, but I feel it is way off target in this situation).

Possibly relevant: This is the U.S. I live in a different state. I have difficulty hearing most people over the phone, so am in mainly in contact via email.

Who has second thoughts about their dream job?

LaceyCoffee — Sun, 26 May 2013 21:57:04 -0800

I really can't figure out what I want to do in my life. And it's scaring the crap out of me. At many times I really thought I knew what I wanted and then when I started working... I didn't, at all! I tried really hard to figure out what to do. I majored in political science, been involved in campaigns, and I thought I would just go to law school. But felt uneasy about the whole thing like it was just something I was supposed to do cause I would be good at it. So I decided to work a bit in a medical field, which was followed by living aboard for a few years. Now I'm dabbling in film and thinking about architecture. All amazing experiences but no closer to a conclusion. I feel super strongly about some careers and then realize I only feel strongly about those things because I admire the people in those fields and not necessarily the field itself. Does anyone have a similar story? Any conclusions? Can anyone help?

Cat stuck on 7th story molding

destronomics — Sun, 26 May 2013 13:01:58 -0800

My 9 month old cat cut through my screen window and crawled out onto the molding of my 7th story apartment. I don't know what to do. I don't know if you can see her, but she's at the very end:

http://i.imgur.com/k0dNZlU.jpg

I am taking the photo from the fire escape, which is about a few feet from my own apartment's window.

I've called animal control, and they told me to wait 24 hours. They don't want to risk trying to rescue her and terrifying her into jumping.

I don't know what to do. She won't turn around when I call her. I've had the apartment owner to the window she's the closest to open his window, I've opened the fire escape, and fully opened my own window. I've left food by my neighbor's window and the fire escape.

Oh god, I am the worst.

I need medical care and I'm too ashamed to go to the doctor.

Anonymous — Sat, 18 May 2013 05:43:25 -0800

I need to go to the doctor, but intense shame is keeping me from seeking help. How do I make myself get medical attention when I can barely acknowledge the problem to myself, let alone discuss it with the receptionist, write it out on the medical forms, talk to the doctor, undress and let them see my humiliating problem?

I need to go, but I just can't. Please help me get past this, it's making my life miserable.

How do we deal with adults acting like teenagers?

Trexsock — Mon, 06 May 2013 05:33:48 -0800

How to deal with a snowball of special snowflake drama from supposed friends and set clear boundaries when they are being clearly unreasonable. Related to the last question I posted whereas slightly different. (Yes I took the advice and brought it up to her and we've discussed the issue... this kinda spawned from it whereas not from our side):

This question is for me and my girlfriend (Q - aged 26); she has a best friend (M - aged 21) who she's been friends with for a good few years now. They used to talk every single day online pretty constantly before we got together. They were a sort of support system for each other while going through some shitty times - both suffering from depression and M with severe anxiety to top it all off.

Myself and my gf made friends at the same time as myself and M, as well as a 4th person (C - aged 21). For a while, we were all good friends but then me and Q started getting closer and chatting on webcam every night for around 8 hours or so. This caused an issue with both M and C, as they said they could tell when we were chatting together as we both started ignoring them. Both M and C have an issue they've talked about before where they are afraid of people leaving them and being ignored, so myself and Q think this factors into their reaction quite a lot.

M and Q have been having a lot of issues because of all this; they've had lots of arguments where M makes Q feel like she's the one in the wrong all the time, and as if she's not considering M's feelings when I know that she has been doing quite intensely.

M claims that Q is ignoring her because she doesn't reply to messages straight away, and that she's been "dumped" for me because she now has everything she needs in her relationship with me.

Meanwhile, C and M have been getting closer and closer during this time. C makes passive aggressive posts on her blog, vague enough that people who don't know what's going on wouldn't think anything of it, but completely obvious to us that they're about me and Q. She took it upon herself to talk to Q online, getting really pissy and angry about how Q wasn't considering M's feelings and that she was "skirting around the issue", which Q quite rightly got pissed off at. She gave C a piece of her mind about not getting involved, since it wasn't anything to do with her, and then she seemed like she backed off.

On the same day, M and Q decided that they should have a "friendship break" for two weeks to see if they can take a step back and sort things out and then see if they can be friends again afterwards. All well and good, but still feeling super teenagey. So that was going well right up until last night, when Q got an anonymous message being rude about a hairstyle she's considering - it was quite obvious it was from one of the parties above, because the grammar and writing style was identical. Q responded in kind, leading to more anonymous messages getting pissed off at her reactions. In the end, M and C unfollowed both myself and Q on this blog, leading to myself unfollowing them too. I got a message from M afterwards explaining, and saying that she didn't want me to take it personally because it was only temporary and that it was weird for her to see my posts from Q. I replied fairly reasonably, but then M's housemate (L - aged 22) decided to get involved and send me messages too, saying that I was attacking M and that I should keep out of it.

Sounds somewhat hypocritical to me, and again, feeling a lot like being 15 and in high school. Messages went back and forth between me and L where she got really aggressive and said that Q should start thinking about how her actions are affecting M.

So I think that basically the point is: how the hell do we deal with all this drama? It's making me and Q really stressed out and increasing my own anxiety. I know Q doesn't want to cut contact forever with M considering how close they are, but the fact that she's just getting other people involved is really getting to Q.

I would, myself, prefer to cut contact but obviously that'd be a strain to the relationship and it's not something I can honestly demand out of anyone, least someone I care so much about. On the other hand, it's been so much stress and drama in such a short amount of time that I am at my wits end about all of this.

PS: Me and Q have been able to talk about all of this and can not figure out the best solution to take, hence this post. Things are great between us, but -- at least from to me -- this situation is really taking a toll, whereas not heavy, in the relationship.

MacBook Pro Battery Life Question

dbirchum — Fri, 03 May 2013 04:13:52 -0800

Greetings - I "inherited" a MacBook Pro last year. It was a Apple MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo 2.4Ghz from Spring 2008. So it was 4 years old when I got it and I was told that the battery was dead and as long as I kept it plugged in, it worked fine, however, I would need a new one. So last year, I purchased a new battery and installed it. However, I am still noticing that the battery life is horrible. It seems like when I am using it to type a document or check emails and surf the web, etc, I literally can watch the battery drain. I would assume that it might hold a charge of about an hour and a half maybe? Is there any way I can "test" it to see what my actual battery life if? To ensure there isn't something else going on? Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks,

Create downloadable iCal files in PHP/MySQL/Bootstrap?

dnash — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 13:57:45 -0800

I have a PHP webpage that lists events happening at a conference by reading from a MySQL database. Is there an easy way to have PHP create downloadable iCal files so people can download individual events to their iphones/Androids etc., without my having to create individual event files, and without setting up a bunch of Google Calendar items to link to? (more detailed explanation inside.) Website is for a four day conference, several individual event listings per day. It's only a yearly thing, so for that and other reasons we've decided that a full blown CMS system with a calendaring function is total overkill. I'm redesigning the site using Twitter Bootstrap, mainly to modernize the layout and CSS type stuff, but I'll be keeping it in PHP so I can maintain a few server includes I use that help me change over certain things year to year more easily.

For years I've just had the events page read from an "events" table in MySQL, that has basic columns - event ID#, date, start time, end time, name, location, description. The PHP formats that into tables to display on the webpage.

What I would love, would be for each event listing to have an iCal download link. But I'd like to not have to somehow manually create the iCal files. I was hoping there might be some way PHP could sort of write the iCal files on the fly or something like that?

I suppose I could enter them into a Google Calendar, and paste the individual links into the database for inclusion on the website. But again that would create a lot of manual work to enter all these events. The folks who run the conference just keep the event listings in Word, frankly. I end up reformatting to Excel/CSV for importing to the database. So if there were some PHP magic that could be done, it would be able so save me work each year.

I'm not very programming/scripting savvy, but some searching led me to believe this might be possible. I thought I might do better asking here where I could maybe get someone to talk me through it a bit while being patient with my pretty basic level PHP skills.

So very jealous.

Trexsock — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:08:37 -0800

How do I deal with this jealousy? Let me preface this by saying that I've never been a particularly jealous person and that I've never had this problem with past relationships. Furthermore, my past long term relationship included my partner going out with friends often and I've never even felt slightly as I do now.

I'm a female (early-mid twenties) in a relationship with another (mid-late twenties) female. We haven't been together for very long (nearing a month now) and currently occupy the same space. Not to detract from the question being asked, but this has happened because my previous relationship turned abusive and well, one thing turned to another and I ended up here.

Now, I realize I have problems of the mental health kind (I've been diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, and suspect I have some form of anxiety disorder) and have started the process to look for help for these: have already registered with the nearest health center, etc. However, it may take a long time to actually be seen by a Doctor/Therapist at all and I have no means (or funds) to resort to the private health sector.

For my actual question: Right so, my partner has a very good friend (female) she's known for years. They talk on a daily bases and they're often seen texting each other to and fro.

And this... it really really really really really bothers me.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know they're irrational and I know that it's not that I don't trust her. I really just don't know how to fix this about myself. A glance at her when she's typing on her phone will send me to the verge of tears, which is pretty stupid (of myself). I'll, of course, mention this to the doctor/therapist/psychiatrist whenever I see them, but until them. How can I possibly help this?

Also, It's not that I feel uncomfortable talking to her about this as much as feeling that it really it has nothing to do with her, or at the very least, not directly. My problematic feelings are the issue here, not hers. I feel incredibly selfish and self-conscious to even feel like this, least bringing my feelings up.

Thanks in advance for the insight.

I love my girlfriend, but cannot shake this feeling.

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:56:07 -0800

I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years and am very much in love. She is bipolar and it is affecting my emotional and mental health. I cannot shake these feelings of leaving her but I know love is hard to come by. What should I do? I am having trouble shaking these feelings, so I wanted to throw it up here to get more advice.

I am in my mid twenties and have been dating someone for about 2 years. I love her so much and she loves me. We recently found out that she is bipolar. This actually explains a lot of the issues that have come up in the relationship and we have been working on getting her help.

For the past couple of months I have not been able to shake the feeling of wanting to break free from the relationship. It has caused me a lot of confusion because I have never been so in love with anybody before. This relationship has been the most rewarding and most trying relationship of my life.

My emotional and mental health have really been neglected because most of my time is spent helping her with her issues. When I am the happiest is when she is doing well and feeling loved. A lot of effort is put into helping her get here.

As you may know, you always need to be alert while dating a bipolar person. It's not their fault, but any little thing can push them over the edge. I am someone who loves to help people and get a lot of my fulfillment in "fixing" issues.

While my SO is as giving as she can be, my needs and desires are always pushed to the side and I don't usually get to be a focus in the relationship. While this is ok and sometimes necessary in this type of relationship, I can't help but desire a more fulfilling relationship.

As I said, I love this girl so much and know no matter what relationship she is in, her SO will have to work more than in other relationships. I am very happy to be that for her. I suppose I chose this life by being with her. This is my issue in my head.

My issue is that I know things will not get better. She will always be bipolar and, although the relationship will always have great points (when they are great, they are GREAT), I know I will have to forfeit some of my desires.

I know the grass is not greener on the other side, believe me. I went through a very hard breakup years ago the left me realizing that it's not better, just different outside of a relationship.

The thought of breaking up with her breaks my heart. I know that eventually, I will be ok. I suppose I am wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation. Love is a hard thing to find. If you have it, should you hold onto it until your dying breath? Have you ever broke up with someone you really loved and regretted it years later? Are my concerns a result of being young and immature? I don't want to make a decision I will really regret later.

Post bail-out: Good MPG Car from 2013

JoeXIII007 — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 17:38:36 -0800

There is a good chance that I will be the owner of a new car sometime soon (like the next few months or so). Looking for a good balance between fuel efficiency and inexpensive to repair (something I have not really thought about until recently, regrettably). You are not a car expert, likely, but what would you advise from what you know? Details, including what this car replaces, inside. So the new car will replace a very honorable 1997 Chevy Cavalier, which has been relatively inexpensive to repair and amazingly efficient (measured 37.5 mpg during a summer trip a couple years ago). I have thought about driving this until it grounds itself, but there are signs that time is coming soon, from persistent coolant issues which cannot be traced to anything, to greater than average trouble starting after long idle periods during the winter (car pooling with someone else in their car). Oil light comes on with no good reason either.

Using that car, at its best, as a base line: the new car needs at least a 25/35 mpg rating and is as repairable or easier/cheaper to repair, given new part cost and repair cost will likely rise a bit with energy costs (I expect energy costs to rise in the 5 or 'more' years I use this new vehicle).

For now, I cannot go plug in electric as I live at an apartment, and I would (personally) wait for battery technology and the electric grid situation to improve a bit before laying down some dough on those or hybrids for that matter.

That leaves regular old gasoline: I am currently eying a 2013 Dodge Dart SXT Automatic with their Dual Dry Clutch Transmission (test drove one, felt great). I have test driven a Chevy Cruze, which felt a bit jerky on the gas pedal. For visual appearance: Chevy Sonics and Hyundai Elantras/Sonatas turn my head on the road.

Needless to say, this is a tough decision, and I know I could put it off for a while, maintaining my current semi-trusty horse. I don't want to push it, however.

Short story: please recommend a robust, inexpensive to repair and fuel efficient (25/35) car from the 2012-2013 model year. American or not. Supporting docs will give your recommendation a bit more weight. Also, please comment on my top pick (the Dart) if you know anything.

I have searched the web for more information and it has been iffy at best. This decision may come down to some case studies. *sigh*

Thank you!!!

Need advice - Taking care of my mother.

j1sh — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 21:41:00 -0800

What should I do about my mother? I don't get along with her or like her, nor can I afford to have her live with me. Yet she has nowhere to go. I'm in Canada. What are my options? My mom is 63 and still able to work. She has a hard time finding jobs - she's been a live-in caregiver/nanny for a few years now. Most people don't want to hire someone at this age.

She's made terrible decisions all of her life and squandered money that she's mooched off of every family member possible. As soon as I started working she depended on me for paying maintainance fees at our old apartment which she still destroyed via neglect. I moved out ASAP. She is following me around my whole life and she moves in whenever she's between jobs. I can't stand it, she is strange and has strange habits and all of my landlords have hated her (I rent a basement at the moment). My current place isn't meant for two people, either. I can only afford to take care of myself at the moment. I wouldn't mind having her live in the basement if I owned a house but until then, no!!! I am almost certain she will get me kicked out of my current rental arrangement and destroy my life.

So I don't like her, but she's my mother and I can't just leave her on the street. She refuses to accept Ontario Works or any other service. What is a moral way out of this that doesn't destroy either of our lives?

Thanks for any help - I've run out of ideas here!

My friend is in love with another friend's sister?

JYuanZ — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 09:57:42 -0800

tl;dr: Friend likes friend's sister. Friend is very socially awkward and sister is very scared of him for his "creepy" demeanor (according to her words) and the sister needs to know how to make him stop liking her. Ideas discussed include outright rejection, fake boyfriend, fake pictures, which I had mostly disagreed with, and need advice to sort this out. Regarding the guy and the sister, they've known each other for a few years (I'm guessing 2 or 3?) but around five months ago, my "friend" (let's call him David) started to act in a way that very very strongly insinuated that she was in love with my friend's sister.
Before I continue let me explain who he is. In the past he's said several things that have offended me (aka personal stuff). He is very socially inept and struggles to have conversations with many people besides his circle of 5 friends. He also doesn't understand social cues and is very oblivious to simple things, and he has a very... awkward demeanor, to be honest. I can't say I'm the biggest fan of his character but he tries to invite himself to things that my friends and I plan - I don't know how he finds out about them but when he's there he generally sits alone without saying many words at all. Because of this I tried to let him off with the stupid things he says but... he's said so much offensive things (because he doesn't understand that they are offensive) that makes it hard for me to keep forgiving him.
tl;dr for above paragraph. friend is very socially awkward with an equally awkward demeanor, has said many offensive things to me but doesn't know it because he doesn't understand social cues
Back to the story; the sister finds out that David is in love with her and she is very weirded out. They used to be decent friends but when she found out it became very awkward and she became scared of her. Oh, and for the record, sometime very shortly after she finds out, the relationship between the brother and David had become much, much more strained.
An important point that I should note is that the brother,sister, another friend (call him John) and I drove up to the university where my other friends attended. We walked around together as a group - me, John, the siblings, David, and other friends from university for a group of 8. While we hung out together several of us talked to the sister, not about David's love for her but just as friends, making dumb jokes and pointing out random things - you know, what friends do. BUT.
When I get back, John received a three paragraph letter from David saying how he was troubled that he couldn't talk to the girl because he was so awkward and didn't know what he could say, and that he often lagged behind the group because he was crying and didn't want anyone to see. He said that he was in love with the sister and that he wants to know how she thought of him. Overall, it was a letter of jealousy and, to be honest, a hint of hatred towards us.
tl;dr for above paragraphs. We (me, friend, the brother and sister) go up to uni to see the rest of our friends that inclues David When we get home there is a letter from David that says he was crying that he didn't have the social ability to talk to the sister and that he was in love
We (sans David) had a conversation on Skype about it, some suggested that she just reject him the next time they see each other so that this can be dealt with, but I feel that's too harsh. Any advice?

What to do with a BA in History? (Redux)

Avenger — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 12:13:10 -0800

This is a followup to this question from almost five years ago. I am about to graduate from a not-very-well-known State University in the southwest with a BA in History. My problem is that I am now rudderless, with a great deal of debt and virtually no real job prospects. I am staring down the barrel of paycheck-to-paycheck poverty, forever. Please help. The Bad News: I have roughly $36,000 in debt. Next month I will have a Bachelor of Arts (Summa Cum Laude) in History and International Studies from a southwestern university that you've probably never heard of.

I am very bad at math (I got a C- in college algebra) so going back and getting another degree in a STEM field is probably not going to happen. I have a shitty job that I hate wherein I make a shitty amount of money with no benefits. I'm turning 30 next month and I am far, far behind (financially, career-wise, socially, etc.) others my age.

The good news: I am a pretty good student (it's one of the few things in life I'm actually good at, I guess). I have a 4.0 for my last 50 credit hours or so, and I have been accepted into the Masters of Public Administration program at my local no-name southwestern university. I am not really thrilled by Public Administration, but I applied to the program because i felt like it was something I could do for a decent wage.

The Details:

I have been told, by multiple history professors, that grad study in History is a dead end. Nobody is hiring history professors. The last time our (invisible) school advertised an open (non-tenured) position in the history department, we got 1000+ applicants from all over the country. There are History PhD's from Harvard working at Starbucks right now. I can't compete against them.

Law school is a no go. I'm not that interested in law and I don't want to spend $150,000 for the privilege of working 80 hours a week for an uncertain amount of money. Uncertain job prospects in the first place, too.

I'm really just trying to figure out what to do with my life, while discovering that my life has been made redundant by the free market. I have no purpose and very little prospect of upward mobility in our society.

What can I do about this? Is there some avenue that I haven't yet explored? Is there something that I'm missing? What are my options, hivemind?

Detective Says I'm A Witness, But Won't Say To What?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 12:17:32 -0800

I know you are not my lawyer. I have a Kafkaesque situation invovling the cops. This evening there was a knock on my door from a police officer (call him Officer Bob) from the city in which I live. S/he said that he had just been requested by Detective Something in a different local city to call Officer Something, and that Officer Bob didn't know what it was in regards to. Officer Bob wrote down Officer Something's last name, direct line, and the local city precint Something was in, then leaves.

I call the number for officer Something, and get voicemail. The full name of Officer Something is given, and the name checks out. I leave a message saying my full name, my cell, and that I haven't been to other Local City in ages, but I'd be happy to assist. I leave my cell phone downstairs and go upstairs to watch tv. I return around midnight to find I'd missed a call from Officer Something & s/he left a message. S/he says that instead of playing phone tag, I am asked to report to the Local City station, because there were some questions they wanted to ask me, and asked me to come after a certain afternoon time on Wednesday (two days from now).

ON a hunch, I call the main line back, get transferred to Something and get them. THey say that I need to be asked a few questions as a witness. When I ask "to something that happened in Local City" all they say is yes, and elaborate no further, only that I must be asked in person, at the precinct. I tell the truth-- I has classes that day and may have to stay late for a project, and will be super busy, so if I can make it, I won't even know until that day.

I have a healthy skeptcism of the police, yes, but more importantly, I am being asked to come in, but details are very vague. I am a witness supposdly but have been served no suppose and further details were not given. I have done some reading and have seen lots of lawyers and even former cops say that just going in and talking to a cop can be bad, even if I've done nothing wrong. I can think of nothing I've witnessed that came even close to a crime. It was very weird for Officer Bob to randomly show up on a Sunday evening saying only that s/he'd rec'd a request from Officer Someone in Local City to contact me and home and give me Officer Something's contact info, and stranger still that i be asked to come down to a precint as a witness and be told that I can't be further details. But there has been no supoena given to me. Even though there's supposedly no rush and Something wants to talk to me two days from now.

I have heard horror stories of completely innocent folks going in for these questionings across the country and between nerves, desire to please, etc, somehow implcating themselves. I can think of nothing I have done that is illegal. I see places advising me to get a lawyer before going in to talk to anyone.

I can't afford a lawyer, and until/unless I am charged with something, the state can't assign one for me I don't think. I live in central NJ. I don't know what to do and am tied up in knots. I already have an anxiety disorder and my nervers are jangling off the charts. I cannot afford an attorney at all for any prelim anything. I am confused and don't know what to do pr what's going on and I can't get more explanations from the detective. Help!

Book for toxic thinking?

Truts83 — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 10:43:49 -0800

Hello all. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for the last 9 years. It even led me to develop an addiction. I have kicked the addiction, but now I cant seem to change my way of thinking. Does anyone know of any good books or workbooks that changed their toxic thinking habits? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Help me identify a song currently on the radio!

ORthey — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:12:07 -0800

I've heard a song on the radio a couple times in the past few weeks, and I've been completely unable to identify it. I've tried google, radio station playlists, humming it into midomi, but no dice. Here's what I can tell you: - I am almost certain the song is a new release given that I heard it a few times recently.
- I thought the chorus had the repeated line "got nowhere/place to go," but google seems to disagree.
- The singing has something of an old-timey feel (something along the lines of the sample in Moby's song "why does my heart feel so bad?)." Not sure if it's a man or a woman.
- Instrumentally, it features a lot of short "cut-up" bursts of different instruments, I think including a harmonica fairly prominently. It has a steady, driving beat, perhaps with a little swing to it. It has a pretty herky-jerky feel to it.
- I heard it either on KFOG (104.5) or Live 105.3 (or both) in the SF Bay Area.

That's pretty much all I remember, and it's driving me crazy. I'd love to hear what else the band has done. Help!

How to wear dresses without being dressy?

specialagentwebb — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:35:16 -0800

Are you a woman who wears skirts and dresses casually? Can you teach me your secrets? I live in jeans. Seriously. I have a few pairs of dress pants for special occasions. And I wear dresses to weddings. My office is casual, so I get away with wearing solid or patterned shirts with scarves, sweaters, or blouses... with jeans. But I like skirts, and I'd like to wear more skirts or even dresses. I'd like it even more if I could wear them when I'm just running errands, or during a gaming night, or grabbing lunch with friends. It seems like every time I try though, I either end up super-overdressed, or just... really awkward. I have a lot of questions about skirts.

What do you wear under them? I understand that pantyhose is way too formal, but tights and leggings are both in? Can you do bare-legs if your skin tone is somewhere between ivory and glow-in-the-dark?

What is the deal with shoes? I have two great pairs of boots and some sneakers. I also have an awesome pair of black patent pumps, but I think those are too fancy for casual wear. How do you know what shoes to wear with a skirt?

What kind of skirts are flattering, comfortable, and casual? Is there anything out there that matches the convenience and comfort of jeans? BONUS: are there any skirts that look okay with nerdy printed t-shirts, without being too pre-teen?

Extra info: I'm a 26-year old woman with a fairly average body, slightly bigger in the hips. This is a pretty accurate depiction of my daily office wear, although I don't have all the fancy shoes or purses. For my bumming around, sub out the nice shirts for shirt-a-day printed shirts with gaming or Doctor Who references.

I wanna be symbiotic-er

unixrat — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 21:35:37 -0800

I live near a medium-sized nature preserve, it has been a long hard winter with no end in sight. While lying in the dark waiting to fall asleep, I've been listening to an owl for several years* and he's never been this close for this long. I suspect he's venturing further to find food, it's probably a really lean time. Help me help him. * Look, just give me this. It *sounds* like the same owl. I've never seem him. We're going with it, ok?

He's been my nighttime friend for several years now. He's off in the direction of the preserve, sometimes faintly to the north end near the river and sometimes a bit closer by the fields. He's been very loud recently, he's close.

It's been a long nasty winter with a few more weeks of it in sight. It's pretty awful out there, I'm sure he's hungry. He's been a faithful, interesting companion for years and I'd like to help him out if I could. I'd like to hear about getting more involved with helping these guys in general at the same time, but I'm really interested in concrete actions I can take here and now. I've got a medium sized fenced in back yard with a number of mature trees. I've got $100 I can scratch out of the budget. I need ideas.

Help me help my partner help his father

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 14:51:23 -0800

My father-in-law lives alone, has a poor diet and a heart complaint, is a hoarder, is lonely and socially isolated, and it makes my partner miserable worrying about him. How can I help my partner, help my FIL, and help my partner help my FIL? FIL is a good man, kind, gentle, caring and thoughtful. However, since separating from partner's mother ten years ago, he does not seem to have been able to re-establish a happy, balanced life for himself.

His health is bad (he has a recurring condition which is not helped by being overweight due to his bad diet) and this stops him from doing the activities which might help him get fit again. He buys a LOT of stuff from shopping channels and Ebay, and his house is so full of it that he is embarrassed to invite people in. I have never been further than the front yard, in the 5 years that my partner and I have been together. The final and perhaps saddest part is that he has very few friends, or relatives who he spends time with. His ongoing plans to move have kept him from putting roots down, his health problems keep him indoors, and his house-full of stuff keep him from inviting people round for tea.

Now if it was up to me, I'd troop round there one weekend, barge in, and declare a Day of Reckoning - clear his house up, march him to the estate agent to get it sold, and cook him a freezer full of healthy meals.

Unfortunately, my partner is extremely reluctant to wade in like this - partly because he isn't the same obnoxious and hard-nosed person that I am, but mostly because he is afraid to damage the relationship which he has managed to re-establish with him since his parents' divorce. He is stuck in the trap of worrying about his dad all the time, but being unable to really consider doing anything about it because he feels their relationship is so fragile. All the time fuelled by his father being somewhat touchy when these subjects are brought up, but simultaneously making morbid comments about the future implying he won't be around for too long.

A closer-to-home issue relating to this is that my partner does sometimes take his worries out on me about this, and I'm feeling more and more stuck in the same loop of arguments and sadness. We have had several rows about it, and it has made me extremely wary about taking part in any conversation about FIL, even if it starts off relatively innocuously.

So... if you've got this far, and wow thanks a LOT for reading if you have, what can I do? I want to nudge them both toward progress, but how much nudging becomes pushing? I can't stand back and do nothing because nothing is making them both sad. I can't see a good middle ground... please help me find one!

The Obligatory Therapy Note: I know people hate when the OP says "therapy is not an option" but believe me when I say it isn't. FIL would baulk at the suggestion and absolutely not consider seeking it. I'm trying to persuade my partner to try it... we'll see. Options outside of therapy would be much appreciated.

Recently diagnosed with WDCDS and not sure how to move forward

Stan Grossman — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 11:23:14 -0800

Through various relationships I've come to realize I do in fact have WDCDS-formally known as White Dude Can't Dance Syndrome. Symptoms include a lack of rhythm, eventually manifesting in a complete lack of dancing.

I'm a mid 20s guy that hangs out at a lot of bars, and on top of that wedding season is coming up. I've known several woman over the past couple years that want someone they can dance with and have fun. This is not my Modus Operandi. I like to have fun, but when it comes to dancing I lock up and refuse- I assume due to fear of embarrassment. Alcohol does not help; no matter how many drinks I've had I will remain as stubborn as a mule.

Does anyone have any tips and/or resources on how I can put some dance ability in my back pocket? I'm under the impression if I can just figure out how to dance to an upbeat song and a slow song, I'll be set. Not looking for anything too fancy. I think my goal is more to go unnoticed (Ie. Not embarrass myself).

Some potentially pertinent background: I literally have trouble just clapping in beat to a song.